As you can see, making bagels is a huge pain in the ass
April 22, 2020 12:57 PM Subscribe
Henry Phillips conducts a masterclass on making authentic New York bagels. Perfect for these pandemic times when we're looking for distractions like baking things.
And if bagels aren't your cup of tea, he's got a whole youtube channel full of other recipes to help you make it through the night.
Edit: pasted the wrong link, fixed.
posted by smcameron at 1:19 PM on April 22, 2020 [4 favorites]
Edit: pasted the wrong link, fixed.
posted by smcameron at 1:19 PM on April 22, 2020 [4 favorites]
Let me offer an alternative to bagels - Bagel Bread. A whole loaf of bread with the texture of a bagel. No having to roll out dough for bagels, and it takes about 2.5 hours from start until out of the oven. It does not last long in my household.
It comes from this Cook's Country recipe - which is probably paywalled.
But here's a blog post with the recipe.
The blog post is correct; the original recipe was way too salty. If you're using the original recipe, cut it in half for the dough and the topping.
The blog post uses Trader Joe's "Everything Bagel Blend" for the topping. The original recipe uses 2 tsp each of poppy seeds, sesame seeds, dried onion flakes, dried minced garlic, and kosher salt. As that's too much salt, cut the salt in half to 1 tsp, and add 1/4 tsp to all the other toppings. The blog doesn't mention putting the topping on the sides and bottom of the loaf - after the pan is greased, add 2 tablespoons topping to pan and shake until bottom and sides of pan are evenly coated. Use the remaining 2 tablespoons of topping for the top of the loaf after you brush it with egg. Of course, you don't have to use an "everything" topping - you can use what you have at home, or skip the topping.
Another trick I do is instead of using slotted spoons to drop and manipulate the loaf in the water bath, is using silicone oven mitts as an easy way to put in and turn over the loaf during the boiling water bath.
posted by ShooBoo at 1:25 PM on April 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
It comes from this Cook's Country recipe - which is probably paywalled.
But here's a blog post with the recipe.
The blog post is correct; the original recipe was way too salty. If you're using the original recipe, cut it in half for the dough and the topping.
The blog post uses Trader Joe's "Everything Bagel Blend" for the topping. The original recipe uses 2 tsp each of poppy seeds, sesame seeds, dried onion flakes, dried minced garlic, and kosher salt. As that's too much salt, cut the salt in half to 1 tsp, and add 1/4 tsp to all the other toppings. The blog doesn't mention putting the topping on the sides and bottom of the loaf - after the pan is greased, add 2 tablespoons topping to pan and shake until bottom and sides of pan are evenly coated. Use the remaining 2 tablespoons of topping for the top of the loaf after you brush it with egg. Of course, you don't have to use an "everything" topping - you can use what you have at home, or skip the topping.
Another trick I do is instead of using slotted spoons to drop and manipulate the loaf in the water bath, is using silicone oven mitts as an easy way to put in and turn over the loaf during the boiling water bath.
posted by ShooBoo at 1:25 PM on April 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
Bagels are somewhat time consuming but less so than a lot of breads (I'm looking at you, baguettes...) We've made them two weekends so far and it has been definitely worth the effort. Also in this category: soft pretzels*
* Only advisable if you have a huge surplus of baking soda
posted by q*ben at 1:43 PM on April 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
* Only advisable if you have a huge surplus of baking soda
posted by q*ben at 1:43 PM on April 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
Thank you for this. Convenient for when one does not have Montreal bagels on hand.
posted by Ahmad Khani at 1:49 PM on April 22, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by Ahmad Khani at 1:49 PM on April 22, 2020 [5 favorites]
I can make a fairly tasty bagel. Not as good as I can get from the bagel place I like but nice enough.
However I can't make a pretty bagel too save my life. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, they look even when I form them but as soon as I pull them out of the boiling water they're misshapen and lumpy.
posted by sotonohito at 1:50 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
However I can't make a pretty bagel too save my life. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, they look even when I form them but as soon as I pull them out of the boiling water they're misshapen and lumpy.
posted by sotonohito at 1:50 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Making a bagel is like yoga if you just breathe and enjoy it. Why does everyone have to be so cynical and mean?
posted by lextex at 1:57 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by lextex at 1:57 PM on April 22, 2020
I got my first catering gig recently. They actually offered me a thousand dollars but I told them that I would do it for just fifty bucks.
