I'm Deaf And I Have 'Perfect' Speech.
April 11, 2022 8:59 PM Subscribe
Here's Why It's Actually A Nightmare. Hearing people would probably think I’m the lucky one ― the success story ― because I can talk. But I agree with my [Deaf] friends.
Pointing at the menu, I let the word ["soup"] slip out to the server. And our delightful meal goes straight downhill. Suddenly, the wait staff’s mouths start flapping; the beautiful, reaching, visual parts of their brains go dead, as if switched off.
“Whadda payu dictorom danu?” the server’s mouth seems to say. “Buddica taluca mariney?”
“No, I’m Deaf,” I say. A friend taps the server and, pointing to her coffee, pantomimes milking a cow. But the damage is done. The server has moved to stand next to me and, with laser-focus, looks only at me. Her pen at the ready, her mouth moves like a fish. With stunning speed, the beauty of the previous interactions ― the pantomiming, the pointing, the cooperative taking of our order ― has disappeared. “Duwanaa disser wida coffee anmik? Or widabeeaw fayuh-mow?”
“Damn! All I did was say one word!” I say to my friends. “But why do you do that?” they ask, looking at me with consternation and pity. “Why don’t you just turn your voice off, for once and for all?” they say.
Pointing at the menu, I let the word ["soup"] slip out to the server. And our delightful meal goes straight downhill. Suddenly, the wait staff’s mouths start flapping; the beautiful, reaching, visual parts of their brains go dead, as if switched off.
“Whadda payu dictorom danu?” the server’s mouth seems to say. “Buddica taluca mariney?”
“No, I’m Deaf,” I say. A friend taps the server and, pointing to her coffee, pantomimes milking a cow. But the damage is done. The server has moved to stand next to me and, with laser-focus, looks only at me. Her pen at the ready, her mouth moves like a fish. With stunning speed, the beauty of the previous interactions ― the pantomiming, the pointing, the cooperative taking of our order ― has disappeared. “Duwanaa disser wida coffee anmik? Or widabeeaw fayuh-mow?”
“Damn! All I did was say one word!” I say to my friends. “But why do you do that?” they ask, looking at me with consternation and pity. “Why don’t you just turn your voice off, for once and for all?” they say.
this whole concept reminds me of a really frustrating phase in language acquisition that I have described on numerous occasions as “sometimes you accidentally say the wrong thing correctly”
posted by DoctorFedora at 10:06 PM on April 11, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by DoctorFedora at 10:06 PM on April 11, 2022 [7 favorites]
She makes a really good point that—with speech-to-text working so well on phones these days—many people who don't know how to sign have an easy way to communicate with someone who asks them to write down what they want to say.
posted by straight at 12:13 AM on April 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by straight at 12:13 AM on April 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
I do a lot of videoconferences with a Deaf person and I feel like people assume that the text transcript function mean they don’t have to try. But the text captions are usually terrible. There’s so much we could do to leverage the interface (eg using chat) but nobody does. I also noticed that using headphones with a mike make the Zoom transcript much more accurate.
posted by haptic_avenger at 4:28 AM on April 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by haptic_avenger at 4:28 AM on April 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
I am not deaf, but this resonates with me with regard to different languages. As a tourist I practiced a certain phrase in German ("Could you tell me where the youth hostel is?" rather than the usual neophyte "Where is the youth hostel?"), because I thought it more polite. I was rewarded with a very specific description of how to get to said hostel, of which I didn't understand a word, because I don't really speak German.
