"Hello, I'm a Social Justice Warrior, and I'm here to take your guns."

October 26, 2016 2:39 PM

There are a couple of other things you should know. When you’re reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, you are now required by law to say “one nation, under a groove.” Also, after careful deliberation, we’ve decided to change the National Anthem to something a little less militaristic: Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car.” Standing while the anthem is playing will be optional, but bobbing your head during the acoustic guitar breaks will be strictly enforced. By the way, America is now gluten-free.
posted by listen, lady (44 comments total)

Clicked on link due to confusion and curiosity. Sounds interesting. McSweeney's. Oh. Nevermind.
posted by Splunge at 2:47 PM on October 26, 2016 [11 favorites]

OK, what, exactly, would “Sean Hannity dystopian slash-fiction,” be? It sounds like it would focus on an extremely emotional (and possibly perversely sexual) relationship between Sean Hannity and a dystopia, which may already be the case.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:49 PM on October 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

We’ve enlisted a group of multi-racial women, The Founding Mothers, to draft a new document, The Socialist Mixtape, which will become the law of the land. We’re only going to let non-white, low-income women vote for the first 150 years or so — just until things settle down enough to let white men have a say.

This has merit.
posted by Thella at 2:50 PM on October 26, 2016 [42 favorites]

I wish satire was dead.
posted by not_the_water at 2:52 PM on October 26, 2016 [7 favorites]

Seems mostly reasonable to me. Guess I'm the one being satirised. Oh well.
posted by threecheesetrees at 3:06 PM on October 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

First they came for the guns, then they came for my BREAD?! That seems like an extraordinary leap. Breadsticks have never done anything to you.
posted by tofu_crouton at 3:17 PM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

This war on gluten is what's way out of hand, IMO.

Hail Seitan!
posted by SaltySalticid at 3:18 PM on October 26, 2016 [24 favorites]

Breadsticks have never done anything to you.

Except perhaps at Olive Garden, where their march is relentless and fascistic.
posted by rokusan at 3:24 PM on October 26, 2016 [4 favorites]

Franco had a fast car.
posted by clavdivs at 3:30 PM on October 26, 2016

So, Jill Stein's platform. Or what Clinton would support if she were honest.
posted by jpe at 3:32 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Breadsticks have never done anything to you.

They've gone right to my thighs!
posted by maxsparber at 3:36 PM on October 26, 2016 [5 favorites]

Wait. Is this a conservative mocking liberals? Or a liberal mocking conservatives mocking liberals? Or a conservative mocking liberals mocking conservatives mocking liberals? OR ....

I'll bet if you asked the author of the piece, they wouldn't even know any more.
posted by Betelgeuse at 3:51 PM on October 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

Or what Clinton would support if she were honest.

nah, you're giving her too much credit
posted by listen, lady at 3:55 PM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

Clicked on link due to confusion

fool you twice, brother. fool you twice.
posted by listen, lady at 3:57 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Since it's McSweeney's, I feel safe in saying it's a liberal mocking conservatives mocking liberals. Which is already confusing enough.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 3:58 PM on October 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

"fine, let's start with the bullets, first ..."
posted by pyramid termite at 4:06 PM on October 26, 2016

Since it's McSweeney's, I myself feel safe in saying that it's hipsters acting smarter-than-thou to anyone who will listen. Begone, new sincerity! Irony continues to rule the day!
posted by janey47 at 4:06 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

It's a liberal mocking the fears of Fox-watching conservatives.
posted by Soulfather at 4:10 PM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

Say what you will about the Social Justice Warriors, at least they didn't blow a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals. [Twitter]
posted by Huffy Puffy at 4:24 PM on October 26, 2016 [24 favorites]

I wish satire was dead.

So you don't read McSweeney's, do you?
posted by Splunge at 4:31 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

It's a liberal mocking the fears of Fox-watching conservatives.

Or is it a liberal mocking of the faux-fears of watching conservatives?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:36 PM on October 26, 2016

I though this was funny, but I'm totally an elitist smarter-than-thou hipster and I'm pretty sure it's decorative gourd season
posted by thivaia at 4:43 PM on October 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

This is like the Prestige, in which Hugh Jackman, an australian, is briefly playing an englishman playing an englishman playing an american.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 4:46 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

I usually dislike McSweeneys, but I really enjoyed this. Especially "Please don’t make me call my gender-queer friends waiting in the Prius. They hate all men."
posted by dame at 4:51 PM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

They can have my guns, but I'll be god-damned before I ever ride a recumbent bicycle.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:03 PM on October 26, 2016 [4 favorites]

Now please rise, or remain seated, or indicate your solemn respect in some other way, or don't, for the national anthem.

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:07 PM on October 26, 2016 [3 favorites]

Sponsored by your neighborhood GTO sales and service, service with a vroom.
posted by clavdivs at 5:16 PM on October 26, 2016

I bought the shirt. (It comes in men's, women's and kids' sizes)
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:21 PM on October 26, 2016

I'll be god-damned before I ever ride a recumbent bicycle

They'll just wait until they can pry it into your cold, dead buttocks.
posted by CynicalKnight at 5:42 PM on October 26, 2016 [3 favorites]

They can have my guns, but I'll be god-damned before I ever ride a recumbent bicycle.

