“Marry rich!” she would tell me. “It’s so fun!”
July 11, 2023 9:26 AM Subscribe
“Being a bride used to mean being royalty for a day. Now it means being a celebrity. Either way, the only sure path to really distinguish yourself—to capture the oohs and the aahs and the attention—is to spend a lot of money.” —
The Fake Poor Bride: Confessions of a Luxury Wedding Planner [archive link]
This is so just so alien. I got married and a year ago, and we catered it ourselves, we decorated, etc. We just held a fucking party like we might when we invite several sets of friends over for dinner on a weekend, just scaled up.
I guess that night be exactly what these guys are doing too, they're just not on the kitchen themselves for their weekends either.
So fucking alien.
posted by Dysk at 9:45 AM on July 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
I guess that night be exactly what these guys are doing too, they're just not on the kitchen themselves for their weekends either.
So fucking alien.
posted by Dysk at 9:45 AM on July 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
We also planned our own wedding. Everyone we interacted with - the caterer, the cake maker, the venue manager and staff, our friends and family - were spectacular, and made us feel loved and cared for. Everyone except the company from which we rented the tables, chairs plateware and cutlery. They shorted us 25 small cake plates, which I failed to notice when doing the spot check on delivery. Then when they came to collect, they accused us of losing or stealing those 25 cake plates, which came in sets of - you guessed it - 25. The guys picking up the goods - large dudes, Russian - didn't want to leave until we paid up. I explained that I didn't have the cash on me, and it was a Sunday so I couldn't go to the bank, and I was going on my honeymoon the next day, so could this please wait until we returned. I managed to extract that concession from them. When I got back, I went to their office where the woman who I had spoken to fixed me with an icy stare and demanded the money. I handed her the $250 and then said "I know you failed to deliver those 25 plates, which is understandable, these things happen, and it is definitely not my fault, but this is not worth the hassle, so enjoy your free money." Her stare got icier, and I left.
ALWAYS COUNT EVERYTHING.
posted by grumpybear69 at 9:48 AM on July 11, 2023 [31 favorites]
ALWAYS COUNT EVERYTHING.
posted by grumpybear69 at 9:48 AM on July 11, 2023 [31 favorites]
I used to threaten my family that I would get married at Taco Bell, but that's now an actual thing you can do officially they even have a wedding chapel at their las vegas location
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:51 AM on July 11, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:51 AM on July 11, 2023 [9 favorites]
That was fascinating, thank you for posting it.
posted by JanetLand at 9:53 AM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 9:53 AM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
We planned our own wedding: the ceremony at a public park ( a minor fee paid to the City of Atlanta) and held the reception at a now defunct sushi restaurant* we both loved. I did have a cupcake wedding cake. My wedding dress was the most expensive thing about it, my bouquet came from a stopover at Trader Joe's on the way to the ceremony.
(The Southern side of my immediate family did bring their own food because sushi was "too weird." We gave the restaurant owner extra $$ for this irritation.)
My younger sister had one of those insane weddings where the guest list was over 300 people (!!) and the whole nine yards.
posted by Kitteh at 9:57 AM on July 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
(The Southern side of my immediate family did bring their own food because sushi was "too weird." We gave the restaurant owner extra $$ for this irritation.)
My younger sister had one of those insane weddings where the guest list was over 300 people (!!) and the whole nine yards.
posted by Kitteh at 9:57 AM on July 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
I had to stop reading at the "built a miniature golf course" part. I shouldn't have started, because it just makes me yearn for the guillotine. Everything gets stupidly elaborate (I won't say "nicer" because a lot of it sounds annoying) for the very rich while everything else falls to pieces.
That said, at least this did introduce me to the concept of a football wedding. Should I ever require a wedding, this is the wedding I want, though possibly with banh mi:
My grandparents, who raised me, had what was called a “football wedding.” They rented the Veterans of Foreign Wars hall in Red Hook, Brooklyn, and piled tinfoil-wrapped heroes on a table. People would shout out what sandwich they wanted, and another guest would toss it across the room.
posted by Frowner at 10:02 AM on July 11, 2023 [30 favorites]
That said, at least this did introduce me to the concept of a football wedding. Should I ever require a wedding, this is the wedding I want, though possibly with banh mi:
My grandparents, who raised me, had what was called a “football wedding.” They rented the Veterans of Foreign Wars hall in Red Hook, Brooklyn, and piled tinfoil-wrapped heroes on a table. People would shout out what sandwich they wanted, and another guest would toss it across the room.
posted by Frowner at 10:02 AM on July 11, 2023 [30 favorites]
It's weird in modernity to think that a wedding should be a status-pageant but I guess there's a now-quite-dated historical basis for it. Just like the idea that you shouldn't feel kind of embarrassed about being that rich.
posted by mhoye at 10:12 AM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by mhoye at 10:12 AM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
This whole thing with the mom trying to secretly spend more money behind the bride's back is both bizarre and hilarious.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:24 AM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:24 AM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
When we got married, Ms. Windo's family were not in any way wealthy. And so our wedding was held in the city park across the street from their house. The reception was held at the town community center across from the park. Friends of her family brought in homemade Tamales, and the music was the local piano teacher. It was perfect, (except for the wedding cake, which fell over during transport to the reception).
The rehearsal dinner, which my way wealthier family paid for, probably cost 3 times as much as the wedding. The wedding was better...
"Built a miniature golf course", wtf?
Glad I'm not concerned about showing off.
posted by Windopaene at 10:31 AM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
The rehearsal dinner, which my way wealthier family paid for, probably cost 3 times as much as the wedding. The wedding was better...
"Built a miniature golf course", wtf?
Glad I'm not concerned about showing off.
posted by Windopaene at 10:31 AM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
> tent companies to erect a clearspan or sailcloth structure for 300 people and then to heat or cool it
I shouldn't be surprised, but the idea of having an outdoor wedding but them insisting on temperature control anyway surprised me. To me, that speaks to a profound confusion. If your local weather doesn't support hanging out under a canopy for several hours, you should probably have your wedding indoors. That's what the indoors are for!
posted by vibratory manner of working at 10:46 AM on July 11, 2023 [21 favorites]
I shouldn't be surprised, but the idea of having an outdoor wedding but them insisting on temperature control anyway surprised me. To me, that speaks to a profound confusion. If your local weather doesn't support hanging out under a canopy for several hours, you should probably have your wedding indoors. That's what the indoors are for!
posted by vibratory manner of working at 10:46 AM on July 11, 2023 [21 favorites]
One of my sets of aunt/uncle/cousins was quite well off when I was a kid, but they were still pretty down-to-earth and my cousin had her wedding in her back yard; her brother was still in college at Berklee School of Music and rounded up buddies for a band for all the music, the restaurant she worked at in the summers did the catering, and it was just a tent-in-the-back-yard kind of thing and the only pre-wedding disaster was that my cousin discovered the ring she was going to borrow from her Mom didn't fit for the "Something Borrowed" so I loaned her one of my rings.
At some point in the reception, Dad and I were sitting at a table and listening to the band. We'd both been up and dancing along with everyone for a while and were just taking a break (it was a good band, my cousin had good taste and knew good guys). "I really like weddings like this," Dad suddenly said, "Nothing too huge and fancy, just a good time with all your favorite people."
"yeah, me too," I said. "All that super-fancy stuff isn't the point, I just like simple stuff like this."
We both lapsed into silence - but then after a few seconds, I just barely heard my father say under his breath: "Good."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:48 AM on July 11, 2023 [24 favorites]
At some point in the reception, Dad and I were sitting at a table and listening to the band. We'd both been up and dancing along with everyone for a while and were just taking a break (it was a good band, my cousin had good taste and knew good guys). "I really like weddings like this," Dad suddenly said, "Nothing too huge and fancy, just a good time with all your favorite people."
"yeah, me too," I said. "All that super-fancy stuff isn't the point, I just like simple stuff like this."
We both lapsed into silence - but then after a few seconds, I just barely heard my father say under his breath: "Good."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:48 AM on July 11, 2023 [24 favorites]
Great article, thanks for posting! I'm always fascinated by these sorts of occupations that can all be boiled down to, essentially, a combination of project management and therapy for rich people - after all, as that one quote in TFA, their clients are not just spending money for an extravagant wedding, but also the experience of having a good time planning their wedding. Seems like people successful in this line of work need to be very emotionally intelligent and able to compartmentalize very, very well. I wouldn't last an hour.
posted by btfreek at 10:50 AM on July 11, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by btfreek at 10:50 AM on July 11, 2023 [12 favorites]
....The punchline to my story about Dad and simple weddings:
About five years later, I was visiting my parents again and suddenly, out of nowhere, Dad tried to sell me on the idea of having a Destination Wedding someday. It would be like a combination vacation and wedding, he said, wouldn't that be awesome?
I blinked a few times, then politely pointed out that yes, while that did indeed sound neat, the fact that I hadn't even been on a date in like 3 years was probably the more important thing for me to handle first, so maybe that's the thing I should be focusing on instead?
To this day I have no idea what prompted him to talk about that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:51 AM on July 11, 2023 [20 favorites]
About five years later, I was visiting my parents again and suddenly, out of nowhere, Dad tried to sell me on the idea of having a Destination Wedding someday. It would be like a combination vacation and wedding, he said, wouldn't that be awesome?
I blinked a few times, then politely pointed out that yes, while that did indeed sound neat, the fact that I hadn't even been on a date in like 3 years was probably the more important thing for me to handle first, so maybe that's the thing I should be focusing on instead?
To this day I have no idea what prompted him to talk about that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:51 AM on July 11, 2023 [20 favorites]
To this day I have no idea what prompted him to talk about that.
He wanted a vacation with a purpose?
posted by tafetta, darling! at 10:53 AM on July 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
He wanted a vacation with a purpose?
posted by tafetta, darling! at 10:53 AM on July 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
Destination weddings are the couples' way of saying "DON'T COME. SEND GIFTS INSTEAD"
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 10:56 AM on July 11, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 10:56 AM on July 11, 2023 [9 favorites]
My cousin had the type of wedding that tried very hard to emulate this sort of thing on an upper-middle-class budget. It was centered on her in-laws' vacation home a couple hours drive away on the coast. She had a whole week of small events planned leading up to the ceremony. All of these events were a little on the pointless side and it was pretty transparent that they only existed so she could later flex and say she had a week-long wedding.
Monday: Hot chocolate at the dock! The mugs have silhouettes of the bride and groom on them!
Tuesday:Lunch Appetizers at our favorite pub in town!
Wednesday: Marshmallows and s'mores at the fire pit.
Thursday:Breakfast Bagels at the house!
Friday: Wedding-eve lantern procession to the spot on the lawn next to the dock where the ceremony is taking place! Everyone gets an LED flashlight with wedding couple's monogram on it!
Saturday: The wedding!
There was a little resort within walking distance, and she encouraged everyone to treat it like a vacation and book rooms there for some or all of the week so everyone could hang out. At the time I was a pretty broke grad school dropout who was busy howling into the void about the trajectory of my life, so I didn't go. I still kind of regret that because everyone else who went had a great time.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:04 AM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
Monday: Hot chocolate at the dock! The mugs have silhouettes of the bride and groom on them!
Tuesday:
Wednesday: Marshmallows and s'mores at the fire pit.
Thursday:
Friday: Wedding-eve lantern procession to the spot on the lawn next to the dock where the ceremony is taking place! Everyone gets an LED flashlight with wedding couple's monogram on it!
Saturday: The wedding!
There was a little resort within walking distance, and she encouraged everyone to treat it like a vacation and book rooms there for some or all of the week so everyone could hang out. At the time I was a pretty broke grad school dropout who was busy howling into the void about the trajectory of my life, so I didn't go. I still kind of regret that because everyone else who went had a great time.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:04 AM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
I spent $1000 on my wedding in 1976 so figure inflation but we didn’t start out in debt and we were married for 46 years. My mother didn’t pay for any of my wedding. But she gave me a beat up house in the suburbs when she moved into her mother’s house after she died.
I didn’t spend anything on my kid’s wedding aside from getting them a custom suit (again about $1000) but then I bought them a really cheap house in a tough city neighborhood that was in good shape.
You can see where I’m going with this. You want to give your kid something they’ll remember forever? Give them something they can actually own.
posted by Peach at 11:05 AM on July 11, 2023 [15 favorites]
I didn’t spend anything on my kid’s wedding aside from getting them a custom suit (again about $1000) but then I bought them a really cheap house in a tough city neighborhood that was in good shape.
You can see where I’m going with this. You want to give your kid something they’ll remember forever? Give them something they can actually own.
posted by Peach at 11:05 AM on July 11, 2023 [15 favorites]
Indian weddings in the US are getting quite elaborate too. There was a story in the Chicago Tribune about this; where one of the leading wedding planners in the area said that when she started out in the 90's she had to beg the parties for a 10K minimum so she could do what they were expecting. Now she charges a minimum budget of 100K! And she has to turn down multiple clients even with this!
I went to a smaller version of this last year when my nephew got married in Seattle. Now granted the bride comes from wealth; but it was quite eye opening anyway! Bollywood style extravaganza!
I, OTOH, got married in a civil ceremony at the Chicago Cultural Center in a wonderful Tiffany Dome set-up.
posted by indianbadger1 at 11:14 AM on July 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
I went to a smaller version of this last year when my nephew got married in Seattle. Now granted the bride comes from wealth; but it was quite eye opening anyway! Bollywood style extravaganza!
I, OTOH, got married in a civil ceremony at the Chicago Cultural Center in a wonderful Tiffany Dome set-up.
posted by indianbadger1 at 11:14 AM on July 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
Should I ever remarry I would like to go to Paris and then the groom and I spend two weeks eating our way across France. No gifts needed except maybe don't remark on our expanded waistlines when we get back.
posted by emjaybee at 11:23 AM on July 11, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 11:23 AM on July 11, 2023 [11 favorites]
This was a fascinating look at a world I hope never to be part of.
For a follow-up set in the same cinematic universe, I refer you all to Brennan Lee Mulligan's "This Christmas Party Was So Fun That Now I'm A Communist".
posted by ourobouros at 11:29 AM on July 11, 2023 [9 favorites]
For a follow-up set in the same cinematic universe, I refer you all to Brennan Lee Mulligan's "This Christmas Party Was So Fun That Now I'm A Communist".
posted by ourobouros at 11:29 AM on July 11, 2023 [9 favorites]
Indian weddings in the US are getting quite elaborate too. There was a story in the Chicago Tribune about this; where one of the leading wedding planners in the area said that when she started out in the 90's she had to beg the parties for a 10K minimum so she could do what they were expecting. Now she charges a minimum budget of 100K! And she has to turn down multiple clients even with this!
