Hymen not included

April 10, 2003 10:24 AM

Hymen and the back seat of your father's car not included It’s requirement for ladies who looses their virginity (virgin size) usually after delivery and some cases before also and slowly both partner looses interest in each other without knowing the cause, this Virgin cream gives you complete youthfulness and bring back virginity (virgin size) to its original shape. Your partner starts taking interest in you, which you might have not experienced before.
posted by orange swan (53 comments total)

Interesting. That's not the same cream my girlfriend uses.
posted by vito90 at 10:31 AM on April 10, 2003

I can't wait to tell my fiancee that there's finally a way for her to tighten up her depressing, floppy vagina.
posted by Skot at 10:37 AM on April 10, 2003

Will it develop entire body part also?
No, it will not

This is so endearing. What shall we call it? It's not Engrish. Indiglish, perhaps?
posted by Slithy_Tove at 10:38 AM on April 10, 2003

Somebody set us up the balm.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 10:43 AM on April 10, 2003

That, or women can just kegel, rather than stuff ourselves full of questionable chemicals. (Disclaimer: products like this annoy me just on general principle, as do bunkum quackery like bust and penile enhancement cream.)
posted by headspace at 10:47 AM on April 10, 2003

Is it cherry flavored?
posted by mischief at 10:49 AM on April 10, 2003

Usually after delivery a woman losses her virginity

I guess they do things differently there...
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:50 AM on April 10, 2003

...ingredient which tightens vagina...When should I apply it? During night before sleep.

Great, tighter woman...no dear, it's not my headache tonight either.
Do we men, lose our conquests too now. There goes the locker room talk for us: no, she didn't use the cream; AArrgh!, back to 3rd base for us.
posted by thomcatspike at 10:51 AM on April 10, 2003

Hold on...could it be?...I think it is...Ladies and gentlemen, we have a blink tag. It's been awhile since I've spotted one of those in the wild. And never before have I seen it unironically applied to an entire two-paragraph block of text--ad copy, no less. Man, that's some poor taste.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:51 AM on April 10, 2003

Somebody set us up the balm.

WE HAVE A WINNER!
posted by machaus at 10:53 AM on April 10, 2003

Skot, I almost spit coffee all over my monitor. Almost.
posted by homunculus at 10:56 AM on April 10, 2003

Aw, bummer. Lactating women can't use it.

One more excuse to wean the spawn.
posted by padraigin at 10:56 AM on April 10, 2003

XQUZYPHYR, that comment rules.
posted by djspicerack at 10:58 AM on April 10, 2003

uuuuuugh. There's no value here. I'm buying it anyway.
posted by phylum sinter at 10:58 AM on April 10, 2003

slowly both partner looses interest in each other

Engrish with puns AND fraudulent medical claims... this site has it all.
posted by orange swan at 11:03 AM on April 10, 2003

bunkum quackery like bust and penile enhancement cream....

yes..peddled by nefarious ne'er-do-well's in handlebar mustaches from their horseless carriages to promote white slavery, dontcha know?

We got right here in river city, trouble with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for Penile Enhancement Cream...
posted by jonmc at 11:04 AM on April 10, 2003

Someone set us up the balm.

WE HAVE A WINNER!

not quite. -25% for bungling the quote.

SomeONE set UP US the bomb.
posted by quonsar at 11:05 AM on April 10, 2003

I don't need her to use that. I buy the condoms that say "for her Pleasure" on the package.

I am a gentleman amoung gentlemen.
posted by bondcliff at 11:06 AM on April 10, 2003

Thank you, jonmc. I was sitting here being crabby about something stupid, and I really needed that laugh. :)
posted by headspace at 11:07 AM on April 10, 2003

Also, if you use too much does it close up completely??
posted by jonmc at 11:09 AM on April 10, 2003

But, but . . . if my partner has never shown any interest in me previously, how am I supposed to lose my virginity in the first place?
posted by jfwlucy at 11:19 AM on April 10, 2003

If you guys would just open that email we've been sending you about penis "enhancement", we wouldn't need this cream at all.
posted by jessamyn at 11:21 AM on April 10, 2003

I'm amused and frightened. And XQUZYPHYR definitely wins the prize.
posted by grrarrgh00 at 11:24 AM on April 10, 2003

> Also, if you use too much does it close up completely??

Not quite. But then they can write their names in the snow.
posted by jfuller at 11:27 AM on April 10, 2003

Malarkey? Or Effective Way?
posted by WolfDaddy at 11:29 AM on April 10, 2003

Clinically formulated by European lovers and chemists in collaboration with years of independent pharmaceutical testing in the U.S., Bonn, Zurich, Paris and Amsterdam, Virgin Forever has been shown to stimulate multiple climaxes.

