Mindless Sheep Culture Update

February 17, 2003 7:26 PM

While you were out at a Peace Rally or reading your 'books' that somehow use words in combination to form 'sentences', us smart folks were watching the high culture extravaganza Joe Millionaire. Yes, I know you don't own a television, which is why Television without Pity is here to get you up to speed in case you're at the next dinner party with Nobel Prize laureates and all you can talk about is Iraq. [intelligent discussion inside]
posted by Stan Chin (30 comments total)

So, here's how it went:

Joe chooses Brunette, tells brunette he's not a millionaire. She looks confused.

Joe tells the Blonde that he's dumped her, despite the blowjob in the woods. Blonde transforms into what Optimus Prime would be like if instead of diesel he ran on bitch fuel.

Brunette decides to get jiggy with Joe anyway.

FOX awards Joe and Brunette $1 million dollar as their 'surprise twist.'

Joe and Brunette dance and get all lovey dovey. The End.

Meanwhile, Optimus Prime defeats Decepticons for control of the Matrix.
posted by Stan Chin at 7:36 PM on February 17, 2003

Whoa..

well.. that was an upliftin' endin', now on to da rasslin.. who's gunna win, Tripule Etch or Scott Steinah.. whoooooo!!!!!

[/weirdness off]
posted by RobbieFal at 7:38 PM on February 17, 2003

I love TWOP especially for their Queer as Folk and 24 recaps.

But I'd really wish they'd recap a peace rally or two.

And I wish I could be as funny as Stan. Optimus Prime. "Bitch fuel." Only here.
posted by WolfDaddy at 7:40 PM on February 17, 2003

TWOP is one of the few reasons why i still bother with the internet. it's hilarious and keeps me from watching some really bad shows. read a synopsis in 5 min, avoid sitting in front of the boob tube for an hour, wheee...!
posted by t r a c y at 7:42 PM on February 17, 2003

[click]

Michael Jackson on ABC

[click up]

Joe Millionaire on Fox

[click up]

religious channel that happens to be mixed in w/ the networks

[click up]

Michael Jackson on NBC

[click down]

[click down]

I'm surprised Evan Marriott isn't a millionaire from all the grape smuggling that he's been doing. I watched tonight's finale and it was quite sappy. Evan (a.k.a. "Joe") sure did dismiss the bondage girl easily. At least Fox has another divorce waiting to happen in the wings.
posted by Frank Grimes at 7:47 PM on February 17, 2003

thanks for the spoiler.
posted by poodlemouthe at 8:01 PM on February 17, 2003

TWOP is one of the few reasons why i still bother with the internet. it's hilarious and keeps me from watching some really bad shows.

TWOP sucks, actually. It is virtually impossible to understand their synopses because they adamantly refuse to use the actual names of the characters in the shows, rather using their own made-up names for the characters that are intended to be, I suppose, humorous. For those who simply want to know WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, it is completely maddening. Checked it out once; will probably never visit again.
posted by kindall at 8:07 PM on February 17, 2003

Props for Slate's Virginia Heffernan, who called the Joe Millionaire finale in on a dime on Feb. 11.
posted by sacre_bleu at 8:11 PM on February 17, 2003

TWOP can be very funny, but it's frustrating to read synopses where the writers take a break from their often-witty commentary to share in-jokes about how they all hang out together, knew each other in college, etc. This often takes the form of cutesy 'editor's notes' to each other. It's beyond amateurish.

And the moderation in the forums is heavy-handed and humorless.
posted by transona5 at 8:16 PM on February 17, 2003

Thanks for this refreshingly silly post, Stan. If ever a post should not be deleted, it is this one.
posted by anathema at 8:20 PM on February 17, 2003

Man, I'm so pissed I'm just finding out about Married by America now (not right now, but within the last two weeks). I wish I could've been on that show. I want my marriage to be determined by telephone voting. Seriously.
posted by dogwalker at 8:22 PM on February 17, 2003

but how does iraq figure into all of this? can we draft joe and his "bride?" huh? Really, can we!?!
posted by amberglow at 8:28 PM on February 17, 2003

i dont think the site is made for people who actually WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.
posted by Satapher at 8:34 PM on February 17, 2003

Brilliantly crafted... it took me a while to tell whether you were really a condescending psuedo-intellectual prick or just pretending to be one. :)
posted by jammer at 8:59 PM on February 17, 2003

Fuck. I had actual money on the blonde, on the assumption of never underestimating the swaying power of a blowjob in the woods. Stan, can you go into a more detailed descrip of the Optimus-Prime-on-bitch-fuel incident?
posted by UncleFes at 9:05 PM on February 17, 2003

Stan,

You crack me up. In other news - Andy Rooney hates the French...
posted by Macboy at 9:24 PM on February 17, 2003

It is virtually impossible to understand their synopses because they adamantly refuse to use the actual names of the characters in the shows, rather using their own made-up names for the characters that are intended to be
yah, that threw me off at first too, but it's not a straightforward information site, it's a community where people watch and discuss the episodes together in real time on the forums. that's where the nicknames develop which generally get picked up by the writers who also participate on the forums. twop's definitely not for everyone and i can't imagine any diehard mefites fitting in or having fun there. it's way too friendly and coffee klatsch. there is no right or wrong at twop.

