I got a rock.
October 28, 2016 9:45 AM Subscribe
"Why would someone intentionally want to mar the goodness that is chocolate with the tiny atrocities known as raisins?" It's a good question. As is the question of why anyone would hand out Mike and Ike to innocent children. Your favorite Halloween candies, ranked. (SLVox)
If you think that Nestle milk chocolate is so good that it should be kept unmarred, I really can't take your treat criticisms seriously.
posted by HighLife at 9:51 AM on October 28, 2016 [29 favorites]
posted by HighLife at 9:51 AM on October 28, 2016 [29 favorites]
Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
posted by AndrewInDC at 9:53 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by AndrewInDC at 9:53 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's like this list is specifically fucked up just to make people (read: me) mad.
Tootsie Rolls: wonderful. Mike and Ike: not as good as Sour Patch Kids, but still fantastic high food. Mounds: too sweet, but still delicious. Smarties, Laffy Taffy, Jolly Ranchers, Candy Corn... those are the bottom of the pumpkin candies.
Plain M&Ms are fucking awful, worse than any Hershey's miniature. Milky Way higher than Snickers? Ugh, I am struggling to even.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:53 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Tootsie Rolls: wonderful. Mike and Ike: not as good as Sour Patch Kids, but still fantastic high food. Mounds: too sweet, but still delicious. Smarties, Laffy Taffy, Jolly Ranchers, Candy Corn... those are the bottom of the pumpkin candies.
Plain M&Ms are fucking awful, worse than any Hershey's miniature. Milky Way higher than Snickers? Ugh, I am struggling to even.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:53 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Just returned from the list. it is so completely and utterly wrong I am almost positive it is wrong on purpose to foment unrest.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:54 AM on October 28, 2016 [27 favorites]
posted by louche mustachio at 9:54 AM on October 28, 2016 [27 favorites]
This writer is the most wrong.
posted by Mchelly at 9:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 9:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
As I noted on Twitter, everything about that list is wrong.
posted by jscalzi at 9:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by jscalzi at 9:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
I'm so mad about these rankings I'm already composing the Medium response to the Twitter fight caused by my initial Medium response to this Vox article.
posted by griphus at 9:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [22 favorites]
posted by griphus at 9:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [22 favorites]
I will take all your tootsie rolls.
No, I didn't say accept, like you were offering them. I said take.
HAND THEM OVER.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
No, I didn't say accept, like you were offering them. I said take.
HAND THEM OVER.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
21) Smarties
It's the little differences. Smarties in Canada or the UK are a different thing.
In Canada, the US "Smarties" are called Rockets.
15) Nerds
If you’ve ever craved the experience of chewing on Polly Pocket figurines, then you would probably enjoy Nerds — tiny, one-note globules of flavored sugar exhibiting a gravelly crunch. Nerds know they aren’t the best, which is why they come in two flavors per pack, a brilliant strategy to distract you from their open mediocrity.
Get bent. When flavours are mixed together and you suck on them a giant handful at a time, they're friggin' delightful.*
*Now you know my shame.
You want all-time disgusting?
Thrills gum.
I recently bought some at a Bulk Barn, where they have retro candies, because as a kid, I actually used to like them, and I'd only get packages for Halloween. Think of biting into a bar of soap, and that gets you into the flavour ballpark there.
As an adult, oh wow. I couldn't even.
They're a Canada-only phenomenon, so if you're really, really morbidly curious, memail me and I will inflict a package on you.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
It's the little differences. Smarties in Canada or the UK are a different thing.
In Canada, the US "Smarties" are called Rockets.
15) Nerds
If you’ve ever craved the experience of chewing on Polly Pocket figurines, then you would probably enjoy Nerds — tiny, one-note globules of flavored sugar exhibiting a gravelly crunch. Nerds know they aren’t the best, which is why they come in two flavors per pack, a brilliant strategy to distract you from their open mediocrity.
Get bent. When flavours are mixed together and you suck on them a giant handful at a time, they're friggin' delightful.*
*Now you know my shame.
You want all-time disgusting?
Thrills gum.
I recently bought some at a Bulk Barn, where they have retro candies, because as a kid, I actually used to like them, and I'd only get packages for Halloween. Think of biting into a bar of soap, and that gets you into the flavour ballpark there.
As an adult, oh wow. I couldn't even.
They're a Canada-only phenomenon, so if you're really, really morbidly curious, memail me and I will inflict a package on you.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
I realize that was not an insightful or useful comment I just made, but the part of my brain that I usually use for making cogent responses is still sputtering about all the wrongness levels (WHERE ARE THE CHARLESTON CHEWS? HOW CAN YOU PUT TWIZZLERS BELOW MOUNDS AND RAISINETTES? WHO ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH HATES NERDS?! BUT BUT LIK'M'AID! AAAAAAAAA)
posted by Mchelly at 9:58 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Mchelly at 9:58 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
The latest Pop Culture Happy Hour features a discussion of Halloween treats, and I nearly had to pull over when Glen Weldon, after three or four slams on Tootsie Rolls, said "Got one more -- Hitler's birthday candles."
posted by Etrigan at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
My six year old daughter hates hates hates chocolate, except for plain M&Ms for some reason. She is pretty indifferent to all over candy, except Juicy Fruit gum.
So, Halloween is all about the trick-or-treating experience, and almost all the candy could go directly in the trash at the end of the night, for all she cares.
Works out great for me, I don't even have to steal her Snickers Bars while she sleeps.
posted by sideshow at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
So, Halloween is all about the trick-or-treating experience, and almost all the candy could go directly in the trash at the end of the night, for all she cares.
Works out great for me, I don't even have to steal her Snickers Bars while she sleeps.
posted by sideshow at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think the correct approach to this list is to not quibble over the rankings, but to unite in the understanding that this is intentional shit-stirring meant to spoil the goodness of Hallowe'en with pointless conflict.
Unfortunately, there does not seem to be any way on Vox to point this out.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Unfortunately, there does not seem to be any way on Vox to point this out.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Listen, I'm not defending this list. It has taken me years to admit it, but I myself love the glucose rush of Smarties. If I have to sit and listen to a barbershop quartet while I'm eating them, so be it.
posted by holborne at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by holborne at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
The idea of raisins and chocolate is awful. Then one day I accidentally ate a chocolate covered raisin and discovered it tasted good. It was a disappointing day. I hate being wrong.
posted by double bubble at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by double bubble at 9:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
Look at me, I'm an adult, my candy bars have names like Clif Builder and ProBar Base 15g Protein and cost $2.89 each
posted by theodolite at 10:00 AM on October 28, 2016 [36 favorites]
posted by theodolite at 10:00 AM on October 28, 2016 [36 favorites]
I have no problem admitting that I love Smarties, as I have no problem saying that Twizzlers are the most disgusting and even the smell of them makes me nauseous. That is why we can trade candy, that is how it works. I like Almond joy, you like Tootsie Rolls, we can all get what we want if we cooperate.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:07 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by louche mustachio at 10:07 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Grape Nerds are a gift from the gods. This person has terrible opinions on everything.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:08 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:08 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
A few years old, but the Buzzfeed Guide To Trading Halloween Candy is still good - and a far more accurate representation of goodness vs badness.
posted by Mchelly at 10:08 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Mchelly at 10:08 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
We were recently debating the general merits of Snickers vs Milky Way vs 3 Musketeers. We were divided into two camps - one that felt (rightly I believe) that Snickers was the only one worth eating and the second that declared undying love for 3 Musketeers. My colleague stood up and yelled at the latter group "that's exactly what I would expect from you candy corn eating mother fuckers!"
posted by double bubble at 10:09 AM on October 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by double bubble at 10:09 AM on October 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
What the fuck is a cow tale?
I don't think we have those here.
posted by ryanrs at 10:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
I don't think we have those here.
posted by ryanrs at 10:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Lo! When I was a child, I thought as a child, I spake as a child, and I ate candy as a child. And back then, my favorite candies were Chick-O-Sticks, Laffy Taffy, Hershey's Miniatures and Smarties.
Now I am an adult, and I have put away childish things. But I would still kill for a Chick-O-Stick. Man, those things were like crack.
posted by darkstar at 10:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Now I am an adult, and I have put away childish things. But I would still kill for a Chick-O-Stick. Man, those things were like crack.
posted by darkstar at 10:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm so mad about these rankings I'm already composing the Medium response to the Twitter fight caused by my initial Medium response to this Vox article.
