Etiquette Guide for Surviving the Workplace for Autistic People of Color
February 11, 2019 10:20 AM Subscribe
"Even if debbie’s idea is the worst fucking idea in the history of the world and likely to end with global extinction, you say something like “this is a really great idea! bouncing off what debbie said [insert ur opinion that may or may not be actually bouncing off of debbie’s world ending idea]. Don’t say “omfg, debbie that is the worst idea in the history of ideas”. Or even anything close to it."
"Also? While I realize that some people believe that we should be ideologically pure in order to be super real radicals or whatever, this guide is about survival. The recommendations and discussion here is about keeping your job. That’s it. It isn’t about making you feel righteous or principled. Everyone will have a different stopping point, a boundary of compromises and bargains with power that they will not make. This is fine. What I really suggest is learning what that boundary is and applying as much of the guide as you can within that boundary. Do what you can live with."
"Also? While I realize that some people believe that we should be ideologically pure in order to be super real radicals or whatever, this guide is about survival. The recommendations and discussion here is about keeping your job. That’s it. It isn’t about making you feel righteous or principled. Everyone will have a different stopping point, a boundary of compromises and bargains with power that they will not make. This is fine. What I really suggest is learning what that boundary is and applying as much of the guide as you can within that boundary. Do what you can live with."
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble
This is what hit me: Understand that this is about survival and fuck ideological purity.
I need everyone I know to read this as they offer me "helpful" advice about my job struggles. "Why don't you just quit? You're so good at your job, I'm sure you could find another job, no problem" Ummm.... Yes. Problem. I am 47 years old, working in silicon valley where youth (and the low-cost of youth) is way more hire-able than experience (not to mention I'm not in a tech field). I'm lucky I've only gotten my hours cut and not outright laid off. I literally just want to survive and if I have to smile while eating the shit my job hands me to do it, well....
posted by dogmom at 10:44 AM on February 11, 2019 [17 favorites]
I need everyone I know to read this as they offer me "helpful" advice about my job struggles. "Why don't you just quit? You're so good at your job, I'm sure you could find another job, no problem" Ummm.... Yes. Problem. I am 47 years old, working in silicon valley where youth (and the low-cost of youth) is way more hire-able than experience (not to mention I'm not in a tech field). I'm lucky I've only gotten my hours cut and not outright laid off. I literally just want to survive and if I have to smile while eating the shit my job hands me to do it, well....
posted by dogmom at 10:44 AM on February 11, 2019 [17 favorites]
This morning during my therapy session, I started talking about how much I feel I'm masking. And too exhausted and consumed by having to mask every social interaction, there's not room for anything else. And there's actually a nice depression Big Pharma ad that co-opts that term to talk to (white) women with enough insurance to ask their doctor for a brand name anti-depressant.
And because I can't just use language that is helpful in describing my experience, I immediately fell into a pit of self-loathing that I was co-opting language from the autistic community.
But at the bottom of that is this recognition of how much people on the spectrum matter, and how much they can contribute to our understanding of the world and ourselves. And that every contribution society is able to notice is routinely not enough and that risks being exploitative rather than raising up their standing in the world.
(this entire comment could be a mad libs for many types of marginalization)
posted by politikitty at 12:17 PM on February 11, 2019 [3 favorites]
And because I can't just use language that is helpful in describing my experience, I immediately fell into a pit of self-loathing that I was co-opting language from the autistic community.
But at the bottom of that is this recognition of how much people on the spectrum matter, and how much they can contribute to our understanding of the world and ourselves. And that every contribution society is able to notice is routinely not enough and that risks being exploitative rather than raising up their standing in the world.
(this entire comment could be a mad libs for many types of marginalization)
posted by politikitty at 12:17 PM on February 11, 2019 [3 favorites]
I winced at this part: self-diagnosis is totally fine and legitimate... I've worked with a number of people who've self-diagnosed various conditions and, well, I'm a bit skeptical in some of those instances. I don't know that encouraging self-diagnosis of Autism or any other condition should be a thing.
