I heard crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch

September 19, 2023 10:38 PM

A surfer wanted to catch waves from Hurricane Lee. A shark bit his face. Around noon, he watched a six-foot-long spinner shark leap out of the water 20 feet away and fall back in, barely missing another surfer. Sumersett was terrified but stayed in the water. Several other surfers, including the one nearly bodied by the spinner shark, seemed unbothered. He kept surfing. He saw another shark fin in the afternoon. Kept surfing. Around dusk, he watched three sharks “come swimming through the waves like dolphins do.” Kept surfing. Five minutes later, he saw three different sharks doing the same thing. Kept surfing.....
posted by Toddles (44 comments total)

Unrelated to the face bite, I am completely in envy of this middle aged man who could just drop everything to go surfing midweek like it is nothing. I feel like I've gone horribly wrong with my life decisions, where I agonize over taking a half day off six weeks in advance.
posted by Literaryhero at 10:51 PM on September 19, 2023 [30 favorites]

Kept Surfing.

Excellent writing.
posted by theora55 at 11:41 PM on September 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

I have known so many surfers who are irrationally, indelibly, indubitably enthusiastic about surfing. It almost rivals my love of cheese.
posted by poe at 12:14 AM on September 20, 2023 [20 favorites]

This is a great micro-story, sort of a parable for humanity:

Alarmed, Sumersett looked around and noticed that other surfers were unbothered, leading him to believe it was normal and nothing to worry about. Sumersett kept surfing.

Around noon, he watched a six-foot-long spinner shark leap out of the water 20 feet away and fall back in, barely missing another surfer. Sumersett was terrified but stayed in the water. Several other surfers, including the one nearly bodied by the spinner shark, seemed unbothered.

He kept surfing.

He saw another shark fin in the afternoon.

Kept surfing.

posted by vacapinta at 1:36 AM on September 20, 2023 [18 favorites]

I imagine, if you collected all the surfer’s stories, they would read “I noticed the sharks, but nobody else acted concerned.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:01 AM on September 20, 2023 [21 favorites]

“I’m scared to death, but the waves are so good,”

Love it. Lucky mf'er this guy.

Why is this area so full of shark bites?

I'm imagining a biology paper that concludes "the waves are juuusst that primo, dude"
posted by eustatic at 2:35 AM on September 20, 2023 [5 favorites]

Nutcase. Haha. A total nutcase.
posted by dutchrick at 2:54 AM on September 20, 2023 [5 favorites]

if you collected all the surfer’s stories, they would read “I noticed the sharks, but nobody else acted concerned.”

If you collected all the shark stories, they would be "Julius said, 'Just have one nibble, you'll want more!' and he was soooo right".
posted by biffa at 3:44 AM on September 20, 2023 [5 favorites]

"I didn't think the leopards sharks would eat MY face!"
posted by briank at 4:18 AM on September 20, 2023 [15 favorites]

Sharks sending the locals only message.
posted by 3.2.3 at 4:46 AM on September 20, 2023 [15 favorites]

From a lot of shark attack stories, I get the impression that sharks don’t really want to eat humans; we just happen to mess around in their dining rooms, kicking up a fuss and acting kind of like food. Hell, we go into nurse shark bedrooms and step on them… Honestly, I think the sharks are being pretty restrained.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:00 AM on September 20, 2023 [26 favorites]

I lived in Miami Beach for five years back in the '90s. When a hurricane was on its way (we had one "small" one hit, a couple near-misses and one super intense tropical storm... BTW, even those near-misses and tropical storms can be extremely intense, violent and scary), the entire area would shut down to allow people to go board up their homes or drive inland.

Not everyone was off work, but I worked in hotels at the time, and the guests would all get kicked out days before and the hotel would operate on a skeleton crew. So many, many people had time off work. I saw lots of surfers then (on the east coast of Florida, you don't get a tremendous amount of surfing-type waves. It tends to be more calm than say, California).