I've been scooped! So now I'm composing a Thought Catalog essay titled, "Ezra Klein is a Bad Ally: The Halloween Candy Ranking Published on his Website Failed to Call Out Those Barfy Orange and Black Wrapped Things (and Why Good Allies Know They're So Much Worse Than Tootsie Rolls)." Might go ahead and pitch it to Bustle while I'm at it.
They're not quite as offensive as NECCO wafers, but seriously, fuuuuuck those hell-morsels.
posted by amnesia and magnets at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
I've been scooped! So now I'm composing a Thought Catalog essay titled, "Ezra Klein is a Bad Ally: The Halloween Candy Ranking Published on his Website Failed to Call Out Those Barfy Orange and Black Wrapped Things (and Why Good Allies Know They're So Much Worse Than Tootsie Rolls)." Might go ahead and pitch it to Bustle while I'm at it.
They're not quite as offensive as NECCO wafers, but seriously, fuuuuuck those hell-morsels.
posted by amnesia and magnets at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Hell yeah, time to hear candy opinions from Vox dot com, the Mallo-Cups of political websites
posted by Greg Nog
Reading whilst eating lunch, this comment made me laugh so hard that I fully expected today would be the day I got to go to the emergency room for inhaling a chunk of delicious stew.
So thanks for that, Greg Nog.
*wipes tear*
posted by blurker at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg Nog
Reading whilst eating lunch, this comment made me laugh so hard that I fully expected today would be the day I got to go to the emergency room for inhaling a chunk of delicious stew.
So thanks for that, Greg Nog.
*wipes tear*
posted by blurker at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Btw - Milky Way unsurprisingly garnered little
emotion either way.
posted by double bubble at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2016
emotion either way.
posted by double bubble at 10:11 AM on October 28, 2016
Too many non-chocolate candies in the top 10 (and ranking starburst above Twix is just ridonk), but their #1 choice is appropriate for a country that does not generally have access to Oh Henry or Mr. Big.
posted by sparklemotion at 10:14 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by sparklemotion at 10:14 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
This article is by some Russian who's never even been to October. Take Five is the #1 fun size Halloween candy.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 10:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by lefty lucky cat at 10:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
- Top Deck
- Violet Crumble
- Sherbies
- Musk Lifesavers
- Muskettes
- Jaffas
- Freddo Frogs
- Fruit Tingles
- Fry's Turkish Delight
- Caramello Koalas
- Old Jamaica Rum & Raisin
- Minties
- Fantales
- Cherry Ripe
- Fruit & Nut
- Red Frogs
- Killer Pythons
- Wizz Fizz
- Golden Rough
- Eucalyptus Drops
- Bananas
- Picnic
- Smarties
- Peppermint Crisp
- Marella Jubes
- Mint Patties
- Wagon Wheels
- Bertie Beetles
- Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs
- Green Frogs
- Strawberries & Cream
- Redskins (they'd be higher, except for the racism.)
- Milkos
- Fa
gds
Snickers. Forever and ever. I mean, seriously - I'll even scarf down the old dry ones with the chalky chocolate from those cheap bastards who're handing out candy they bought last year.
posted by Mooski at 10:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Mooski at 10:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I um like Necco Wafers yes I know I'll just leave now
posted by holborne at 10:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by holborne at 10:15 AM on October 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
They're a Canada-only phenomenon,
Speaking of Canada-only horrible candies, I give you Kerr's Molasses Kisses, the bane of my trick-or-treat bag as a child. CBC Calgary tracked down the CEO this week to talk with her as their informal poll of favourite Halloween candies had them running dead last.
posted by nubs at 10:16 AM on October 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
Speaking of Canada-only horrible candies, I give you Kerr's Molasses Kisses, the bane of my trick-or-treat bag as a child. CBC Calgary tracked down the CEO this week to talk with her as their informal poll of favourite Halloween candies had them running dead last.
posted by nubs at 10:16 AM on October 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
I really like the voice this listicle was written in, clearly it's an homage to the I Am Sixteen And Here Is My First Submission To Your Zine style of the mid 90s
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:17 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:17 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Come now. In this time of cultural conflict and divisive political rhetoric, we need to value our diversity, Nerds and Smarties, Snickers and Milky Way. We need to unite on this holiday under a common cause, the universal belief of American Halloween:
Fuckers who give out toothpaste or religious tracts need to be tricked.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 10:18 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Fuckers who give out toothpaste or religious tracts need to be tricked.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 10:18 AM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
I got confused by the part about milky ways/Mars bars/3 musketeers. Which is which in the USA?
posted by sevenyearlurk at 10:20 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by sevenyearlurk at 10:20 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Tootsie Rolls aren't even in the same planet as the worst possible Halloween Candy: molasses kisses from Kerr. Some deviants (like my mom) continue to buy them and reputedly like them, but I can testify that they are by far the worst thing a Canadian kid can receive on Halloween Night. They're so terrible we used to trade them away for the little tubes of Colgate the dentist at the end of the road gave out.
posted by bonehead at 10:21 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by bonehead at 10:21 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
what were those candies that were shaped like actual tiny fruits? i only remember the bananas, which i don't recall actually tasting like bananas. they were extremely hard and crunchy and not very tasty.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:21 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:21 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
We can all agree those horrible peanut buttery things wrapped in orange or black wax paper are the worst and any adult who hands them out should be shunned.
posted by Kitteh at 10:22 AM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Kitteh at 10:22 AM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
I have a feeling the order of these lists are generated by picking items out of a hat, so that it's guaranteed to piss off a maximum number of people (thus driving page views as people share the Ridiculously Wrong Thing with their friends).
candy corn is SO CLEARLY the worst that there is no other possible explanation, other than perhaps the author has brain damage
posted by AFABulous at 10:22 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
candy corn is SO CLEARLY the worst that there is no other possible explanation, other than perhaps the author has brain damage
posted by AFABulous at 10:22 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've always loved molasses kisses.
posted by FallowKing at 10:23 AM on October 28, 2016
posted by FallowKing at 10:23 AM on October 28, 2016
RUNTS THEY WERE RUNTS ugh
posted by poffin boffin at 10:23 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:23 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
what were those candies that were shaped like actual tiny fruits? i only remember the bananas, which i don't recall actually tasting like bananas. they were extremely hard and crunchy and not very tasty.
Runts!
posted by Kitteh at 10:23 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Runts!
posted by Kitteh at 10:23 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Anyone else remember Marathon bars from the 70's/80's? I loved those. Sigh.
100 Grand bars are still the best but I feel like they tasted better when they were called $100,000 bars.
/old.
posted by Mchelly at 10:24 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
100 Grand bars are still the best but I feel like they tasted better when they were called $100,000 bars.
/old.
posted by Mchelly at 10:24 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
also my god candy corn is disgusting and all candy corn fans should feel SHAME
posted by poffin boffin at 10:24 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:24 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
delicious delicious shame
posted by Kitteh at 10:25 AM on October 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by Kitteh at 10:25 AM on October 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
yes i am candyshaming
posted by poffin boffin at 10:25 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:25 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I haven't seen Runts in forever. I kind of liked 'em. Looks like they're still available on Amazon, at least.
posted by AndrewInDC at 10:25 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by AndrewInDC at 10:25 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Lost 2 fillings to Marathon bars...
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:26 AM on October 28, 2016
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:26 AM on October 28, 2016
Candy corn + salted peanuts = TEH AWESOME
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:27 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:27 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Anyone else remember Marathon bars from the 70's/80's? I loved those. Sigh.
OMG YES. I credit Marathon bars with creating my weakness for caramel, and for making me look like a dingbat by pulling it three feet out from my face while eating it.
posted by Mooski at 10:27 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
OMG YES. I credit Marathon bars with creating my weakness for caramel, and for making me look like a dingbat by pulling it three feet out from my face while eating it.
posted by Mooski at 10:27 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I give you Kerr's Molasses Kisses,
These are so weird because they're terrible yet ubiquitous. You'll always get some. ALWAYS. And yet they're so obviously bad. They're like the sound refrigerators make.
That said, they're better than candy corn.
posted by GuyZero at 10:29 AM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
These are so weird because they're terrible yet ubiquitous. You'll always get some. ALWAYS. And yet they're so obviously bad. They're like the sound refrigerators make.
That said, they're better than candy corn.
posted by GuyZero at 10:29 AM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Where are the Black Jacks?
