If You Don't Buy This Stock Photo, We'll Kill This Dog
July 8, 2017 8:58 AM   Subscribe

Dark Stock Photos is the Twitter account that Twitter truly deserves, with the absolute worst stock pic offerings from Getty, Shutterstock and others, featuring guns, knives, blood, alcohol, cocaine, suicide, anger, sadness and a David Cross lookalike with an inflatable sex doll. Something for all your nightmare needs.

title based on this picture, obviously inspired by this magazine cover.
posted by oneswellfoop (23 comments total) 36 users marked this as a favorite
 


I think that actually is David Cross.
posted by nathan_teske at 9:23 AM on July 8 [5 favorites]


I assumed the stock photo people never put out the money to hire real recognizable people. Lookalikes are more within budget.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:25 AM on July 8


I thought about posting this but apparently I have a reputation to maintain.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:59 AM on July 8 [10 favorites]




Well this is gonna be easier that us sharing links with the caption of "what the fuck, iStock?!?" on the work chat. One of the first results the other day when I went looking for "hard water" was a murder scene in a bathtub...
posted by azpenguin at 10:06 AM on July 8




I thought about posting this but apparently I have a reputation to maintain.
I thought about it myself and realized that it was perfectly consistent with my reputation (just ask the Mods about all my comments they've deleted recently).

I didn't realize at first how many 'hooded assailants' they have or else I've have included it in my list of tropes... but my favorite is what I call Mr. Guacamole Mask. Watch him slice your avocado toast!
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:24 AM on July 8 [1 favorite]


Huh, these are real. I thought that they were parodies that they're actually from the stock photo sites.
posted by octothorpe at 11:26 AM on July 8


Thank you.

This will pair beautifully with Nihilist Arby's and Black Metal Cats!
posted by monopas at 11:28 AM on July 8 [4 favorites]


Seems like a good place to shout-out /r/youdontsurf, a collection of absurd stock imagery with captions added to them to turn them into jokes. A lot of the humor is profane or inappropriate, so apologies for that, but when it's good it's awfully good.
posted by Nelson at 11:57 AM on July 8 [2 favorites]


It would be a fun project to go through all these and label them with their celebrity lookalikes. Budget Brad Pitt. Budget Hugh Jackman. Budget Olivia Wilde. Budget Andrew Napolitano.
posted by adamrice at 12:07 PM on July 8 [3 favorites]




Not sure if this one is in the sex category or the violence category.
posted by anothermug at 2:27 PM on July 8


I wonder if they'll get any with actual stock photo model John Boyega.
posted by ckape at 2:27 PM on July 8 [8 favorites]


What the hell is going on here?
posted by tully_monster at 3:11 PM on July 8 [2 favorites]


I had to look at that one for way too long to figure out that it's a guy driving and talking on the phone with the Grim Reaper riding shotgun.
posted by ernielundquist at 4:31 PM on July 8 [3 favorites]


I used to have a job where I used dozens of stock images a week. I wondered how far I'd have to scroll before I saw one I'd used.

Not far. July 3, the worker on the floor at the bottom of a ladder. The piece I used it for* was entitled "5 Things You Should Never Say to Your Husband." I had a word balloon pop on that said "You're doing it wrong!"

* I didn't write the piece, my job was to use & manipulate stock photos to make it funny.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 4:44 PM on July 8 [2 favorites]




GET OUT, MOM, THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU!
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:09 AM on July 9 [3 favorites]


I had to look at that one for way too long to figure out that it's a guy driving and talking on the phone with the Grim Reaper riding shotgun.

Ah, thanks. It does make immediate sense on a bigger screen.
posted by tully_monster at 6:59 AM on July 9


Bojack!
posted by allthinky at 6:36 PM on July 9




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