(Apparently I sounded like a Berliner - presumably because that's where my last German teacher was from...)
posted by pompomtom at 6:22 AM on April 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
(Apparently I sounded like a Berliner - presumably because that's where my last German teacher was from...)
posted by pompomtom at 6:22 AM on April 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
Fascinating, thank you! I hope that this article will prompt me to keep thinking of other ways that I can help to close the gap rather than always expecting disabled people to do all the work to accommodate me.
posted by BrashTech at 6:28 AM on April 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by BrashTech at 6:28 AM on April 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am not deaf, but this resonates with me with regard to different languages. As a tourist I practiced a certain phrase in German ("Could you tell me where the youth hostel is?" rather than the usual neophyte "Where is the youth hostel?"), because I thought it more polite. I was rewarded with a very specific description of how to get to said hostel, of which I didn't understand a word, because I don't really speak German.
This is, pace DoctorFedora, also a distinct phase in language acquisition, and one I have been on both sides of the conversation for, many times. I worked in a few hostels for years and I occasionally tried in vain to persuade some of my, er, less thoughtful colleagues that one had to occasionally modify one’s own language for the benefit of listeners who are in their second or third. Hostels have lower rates for guests with memberships, and a common question was what is the price per night. One of my colleagues invariably told questioners, “It’s ______, or _____ if you’re a member.” I tried without success to convince her that many ESL speakers were going to parse that last bit as, “if you remember,” and that maybe, “if you have a membership card” might be better. No dice.
Back to the issue at hand: I have at best a fragmentary grasp of ASL, with maybe fifty or a hundred signs I can follow and use. This might be an AskMe question, but can anyone recommend an online tutorial or course that would help the interested amateur improve their ASL? The books I have are 99% vocab and almost nothing in the way of the idiosyncratic grammar, and trying to learn a new language by just reading the dictionary is not fruitful.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:59 AM on April 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
This is, pace DoctorFedora, also a distinct phase in language acquisition, and one I have been on both sides of the conversation for, many times. I worked in a few hostels for years and I occasionally tried in vain to persuade some of my, er, less thoughtful colleagues that one had to occasionally modify one’s own language for the benefit of listeners who are in their second or third. Hostels have lower rates for guests with memberships, and a common question was what is the price per night. One of my colleagues invariably told questioners, “It’s ______, or _____ if you’re a member.” I tried without success to convince her that many ESL speakers were going to parse that last bit as, “if you remember,” and that maybe, “if you have a membership card” might be better. No dice.
Back to the issue at hand: I have at best a fragmentary grasp of ASL, with maybe fifty or a hundred signs I can follow and use. This might be an AskMe question, but can anyone recommend an online tutorial or course that would help the interested amateur improve their ASL? The books I have are 99% vocab and almost nothing in the way of the idiosyncratic grammar, and trying to learn a new language by just reading the dictionary is not fruitful.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:59 AM on April 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
Yeah, same boat, @pompomtom. Half of my family is from Quebec, so I grew up with a pretty reasonable Quebecois accent, and like... 9th-grade french. So I can order breakfast and sound like a native, but the very second I start getting asked some qualifying questions, I'm floundering.
That's where the similarities stop, though. Most Quebecers are used to speaking with anglos and have "some-to-lots" of english. So all I really have to deal with is that initial moment of panic, and then communication resumes pretty close to normal for both parties.
Also, I don't live in Quebec, so this isn't a daily issue, either. Having to deal with this on the daily would be a whole 'nother level entirely.
posted by Imperfect at 8:35 AM on April 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
That's where the similarities stop, though. Most Quebecers are used to speaking with anglos and have "some-to-lots" of english. So all I really have to deal with is that initial moment of panic, and then communication resumes pretty close to normal for both parties.
Also, I don't live in Quebec, so this isn't a daily issue, either. Having to deal with this on the daily would be a whole 'nother level entirely.
posted by Imperfect at 8:35 AM on April 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Gotta say I don't love this language metaphor everyone is leaning into! When a German person in Germany speaks German to you because you know a couple words of German and they mistakenly think you speak German, that is not analogous to when a hearing person in an ableist society speaks out loud to a Deaf person because they aren't interested in communicating in a way you can understand, aren't cognizant of why it matters, or simply don't believe that you need accommodation. Deaf people do in fact speak the dominant language! It's hearing people who aren't willing to find ways to communicate.
posted by babelfish at 9:04 AM on April 12, 2022 [24 favorites]
posted by babelfish at 9:04 AM on April 12, 2022 [24 favorites]
100% agree with babelfish's excellent point.
