"Who lives in a pineapple at 30 yards?"

December 15, 2020 4:40 PM

With a number of issues both recent (the injury and illness decimated 2020 season) and ongoing (the CTE scandal), the NFL has seen its younger viewer base decline. So in an attempt to get more young fans watching, the NFL is going to hand over the broadcast of a wild card game...to Nickelodeon.

This isn't just some "oh, we'll throw up some orange graphics" move either:

End zones will be filled with superimposed slime during next month’s NFL Wild Card game telecast on Nickelodeon. Additionally, when a player mugs for the camera following a big play, cartoonish googly eyes -- or some other Snapchat-type of filter -- will be superimposed onto him during replays.

Noah Eagle will call the game in the Nickelodeon booth, with CBS’ Nate Burleson and Nickelodeon’s Gabrielle Nevaeh providing analysis. Nick’s Lex Lumpkin will be the sideline reporter. Nick’s pregame show will be “The SpongeBob SportsPants Countdown Special” hosted by Broncos LB Von Miller. The halftime show will be a sneak peek of “Kamp Koral: SpongeBob’s Under Years,” which debuts on Nick later in the year. After a touchdown, the Nickelodeon telecast will cut to an animated SpongeBob and his friend Patrick screaming “Touchdown!”

posted by NoxAeternum (47 comments total)

This is going to be an amazing trainwreck. It doesn't matter that this will just be on Nick - the football purists are going to lose their mind over this being done at all.
posted by NoxAeternum at 4:42 PM on December 15, 2020 [22 favorites]

I don't think this should be shown to kids, but I do want this to be available for me to watch.
posted by sagc at 4:43 PM on December 15, 2020 [20 favorites]

I'm simultaneously intrigued and will guarantee it will be technicolor awful.
posted by drewbage1847 at 4:47 PM on December 15, 2020 [3 favorites]

CBS Sports has a trailer for the game on Twitter showing the graphics they will be using.

This will be glorious.
posted by NoxAeternum at 4:47 PM on December 15, 2020 [8 favorites]

Weird. Traditionally the Bengals or Texans play in the worst wild card game at 1:00 on Saturday on CBS, but neither team will make the playoffs this year!
posted by Huffy Puffy at 4:52 PM on December 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

With luck, it will be the game with the NFC East (aka the dumpster fire division) champion.
posted by NoxAeternum at 4:57 PM on December 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

Super Bowl 2019 halftime show: SpongeBob SquarePants makes a brief appearance

Fans had been hoping or maybe even expecting that Maroon 5 would play Sweet Victory, a song SpongeBob performs with a marching band at the Bubble Bowl -- the underwater equivalent of the Super Bowl that appeared in the show's second season. An online petition for the song had also helped build up expectations.

Instead, a brief clip of Squidward, SpongeBob and pals from that performance were shown on the big screen at Atlanta's Mercedes-Benz stadium during halftime.

This hasn't come out of the blue. Children who grew up with Spongebob, now young adults in the age demographic that would watch the superb owl, were mourning the loss of Stephen Hillenburg, creator of Spongebob. They started a petition to have Sweet Victory played at the superb owl in honor of his memory, and the NFL acquiesced.

The expectation was that it would be given the full grand scale production values and performance expected of a superb owl half time show. Instead, they got a five second clip. People were upset, it was seen as a dismissive half-hearted gesture to Stephen's legacy, Spongebob, and the fan's nostalgia for their childhood. It was a huge mistake to say they would do something, and then barely do anything. Nothing at all would have been better. It was a huge disappointment.

So there's the back story. Strange that it's not mentioned in this article, but I believe that's why they've decided to work closely with Nickelodeon.
posted by adept256 at 5:17 PM on December 15, 2020 [2 favorites]

Still less stupid than the XFL.
posted by SansPoint at 5:19 PM on December 15, 2020 [7 favorites]

I don't care if my son watches and enjoys. I will not sign the forms to let him play football. Not for the Pop Warner league. Not in middle school. Not in high school.

