Orcs aren't known for their great cuisine
February 23, 2018 7:15 AM   Subscribe

 
Skyrim begs to differ with the FPP title.
posted by tobascodagama at 7:20 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


Of course elves eat kale chips.
posted by quaking fajita at 7:22 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


“Habanero peppers stuffed with smoked fish and olives” actually seems like a pretty dainty choice for orcs, though they are next to something that appears to be a dog chew.
posted by Artw at 7:23 AM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


Thanks to Peter Jackson it is now LOTR canon that orcs have been to a restaurant.

As a kid, I was always delighted by the idea of going out into the world with only bread and cheese, the way young heroes always did in fairy tales and fantasy. I was a picky kid and would have loved an excuse to eat nothing else. I probably still would.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:25 AM on February 23, 2018 [14 favorites]


Anyway, it’s fair to say Officer Jim Bright is going to be pretty ticked off when he hears about all this racism against orcs.
posted by Artw at 7:25 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


Do Drow have cows? Asking for a friend.
posted by Ashwagandha at 7:32 AM on February 23, 2018


white eyeless cave cattle
posted by Countess Elena at 7:33 AM on February 23, 2018 [9 favorites]


Wizard needs food badly
posted by The Whelk at 7:33 AM on February 23, 2018 [18 favorites]


Lost me at Muenster cheese. Yuck.
posted by Splunge at 7:51 AM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


Lost me at Muenster cheese. Yuck.

Heathen.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:53 AM on February 23, 2018 [4 favorites]


That looks a bit skimpy for halflings... unless it's just the first breakfast
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:56 AM on February 23, 2018 [7 favorites]


You know I always thought of Drow as raw food vegans.
posted by Ashwagandha at 7:59 AM on February 23, 2018 [5 favorites]


Also what are the coins for? Snacks for the druid's pet rust monster?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 8:00 AM on February 23, 2018 [3 favorites]


Dungeon vending machines.
posted by cobaltnine at 8:01 AM on February 23, 2018 [12 favorites]


As a kid, I was always delighted by the idea of going out into the world with only bread and cheese, the way young heroes always did in fairy tales and fantasy.

I have done this! Just for day hikes, but it is pretty fun.
posted by curious nu at 8:12 AM on February 23, 2018 [7 favorites]


Dwarf ration doesn’t have enough rat or ketchup.
posted by curious nu at 8:13 AM on February 23, 2018 [8 favorites]


After getting a few levels down you’ll just be living off is screamer slices and rat drumstick anyway.
posted by Artw at 8:18 AM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


Do Drow have cows?

Deep rothe.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 8:19 AM on February 23, 2018 [4 favorites]


The new Critical Role campaign has taught me that Tieflings like donuts and pickles, so there’s that.
posted by bibliowench at 8:21 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


As a kid, I was always delighted by the idea of going out into the world with only bread and cheese, the way young heroes always did in fairy tales and fantasy.

I absolutely pack food like this any time I'm traveling and not on an airplane. Food is usually a small boule or a couple of hard rolls, a decent cheddar, a dry-cured sausage, and an apple or a bunch of grapes. Creminelli actually sells little bags of mini sausages about the size of the first joint of my forefinger which eliminates the need to carry a knife if that's an issue.

I'll also bring a cider or a flask of red wine but I suppose that goes without saying.
posted by backseatpilot at 8:25 AM on February 23, 2018 [6 favorites]


My usual supplies for adventures are a cheese and/or ham baguette, a bag of crisps, a bar of chocolate and bottle of pop from the last shop before I leave civilization.

If I do make the effort I'm rather partial to banana and honey sandwiches.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 8:38 AM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


My ideal adventure party would be a group of orc foodies who are fighting their way through various mileua in order to sample different kinds of exotic-to-them food.
posted by Joey Michaels at 8:42 AM on February 23, 2018 [15 favorites]


I was always delighted by the idea of going out into the world with only bread and cheese

Add some pickle and/or some onions then you got a Ploughman's lunch. That's been my son's favorite meal since he was very little - though he swaps out the radish for the onion. When he's feeling blue or doesn't know what to eat that's his go to.