I haven't seen them since I was trick-or-treating myself. Maybe they don't exist anymore. Basically they were taffy wrapped in waxed paper with twisted ends, like those black and orange peanut butter things. But they had a stripe of pink and a stripe of black, and a black licorice flavor. I hated black licorice but I liked Black Jacks. I guess enough sugar makes even aniseed pretty tolerable. My siblings hated them so I could usually trade the terrible dried-out gumballs and mints for their Black Jacks.
We all guarded our chocolate bars jealously, but there was intense trading of these second-rate, non-chocolate bar items. Somehow the second-rate choices, are now the candies that populate my memory-lane Halloween. Let's face it I am old enough to pick up any chocolate bar I like from the rack at the gas station, any time I want. So I have gotten plenty of the good stuff. It's the marginal candies I now miss.
I have faithfully given out proper chocolate bars, most years, and never bought cheap taffies. But the thing I have handed out for Halloween, which made the biggest hit, was the year I gave out glow sticks. I keep meaning to do that again sometime.
posted by elizilla at 10:29 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I haven't seen them since I was trick-or-treating myself. Maybe they don't exist anymore. Basically they were taffy wrapped in waxed paper with twisted ends, like those black and orange peanut butter things. But they had a stripe of pink and a stripe of black, and a black licorice flavor. I hated black licorice but I liked Black Jacks. I guess enough sugar makes even aniseed pretty tolerable. My siblings hated them so I could usually trade the terrible dried-out gumballs and mints for their Black Jacks.
We all guarded our chocolate bars jealously, but there was intense trading of these second-rate, non-chocolate bar items. Somehow the second-rate choices, are now the candies that populate my memory-lane Halloween. Let's face it I am old enough to pick up any chocolate bar I like from the rack at the gas station, any time I want. So I have gotten plenty of the good stuff. It's the marginal candies I now miss.
I have faithfully given out proper chocolate bars, most years, and never bought cheap taffies. But the thing I have handed out for Halloween, which made the biggest hit, was the year I gave out glow sticks. I keep meaning to do that again sometime.
posted by elizilla at 10:29 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
peanut buttery things wrapped in orange or black wax paper
they taste like they were made by a robot who had peanut butter described to it and decided to make long-lasting durable peanut butter analogues without using peanuts
posted by poffin boffin at 10:31 AM on October 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
they taste like they were made by a robot who had peanut butter described to it and decided to make long-lasting durable peanut butter analogues without using peanuts
posted by poffin boffin at 10:31 AM on October 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
We can all agree those horrible peanut buttery things wrapped in orange or black wax paper are the worst and any adult who hands them out should be shunned.
Mary Janes? I actually sort of like Mary Janes.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Mary Janes? I actually sort of like Mary Janes.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I got confused by the part about milky ways/Mars bars/3 musketeers. Which is which in the USA?
3 Musketeers (USA/Canada) = Milky Way (UK)
Milky Way (USA) = Mars (UK/Canada)
posted by cardboard at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
3 Musketeers (USA/Canada) = Milky Way (UK)
Milky Way (USA) = Mars (UK/Canada)
posted by cardboard at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I got confused by the part about milky ways/Mars bars/3 musketeers. Which is which in the USA?
Milky Way = caramel and nougat, covered in milk chocolate (don't even talk to me about those stupid Milky Way Midnight abomination things)
Mars Bars = no such animal as denominated; they're marketed and sold in the US as Snickers Almond
3 Musketeers = some sort of fluffy stuff covered in milk chocolate; no real point
posted by holborne at 10:33 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Milky Way = caramel and nougat, covered in milk chocolate (don't even talk to me about those stupid Milky Way Midnight abomination things)
Mars Bars = no such animal as denominated; they're marketed and sold in the US as Snickers Almond
3 Musketeers = some sort of fluffy stuff covered in milk chocolate; no real point
posted by holborne at 10:33 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is how I think the Snickers family fell out (in descending order of ingredients):
US:
Snickers
Milky Way
3 Musketeers
Everywhere else:
Snickers
Mars Bar
Milky Way
posted by double bubble at 10:33 AM on October 28, 2016
US:
Snickers
Milky Way
3 Musketeers
Everywhere else:
Snickers
Mars Bar
Milky Way
posted by double bubble at 10:33 AM on October 28, 2016
I wore a candy cigarette patch for years to kick the habitual yet delicious, chewy, powdered sugar puffing bliss that those cavity sticks were for me. Then I found candy corn Skoal.
posted by Flippervault at 10:35 AM on October 28, 2016
posted by Flippervault at 10:35 AM on October 28, 2016
This is clearly a man who has never eaten Nerds until the sucrose overload caused ulcers to form in his mouth.
Um. Which is a thing, that my friend told me can totally happen.
posted by Mayor West at 10:35 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Um. Which is a thing, that my friend told me can totally happen.
posted by Mayor West at 10:35 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
This is happening right now at my desk.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:36 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:36 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Cadbury's Fruit and Nut bars are perhaps my favorite chocolate bar of all time, so someone appears to be wrong. Wrong! On the internet!
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:36 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:36 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Um. Which is a thing, that my friend told me can totally happen.
Will report back in five to ten minutes. See above.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:37 AM on October 28, 2016
Will report back in five to ten minutes. See above.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:37 AM on October 28, 2016
No Zotz? And what was up with thise paraffin/wax lips/fangs? Were you supposed to eat those things? I'll admit I do miss the little waxy bottles of candy cola or whatever, and the chalky taste of candy cigarettes. And candy necklaces always got sticky and gross, and the string would get wet and blech!
posted by valkane at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by valkane at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Your favorite band Halloween candy sucks is criminally under-ranked on a Vox.com clickbait listicle that took less effort to write than was put into any of the subsequent rejoinders.
posted by tonycpsu at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2016
posted by tonycpsu at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2016
I learned to my dismay last year that candy corn is fucking delicious. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN. I CAN'T EVEN.
posted by janey47 at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by janey47 at 10:39 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you want to offer something different, check out the candy options at an Asian grocery.
(avoid the durian flavored hard candy, though)
posted by ShooBoo at 10:44 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
(avoid the durian flavored hard candy, though)
posted by ShooBoo at 10:44 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Grumpybear69's List Of Candy, from best to worst:
1. Reese's Mini Peanut Butter Cups (rated #1 nationally) and so goddamn addictive that they are banned from the grumpy household
2. Smarties (because you can just unroll them right into your mouth and then MMMMMMMMM)
3. Milky Way Midnight (tastes like DARKNESS)
4. Plain M'n'M's (because my gradma used to have a glass bowl full of them, always)
5. Everything else
Thank you.
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:47 AM on October 28, 2016
1. Reese's Mini Peanut Butter Cups (rated #1 nationally) and so goddamn addictive that they are banned from the grumpy household
2. Smarties (because you can just unroll them right into your mouth and then MMMMMMMMM)
3. Milky Way Midnight (tastes like DARKNESS)
4. Plain M'n'M's (because my gradma used to have a glass bowl full of them, always)
5. Everything else
Thank you.
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:47 AM on October 28, 2016
Any list that doesn't end with Smarties and Candy Corn is objectively wrong.
Smarties are poorly flavored chalk that burns a little.
Candy Corn is basically wax.
No.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:47 AM on October 28, 2016
Smarties are poorly flavored chalk that burns a little.
Candy Corn is basically wax.
No.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:47 AM on October 28, 2016
Ok. This ingredient list explains why I'm sweating a bit.
No ulcers to report, but it's kinda hard to tell - I burned the roof of my mouth on some soup at lunch.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:48 AM on October 28, 2016
No ulcers to report, but it's kinda hard to tell - I burned the roof of my mouth on some soup at lunch.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:48 AM on October 28, 2016
Oh, and 3 Musketeers and Milky Ways are just incomplete Snickers bars.
...and Snickers bars are way better with almonds.
*pours out 40 for American Mars Bar*
posted by leotrotsky at 10:49 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
...and Snickers bars are way better with almonds.
*pours out 40 for American Mars Bar*
posted by leotrotsky at 10:49 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I recently bought some at a Bulk Barn, where they have retro candies,
It is not just retro candy: they also sell bulk chocolate/caramel/sea salt things, which is a fantastic combo that the big candy manufacturers mysteriously avoid. And their selection of current candy is sort of orthogonal to what you find elsewhere: there are standard-issue chocolate-coated almonds and a few recognizable branded things like bulk broken Skor bars but the entire experience is slightly offset from what I see elsewhere, as if I were suddenly looking at the candy available in Romania or Uruguay.
