RaptureLetters

December 5, 2002 6:01 AM

RaptureLetters sends an email to your unsaved friends, after the Rapture, explaining where your good soul has disappeared to. I suppose this means that they only employ sinners, in order to ensure that someone remains behind to operate the site...
posted by adamms222 (29 comments total)

Anybody here care to substantiate this rapture nonsense?
posted by niceness at 6:06 AM on December 5, 2002

I'd rather leave that can of worms closed.

What I don't understand is, they say they've written a computer program to detect when the rapture occurs. What did they write it in, Bible Code? Does it have a direct connection to God's computer in heaven? Maybe they have Jesus' ICQ number or something.
posted by Stan Chin at 6:18 AM on December 5, 2002

Or they could set up a script that launches a window asking 'Has the rapture occured yet?' once a week, and if no one around the office was left to click 'no', it would send the letters.
posted by andrewzipp at 6:18 AM on December 5, 2002

I bet every letter goes something like this:

Dear Bob,

I guess all those times you brushed me off when I wanted to spread the good news to you at work has finally caught up with you. Who's the sucker now! SUCKER! Excuse me I think I hear a harp with my name...

Wish you were here...
Jack C.
posted by PenDevil at 6:27 AM on December 5, 2002

Cutest email address harvesting scheme I've seen in a while. :)
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:28 AM on December 5, 2002

Hmm, guarantees the repliers are probably pretty dumb, too. Spammer gold! Spammer gold!
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:28 AM on December 5, 2002

Or they could set up a script that launches a window asking 'Has the rapture occured yet?' once a week, and if no one around the office was left to click 'no', it would send the letters.

I actually imagine it's something similar to this. The script sends out a message each Friday, and waits for a response (hence the "first Friday after the rapture" indication on their home page). If no response is forthcoming from the trusted authorities, then it assumes that the rapture has taken place.

This is very similar to the Dead Man's Switch email system. I know it's been MeFi'd before, but I can't seem to track down the thread.
posted by thanotopsis at 6:28 AM on December 5, 2002

I should think that any god worth worshipping would tend to view this kind of behavior --- "I told you so, I told you so" (hear that nasal sing-song childish voice?) --- as sufficient grounds for being left behind.
posted by yesster at 6:35 AM on December 5, 2002

yesster: That's the beauty if this scheme... you do it afterwards. I mean what's the worst that coudl happen? They send you back?
posted by PenDevil at 6:43 AM on December 5, 2002

yesster: That's the beauty if this scheme... you do it afterwards. I mean what's the worst that could happen? They send you back?
posted by PenDevil at 6:44 AM on December 5, 2002

Anybody here care to substantiate this rapture nonsense?
its true. our attorney general wouldn't beleive it if it wasn't true. hey, ever heard of the batboy? what happens to batboys after the rapture?
posted by quonsar at 7:01 AM on December 5, 2002

After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have just disappeared.

However, upon discovering just who disappeared, many will utter "Good riddance" and get on with enjoying life.

"Heaven? Who wants to spend eternity with those assholes?" - M. Manson
posted by mischief at 7:19 AM on December 5, 2002

The script sends out a message each Friday, and waits for a response (hence the "first Friday after the rapture" indication on their home page). If no response is forthcoming from the trusted authorities, then it assumes that the rapture has taken place.

So what happens if that Friday is a holiday, or there's an error and nobody can click "NO"? The rapture e-mails go out sending millions of nice Garage Sale attending grannies into seizures.

I smell class-action suit!
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:36 AM on December 5, 2002

Adamms22 - Nice Post! I especially liked the "Sinners" link you posted, with it's oh-so-earnest "rapturians" discussion of things like:

"Five Arguments for Total Annihilation in Hell

Total Annihilation Argument #1:
Many people believe that sinners will be annihilated in hell because they can't imagine how a merciful, loving God could torment the vast majority of humanity for all eternity. After all, is that really justice?..."

No, Virginia, that's not justice. Now, about this 'Santa Claus' character.....
posted by troutfishing at 7:45 AM on December 5, 2002

One's mind has to be remarkably cloistered to accept such a phantasm as this 'Rapture'.