This is a great, nuanced article, both thoughtful and kind of hilarious at turns. I love the beautiful pictures she paints of her interactions with her friends.
posted by obfuscation at 9:15 AM on April 12, 2022
This is a great, nuanced article, both thoughtful and kind of hilarious at turns. I love the beautiful pictures she paints of her interactions with her friends.
posted by obfuscation at 9:15 AM on April 12, 2022
Deaf people do in fact speak the dominant language! It's hearing people who aren't willing to find ways to communicate.
James Joseph Boyle on Twitter in October 2020:
James Joseph Boyle on Twitter in October 2020:
Gentle reminder that the interpreter isn’t here because I’m deaf, the interpreter is here because you don’t sign.posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:30 AM on April 12, 2022 [24 favorites]
Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.
I have likely had poor hearing all my life, it has steadily deteriorated. My hearing loss was diagnosed at age 40. Hearing aids help, but people who hear think hearing aids are way better than they actually are. I can hear more, but if you don't look at me (to direct sound, not lip-reading) I won't understand you. Last week, I was putting in fresh hearing aid batteries because they'd gone out while I drove to meet a friend. She chided that my voice was a bit loud in the cafe. Yep, that's part of my disability; I don't hear my own voice accurately. And I felt shitty about it all day.
Hearing people can't imagine not hearing. I can close my eyes and imagine blindness, but hearing people don't get that I miss *every* funny side remark, because they are always sotto voce, and not, literally, aimed in my direction. Movies and shows increasingly have low volume comments; captioning doesn't always capture them.
I am incredibly grateful for the rare individuals who are patient, talk a little louder, look at me, and are not pissy about my lack of hearing well. And your Mom or grandpa? Help them get good digital aids and support them as they adjust. It's difficult and frustrating, and many people are kind of jerks about the adjustment period.
I've had to use writing to communicate with deaf people. It's slow and not fun. Do It Anyway. Use the accommodation a person with disability requests; we know what works for us.
posted by theora55 at 11:30 AM on April 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
Hearing people can't imagine not hearing. I can close my eyes and imagine blindness, but hearing people don't get that I miss *every* funny side remark, because they are always sotto voce, and not, literally, aimed in my direction. Movies and shows increasingly have low volume comments; captioning doesn't always capture them.
I am incredibly grateful for the rare individuals who are patient, talk a little louder, look at me, and are not pissy about my lack of hearing well. And your Mom or grandpa? Help them get good digital aids and support them as they adjust. It's difficult and frustrating, and many people are kind of jerks about the adjustment period.
I've had to use writing to communicate with deaf people. It's slow and not fun. Do It Anyway. Use the accommodation a person with disability requests; we know what works for us.
posted by theora55 at 11:30 AM on April 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
Advocating for oneself as a deaf person is super tiring, day in and day out. I'm lowercase deaf, turning 50 this year, got a lifetime severe-to-profound binaural loss, and recently got a cochlear implant. My speech is pretty good, thanks to plenty of speech therapy as a kid. Anyway, I'm really feeling the author's experience.
With most social interactions, usually transactional ones: I just start talking, and if the response is unintelligible to me, I point to my ears and tell them I'm deaf. If they keep talking, I raise my voice and cut them off and repeat that I'm deaf. If I'm exasperated enough, I'll add: "I have no idea what you're saying", which is enough to snap the speaker out of their habit and focus on my need for clear communication. That one's more of a pandemic special: masks prevent me from lip reading, something I'd usually lean on when hearing comprehension fails.