The NFL is dead. It just hasn't stopped moving yet.
posted by ocschwar at 5:34 PM on December 15, 2020 [16 favorites]

Just showed this to my roommate, and he is right now opining about what a bad idea it is. "This is like the Cats of football!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:39 PM on December 15, 2020 [11 favorites]

Also, the Super Bowl half-time show will now be the main event and the game will be a 15-minute break in the middle while they change out the stage. Also, also, the game will now be the Puppy Bowl.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:50 PM on December 15, 2020 [4 favorites]

Haha, my favorite review of Cats was a simple three words, 'something went wrong'. This certainly has that potential.
posted by adept256 at 5:50 PM on December 15, 2020 [4 favorites]

This does not at all sound like a Tobacco company targeting children.

Tom Brady should lead a halftime workshop to show kids how to deflate footballs.
posted by mundo at 6:01 PM on December 15, 2020 [7 favorites]

Hmm.

I may have to prepare the edibles for this.
posted by MillMan at 6:05 PM on December 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

17776 was too conservative.
posted by phooky at 6:08 PM on December 15, 2020 [16 favorites]

You know what, it’s pandemic times so why not. Sports aren’t normal right now. I am looking forward to the inevitable Arby’s Bowl, which will feature a BBQB, along with a field of Horsey Sauce.
posted by hijinx at 6:32 PM on December 15, 2020 [2 favorites]

how do you do fellow kids
posted by mhoye at 6:39 PM on December 15, 2020 [15 favorites]

They can do “You Can’t Do That On Televsion” locker jokes in an actual locker room.
posted by dr_dank at 6:44 PM on December 15, 2020 [9 favorites]

Oh yeah this is a great idea. When I was a kid I always loved it when my dad would rush in and jack the the tv in the middle of some show I was watching for a dumb CFL game.
posted by rodlymight at 6:45 PM on December 15, 2020

MUSIC⚡BAND
posted by adept256 at 6:59 PM on December 15, 2020 [6 favorites]

I am looking forward to the inevitable Arby’s Bowl, which will feature a BBQB, along with a field of Horsey Sauce.

It’s not on the schedule yet, but this season we’ll have the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the Cheez-It Bowl, and the Duke’s Mayo Bowl.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 7:09 PM on December 15, 2020

I may be currently drunk wasted, but this seems like a lol awesome idea. The only drawback of course being CTE, which is never funny nor awesome.
posted by riverlife at 7:36 PM on December 15, 2020 [2 favorites]

This year continues to feel like it was written by a high school student who wants to show off what they've learned about satire and parody but wasn't really paying attention when the teacher pointed out the importance of subtlety.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:17 PM on December 15, 2020 [9 favorites]

(Also, am I the only one bothered by the idea of Patrick and Spongebob dancing around and cheering when a touchdown is scored? Neither of them strike me as football fans - Gary, sure, but not Patrick and Spongebob...)
posted by DingoMutt at 8:20 PM on December 15, 2020

This all seems almost 30 years too late... hmmm. Well, good luck to them
posted by JoeXIII007 at 8:41 PM on December 15, 2020

I mean...I wonder what the plan is if a receiver goes over the middle and gets concussed and is lying there, motionless. Or another Alex Smith/Joe Theisman injury happens. Cutting to a Double Dare Physical Challenge clip?
posted by stevis23 at 8:51 PM on December 15, 2020 [5 favorites]

Once we get past whether this is good, bad, or irrelevant.. It all comes down to keeping minds occupied and eyeballs on the screen. He said as he typed the words you're reading on the screen.

Go walk your dog.
posted by elkevelvet at 9:59 PM on December 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

Not just young viewers. Dudes in their 40s&50s have stopped watching because they feel like it's morally shady to watch the modern equivalent of gladiators dying for entertainment.

Lot of parents not wanting their kids to play anymore, but as long as it's a way to make money and get scholarships someone will always be playing.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:03 PM on December 15, 2020

Neither of them strike me as football fans - Gary, sure, but not Patrick and Spongebob...