Checked it out once; will probably never visit again.
the less stress on their servers the better. they get insane amounts of traffic and it drives me bonkers (yah, yah, short drive) when everyone is trying to read it at once.

if you don't have a fave site already and are looking for stick-to-the-script synopses i'd search for sites that have wildfeeds of your fave show or check for a related alt.tv newsgroup (ie: alt.tv.buffy)
posted by t r a c y at 10:26 PM on February 17, 2003

Also, buy Pamie's book!

Or Wing Chun's.
posted by Pancake Overlord at 11:00 PM on February 17, 2003

I liked the fake-out on "don't own a television". For some reason I was expecting that link to lead somewhere else...
posted by Guy Smiley at 11:34 PM on February 17, 2003

I couldn't agree more about TWOP. The constant back and forth inside humor between writers is annoying and the forum mods are, as someone said, heavy handed and humorless.

It often seems as if they treat the posters like 12 year old children, and to be honest, I don't think the average age of the posters IS much higher than 12.

And the show's ending 'twist' was pitiful.
posted by Dennis Murphy at 11:36 PM on February 17, 2003

FOX awards Joe and Brunette $1 million dollar as their 'surprise twist.'

I saw THAT comming (the million $$ payoff) back when they 1st ran the promos, that way they could have a bit of 'truth' in advertising, AND so these ppl can have their faces plastered all over while making Rupert $$$. 1 mil is consideration.

Expect FOX to do a follow-up at some point.
posted by rough ashlar at 12:21 AM on February 18, 2003

Meanwhile, Optimus Prime defeats Decepticons for control of the Matrix.

You may have won this time, Prime, but one day I will have the Matrix! Decepticons, retreeeeeeeeeeeeat!

Ahem. Back on topic, TWoP can be rather harsh. It's maybe not the place to go to catch up on a show that you believe has merit. It tends to shred my beloved Buffy pretty badly, but not in the same I-kid-because-I-love manner as Boils and Blinding Torment.
posted by Galvatron at 2:43 AM on February 18, 2003

TWOP is all about the snark factor, people.

BTW, the Joe Millionaire followup is next Monday.
posted by konolia at 3:39 AM on February 18, 2003

Would've been better if they had paid Zora alone (give Evan something to work for...), but FOX has a rule against genuine irony outside of The Simpsons.
It was kind of a "D'oh" moment for me, because the payoff (in both senses of the word) should've been obvious. Like when I learned that the identity of the "Celebrity MOLE" was the MODEL (and she worked for Victoria's SECRET, too! Could the hints be more obvious?) And "Mole" was a rare "Reality Game Shows" that I could enjoy because the winning/losing was based on something more than a popularity vote.
Joe Mills definately didn't deserve to be paid any more than ABC paid its Moles: "Admiral Bill" was a much more believable liar.
posted by wendell at 3:56 AM on February 18, 2003

"The Snark Factor"?
Now THAT''s a Reality Gameshow I could get into.

Speaking of Jumping the Snark...
posted by wendell at 4:07 AM on February 18, 2003

The best part about the show was seeing a promo that Aaron and Helene will get even more stupid on Thursday night. The second best part was finding out Joe was smarter than I thought by putting the ring on her right finger rather than the left. The worst part is she didn't stick the ring up his ass. I have lost all respect for Zora.

Now back to feeding the homeless.
posted by oh posey at 7:00 AM on February 18, 2003

For the original snarky television summary, check out the 90210 wrap-ups at http://www.inquisitor.com. I also enjoy the NY Diary entries...
posted by armacy at 8:45 AM on February 18, 2003

For a while there, I though Evan screwed up by not choosing Sarah, because surely Sarah would be too embarrassed not to keep up the pretence that she rilly rilly liked Evan, if only for the cameras (who wants to be seen on national TV performing fellatio on a guy and then admitting it was only for the $$ ??). But Zora came through in true Disney heroine style [barf].

What an excellent dis, though-- "Sarah, I've had SO MUCH FUN with you, really, it's just been a blast [translation: you give great head], uh, so....I haven't chosen you."

And say what you want about TWoP, their "Joe Milliionaire" recaps have been brillaint, because they lovingly analyse all the not-so-subtle tricks employed by the editors to tell their heavy-handed "fairytale" narrative: the "slurp" soundtrack overlaid on the "disappearing into the woods" incident, the conspicuous absence of lascivious Zora footage contrasted with endless looping of every Evan-on-Sarah smooch, etc. etc....
posted by Raya at 9:00 AM on February 18, 2003

I like Television Without Pity's West Wing recaps.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:39 AM on February 18, 2003

I can't believe they took such a great concept and ran it into the ground so horribly. I tuned in to watch an asshole burn gold diggers, instead I saw a mildly retarded goober dance with a backwater ditz and get paid $1 million for it.

Ugh. As long as they were handing out cash, they should have given it to the blonde that lost so she could rub it in Joe's face.

PS: If any Fox producers read this, let me know if you're interested in making Toothless Joe Millionaire.
posted by toothless joe at 9:44 AM on February 18, 2003