I've learned not to be ashamed of not being a hearing person. Took me most of my life to get to that point. I will say that being lowercase deaf is a particular kind of hell, and this new cochlear implant has given back a lot of hearing comprehension that had been fading. That said, I still, frequently, have to pivot to an assertive/strident voice, which definitely isn't natural for me. I do find smiling afterward helps defuse the awkwardness.
I suppose, given my particular situation, I've had a lifetime of countering cognitive dissonance. I'm impressed with myself for how far I've gotten with all that -- but I still regret that I didn't, at an early age, have someone with a similar experience tell me to stand up for myself, be as loud as I need to be, and never apologize for it. I try to be that person now.
posted by Jubal Kessler at 7:22 AM on April 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
With most social interactions, usually transactional ones: I just start talking, and if the response is unintelligible to me, I point to my ears and tell them I'm deaf. If they keep talking, I raise my voice and cut them off and repeat that I'm deaf. If I'm exasperated enough, I'll add: "I have no idea what you're saying", which is enough to snap the speaker out of their habit and focus on my need for clear communication. That one's more of a pandemic special: masks prevent me from lip reading, something I'd usually lean on when hearing comprehension fails.
I've learned not to be ashamed of not being a hearing person. Took me most of my life to get to that point. I will say that being lowercase deaf is a particular kind of hell, and this new cochlear implant has given back a lot of hearing comprehension that had been fading. That said, I still, frequently, have to pivot to an assertive/strident voice, which definitely isn't natural for me. I do find smiling afterward helps defuse the awkwardness.
I suppose, given my particular situation, I've had a lifetime of countering cognitive dissonance. I'm impressed with myself for how far I've gotten with all that -- but I still regret that I didn't, at an early age, have someone with a similar experience tell me to stand up for myself, be as loud as I need to be, and never apologize for it. I try to be that person now.
posted by Jubal Kessler at 7:22 AM on April 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
I've had unreliable levels of hearing since early childhood, and I currently wear a hearing aid in my left ear to compensate for a substantial and likely permanent reduction in hearing on that side. It works reasonably well. But I've been realizing I need to go ahead and commit to learning ASL because I don't know what the future holds for me. Also, real talk, I don't really identify as Deaf right now, but I am doing myself a disservice by not putting effort into connecting with other people who understand my experience.
I've heard the "you are too loud" comment SO MANY TIMES, and it grates on me especially hard when I get it from non-deaf/Deaf people in my life whom I've seen and heard practically screaming in conversation when it suits them. It's a super frustrating double standard.
We have a terrible issue in American society with denying the reality and dignity of variations in age and ability. I'm grateful for all of you practicing awareness and respect here.
posted by sockshaveholes at 7:55 AM on April 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
I've heard the "you are too loud" comment SO MANY TIMES, and it grates on me especially hard when I get it from non-deaf/Deaf people in my life whom I've seen and heard practically screaming in conversation when it suits them. It's a super frustrating double standard.
We have a terrible issue in American society with denying the reality and dignity of variations in age and ability. I'm grateful for all of you practicing awareness and respect here.
posted by sockshaveholes at 7:55 AM on April 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
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By the way, for anyone who might be near Austin--or, glancing at their website, maybe Baltimore now too?--who would like to get a sense for what it might be like to visit a space where you're welcome to attend but the primary verbal language is inaccessible to you, the excellent Deaf-owned restaurant Crepe Crazy is mostly staffed by Deaf and hard of hearing workers and has done some interesting things to make communication between largely non-ASL-speaking customers and primarily-ASL-speaking work staff easier, largely involving the use of pointing. The food is really good, too. But--speaking as a hearing person, from what my Deaf and Hard of Hearing friends tell me, it's fucking alienating to always be the only person in the room who can talk in a way that is easily understood and comprehended without extra effort on your own part. It's always useful to spend some space interacting in a place centered around someone else's verbal language, just as a check on what that experience is like.
posted by sciatrix at 9:15 PM on April 11, 2022 [26 favorites]