I went to my cousin's kid's wedding in Chicago in May and I don't even want to know how much the thing cost. The only part of it that I really cared for was that a whole bunch of cousins flew in and we had free run of the conference rooms in the bottom of the hotel for the full weekend which they had kept stocked with snacks, tea/coffee, and meals at appropriate times. The ceremony was at some outdoor garden and the weather was beautiful so I'm sure that as the wedding as an event was concerned the whole thing was top notch but just being able to hang out with cousins I hadn't seen in a couple of years and see all of our kids making friends and hanging out was the real highlight.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 11:30 AM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
I went to my cousin's kid's wedding in Chicago in May and I don't even want to know how much the thing cost. The only part of it that I really cared for was that a whole bunch of cousins flew in and we had free run of the conference rooms in the bottom of the hotel for the full weekend which they had kept stocked with snacks, tea/coffee, and meals at appropriate times. The ceremony was at some outdoor garden and the weather was beautiful so I'm sure that as the wedding as an event was concerned the whole thing was top notch but just being able to hang out with cousins I hadn't seen in a couple of years and see all of our kids making friends and hanging out was the real highlight.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 11:30 AM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
My now-ex and I got married in a field, and refused to get either family involved financially in the event until the in-laws absolutely put their foot down and insisted that they pay to have a local top notch seafood restaurant cater it (well, ok then...) We said some vows, a Unitarian minister officiated, then everyone hung out and ate amazing seafood on a lovely April afternoon.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:33 AM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:33 AM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
Oh - and no suit, but I wore the loudest most ridiculous tie I could find!
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:34 AM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:34 AM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
the idea of having an outdoor wedding but them insisting on temperature control anyway surprised me.
Have some thought for elderly, disabled, and heat-intolerant guests who would love to participate fully but can't stand even moderately warm weather very long.
This--along with very delicious foods--is what I know I would end up spending gobs of money on at a wedding: making sure all my guests are extremely comfortable and have everything they want. Like, one of my closest friends is moderately to severely (depending on the state of her corneas at that moment) visually-impaired, so I'd want to lay down a smooth path for her everywhere she might want to go. That kind of thing ends up costing a lot. Hopefully I could save on swag.
posted by praemunire at 11:42 AM on July 11, 2023 [10 favorites]
Have some thought for elderly, disabled, and heat-intolerant guests who would love to participate fully but can't stand even moderately warm weather very long.
This--along with very delicious foods--is what I know I would end up spending gobs of money on at a wedding: making sure all my guests are extremely comfortable and have everything they want. Like, one of my closest friends is moderately to severely (depending on the state of her corneas at that moment) visually-impaired, so I'd want to lay down a smooth path for her everywhere she might want to go. That kind of thing ends up costing a lot. Hopefully I could save on swag.
posted by praemunire at 11:42 AM on July 11, 2023 [10 favorites]
There's a New Hampshire-based company airing amusing radio spots on WXRV: The River asking would-be couples planning their perfect day to think about where their wedding guests will go.
The company rents port-a-potties.
Having been to one outdoor wedding where the only expense that was spared was only having two portable toilets for 100+ guests along with a single hand-washing station which mercifully didn't run out of water until after dinner, I consider this advertisement to be a public service announcement.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:42 AM on July 11, 2023 [13 favorites]
The company rents port-a-potties.
Having been to one outdoor wedding where the only expense that was spared was only having two portable toilets for 100+ guests along with a single hand-washing station which mercifully didn't run out of water until after dinner, I consider this advertisement to be a public service announcement.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:42 AM on July 11, 2023 [13 favorites]
"The average wedding in America costs about $30,000." False. The mean cost of a subset of disproportionally expensive weddings was $30,000.
The median cost of the was roughly 2/3 of that, and the real median and mean are certainly substantially lower. Folks who have cake in the church basement generally aren't responding to the Knot survey.
Our wedding was pricey, though way cheaper than average. But we managed to keep our combined clothing budget at about $100 (yay garage sales!)
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:44 AM on July 11, 2023 [16 favorites]
The median cost of the was roughly 2/3 of that, and the real median and mean are certainly substantially lower. Folks who have cake in the church basement generally aren't responding to the Knot survey.
Our wedding was pricey, though way cheaper than average. But we managed to keep our combined clothing budget at about $100 (yay garage sales!)
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:44 AM on July 11, 2023 [16 favorites]
Weddings Georg, who lives in a cave & spends 3 million $ on weddings each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.
posted by RobotHero at 11:48 AM on July 11, 2023 [45 favorites]
posted by RobotHero at 11:48 AM on July 11, 2023 [45 favorites]
My wife's niece married into a rich family. They recently went to a gender reveal party for a high school friend that involved a helicopter spraying the gender color while the party was held on a yacht.
I can see the value in hiring an expensive wedding planner, if you have the means: at this niece's wedding, the flowers didn't arrive until the wedding was 30 minutes from starting.
At my sister's wedding, the cake was deformed and hideous - the maker said it was damaged in transport. You'd expect the wedding planner to take care of that stuff for you. In both cases, they wilted like old roses when faced with some pressure.
It's a lot of people for a person to coordinate, who is also perhaps getting married or emotional because their daughter or son is marrying.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:49 AM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I can see the value in hiring an expensive wedding planner, if you have the means: at this niece's wedding, the flowers didn't arrive until the wedding was 30 minutes from starting.
At my sister's wedding, the cake was deformed and hideous - the maker said it was damaged in transport. You'd expect the wedding planner to take care of that stuff for you. In both cases, they wilted like old roses when faced with some pressure.
It's a lot of people for a person to coordinate, who is also perhaps getting married or emotional because their daughter or son is marrying.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:49 AM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
We spent about $10k on our wedding, but part of the reason for that was that it was one of my late mother's regrets that she didn't have a wedding ceremony, so I wanted one for that reason. And while yes, I used a planner, her services were reasonable, needed because we were getting married in a city four hours away, and she went above and beyond ferrying me to an urgent care clinic when I got the mother of all toothaches.
posted by NoxAeternum at 11:52 AM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by NoxAeternum at 11:52 AM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
It's a lot of people for a person to coordinate, who is also perhaps getting married or emotional because their daughter or son is marrying.
The other way of solving the problem is to just not make weddings into expensive, high pressure, everything-must-be-perfect, status-pageants.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:54 AM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
The other way of solving the problem is to just not make weddings into expensive, high pressure, everything-must-be-perfect, status-pageants.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:54 AM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
MetaFilter: That's what the indoors are for!
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:59 AM on July 11, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:59 AM on July 11, 2023 [17 favorites]
More grumpybeary 69 wedding trivia:
- Our venue, which no longer exists, was an underground party space at an old factory, and had been used by the Coen Brothers as a set from one of their movies. The proprietor kindly asked the film crew to not disassemble the sets, and as a result it was filled with fake brick arches and real church pew seating.
- I hated fondant way before it was fashionable, and as a result our wedding cake was all buttercream. The woman who made our cake was a cupcake person and made absolutely the most amazing, mind-blowing cupcakes, so it was super delicious. But it also kind of deformed in transport, and so was weird and crooked. Thankfully I had already had a dream about it being weird and crooked, so instead of being upset, I was delighted that my precognitive abilities had been validated.
- The venue was across the street from a methodone clinic and the entryway often smelled of pee. One of the guests who lived nearby apparently Febreeze'd the stench away on the day of the wedding. Thank you, guest!
- The metaphor that came to mind once the wedding began and I was forced to transition from wedding planner to groom was that of having to build a roller coaster with no roller coaster building experience, and then being forced to ride it.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:01 PM on July 11, 2023 [13 favorites]
- Our venue, which no longer exists, was an underground party space at an old factory, and had been used by the Coen Brothers as a set from one of their movies. The proprietor kindly asked the film crew to not disassemble the sets, and as a result it was filled with fake brick arches and real church pew seating.
- I hated fondant way before it was fashionable, and as a result our wedding cake was all buttercream. The woman who made our cake was a cupcake person and made absolutely the most amazing, mind-blowing cupcakes, so it was super delicious. But it also kind of deformed in transport, and so was weird and crooked. Thankfully I had already had a dream about it being weird and crooked, so instead of being upset, I was delighted that my precognitive abilities had been validated.
- The venue was across the street from a methodone clinic and the entryway often smelled of pee. One of the guests who lived nearby apparently Febreeze'd the stench away on the day of the wedding. Thank you, guest!
- The metaphor that came to mind once the wedding began and I was forced to transition from wedding planner to groom was that of having to build a roller coaster with no roller coaster building experience, and then being forced to ride it.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:01 PM on July 11, 2023 [13 favorites]
As long as we are going to have rich people, I enthusiastically support them spending their money instead of sleeping on a giant pile of it like a dragon in a fairytale. Go forth and wed lavishly!
posted by prefpara at 12:02 PM on July 11, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 12:02 PM on July 11, 2023 [17 favorites]
I suppose the advantage of having a wedding planner is that you don’t end up with half the friends who were going to help with setup not being able to make it due to COVID or other illness, so you don’t end up over-tired and extra stressed when your mother, who is secretly upset that she wasn’t involved in the planning but who didn’t want to do any of the stuff that you told her ahead of time you actually needed help with, decides she’s going to just make arbitrary decisions about how to set things up without consulting you on the morning of your little community centre event, and you don’t end up having to call friends to manage that situation while you are simultaneously trying to pick up the food and change into your dress, and ending up forgetting to change your shoes out of the flip flops that don’t at all match the dress, and forgetting to download the music playlist that you had spent a few hours creating for the event (since there’s no wifi nor sufficient cell signal at the rural community centre).
But even so, there’s an upper limit to reasonable wedding costs.
posted by eviemath at 12:02 PM on July 11, 2023 [7 favorites]
But even so, there’s an upper limit to reasonable wedding costs.
posted by eviemath at 12:02 PM on July 11, 2023 [7 favorites]
I got married last week, elopement style. No wedding-industrial complex for us!
But… I’ve also been to weekend-long destination weddings much more complicated than I would ever dream of having (or planning!) myself, and where I and seemingly everyone had a great time. There’s a lot of room between minimal weddings and the sort of absurdities described in the article, and there are a lot of worse things to spend your money on than making your wedding the way you want it.
posted by doubtfulpalace at 12:14 PM on July 11, 2023 [14 favorites]
But… I’ve also been to weekend-long destination weddings much more complicated than I would ever dream of having (or planning!) myself, and where I and seemingly everyone had a great time. There’s a lot of room between minimal weddings and the sort of absurdities described in the article, and there are a lot of worse things to spend your money on than making your wedding the way you want it.
posted by doubtfulpalace at 12:14 PM on July 11, 2023 [14 favorites]
Another example of "planned our own wedding" here, except it was two "weddings", kind of. The official one, held over a weekend in MacKenzie Bridge, OR, and then another party back in NY for friends who couldn't make it to the Oregon one. In both cases, we imposed upon our guests to help with decorations, cooking, etc. (our actual reception meals were catered, thank god, but friends made our cakes, and everyone pitched in for all the other meals surrounding the long weekend out in the woods.)
For the NY party the venue we got (for a steal, honestly) had a stage, and our friend group out there has a history of putting on their own talent shows, so we included that, with musical performances and other nonsense from the crowd all night. It was awesome. (In Oregon we hired a local energetic soul band who slapped ass but also mightily pissed off my wife by ending with an otherwise very good rendition of "Get Lucky" over which the bandleader kept interjecting "[Navelgazer]'s gettin' lucky tonight!)
We had an amazing photographer who we hired off of a friend's recommendation. She was out of Montana but specialized in "candid" shots and in fact had a hard limit on the number of staged photos she would take (which was fine with us) but was amazing at capturing people's emotions in the moment. She also had a requirement that we do several zoom sessions with her beforehand so that she could get to know us better, which doubled as a sort of pre-marriage counseling.
It was a ton of work, not just for us but for our guests. But it was also awesome. There were fights, and general ridiculousness from people who should have known better, and one terrifying car accident where thankfully nobody was hurt, but it was great.
But we also learned early on that when making those phone calls, don't say the word "wedding" if you can help it. If pressed, say "family reunion."
posted by Navelgazer at 12:15 PM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
For the NY party the venue we got (for a steal, honestly) had a stage, and our friend group out there has a history of putting on their own talent shows, so we included that, with musical performances and other nonsense from the crowd all night. It was awesome. (In Oregon we hired a local energetic soul band who slapped ass but also mightily pissed off my wife by ending with an otherwise very good rendition of "Get Lucky" over which the bandleader kept interjecting "[Navelgazer]'s gettin' lucky tonight!)
We had an amazing photographer who we hired off of a friend's recommendation. She was out of Montana but specialized in "candid" shots and in fact had a hard limit on the number of staged photos she would take (which was fine with us) but was amazing at capturing people's emotions in the moment. She also had a requirement that we do several zoom sessions with her beforehand so that she could get to know us better, which doubled as a sort of pre-marriage counseling.
It was a ton of work, not just for us but for our guests. But it was also awesome. There were fights, and general ridiculousness from people who should have known better, and one terrifying car accident where thankfully nobody was hurt, but it was great.
But we also learned early on that when making those phone calls, don't say the word "wedding" if you can help it. If pressed, say "family reunion."
posted by Navelgazer at 12:15 PM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
My wife and I planned our own wedding as well. It _probably_ cost around 20,000 or so, but that's because the wedding involved a train tour of North America and 14 small parties mostly set up by friends, as well as one bigger party here in Sweden for the locals.
The actual wedding was just our two immediate families; 19 people in all, we rented a small cafe for the evening who decorated and catered it for us. All in all, it was perfect.
Except the photos, we didn't get those until we sued the photographer a year later. But that's another story.
posted by vernondalhart at 12:21 PM on July 11, 2023
The actual wedding was just our two immediate families; 19 people in all, we rented a small cafe for the evening who decorated and catered it for us. All in all, it was perfect.
Except the photos, we didn't get those until we sued the photographer a year later. But that's another story.
posted by vernondalhart at 12:21 PM on July 11, 2023
For us, the main aspects of hiring a planner were:
* The planner we hired was also a licensed officiant, so she offered a package that included planning and setup as well as ceremony services.
* We were getting married in a city some distance away, so she could act as our agent with vendors there.
* In addition, she knew the lay of the land much better than we did,and so we relied on her network of known vendors.
* Again, she was able to deal with unforseen circumstances, like when on a trip to meet vendors I got a toothache that left me in pain, leaving her and my now wife to handle interviews.
Planners can be amazing - in the right circumstances.
posted by NoxAeternum at 12:22 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
* The planner we hired was also a licensed officiant, so she offered a package that included planning and setup as well as ceremony services.
* We were getting married in a city some distance away, so she could act as our agent with vendors there.
* In addition, she knew the lay of the land much better than we did,and so we relied on her network of known vendors.
* Again, she was able to deal with unforseen circumstances, like when on a trip to meet vendors I got a toothache that left me in pain, leaving her and my now wife to handle interviews.
Planners can be amazing - in the right circumstances.
posted by NoxAeternum at 12:22 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
My current wife and I got married at the courthouse, with our children, ages 5, 7, and 14, in attendance, and my parents as witnesses; the children were each given a flower to hold by Grandma, so of course the youngest two immediately started swordfighting with them, and while waiting for the judge to arrive the youngest threw himself on the ground with the declaration "I HATE WEDDINGS". My wife was so nervous/excited she wore her sunglasses through the entire ceremony.