Anyway, the next day the guy called me up and said my food tasted like shit. And I said well, ya know, what do you expect for only fifty bucks?
posted by Ahmad Khani at 1:58 PM on April 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
Anyway, the next day the guy called me up and said my food tasted like shit. And I said well, ya know, what do you expect for only fifty bucks?
posted by Ahmad Khani at 1:58 PM on April 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
I made Stella Parks’ (Bravetart) bagels last weekend and they were excellent and required minimal work, although they do require a strong food processor. I highly recommend (although mine were done in 20 mins; watch the bottoms!)
https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2017/01/homemade-bagels-recipe.html
posted by Fritzle at 2:00 PM on April 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2017/01/homemade-bagels-recipe.html
posted by Fritzle at 2:00 PM on April 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
The entire city of Montreal would like to offer this gentleman a hearty fuck you.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:16 PM on April 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 2:16 PM on April 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
I don't doubt he makes a great bagel but he really should have skipped the ignorant bullshit about water at the beginning. NYC does have great water and that is because it very soft, which is the opposite of being laden with "thorine" etc. Stick to what you know instead of repeating pseudoscience like some antivax flat earther moron.
posted by exogenous at 2:18 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by exogenous at 2:18 PM on April 22, 2020
You sure you watched the whole video?
posted by Ahmad Khani at 2:22 PM on April 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by Ahmad Khani at 2:22 PM on April 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
And I just skipped ahead to see if the whole thing was satire. Was it? I can't even tell anymore.
posted by exogenous at 2:22 PM on April 22, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by exogenous at 2:22 PM on April 22, 2020 [5 favorites]
Stick to what you know instead of repeating pseudoscience like some antivax flat earther moron.
He's playing a character. It is very well done satire. Chill.
posted by Philipschall at 2:23 PM on April 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
He's playing a character. It is very well done satire. Chill.
posted by Philipschall at 2:23 PM on April 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
My mistake to assume satire would be funny.
posted by exogenous at 2:25 PM on April 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by exogenous at 2:25 PM on April 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
I made his Isolation Cupboard Casserole last night and, while a bit heavy on the pumpkin puree, it was delicious
posted by Ahmad Khani at 2:25 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by Ahmad Khani at 2:25 PM on April 22, 2020
No, I didn't watch the whole video. I gave up after the first bit of stupid. If it was supposed to be satirically stupid, it should have been more obvious up front.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:25 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by jacquilynne at 2:25 PM on April 22, 2020
Sorry, but why settle for NY bagels when you can actually make really good bagels
posted by bluefrog at 2:30 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by bluefrog at 2:30 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Thank you for making me laugh out loud. His masterclass on green onions is also great.
posted by hampanda at 2:34 PM on April 22, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by hampanda at 2:34 PM on April 22, 2020 [5 favorites]
The only bagel video I need is Jennifer Garner making bagels. (And reading them a story as they bake!)
This is actually the second time today I have posted this video. I really miss bagels now.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 2:41 PM on April 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
This is actually the second time today I have posted this video. I really miss bagels now.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 2:41 PM on April 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
I loved the bit where he put a bunch of flour into a bowl and stirred it without adding anything.
posted by acidnova at 2:46 PM on April 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by acidnova at 2:46 PM on April 22, 2020 [7 favorites]
The bagels lined up on the bagel stick at the end were inspiring.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:48 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by betweenthebars at 2:48 PM on April 22, 2020
You know, the New York bagel is the only one that has holes in it…
posted by Ahmad Khani at 2:58 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by Ahmad Khani at 2:58 PM on April 22, 2020
"I loved the bit where he put a bunch of flour into a bowl and stirred it without adding anything."
That doesn't seem too weird to me? I sometimes do it myself to break up any clumps.
posted by tavella at 3:01 PM on April 22, 2020
That doesn't seem too weird to me? I sometimes do it myself to break up any clumps.
posted by tavella at 3:01 PM on April 22, 2020
The entire city of Montreal would like to offer this gentleman a hearty fuck you.
So would New York. This is an amazing video.
posted by zsazsa at 3:03 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
So would New York. This is an amazing video.
posted by zsazsa at 3:03 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
I was one of the people who was like "Wait... can't tell if kidding or serious" so I watched some of his other stuff and really enjoyed You And Your Fucking Coffee.
posted by jessamyn at 3:05 PM on April 22, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 3:05 PM on April 22, 2020 [8 favorites]
I like the part where he says that you must use New York water for the chemicals, then wets up the dough with a nearby bottle of spring water.
But everyone knows you can't make bagels at home because you immediately eat the entire batch as soon as they're out of the oven. Oh, just me? OK then.
(I'd even eat the ones he made. I don't care.)
posted by klanawa at 3:11 PM on April 22, 2020
But everyone knows you can't make bagels at home because you immediately eat the entire batch as soon as they're out of the oven. Oh, just me? OK then.
(I'd even eat the ones he made. I don't care.)
posted by klanawa at 3:11 PM on April 22, 2020
fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit: "The only bagel video I need is Jennifer Garner making bagels"
Jennifer Garner's bagels have a fever of 195º, they may have the virus!
posted by chavenet at 3:14 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Jennifer Garner's bagels have a fever of 195º, they may have the virus!
posted by chavenet at 3:14 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Is this guy stoned AF while doing this video? There’s the chemical bullshit, the overly awkward yet careful movements and the huge discomfort in front of the camera that leads me to think he got hold of some NY dank before he made this.