I genuinely can't tell if this was intended as snark or as a sincere racist crap.
I suspect it's a reaction to the writer's experience of having white people tell them their food smells bad or that it's weird, whatever. Do we need to have the "not all white people" conversation?
I'm neither autistic (as far as I know) nor a person of color (I feel secure in this assessment), but a lot of this hit home for me anyway. Workplaces are kind of horrible for a lot of people in ways that this person has articulated.
Aside from wincing at the self-diagnosis thing, I think it's valuable for people - especially white people - to read this sort of thing to see just how other folks experience the world. Maybe it is or isn't 100% accurate, but it's worth reflection and consideration whether there are legit complaints and ways that we can make life more tolerable for other humans.
posted by jzb at 12:45 PM on February 11, 2019 [5 favorites]
I genuinely can't tell if this was intended as snark or as a sincere racist crap.
I suspect it's a reaction to the writer's experience of having white people tell them their food smells bad or that it's weird, whatever. Do we need to have the "not all white people" conversation?
I'm neither autistic (as far as I know) nor a person of color (I feel secure in this assessment), but a lot of this hit home for me anyway. Workplaces are kind of horrible for a lot of people in ways that this person has articulated.
Aside from wincing at the self-diagnosis thing, I think it's valuable for people - especially white people - to read this sort of thing to see just how other folks experience the world. Maybe it is or isn't 100% accurate, but it's worth reflection and consideration whether there are legit complaints and ways that we can make life more tolerable for other humans.
posted by jzb at 12:45 PM on February 11, 2019 [5 favorites]
I winced at this part: self-diagnosis is totally fine and legitimate... I've worked with a number of people who've self-diagnosed various conditions and, well, I'm a bit skeptical in some of those instances. I don't know that encouraging self-diagnosis of Autism or any other condition should be a thing.
Christ, I need to step away, but: autism diagnostic access is a complicated thing, with diagnosis being geared in many cases towards white boys and being much less likely for women and people of color, who also tend to be diagnosed later in life. Unfortunately, autism is most easy to diagnose in children, because adults develop coping mechanisms (some useful, some not) for the things they struggle with, and also because the social deficits that most people think about are things that can be consciously learned and practiced with age.
Adult diagnoses are generally time-consuming--many people will request that parents or other people who could observe the person being evaluated be consulted for perspectives--and very expensive, particularly since insurance will often not cover a diagnosis for the sake of self-knowledge. (They will, sometimes, in the aid of academic or other disability accommodation; however, see the piece itself for the well-known and frequently experienced backlashes that often hit people with any disability for demanding accommodation. Personally, I started getting the explicit lectures to never, ever disclose the need for any sort of accommodation or even that I was on the spectrum unless there was no other option within a year of diagnosis, age twelve.) And what accommodations can you reasonably seek as an adult, once you are no longer in school of some sort, without opening yourself up for that kind of backlash?
Personally, I have known three adults who did seek and pay for autism evaluations after self-diagnosing. In all cases, the diagnosing specialist delivered the diagnosis of, yep, autistic with a drawl of "Well, this isn't surprising you any, but..." They are in no way very different from people diagnosed in childhood, like me. People generally do not peg me if they don't have a lot of experience with autistic adults, particularly autistic women.
posted by sciatrix at 12:53 PM on February 11, 2019 [36 favorites]
Christ, I need to step away, but: autism diagnostic access is a complicated thing, with diagnosis being geared in many cases towards white boys and being much less likely for women and people of color, who also tend to be diagnosed later in life. Unfortunately, autism is most easy to diagnose in children, because adults develop coping mechanisms (some useful, some not) for the things they struggle with, and also because the social deficits that most people think about are things that can be consciously learned and practiced with age.