We had our reception at "The Best Barn In The World" according to our children, a classic midwest Dairy Queen, a barn-shaped building with no indoor seating about 10 blocks from the courthouse. Wife and I were late because we had to run home to get a safety pin, because her dress strap broke as we were leaving the courthouse.
Best wedding ever.
posted by AzraelBrown at 12:39 PM on July 11, 2023 [15 favorites]
We had our reception at "The Best Barn In The World" according to our children, a classic midwest Dairy Queen, a barn-shaped building with no indoor seating about 10 blocks from the courthouse. Wife and I were late because we had to run home to get a safety pin, because her dress strap broke as we were leaving the courthouse.
Best wedding ever.
posted by AzraelBrown at 12:39 PM on July 11, 2023 [15 favorites]
This article made me certain that if I were to ever (in unfortunate case of death or divorce) to get married again, I'll be serving piles of hoagies and folks can call out for which sort of roasted plutocrat they want inside, because jesus. effing. christ.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 12:49 PM on July 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by wellifyouinsist at 12:49 PM on July 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
We got married because of health insurance and also assumed that Trump was going to do away with marriage rights. Neither one of us wanted a wedding. I have never attended a wedding that wasn't stressful. Our priorities were paperwork and cake so total cost was about $150 plus a plane ticket for me to get out there (we had been long distance for a while for job reasons.) I also bought a ring at Walmart for $18, because I wanted a wedding ring.
Our officiant brought a friend and they decided to do ba gua, which is a tai chi-related thing that sort of looks like you're doing kung fu moves at air currents. We were not informed that this would happen so both of us are looking at each other like "I love you so much and ALSO we MUST NOT laugh."
We got married at a little pull out area on the highway near Turnagain Arm and spent about the same amount of money on the license as on the cake, which was delicious. A child guest set her cake down during the ceremony, and out of the corner of my eye while we're being kung fu'd at, I see the dog (who was the best man) look at the cake, look at us, look at the cake...look at us...and then GOBBLE THE CAKE DOWN WITH GREAT SPEED and slowly back away like he didn't do anything. We had to distract the child guest until we could speedily cut her a new slice of cake to take home. I think the dog still thinks he got away with it.
posted by blnkfrnk at 12:50 PM on July 11, 2023 [21 favorites]
Our officiant brought a friend and they decided to do ba gua, which is a tai chi-related thing that sort of looks like you're doing kung fu moves at air currents. We were not informed that this would happen so both of us are looking at each other like "I love you so much and ALSO we MUST NOT laugh."
We got married at a little pull out area on the highway near Turnagain Arm and spent about the same amount of money on the license as on the cake, which was delicious. A child guest set her cake down during the ceremony, and out of the corner of my eye while we're being kung fu'd at, I see the dog (who was the best man) look at the cake, look at us, look at the cake...look at us...and then GOBBLE THE CAKE DOWN WITH GREAT SPEED and slowly back away like he didn't do anything. We had to distract the child guest until we could speedily cut her a new slice of cake to take home. I think the dog still thinks he got away with it.
posted by blnkfrnk at 12:50 PM on July 11, 2023 [21 favorites]
I guess that night be exactly what these guys are doing too, they're just not on the kitchen themselves for their weekends either.
Yeah, exactly.
My wife and I spent a whole bunch of money to get married in Palm Springs, and we traded most of that money for time and ease of mind.
The planning leading up to it took some work in deciding what we wanted, but day-of we and (most importantly) 165 of our friends and family had zero involvement in actually running the wedding. I’m sure there problems that had to be solved, but none of them ever got close to me our bride. I didn’t wear a watch or carry a phone (no need), and neither did my wife.
That same year good friends of ours also got married in Palm Springs and did every piece of it themselves to save money. With less than 24 hours to go, the groom was at Costco buying the (in retrospect not enough) booze, and he almost missed getting to the county office in time to get the license.
I’ll give everyone one guess which wedding ended with various family members and close friends yelling at each other about who was to blame for all the various issues that came up during the reception.
posted by Back At It Again At Krispy Kreme at 12:54 PM on July 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
Yeah, exactly.
My wife and I spent a whole bunch of money to get married in Palm Springs, and we traded most of that money for time and ease of mind.
The planning leading up to it took some work in deciding what we wanted, but day-of we and (most importantly) 165 of our friends and family had zero involvement in actually running the wedding. I’m sure there problems that had to be solved, but none of them ever got close to me our bride. I didn’t wear a watch or carry a phone (no need), and neither did my wife.
That same year good friends of ours also got married in Palm Springs and did every piece of it themselves to save money. With less than 24 hours to go, the groom was at Costco buying the (in retrospect not enough) booze, and he almost missed getting to the county office in time to get the license.
I’ll give everyone one guess which wedding ended with various family members and close friends yelling at each other about who was to blame for all the various issues that came up during the reception.
posted by Back At It Again At Krispy Kreme at 12:54 PM on July 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
I’ve also been to weekend-long destination weddings much more complicated than I would ever dream of having (or planning!) myself, and where I and seemingly everyone had a great time. There’s a lot of room between minimal weddings and the sort of absurdities described in the article, and there are a lot of worse things to spend your money on than making your wedding the way you want it.
Honestly, I think the biggest key to the success of a wedding is how much love there is among the couple getting married, and among the families.
My brother had a somewhat tony wedding; his in-laws are pretty well-off (he was an investment banker, she was an interior decorator; my sister-in-law is the youngest of five kids who went to private schools), but they also all really had their priorities straight; they are lovely, gregarious people who reached out to my parents to hang out with them shortly after the kids got engaged. And H, my sister-in-law's dad, instantly bonded with my own Dad with a series of in-jokes about "exactly what part of the ceremony do we trade goats" or whatever. So the wedding was in the back yard of their Vermont House (a gorgeous little house overlooking a lake), and they booked up a whole lot of rooms at a nearby ski resort for people to stay at (it was summer and it was the off-season), and....then just kinda kept things simple, and focused on making sure the kids were supported with whatever they wanted.
And yeah, they did have a whole lot of pre-wedding parties and post-wedding parties and breakfasts and teas and...but that wasn't anything Laura insisted on. Rather, she'd started using that as a way to channel the absolutely HUGE number of offers of "help" she was getting from grandparents and cousins and aunts and great-aunts and godmothers and what-not. Laura wanted something fairly simple, and so instead of letting great-Aunt June or whoever help out with the main wedding and potentially butt heads with her, Laura suggested Great-Aunt June could team up with Aunt Elise and co-host a brunch beforehand where they called all the shots. I think one aunt on Long Island got dibs on the bridal shower, another aunt got dibs on the bridal-shower afterparty, there was a pre-wedding breakfast, a post-wedding breakfast, a pre-rehearsal-dinner breakfast, a rehearsal-dinner afterparty, and a bunch of other spontaneous parties here and there.
And so instead of any kind of overly-produced pageant where the guests all had to worry about coordinating the release of doves or anything like that, the Main Event was a lovely gathering to celebrate a lovely and visibly-delighted young bride and groom, in the company of people we'd just spent the past couple days catching up with or getting to know, where we all swapped jokes and told stories and melded two families into one big happy group - and honestly, that's the point of a wedding, yeah? And that's why my brother's wedding was one of the best ones I've ever been to - everyone remembered that that was the point and we had one HELL of a great time.
...Full disclaimer that my own role in the wedding was just to give one of the readings - so I was spared all of the other last-minute planning and fetching and carrying. I went up three days before the wedding just in case, but while my brother and parents were getting pulled into occasional last-minute detail wrangling, I just hung out in the hotel and went on a hike and went to an alpaca farm or something. Honestly, "sister of the groom" is probably one of the best roles to have in a wedding party because you don't have to do a whole hell of a lot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:12 PM on July 11, 2023 [14 favorites]
Honestly, I think the biggest key to the success of a wedding is how much love there is among the couple getting married, and among the families.
My brother had a somewhat tony wedding; his in-laws are pretty well-off (he was an investment banker, she was an interior decorator; my sister-in-law is the youngest of five kids who went to private schools), but they also all really had their priorities straight; they are lovely, gregarious people who reached out to my parents to hang out with them shortly after the kids got engaged. And H, my sister-in-law's dad, instantly bonded with my own Dad with a series of in-jokes about "exactly what part of the ceremony do we trade goats" or whatever. So the wedding was in the back yard of their Vermont House (a gorgeous little house overlooking a lake), and they booked up a whole lot of rooms at a nearby ski resort for people to stay at (it was summer and it was the off-season), and....then just kinda kept things simple, and focused on making sure the kids were supported with whatever they wanted.
And yeah, they did have a whole lot of pre-wedding parties and post-wedding parties and breakfasts and teas and...but that wasn't anything Laura insisted on. Rather, she'd started using that as a way to channel the absolutely HUGE number of offers of "help" she was getting from grandparents and cousins and aunts and great-aunts and godmothers and what-not. Laura wanted something fairly simple, and so instead of letting great-Aunt June or whoever help out with the main wedding and potentially butt heads with her, Laura suggested Great-Aunt June could team up with Aunt Elise and co-host a brunch beforehand where they called all the shots. I think one aunt on Long Island got dibs on the bridal shower, another aunt got dibs on the bridal-shower afterparty, there was a pre-wedding breakfast, a post-wedding breakfast, a pre-rehearsal-dinner breakfast, a rehearsal-dinner afterparty, and a bunch of other spontaneous parties here and there.
And so instead of any kind of overly-produced pageant where the guests all had to worry about coordinating the release of doves or anything like that, the Main Event was a lovely gathering to celebrate a lovely and visibly-delighted young bride and groom, in the company of people we'd just spent the past couple days catching up with or getting to know, where we all swapped jokes and told stories and melded two families into one big happy group - and honestly, that's the point of a wedding, yeah? And that's why my brother's wedding was one of the best ones I've ever been to - everyone remembered that that was the point and we had one HELL of a great time.
...Full disclaimer that my own role in the wedding was just to give one of the readings - so I was spared all of the other last-minute planning and fetching and carrying. I went up three days before the wedding just in case, but while my brother and parents were getting pulled into occasional last-minute detail wrangling, I just hung out in the hotel and went on a hike and went to an alpaca farm or something. Honestly, "sister of the groom" is probably one of the best roles to have in a wedding party because you don't have to do a whole hell of a lot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:12 PM on July 11, 2023 [14 favorites]
I remember part of the challenge/game of planning a semi-destination wedding (within the continental US) was finding a place my now-ex an I both liked that was just inconvenient enough to discourage the right number of people we “had” to invitee from coming.
posted by gottabefunky at 1:14 PM on July 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by gottabefunky at 1:14 PM on July 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
The other way of solving the problem is to just not make weddings into expensive, high pressure, everything-must-be-perfect, status-pageants.
Anyone who knows me will tell you how little talent or patience I have for formality, but for many people, their wedding is one of the most beautiful, solemn, and happiest days of their life. As long as you're not crippling your household financially before you even get started, I just can't convince myself that it's wrong--not mandatory!--to hold celebrations at a level reflecting that.
Now. I knew someone in college whose parents hired trumpeters to announce with a fanfare the return of the couple to the party. But, well. Money can't buy common sense.
posted by praemunire at 1:20 PM on July 11, 2023 [11 favorites]
Anyone who knows me will tell you how little talent or patience I have for formality, but for many people, their wedding is one of the most beautiful, solemn, and happiest days of their life. As long as you're not crippling your household financially before you even get started, I just can't convince myself that it's wrong--not mandatory!--to hold celebrations at a level reflecting that.
Now. I knew someone in college whose parents hired trumpeters to announce with a fanfare the return of the couple to the party. But, well. Money can't buy common sense.
posted by praemunire at 1:20 PM on July 11, 2023 [11 favorites]
I, OTOH, got married in a civil ceremony at the Chicago Cultural Center in a wonderful Tiffany Dome set-up.
IDK when your wedding was, but the prices to hold a wedding at the Chicago Cultural Center currently range from $12,000-$15,000 for 6 hours, just the room or rooms, 2 rooms for the bridal parties to get ready in, various administrative staff (including 2 off-duty police to serve as security), and basic black plastic chairs. No food, no bar, no tables, no linens, no decor.
posted by cooker girl at 1:32 PM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
IDK when your wedding was, but the prices to hold a wedding at the Chicago Cultural Center currently range from $12,000-$15,000 for 6 hours, just the room or rooms, 2 rooms for the bridal parties to get ready in, various administrative staff (including 2 off-duty police to serve as security), and basic black plastic chairs. No food, no bar, no tables, no linens, no decor.
posted by cooker girl at 1:32 PM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
I just want to note that there has been a shocking correlation in my relatively limited attendance of weddings between how lovely the gig was and how quickly the marriage subsequently tanked...the nicer the wedding, the shorter the marriage (record there is four months). Not sure what that's all about.
(I'm divorced, but my wedding was an elopement with a random passer-by dragged in to be the witness. Lasted 16 years, FWIW. I'm fairly certain my wife's mother never forgave us for "robbing" her of all of the prep and planning. God, it would have been awful.)
posted by maxwelton at 2:09 PM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
(I'm divorced, but my wedding was an elopement with a random passer-by dragged in to be the witness. Lasted 16 years, FWIW. I'm fairly certain my wife's mother never forgave us for "robbing" her of all of the prep and planning. God, it would have been awful.)
posted by maxwelton at 2:09 PM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
For me the real issue is that no one should have that much money, no matter how they spend it. If they had a courthouse wedding and devoted their off hours to swimming like Scrooge McDuck in a vault of greenbacks, I wouldn't like it any better.
There's a big, big difference between "we want to spend what is to us a lot of money on a one-time blowout" and "we have so much money, gained through exploitation and tax dodging, that we are going to build our own mini-golf course inside our air-conditioned outdoor pavilion and have our invitation envelopes lined in 24K gold so that our full-time instagrammer can post pictures of all the 1% types pigging down delicacies and sexually harassing the help".
I personally am not sure that I would want to spend, eg, $30,000 on a single day when that could be a downpayment on a house or I could spend part of it on a generous donation to, eg, a mutual aid group or an abortion fund, but at that level it's not really important. I mean, I also have a friend who has one of those $50,000 SUVs for reasons even though that's not super in line with their other values or their general class position, and that's not something I would want to nitpick about either.
posted by Frowner at 2:10 PM on July 11, 2023 [12 favorites]
There's a big, big difference between "we want to spend what is to us a lot of money on a one-time blowout" and "we have so much money, gained through exploitation and tax dodging, that we are going to build our own mini-golf course inside our air-conditioned outdoor pavilion and have our invitation envelopes lined in 24K gold so that our full-time instagrammer can post pictures of all the 1% types pigging down delicacies and sexually harassing the help".
