The Quest for the Three Year Sandwich

October 29, 2002 1:11 PM

The Quest for the Three Year Sandwich "This bad boy will last a minimum of three years at 80 degrees, six months at 100 degrees. They will travel to the swampiest swamp, the highest mountain, the most arid desert." Great. So glad my tax dollars are getting put to good use. If they want prepackaged food that's been around for ages, there's a corner store near my house that can fix them right up. Is this sort of thing really needed?
posted by slackdog (22 comments total)

Agreed. The last thing the military should be spending our tax dollars on is scientific research.

... goes back to surfing the Internet.
posted by Space Coyote at 1:12 PM on October 29, 2002

Wasn't it Napoleon who said "an army marches on its stomach"?
posted by wanderingmind at 1:16 PM on October 29, 2002

Is this sort of thing really needed?

Have you ever tried to spend 370 billion dollars?
posted by machaus at 1:23 PM on October 29, 2002

Yeah, who needs military research anyway? I mean, what have they ever brought us, well, besides radar, antibiotics, microwave ovens, jet aircraft, blood transfusions, medical instruments, computers, the internet, but let's just focus on this sandwich as an example of how idiotic they are, shall we. Hey, who knows, the preservation techniques developed for this silly sandwich could turn out to solve some very important needs for famine starved peoples, or it could just keep a sandwich fresh for 3 years.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:26 PM on October 29, 2002

"We don't want to change the texture, we want it to act and feel like peanut butter."

possible responses:

1. I have this same problem with my wife.

2. Peanut Butter (to director): "But what's my motivation?"
posted by Ty Webb at 1:35 PM on October 29, 2002

Now I want a sandwich.

(Oh, and what Pollomacho said.)
posted by JoanArkham at 1:37 PM on October 29, 2002

Food science takes time, Darsch said -- "I don't even want to tell you how long it took to develop the McNugget."

WHY? Why doesn't he want to tell us!?
posted by mildred-pitt at 1:42 PM on October 29, 2002

mmmm.... chicken water....
posted by mkultra at 1:54 PM on October 29, 2002

Uhm last time I checked soldiers didn't complain about the number of dishes in a menu, but complained about the LACK of menu, which means they complain if they don't have ANY food at all.

As far as I know, as long as I'm provided with protein, carbohydrates or other forms of sugar and some vitamin C (fruit) who cares if they give me a sandwich or a barely palatable brick of them. Granted, I'd rather eat at a restaurant then eat rations , but what the fudge are they going to use to make fresh stuff stay fresh ?

Remember anthrax vaccinations with curious side effects for soldiers ? Remember agent orange ? Depleted Uranium ? All the kind of toxic shit one is exposed to when messing with arms in general ? I'd rather not have any more shit in my food, thank you. And while I'm spending money developing new food, I'd doublecheck if the old food is good enough already or only needs perfectioning.

Summary: soldier don't need Home Taste, they need Good Food. Ask good old soldiers that didn't turn into a bunch of "Chez Maxim Menu" sissies.
posted by elpapacito at 1:54 PM on October 29, 2002

I'm no fan of boondoggles, but this seems like worthwhile research.
posted by donkeyschlong at 1:58 PM on October 29, 2002

Who would be so cold as to deny our boys on the front lines a decent sandwich? Not I! I say more money for snack research, more, more, more!
posted by spilon at 2:00 PM on October 29, 2002

What about the chips, huh? Who can eat a sandwich without chips?

Won't they think of the childrensoldiers?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:09 PM on October 29, 2002

antibiotics

didn't the _Nazi_ military doctors invent those?

(no Godwin crap, it's a question)
posted by matteo at 2:35 PM on October 29, 2002

No, actually matteo, it was US military research that made antibiotics mass producible before the war. The Nazis never had them as a matter of fact we kept our methods of mass production a secret for a while during the war just so that more Germans and Italians and Japanese would needlessly die of curable infections. The Nazis mainly concentrated on things like why a Pole's head has a more or less prominent chin than a Swede's or how long it takes a starved laborer to freeze to death in a decompression chamber filled with ice water or what happens when you attach the arm of one twin to another twin's body.
posted by Pollomacho at 2:47 PM on October 29, 2002

or what happens when you attach the arm of one twin to another twin's body.

I'm gonna puke. Sick.
posted by donkeyschlong at 2:58 PM on October 29, 2002

Okay, but Alexander Fleming, a Scottish doctor, discovered penicillin in 1928. Later, it was adapted for use in WWII. I don't think that the military was initially responsible for antibiotics.
posted by slackdog at 3:02 PM on October 29, 2002

sorry donkeyschlong, I should have left that part off.

OK, slackdog, you're right on that one, not initially, no, but they sure did cause plenty of infections that needed them to be mass produced!
posted by Pollomacho at 3:13 PM on October 29, 2002

However, the phrase "this bad boy" went stale quite some time ago.
posted by Ayn Marx at 3:43 PM on October 29, 2002

PB&J, the sandwich most demanded by troops

Scene: An army mess tent somewhere in the desert. Dog soldiers pour into the tent. They are sweaty and begrimed and their eyes speak of terrible hardship and endless days far from home. The muttering begins sotto voice but then swells to an orchestrated rage, "PB&J! PB&J God damn it! We want PB&J, not this pepperoni crap!

Spotlight falls on the face of a handsome young soldier whose eyes fill with tears as he recalls the PB&J sandwiches his mother lovingly prepared for him back home and he swallows the lump that isn't peanut butter.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:43 PM on October 29, 2002

I thought that, besides staying power, the main feature of MRE's was...uh...staying power, or the ability to induce constipation. I've heard of the post maneuvers recovery process referred to as "having an MRE baby."
posted by plinth at 4:05 PM on October 29, 2002

I thought that, besides staying power, the main feature of MRE's was...uh...staying power, or the ability to induce constipation

Duh. Everyone knows they're Meals Reluctant to Exit.

(also Meals Rejected by Everyone/Ethiopians)

more?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:39 PM on October 29, 2002

I'd like to be alone with the sandwich...

Are you going to eat it?

...Yes

mmmm, three-year-old sandwich
posted by backOfYourMind at 5:08 AM on October 30, 2002