Adult diagnoses are generally time-consuming--many people will request that parents or other people who could observe the person being evaluated be consulted for perspectives--and very expensive, particularly since insurance will often not cover a diagnosis for the sake of self-knowledge. (They will, sometimes, in the aid of academic or other disability accommodation; however, see the piece itself for the well-known and frequently experienced backlashes that often hit people with any disability for demanding accommodation. Personally, I started getting the explicit lectures to never, ever disclose the need for any sort of accommodation or even that I was on the spectrum unless there was no other option within a year of diagnosis, age twelve.) And what accommodations can you reasonably seek as an adult, once you are no longer in school of some sort, without opening yourself up for that kind of backlash?
Personally, I have known three adults who did seek and pay for autism evaluations after self-diagnosing. In all cases, the diagnosing specialist delivered the diagnosis of, yep, autistic with a drawl of "Well, this isn't surprising you any, but..." They are in no way very different from people diagnosed in childhood, like me. People generally do not peg me if they don't have a lot of experience with autistic adults, particularly autistic women.
posted by sciatrix at 12:53 PM on February 11, 2019 [36 favorites]
Non-autistic people who have no stake whatsoever in the autistic community just don't get to have opinions about self-diagnosing.
Fair enough, I'll step back on that. I was more reacting to self-diagnosis in general and not specifically around Autism, as well as a few other things, but cheerfully withdrawn. I do not have a deep understanding of Autism / the Autistic Community and if the prevailing view is that self-diagnosis is actually valid then I got it deeply wrong. My apologies.
posted by jzb at 1:12 PM on February 11, 2019 [5 favorites]
Fair enough, I'll step back on that. I was more reacting to self-diagnosis in general and not specifically around Autism, as well as a few other things, but cheerfully withdrawn. I do not have a deep understanding of Autism / the Autistic Community and if the prevailing view is that self-diagnosis is actually valid then I got it deeply wrong. My apologies.
posted by jzb at 1:12 PM on February 11, 2019 [5 favorites]
Honestly, this person sounds extremely difficult to work with. Not because they're autistic, but because they're always assuming the worst of their coworkers. I've worked with allistic people who have that attitude, and it is toxic and exhausting.
It is possible to be cynical and clear-eyed without becoming so paranoid that you're constantly lying to your coworkers.
I feel like the advice would be more useful if framed more generously. E.g.:
It is possible to be cynical and clear-eyed without becoming so paranoid that you're constantly lying to your coworkers.
I feel like the advice would be more useful if framed more generously. E.g.:
- If in doubt, restrict your conversation to topics that are positive and not-too-personal. The social rules for what's appropriate to discuss at work are complicated, and it's safer to err on the side of polite, upbeat neutrality.
- Blunt, negative feedback is likely to be perceived as an attack on your coworker's competence, which makes it difficult for them to take your side. If you can frame your concerns as building on their work, rather than tearing it down, they are more likely to accept your critique.
- Some people respond badly to anyone they perceive to be not normal. It's deeply unfair, but you may find that you have more professional success if you downplay your autism and cultural difference. You may find that you need to be extra super positive and smiley to put your coworkers at ease.
- Part of your job is establishing friendly relationships with your coworkers. This is not the same as real friendship; it's much more superficial. Building up these relationships can be annoying, but it creates networks of trust and information sharing that are useful to you and to the organization as a whole. Beware: some of your coworkers may be selfish, thoughtless, or malicious, so don't share information about yourself that you wouldn't want to be common knowledge.
Aside from wincing at the self-diagnosis thing, I think it's valuable for people - especially white people - to read this sort of thing to see just how other folks experience the world. Maybe it is or isn't 100% accurate, but it's worth reflection and consideration whether there are legit complaints and ways that we can make life more tolerable for other humans.