My ideal travelling food has always been a loaf cake (pound cake, British style gingerbread, banana bread or the like).
posted by Ashwagandha at 8:46 AM on February 23, 2018 [3 favorites]


Thanks to Peter Jackson it is now LOTR canon that orcs have been to a restaurant.

Orc Bae.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:54 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


My ideal adventure party would be a group of orc foodies who are fighting their way through various mileua in order to sample different kinds of exotic-to-them food.

They sit down in a tavern because they've heard it has really good stew but people won't stop trying to hire them for quests.
posted by tobascodagama at 9:12 AM on February 23, 2018 [20 favorites]


My ideal adventure party would be a group of orc foodies who are fighting their way through various mileua in order to sample different kinds of exotic-to-them food.

A Kotaku writer has published homebrew rules for cooking DND monsters.
Chefs hiding out in the Doomfridge would task players with cooking-related quests that required some combination of wit and might to accomplish, like finding the two biggest creatures available, leading them back to the arena, making them fight, and then cooking something fierce with the survivor. One mini-quest asked players to craft the best meal possible when locked in a room with only a dripping ceiling, a dirt floor, and some suits of armor (actually, a ceiling ooze, a buried Ankheg and suits of armor maneuvered by mollusks...) After defeating the monsters, the players assigned a fire elemental they had rescued to fry up the mollusks in scavenged animal fat. Earlier, they’d plucked some mushrooms and rosemary from a garden, which would pair nicely. Then, they diced the Ankheg and, using a fountain’s rosewater they’d stored, made a bisque, which they served quite creatively from inside the Ankheg’s gutted carcass.
posted by Iridic at 9:24 AM on February 23, 2018 [5 favorites]


For a Japanese take on this, might I suggest Delicious in Dungeon/Dungeon Meshi? In short, an adventurer party low on supplies joins with a wandering gourmet dwarf and turns their defeated foes into delicious looking meals.
posted by dragoon at 9:39 AM on February 23, 2018 [3 favorites]


What I would really want to know (apart from where do people source habanero peppers, paprika, pistachios and spices in the Realms) is how halflings manage to farm cattle that is roughly Indian elephant-sized to them.
posted by sukeban at 9:47 AM on February 23, 2018


I thought elves were vegans?
posted by danny the boy at 10:04 AM on February 23, 2018


I thought elves were vegans?

Not in Tolkien (several mentions of meat associated with elven feasts, as well as quite a bit of hunting, which doesn't seem to have been done purely for sport/conservation), and not in the most direct copies.

Flanderization tends to kick in a bit, leading to elves who are more likely to be hippies or vegans or just holier-than-thou environmentalists in some settings. In Glorantha, the elf-equivalents are actually plants.
posted by Four Ds at 10:17 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


how halflings manage to farm cattle that is roughly Indian elephant-sized to them

There are landraces of cattle that are quite small, such as the Dexter. I would assume that halfling cattle are somewhat like that.
posted by tavella at 10:32 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


I thought elves were vegans?

Not in Tolkien


The Elder Scrolls goes even further in the opposite direction with the Bosmer (Wood Elves) and the Green Pact.

For a Japanese take on this

I don't know if it's always been a thing or if it's an influence from the manga, but cooking monsters seems to be a surprisingly common theme in high-profile Japanese games lately. Both Final Fantasy XV and Monster Hunter World feature monster-cooking.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:23 AM on February 23, 2018


I want the drow lunch so freaking badly, that looks great
posted by a hat out of hell at 11:38 AM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


Skyrim begs to differ with the FPP title.

Skyrim also taught that if I find myself seriously wounded (say, after a bike accident), suffering multiple contusions and abrasions, then eating the forty-five cabbages I have been carrying around will fix me up in no time.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:56 AM on February 23, 2018 [9 favorites]


So this is the time to speak of an old d. 3.0 character, Sir Harvey the paladin. I decided to make him an 'acts, not words' Paladin, who spent a great degree of his loot on establishing soup kitchens and hospitals. He was also the party's cook. And needless to say, he tried to figure out useful recipes for every monster that the party slew.
By the end of the campaign, his most valuable item was his fabled recipe book, which included such goodies as:

Kraken salt and pepper calamari;
Tyrannosaurus Rex steaks in a giant bee honey glaze;
Hell hound ginger barbequed back ribs;
Roc omelets (serves a village).
Griffin a l'orange.