Anyway, his job probably shut down for a couple or few days and he went surfing. Probably smarter to take refuge inland, but lots of people would surf in the run up to tropical storms. Plus, the weather would become impossibly nice a day or two before the storms hit. Humidity would drop, it got clear and beautiful... calm before the storm.
posted by SoberHighland at 5:34 AM on September 20, 2023 [6 favorites]

That sound super dangerous! How about a nice safe game of golf instead?
posted by lalochezia at 5:35 AM on September 20, 2023 [7 favorites]

When I lived in a beach town, we eventually learned to avoid going out for lunch when the waves were tasty, because every place would be short-staffed.

NSB has an inlet with a strong current, and when it interfaces with the Atlantic there's a sort of water wall that sharks like to hunt, you can see it rippling on the surface. Beyond that is the reliable break that attracts surfers, they paddle out right through the seafood buffet.

Sharks are everywhere though. It's fun to watch spinners sending fish-fetti flying in all directions while tourists stand quizzically with their beer in waist-deep water.
posted by credulous at 5:49 AM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

The framing of the FPP calls to mind something I recall from Mad Magazine forty-plus years ago. It was an image of a graveyard with a dozen or so tombstones, each bearing an epigraph. One was:

Saw five sharks
Off the coast
Four he missed
One almost

posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:50 AM on September 20, 2023 [16 favorites]

Strong "Grizzly Man" vibes with this one.
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:21 AM on September 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

The "Kept surfing." phrase reminded me of this Malcom in the Middle meme. And I kept reading it in the exact same way that Dewey and Hal phrased it.

Terrifying and fascinating.
posted by Fizz at 6:33 AM on September 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

I have constructed my life to come into contact with wild animals as little as possible and I don't think I've made the wrong decision.
posted by rhymedirective at 6:33 AM on September 20, 2023 [7 favorites]

This brings to mind a tweet I saw that basically said "It's not 'shark-infested waters--they live there.'" Like, buddy, I'm sorry you got bit on the face, I'm glad you survived, but the GTFO vibes were so strong here. Who sees fifteen sharks and is like "It's chill?"

I used to live in Louisiana, and hurricanes (even when they don't hit directly) churn things up for hundreds of miles in all directions. We would see frigate birds (an open-ocean species) right outside New Orleans. I can't even imagine the effects under the sea. I bet those sharks were extra riled up, is what I'm saying.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 6:41 AM on September 20, 2023 [11 favorites]

Sharks sending the locals only message.

This is a local beach!
For local sharks!
There's nothing for you here!


We didn't bite him!
posted by Naberius at 6:43 AM on September 20, 2023 [10 favorites]

I'm excited to watch this direct-to-streaming film on Hulu in 18 months.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 6:49 AM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

Surfnado. Local sharks terrorized when a hurricane creates tornados full of surfers.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:49 AM on September 20, 2023 [11 favorites]

Who sees fifteen sharks and is like "It's chill?"

This guy films a beach every day where great whites are just passing through. They swim past children, windsurfers, kayakers -- they got places to be. That's not too surprising if you think about it; sharks don't want humans as such, not under normal conditions. But what surprises me is that people see his drone, hear him shouting, and just ... dick around. They may even follow the shark or try to get its attention. Possibly he's taken other video where the swimmer came up afterward and said "please, please do not post the footage of me releasing a visible cloud underwater while I paddled toward the beach with all my limbs flailing."
posted by Countess Elena at 8:10 AM on September 20, 2023 [6 favorites]

The fact that they continued surfing surprises me not a bit. Even I, hysterically historically risk averse went boarding in the pre-storm surge of Hurricane Andrew back in '92.

Dedicated to the bone surfers? They'd probably try and ride out a tsunami caused by a nuke going off.
posted by drewbage1847 at 9:06 AM on September 20, 2023

As a fisherman’s and surfer, I treat surfing as reverse fishing. When fishing my goal is to cast the right lure on the water at the right time of day when the fish are feeding to trick a fish into taking a bite. So do surf at those times and remember your body and surf board are a lure.
posted by interogative mood at 9:07 AM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

The fact that they continued surfing surprises me not a bit. Even I, hysterically historically risk averse went boarding in the pre-storm surge of Hurricane Andrew back in '92.