In conclusion, Bulk Barn is a land of contrasts. Thank you.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:51 AM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
It is not just retro candy: they also sell bulk chocolate/caramel/sea salt things, which is a fantastic combo that the big candy manufacturers mysteriously avoid. And their selection of current candy is sort of orthogonal to what you find elsewhere: there are standard-issue chocolate-coated almonds and a few recognizable branded things like bulk broken Skor bars but the entire experience is slightly offset from what I see elsewhere, as if I were suddenly looking at the candy available in Romania or Uruguay.
In conclusion, Bulk Barn is a land of contrasts. Thank you.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:51 AM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
In conclusion, Bulk Barn is a land of contrasts. Thank you.
That's where I just picked up those Nerds pictured above. There's one - regrettably, now - very close to where I work. I need a nap.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:53 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
That's where I just picked up those Nerds pictured above. There's one - regrettably, now - very close to where I work. I need a nap.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:53 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
A quick shout out to the Payday, a flayed Baby Ruth designed to confuse and frustrate children.
They're nice and salty, and no one ever wants to have any.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:54 AM on October 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
They're nice and salty, and no one ever wants to have any.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:54 AM on October 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
Too many glib dismissals below the top 10 of candies I actually like (although for Twizzlers haters, I recommend Red Vines as a tactilly superior 'red licorice' experience). I proudly dislodged more than one tooth filling on Tootsie Rolls before I realized I could just suck on them for an extended near-chocolate experience. But as a kid who was allergic to peanuts before it as cool, I felt validated by the fact that Milky Way ranked above the forbidden fruit of Snickers. And I agree wholeheartedly with the list's #1: Kit Kat gives ME a break, especially in Fun Size (a sad misnomer, because as many have declared before me, miniature versions of candy bars are far less Fun than Full Size).
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:55 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
A quick shout out to the Zero bar, which I've only ever seen covered in dust in questionable gas stations, because though some people hate chocolate*, there aren't very many of them.
*see also Payday
posted by leotrotsky at 10:58 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
*see also Payday
posted by leotrotsky at 10:58 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I ate a "fun size" box of nerds earlier today and now I'm eating some salt and vinegar potato chips. My mouth hates me, but at least it's distracting me from the menstrual cramps.
posted by giraffe at 10:58 AM on October 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by giraffe at 10:58 AM on October 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
but at least it's distracting me from the menstrual cramps.
I brought my wife some tortilla chips and salsa a couple weeks back; she eyed them suspiciously, then tore the bag open and started dipping them in the salsa: "I don't know whether to thank you or smack you."
posted by Mooski at 11:03 AM on October 28, 2016
I brought my wife some tortilla chips and salsa a couple weeks back; she eyed them suspiciously, then tore the bag open and started dipping them in the salsa: "I don't know whether to thank you or smack you."
posted by Mooski at 11:03 AM on October 28, 2016
Much love to Whatchamacallit, because I watched Saturday morning cartoons and advertising works.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:05 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by leotrotsky at 11:05 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
No mention of the worst of the worst? Not so much because they don't taste great (they're not horrible) or because they're hard and sticky and markedly inferior Starbursts. But because they will try to take your teeth and fillings with them when you eat them: Now and Later.
Also, I discovered something delicious which I proceeded to horrify my SO with. If you take a late in the season raspberry (not all that sweet, but still passable) and put a candy corn in the little divot, it's amazing. I only had two, (not my candy corn or raspberries), but oh so good.
Halloween always brings questions: Which are worse, Tootsie pops or Blow pops? How is Necco still in business? Why does anyone make chocolate candy corn? (Hated by both those who like chocolate and those who like candy corn.) Why no love for the humble 100 Grand, which takes the crispiness of Nestle Crunch and marries it with caramel, so you don't get that weird emptiness afterwards?
posted by Hactar at 11:09 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, I discovered something delicious which I proceeded to horrify my SO with. If you take a late in the season raspberry (not all that sweet, but still passable) and put a candy corn in the little divot, it's amazing. I only had two, (not my candy corn or raspberries), but oh so good.
Halloween always brings questions: Which are worse, Tootsie pops or Blow pops? How is Necco still in business? Why does anyone make chocolate candy corn? (Hated by both those who like chocolate and those who like candy corn.) Why no love for the humble 100 Grand, which takes the crispiness of Nestle Crunch and marries it with caramel, so you don't get that weird emptiness afterwards?
posted by Hactar at 11:09 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
this list is extremely wrong in so many ways. nerds and smarties are delicious and gummi bears are trash that shouldn't even count as candy
i'm gonna go eat fun dip until my tongue bleeds in protest
posted by burgerrr at 11:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
i'm gonna go eat fun dip until my tongue bleeds in protest
posted by burgerrr at 11:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
A quick shout out to the Payday
Discovering the deliciousness of Payday as a child made me feel like I was let in on some big adult secret. (A candy bar without chocolate that's actually better than most chocolate bars? Insanity!)
Also, I recall one time being at a friend's house whose mom had put out a big bowl filled with fun-size Almond Joys and Mounds. After trying several of each, I remember liking Almond Joy but loving Mounds. At the time, I didn't know what made the one so much better than the other. Looking back on it now, I realize that it marked my introduction to the subtle, delectable (if slightly sinister) world of dark chocolate, which was to become my mistress and my muse. I've never looked back.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Discovering the deliciousness of Payday as a child made me feel like I was let in on some big adult secret. (A candy bar without chocolate that's actually better than most chocolate bars? Insanity!)
Also, I recall one time being at a friend's house whose mom had put out a big bowl filled with fun-size Almond Joys and Mounds. After trying several of each, I remember liking Almond Joy but loving Mounds. At the time, I didn't know what made the one so much better than the other. Looking back on it now, I realize that it marked my introduction to the subtle, delectable (if slightly sinister) world of dark chocolate, which was to become my mistress and my muse. I've never looked back.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Props to Fifth Avenue, which, though usually consigned to the remainder bin with Heath and Clark bars, is superior to Butterfinger in every way except popularity.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by leotrotsky at 11:10 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
I'm not sure of they're maybe Canada-only, or Stateside-only, or just new (as apparently Oh Henry is made by different manufacturers on either side of the border) but I encountered the Oh Henry Cookie Bar just the other day and can safely announce that I will be blowing past the 300 lb. mark sometime soon.
posted by Quindar Beep at 11:17 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure of they're maybe Canada-only, or Stateside-only, or just new (as apparently Oh Henry is made by different manufacturers on either side of the border) but I encountered the Oh Henry Cookie Bar just the other day and can safely announce that I will be blowing past the 300 lb. mark sometime soon.
posted by Quindar Beep at 11:17 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also where the fuck are Junior Mints? The mini box of Junior Mints is the perfect size for eating six of.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:19 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by uncleozzy at 11:19 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I love chocolate tootsie pops and will gladly accept any and all of them - memail me for my address and I will do you a solid and act as your repository.
Meanwhile, I do not understand chocolate covered pretzels at all.
posted by Mchelly at 11:19 AM on October 28, 2016
Meanwhile, I do not understand chocolate covered pretzels at all.
posted by Mchelly at 11:19 AM on October 28, 2016
How is there no mention in thread about sugar babies? I think of halloween candy, and sugar babies always comes to mind. That delicious carmelly taste, along with the texture unique to sugar babies.
And damn it, I'm currently in Canada where sugar babies pretty much don't exist except from candy importers. So a small bag will be like $5... why do I suddenly want to yell at someone to get off my lawn?
posted by nobeagle at 11:20 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
And damn it, I'm currently in Canada where sugar babies pretty much don't exist except from candy importers. So a small bag will be like $5... why do I suddenly want to yell at someone to get off my lawn?
posted by nobeagle at 11:20 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I like all of those candies, but then again I like licorice (actual black licorice, not just the brightly colored fruity stuff) so my tastes can be a little off. This probably stems from being the child of a dentist and growing up in a house where candy was not commonly found. So Halloween was a wondrous time for us, going out and returning with pillowcases full of goodies. I felt bad for the kids that stopped at our house, because as a dentist my father got free samples of Trident, which of course we gave out on Halloween. And this was the original 1970s version that was almost flavorless and hard as a rock. If that were still around it would be at top of the list for sure.
posted by TedW at 11:20 AM on October 28, 2016
posted by TedW at 11:20 AM on October 28, 2016
Also I just want to say that if you don't get any Coffee Crisps this Halloween it was because you're a terrible, broken human being.
posted by GuyZero at 11:23 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by GuyZero at 11:23 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
As bad as Hershey's chocolate is, I will always give the miniatures their due because of the inclusion of the scant few "bars" of Special Dark. Which, even at my young, single-digit age, taught that dark chocolate was where the true chocolate action was.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:32 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 11:32 AM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
With due respect to AlonzoMosleyFBI, I will take your molasses kisses. Now.