I personally am not sure that I would want to spend, eg, $30,000 on a single day when that could be a downpayment on a house or I could spend part of it on a generous donation to, eg, a mutual aid group or an abortion fund, but at that level it's not really important. I mean, I also have a friend who has one of those $50,000 SUVs for reasons even though that's not super in line with their other values or their general class position, and that's not something I would want to nitpick about either.
posted by Frowner at 2:10 PM on July 11, 2023 [12 favorites]
Pre-covid you could get a cheap wedding ceremony ($10) at the cultural center, provided you were flexible about your dates.
posted by ghost phoneme at 2:15 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by ghost phoneme at 2:15 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
It's not a wedding reception unless it has wedding kazoos. That's all.
posted by scruss at 2:18 PM on July 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by scruss at 2:18 PM on July 11, 2023 [8 favorites]
I… didn’t think of the wedding kazoos. Why did I not think of the wedding kazoos? That would have been amazing.
posted by eviemath at 2:37 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by eviemath at 2:37 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
"The average wedding in America costs about $30,000." False.
The "average" young couple looking to get married is damn lucky to have a job that makes $30k a year. Any couple that prioritizes a wedding over a down payment is probably not mature enough to be married.
I know there are other countries that have lavish customs surrounding weddings. In talking with friends from other countries, it's our typical American consumerism driving the overpriced weddings.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:53 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
The "average" young couple looking to get married is damn lucky to have a job that makes $30k a year. Any couple that prioritizes a wedding over a down payment is probably not mature enough to be married.
I know there are other countries that have lavish customs surrounding weddings. In talking with friends from other countries, it's our typical American consumerism driving the overpriced weddings.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:53 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
My favorite wedding story is the couple who were customers at my store. They said they were getting married, and we all cheered for them. Then the families got involved, and my customers got increasingly stressed and morose. Then, one day, one of them came in, positively buoyant. “You look happy,” I noted. She showed me a ring “we got married yesterday.” “Um, isn’t the wedding at the end of the month?” “Yup, but we were so stressed, we went to the courthouse and did the important part for us. Now we just have the families’ hoops to jump through, and it’s all theater.” I hope they are still happy together.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:55 PM on July 11, 2023 [16 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:55 PM on July 11, 2023 [16 favorites]
Father-in-law's advice was "Spend more on the honeymoon than you do on the wedding." His point was that you actually remember the honeymoon, but you're too busy to remember the wedding.
Grand total was maybe $1000, 25 years ago. Rented a nondenominational chapel at our alma mater. Local bakery buttercream sheet cake, plus a small tier to cut for photos. Morning wedding, served lunch for the reception rather than dinner. Reception held at a Knights of Columbus hall. There was a framed photo of the pope on the wall, which amused me. Friend from high school did the photos. Music was a CD player and a stack of whatever discs anyone wanted to play. Everyone had fun. After the reception we went home, changed into something less formal, and met friends for dinner at a rooftop restaurant, where margaritas were served and the rest is hazy, because my glass apparently had all the tequila and none of the mix.
We spent more on the honeymoon, but not a lot more. Road trip, mostly camping. It was awesome. It didn't cost a lot. We're still married. If our son ever gets married, I know what advice I'm giving him.
posted by caution live frogs at 3:06 PM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
Grand total was maybe $1000, 25 years ago. Rented a nondenominational chapel at our alma mater. Local bakery buttercream sheet cake, plus a small tier to cut for photos. Morning wedding, served lunch for the reception rather than dinner. Reception held at a Knights of Columbus hall. There was a framed photo of the pope on the wall, which amused me. Friend from high school did the photos. Music was a CD player and a stack of whatever discs anyone wanted to play. Everyone had fun. After the reception we went home, changed into something less formal, and met friends for dinner at a rooftop restaurant, where margaritas were served and the rest is hazy, because my glass apparently had all the tequila and none of the mix.
We spent more on the honeymoon, but not a lot more. Road trip, mostly camping. It was awesome. It didn't cost a lot. We're still married. If our son ever gets married, I know what advice I'm giving him.
posted by caution live frogs at 3:06 PM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
having to build a roller coaster with no roller coaster building experience, and then being forced to ride it.
The analogy I've heard (and experienced, more than once, as a person in the business of sometimes providing certain specialized tech services for weddings) is that it's a complex, elaborate once-in-a-lifetime theater production being put on by people who have never ever ever done this before in their lives - not only have they not put on a theater production, they've never even been backstage to get a glimpse of what goes on.
But we also learned early on that when making those phone calls, don't say the word "wedding" if you can help it. If pressed, say "family reunion."
Which is why this, frankly, is kind of a dick move. Are people charging you more for wedding services? Yes. Yes we are. Because even in the days before social media was a gleam in Zuck's eye, weddings were often far more about aesthetics than practicality ("Does that speaker have to be there!!???" "Well, that's where your dance floor is, so yes, yes it does."), and there are often A LOT of BIG FEELINGS about weddings, and you personally might be a cool cat willing to shrug off the tiny glitches but nobody you're hiring knows that when you call us and anyone who's worked more than a couple weddings has seen someone LOSE THIER SHIT when the napkins aren't folded right and there are all sorts of practical considerations that the people organizing - yes, often even "professional" wedding planners - don't even know they have to think about, so as a service provider you try to load up with more stuff and more staff than you might need for a similar non-wedding gig because at some point you're going to be fucked without it and someone's gonna LOSE THEIR SHIT at you. This costs money.
And we're also billing you for the stress. If you lose half the sound and lights at a city neighborhood street festival because some teenager from the catering company plugged a coffee maker into the same circuit and tripped a breaker, it's, "Hahaha whoops, hey kid don't do that, go plug that thing in somewhere else." When that happens in the middle of the father-daughter dance nobody's laughing, and you might not get paid.
Mostly, my company doesn't work weddings anymore - even charging wedding premiums it's still not really worth it. Although we did get kind of stuck doing a luxury wedding about 18 months ago. The band (not from Cleveland - IIRC they just started calling area production companies they found via Google) called us out of the blue about providing a sound system for a wedding in a place that is NOT an event space as its main purpose, although they do events there, and so we know that 1) it costs an ungodly amount of money to rent just the venue let alone get all the necessary things like tables and chairs and etc etc etc and 2) there are all sorts of limitations about how and when and where you can load in and set up and store stuff. Knowing this, I gave them an "I don't really want to do this gig" extra-high price. Which they then agreed to without blinking an eye. *headdesk* "FUCK!@!"
And then just to add to the fun, the "professional luxury wedding planner" - a person probably much like the author of this piece - sent us an extremely detailed schedule for the weekend. It looked like the fucking plans for the Normandy invasion. Unfortunately, this "professional" (heavy sarcasm) had set up the schedule so that the tables, chairs, linens, place settings, all the catering necessities (for a guest list of around 500), a portable 24 foot by 20 foot stage, a sound system, the band and all the band equipment, about half the decorative lighting, and the flower arrangements and other decorations, including lounge furniture, would get loaded in and set up in the 2 hours between the venue closing its doors to the public and the start of the reception (which is when the ceremony proper was taking place outside.)
In a place with two loading docks and 1 freight elevator. Not gonna happen. Us and the catering company and the lighting company (who have all done multiple events before in this place) had to basically gang up on the Events Manager of the venue via Zoom and go "Yo! Have you seen this schedule !!!!????" Of course, the events manager is no dummy, so her response was *sigh* "Yeah, that's not gonna work even a little bit." So she then had to go back and argue with the wedding planner and her superiors at the venue about at least getting a bunch of the equipment into the building the night before, and the stage and lighting set up then too.
Ultimately, we really only made money on the gig because (for god knows what reason) the wedding planner had contracted with the lighting company to provide the portable stage. Which the lighting company didn't actually own, so they sub-contracted us to provide the stage . . . which we charged top dollar for.
posted by soundguy99 at 3:09 PM on July 11, 2023 [28 favorites]
The analogy I've heard (and experienced, more than once, as a person in the business of sometimes providing certain specialized tech services for weddings) is that it's a complex, elaborate once-in-a-lifetime theater production being put on by people who have never ever ever done this before in their lives - not only have they not put on a theater production, they've never even been backstage to get a glimpse of what goes on.
But we also learned early on that when making those phone calls, don't say the word "wedding" if you can help it. If pressed, say "family reunion."
Which is why this, frankly, is kind of a dick move. Are people charging you more for wedding services? Yes. Yes we are. Because even in the days before social media was a gleam in Zuck's eye, weddings were often far more about aesthetics than practicality ("Does that speaker have to be there!!???" "Well, that's where your dance floor is, so yes, yes it does."), and there are often A LOT of BIG FEELINGS about weddings, and you personally might be a cool cat willing to shrug off the tiny glitches but nobody you're hiring knows that when you call us and anyone who's worked more than a couple weddings has seen someone LOSE THIER SHIT when the napkins aren't folded right and there are all sorts of practical considerations that the people organizing - yes, often even "professional" wedding planners - don't even know they have to think about, so as a service provider you try to load up with more stuff and more staff than you might need for a similar non-wedding gig because at some point you're going to be fucked without it and someone's gonna LOSE THEIR SHIT at you. This costs money.
And we're also billing you for the stress. If you lose half the sound and lights at a city neighborhood street festival because some teenager from the catering company plugged a coffee maker into the same circuit and tripped a breaker, it's, "Hahaha whoops, hey kid don't do that, go plug that thing in somewhere else." When that happens in the middle of the father-daughter dance nobody's laughing, and you might not get paid.
Mostly, my company doesn't work weddings anymore - even charging wedding premiums it's still not really worth it. Although we did get kind of stuck doing a luxury wedding about 18 months ago. The band (not from Cleveland - IIRC they just started calling area production companies they found via Google) called us out of the blue about providing a sound system for a wedding in a place that is NOT an event space as its main purpose, although they do events there, and so we know that 1) it costs an ungodly amount of money to rent just the venue let alone get all the necessary things like tables and chairs and etc etc etc and 2) there are all sorts of limitations about how and when and where you can load in and set up and store stuff. Knowing this, I gave them an "I don't really want to do this gig" extra-high price. Which they then agreed to without blinking an eye. *headdesk* "FUCK!@!"
And then just to add to the fun, the "professional luxury wedding planner" - a person probably much like the author of this piece - sent us an extremely detailed schedule for the weekend. It looked like the fucking plans for the Normandy invasion. Unfortunately, this "professional" (heavy sarcasm) had set up the schedule so that the tables, chairs, linens, place settings, all the catering necessities (for a guest list of around 500), a portable 24 foot by 20 foot stage, a sound system, the band and all the band equipment, about half the decorative lighting, and the flower arrangements and other decorations, including lounge furniture, would get loaded in and set up in the 2 hours between the venue closing its doors to the public and the start of the reception (which is when the ceremony proper was taking place outside.)
In a place with two loading docks and 1 freight elevator. Not gonna happen. Us and the catering company and the lighting company (who have all done multiple events before in this place) had to basically gang up on the Events Manager of the venue via Zoom and go "Yo! Have you seen this schedule !!!!????" Of course, the events manager is no dummy, so her response was *sigh* "Yeah, that's not gonna work even a little bit." So she then had to go back and argue with the wedding planner and her superiors at the venue about at least getting a bunch of the equipment into the building the night before, and the stage and lighting set up then too.
Ultimately, we really only made money on the gig because (for god knows what reason) the wedding planner had contracted with the lighting company to provide the portable stage. Which the lighting company didn't actually own, so they sub-contracted us to provide the stage . . . which we charged top dollar for.
posted by soundguy99 at 3:09 PM on July 11, 2023 [28 favorites]
We planned our own, which ran about $20k for 100 people and just consisted of a party with family and friends at an art gallery. The wedding cake was a bunch of tres leches sheet cakes that were ordered from our favorite Mexican bakery. We hired caterers who brought in two roast pigs and sides for tacos or banh mi. Open bar for beer and wine. The actual wedding part of the event was literally 2 minutes long. We specified no gifts and just gave a list of charities, but some close friends got us some things that they knew we'd like and were highly personalized anyway, so we didn't end up with 10 toasters.
Everyone went home stuffed, drunk and happy and I don't really know what could have been better about it save us not doing so much of the work ourselves. We set up and tore down the tables and furnishings ourselves and we were *exhausted* by the end of it. Other than that my own wedding was my favorite wedding that I've ever been to.
posted by mikesch at 3:11 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Everyone went home stuffed, drunk and happy and I don't really know what could have been better about it save us not doing so much of the work ourselves. We set up and tore down the tables and furnishings ourselves and we were *exhausted* by the end of it. Other than that my own wedding was my favorite wedding that I've ever been to.
posted by mikesch at 3:11 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I still can't imagine the vast sums of $$ and pressure and stress that go in to "the wedding industry"
I was about to suggest it could use its own Jessica Mitford, but her book came out six decades ago and the funeral industry is still humming along nicely, sooo...
posted by non canadian guy at 3:19 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I was about to suggest it could use its own Jessica Mitford, but her book came out six decades ago and the funeral industry is still humming along nicely, sooo...
posted by non canadian guy at 3:19 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
We got married 23 years ago in Hawaii. We’d already planned to take the trip - we decided before we left to get married while we were there.
We spent $400 including the rings that we still wear.
So I’m at about an annual cost of $17.40? And it goes down every year!
But man my Mom was pissed. Mostly because this was my second elopement - I think it finally hit home she wasn’t gonna get to send me down the aisle in a fancy dress.
posted by hilaryjade at 3:23 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
We spent $400 including the rings that we still wear.
So I’m at about an annual cost of $17.40? And it goes down every year!
But man my Mom was pissed. Mostly because this was my second elopement - I think it finally hit home she wasn’t gonna get to send me down the aisle in a fancy dress.
posted by hilaryjade at 3:23 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
What a fascinating article about an utterly alien world. Our wedding was exactly what we wanted: A quick ceremony at the local depot/arts center, officiated by a family friend. Maybe 10 minutes, tops, of words and vows, bookended by Final Fantasy music, and with the FF7 victory fanfare punctuating the kiss. Reception was pizza from our favorite local pizza joint, with TVs playing Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution. The cake was from HyVee, covered in fondant video game sprites, and the baker said it's the most fun she's had making a cake. We could've afforded something much more expensive, but why? We're two chill dudes who like pizza and video games. That's it. That's our thing. Why do something that is so very not-us?
I suppose I'm happy that the giant, expensive, elaborate production weddings make some people happy, but I just cannot wrap my head around the idea.
posted by xedrik at 3:23 PM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
I suppose I'm happy that the giant, expensive, elaborate production weddings make some people happy, but I just cannot wrap my head around the idea.
posted by xedrik at 3:23 PM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
As the brother of a bride, I had less than zero responsibilities other than showing up.
My little sis and BIL just had an officiant, a photog, just our two nuclear families, and their dog. Hiked a half hour in a urban Provincial park, swapped rings, photos. Done.
It was misty and a little drizzly, if they weren't wearing wellingtons/ rainboots the pictures look like something straight out of 60's/70's Lord of the Rings paintings. (Definitely not on purpose, if not for the movies, they wouldn't know Frodo from She-Ra.)
Super low key. Then they had a party with friends.
posted by porpoise at 3:43 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
My little sis and BIL just had an officiant, a photog, just our two nuclear families, and their dog. Hiked a half hour in a urban Provincial park, swapped rings, photos. Done.