If one is capable of accepting this, shudder to think what else one may accept.
posted by the fire you left me at 8:24 AM on December 5, 2002

Dude, I so totally signed up, email harvester or not. I've been saved a couple of times (mostly as a joke), and if I accidentally do get sucked up to Heaven, I want the saps left in this pit to have it rubbed in their face that the biggest bastard they know is totally chillin with all the Godly folk on his own personal cloud. Oh, the irony would be delicious.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:26 AM on December 5, 2002

I wonder if the software is event-driven . . .


var theSuckers=array(believers.emails)
var God=(yahweh | allah | vishnu)

onRapture {

if god!=true {
return false;
}

else {

sendEmail(theSuckers)

}
}

posted by poorhaus at 8:41 AM on December 5, 2002

in fact our bodies will be re-formed when we are resurrected at the Rapture (see 1 Corinthians 15:51-53).

What a mess! Are there any figures on the number of people that have lived . . . forever, on the whole earth? Even just counting on the 4000 years since Adam and Eve scale, that's a whole lotta bodies to be re-formed. And if we're talking in geological, evolutionary terms, when do we draw the line on when the people dying were officially humans and therefore worthy of God's mercy? Whoo. Like most literal interpretations of scripture, this gets real ugly, real fast.

Anybody here care to substantiate this rapture nonsense?

Well, we know it's going to happen because it says so in a very old book. It has been imminent for at least 1000 years and could come at any moment (kinda like IDS . . . IRS?)
posted by mikrophon at 9:20 AM on December 5, 2002

I hope Bible Code is case-insensative. You've called God, both "God" and "god." Which brings up a problem. The code really needs to be tested in order to weed out bugs. So we need to ask God to throw us a mini-Rapture during a beta period. It would be really embarrassing if people failed to get their letters, just because of a missing semicolon or something.
posted by grumblebee at 9:22 AM on December 5, 2002

Any kind of mass mailing greeting card is a really sore subject with me right now.

Lou
Network Manager
posted by LouieLoco at 9:36 AM on December 5, 2002

Many of my relatives believe in this shit. I sent them the link so they can chastise me whilst I cavort with the anti-christ.
posted by rotifer at 10:35 AM on December 5, 2002

Yeah, but won't there be a lot of red faces when the rapture e-mails go out, and a lot of the senders are still around trying to figure out what went wrong?

How is it that Sally from accounting got taken and I'm still here? That woman is a whore and not of the one true faith.
posted by willnot at 10:35 AM on December 5, 2002

Gawd, these Rapture believers are so smug. And they have a sadistic streak that they are unable or unwilling to acknowledge.
posted by Holden at 10:38 AM on December 5, 2002

My favorite: $665.95 Retail Price of the Beast
posted by anewc2 at 10:39 AM on December 5, 2002

Pish! I happen to know that the Rapture happened on August 17, 1998. 328 people were taken bodily to heaven, most of them from a small village in Sweden.
posted by Guy Smiley at 11:52 AM on December 5, 2002

Excuse my giddiness, but metafilter is the best fuc*ing invention in the history of mankind. Turns out I likes ta larf. Props to all you future hell dwellers while I'm at it: look me up and we'll grab a drink at the corner hell hole whilst plying away eternity before the infernal Hell Beast.
posted by Zoyd Wheeler at 12:13 PM on December 5, 2002

Check out the humor page that is apparently meant to help you see the lighter side of the belief system that condemns all non-believers to a lake of fire for eternity. It seems that the jokes are meant to be squeaky clean, but most are either sexist, obtuse or just plain old lame-ass. Is it just me, or do most of these "clean" jokes have kind of a creepy edge?
posted by jlynford2 at 12:21 PM on December 5, 2002

I cant believe mefi'ers are calling the rapture people smug. Pot, kettle...
posted by stupidcomputernickname at 6:11 PM on December 5, 2002

It's called the rapture because that's how you'll feel when every fundamentalist moron instantly disappears.

I, for one, welcome our new triple digit beastmaster.
posted by Zombie at 6:51 PM on December 5, 2002