I'm torn between hitting the Bulk Barn for molasses kisses now, or waiting until Tuesday and hoping that they have some left over where they'll likely be half price. Alas, I've never seen sugar babies at the bulk barn, even if they are a great source of Thrills gum. Mmmmm soap.
posted by nobeagle at 11:33 AM on October 28, 2016
I'm torn between hitting the Bulk Barn for molasses kisses now, or waiting until Tuesday and hoping that they have some left over where they'll likely be half price. Alas, I've never seen sugar babies at the bulk barn, even if they are a great source of Thrills gum. Mmmmm soap.
posted by nobeagle at 11:33 AM on October 28, 2016
ryanrs: What the fuck is a cow tale?
It's a long stick of chewy caramel with a filling of sugary-sweet cream stuff. It is SO GOOD.
posted by SansPoint at 11:33 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's a long stick of chewy caramel with a filling of sugary-sweet cream stuff. It is SO GOOD.
posted by SansPoint at 11:33 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
HOW THE FUCK ARE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS ONLY 10?!
*rage*
posted by SansPoint at 11:34 AM on October 28, 2016
*rage*
posted by SansPoint at 11:34 AM on October 28, 2016
Raisins are not candy.
Coconut is not candy.
Almonds are not candy.
Candy is sugar or a sugar derivative.
Peanuts aren't candy, either, but are acceptable as an inert filler.
posted by rocket88 at 11:35 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Coconut is not candy.
Almonds are not candy.
Candy is sugar or a sugar derivative.
Peanuts aren't candy, either, but are acceptable as an inert filler.
posted by rocket88 at 11:35 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I actually agree with much of the writer's opinions on candy. Which I can tell puts me in the minority here, but DAMN if fun size Kit Kats aren't the best thing ever!! (And the Candy Corn description was right on!)
posted by sharp pointy objects at 11:37 AM on October 28, 2016
posted by sharp pointy objects at 11:37 AM on October 28, 2016
HOW THE FUCK ARE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS ONLY 10?!
Only 10? Be happy they're not even lower. The peanut butter in Reese's Cups is so fucking grainy, it might as well be crunchy style. "Smooth" is not a setting at the Reese's factory.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:38 AM on October 28, 2016
Only 10? Be happy they're not even lower. The peanut butter in Reese's Cups is so fucking grainy, it might as well be crunchy style. "Smooth" is not a setting at the Reese's factory.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:38 AM on October 28, 2016
griphus: "I'm so mad about these rankings I'm already composing the Medium response to the Twitter fight caused by my initial Medium response to this Vox article."
If only vine were still a thing.
posted by boo_radley at 11:43 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
If only vine were still a thing.
posted by boo_radley at 11:43 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
The peanut butter in Reese's Cups is so fucking grainy, it might as well be crunchy style. "Smooth" is not a setting at the Reese's factory.
I'm not sure what Reese's does, but if my experience in the kitchen is any guide the peanut butter is mixed with confectioner's sugar. 100% peanut butter just melts at baking temperatures, and the graininess of the mixture is similar.
posted by Quindar Beep at 11:45 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure what Reese's does, but if my experience in the kitchen is any guide the peanut butter is mixed with confectioner's sugar. 100% peanut butter just melts at baking temperatures, and the graininess of the mixture is similar.
posted by Quindar Beep at 11:45 AM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Starburst at number two? You shouldn't write articles under the influence of Nyquil and Xanax.
posted by Splunge at 11:45 AM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 11:45 AM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Don't anyone argue with me about candy. I did 'shrooms earlier today and, right now, I know my shit when it comes to candy.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:50 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 11:50 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Goetze's caramel cremes don't even merit a rank, and therefore this list is useless. (They're #1, by the way)
posted by enjoymoreradio at 11:51 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by enjoymoreradio at 11:51 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Goetze's caramel cremes
They're just fat Cow Tales. (Which, actually, I really love.)
posted by uncleozzy at 11:53 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
They're just fat Cow Tales. (Which, actually, I really love.)
posted by uncleozzy at 11:53 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Reese peanut butter cups were forever ruined for me after they introduced Reese chocolate peanut butter spread. At least they have that in Canada; it tastes like they took a bunch of reese peanut butter cups, replaced the peanut butter with something as sweet, but with a better texture, ground it all up and put it in a jar. Why bother with the cups and the sub-par texture when you can get a giant tub with a nicer texture that you can eat with a spoon.
Am I the only person that made Reese peanut butter cup sandwiches? Slice of bread, 4 pb cups, topped with a slice of bread. Maybe a layer of drizzled caramel from a squeezy bottle if one was lucky enough to have it around? Yeah, the Reese spread is even better for sandwiches.
For those interested in this new world of dessert sandwiches (because cookies and candies don't have enough carby-goodness), oreo-style cookies make great sandwiches too. I'm drooling right now thinkin of a sandwich made with the dare maple cream cookies. They're called "sandwich cookies" because they should be in a sandwich, not because the cookies sandwich the cream filling.
posted by nobeagle at 11:55 AM on October 28, 2016
Am I the only person that made Reese peanut butter cup sandwiches? Slice of bread, 4 pb cups, topped with a slice of bread. Maybe a layer of drizzled caramel from a squeezy bottle if one was lucky enough to have it around? Yeah, the Reese spread is even better for sandwiches.
For those interested in this new world of dessert sandwiches (because cookies and candies don't have enough carby-goodness), oreo-style cookies make great sandwiches too. I'm drooling right now thinkin of a sandwich made with the dare maple cream cookies. They're called "sandwich cookies" because they should be in a sandwich, not because the cookies sandwich the cream filling.
posted by nobeagle at 11:55 AM on October 28, 2016
My list:
1. Coffee Crisp.
That is all.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:56 AM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
1. Coffee Crisp.
That is all.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:56 AM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Justin's dark chocolate pb cups are glorious and dairy free so I can eat them until I go into a diabetic coma
posted by poffin boffin at 11:57 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:57 AM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you want to offer something different, check out the candy options at an Asian grocery.
(avoid the durian flavored hard candy, though)
If you hate children and never want them to come to your house again you can hand out durian candy for Trick or Treat.
It will be so worth cleaning the toilet paper and eggs off of every surface.
(I just got a mouthful of surprise! durian mochi at a party the other night and it was rude as Hell. Some people say they are delicious, but they are wrong. Durian tastes like someone farted in a greasy melon.)
posted by louche mustachio at 11:59 AM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
man this list is sooo wrong. Mike and Ike's are great! So is candy corn! What is wrong with these people? There is no way sour patch kids are worse than their winner, Twix. Man now I'm all het up over candy.
posted by Carillon at 11:59 AM on October 28, 2016
posted by Carillon at 11:59 AM on October 28, 2016
(although for Twizzlers haters, I recommend Red Vines as a tactilly superior 'red licorice' experience)
No. Red Vines are also gross. If you LIKE Twizzlers, you will like Red Vines MORE. If you hate Twizzlers as much as I do*, the difference in quality will be lost on you.
*Nobody hates Twizzlers as much as I do.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:04 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
No. Red Vines are also gross. If you LIKE Twizzlers, you will like Red Vines MORE. If you hate Twizzlers as much as I do*, the difference in quality will be lost on you.
*Nobody hates Twizzlers as much as I do.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:04 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Perhaps forgotten, or perhaps never known by the multitudes, but Maple Buns are among the best candy bars ever conceived.
posted by tommyD at 12:15 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by tommyD at 12:15 PM on October 28, 2016
How is Laffy Taffy, the worlds best candy, LOWER THAN CANDY CORN?!
Candy corn is sweetened wax.
posted by INFJ at 12:25 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Candy corn is sweetened wax.
posted by INFJ at 12:25 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
As usual, this list is so far off the mark it makes you question the humanity of the writer. Starburst at #2. WTF?
posted by doctor_negative at 12:34 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by doctor_negative at 12:34 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also those "peanut buttery things wrapped in orange or black wax paper" are not getting the respect they deserve! They're good! Come at me bro.
posted by INFJ at 12:35 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by INFJ at 12:35 PM on October 28, 2016
I um like Necco Wafers yes I know I'll just leave now
No! I like Necco Wafers too - yeah, there are some ways I never lost the New England.
