The night, you see, it was dark. And it was stormy, as well.

December 16, 2022 11:51 AM

For your reading pleasure (?), the 2022 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which "challenges entrants to compose opening sentences to the worst of all possible novels."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some (15 comments total)

I took a graduate level creative writing workshop a few years back. As its first exercise, one of the workshops had us all submit openings (two hundred words or less). The two I remember would both slay any of these Bulwer-Lytton champions. Because they were serious, and they were pretty good writers. But they were pretty good writers seriously trying to impress other pretty good writers. Which isn't pretty.
posted by philip-random at 12:32 PM on December 16, 2022 [8 favorites]

wow (yes, I read them all, burp)

the puns were particularly painful (I prefer alliteration, obviously)
posted by supermedusa at 1:28 PM on December 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

I think it's worth noting that these are actually good, well-crafted sentences. And if they were the opening to a comic novel, a la Hitchhiker's Guide, then they would fit right in.
posted by zardoz at 1:34 PM on December 16, 2022 [4 favorites]

I often look at these and feel like the authors have too much room to move, and even with that are trying to cram too much in. It's like a large hoarder's house of bad narrative.

I'm a long time fan of the Lyttle Lytton contest, that sets out with the same goals but a 200 character limit.

"Her face struck me like a baseball bat, kneecapping my heart."

That's the good shit, right there.
posted by mhoye at 1:40 PM on December 16, 2022 [22 favorites]

And so the two pachyderms with the same first name met, and they formed the jazz duo legend known as the Elephants Gerald.

I make no apologies: I want to read this book.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 1:45 PM on December 16, 2022 [12 favorites]

I keep reading these every year.

Either the quality of entries (or maybe the judging) has dropped precipitously, over time, or I've grown tired of the joke.

But I do keep reading them.
posted by gurple at 2:03 PM on December 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

I would like to see less obvious humor, puns, etc. Writing bad fiction is easy; writing bad fiction that is trying to be good fiction is harder; writing bad fiction that is trying to be good fiction but which really knows it's bad fiction is sublime.

Bulwer-Lytton was a best-selling author in his day; that doesn't mean he was good, just that he was doing something right for his time.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:32 PM on December 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

I'll say it: the run-on sentence is the poop joke of intentionally bad writing.

I would be shocked, SHOCKED if the Goldilocks one is at all new, so I think that lends credence to a failure of judgery.
posted by rhizome at 4:38 PM on December 16, 2022 [3 favorites]

And so the two pachyderms with the same first name met, and they formed the jazz duo legend known as the Elephants Gerald.

I have a series of kids books, Elephant and Piggie (they are very good), and the elephant is called Gerald, which I strongly suspect is this same joke, but just left unspoken. Which is how I prefer a joke, the reader should have to put a bit of work in.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 4:56 PM on December 16, 2022 [2 favorites]

And so the two pachyderms with the same first name met, and they formed the jazz duo legend known as the Elephants Gerald.

I'm partial to Harry Elefante myself.
posted by rouftop at 5:18 PM on December 16, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm sorry, but the Crime & Detective winner absolutely looks like something I'd want to read.
posted by krisjohn at 5:25 PM on December 16, 2022

I think stuffing a sentence full of nouns is the easy gimme for intentionally bad fantasy writing. Or even bad fantasy writing! Like I think at this point in the genre anyone who starts off with five pages of nouns without any characters will have difficulty getting a contract.
posted by Merus at 6:02 PM on December 16, 2022 [1 favorite]

they formed the jazz duo legend known as the Elephants Gerald

I hear a chapter is devoted just to salted peanuts.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 12:00 PM on December 17, 2022

I often look at these and feel like the authors have too much room to move, and even with that are trying to cram too much in. It's like a large hoarder's house of bad narrative.

I've placed twice in the contest so far (2012 and 2015, both dishonorable mentions). Both times I would've been just over the limit of Lyttle Lytton; 202 and 204 characters, respectively. Trimming could've made either fit.

I agree wholeheartedly that the prizes should lean towards a great concept, a mind-bending turn of phrase or a clever-yet-twisted bit of wordplay, rather than simply piling on descriptors until sufficient hilarity has been reached. It's one reason that I haven't sent in entries in recent years -- it's not that I'm offended by who's winning or feeling like I can't compete, but that I haven't set time aside to come up with horrific ideas that felt right to submit.
posted by delfin at 3:03 PM on December 17, 2022 [1 favorite]

Going to have to edit this one:

“Hoist the mainsail ye accursed swine” shouted the Captain over the roar of the waves as the ship was tossed like a cork dropped from a wine bottle into a jacuzzi when the faucet is wide open and the jets are running full blast and one has just settled into the water with a glass of red wine to ease the aches and pains after a day of hard labor raking leaves from the front yard hoisting the mainsail.
posted by hypnogogue at 5:56 PM on December 17, 2022 [4 favorites]