It was misty and a little drizzly, if they weren't wearing wellingtons/ rainboots the pictures look like something straight out of 60's/70's Lord of the Rings paintings. (Definitely not on purpose, if not for the movies, they wouldn't know Frodo from She-Ra.)
Super low key. Then they had a party with friends.
posted by porpoise at 3:43 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
We eloped to Hawaii in 1991. The wedding cost $800, and that included location overlooking a waterfall, limo to and from hotel, minister, two witnesses/ukulele players, cake, champagne, photographer, videographer, and photo album delivered to the hotel before we left. I think we spent $5000 total when you factor in flights from Atlanta and a week in HI.
We have never regretted it.
posted by COD at 3:57 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
We have never regretted it.
posted by COD at 3:57 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
Great stories here, just as I suspected. We also did pretty much everything on our own, booked a funky, kinda teetering, long-dispatched, old-school riverside venue for a bargain. I sprang for a word-class jazz quartet and salsa band 'cause I worked at a bar where every great band in the city played so we were friends and the music was among my highest priorities. Wife and her sis found amazingly beautiful dresses as < $100 dept store finds. Food came from a classic 50's chophouse a quarter mile down the road. Bar was full 'cause that was the second highest priority. Party went deep into the a.m. and we were the last ones to leave after the band loaded out and we were left hanging out in the deep dark on the riverside for one last silent dance. An aspiring photographer friend offered to document the festivities on the condition she could do it all in B&W and infrared. All I remember cost-wise was the in-laws repeatedly laughing about what they'd expected to pay. Left the next day for Rio and into the Amazon 'cause we both deeply yearned to see that before it was gone.
posted by thecincinnatikid at 4:07 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by thecincinnatikid at 4:07 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
She and her business partner had a nice business, but they weren’t handling A-list, royalty or Hollywood stars.Alwasy a bridesmaid blog
posted by Ideefixe at 4:17 PM on July 11, 2023
posted by Ideefixe at 4:17 PM on July 11, 2023
It might not be a coincidence that the fake poor bride had a mother who knew she was going to get drunk and Reveal All. How much comedy-based-on-lying comes from alcoholism? I don't speak as an expert, though. Let me know if this is reasonble.
A smaller thing that I'm sure of. Quail eggs are mentioned as part of a fancy hors d'oeuvre. They aren't expensive, they're just kind of cool, and I suppose they add a little extra handwork. They aren't like baby lamb chops or caviar or giant scallops.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 4:17 PM on July 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
A smaller thing that I'm sure of. Quail eggs are mentioned as part of a fancy hors d'oeuvre. They aren't expensive, they're just kind of cool, and I suppose they add a little extra handwork. They aren't like baby lamb chops or caviar or giant scallops.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 4:17 PM on July 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m all for rich people having amazing huge theatrical expensive weddings. As the article notes, all that money goes to caterers, florists, people who rent chairs out and people who drive trucks with port-a-potties...Spread that money out!
I will never personally plan or be in a wedding like the ones she discusses. If everyone were as boring as me, millions of people currently employed in the wedding industry would be out of work.
posted by Vatnesine at 4:37 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
I will never personally plan or be in a wedding like the ones she discusses. If everyone were as boring as me, millions of people currently employed in the wedding industry would be out of work.
posted by Vatnesine at 4:37 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
I loved the thread about how stupid luxury weddings create jobs.
posted by bendy at 5:38 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by bendy at 5:38 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I had a quick memory about a bizarre expectation from a bride.
A lot of my relatives are what I will kindly call “frugal”; my mom is an experienced seamstress.
My aunt got married 10? years ago and, to save money, bought a wedding dress from the thrift store in her tiny town. My aunt is like, 5’4” and 100 pounds, but she bought a size 18 dress and asked my mom to alter it so it would fit her.
posted by bendy at 5:46 PM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
A lot of my relatives are what I will kindly call “frugal”; my mom is an experienced seamstress.
My aunt got married 10? years ago and, to save money, bought a wedding dress from the thrift store in her tiny town. My aunt is like, 5’4” and 100 pounds, but she bought a size 18 dress and asked my mom to alter it so it would fit her.
posted by bendy at 5:46 PM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
We had a big standard bourgeois wedding that we probably spent too much on, with good food and good music and a nice location. Every so often since then I think about what we would have spent that money on - and I’ve never regretted it. First of all, it wasn’t my money - it was our parents’ money, they weren’t going to just cut us a giant check if we walked down to the courthouse. And second - if it hadn’t been a big fancy party, probably not everybody would have come. And if everybody hadn’t come, then everybody wouldn’t have had once last chance to see my beloved family member who died suddenly two months later.
That’s what it’s about.
posted by bq at 6:27 PM on July 11, 2023 [13 favorites]
That’s what it’s about.
posted by bq at 6:27 PM on July 11, 2023 [13 favorites]
I got married once. I kept repeating We are making vows about our lives and we want our friends and family to be there. We made the decision to get married on an island in Casco Bay so we could be at the ocean. Transport was nuts. I cared about having flowers and candles and good music and good food and my friends pitched in. It was a great event; I heard stories for years.
The most important thing I learned is that my family will make all sorts of demands that will consume a great deal of time and effort, with little to no benefit.
The article doesn't talk about love, affection, the meaning of marriage. The weddings are about the display of status, quite typical really. My response: Tax the Rich, then Tax Them More.
posted by theora55 at 7:01 PM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
The most important thing I learned is that my family will make all sorts of demands that will consume a great deal of time and effort, with little to no benefit.
The article doesn't talk about love, affection, the meaning of marriage. The weddings are about the display of status, quite typical really. My response: Tax the Rich, then Tax Them More.
posted by theora55 at 7:01 PM on July 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
Also, all y'all that have sites like AskMe and the Web have no idea what a pain it was to have a nontraditional wedding before the Web. I had some old copies of Bride's magazine, and, Nah.
posted by theora55 at 7:03 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 7:03 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
rtha and I famously had 4 weddings, two of which were in SF City Hall, one in a queer bookstore, and one in a park in the Berkeley hills. That was the only one that cost us more than the fees - there was a dress and a caterer and a DJ and a cake and so on - so our average wedding cost was pretty low. I planned most of it not via the Knot, but the alternative IndieBride (and I know some mefites from there, too) which was a much better website for us. The big friends and family one was the one I still think of as our Wedding. No planner, and a lot of help from our friends. The officiant was an ex of rtha's. The DJ and the person who sang during the ceremony were friends. We registered at REI and I'm still using a lot of the camping gear we got. A red-shouldered hawk sat on a branch and watched part of the ceremony. It was very US.
posted by gingerbeer at 7:20 PM on July 11, 2023 [28 favorites]
posted by gingerbeer at 7:20 PM on July 11, 2023 [28 favorites]
My wedding (guest/non-groom participant) stories include a trip to the local Italian consulate to serve as a character witness for a friend traveling from the U.S. to Italy to get married in secret.
Highlight: the impeccable appearance and demeanor of the consul general who stamped his approval on the paperwork; the man looked like he should be handing James Bond a passport and a stack of local currency.
Wedding #2 for the same couple was held locally with the parents knowledge.
Highlights: due to an uneven number of men and women in the wedding party, I entered the ceremony arm-in-arm with another groomsman (who I had just met), which got some murmurs from the crowd. I also wrestled with him over the airborne garter belt, which I did to help him look good in front of his wedding date. I did impress the only single bridesmaid by suavely providing a pack of tissues when she teared up during the speeches. My only regret was that I did not stay at the wedding hotel for a discounted price; the bridesmaid told me a few weeks later that she had a long, uneventful post-wedding evening by herself in her hotel room with a bottle of liquor. At least I still have the salmon-colored tie that I was assigned as a groomsman.
Wedding #3 was a low-key outdoor affair in a great venue, officiated by a local Universal Unitarian.
Highlights: While walking to the venue, a UC Berkeley jeep roared down the hilly road, with a recovering llama in the passenger seat craning its neck through the sunroof. The reception included two sharply-dressed men who looked like Owen Wilson and George Clooney; I commented that they could effectively attract people of their preferred gender (in a slightly cruder fashion).
posted by JDC8 at 7:40 PM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
Highlight: the impeccable appearance and demeanor of the consul general who stamped his approval on the paperwork; the man looked like he should be handing James Bond a passport and a stack of local currency.
Wedding #2 for the same couple was held locally with the parents knowledge.
Highlights: due to an uneven number of men and women in the wedding party, I entered the ceremony arm-in-arm with another groomsman (who I had just met), which got some murmurs from the crowd. I also wrestled with him over the airborne garter belt, which I did to help him look good in front of his wedding date. I did impress the only single bridesmaid by suavely providing a pack of tissues when she teared up during the speeches. My only regret was that I did not stay at the wedding hotel for a discounted price; the bridesmaid told me a few weeks later that she had a long, uneventful post-wedding evening by herself in her hotel room with a bottle of liquor. At least I still have the salmon-colored tie that I was assigned as a groomsman.
Wedding #3 was a low-key outdoor affair in a great venue, officiated by a local Universal Unitarian.
Highlights: While walking to the venue, a UC Berkeley jeep roared down the hilly road, with a recovering llama in the passenger seat craning its neck through the sunroof. The reception included two sharply-dressed men who looked like Owen Wilson and George Clooney; I commented that they could effectively attract people of their preferred gender (in a slightly cruder fashion).
posted by JDC8 at 7:40 PM on July 11, 2023 [4 favorites]
We agreed: When you have more money than God, what better way to spend some of it than to throw other people a luxuriously good time?
Offhand, you could have spent it on
-housing the unhoused
-health care for those lacking access to it
-paying off student loans
-a bunch of guillotines
posted by doctornemo at 7:42 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Offhand, you could have spent it on
-housing the unhoused
-health care for those lacking access to it
-paying off student loans
-a bunch of guillotines
posted by doctornemo at 7:42 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
"Go ahead and fight me, he said. “I’ll have so much fun spending my money suing you.”Rich people being cheapskates piss me off so much. That guy probably wipes his ass with more money than he was saving by stiffing the wedding planner.
I loved that the article pointed out that everyday people are making money by working at these lavish events. I used to work at a museum that was a popular venue for upscale weddings, and I got to talk to a lot of caterers and other workers who were very happy to have the business. The part about how the rise of the internet and social media ramped up the keeping-up-with-the-Joneses factor was also interesting. It's one of those things that ought to have been obvious, but I never really gave it a thought before.
I also loved that someone else mentioned Weddings Georg so I didn't have to.
I don't like so much that every wedding-related thread on this site quickly devolves into a bragging competition about how little everybody spent on their weddings, as if it made them better human beings or something.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:59 PM on July 11, 2023 [21 favorites]
I suppose I'm happy that the giant, expensive, elaborate production weddings make some people happy, but I just cannot wrap my head around the idea.
I can't wrap my head around the idea of professional sports, let alone the staggering amounts of money some people spend on it. It takes all kinds.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:11 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
I can't wrap my head around the idea of professional sports, let alone the staggering amounts of money some people spend on it. It takes all kinds.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:11 PM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
I don't like so much that every wedding-related thread on this site quickly devolves into a bragging competition about how little everybody spent on their weddings, as if it made them better human beings or something.
Yeah man is this the thread where I can talk about how my inexpensive DIY wedding sucked, and wasn't remotely what I would have wanted, it was stressful and chaotic and none of my closest friends or non-immediate relatives could even BE there because there was no space, and even my mother doesn't remember anything about it now?
I mean look I don't think I've ever been to a 900K wedding (I had to miss my college roommate's three-day Italian villa extravaganza with its own private fireworks display) but I've been to some pretty decent splashouts over the years and every last one of them was more fun and memorable to me than my own actual wedding. Maybe I just don't really know what love is or whatever but if I ever do remarry, I'm spending whatever it takes to wash that first wedding out of my hair.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:17 PM on July 11, 2023 [17 favorites]
Yeah man is this the thread where I can talk about how my inexpensive DIY wedding sucked, and wasn't remotely what I would have wanted, it was stressful and chaotic and none of my closest friends or non-immediate relatives could even BE there because there was no space, and even my mother doesn't remember anything about it now?
I mean look I don't think I've ever been to a 900K wedding (I had to miss my college roommate's three-day Italian villa extravaganza with its own private fireworks display) but I've been to some pretty decent splashouts over the years and every last one of them was more fun and memorable to me than my own actual wedding. Maybe I just don't really know what love is or whatever but if I ever do remarry, I'm spending whatever it takes to wash that first wedding out of my hair.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:17 PM on July 11, 2023 [17 favorites]
During my 20s and 30s, in that phase when all of my friends were getting married, I was a wedding officiant. My girlfriend at the time had signed us up for the Universal Light Church, and we wound up officiating one pair of friends' wedding. Then that led to a request from another couple, and another etc. It all started as a joke, but once I saw the sort of joy that these ceremonies gave my friends, I really started to take it seriously! So in addition to having that phase of life when every weekend in a summer would require me to be a guest at someone's wedding, I was also getting involved in helping plan others and talking about What A Wedding Means To Them. In addition, I was DJing on a streaming channel and in a local nightclub, so when I wasn't officiating I might instead be asked to spin at a friend's reception. I never charged more for these services than a few dinners to handle the planning and maybe a dinner around the date of their anniversary to relive the highlights.
Strangely, despite all of my experience helping others plan their weddings I never had a concrete idea of what my own wedding might be like. It felt presumptuous to imagine that before I met the person who I might marry.
I, myself, didn't get married until I was 42. My fiancee didn't want to plan a wedding, mostly because she didn't want to deal with the pressure and responsibility; but planning is a part of my day job and it's something that I'm good at.
So one day, I was home sick with a cold. Sick enough to not be at work but not so sick that I couldn't be bored. So I started looking at wedding venues. Then I started taking notes. Then I called one place. By dinner time, I had a spreadsheet. I guess I'm the one doing this.
It is a bit of trip being a cismale human with an androgynous first name and taking the lead in contacting venue organizers to arrange a site visit then going there with your wife, and then seeing the venue organizer's momentary confusion when they see this heterosexual couple when maybe they thought they were talking to a woman planning a wedding with their wife-to-be and are now unsure who exactly they were talking to.
Wedding planning solidified one very productive thing about my wife's and my decisionmaking chemistry. She doesn't want the responsibility of taking a blank canvas and having to build something out of nothing. I am happy to research a vast number of options, and filter down to a small set of possible choices, but I love having someone make the final decision with me.
I had always advised my couples to look at their wedding as a moment to express what a community means to them. If you just want the legal status, you can elope. You are having a wedding because you want your guests as accomplices in the conspiracy of your love, and you get to take the communities that you both relied on individually and get to make a new one as part of your union. So make the wedding be about what that means to you.
For us that meant that the wedding had to not just be about us but about our friends. We hired a band that we knew through our community and we paid them extra to work with a few friends who were going to take turns singing lead (and who we knew would do it well). Our photographer was another friend who had also been the official photographer at weddings that I had officiated. Our officiant was the minister that my wife had worked with for years while she was a deacon. Our centerpieces were wood carvings made by her dad.