Maybe abled white people should reflect on why they consistently feel the need to point out that something might not be “100% accurate” whenever disabled/poc people describe their lived experiences.
posted by joedan at 3:31 PM on February 11, 2019 [12 favorites]
Maybe abled white people should reflect on why they consistently feel the need to point out that something might not be “100% accurate” whenever disabled/poc people describe their lived experiences.
posted by joedan at 3:31 PM on February 11, 2019 [12 favorites]
Kilter, I suspect that you are not an autistic person of color. I'm an autistic white woman and have developed the skills and social capital to give my coworkers the benefit of the doubt. But lots of people don't have that opportunity, and clear rules are more helpful to many people with autism. (And tone policing marginalized groups isn't a good look.)
posted by metasarah at 4:07 PM on February 11, 2019 [19 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 4:07 PM on February 11, 2019 [19 favorites]
Mod note: Several comments deleted. Sorry, this supercedes my previous note because I was misreading, so I've deleted that. I've deleted a few things that were about how obnoxious the article is and how autistic people really need to ____. Folks, if your impulse is that your input is needed here to tell people with autism how it really is, I suggest you take a step back from that impulse.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 4:36 PM on February 11, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 4:36 PM on February 11, 2019 [9 favorites]
The pain the author conveys is heartbreaking. I've had the privilege of working with and managing some adults with autism. Once you have two way understanding and allow them to feel they belong, they are some of your most loyal and dedicated employees. I've learned it is incredibly hard to change jobs, even crappy jobs, as routine can be such an important cornerstone for many(of course this doesn't mean they can't be trailblazers and innovators!) Even if it feels like you cannot change jobs or career, I urge anyone experiencing the work world as the author does to take that risk!
In the USA, a manager must maintain confidentiality about personality tendencies that may indicate cognitive differences or disability to protect the individual. However, this can sometimes lead the person to feeling isolated or singled out as others on the team eventually learn or discover their tendencies in a negative situation. Managers need a lot more instruction and tools for how to build genuine trust with their reports that lead to deeper discussions about interpersonal communication and uniqueness. Frequently, they give up or write up the person rather than pushing through those barriers to see the real potential people with autism can have. Creating a climate where someone that is cognitively unique can be vulnerable and feel accepted is absolutely critical. Teaching technical things is often a goal of management but investing time in team dynamics will make the work 10x easier and faster.
I wish I could work alongside or have the author report to me in my workplace. She deserves to live like a professional or at least a respected human being.
Again, if you are reading this and connect deeply with the thread topic, please take that chance and at least look into the many services for helping those with autism integrate to the workforce. You may not find that perfect and magical job but having a sense of dignity in it should be your "must have" requirement.
posted by Muncle at 5:50 PM on February 11, 2019 [7 favorites]
In the USA, a manager must maintain confidentiality about personality tendencies that may indicate cognitive differences or disability to protect the individual. However, this can sometimes lead the person to feeling isolated or singled out as others on the team eventually learn or discover their tendencies in a negative situation. Managers need a lot more instruction and tools for how to build genuine trust with their reports that lead to deeper discussions about interpersonal communication and uniqueness. Frequently, they give up or write up the person rather than pushing through those barriers to see the real potential people with autism can have. Creating a climate where someone that is cognitively unique can be vulnerable and feel accepted is absolutely critical. Teaching technical things is often a goal of management but investing time in team dynamics will make the work 10x easier and faster.
I wish I could work alongside or have the author report to me in my workplace. She deserves to live like a professional or at least a respected human being.
Again, if you are reading this and connect deeply with the thread topic, please take that chance and at least look into the many services for helping those with autism integrate to the workforce. You may not find that perfect and magical job but having a sense of dignity in it should be your "must have" requirement.
posted by Muncle at 5:50 PM on February 11, 2019 [7 favorites]
More useful would be something that tells you how to determine which coworkers can be trusted. That would be valuable.)
Sure, let me know when you figure that out!
posted by bq at 11:07 AM on February 12, 2019
Sure, let me know when you figure that out!
posted by bq at 11:07 AM on February 12, 2019
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God, it hurts in such a relieving way to be told the reality of--all of this shit. It's such a good pain, just grappling with the realness of this kind of thing, stripped of all the optimistic gloss. Yes.
posted by sciatrix at 10:30 AM on February 11, 2019 [28 favorites]