They're pretty fun. I do like being able to stand up now and again with a regular bike, but there's something to be said for the chair-with-wheels experience.
posted by asperity at 5:43 PM on October 26, 2016

'Social Justice Warrior' is yet another phrase that I've never heard uttered outside of the internet. FWIW.
posted by jonmc at 5:51 PM on October 26, 2016

Um, I thought it was at least in part gentle left self-mockery? We do that sometimes, in between bouts of total humorlessness. That's why I liked it - the tensions among the Things That Are Good, Things That are Unlikely, Things That Are Bad and Things That Are Silly.

It's fashionable on the internet to hate all men or to pretend to hate all men or to say you hate all men in order to upset the stupider sort of man, for instance. And sometimes, when one is dealing with yet another instance of misogyny and just feeling really worn down, it's not uncommon to say with feeling that you do hate all men and maybe to feel that you hate all men. It's also funny and kind of sad that people in the wider world think that this means literally hating all men, like including Samuel Delany and Roger Casement and your best friend from college and your cousin and the cute little old guy who volunteers at the library. The tensions among these many aspects of SJWing are what make the piece funny.

And now I have explained the joke.
posted by Frowner at 7:08 PM on October 26, 2016 [22 favorites]

bouts of total humorlessness

Also known as MetaFilter during an election cycle.
posted by usonian at 7:54 PM on October 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'll be god-damned before I ever ride a recumbent bicycle


I built a two seated one out of conduit and I find it very comfortable. It does weigh 145 lbs though.
posted by boilermonster at 8:04 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

I wish satire was dead.

I wish satire wasn't undead -- is that the same thing?
posted by jamjam at 8:05 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

A deeply held conviction of mine is that we should just scrap the Anthem and replace it with America, FUCK YEAH from Team America: World Police. If nothing else, it would be a great solution for getting rid of the USA! USA! chanting at international sporting events that always makes me cringe and try to pretend I'm, uh, not with them...

Seriously, just imagine, a sports stadium full of people, voices swelling in unison:

Ahhhhhmeeeeehhhhhriiiiiieeeeeehhhcaaahhhhhhhhh

Ahhhhhmeeeeehhhhhriiiiiieeeeeehhhcaaahhhhhhhhh

FUCK YEAH

So much better than USA! USA!
posted by Ghidorah at 8:16 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

One more site picking up the mantle of "cause medical to have a collective grump about not getting the joke" from the now-defunct Toast, then?

I'm surprised the first comment here was allowed to stand.
posted by ominous_paws at 10:29 PM on October 26, 2016

Do you guys really consider this to be "the best of the web"?
posted by teatime at 10:44 PM on October 26, 2016

Do you guys really consider this to be "the best of the web"?

Irony: a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions is clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.
noun: dramatic irony; plural noun: tragic irony

context: social irony, multilayered.
posted by Thella at 10:57 PM on October 26, 2016 [3 favorites]

"Seems mostly reasonable to me. Guess I'm the one being satirised. Oh well."

"Wait. Is this a conservative mocking liberals? Or a liberal mocking conservatives mocking liberals? Or a conservative mocking liberals mocking conservatives mocking liberals? OR ...."

"Since it's McSweeney's, I feel safe in saying it's a liberal mocking conservatives mocking liberals. Which is already confusing enough."

"It's a liberal mocking the fears of Fox-watching conservatives.

"Or is it a liberal mocking of the faux-fears of watching conservatives?"

"Um, I thought it was at least in part gentle left self-mockery? We do that sometimes, in between bouts of total humorlessness."

HOW ARE WE STILL FINDING WORDS TO TALK ABOUT THIS?!?!



and can someone tell me if its ok to laugh at it?
posted by bibliowench at 11:53 PM on October 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

It's fine

It's pretty funny in a reasonably gentle way

It doesn't seem to be the necronomicon of encrypted trap irony it's being read as
posted by ominous_paws at 12:00 AM on October 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

I wonder what the overlap would be on a venn diagram with circles for "people who don't use facebook or tend to reflexively block/defriend for political reasons" and "people who don't find this funny"

Because, I know people who think that the social justice warriors want to take their guns and degender all the bathrooms and contaminate their precious bodily fluids with gluten free beer. The saner ones believe that it will never happen (what with all the womenz involved and such), but they all think that these are actual goals that a sizable plurality of people wish to achieve.

Anyways, I find this hilarious in the same way that Ripper and Straw Feminists are hilarious. It's not that deep or original, but it's fun.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:52 AM on October 27, 2016 [3 favorites]

The comparison to that Hark, A Vagrant strip is perfect, yes.
posted by Maaik at 10:07 AM on October 27, 2016

I have t figure out how to make a holiday card of
we’re going to start using drones in the War on Christmas. Nothing lights up a manger scene like hellfire missiles!
posted by theora55 at 1:45 PM on October 27, 2016