Jesus.

March 31, 2003 3:42 PM

Lord, Bless This Defender of Freedom. "No matter where his mission takes him, he'll never be beyond the reach of God's protection. As the brave members of the U.S. military head out to defend our freedom, it's comforting to know that each one is sheltered in the loving hands of God." Order your Defender of Freedom, complete with hands of God, for only $19.95 plus shipping. Assault rifle included.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (44 comments total)

I'm frantically trying to search my brain for this figurine's target audience.

I wonder what the late 20s hipster/60 something grandmother ratio is, for people buying this...
posted by cadastral at 3:47 PM on March 31, 2003

Meticulously handcrafted of hand-painted sculpture and sparkling crystalline
posted by signal at 3:49 PM on March 31, 2003

look at those sparkly eyes! oh, how could I possibly stay mad at you?
posted by mcsweetie at 3:54 PM on March 31, 2003

Look at the cute little M-16....
posted by SweetJesus at 3:55 PM on March 31, 2003

What sort of assault rifle would jesus kill people with?
posted by signal at 3:56 PM on March 31, 2003

Just what we need - an eight-year-old with an M-16.
posted by TheFarSeid at 4:01 PM on March 31, 2003

My girlfriend's grandfather was a Marine in WW2. He took part in some of the nastiest fighting of the war on the pacific islands. Now that he's reached his later years, he's become a devout Catholic, probably because he fears what the repurcussions of what he did in his youth may be.

She got the Lord, Bless This Marine figurine for him. It's pretty cheesy, yes, but if it comforts a haunted old man in his old age...

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
posted by jammer at 4:02 PM on March 31, 2003

I just bought one for my conflicted very Christian yet very pro-war (irony impaired?) co-worker, who needs a physical reminder of my taunting of him for when I'm not around to do it in person.
posted by jonson at 4:07 PM on March 31, 2003

If you don't buy one, Saddam must really love you.
posted by RylandDotNet at 4:07 PM on March 31, 2003

What's next? Hummels in Humvees?

*light bulb goes on over head*

Forget you read that.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:07 PM on March 31, 2003

There is something positively terrifying about these...things. I don't know if it's the creepy disembodied hands of God or the use of a child's form to represent a soldier...but there's something not right about them.

They kind of remind me of Precious Moments, actually.
posted by eilatan at 4:09 PM on March 31, 2003

Once again, and as always for the record, let it be known how much I love capitalism.
posted by kaibutsu at 4:09 PM on March 31, 2003

Jammer, there you go inserting Meaning into the thread.

You're missing a perfectly good opportunity to make cheap jokes!
posted by Karl at 4:09 PM on March 31, 2003

Am I the only one creeped out by child soldiers? They could have gone with someone who looks like they've hit puberty already.
posted by skallas at 4:22 PM on March 31, 2003

Once again, and as always for the record, let it be known how much I love capitalism.

Maybe it's not God's hands protecting him, it's the invisible hands of the market pushing him into battle.
posted by condour75 at 4:27 PM on March 31, 2003

Its one of the upcomming steps for the war on "terrorism".
The Children's "War For Freedom/Liberty".
posted by Iax at 4:29 PM on March 31, 2003

condour75: aaaaahahahahaha!

jammer: that's a very good reason to buy the statue (that, or to comfort the parent of a deployed soldier). Thanks for the post.
posted by hammurderer at 4:42 PM on March 31, 2003

Hand-numbered with a matching Certificate of Authenticity

Yes, for the Love of All Things Holy, let's try and keep counterfeit products OUT of the crap market, OK people?

Besides, I'd be shocked, yes SHOCKED, if somebody out there were to sink low enough as to try and exploit this market for personal gain. Oh wait...


P.S. Two thumbs up, condour.
posted by mathis23 at 4:43 PM on March 31, 2003

Its one of the upcomming steps for the war on "terrorism". The Children's "War For Freedom/Liberty".


Well, it's been years since we've had a good Children's Crusade...
posted by dejah420 at 4:44 PM on March 31, 2003

They could have gone with someone who looks like they've hit puberty already.

(sniff, sniff) the lil guy reminds me of my lil bro [wonders if lil bro can mount one on his military issued vehicle, naa, no dashbord]
posted by thomcatspike at 4:45 PM on March 31, 2003

dashboard
posted by thomcatspike at 4:46 PM on March 31, 2003

Am I the only one creeped out by child soldiers?

Stay away from Burma.
posted by homunculus at 4:48 PM on March 31, 2003

That is the most beautiful thing I've seen all day. Thanks XQUZYPHYR!
posted by wfrgms at 4:49 PM on March 31, 2003

kitsch on arrival.
posted by donkeyschlong at 4:50 PM on March 31, 2003

Maybe it's not God's hands protecting him, it's the invisible hands of the market pushing him into battle.

