Flatulence Must Be Taken Into Account

April 1, 2022 5:56 AM

Many movies have coughs and sneezes in them. Some win the Academy Award for Best Picture. Is there a connection? The mainstream statistical hegemony says “no,” but our research suggests otherwise. We have created a model capable of predicting a Best Picture winner based on the number of coughs and sneezes in nominated films. This allows us not only to predict this year’s winner with 91.7% accuracy, but also to determine that Viggo Mortensen will be cast as Batman at some point in the future. from Chalamet Coughs, Dune Wins: Predicting Best Picture Winners Using Coughs and Sneezes
posted by chavenet (23 comments total)

I mean, who hasn't wondered what happens when you fart in a stillsuit? Does your butt get big? Do you get a ripple going down your legs and your ankles bulge while it vents out the boot slits?
posted by bonehead at 6:39 AM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]

Next time someone asks me for my dataset, I will simply say "IP rights. 1st Amendment. Wright brothers." And walk away.
posted by johnxlibris at 6:52 AM on April 1, 2022 [4 favorites]

See Also Spurious Correlations
posted by lalochezia at 6:53 AM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]

You can tell this research is authoritative because it's published in Computer Modern Roman, aka "the TeX font". Or rather a janky web version where the numerals are all different heights. Far from being a mistake this presentation is a shibboleth, an indication the author is well versed in 44 year old typesetting software and therefore is an expert in all things.
posted by Nelson at 6:55 AM on April 1, 2022 [11 favorites]

Here it is, my first reminder that it's April 1st and you have to be extra cautious about what you see on the internet.

With that said, this is the best kind of April Fool's gag (if that's what it is): tongue-in-cheek, hurts no-one, fun to imagine that it was real.
posted by Drowsy Philosopher at 7:00 AM on April 1, 2022 [6 favorites]

I wish more papers provided this level of insight into the process:

We occasionally supplement this approach with human analysis of films, but depend on it less following the indignant resignation of our postdoctoral fellow.

…

We prefer subtitles over machine-learning-based detection because the presence of a cough in subtitles means it was prominent enough for a person to write it down. Also our postdoctoral fellow was the only one who completed the Tensorflow tutorial.

posted by Ookseer at 7:07 AM on April 1, 2022 [11 favorites]

You can tell this research is authoritative because it's published in Computer Modern Roman, aka "the TeX font"

I don’t trust it, it’s not a pdf.
posted by condour75 at 7:37 AM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]

I mean, who hasn't wondered what happens when you fart in a stillsuit?

Don't they trap the methane for later addition to a giant global reservoir? I would say follow through on your ideas Dunonians, but that gives entirely the wrong idea.
posted by biffa at 7:45 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

PDF? Pffft. Serious folks publish in DVI. It's device independent, afterall.

(I still have a bunch of old TeX output in Postscript. Ugh.)
posted by Nelson at 7:48 AM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best Short Feature Featuring Flatulence.
posted by BWA at 8:23 AM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]

Ctrl+F Blazing Saddles ... No?? This paper is invalid.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:54 AM on April 1, 2022 [4 favorites]

Supposedly Burton Gilliam, the guy who played the villain in Blazing Saddles was the first person to poot in a major movie. Poot is a funnier word than fart - that's a hill I'm dying on.

Later in life he did hilarious car commercials in Texas that seem to use the exact same voices from the Big Bill Hell (I guess standard car dealership voice??) while he says random stuff over the top in an over the top accent like "By God, that's too cheap!!" while swinging a pink lasso.

That's him living his best life.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:54 AM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]

Jinx, The_Vegetables!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:55 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

I hope the sequel studies ahem
posted by Monochrome at 9:01 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

Mel came over to me and said, “Well, I’m gonna make you
famous today.”

Famous for pooting! LOL. And the whole article about Burton is pretty great, and features stills and old Hollywood stories from a bunch of cult classic movies.
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:16 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

Damn, Viggo Mortensen SHOULD be Batman though
posted by potrzebie at 9:29 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

Viggo Mortensen will be cast as Batman at some point in the future.

Well I support this research.
posted by obfuscation at 9:30 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

Damn, Viggo Mortensen SHOULD be Batman though


Counterpoint: Enough batmans (batmen?). Robin full length feature or go home. And Mads Mikkelsen plays the batman in that film.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 9:57 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

Just a note here. When you cough and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.
posted by Splunge at 11:22 AM on April 1, 2022 [10 favorites]

Damn, Viggo Mortensen SHOULD be Batman though

Old Batman should be brawny, and Viggo (who is 63) is too wiry.

Abehammerb is correct that Mikkelsen should be able to play whatever he wants.
posted by biffa at 11:49 AM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

Bill as Robin, Alexander as Batman, Stellan as Alfred. The Skarsgård Smörgåsbord.

And for obscure movie mythology:
What did Maureen O'Hara whisper to John Wayne at the end of The Quiet Man that shocked him so? "I just pooted."
posted by bartleby at 10:10 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]

While some may call our methods “tenuous at best”

New goal: use this phrase or a variation of it in a work email this week. Wish me luck!
posted by solotoro at 4:23 AM on April 2, 2022 [2 favorites]

“tenuous at best”

New goal: use this phrase or a variation of it in a work email this week.

You can review an academic paper for me if you like?
posted by biffa at 5:21 AM on April 2, 2022 [2 favorites]