Basically how do we have a weekend of parties where our friends and family can have the most amount of fun and also see their part of the community (friends, church, family, performers) represented in different aspects of the ceremony?
To the point about how this is an exercise in community trickle down economics, one of the gifts that I have most valued from the wedding was the relationships and connections that I got to build with some of the people we hired. The band that we hired still plays gigs professionally and we see their shows when we get a chance, and they've also volunteered to play in our yard during various community block parties. We're friends with the owners of the restaurant where we originally planned to have our rehearsal dinner, and unfortunately while that restaurant shut down and the owners are taking a break from restaurant world we get invited to give feedback on cooking and supper club experiments that they're working on. We'd be eating at another restaurant and the manager or bartender would ask us if we were the couple who had the wedding years ago with the brass band and the guests who were by turns goth and circus and Filipino, and we'd say yes and they'd say how much fun that was and how they felt really lucky to be part of it. Like, I don't care how our wedding stacks up against others hosted by my family or my wife's family, but as someone who, in a small way, has been involved in the wedding industrial complex, I just really care about being a good client.
posted by bl1nk at 8:22 PM on July 11, 2023 [15 favorites]
Strangely, despite all of my experience helping others plan their weddings I never had a concrete idea of what my own wedding might be like. It felt presumptuous to imagine that before I met the person who I might marry.
I, myself, didn't get married until I was 42. My fiancee didn't want to plan a wedding, mostly because she didn't want to deal with the pressure and responsibility; but planning is a part of my day job and it's something that I'm good at.
So one day, I was home sick with a cold. Sick enough to not be at work but not so sick that I couldn't be bored. So I started looking at wedding venues. Then I started taking notes. Then I called one place. By dinner time, I had a spreadsheet. I guess I'm the one doing this.
It is a bit of trip being a cismale human with an androgynous first name and taking the lead in contacting venue organizers to arrange a site visit then going there with your wife, and then seeing the venue organizer's momentary confusion when they see this heterosexual couple when maybe they thought they were talking to a woman planning a wedding with their wife-to-be and are now unsure who exactly they were talking to.
Wedding planning solidified one very productive thing about my wife's and my decisionmaking chemistry. She doesn't want the responsibility of taking a blank canvas and having to build something out of nothing. I am happy to research a vast number of options, and filter down to a small set of possible choices, but I love having someone make the final decision with me.
I had always advised my couples to look at their wedding as a moment to express what a community means to them. If you just want the legal status, you can elope. You are having a wedding because you want your guests as accomplices in the conspiracy of your love, and you get to take the communities that you both relied on individually and get to make a new one as part of your union. So make the wedding be about what that means to you.
For us that meant that the wedding had to not just be about us but about our friends. We hired a band that we knew through our community and we paid them extra to work with a few friends who were going to take turns singing lead (and who we knew would do it well). Our photographer was another friend who had also been the official photographer at weddings that I had officiated. Our officiant was the minister that my wife had worked with for years while she was a deacon. Our centerpieces were wood carvings made by her dad.
Basically how do we have a weekend of parties where our friends and family can have the most amount of fun and also see their part of the community (friends, church, family, performers) represented in different aspects of the ceremony?
To the point about how this is an exercise in community trickle down economics, one of the gifts that I have most valued from the wedding was the relationships and connections that I got to build with some of the people we hired. The band that we hired still plays gigs professionally and we see their shows when we get a chance, and they've also volunteered to play in our yard during various community block parties. We're friends with the owners of the restaurant where we originally planned to have our rehearsal dinner, and unfortunately while that restaurant shut down and the owners are taking a break from restaurant world we get invited to give feedback on cooking and supper club experiments that they're working on. We'd be eating at another restaurant and the manager or bartender would ask us if we were the couple who had the wedding years ago with the brass band and the guests who were by turns goth and circus and Filipino, and we'd say yes and they'd say how much fun that was and how they felt really lucky to be part of it. Like, I don't care how our wedding stacks up against others hosted by my family or my wife's family, but as someone who, in a small way, has been involved in the wedding industrial complex, I just really care about being a good client.
posted by bl1nk at 8:22 PM on July 11, 2023 [15 favorites]
The biggest shame in people having stupid expensive weddings is that not much of that expense helps anyone but other (slightly less) rich people. Those wedding planners designing $5M weddings are sliding a fair whack of all the cost into their own pockets.
But the whole thing is ridiculous and fake and disgusting. I wonder if there's a reverse correlation between how much the wedding cost and how long the marriage lasts?
My wife and I got married 2.5 years ago, but we actually planned two weddings. The first got canceled a week out because, of course, COVID and we lost most of the money we'd already paid for that. But most people supplying services (DJ etc) agreed to delay and not charge us for the second try. We did hire a wedding planner, but still did most of the work ourselves (decorated the reception venue, organised clothes, flowers etc and I even mowed the grass at the venue myself because it was looking a bit ragged the day before). We hired a wedding planner because it saved us money. For the things she arranged, she could get far better prices than us and the total of that was a cheaper wedding than we could have done ourselves without us having to manage all the stress of co-ordinating everything on the day.
We had a simple ceremony in the grounds of our church, with only about 40 people, presided over by our pastor, using our own and my soon-to-be sister-in law's classic cars driven by our kids, had a 'formal' reception with canapes and a Spotify playlist outside the Church Cafe, then booked a restaurant that evening for dinner where everyone was welcome to join us and pay for their own dinner. Everything went perfectly, everyone had a great time and nobody had to mortgage their house over it. It was a truly beautiful day, with just the right amount of formality (as a wedding should have), lots of laughter, hugs, genuine well-wishing and everyone that really mattered sharing it with us.
My eldest daughter had a 'destination' wedding in Thailand, mostly because it ensured they could invite absolutely everyone but only those that really cared about them would attend, so they didn't end up smeding money on freeloaders. They did create some confusion by sending out invitations that looked like boarding passes, so there were some disappointed people when they found out they'd have to actually buy a plane ticket. It was a wonderful few days, with the wedding date set, but no time so, once everyone felt like they were ready, the wedding started. Lots and lots of booze and dancing and hilarious photos and, again, just a perfect day without all the nonsense that so many people seem to think is mandatory.
Without exception, the very best weddings I've been to have been fairly simple, with the character of the couple shining through, rather than some fancy event that's been designed by someone that doesn't even know them.
posted by dg at 9:39 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
But the whole thing is ridiculous and fake and disgusting. I wonder if there's a reverse correlation between how much the wedding cost and how long the marriage lasts?
My wife and I got married 2.5 years ago, but we actually planned two weddings. The first got canceled a week out because, of course, COVID and we lost most of the money we'd already paid for that. But most people supplying services (DJ etc) agreed to delay and not charge us for the second try. We did hire a wedding planner, but still did most of the work ourselves (decorated the reception venue, organised clothes, flowers etc and I even mowed the grass at the venue myself because it was looking a bit ragged the day before). We hired a wedding planner because it saved us money. For the things she arranged, she could get far better prices than us and the total of that was a cheaper wedding than we could have done ourselves without us having to manage all the stress of co-ordinating everything on the day.
We had a simple ceremony in the grounds of our church, with only about 40 people, presided over by our pastor, using our own and my soon-to-be sister-in law's classic cars driven by our kids, had a 'formal' reception with canapes and a Spotify playlist outside the Church Cafe, then booked a restaurant that evening for dinner where everyone was welcome to join us and pay for their own dinner. Everything went perfectly, everyone had a great time and nobody had to mortgage their house over it. It was a truly beautiful day, with just the right amount of formality (as a wedding should have), lots of laughter, hugs, genuine well-wishing and everyone that really mattered sharing it with us.
My eldest daughter had a 'destination' wedding in Thailand, mostly because it ensured they could invite absolutely everyone but only those that really cared about them would attend, so they didn't end up smeding money on freeloaders. They did create some confusion by sending out invitations that looked like boarding passes, so there were some disappointed people when they found out they'd have to actually buy a plane ticket. It was a wonderful few days, with the wedding date set, but no time so, once everyone felt like they were ready, the wedding started. Lots and lots of booze and dancing and hilarious photos and, again, just a perfect day without all the nonsense that so many people seem to think is mandatory.
Without exception, the very best weddings I've been to have been fairly simple, with the character of the couple shining through, rather than some fancy event that's been designed by someone that doesn't even know them.
posted by dg at 9:39 PM on July 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Great article! Weddings are hyped to be "the happiest day of our lives" (for bride, groom, guests and family) - and I guess the job of a wedding planner is to try to stretch reality to match that impossible goal. The more money there is to spend on the wedding the greater the force being applied in the background to try to get there. So, no surprise to me that a luxury wedding planner should have both a spectacular public scrapbook of "happiest day" perfect images as well as a private set of super dark stories behind them.
posted by rongorongo at 1:56 AM on July 12, 2023
posted by rongorongo at 1:56 AM on July 12, 2023
We hired a band that we knew through our community and we paid them extra to work with a few friends who were going to take turns singing lead (and who we knew would do it well).
Oh, this is just reminding me of a highlight from my brother's wedding -
Our cousin Mike (the Berklee musician I mentioned above) pulled the band leader aside during dinner and talked him into springing a surprise on my brother. And so that's how halfway through the reception, Mike came up to sit in with the band. ...After telling a story about how he and my brother used to ride around on dirt bikes pretending they were Bo and Luke Duke, he lead the band in a spirited performance of the Dukes of Hazard theme song, and even finished with a spontaneous rewrite of the lyrics:
"Just two good ol' boys
Ridin' on their dirt bikes,
When we shot off fireworks, our dads didn't get TOO mad...."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:52 AM on July 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
Oh, this is just reminding me of a highlight from my brother's wedding -
Our cousin Mike (the Berklee musician I mentioned above) pulled the band leader aside during dinner and talked him into springing a surprise on my brother. And so that's how halfway through the reception, Mike came up to sit in with the band. ...After telling a story about how he and my brother used to ride around on dirt bikes pretending they were Bo and Luke Duke, he lead the band in a spirited performance of the Dukes of Hazard theme song, and even finished with a spontaneous rewrite of the lyrics:
"Just two good ol' boys
Ridin' on their dirt bikes,
When we shot off fireworks, our dads didn't get TOO mad...."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:52 AM on July 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
Vegas or nothing.
You got three separate groups of family members, one group's in the UK, one group's in Los Angeles, the other group is in goddamned Needles. No one has tons of money, so you get everyone in the same rinkydink motel in Vegas (thankfully mid-range and not a crack den). Two-thirds drive the way there. One-third gets a package deal (at the rinkydink motel so everyone else goes there too).
Your friends come. Some fly in on cheapo flights. Some drive up. One couple appears just for the wedding to say that the IRC chat room you met in has been represented at the event. Your friends take you out the night before to a buffet, and then you sit in your room reading early-90s X-Men comics that are your wedding present from one of your friends.
You go to the Tropicana, you get a pretty nice little wedding in a nice little chapel. Your granddad wins $25 from one of the quarter slots while you're waiting. He does not give you any.
Your mother insists on a reception, so you go "okay, vaguely Hawaiian themed, please." She rents the little rinkydink event room in the rinkydink motel, orders ham and a sheet cake with pineapple in it. There's no booze provided, strictly bring-your-own, because you're trying to not actively disinvite the barfly your father is currently dating, but at the same time, you know if there's no free booze, she won't be coming.
All your friends go and watch Bring It On after the wedding. You crash in your rinkydink motel room and order pizza. You forgot to take the ham from the reception. Everyone else gets to have leftover ham. You're not jealous. Honest.
The next day, you and your friends all go to the Star Trek Experience. Because you're all freakin' nerds and there are Holy Onion Rings of Betazed to be eaten.
All in all, not a bad little wedding. And it's worked for nearly 24 years, so can't complain.
posted by Katemonkey at 3:01 AM on July 12, 2023 [8 favorites]
You got three separate groups of family members, one group's in the UK, one group's in Los Angeles, the other group is in goddamned Needles. No one has tons of money, so you get everyone in the same rinkydink motel in Vegas (thankfully mid-range and not a crack den). Two-thirds drive the way there. One-third gets a package deal (at the rinkydink motel so everyone else goes there too).
Your friends come. Some fly in on cheapo flights. Some drive up. One couple appears just for the wedding to say that the IRC chat room you met in has been represented at the event. Your friends take you out the night before to a buffet, and then you sit in your room reading early-90s X-Men comics that are your wedding present from one of your friends.
You go to the Tropicana, you get a pretty nice little wedding in a nice little chapel. Your granddad wins $25 from one of the quarter slots while you're waiting. He does not give you any.
Your mother insists on a reception, so you go "okay, vaguely Hawaiian themed, please." She rents the little rinkydink event room in the rinkydink motel, orders ham and a sheet cake with pineapple in it. There's no booze provided, strictly bring-your-own, because you're trying to not actively disinvite the barfly your father is currently dating, but at the same time, you know if there's no free booze, she won't be coming.
All your friends go and watch Bring It On after the wedding. You crash in your rinkydink motel room and order pizza. You forgot to take the ham from the reception. Everyone else gets to have leftover ham. You're not jealous. Honest.
The next day, you and your friends all go to the Star Trek Experience. Because you're all freakin' nerds and there are Holy Onion Rings of Betazed to be eaten.
All in all, not a bad little wedding. And it's worked for nearly 24 years, so can't complain.
posted by Katemonkey at 3:01 AM on July 12, 2023 [8 favorites]
I loved that the article pointed out that everyday people are making money by working at these lavish events.
.
I loved the thread about how stupid luxury weddings create jobs.
.
As the article notes, all that money goes to caterers, florists, people who rent chairs out and people who drive trucks with port-a-potties...Spread that money out!
Was not expecting so many people celebrating expensive weddings as a great example of trickledown economics. I have no doubt a seven-figure wedding is a magical event, but I'd prefer a world where they don't exist because nobody can afford one.
But anyway, I'm more concerned with the pressure ordinary people feel to spend a lot on their wedding, which the article does cover. One of the more infuriating reality TV shows I watched during peak-pandemic was "Mortgage or Marriage," where a range of couples who were mostly either working class or lower middle class got to choose whether their savings (15k-35k, depending on the couple) would go towards their wedding or a mortgage. Spoiler alert, almost every couple picked the wedding option. Even the couple with kids currently living in a cramped two bedroom apartment.
I don't like so much that every wedding-related thread on this site quickly devolves into a bragging competition about how little everybody spent on their weddings, as if it made them better human beings or something.
Maybe some people in this thread are doing that, but I imagine many people's motivation is to push against the societal pressure that is clearly out there, to say "Look! It's possible to have a magical wedding without eating too much into your savings for a downpayment." Wanting to have a magical wedding is totally fine - but thinking you need to drop your annual salary in one night to achieve that is misinformed.
posted by coffeecat at 7:24 AM on July 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
.
I loved the thread about how stupid luxury weddings create jobs.
.
As the article notes, all that money goes to caterers, florists, people who rent chairs out and people who drive trucks with port-a-potties...Spread that money out!