Patrick's VA was previously the chowderhead assistant on the college football TV sitcom Coach. So I think he'd fit in just fine.
posted by NoxAeternum at 10:24 PM on December 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

Are they going to have all kinds of military recruiting shit still in there?
posted by benzenedream at 11:08 PM on December 15, 2020 [5 favorites]

the football purists are going to lose their mind over this being done at all

I don’t disagree, but if I read the article right the same game is also being shown on CBS without the Nickelodeon graphics, and the purists can presumably watch it there instead.
posted by Ian A.T. at 1:20 AM on December 16, 2020 [3 favorites]

The very act of existing will set the purists off.
posted by NoxAeternum at 2:26 AM on December 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

This is peak something. Not sure what. But peak something.
posted by signal at 5:15 AM on December 16, 2020 [4 favorites]

So like Joe Camel, but for CTE instead of nicotine.
posted by the painkiller at 5:59 AM on December 16, 2020 [9 favorites]

"Note: Roger Goodell died on the way back to his home planet."
posted by tonycpsu at 6:17 AM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]

I hope they superimpose the halo of birds-and-stars around a player’s head when he gets knocked out.
posted by Ampersand692 at 6:59 AM on December 16, 2020 [10 favorites]

I really need this game to be the Wildcard game between the 6-10 NFC East winner and whatever 11-5 wildcard team is coming to town with a big angry chip on their shoulder because of the league's stupid seeding rules. It'll be, like, 38-3 at the half, so all the diehards will have turned the game off in disgust, and Nickelodeon can just go nuts with SpongeBob dancing in the endzone.
posted by Mayor West at 7:15 AM on December 16, 2020

I hope they superimpose the halo of birds-and-stars around a player’s head when he gets knocked out.

This would be a lot funnier if it wasn't monstrous.
posted by mhoye at 7:17 AM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]

Yeah, I think the whole thing is pretty grotesque, which I guess wasn't 100% clear from the joke.

I do wonder what Nickelodeon is going to do if a player gets seriously hurt. I assume the super-slo-mo replays of exactly how he got hurt aren't going to be shown, but who knows.
posted by Ampersand692 at 7:45 AM on December 16, 2020

blaseball on the internet! televised flootball games on a children's cable network! truly we are in a golden age for splorts!
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 8:13 AM on December 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

Mostly that trailer of the show makes my brain overload, but I do like the part of the trailer where they do blocky / minecraft type graphics - that would be kind of a fun add, but it does "sanitize" the tackles and any injuries and the violence and head trauma issues mentioned above etc.

Are they actually doing this live or with some delay? If it's truly live I'm sure there be all sorts of weird errors (like Googly eyes appearing on the wrong parts of the body like butts or on chests etc., "speed" clouds being applied to static players looking like fart clouds, etc.)
posted by inflatablekiwi at 8:57 AM on December 16, 2020

"speed" clouds being applied to static players looking like fart clouds

This is the opposite of a problem
posted by saturday_morning at 9:58 AM on December 16, 2020 [4 favorites]

This is, by a wide margin, the most absurd thing I've heard all year. And yes, I'm aware it's still 2020.
posted by Arson Lupine at 11:40 AM on December 16, 2020

Well, this is from an organization that thought having Dennis Miller as an announcer would be a good idea, so go figure.
posted by Melismata at 11:55 AM on December 16, 2020

I think it's an intriguing idea, it'll be interesting to see how it plays out, and whether it impresses the intended audience or whether the surreal context appeals to older viewers....

As for comments about purists... I'm hoping the commentators play it "straight", especially as some of these graphics would work particularly well with "next-gen stats".
posted by DancingYear at 3:47 PM on December 16, 2020

The Bears and the Saints are the "lucky" recipients of the Nick broadcast.
posted by NoxAeternum at 4:52 PM on January 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

Made it to the second quarter before Cordarelle Patterson became the first person to say “fuck” on Nickelodeon.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 4:23 PM on January 10, 2021 [3 favorites]