Yep. When Hurricane Ike was on it's way to demolishing Galveston one of my buddies was out there surfing. The only thing that got him to stop was the cops coming out, saying, "We can't force you to evacuate, but here's a magic marker. Write your SSN on one arm and name on the other to make it easier to identify your dead body."

Even then, he thought about it for a few minutes.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 9:16 AM on September 20, 2023 [9 favorites]

I'm glad the guy is okay, but I keep getting stuck on the fact that when people do shit like this they are risking not only their own lives but the lives of first responders who usually have a hell of a lot of other stuff to attend to when a large storm is rolling through their region.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 9:28 AM on September 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

isn't there a scene in John Barnes' literary masterpiece Mother of Storms (lol) where a surfer heads out to ride in the megatsunami? (doesn't end well...)

I'm not afraid of sharks, although I do respect them. I'm not afraid to go in the ocean but probably would avoid shark "infested" waters. but you know how I am going to die? heading up to hike in Wildcat Canyon after a mountain lion sighting is confirmed (why yes, I have done this. no kitties though. I think I brought catnip)
posted by supermedusa at 9:37 AM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

Kept surfing.

Well, this is some victim-blaming and fearmongering bullshit.

> For decades, Florida has topped global charts in the number of shark bites, and this trend continued in 2022. Florida’s 16 cases represent 39% of the U.S. total and 28% of unprovoked bites worldwide. This is lower than Florida’s most recent five-year annual average of 22 incidents. [Florida Museum]

The numbers are so small that one fewer bites every other month represents a 27% drop. But that doesn't make for good clickbait. Kept surfing.

Sharks don't eat people. Sharks bite humans mistakenly and then let go, as happened in this case. In 2019, five people died due to shark attacks. In the entire world. Kept surfing.

More people are struck dead by lightning each year. More people are shot dead by toddlers in the United States each year. Kept surfing.

Steven Spielberg made a really good movie in 1975 and we've been freaking out over a non-issue ever since.

Keep surfing.
posted by AlSweigart at 10:26 AM on September 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Well, this is some victim-blaming and fear mongering bullshit.

geez that is harsh, this is a writer doing what writers do

and the reason the bait makes people click is that we are not entirely, nor even minimally, rational beings much of the time. "Jaws" and the countless shark movies since work on a level that have nothing to do with statistics. That said, people are much more dangerous to sharks than vice versa and I get how this feeds into a stereotype. But people are gonna people, same as it ever was
posted by elkevelvet at 10:31 AM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

From a 2016 article in the Christian Science Monitor:

> Yao Ming has become a hero for both basketball fans and animal lovers alike.

> The 7-foot-6 retired Chinese NBA player has partnered with WildAid for the last five years to help stem the demand for shark fin soup in his home country. Together, Yao and WildAid have raised awareness about the realities of a perceived delicacy and its impact on shrinking shark populations.

> “People said it was impossible to change China, but the evidence we are now getting says consumption of shark fin soup in China is down by 50 to 70 percent in the last two years,” Peter Knights, executive director of WildAid, told The Washington Post in 2013. And such a consumption decrease has continued in 2016. “It is a myth that people in Asia don’t care about wildlife. Consumption is based on ignorance rather than malice.”

Emphasis mine.

But people are gonna people, same as it ever was

I cannot disagree more. People can change and become less fearful and destructive. It starts by replacing fearmongering myths with curiosity and the willingness to look for the true nature of nature.
posted by AlSweigart at 10:45 AM on September 20, 2023 [7 favorites]

there was an article in 2000 National Geographic written by Peter Benchley (unfortunately I cannot find it online, and the NatGeo archives are only available with subscription). they spent a year around the globe studying Great Whites and the opening line of the article (paraphrasing) "if I knew then what I know now about Great Whites I could never have written Jaws"

ALSweigart is right, sharks are not 'dangerous' in the sense that they have no interest in eating us. but they are always eating, always grazing, browsing, ahem...surfing. for food. they take a bite, they spit us out. but now you have been bitten by a shark.

as has been mentioned above, we invade their homes. lucky they are not pro-gun ;)

I found an old NPR interview about the 2000 article
posted by supermedusa at 11:16 AM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

I am not a surfer; I am a hiker. I have hiked over fifty-two times a year each of the last five years. Most of my hikes take me up Pacific Coast Highway a little bit north of Malibu so I get to see all of the surfers out in the water just about every weekend.