One of my all time faves as far as characters that I've played. Imagine Brendan Fraser as a paladin, with a prodigy for cooking, a complete incompetence at stealth and subterfuge, and the durability of an M1 Abrams tank.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 12:37 PM on February 23, 2018 [14 favorites]


Skyrim also taught that if I find myself seriously wounded (say, after a bike accident), suffering multiple contusions and abrasions, then eating the forty-five cabbages I have been carrying around will fix me up in no time.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:56 PM on February 23

Well it'll certainly give you something else to focus on.
posted by ZaphodB at 12:38 PM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


God I love this sort of thing. Turns out I'm either a halfling or a gnome.
posted by runincircles at 1:19 PM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


What I would really want to know (apart from where do people source habanero peppers, paprika, pistachios and spices in the Realms) is how halflings manage to farm cattle that is roughly Indian elephant-sized to them.

Bribing the cattle with jelly sandwiches can be remarkably effective.
posted by BYiro at 1:44 PM on February 23, 2018


For some reason, I imagine that orcs are masters of fermentation. I have no idea why that sticks in my head.
posted by Eikonaut at 2:04 PM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


They gave the halfling a pretty light portion and then put Luiren Spring Cheese in the elf's! Now there's a recipe for disaster.
posted by darksasami at 2:23 PM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


Countess Elena: "Thanks to Peter Jackson it is now LOTR canon that orcs have been to a restaurant."

[waves hand dismissively] The movies are NOT canon.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:50 PM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


Per the Hobbit book this is a universe that features mechanical clocks, pop-guns and express trains.
posted by Artw at 3:16 PM on February 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


They also play golf! I like to think the hobbits have independently invented the Arnold Palmer, too.
posted by Iridic at 3:20 PM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


... and express trains.

Wait, what? Well, I'll be.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:27 PM on February 23, 2018


Mmmm. The clock, fair enough. Train is only used as a simile, though, it's pretty obviously not something that exists in-universe.
posted by Chrysostom at 3:32 PM on February 23, 2018


Still sticks out like a sore thumb though.
posted by Artw at 3:49 PM on February 23, 2018


It's unclear how much of the anachronism in The Hobbit and LOTR is introduced by the translator, though. It is clearly stated in the appendices to Return of the King that liberties were taken by whoever took the stories from the original Red Book of Westmarch, such as the translation of Hobbit names (Frodo Baggins is actually Maura Labingi, etc.) Thus you get bits like this from The Hobbit, introducing Goblins, that could not have been in Bilbo's original manuscript:
It is not unlikely that they invented some of the machines that have since troubled the world, especially the ingenious devices for killing large numbers of people at once, for wheels and engines and explosives always delighted them.
posted by darksasami at 4:35 PM on February 23, 2018 [4 favorites]


This is where I post my Orcish teapots, right?
posted by novalis_dt at 8:39 PM on February 23, 2018 [9 favorites]


I had to supress a squee upon seeing your teapots. They are wonderful!
posted by Harald74 at 9:46 PM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]


They are! I sent your photos of them to a friend and she agrees!
posted by JHarris at 1:57 PM on February 24, 2018


For a Japanese take on this, might I suggest Delicious in Dungeon/Dungeon Meshi? In short, an adventurer party low on supplies joins with a wandering gourmet dwarf and turns their defeated foes into delicious looking meals.

TONDEMO SKILL DE ISEKAI HOUROU MESHI: "Oi, human. Can't you hear me? Let me eat that too."
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:52 PM on February 24, 2018


One mini-quest asked players to craft the best meal possible when locked in a room with only a dripping ceiling, a dirt floor, and some suits of armor (actually, a ceiling ooze, a buried Ankheg and suits of armor maneuvered by mollusks...)

"Although the judges loved the sauce you made from the ooze, your Ankheg was overcooked. For that reason, we had to chop you."
"Chef Tarandiel... you have been chopped."
[Ted Allen approaches Tarandiel, meat cleaver in hand.]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:32 AM on February 25, 2018 [1 favorite]


« Older Cocaine & Rhinestones   |   Walk in, ask questions, get out Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments