What does it cost to punch a Nazi?

September 6, 2018 12:09 PM

It costs about a dollar. A day after Heather Heyer was killed during the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville last year, the event's neo-Nazi organizer, Jason Kessler, held a stomach-turning press conference where he blamed her death on the cops. But as you might remember, Kessler was forced to cut his own press conference short after a protester bum-rushed the white supremacist and punched him in the head. On Tuesday, a jury decided that his punishment for punching a neo-Nazi would only amount to a paltry $1 fine, local NBC affiliate WVIR reports.
posted by GoblinHoney (59 comments total)

Like.
posted by Melismata at 12:10 PM on September 6, 2018 [12 favorites]

I would totally support a crowd fund to pay off that fine.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:11 PM on September 6, 2018 [30 favorites]

Hell, I'll kick in the whole dollar.
posted by holborne at 12:12 PM on September 6, 2018 [10 favorites]

$1/Neo-Nazi; $8/dozen.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:14 PM on September 6, 2018 [26 favorites]

Fine for assault & battery: $1
Punching a Nazi piece of shit in the face: Priceless
posted by tobascodagama at 12:15 PM on September 6, 2018 [45 favorites]

but what if there's like ... a hundred nazis? That's almost a full day's work at the local minimum wage.
posted by philip-random at 12:16 PM on September 6, 2018 [10 favorites]

Since then, he's busied himself by rattling off anti-semitic screeds online, only to have his dad yell at him in the middle of a recent livestream. According to the 34-year-old's dad, his son is currently living off and on with his grandmother, a housing situation Kessler has blamed on all the lawsuits he's dealing with.

Vice, do you have any idea how much you've brightened my day?
posted by haileris23 at 12:16 PM on September 6, 2018 [87 favorites]

I'm thinking it would be fun to claim it as a charitable donation.

"That item? Yeah, I totally donated twenty five cents to have someone punch a Nazi. What do you mean that's not deductible? That should have it's own form. Fascist."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:16 PM on September 6, 2018 [21 favorites]

$1, SAIT. Keep the change.
posted by arcticseal at 12:17 PM on September 6, 2018 [10 favorites]

I’ll buy that for a dollar…
posted by acb at 12:20 PM on September 6, 2018 [15 favorites]

So at this rate how much would it cost to punch all of the Nazis in the face? Can we crowdfund that? I'm thinking yes.
posted by loquacious at 12:21 PM on September 6, 2018 [9 favorites]

Super Mario coin sound for every punch
posted by Space Coyote at 12:23 PM on September 6, 2018 [70 favorites]

So at this rate how much would it cost to punch all of the Nazis in the face?

I would like to download this clicker game, please.
posted by The Bellman at 12:25 PM on September 6, 2018 [14 favorites]

Hell, I'll kick in the whole dollar Nazi.
posted by chavenet at 12:29 PM on September 6, 2018 [7 favorites]

So at this rate how much would it cost to punch all of the Nazis in the face?

I would like to download this clicker game, please.

You should do yourself a favour and play the two most recent Wolfenstein games. It's all about punching and killing Nazis and it's very enjoyable.
posted by Fizz at 12:30 PM on September 6, 2018 [10 favorites]

god i'll fund 100 nazi punches right now
posted by poffin boffin at 12:37 PM on September 6, 2018 [9 favorites]

I'd buy that for a dollar!
posted by Karmakaze at 12:37 PM on September 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

Now, if admission to the New Yorker Festival had included one free punch at Bannon...
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:40 PM on September 6, 2018 [7 favorites]

Still a dollar too much.
posted by vverse23 at 12:43 PM on September 6, 2018 [5 favorites]

shut-up-and-take-my-money.jpg
posted by numaner at 12:44 PM on September 6, 2018 [4 favorites]

Worth it.
posted by SansPoint at 12:47 PM on September 6, 2018

You're right, I did punch a million Nazis last year. I expect to punch a million Nazis this year. I expect to lose a million dollars *next* year. You know, Mr. Thatcher, at the rate of a million dollars a year, I'll have to stop punching Nazis in... 60 years.
posted by maxsparber at 12:49 PM on September 6, 2018 [25 favorites]

I would like to download this clicker game, please.