Was not expecting so many people celebrating expensive weddings as a great example of trickledown economics. I have no doubt a seven-figure wedding is a magical event, but I'd prefer a world where they don't exist because nobody can afford one.
But anyway, I'm more concerned with the pressure ordinary people feel to spend a lot on their wedding, which the article does cover. One of the more infuriating reality TV shows I watched during peak-pandemic was "Mortgage or Marriage," where a range of couples who were mostly either working class or lower middle class got to choose whether their savings (15k-35k, depending on the couple) would go towards their wedding or a mortgage. Spoiler alert, almost every couple picked the wedding option. Even the couple with kids currently living in a cramped two bedroom apartment.
I don't like so much that every wedding-related thread on this site quickly devolves into a bragging competition about how little everybody spent on their weddings, as if it made them better human beings or something.
Maybe some people in this thread are doing that, but I imagine many people's motivation is to push against the societal pressure that is clearly out there, to say "Look! It's possible to have a magical wedding without eating too much into your savings for a downpayment." Wanting to have a magical wedding is totally fine - but thinking you need to drop your annual salary in one night to achieve that is misinformed.
posted by coffeecat at 7:24 AM on July 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
You know what would create really great jobs? If we taxed all those people with the $900,000 weddings and used the taxes to create unionized federal and state social services jobs with pension plans, vacation, sick time, regular hours and a standard raise schedule.
Then all those people who suddenly have stable, union jobs can spend their money on smaller weddings and employ anyone who would rather be a part-time caterer. I bet that taxing the rich and spending on well-paid jobs providing necessary services would in fact cause more of a multiplier effect because money would be in more hands and spent more diversely.
I mean, in a sense you can say "well, unless you are spending everything on social causes except the rent for a single room and the price of a bicycle while eating out of dumpsters, you are NO GOOD", but I still think it should be possible to draw a line somewhere between "if I save up I can throw a $30,000 party" and "a $900,000 wedding is a bagatelle, why not have the best".
Luxury weddings employ people, but that's just because spending money employs people, not because the money couldn't be used better for something else.
posted by Frowner at 7:51 AM on July 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
Then all those people who suddenly have stable, union jobs can spend their money on smaller weddings and employ anyone who would rather be a part-time caterer. I bet that taxing the rich and spending on well-paid jobs providing necessary services would in fact cause more of a multiplier effect because money would be in more hands and spent more diversely.
I mean, in a sense you can say "well, unless you are spending everything on social causes except the rent for a single room and the price of a bicycle while eating out of dumpsters, you are NO GOOD", but I still think it should be possible to draw a line somewhere between "if I save up I can throw a $30,000 party" and "a $900,000 wedding is a bagatelle, why not have the best".
Luxury weddings employ people, but that's just because spending money employs people, not because the money couldn't be used better for something else.
posted by Frowner at 7:51 AM on July 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
don't like so much that every wedding-related thread on this site quickly devolves into a bragging competition about how little everybody spent on their weddings, as if it made them better human beings or something.
Yeah, I felt a bit weird talking about my cheaper wedding. It wasn't me trying to be pretend I am better than my sister's 300+ people wedding; it was that everyone is different, but women are expected to want the grand wedding when they do marry. I really wanted to elope to not have to deal with having to plan a wedding, but my then fiance said it would hurt his parents' feelings if we did that so we didn't. (My parents didn't care either way; they were just happy I was happy).
Weddings can be as complicated or simple as one likes. Because that's what it comes down to, or should: if you choose to have one, make sure it's what you want and not what your parents or society expects to have. The wedding is supposed to be a celebration of two wacky kids that found each other (YMMV), not how many place settings or if your cockapoo should wear a top hat and carry the rings (again, YMMV).
posted by Kitteh at 8:01 AM on July 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I felt a bit weird talking about my cheaper wedding. It wasn't me trying to be pretend I am better than my sister's 300+ people wedding; it was that everyone is different, but women are expected to want the grand wedding when they do marry. I really wanted to elope to not have to deal with having to plan a wedding, but my then fiance said it would hurt his parents' feelings if we did that so we didn't. (My parents didn't care either way; they were just happy I was happy).
Weddings can be as complicated or simple as one likes. Because that's what it comes down to, or should: if you choose to have one, make sure it's what you want and not what your parents or society expects to have. The wedding is supposed to be a celebration of two wacky kids that found each other (YMMV), not how many place settings or if your cockapoo should wear a top hat and carry the rings (again, YMMV).
posted by Kitteh at 8:01 AM on July 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Was not expecting so many people celebrating expensive weddings as a great example of trickledown economics.
Yup. I can guaran-damn-tee that a fuckload of people working weddings as, like, servers, or the folks who set up tables & chairs, or tents, or whatever, are not being paid well, and many of them are retirees needing to supplement Social Security, or pick up these gigs because they need second or third jobs to make ends meet, and they can work the occasional wedding gig around their existing schedules. Is some work and income better than none? Sure, I guess, but let's not pretend this is all fistfuls of money thrown wildly at the grandma filling the water glasses.
Luxury weddings employ people, but that's just because spending money employs people, not because the money couldn't be used better for something else.
Here's a wacky socialist idea - we could use that money collected from an equitable taxation scenario and use some of it to do things like throw neighborhood parties, and regional arts and culture events, and foodie events, and concerts, and dance recitals, and it's free or cheap to the public, and TA DA, suddenly there's plenty of work and good pay for the companies and people who provide tables and chairs and tents and sound systems and stages and catering, no relying on the largesse of rich individuals burning money because they can.
(As opposed to the current situation, where the folks organizing such public/nonprofit events need to pinch every penny and go begging to rich foundations and corporations for funding.)
posted by soundguy99 at 9:27 AM on July 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yup. I can guaran-damn-tee that a fuckload of people working weddings as, like, servers, or the folks who set up tables & chairs, or tents, or whatever, are not being paid well, and many of them are retirees needing to supplement Social Security, or pick up these gigs because they need second or third jobs to make ends meet, and they can work the occasional wedding gig around their existing schedules. Is some work and income better than none? Sure, I guess, but let's not pretend this is all fistfuls of money thrown wildly at the grandma filling the water glasses.
Luxury weddings employ people, but that's just because spending money employs people, not because the money couldn't be used better for something else.
Here's a wacky socialist idea - we could use that money collected from an equitable taxation scenario and use some of it to do things like throw neighborhood parties, and regional arts and culture events, and foodie events, and concerts, and dance recitals, and it's free or cheap to the public, and TA DA, suddenly there's plenty of work and good pay for the companies and people who provide tables and chairs and tents and sound systems and stages and catering, no relying on the largesse of rich individuals burning money because they can.
(As opposed to the current situation, where the folks organizing such public/nonprofit events need to pinch every penny and go begging to rich foundations and corporations for funding.)
posted by soundguy99 at 9:27 AM on July 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by cooker girl
IDK when your wedding was, but the prices to hold a wedding at the Chicago Cultural Center currently range from $12,000-$15,000 for 6 hours, just the room or rooms, 2 rooms for the bridal parties to get ready in, various administrative staff (including 2 off-duty police to serve as security), and basic black plastic chairs. No food, no bar, no tables, no linens, no decor.
This was a County perk. This was offered to us when we went to register for the Civil ceremony. It was only offered to a limited number of people on Saturday morning only. Officiated by a Judge from Cook County.
@Ghost phoneme link has the details of what we did!
posted by indianbadger1 at 10:05 AM on July 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
IDK when your wedding was, but the prices to hold a wedding at the Chicago Cultural Center currently range from $12,000-$15,000 for 6 hours, just the room or rooms, 2 rooms for the bridal parties to get ready in, various administrative staff (including 2 off-duty police to serve as security), and basic black plastic chairs. No food, no bar, no tables, no linens, no decor.
This was a County perk. This was offered to us when we went to register for the Civil ceremony. It was only offered to a limited number of people on Saturday morning only. Officiated by a Judge from Cook County.
@Ghost phoneme link has the details of what we did!
posted by indianbadger1 at 10:05 AM on July 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
My kids are in their early 20s, and just starting to get invited to weddings. Recently they were explaining to us that a not-unusual wedding now costs $70,000, which I simply refuse to believe no matter how many first- and second-hand accounts they offer.
Maybe it was on the "TODAY Show," or it was their cousin, or they saw a TikTok, I don't care -- my brain just rejects the notion of spending seventy-damn-thousand American dollars on a wedding.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:27 AM on July 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
Maybe it was on the "TODAY Show," or it was their cousin, or they saw a TikTok, I don't care -- my brain just rejects the notion of spending seventy-damn-thousand American dollars on a wedding.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:27 AM on July 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
We were the first of our friends group to get married, and our wedding was very traditional. I liked it.
A month or two later we flew out to my hometown, with most of my wife's family in tow. My parents had a big, white tent put up in the back yard, and all their friends joined my extended family (who hadn't come east for the wedding) for catered food and a pony keg of craft beer on a warm August afternoon.
Damn that was fun.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:40 AM on July 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
A month or two later we flew out to my hometown, with most of my wife's family in tow. My parents had a big, white tent put up in the back yard, and all their friends joined my extended family (who hadn't come east for the wedding) for catered food and a pony keg of craft beer on a warm August afternoon.
Damn that was fun.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:40 AM on July 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am all in for taxing the rich and spending on public works, but complaining about upscale weddings ain't gonna make that happen. Until we got there, rich people hiring poor people is better than rich people sitting on their pile of hoarded gold like a dragon while the poor go without paid employment.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:58 PM on July 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:58 PM on July 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
... a bragging competition about how little everybody spent on their weddings, as if it made them better human beings or something.
Not at all what I was suggesting and I doubt anyone else was, either. My point in sharing was that you can have a fantastic and memorable day without spending a fortune. From my perspective, the stress involved in a massive, complicated event would suck all the joy out of a wedding.
These ridiculous weddings are conspicuous consumption at its very worst and, yes, they provide some low-pay employment for a few people and that's not to be sneezed at. But the same sort of money could be spent on events that include everyone in the community and produce something other than mountains of waste and a few Instagram posts. These events are a marker of everything wrong with today's society.
posted by dg at 4:15 PM on July 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
Not at all what I was suggesting and I doubt anyone else was, either. My point in sharing was that you can have a fantastic and memorable day without spending a fortune. From my perspective, the stress involved in a massive, complicated event would suck all the joy out of a wedding.
These ridiculous weddings are conspicuous consumption at its very worst and, yes, they provide some low-pay employment for a few people and that's not to be sneezed at. But the same sort of money could be spent on events that include everyone in the community and produce something other than mountains of waste and a few Instagram posts. These events are a marker of everything wrong with today's society.
posted by dg at 4:15 PM on July 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't like so much that every wedding-related thread on this site quickly devolves into a bragging competition about how little everybody spent on their weddings, as if it made them better human beings or something.
IDK I enjoy it when internet wedding discussions get really Four Yorkshiremen about it. "We got married in a friend's backyard with a bouquet of wildflowers." "You were lucky, we could only dream of having wildflowers, my wife carried some turnip greens from a Buy Nothing group." "Oh, we dreamed of having turnip greens, but they were stolen by the plague squirrels in the park where we had our wedding." "Luxury. The plague squirrel that was supposed to officiate at my wedding never showed up. Still, it's the marriage that counts."
posted by betweenthebars at 5:52 PM on July 12, 2023 [18 favorites]
IDK I enjoy it when internet wedding discussions get really Four Yorkshiremen about it. "We got married in a friend's backyard with a bouquet of wildflowers." "You were lucky, we could only dream of having wildflowers, my wife carried some turnip greens from a Buy Nothing group." "Oh, we dreamed of having turnip greens, but they were stolen by the plague squirrels in the park where we had our wedding." "Luxury. The plague squirrel that was supposed to officiate at my wedding never showed up. Still, it's the marriage that counts."
posted by betweenthebars at 5:52 PM on July 12, 2023 [18 favorites]
My point in sharing was that you can have a fantastic and memorable day without spending a fortune.
Sure, but people already know that. The 100th smugfest doesn't tell us anything the first didn't.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:55 PM on July 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Sure, but people already know that. The 100th smugfest doesn't tell us anything the first didn't.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:55 PM on July 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Not sure that everyone really does know that, given how many people I've known to feel very pressured to spend a lot more than they were comfortable with on their weddings.
posted by Dysk at 9:00 PM on July 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Dysk at 9:00 PM on July 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am of the same sentiment as The Underpants Monster, but assumed I was being a grump. Nice to know there's at least 2 other grumps in here with me. Any comment starting with "my wedding" I scrolled right past. I'm actually interested in the article about the who and why of obscene weddings and less interested in everyone's personal wedding stories.
I imagine many people's motivation is to push against the societal pressure
(not calling you out personally, just using this line to make a point)
I think people like to think they're doing that but really just like to talk about themselves. And weddings are pretty much the most unique/personal thing people do so they can't help themselves but to tell everyone.
This is almost as good as the jokes "how do you know someone's vegan/does crossfit/etc?" "They tell you". How do you know someone had a cheap/unique (for whatever values of unique)/in any way different than expected wedding? They'll tell you.
posted by LizBoBiz at 5:33 AM on July 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
I imagine many people's motivation is to push against the societal pressure
(not calling you out personally, just using this line to make a point)
I think people like to think they're doing that but really just like to talk about themselves. And weddings are pretty much the most unique/personal thing people do so they can't help themselves but to tell everyone.
This is almost as good as the jokes "how do you know someone's vegan/does crossfit/etc?" "They tell you". How do you know someone had a cheap/unique (for whatever values of unique)/in any way different than expected wedding? They'll tell you.
posted by LizBoBiz at 5:33 AM on July 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
That observation is, of course highly susceptible to confirmation bias.
posted by eviemath at 5:38 AM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by eviemath at 5:38 AM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Comment removed at commenter's request, then a response to it was removed. Stay focused on the link and/or thread, not each other, thanks!
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 6:43 AM on July 13, 2023
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 6:43 AM on July 13, 2023
I think that it's worth asking what one might expect discussion of this kind of article to look like.
How much is there to say without anecdote?
I notice that very often when there are a LOT of restrictions on what can be said in response to a post, the discussion is very short and constrained. Obviously some restrictions are good to keep things on track, but ruling out anecdote (or ruling out criticism of the article) cuts out quite a lot of response, especially since this article is mostly about How The Very Rich Spend Money.
Other than opining on the moral value of having weddings like this or talking about Weddings We Have Known, the choices seem to be to fawn upon the rich or to comment on other very expensive weddings that have been in the media. Or, alternatively, having a conversation about exactly when it is appropriate to have a very expensive wedding with specific examples, which I think would rapidly veer into moral logic chopping (Travelers have pretty fancy weddings, for instance - do we really want to have a conversation about Traveler Wedding Culture - Good or Bad? Please not.)
To me talking about people's weddings and having a general conversation about Those People Are Too Rich is infinitely preferable to, eg, rehashing 2016 or having some of the other kinds of conversations that tend to be very active on here.