And I also like Runts, and Smarties (both the UK and US version), and Nerds. And candy corn, even. (Tangent: did you know that they have upscale candy corn now? They have a chocolate and sea salt flavor, and some monstrosity called "brunch favorites". )
Y'know what I rarely see any more, is bottle caps. They were kind of like Smarties or SweetTarts, only in soda flavors.
My office is doing a whole trick or treat thing today with people's kids coming around, and I picked up a multi-flavor bag-o-fun-sizes package of KitKats for our cube area. I feel strangely prescient.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:37 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
No! I like Necco Wafers too - yeah, there are some ways I never lost the New England.
And I also like Runts, and Smarties (both the UK and US version), and Nerds. And candy corn, even. (Tangent: did you know that they have upscale candy corn now? They have a chocolate and sea salt flavor, and some monstrosity called "brunch favorites". )
Y'know what I rarely see any more, is bottle caps. They were kind of like Smarties or SweetTarts, only in soda flavors.
My office is doing a whole trick or treat thing today with people's kids coming around, and I picked up a multi-flavor bag-o-fun-sizes package of KitKats for our cube area. I feel strangely prescient.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:37 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Y'know what I rarely see any more, is bottle caps. They were kind of like Smarties or SweetTarts, only in soda flavors.
*emerges from Nerds-induced haze*
OMG I loved those!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:48 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
*emerges from Nerds-induced haze*
OMG I loved those!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:48 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Laffy Taffy is sugary tub caulk.
posted by Splunge at 12:50 PM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 12:50 PM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Goetze's caramel cremes
Not. Googling. That.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:51 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Not. Googling. That.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:51 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you hate children and never want them to come to your house again you can hand out durian candy for Trick or Treat.
Back when we tied turnips to our belts, it was popcorn balls. God, you couldn't give those away and the dogs wouldn't eat them. And one elderly couple who gave them away made us write down our names like we were going to come back for seconds.
posted by y2karl at 12:53 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Back when we tied turnips to our belts, it was popcorn balls. God, you couldn't give those away and the dogs wouldn't eat them. And one elderly couple who gave them away made us write down our names like we were going to come back for seconds.
posted by y2karl at 12:53 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also those "peanut buttery things wrapped in orange or black wax paper" are not getting the respect they deserve! They're good! Come at me bro.
Those abominations are Satan's own mucus, freeze-dried and wrapped in wax paper.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:06 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Those abominations are Satan's own mucus, freeze-dried and wrapped in wax paper.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:06 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
True story...
For several years, the owners of a local bakery lived in our neighborhood, and gave out fresh doughnuts to all the neighborhood kids and their parents.
I say "neighborhood kids" because we are one of those neighborhoods where vans full of interlopers drop their kids off from god-knows-where to work the houses here. No doughnuts for them.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:09 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
For several years, the owners of a local bakery lived in our neighborhood, and gave out fresh doughnuts to all the neighborhood kids and their parents.
I say "neighborhood kids" because we are one of those neighborhoods where vans full of interlopers drop their kids off from god-knows-where to work the houses here. No doughnuts for them.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:09 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Those peanut buttery things wrapped in orange and black wax paper aren't peanut buttery at all. They're molasses kisses. They taste like molasses. If you're expecting them to taste peanut buttery, it's no wonder you're disappointed.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:28 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Sys Rq at 1:28 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Raisins are not candy.
Coconut is not candy.
Almonds are not candy.
Candy is sugar or a sugar derivative.
Raisins are more than 70% sugar. That's more sugar than there is in the chocolate.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:32 PM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Coconut is not candy.
Almonds are not candy.
Candy is sugar or a sugar derivative.
Raisins are more than 70% sugar. That's more sugar than there is in the chocolate.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:32 PM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Durian tastes like someone farted in a greasy melon
kinkshamer stop kinkshaming
posted by poffin boffin at 1:38 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
kinkshamer stop kinkshaming
posted by poffin boffin at 1:38 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
The limited edition Butterscotch M&M's are amazing. Give out those.
posted by jonmc at 1:50 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by jonmc at 1:50 PM on October 28, 2016
I wish all you candy corn haters could send me all your corn because I love that shit, especially when it's fresh, which only happens this time of year. And you know what's even better? Those candy pumpkins that are made out of the same stuff except they're bigger so you can sink your teeth into them. Oh yeah!
posted by charlesminus at 2:03 PM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by charlesminus at 2:03 PM on October 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Also wether's are awesome, why people dismiss them is beyond me. Sure your grandparents might like them but they've been around a while and know the good from the bad!
posted by Carillon at 2:03 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Carillon at 2:03 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
werther's hard candies are bomb as hell!!!!
posted by burgerrr at 2:06 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by burgerrr at 2:06 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I laughed out loud at their descriptions of Tootsie stuff and Mike and Ike. But then they maligned Twizzlers and I got a little angry. Later when they ranked Mounds over Almond Joy, I realized it was all a joke and they couldn't really be serious.
posted by DarkForest at 2:06 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by DarkForest at 2:06 PM on October 28, 2016
Tootsie anything used to be prime goods back when I was a kid. Chocolatey and chewy. But, whatever they did to the recipe has transformed Tootsie into hard, brown, tasteless scoopings from my cat's litterbox. I have no idea how a company could have so willingly fucked-up their heirloom treat. I've yet to encounter a contemporary Tootsie that isn't hard and stale, fresh from the package.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:10 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by Thorzdad at 2:10 PM on October 28, 2016
Adorable moment today -
We all overbought for the trick-or-treaters in the office, so after the kids came through a bunch of us were standing around and noshing on candy while chatting. There's a guy who works here who's from Spain, and when he found a Butterfinger he said "hmm, we didn't have these in Spain, let me try it..." and when he did the look on his face was like he was tasting chocolate-dipped Nirvana.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:16 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
We all overbought for the trick-or-treaters in the office, so after the kids came through a bunch of us were standing around and noshing on candy while chatting. There's a guy who works here who's from Spain, and when he found a Butterfinger he said "hmm, we didn't have these in Spain, let me try it..." and when he did the look on his face was like he was tasting chocolate-dipped Nirvana.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:16 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Forgot to add - the rest of us laughed at that and agreed that Butterfingers are awesome. "Except they get stuck in your teeth," someone said.
"I don't think I care!" said the guy from Spain, still marveling.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:17 PM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
"I don't think I care!" said the guy from Spain, still marveling.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:17 PM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Hard candies are just silly. It's like sucking on colored and flavored plastic, and then they cut the top of your mouth.
posted by holborne at 2:30 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by holborne at 2:30 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Dots are the worst. Weird jelly texture that laminates itself to one's teeth.
Of course, the candy that actually took my fillings out were Jujyfruits, which six-year-old me had a mad pash for.
posted by catlet at 2:37 PM on October 28, 2016
Of course, the candy that actually took my fillings out were Jujyfruits, which six-year-old me had a mad pash for.
posted by catlet at 2:37 PM on October 28, 2016
Skittles has been dead to me since they swapped in disgusting fake green apple for the old lime Skittle (and even continued to market them as the "original fruit flavors" -- fuck that noise!).
posted by tocts at 3:12 PM on October 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by tocts at 3:12 PM on October 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
Damn right. green apple sucks. I don't know what they were thinking. It doesn't even blend well with the others, so you can't take a mouthful like before.
Lime rocks.
posted by percor at 3:20 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Lime rocks.
posted by percor at 3:20 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I like to hand out Hershey's chocolate to kids while snacking on a Scharffen Berger Sea Salt Bark or some Jacque Torres delicacy that I mail-ordered. Suckers.
posted by Splunge at 3:22 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 3:22 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Psht! That list (as many have said) is complete bullshit.
posted by evilDoug at 3:38 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by evilDoug at 3:38 PM on October 28, 2016
one year I took the kid trick or treating to a super fancy rich person neighborhood
she went up to the biggest, expensivest looking mansion, it was up on a hill, there were fountains and statues and topiary, the driveway was like a quarter mile long
she got a Kirkland granola bar
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:50 PM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
she went up to the biggest, expensivest looking mansion, it was up on a hill, there were fountains and statues and topiary, the driveway was like a quarter mile long
she got a Kirkland granola bar
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:50 PM on October 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
This list is almost entirely wrong. Also, those aren't Smarties. Those are rockets (which I actually like). These are Smarties (which are superior to M&Ms).
posted by asnider at 3:54 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by asnider at 3:54 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
These are Smarties. All else are fakes.
posted by Splunge at 4:03 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 4:03 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Milk Chocolate Is Better Than Dark Chocolate, The End
posted by the man of twists and turns at 4:07 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by the man of twists and turns at 4:07 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Milk Chocolate Is Better Than Dark Chocolate, The End
That stupid article is best summed up by this quote:
"Which, fine, is Veblen and not Marx, but they’re related, and anyway, something something bourgeois something something “responsibly sourced” and just see point 4 again, I don’t know. "
posted by GuyZero at 4:11 PM on October 28, 2016
That stupid article is best summed up by this quote:
"Which, fine, is Veblen and not Marx, but they’re related, and anyway, something something bourgeois something something “responsibly sourced” and just see point 4 again, I don’t know. "
posted by GuyZero at 4:11 PM on October 28, 2016
um, we got peppermint patties to give out so you're all welcome over here if you want the good stuff
posted by likeatoaster at 4:39 PM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by likeatoaster at 4:39 PM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
Never Forget: The Carob Halloween of 1985
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:57 PM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:57 PM on October 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
No point arguing this list point-by-point - quicker to redo it. I predict this version may be controversial as well though due to my preference for hard/sugar candies. I admit to being uncertain about some parts of this list depending on my mood.