Damnit, I didn't need another project added to my backlog, but it's a damn good idea.
posted by isauteikisa at 12:56 PM on September 6, 2018 [4 favorites]

Now, if admission to the New Yorker Festival had included one free punch at Bannon...

...I'd have crowdfunded fifty tickets and a cestus.
posted by mephron at 1:00 PM on September 6, 2018 [4 favorites]

Let's say a friend of mine wants to punch a Nazi. How much for that?
I've got $10 in my wallet, let's make this happen.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 1:01 PM on September 6, 2018 [1 favorite]

The fine was $1 but he was still convicted of assault and battery. So now he may have to disclose this on job applications which will likely mean that his application will be discarded before anyone really looks at it. He may have difficulty obtaining travel visas or find himself turned away at the border of countries where a visa isn't normally required. Also, he may still have legal and court fees to pay.

So yeah, paying a token fine is a moral victory and makes a good story but this'll still have negative repercussions for him.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:01 PM on September 6, 2018 [55 favorites]

Here's a question: Is it $1 per Nazi, or $1 per punch? I mean, it's worth it either way, but I want to be able to maximize my Nazi-punching per dollar. If I've got $10, like Major Matt Mason Dixon, should I punch 10 Nazis and make it count, or just one Nazi ten times, or some other breakdown of Nazis and Punching?
posted by SansPoint at 1:03 PM on September 6, 2018

Damnit, I didn't need another project added to my backlog, but it's a damn good idea.

get some of the Wolfenstein devs to help, they clearly approve!
posted by numaner at 1:03 PM on September 6, 2018 [1 favorite]

Here's a question: Is it $1 per Nazi, or $1 per punch? I mean, it's worth it either way, but I want to be able to maximize my Nazi-punching per dollar.

in the clicker game, you have to balance between punching all the Nazis once, or punch one until they're "dead", and hiring more punchers that either punch harder or punch faster.

as a clicker game addict i want this so bad omg
posted by numaner at 1:05 PM on September 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

numaner: I'm all about a Nazi-Punching Clicker Game, though I do take issue with punching Nazis to death. I just want to punch them until they stop being Nazis. (One could argue about whether they won't stop until their dead, of course.) I just feel like dead people don't learn any lessons. Can we just punch them until they're in severe pain for the rest of their natural lives?
posted by SansPoint at 1:07 PM on September 6, 2018 [2 favorites]

i was in a hurry and couldn't think of a euphemism, so i put "dead" in quotes, but yes i agree, no death necessary

maybe punching them until they pass out and then their dad or mom come and drag them off screen, or until they rehabilitate. the former clears them off your screen faster, allowing you to advance, and you'll have an option to "special punch" the latter until they're no longer nazis, it would take longer but result in better pay off.

i'm also for punching them forever, but that's more of an endgame scenario, you gotta build up to that
posted by numaner at 1:13 PM on September 6, 2018 [2 favorites]

YOU GUYS AREN'T FACTORING IN OVERHEAD
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:15 PM on September 6, 2018 [4 favorites]

this is good
posted by SonInLawOfSam at 1:16 PM on September 6, 2018 [1 favorite]

YOU GUYS AREN'T FACTORING IN OVERHEAD

Stick to the left cross, doesn't leave you defenseless during the windup.
posted by RolandOfEld at 1:16 PM on September 6, 2018 [9 favorites]

I see this leading to a twisted variation on the ice-bucket challenge. People holding "punch a nazi" fundraisers.
posted by adamrice at 1:18 PM on September 6, 2018

i'm just waiting for the moment when tosh.0 punches a nazi on camera and then comedy central cancels his show, and we'll have reach the peak of good things
posted by numaner at 1:21 PM on September 6, 2018 [8 favorites]

i mean good things given the context of all the terrible things
posted by numaner at 1:22 PM on September 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

numaner: Oh, lord, I used to work at an office in Times Square, and every morning, I would get Stand-Up Comedy pushers asking me "Do you want to see Tosh.0?"