That is the single best MeFi comment I thnk I have ever read.
posted by eustacescrubb at 4:51 PM on March 31, 2003

Shock and awwww, cute!
posted by blamb at 5:05 PM on March 31, 2003

jammer, good point. I just talked with my sister-in-law this weekend. Her father was in Vietnam, and this tv war coverage is KILLING him. He's crying, etc.
posted by tomplus2 at 5:16 PM on March 31, 2003

Also from The Hamilton Collection (although I couldn't find it online so I scanned the weekend paper) - the exclusive On The Front Lines Of Freedom figurine.

"This handcrafted figurine represents the fearless troops who have vowed to defend the United States, no matter where their mission takes them. Just one look at his boundless courage and fierce commitment to his country, and your heart will fill with pride". Only $19.95.
posted by iconomy at 5:32 PM on March 31, 2003

Onwards kids and teddybears,
Marching as to war
With fine hand-crafted figurines
Sold for $19.94
Christ, I'm so disgusted,
With this pile of kitch
Celebrating child soldiers
Dying in a ditch.

Chorus:

Onward, kids and teddybears,
Marching as to war
With pewter face and crystal stand
And M16s galore.
posted by Neale at 5:55 PM on March 31, 2003

Target audience? You're either a Precious Moments kinda person, or you're not. There's no middle grouind.

Too bad they don't offer a bobble-head option.
posted by groundhog at 6:02 PM on March 31, 2003

Targetting youth... another group did that... was it someplace in Europe back in the 30's maybe? I forget. :)
posted by LouReedsSon at 6:24 PM on March 31, 2003

That's just great!
There are many collectors of such kitsch. Never let it be underestimated [kind of like resistance].

As for the fact it isn't a black private? Maybe it's a higher rank, although no mention of rank in the copy, however, statistically .....

Why is so cute? You want some bedraggled statue, grimy with a 5 day growth, with sand in his boots and ears on your mantle?

What kind of reminder did you want to pay for exactly?

I love the fact that it is "Limited to just 95 casting days" [over a billion cranked out!?] and what puzzles me, is that it "Measures about 4" high". Is that a direct comment on the height of morale of the troops there?


I would guess their next move after the 95 day period is that they'll post a sold out notice and they'll be sold directly through ebay. Heh-heh. Brill.

Call it a conversation piece. Jest lookit these replies!
posted by alicesshoe at 6:29 PM on March 31, 2003

Lord bless the man that travels with his Bill of Rights -- Security Edition. May he pass through all checkpoints unmolested.
posted by shepd at 6:56 PM on March 31, 2003

bril, condour & neale
posted by mhjb at 8:22 PM on March 31, 2003

What's worse, many of those who would not buy it by itself will buy it to complete a set. Capitalism at its finest, unsullied by morality or ethics.
posted by FormlessOne at 8:38 PM on March 31, 2003

Condour75, that's right up there with "we have cameras".

Nice one, Neale.
posted by sennoma at 8:59 PM on March 31, 2003

What's the point in posting this on MF again?
posted by ZupanGOD at 9:26 PM on March 31, 2003

What's the point in posting this on MF again?

Oh, come on... at least it's more interesting than Iteration X of "I think the war is good/bad. People who disagree with me are poopyheads."
posted by jammer at 10:12 PM on March 31, 2003

coundour- :)
posted by Espoo2 at 10:18 PM on March 31, 2003

aliceshoe: the average soldier may not be as black as you believe.
posted by dhartung at 10:26 PM on March 31, 2003

I saw this in my Sunday paper, in the Parade section. Thanks for a great link XQUZYPHYR (and great comments and poetry).

My dad probably served with jammer’s gal pal’s grand dad in WWII. He was a Navy communications officer who landed with the Marines in the South Pacific after Pearl Harbor. Never talked to us kids about it much. He became a devout Unitarian.

War sucks.
posted by jabo at 11:41 PM on March 31, 2003

From elsewhere on the site:

[T]he U.S. Marines ... always liv[e] up to their motto, Semper Fi - Always Faithful

My latin isn't up to much, but wouldn't it be Semper Fideles? Semper Fi would translate as Always Fa. Not terribly butch, is it, Always Fa?
posted by Grangousier at 11:57 PM on March 31, 2003

Thanks dhartung for the pointer.


Ah, I guess I should have either researched and posted a statistic or changed it to "the poor". Some choose that lifestyle to get some education when other doors may be closed to them. I assumed, my bad.

Hey, it isn't alices hoe, it's alice's shoe. 2 eses.
posted by alicesshoe at 12:39 AM on April 1, 2003

As Adam Smith said , when you follow your own personal interest you really are guided by an "invisible hand" that will make you help maximize social profit.

Well, with my visible hand I'll show the invisible one my visible middle finger.
posted by elpapacito at 3:47 AM on April 1, 2003