27. Twizzlers
26. Hershey Bars (the regular bad milk chocolate)
25. Hershey Kisses (Hershey varieties other than plain milk chocolate can be significantly better, however)
24. Laffy Taffy
23. Candy Corn
22. M&Ms
21. Tootsie Rolls (non-chocolate are a least a place higher)
20. Raisinets
19. Cow Tales
18. Nestle Crunch
17. Kit-Kat
16. Reeses
15. Three Musketeers
14. Milky Way (but the "midnight" and the old Mars bar aka Milky Way Almond top the whole Mars sub-category)
13. Snickers
12. Mounds
11. Almond Joy
10. Mike & Ike
9. Gummi Bears
8. Skittles
7. Smarties (I know where I stand)
6. Jolly Ranchers
5. Starbursts
4. Butterfinger
3. Twix
2. Nerds (!)
1. Sour Patch Kids
posted by atoxyl at 6:05 PM on October 28, 2016
27. Twizzlers
26. Hershey Bars (the regular bad milk chocolate)
25. Hershey Kisses (Hershey varieties other than plain milk chocolate can be significantly better, however)
24. Laffy Taffy
23. Candy Corn
22. M&Ms
21. Tootsie Rolls (non-chocolate are a least a place higher)
20. Raisinets
19. Cow Tales
18. Nestle Crunch
17. Kit-Kat
16. Reeses
15. Three Musketeers
14. Milky Way (but the "midnight" and the old Mars bar aka Milky Way Almond top the whole Mars sub-category)
13. Snickers
12. Mounds
11. Almond Joy
10. Mike & Ike
9. Gummi Bears
8. Skittles
7. Smarties (I know where I stand)
6. Jolly Ranchers
5. Starbursts
4. Butterfinger
3. Twix
2. Nerds (!)
1. Sour Patch Kids
posted by atoxyl at 6:05 PM on October 28, 2016
These are Smarties. All else are fakes.
Pfft. Rowntree first made Smarties in 1882. Admittedly, they were Chocolate Beans then- they changed the name to Smarties in 1937. That's still 12 whole years before 1949, the unfortunate year when Ce De Candy Inc. first started cranking out those chalky pretenders.
posted by zamboni at 6:12 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Pfft. Rowntree first made Smarties in 1882. Admittedly, they were Chocolate Beans then- they changed the name to Smarties in 1937. That's still 12 whole years before 1949, the unfortunate year when Ce De Candy Inc. first started cranking out those chalky pretenders.
posted by zamboni at 6:12 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
we got peppermint patties to give out so you're all welcome over here if you want the good stuff
I gave my two year old a peppermint patty last week. She was so excited until she bit into it, when she gave me the most pained look of abject betrayal, before spitting it into my hand.
More for me.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:44 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I gave my two year old a peppermint patty last week. She was so excited until she bit into it, when she gave me the most pained look of abject betrayal, before spitting it into my hand.
More for me.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:44 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Peppermint patties taste like the bottom of Grandma's purse.
Yet I sometimes still like them.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:52 PM on October 28, 2016
Yet I sometimes still like them.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:52 PM on October 28, 2016
I can't believe that everyone in here just gives Kit Kat a pass at #1. I mean I don't hate them, but if a friend gave me one I would wonder if it was some kind of passive aggressive attack.
posted by Literaryhero at 7:04 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Literaryhero at 7:04 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I had blocked molasses kisses from my mind, you monsters.
And a shoutout to my Coffee Crisp friends. It's no peanut butter cup, but really so little is.
posted by jeather at 7:06 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
And a shoutout to my Coffee Crisp friends. It's no peanut butter cup, but really so little is.
posted by jeather at 7:06 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
After Eight Chocolate Mints. Not sure who gives these out tho except for like, swingers.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:43 PM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:43 PM on October 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
My grandparents used to have those, which. Well. I don't want to know.
posted by jeather at 7:48 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by jeather at 7:48 PM on October 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Well, I LIKE Kit Kat but I didn't think it was quite number 1 until I went grocery shopping today and saw for the first time in the unavoidable massive pre-Halloween product pile Triple Chocolate Kit Kat, which, when I tried it (in Snack Size, which Kit Kat DOES benefit from), I did a very embarassing-looking happy dance. Because chocolate flavoring the cream AND the wafers to go with the milk chocolate coating achieved the most optimal chocolate-ness that ANYTHING from Hershey had ever done.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:56 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:56 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I assume most of the disagreement about which candy is the worst is only taking place because we all agree that circus peanuts are so obscenely terrible that they don't even count as candy?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:38 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:38 PM on October 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
This thread is worth it just for the knowledge that the differences between United States and Canadian culture extend to the bad weird wax paper wrapped candies only seen during Halloween.
posted by Small Dollar at 9:03 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by Small Dollar at 9:03 PM on October 28, 2016
I love the candy everyone hates & I'm not sorry. Necco? Chalky goodness. Candy corn? Yea. Runts with that weird texture. Nom. Keep your gross peanuts & chocolate and give me every weird fruit flavor that will stick to my teeth.
posted by dame at 9:13 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by dame at 9:13 PM on October 28, 2016
Everyone has forgotten malted milk balls. Everyone is wrong.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:20 PM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:20 PM on October 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I have two words for y'all, Pixie Stix.
Oh to be back to the days of licking this amazing powder out of the palm of my hand!!!
posted by AugustWest at 9:25 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh to be back to the days of licking this amazing powder out of the palm of my hand!!!
posted by AugustWest at 9:25 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Since the demise of the Callard & Bowser Dessert Nougat, candy has been dead to me.
posted by sonascope at 10:52 PM on October 28, 2016
posted by sonascope at 10:52 PM on October 28, 2016
My six year old daughter hates hates hates chocolate
"Begone changeling, you are no child of mine!"
posted by boilermonster at 11:29 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
"Begone changeling, you are no child of mine!"
posted by boilermonster at 11:29 PM on October 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
are we making lists
i, too, can make a list
26. Sour Patch Kids
25. Candy Corn
24. Reeses
23. Cachews
22. Rocky Bites
21. Hershey Kisses (not actually kisses!)
20. Chonglets
19. PB Snaps
18. Zig-Zaggers
17. Maxwell Chompers
16. Wafer-Stix
15. Chocca-Nutties
14. Zeppelins
13. Big Berthas
12. Wesker's
11. Lumps
10. Moose!
9. Boowahs
8. Brittle Noshers
7. Purina® Dog Chow® Tender & Crunchy Brand Dog Food
6. Rinky Dinky's (without hidden razor blades)
5. Mondos
4. Rinky Dinky's (with blades)
3. Soap, for some reason
2. Garmonbozia
1. Hershey Bars
it goes without saying that my list is the best, of course
posted by KChasm at 12:14 AM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
i, too, can make a list
26. Sour Patch Kids
25. Candy Corn
24. Reeses
23. Cachews
22. Rocky Bites
21. Hershey Kisses (not actually kisses!)
20. Chonglets
19. PB Snaps
18. Zig-Zaggers
17. Maxwell Chompers
16. Wafer-Stix
15. Chocca-Nutties
14. Zeppelins
13. Big Berthas
12. Wesker's
11. Lumps
10. Moose!
9. Boowahs
8. Brittle Noshers
7. Purina® Dog Chow® Tender & Crunchy Brand Dog Food
6. Rinky Dinky's (without hidden razor blades)
5. Mondos
4. Rinky Dinky's (with blades)
3. Soap, for some reason
2. Garmonbozia
1. Hershey Bars
it goes without saying that my list is the best, of course
posted by KChasm at 12:14 AM on October 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
The latest Pop Culture Happy Hour features a discussion of Halloween treats, and I nearly had to pull over when Glen Weldon, after three or four slams on Tootsie Rolls, said "Got one more -- Hitler's birthday candles."
Suuuure, but I was partial to "the dainty, ladylike turds of Madame Tussaud."
That conversation also includes Mallory Ortberg explaining that she has gum grafts from a cadaver. You should listen! [/plug]
posted by Linda_Holmes at 7:21 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Suuuure, but I was partial to "the dainty, ladylike turds of Madame Tussaud."
That conversation also includes Mallory Ortberg explaining that she has gum grafts from a cadaver. You should listen! [/plug]
posted by Linda_Holmes at 7:21 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm with the poster above who loves cadbury with nuts and raisins.
But I'm also a sick fuck who loves those nasty black candies in the orange wrapper that taste like tar. And Eatmores. Go ahead and judge me.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:21 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
But I'm also a sick fuck who loves those nasty black candies in the orange wrapper that taste like tar. And Eatmores. Go ahead and judge me.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:21 AM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Everyone has forgotten malted milk balls. Everyone is wrong.
No, it's just that you can't get malted milk balls at Halloween. You can only get Whoppers, which claim to be malted milk balls but are actually wax covered chalk. You have to wait for Easter to get the proper Brach's malted milk ball eggs.
Why have so many of Brach's candies disappeared, anyways? They used to make a Christmas version of the malted milk balls, but I haven't seen those in 20 years. And they used to make a candy called Jots, that looked like plain M&Ms but actually had tasty chocolate in them. They had Jots in the bulk section at my local supermarket, but one day I went to get some and some vandal had filled that bin with M&Ms. Sacrilege. Jots never returned and I have been in mourning ever since.
posted by elizilla at 2:19 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
No, it's just that you can't get malted milk balls at Halloween. You can only get Whoppers, which claim to be malted milk balls but are actually wax covered chalk. You have to wait for Easter to get the proper Brach's malted milk ball eggs.
Why have so many of Brach's candies disappeared, anyways? They used to make a Christmas version of the malted milk balls, but I haven't seen those in 20 years. And they used to make a candy called Jots, that looked like plain M&Ms but actually had tasty chocolate in them. They had Jots in the bulk section at my local supermarket, but one day I went to get some and some vandal had filled that bin with M&Ms. Sacrilege. Jots never returned and I have been in mourning ever since.
posted by elizilla at 2:19 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
1. Twizzlers (cherry)
2. Peppermint patties
3. Twizzlers (strawberry)
4. Andes mints
5. Everything else
posted by clorox at 5:46 PM on October 29, 2016
2. Peppermint patties
3. Twizzlers (strawberry)
4. Andes mints
5. Everything else
posted by clorox at 5:46 PM on October 29, 2016
While we're making list of candy opinions, I'd like to fold in my recent lost love: those promotional “Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans” that Jelly Belly used to sell. About half the “bad” ones were delicious to me, like grass or dirt. The dirt flavor was a really good imitation. I think.
posted by traveler_ at 5:47 PM on October 29, 2016
posted by traveler_ at 5:47 PM on October 29, 2016
I have two words for y'all, Pixie Stix.
Oh to be back to the days of licking this amazing powder out of the palm of my hand!!!
So when I was in high school, I was the person who did all the dares. On the way back from a track meet, someone dared me to snort a pixie stick while we were on the bus, like we had seen people snort drugs in movies. So, idiot that I was at 15, took a huge snort of a grape pixie stick (we didn't want to 'waste' the good flavors). To this day I can still remember that agonizing pain! It lasted for HOURS. Moral of the story is, don't ever do this!! Just eat that delicious sugary goodness.
posted by FireFountain at 6:39 PM on October 29, 2016
Oh to be back to the days of licking this amazing powder out of the palm of my hand!!!
So when I was in high school, I was the person who did all the dares. On the way back from a track meet, someone dared me to snort a pixie stick while we were on the bus, like we had seen people snort drugs in movies. So, idiot that I was at 15, took a huge snort of a grape pixie stick (we didn't want to 'waste' the good flavors). To this day I can still remember that agonizing pain! It lasted for HOURS. Moral of the story is, don't ever do this!! Just eat that delicious sugary goodness.
posted by FireFountain at 6:39 PM on October 29, 2016
In Canada, the US "Smarties" are called Rockets.
While true, I've also heard rock cocaine referred to as "Rockets" before... In Canada. I guess because they'll launch you to the moon? Blast off?
(Also gives new meaning to the song "Rocket Man" too I guess. And the movie "The Rocketeer")
Also kids, please listen to FireFountain: Don't snort pixie sticks.
edit: Also I guess being called a "Rocket Man" sounds far cooler than "Crack Head".
posted by some loser at 7:39 PM on October 29, 2016
While true, I've also heard rock cocaine referred to as "Rockets" before... In Canada. I guess because they'll launch you to the moon? Blast off?
(Also gives new meaning to the song "Rocket Man" too I guess. And the movie "The Rocketeer")
Also kids, please listen to FireFountain: Don't snort pixie sticks.
edit: Also I guess being called a "Rocket Man" sounds far cooler than "Crack Head".
posted by some loser at 7:39 PM on October 29, 2016
Scharffen Berger Sea Salt Bark
This sounds like something your mom makes you eat when you're constipated
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:28 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
This sounds like something your mom makes you eat when you're constipated
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:28 PM on October 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
nubs: Speaking of Canada-only horrible candies, I give you Kerr's Molasses Kisses, the bane of my trick-or-treat bag as a child. CBC Calgary tracked down the CEO this week to talk with her as their informal poll of favourite Halloween candies had them running dead last.
Kate Beaton on Twitter:
"Excited to give children these tonight, they will be the last candies they will eat but then they will admit they like them"
"The last candies they choose to eat out of their haul that is, not the last candies of life. Molasses based confections, every child's dream"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:12 AM on October 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Kate Beaton on Twitter:
"Excited to give children these tonight, they will be the last candies they will eat but then they will admit they like them"
"The last candies they choose to eat out of their haul that is, not the last candies of life. Molasses based confections, every child's dream"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:12 AM on October 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Raisins have only one purpose at Halloween: to be given to kids who come trick-or-treating, and are not in costume.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 9:34 AM on October 31, 2016
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 9:34 AM on October 31, 2016
Okay, so my office just had their Halloween party and it included tons of trick or treat candy. So I just found out that you can apparently now also get a single-serving Kit Kat (Possibly just a Kit).
There are literally no words for the outrage I am feeling right now.
Goddammit 2016. Are you planning to ruin everything?
posted by Mchelly at 10:40 AM on October 31, 2016
There are literally no words for the outrage I am feeling right now.
Goddammit 2016. Are you planning to ruin everything?
posted by Mchelly at 10:40 AM on October 31, 2016
Those aren't new to 2016, Mchelly. They've been around for a few years now. I agree that they are ridiculous.
Also this article has gotten popular enough that my radio station was talking about it. Although they pronounced it "v. o. x. dot com" - is it not just Vox that rhymes with Box?
posted by INFJ at 11:54 AM on October 31, 2016
Also this article has gotten popular enough that my radio station was talking about it. Although they pronounced it "v. o. x. dot com" - is it not just Vox that rhymes with Box?
posted by INFJ at 11:54 AM on October 31, 2016
is it not just Vox that rhymes with Box
Yep. As in "voice."
posted by holborne at 12:22 PM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yep. As in "voice."
posted by holborne at 12:22 PM on October 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Raisins, or Raisinets?
I don't see why we should bring gender into this.
posted by zamboni at 1:15 PM on October 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't see why we should bring gender into this.
posted by zamboni at 1:15 PM on October 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Sadly my kid only got one Kerr's molasses candies this year but I ate the hell out of it. So... screw you haters!
posted by Ashwagandha at 6:22 AM on November 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Ashwagandha at 6:22 AM on November 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am pleased to report that the kids got no molasses candy last night, but did score 3 full size chocolate bars.
My neighbourhood rocks.
posted by nubs at 8:00 AM on November 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
My neighbourhood rocks.
posted by nubs at 8:00 AM on November 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
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posted by louche mustachio at 9:49 AM on October 28, 2016 [38 favorites]