No. I do not want to see Tosh.0. I never have wanted to see Tosh.0. I never will want to see Tosh.0. STOP ASKING ME IF I WANT TO SEE TOSH.0!!!
posted by SansPoint at 1:33 PM on September 6, 2018 [10 favorites]

This would be a bargain at twice the price.
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 1:44 PM on September 6, 2018 [2 favorites]

That's right about on the mark.
posted by 7segment at 1:49 PM on September 6, 2018 [1 favorite]

You'd think that the fighting words doctrine would apply.
posted by clawsoon at 2:19 PM on September 6, 2018

Yeah, the Nazi in question was in the process of insulting a recently murdered woman, so Your Mileage May Vary if you punch a Nazi while they are shopping for groceries or something. I Am Not A Lawyer.
posted by RobotHero at 2:34 PM on September 6, 2018 [7 favorites]

Do you want to see Tosh.5? He's half off.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:41 PM on September 6, 2018 [4 favorites]

That is surprisingly more expensive than. I thought it was.
posted by East14thTaco at 2:46 PM on September 6, 2018

Games vs Nazis
Jam Fists Into Nazi Faces
posted by one for the books at 2:59 PM on September 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

Twenty bucks, same as in town.
posted by etherist at 3:08 PM on September 6, 2018 [1 favorite]

I am pleased with how quickly we included Tosh 2.0 in this discussion.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:05 PM on September 6, 2018 [2 favorites]

any portmanteau in a storm, it sounds from the article like his lawyer is going to talk with him about the option of a further appeal to overturn the guilty verdict.
posted by basalganglia at 4:14 PM on September 6, 2018 [4 favorites]

Wasn't Milo Yianopolis whinging about his financial troubles recently on Twitter? Here's a fundraising idea for him...
posted by peppermind at 6:45 PM on September 6, 2018 [7 favorites]

This is nice to hear.
Anyone still want to soapbox about how great mandatory minimum sentences are?
posted by AnhydrousLove at 7:05 PM on September 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

If I've got $10, like Major Matt Mason Dixon, should I punch 10 Nazis and make it count, or just one Nazi ten times

When there are many Nazis, give ten punches to the one who runs away from you the most slowly.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 8:59 PM on September 6, 2018 [1 favorite]

This sounds like a delightful fundraiser idea.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:11 PM on September 6, 2018

it sounds from the article like his lawyer is going to talk with him about the option of a further appeal to overturn the guilty verdict.

As a lawyer with more on my plate than I can handle at any given time and the knowledge that this guy probably can't pay me, I'd totally take this on as my pro bono good deed. It'll be years before that attorney has to pay for their own drinks.
posted by bile and syntax at 5:32 AM on September 7, 2018 [17 favorites]

I would punch a Nazi for free, and I am an old grandma but take a boxing class. Where can I sign up?
posted by mermayd at 6:07 AM on September 7, 2018 [9 favorites]

I'm imagining the trial playing out something like the classic Simpsons scene where everyone realizes that no one can honestly blame Sideshow Bob for trying to kill Selma:

Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?

[a few people raise their hands]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Be honest...

[everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty raising hers]

Patty: Ahhh, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

Who among us has not thought about punching a Nazi?
posted by orange swan at 3:42 PM on September 7, 2018 [6 favorites]

Punch a Nazi: $1

Kick a seagull that stole your cheeseburger: $124

A thieving seagull is worth 124 Nazis.

[via 538]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:04 PM on September 7, 2018 [7 favorites]

"[A]s carpenters we had the right to have axes and we said to ourselves, in this barrack for which we received the authorization to build, we could have the axes..."

- Yehuda Lerner, Sobibor, 14 Octobre 1943, 16 Heures

Transcript of the Shoah Interview with Yehuda Lerner

Side note: RIP Claude Lanzmann, metaphorical Nazi-puncher.

Yehuda Lerner, literal Nazi...chopper, is 92 years old.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:58 PM on September 7, 2018 [6 favorites]

A thieving seagull is worth 124 Nazis.

I'll vote for any candidate that makes this part of their platform.
posted by philip-random at 11:19 PM on September 7, 2018 [6 favorites]

You're right, I did punch a million Nazis last year. I expect to punch a million Nazis this year. I expect to lose a million dollars *next* year. You know, Mr. Thatcher, at the rate of a million dollars a year, I'll have to stop punching Nazis in... 60 years.

Hey, it's no trick to punch a lot of Nazis, if all you want is to punch a lot of Nazis.

A toast, then: to Nazi-punching on your own terms.

I think it would be fun to punch a Nazi.

Okay, I'll stop now.
posted by non canadian guy at 4:55 PM on September 8, 2018 [1 favorite]