"The public isn't in danger from the methed out squirrel"

June 29, 2019 8:19 PM

"I don't think he likes that shit." Other gems include the sheriff's quote, "Narcotics investigators arrested one man and are looking for another after they executed a search warrant Monday that yielded meth, drug paraphernalia, body armor, and a squirrel." Oh, also its name is "Deeznutz." How do you give a squirrel meth? What is the LDL50 of meth for a squirrel? "Authorities say there is no safe way to test methamphetamine."
posted by phlyingpenguin (24 comments total)

SO this was in this weeks (or last weeks don't @ me) Wait Wait Don't Tell me and they went *snerk* NUTS over this one. It was comedy gold.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:50 PM on June 29, 2019 [5 favorites]

"Authorities say there is no safe way to test methamphetamine."

This is missing a couple of key words to clarify that there is no way to test the squirrel for meth.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:53 PM on June 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

I guess philippe's birthday gift from todd was more of a pyrrhic victory, then
posted by Kybard at 8:58 PM on June 29, 2019 [15 favorites]

It seems likely that the squirrel wasn't on meth, and police abruptly releasing a domesticated squirrel into the wild is abusive to the animal.
posted by vegartanipla at 9:21 PM on June 29, 2019 [16 favorites]

Yeah of course, but "Police are shitty to living things" is like dog bites man level of news honestly. I am just here for Deeznutz.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:24 PM on June 29, 2019 [18 favorites]

MetaFilter: I am just here for Deeznutz.
posted by Fizz at 10:06 PM on June 29, 2019 [24 favorites]

Welp. Earned that one.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:06 PM on June 29, 2019 [9 favorites]

1) wait until squirrel pees
2) recover squirrel pee
3) proceed as if squirrel pee were human pee

Am I missing something? Or is the problem that 3) doesn't contain the word profit?
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 10:44 PM on June 29, 2019 [6 favorites]

2) recover squirrel pee

I now have an image of a scientist holding out a cup under an oak tree waiting and I am delighted.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:46 PM on June 29, 2019 [13 favorites]

I don't think I could tell the difference between a squirrel hopped up on meth and a squirrel hopped up on being a squirrel.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:00 PM on June 29, 2019 [54 favorites]

It made Stephen Colbert's Meanwhile slot too.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:40 AM on June 30, 2019 [1 favorite]

I imagine Fark.com ate this story up. One state too far north for their ever-popular Florida tag though.

Also wasn't this the plot of a Foamy the Squirrel episode?
posted by radwolf76 at 12:51 AM on June 30, 2019 [3 favorites]

One state too far north for their ever-popular Florida tag though.

Due to anthropogenic climate disruption, Florida is spreading north at a faster rate than scientists had previously predicted.
posted by otherchaz at 1:25 AM on June 30, 2019 [50 favorites]

one squirrel over the line. sorry.
this reminded me of the Mike Tyson thing about smoking toad venom
posted by DJZouke at 5:46 AM on June 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

I originally read that as "method squirrel" and had a mental image of a squirrel hunched on a stool reading a typewritten script.
posted by carter at 5:50 AM on June 30, 2019 [3 favorites]

I don't think I could tell the difference between a squirrel hopped up on meth and a squirrel hopped up on being a squirrel.

Well, the former will stockpile nuts for the winter, and the latter will stockpile stolen copper wiring and psuedoephedrine.
posted by loquacious at 6:09 AM on June 30, 2019 [22 favorites]

A friend told me about this last night but failed to mention the squirrel's name. I have texted to chastise him for this important oversight.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:42 AM on June 30, 2019 [6 favorites]

I'm very touched that Mickey Paulk was able to recover his squirreled-out squirrel upon returning to the scene and whistling for him. Love is love is love is love.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 7:19 AM on June 30, 2019 [5 favorites]

Thinking real hard on whether this unseats the famous People's Court clip as best Deez Nutz gag ever.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:35 AM on June 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

Well, the former will stockpile nuts for the winter, and the latter will stockpile stolen copper wiring and psuedoephedrine.


Err, yes, I did get that backwards due to posting before coffee but it's probably funnier that way.
posted by loquacious at 9:32 AM on June 30, 2019 [6 favorites]

Err, yes, I did get that backwards due to posting before coffee but it's probably funnier that way.

The former squirrel doesn't need pseudo because it already has meth.
posted by atoxyl at 11:30 AM on June 30, 2019

Well, the former will stockpile nuts for the winter, and the latter will stockpile stolen copper wiring and psuedoephedrine.

Damn, this is a cynical view of squirrels
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:50 PM on June 30, 2019 [4 favorites]

The former squirrel doesn't need pseudo because it already has meth.

How do you think it made the meth? I was going to list some more ingredients but after lithium batteries you're more than half way to a shopping list that'll get you in trouble.

Damn, this is a cynical view of squirrels

Cynical!? Have you ever even meet a squirrel? They're only slightly less evil than chickens!
posted by loquacious at 8:46 PM on June 30, 2019 [4 favorites]

Due to misreading "former" as "farmer," I've now got this running through my head:

Oh, the former and the latter should be friends,
The former and the latter should be friends...
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:33 AM on July 1, 2019 [1 favorite]