If you can’t do better than Claire Saffitz, get out of the kitchen.
posted by drivingmenuts at 3:15 PM on April 22, 2020
If you can’t do better than Claire Saffitz, get out of the kitchen.
posted by drivingmenuts at 3:15 PM on April 22, 2020
I had a stroke watching him measure flour. My eyes tried to kill my brain before it understood what this guy was doing out of mercy.
posted by GuyZero at 3:19 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by GuyZero at 3:19 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
OK, I don’t mean to pick, but “ I don't doubt he makes a great bagel but...” is just completely hilarious. The juxtaposition is brilliant and I am totally going to steal this line in the future while dealing with certain people. Word for word. This was the comment I needed most today, and I genuinely thank you for it (this is not sarcasm, I am not joking, I am entirely serious).
posted by aramaic at 3:30 PM on April 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by aramaic at 3:30 PM on April 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
I loved the bit where he put a bunch of flour into a bowl and stirred it without adding anything
And with that little fork.
posted by waving at 3:43 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Heh.
"The reason's actually because of the [NY municipal] water...."
Then, around 2:20:
"I usually like to have some bottled water nearby..."
*dumps in bottled water*
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:45 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
"The reason's actually because of the [NY municipal] water...."
Then, around 2:20:
"I usually like to have some bottled water nearby..."
*dumps in bottled water*
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:45 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
His masterclass on green onions is also great.
I'm about to watch that. Just watched Mastering Your Quinoa, which was pretty good.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:00 PM on April 22, 2020
I'm about to watch that. Just watched Mastering Your Quinoa, which was pretty good.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:00 PM on April 22, 2020
As you can see, making bagels is a huge pain in the ass
There's a reason why there's an old Yiddish curse that translates as “Go to Hell and bake bagels”.
posted by acb at 4:09 PM on April 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
There's a reason why there's an old Yiddish curse that translates as “Go to Hell and bake bagels”.
posted by acb at 4:09 PM on April 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you hadn't noticed, this is the guy in the data center on Silicon Valley.
posted by smcameron at 5:22 PM on April 22, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by smcameron at 5:22 PM on April 22, 2020 [4 favorites]
huh.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 5:58 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 5:58 PM on April 22, 2020
If you like the cognitive dissonance of 'is this a joke or not' videos, my favorite of the genre are these gin reviews.
posted by soy bean at 6:08 PM on April 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by soy bean at 6:08 PM on April 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
Ichiban Moto is the king of "wtf?! is this guy joking or serious?!" hilarity. Here he shows you how to fabricate your own baad aaass brat style seat for your custom motorycycle
posted by NoMich at 7:27 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by NoMich at 7:27 PM on April 22, 2020
I will also say, if this if your first encounter with Henry Philips, maybe this is not the best intro. It seems to assume a certain familiarity. There's the music for instance. Some of the earlier stuff is more accessible, like, Henry's anytime chili for one, but... they're all kind of like that. Maybe it's one of those "you get it or you don't" things.
Edit: also, previously: 1, 2.
posted by smcameron at 7:32 PM on April 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
Edit: also, previously: 1, 2.
posted by smcameron at 7:32 PM on April 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
It was actually painful watching him measure the flour. This is fantastic!
posted by sotonohito at 8:08 PM on April 22, 2020
posted by sotonohito at 8:08 PM on April 22, 2020
It was actually painful watching him measure the flour. This is fantastic!
Wait'll you see what he does with the quinoa.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:37 PM on April 22, 2020
Wait'll you see what he does with the quinoa.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:37 PM on April 22, 2020
His sushi/match.com date video is, to me, hilarious.
posted by AugustWest at 11:15 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 11:15 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm really enjoying these. The dryest of humor. The reason I like it is bec- [abrupt edit]
posted by acidnova at 11:30 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by acidnova at 11:30 PM on April 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
If it was supposed to be satirically stupid, it should have been more obvious up front.
So, if it's satire, it has to be so over-the-top that nobody could ever mistake it for not being satire? That kinda misses the point. In any case, it's pretty obvious that this is satire.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 11:00 AM on April 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
So, if it's satire, it has to be so over-the-top that nobody could ever mistake it for not being satire? That kinda misses the point. In any case, it's pretty obvious that this is satire.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 11:00 AM on April 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
So, if it's satire, it has to be so over-the-top that nobody could ever mistake it for not being satire?
Poe's law is an adage of Internet culture stating that, without a clear indicator of the author's intent, it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the views being parodied.
posted by Lexica at 12:57 PM on April 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
Poe's law is an adage of Internet culture stating that, without a clear indicator of the author's intent, it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the views being parodied.
posted by Lexica at 12:57 PM on April 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm huge Henry Phillips, fan so I was well prepared for where this was going. I also knew that someone would bring up Montreal bagels in the comments.
I thought this was hilarious, but it is definitely one of his subtler videos. I'm not surprised that some viewers were put off of it early. The Green Onions video (also linked above) is a better intro, in my opinion.
I hope some of you will give him another chance.
posted by Anoplura at 12:59 PM on April 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
I thought this was hilarious, but it is definitely one of his subtler videos. I'm not surprised that some viewers were put off of it early. The Green Onions video (also linked above) is a better intro, in my opinion.
I hope some of you will give him another chance.
posted by Anoplura at 12:59 PM on April 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
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