No, wait, actually he is a dark elf, and...
December 24, 2018 7:57 PM Subscribe
So it turns out that Saint Nicholas discovered a foundling, long ago, and took him in and raised him as his servant. This guy is dressed in rags, carries a bag of ashes, and deals with the kids on Santa's naughty list...
No, wait, that's not it. Actually he is the Christianized version of the household elf or kobold, with the moral ambiguity stripped away...
No, here's the real deal. Santa happened upon an innkeeper, in the process of covering up his grisly crime...
Basically, the short version of it is that he is the evil opposite of Santa, he is the guy with the big club or bundle of pine branches who is going to beat the shit out of you for being a naughty girl or boy. When Santa has written you off, he hands you over to this guy.
WTF? If Santa is all love and goodness, why would he associate with a brutal monster?
No, wait, that's not it. Actually he is the Christianized version of the household elf or kobold, with the moral ambiguity stripped away...
No, here's the real deal. Santa happened upon an innkeeper, in the process of covering up his grisly crime...
Basically, the short version of it is that he is the evil opposite of Santa, he is the guy with the big club or bundle of pine branches who is going to beat the shit out of you for being a naughty girl or boy. When Santa has written you off, he hands you over to this guy.
WTF? If Santa is all love and goodness, why would he associate with a brutal monster?
If Santa is all love and goodness, why would he associate with a brutal monster?
Welcome to Christianity, in which God is all powerful and loves everyone, but if you don’t follow his rules his disgruntled ex-employee tortures you for all eternity.
posted by ejs at 8:27 PM on December 24, 2018 [40 favorites]
Welcome to Christianity, in which God is all powerful and loves everyone, but if you don’t follow his rules his disgruntled ex-employee tortures you for all eternity.
posted by ejs at 8:27 PM on December 24, 2018 [40 favorites]
Welcome to Christianity, in which God is all powerful and loves everyone, but if you don’t follow his rules his disgruntled ex-employee tortures you for all eternity.
Relevant Oglaf comic. (Warning: while this particular comic is fine, that site is wildly, deliberately NSFW.)
posted by mordax at 8:45 PM on December 24, 2018 [16 favorites]
Relevant Oglaf comic. (Warning: while this particular comic is fine, that site is wildly, deliberately NSFW.)
posted by mordax at 8:45 PM on December 24, 2018 [16 favorites]
> If Santa is all love and goodness, why would he associate with a brutal monster?
I have been kicking around some grumpy thoughts about Santa as an avatar of Capitalism taking over Christmas from Christianity (which totally moved Jesus’ birthday around to land around older Winter Solstice celebrations anyway) and Capitalism sure has a lot of sticks hiding behind its smiles. Not rich enough for Santa to bring you lots of toys? Knecht Ruprecht will stick you in his bag and take you off to a miserable life of making toys for the “good” children. They’ll feed you just enough to stay alive but not enough to grow up tall, healthy, and strong - welcome to elfhood, kids!
posted by egypturnash at 10:30 PM on December 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
I have been kicking around some grumpy thoughts about Santa as an avatar of Capitalism taking over Christmas from Christianity (which totally moved Jesus’ birthday around to land around older Winter Solstice celebrations anyway) and Capitalism sure has a lot of sticks hiding behind its smiles. Not rich enough for Santa to bring you lots of toys? Knecht Ruprecht will stick you in his bag and take you off to a miserable life of making toys for the “good” children. They’ll feed you just enough to stay alive but not enough to grow up tall, healthy, and strong - welcome to elfhood, kids!
posted by egypturnash at 10:30 PM on December 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
So that's where Kevin Spacey comes from.
posted by zaixfeep at 12:38 AM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by zaixfeep at 12:38 AM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
A friend of mine observed that Saint Nicholas’ entry on Wikipedia includes this: “One story tells how during a terrible famine, a malicious butcher lured three little children into his house, where he killed them, placing their remains in a barrel to cure, planning to sell them off as ham.[29][55] Nicholas, visiting the region to care for the hungry, saw through the butcher's lies[29][56] and resurrected the pickled children by making the Sign of the Cross.[29][56]”
Shamefully there is so little focus on Santa’s necromancy these days.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:56 AM on December 25, 2018 [14 favorites]
Shamefully there is so little focus on Santa’s necromancy these days.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:56 AM on December 25, 2018 [14 favorites]
>and resurrected the pickled children by making the Sign of the Cross.”
And then there were just pickle kids walking around? I feel like there really should be more to this story.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:25 AM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
And then there were just pickle kids walking around? I feel like there really should be more to this story.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:25 AM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
Pickled cut up kids unless St. Nicolas miraculously put tbem back together. Pretty sure he did. St. Nicolas was an interesting fellow.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 9:24 AM on December 25, 2018
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 9:24 AM on December 25, 2018
egypturnash, I was sad elsewhere about how St Nicholas brought dowries to poor girls but modern Santa Claus only brings big gifts to rich kids. Someone pointed out that it was a handy way to install the Just World Fallacy early, whether that's its purpose or not. Useful anywhere with fixed and unequal social statuses, whether capitalistic or not.
Reconstructed pickled kids is right in line with the Cantigas de Santa Maria I've heard, though more gruesome... dancing porkchops, minatorially tightening underwear, very vivid.
posted by clew at 1:19 PM on December 25, 2018
Reconstructed pickled kids is right in line with the Cantigas de Santa Maria I've heard, though more gruesome... dancing porkchops, minatorially tightening underwear, very vivid.
posted by clew at 1:19 PM on December 25, 2018
"And why do we eat ham on Christmas, Papa?"
"Why, there's an amusing story about that, children! Gather `round..."
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:47 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
"Why, there's an amusing story about that, children! Gather `round..."
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:47 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Knecht Ruprecht will stick you in his bag and take you off to a miserable life of making toys for the “good” children. They’ll feed you just enough to stay alive but not enough to grow up tall, healthy, and strong - welcome to elfhood, kids!
Santa's workshop is located in North Korea; NORAD taught me that.
posted by bluefly at 7:07 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
Santa's workshop is located in North Korea; NORAD taught me that.
posted by bluefly at 7:07 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
And then there were just pickle kids walking around? I feel like there really should be more to this story.
Don't worry...as long as they were Resurrected, that's the seventh-level version that brings them back fully healed. You're thinking of the inferior, fifth-level Raise Dead. You'd definitely need a Remove Pickling spell afterwards for that.
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 10:01 AM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
Don't worry...as long as they were Resurrected, that's the seventh-level version that brings them back fully healed. You're thinking of the inferior, fifth-level Raise Dead. You'd definitely need a Remove Pickling spell afterwards for that.
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 10:01 AM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
And then there were just pickle kids walking around? I feel like there really should be more to this story.
Some of my men are calling you "Solen'ya": The Pickle Man, an old wives tale. He crawls from bowls of cold soup to steal the dreams of wasteful children.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:25 PM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some of my men are calling you "Solen'ya": The Pickle Man, an old wives tale. He crawls from bowls of cold soup to steal the dreams of wasteful children.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:25 PM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
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posted by Meatbomb at 8:02 PM on December 24, 2018 [4 favorites]