I admit that I like hearing about weddings about as much as I get stressed out about attending them, so I am a receptive audience for endless descriptions of cake and fairy lights and so on.
posted by Frowner at 7:35 AM on July 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
How much is there to say without anecdote?
I notice that very often when there are a LOT of restrictions on what can be said in response to a post, the discussion is very short and constrained. Obviously some restrictions are good to keep things on track, but ruling out anecdote (or ruling out criticism of the article) cuts out quite a lot of response, especially since this article is mostly about How The Very Rich Spend Money.
Other than opining on the moral value of having weddings like this or talking about Weddings We Have Known, the choices seem to be to fawn upon the rich or to comment on other very expensive weddings that have been in the media. Or, alternatively, having a conversation about exactly when it is appropriate to have a very expensive wedding with specific examples, which I think would rapidly veer into moral logic chopping (Travelers have pretty fancy weddings, for instance - do we really want to have a conversation about Traveler Wedding Culture - Good or Bad? Please not.)
To me talking about people's weddings and having a general conversation about Those People Are Too Rich is infinitely preferable to, eg, rehashing 2016 or having some of the other kinds of conversations that tend to be very active on here.
I admit that I like hearing about weddings about as much as I get stressed out about attending them, so I am a receptive audience for endless descriptions of cake and fairy lights and so on.
posted by Frowner at 7:35 AM on July 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
I posted the article because I thought it was fascinating, as a look behind the scenes both at the job itself and at some of the craziness that she saw. And I admit I was hoping it would get people talking about their own weddings because I love hearing about weddings, even though I worried it would turn from 'gazillionaires shouldn't throw bazillion dollar weddings' into a thread where people who didn't have a low key, low budget backyard elopement would be ashamed to talk about their event. I was married twice so I got to have a (relatively) big blowout and a super small one, and they were both great, and I don't think the big wedding was an indicator of why the first one failed. In my community I legit hear people say "It was a small wedding, only about 150 people," so even the bare-bones ones are expensive just because they have to feed people. Meanwhile my in-laws get invited to a lot of super high end weddings, including one at the Natural History Museum in NYC, with the reception and dance floor under the blue whale. As much as I agree that that's a huge sign of Too Much Money... I would have killed to have seen that. People go all out for weddings because they believe that it's something that will only happen once. The writer being not just a fly on the wall, but actually the person at the center of the storm (sorry to mix metaphors), made such a fun read.
For me, the thing that stood out the most was the mom who somehow couldn't understand that if she really needed to tell her daughter that she was undermining her plans, why would she do it during the actual wedding and also ruin her day? Why not wait till later, after it was a success and the bride was happy and it was all done? It was just mean - and to me it was a window into more than just a funny story. She wasn't using the money to make a better wedding for her upscale friends, while still giving her daughter the "simple" event she wanted. She was specifically using the money to put her daughter in her place. It was this ugly story buried inside this funny story, and making the planner into the bad guy as a really convenient way to sidestep those dynamics. Where was the groom through all this? I know a lot of the time one partner opts out of the planning altogether, but at some point he must have at least mentioned that lamb chops and bespoke eco-friendly table cards are not sending the message of "we're just like everybody else we know" - and certainly not, "this is all the planner's fault for encouraging your mom."
Anyways I like hearing the wedding stories. Mazal tov to all of you.
posted by Mchelly at 8:40 AM on July 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
For me, the thing that stood out the most was the mom who somehow couldn't understand that if she really needed to tell her daughter that she was undermining her plans, why would she do it during the actual wedding and also ruin her day? Why not wait till later, after it was a success and the bride was happy and it was all done? It was just mean - and to me it was a window into more than just a funny story. She wasn't using the money to make a better wedding for her upscale friends, while still giving her daughter the "simple" event she wanted. She was specifically using the money to put her daughter in her place. It was this ugly story buried inside this funny story, and making the planner into the bad guy as a really convenient way to sidestep those dynamics. Where was the groom through all this? I know a lot of the time one partner opts out of the planning altogether, but at some point he must have at least mentioned that lamb chops and bespoke eco-friendly table cards are not sending the message of "we're just like everybody else we know" - and certainly not, "this is all the planner's fault for encouraging your mom."
Anyways I like hearing the wedding stories. Mazal tov to all of you.
posted by Mchelly at 8:40 AM on July 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
Honestly - and I'm going to rephrase something Robert Fulgham said in one of his own works once - I think that if someone is having a maximalist wedding, it kind of makes a difference why.
What I mean is: if someone is going all-out and spending money on hiring Cirque du Soleil or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and paying to have the bridesmaid dresses hand-woven out of spider silk or whatever, and the reason they're doing it is because they want to show off their wealth, that's....kind of missing the point.
But if you are a couple who is absolutely and utterly overjoyed to be marrying each other, or you are a set of parents who is absolutely and utterly overjoyed that your very very most beloved daughter is getting married to an absolute prince of a guy whom you completely and totally love, then...it's gonna be awful hard not to give into the joy. And...if it's "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee i'm so excited these kids are getting married" that's behind your impulse to say "oh, what the hell, why NOT have duck as a meal option instead of just chicken, this is OUR GIRL BETTY'S WEDDING after all", then...go for it. Lean into the joy, embrace the celebration. Life is hard enough on us all, and if you've found something that makes you THAT happy, then go for it and be that happy.
This is assuming, of course, that you are not trying to bankrupt yourself in the course of doing so; that is a separate point entirely from the one I'm trying to make, which is the WHY. And even there, that fear of "oh gosh everyone is going to be disappointed if we don't go all out on our girl Betty" then that's also not joy, that's fear. If joy is motivating you, then go for it.
The Robert Fulghum bit was about how weddings have a way of getting bigger than you thought they would, but if it's because of joy, then go on ahead, because we need more joy. I thought of that a lot when my BFF Sue's wedding - which she at first thought was just going to involve a very casual cookout in her back yard with everyone in t-shirts and shorts, with a justice of the peace stopping by for like 15 minutes to let them exchange vows - turned into a more traditional white-dress-and-catered-food-and-matching-bridesmaids kind of thing. Sue still said "absolutely not" to a good deal of the other frippery (when someone asked her if she was having a bridal shower she snorted and said "I have too much stuff already, what I need is a bridal tag sale") and the bridesmaid's dress was a simple little thing she saw in a catalog at her mother's house that cost us bridesmaids each only like 20 dollars.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:49 AM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
What I mean is: if someone is going all-out and spending money on hiring Cirque du Soleil or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and paying to have the bridesmaid dresses hand-woven out of spider silk or whatever, and the reason they're doing it is because they want to show off their wealth, that's....kind of missing the point.
But if you are a couple who is absolutely and utterly overjoyed to be marrying each other, or you are a set of parents who is absolutely and utterly overjoyed that your very very most beloved daughter is getting married to an absolute prince of a guy whom you completely and totally love, then...it's gonna be awful hard not to give into the joy. And...if it's "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee i'm so excited these kids are getting married" that's behind your impulse to say "oh, what the hell, why NOT have duck as a meal option instead of just chicken, this is OUR GIRL BETTY'S WEDDING after all", then...go for it. Lean into the joy, embrace the celebration. Life is hard enough on us all, and if you've found something that makes you THAT happy, then go for it and be that happy.
This is assuming, of course, that you are not trying to bankrupt yourself in the course of doing so; that is a separate point entirely from the one I'm trying to make, which is the WHY. And even there, that fear of "oh gosh everyone is going to be disappointed if we don't go all out on our girl Betty" then that's also not joy, that's fear. If joy is motivating you, then go for it.
The Robert Fulghum bit was about how weddings have a way of getting bigger than you thought they would, but if it's because of joy, then go on ahead, because we need more joy. I thought of that a lot when my BFF Sue's wedding - which she at first thought was just going to involve a very casual cookout in her back yard with everyone in t-shirts and shorts, with a justice of the peace stopping by for like 15 minutes to let them exchange vows - turned into a more traditional white-dress-and-catered-food-and-matching-bridesmaids kind of thing. Sue still said "absolutely not" to a good deal of the other frippery (when someone asked her if she was having a bridal shower she snorted and said "I have too much stuff already, what I need is a bridal tag sale") and the bridesmaid's dress was a simple little thing she saw in a catalog at her mother's house that cost us bridesmaids each only like 20 dollars.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:49 AM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
I think that if someone is having a maximalist wedding, it kind of makes a difference why
For sure. And the same is true of a minimalist one, for that matter. Don't do it if it's not what you want, if it's some form of external pressure (other than financial, perhaps) or self-repression.
posted by Dysk at 12:06 PM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
For sure. And the same is true of a minimalist one, for that matter. Don't do it if it's not what you want, if it's some form of external pressure (other than financial, perhaps) or self-repression.
posted by Dysk at 12:06 PM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
I had an awkward wedding that tried to straddle the difference between Doing It Right and Doing It Cheaply and kinda got both wrong, and I wish I could take another run at it, now that I'm older and wiser and there are awesome plus-size wedding dresses out there. We were both pretty poor, both students, and yet I was being pressured to have an "appropriate" wedding. There was a lot of ugliness in my relationship with my parents at that moment, my mom was reneging on promises, my dad didn't approve of the marriage and didn't show anyway, and my sister-in-law did my face with the makeup gun from the Simpsons. But I think it turned out ok because some family members who I didn't expect to see showed up, and in the end we've made it 25 years thus far.
My current and past workplaces both hosted weddings and other big events, and seeing it from that side really makes you understand how many logistical knives have to get juggled. Most of the people I know who have done it have moved on to other things because it wears you down.
posted by PussKillian at 12:28 PM on July 13, 2023 [8 favorites]
My current and past workplaces both hosted weddings and other big events, and seeing it from that side really makes you understand how many logistical knives have to get juggled. Most of the people I know who have done it have moved on to other things because it wears you down.
posted by PussKillian at 12:28 PM on July 13, 2023 [8 favorites]
I've only been married once but in the vein of sharing other wedding stories:
Once I was asked to officiate the wedding of two friends who needed to get married for immigration reasons. The groom had lost their job and with that, their visa. So stuff needed to happen fast and I said I'd help when I got the email.
We arranged to meet in a city park. The bride was in jeans and a t-shirt. The groom wore cargo shorts. I rode over in my bike while wearing a suit.
"You didn't need to get dressed up!"
"You all don't need to get dressed up. This is your wedding. But it's still a wedding. So I would like to be dressed for this. A little gravitas is needed.
"Ok, take your time with these questions: Do you love her? Do you love him? Do you both want to do this thing? Ok, cool. You're married. Let's get to the bar."
A few months later, on the cusp of winter and spring, they arranged for a larger ceremony including the groom's family traveling to the US. It was held in a tent in the village common of the bride's hometown. A rainstorm had rolled in so as a result being in that tent felt like being inside Neal Peart's drum kit. I didn't have a mic or PA so just projected for as much as I could.
Later at the reception, one of the bride's uncles came by to commend me on my oratory and being able to talk above the drumming of the rain.
"Where did you learn to do that?" he asked "at the seminary?"
"No, sir," I said, "Rugby. I played eight years and captained for two. Had to spend a lot of time yelling at guys across a field. On weddings, I am what you call: self-taught."
That was a very short conversation.
posted by bl1nk at 7:40 PM on July 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
Once I was asked to officiate the wedding of two friends who needed to get married for immigration reasons. The groom had lost their job and with that, their visa. So stuff needed to happen fast and I said I'd help when I got the email.
We arranged to meet in a city park. The bride was in jeans and a t-shirt. The groom wore cargo shorts. I rode over in my bike while wearing a suit.
"You didn't need to get dressed up!"
"You all don't need to get dressed up. This is your wedding. But it's still a wedding. So I would like to be dressed for this. A little gravitas is needed.
"Ok, take your time with these questions: Do you love her? Do you love him? Do you both want to do this thing? Ok, cool. You're married. Let's get to the bar."
A few months later, on the cusp of winter and spring, they arranged for a larger ceremony including the groom's family traveling to the US. It was held in a tent in the village common of the bride's hometown. A rainstorm had rolled in so as a result being in that tent felt like being inside Neal Peart's drum kit. I didn't have a mic or PA so just projected for as much as I could.
Later at the reception, one of the bride's uncles came by to commend me on my oratory and being able to talk above the drumming of the rain.
"Where did you learn to do that?" he asked "at the seminary?"
"No, sir," I said, "Rugby. I played eight years and captained for two. Had to spend a lot of time yelling at guys across a field. On weddings, I am what you call: self-taught."
That was a very short conversation.
posted by bl1nk at 7:40 PM on July 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
Later at the reception, one of the bride's uncles came by to commend me on my oratory and being able to talk above the drumming of the rain.
*snicker* The officiant for my brother's wedding reminded us all, at the rehearsal, that "we'll all need to speak up, because we're outside, so don't forget." I reassured her at the time that I had been to drama school and had taken speech and projection classes (I even demonstrated for her and she blinked and joked "this may be the first time I can tell someone they can be quieter if they want").
But during the wedding itself, everyone...forgot to speak up. We strained to hear my brother, we strained to hear my sister-in-law, we even strained to hear the officiant. Throughout the service the guests all gradually started leaning further and further forward in their chairs, trying to hear everything; by the end of the first guy's reading some people were nearly bent double.
Then I got up and started reading the "Apache Wedding Blessing", which they'd selected for my piece. And at the very first line ("Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other....") I was treated to the sight of all 100-odd guests simultaneously snapping back straight in their seats ("oh, THIS we can hear!").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:04 AM on July 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
*snicker* The officiant for my brother's wedding reminded us all, at the rehearsal, that "we'll all need to speak up, because we're outside, so don't forget." I reassured her at the time that I had been to drama school and had taken speech and projection classes (I even demonstrated for her and she blinked and joked "this may be the first time I can tell someone they can be quieter if they want").
But during the wedding itself, everyone...forgot to speak up. We strained to hear my brother, we strained to hear my sister-in-law, we even strained to hear the officiant. Throughout the service the guests all gradually started leaning further and further forward in their chairs, trying to hear everything; by the end of the first guy's reading some people were nearly bent double.
Then I got up and started reading the "Apache Wedding Blessing", which they'd selected for my piece. And at the very first line ("Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other....") I was treated to the sight of all 100-odd guests simultaneously snapping back straight in their seats ("oh, THIS we can hear!").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:04 AM on July 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
I had an awkward wedding that tried to straddle the difference between Doing It Right and Doing It Cheaply and kinda got both wrong, and I wish I could take another run at it, now that I'm older and wiser and there are awesome plus-size wedding dresses out there.
I think renewals of vows are awesome and lovely and AT LEAST as meaningful as the original weddings.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:03 PM on July 29, 2023 [4 favorites]
I think renewals of vows are awesome and lovely and AT LEAST as meaningful as the original weddings.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:03 PM on July 29, 2023 [4 favorites]
« Older Crows are ungovernable | Ancient giants Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
I still can't imagine the vast sums of $$ and pressure and stress that go in to "the wedding industry" and I remain happy we managed to avoid most of it.
posted by djseafood at 9:41 AM on July 11, 2023 [3 favorites]