Surfers are made different. Surf in the rain. Surf when there's snow falling in Malibu Canyon. Surf when Los Angeles is under a hurricane advisory. Surf when people have been advised to stay out of the water due to dangerous levels of bacteria. Surf when the hillsides are on fire and ashes are falling out of the sky. And yeah, surf when sharks have been spotted in the area.

During the darkest days of the pandemic I was getting up at 4 AM to get out on the trails by 4:45 so I could get my hikes in without running into anyone else. Without fail there were guys in the water as I drove past the Pacific. What time had they gotten up? Were they still there from last night? I never learned; I just prayed that one day I would love something as much as they love to surf.

There's a reason "Eddie Would Go" caught on so hard.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 11:16 AM on September 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Bonus points for using "gnarly" to describe both a fine wave and a shark bite.
posted by doctornemo at 11:31 AM on September 20, 2023 [5 favorites]

The numbers are so small that one fewer bites every other month represents a 27% drop. But that doesn't make for good clickbait.

Eh, I see it more like those people who go up to bison in parks for selfies. It sounds like there were at least mildly agitated sharks in the water, so maybe getting away from them would have been the smart thing to do. He lived, and he doesn’t seem to hold the shark any malice, so good on him, but those surfers were, at best, annoying wild animals trying to live their lives. That doesn’t make them “hard core;” it makes them “assholes.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:47 AM on September 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

Ow.
posted by brundlefly at 4:13 PM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

In the GIS and remote sensing computer lab that I did my graduate work in, the sysadmin was a surfer. He could have made a lot more money working somewhere else, but he had an understanding with the faculty member that ran the lab: "I work for cheap, and I go surfing when the waves are up." It seemed to work out for him.
posted by mollweide at 6:10 PM on September 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

There were solid 5-6’ waves with bigger sets and clean conditions in FL from Lee for 3 days. The sets were well overhead where I surfed every day of the swell. Yeah, there are sharks, and Ponce Inlet is perhaps the sharkiest beach on the FL East Coast.

Usually, you see the spinners and larger sharks outside the break in deeper water but, with a big swell, some waves break well outside on the 2nd reef or bar. Surfing last Sunday, I saw spinners hitting on baitfish inside of the lineup. Nevertheless, kept surfing until my arms were like noodles and I could barely paddle into a wave. Epic! You don’t think about the sharks; you’re watching the horizon for the clean-up sets.
posted by sudogeek at 6:49 PM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

I came in here to blithely wonder if this guy had reproduced already, or if Darwin still had a chance to work his magic.

But now I've read this entire awesome thread (consolation for being paywalled from the article) and don't feel so smug about the guy.

And at this point (just above) I'm wondering if sudogeek is mollweide's sysadmin :)

Edit: archive link!
posted by intermod at 8:55 PM on September 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

I was surfing in Malibu once when a shark bumped my leg...I screamed the screamiest scream I'd ever screamed and practically walked on water all the way in to shore. I did not keep surfing, until I went out the next weekend.
posted by schyler523 at 5:15 AM on September 21, 2023 [6 favorites]

but those surfers were, at best, annoying wild animals trying to live their lives.

Oh! Okay. You were using "annoying" as a verb there, not as an adjective. Yeah, I'm with you now.
posted by Naberius at 1:10 PM on September 21, 2023 [1 favorite]

intermod, probably not, as this was New Jersey and not Florida. But I'm sure he'd cut a deal no matter where he wound up.
posted by mollweide at 6:13 PM on September 21, 2023

Bonus points for using "gnarly" to describe both a fine wave and a shark bite.

Both perfectly reasonable uses of the word. Unfortunately he doesn't speak shark and didn't recognize "crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch" as "beat it, kook!"
posted by ActingTheGoat at 9:15 AM on September 22, 2023

Oh! Okay. You were using "annoying" as a verb there, not as an adjective. Yeah, I'm with you now.

Well humans are annoying wild animals annoying wild animals, like those buffalo from Buffalo.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:23 AM on September 22, 2023 [2 favorites]