I'd love to see this marketed the way laxatives are marketed in the U.S. - that knowing friend, that intimate chat...
"Marge, why so glum? Slack snatch got you down?"
"Yeah, Bob just rattles around in there and complains."
"Well, you should try Virgin Forever - after a month of using Virgin Forever, I'm lucky to even be able to fit a tampon in there!"
"Really? I'll try it!"

Sheesh.
posted by FormlessOne at 11:48 AM on April 10, 2003 [1 favorite]

FormlessOne, is there something you want to tell us...?
posted by orange swan at 11:51 AM on April 10, 2003

"Slack Snatch Got You Down" is the title of my new blues song.
posted by padraigin at 12:00 PM on April 10, 2003

how would anyone know what a virgin feels like anymore?
posted by gsalad at 12:06 PM on April 10, 2003

Apprehensive, mostly.
posted by gottabefunky at 12:13 PM on April 10, 2003

Technical Virgin (NSFW)
posted by Nicolae Carpathia at 12:19 PM on April 10, 2003

Wow, i'm digging the other things on this site: Tall You Cream ("look taller and improve your personality in 3 to 6 months time and will be permanant"), Love You Cream ("This compounded topical application is used to sensitize the response stimuli between the two partners ,and thereby improving and as well as retaining mutual interest in each other ,the application of the cream can also attribute to the conjugal well being between the spouses and improves the desire factor among the two"), and Long You Cream ("You cream gives you complete youthfulness and brings back the excitement (penis size) to its required shape and size").

Holy crap, i had no idea there were requirements for this type of thing? Is something I can download from genitals.gov in a handy PDF format?
posted by tpl1212 at 12:37 PM on April 10, 2003

I don't care what anyone says, I love these Metafark threads.
posted by Cyrano at 12:39 PM on April 10, 2003

Yo, Nicolae Carpathia, that site is f-ing hilarious. And by the way folks, I consider it SAFE FOR WORK myself, because there are no nasty pictures, just text about nasssty sex.
posted by zekinskia at 12:50 PM on April 10, 2003

I love the technical virgin site - and I was a happy guy in high school several of the girls I spent time with felt for real the way that parody does.

Lots of oral, a fair amount of anal but they didn't want vaginal for pregnancy risk reasons. Fine by me :)

Of course, on the larger topic when someone gets all worn and stretched out isn't it time to just trade them in and get an entirely new, tight package?

I mean, new girls turn 18 all the time :)
posted by soulhuntre at 12:56 PM on April 10, 2003

there are two, count em, two, hilarious video clips, but neither contain nasty images and neither plays without being deliberately selected. technical virgin has been around for 4 years or so. the classics never die.
posted by quonsar at 12:57 PM on April 10, 2003

If you guys would just open that email we've been sending you about penis "enhancement", we wouldn't need this cream at all.

Jessamyn's right, you know.
posted by y2karl at 12:58 PM on April 10, 2003

I thought all techs were virgins.
posted by padraigin at 1:06 PM on April 10, 2003

Heterosexual virgins, maybe ;-)
posted by WolfDaddy at 1:08 PM on April 10, 2003

If you guys would just open that email we've been sending you about penis "enhancement", we wouldn't need this cream at all.


I tried that once. I sent off for the product, and all I got was this girl who showed up at my door one day, talking with a fake accent.

"Oh, Big boy, you American GI all so big, yes. Oh no, big boy, you number one!"

And for that, I had to pay her 50 bucks.

It was worth it.
posted by bradth27 at 1:22 PM on April 10, 2003

Just to cover the usual bases ...

I for one welcome our new virginal overlords

and

this cream?, it vibra....
posted by Julnyes at 1:42 PM on April 10, 2003

relevant image:

posted by quonsar at 1:44 PM on April 10, 2003

Sheeze, everyone is missing the far superior products scattered throughout the website. Tall You, for example will not only make you look taller, but it will improve your personality in just 3-6 months! And its permanent!

No word yet on whether they'll provide bulk discounts for MeFites.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 1:50 PM on April 10, 2003

Before: "Strap a 2X4 to your ass so you don't fall in."
After: "Like threading a needle with a rope."
posted by Mack Twain at 1:58 PM on April 10, 2003

Lovely order form, "Any Credit Card is accepted for Bangalore deliveries only"? Anyone in India want to arange a group purchase?
posted by DBAPaul at 2:18 PM on April 10, 2003

> Wow, i'm digging the other things on this site: Tall You
> Cream ("look taller and improve your personality in 3 to 6
> months time and will be permanant"),

She bent down, turn around and gimme a wink.
She said I'm gonna make it up right here in the sink.
It smell like turpentine it look like India ink.
I held my nose I close my eyes. I took a drink.
posted by jfuller at 3:49 PM on April 10, 2003

She places the lotion in the basket.
posted by reidfleming at 4:09 PM on April 10, 2003

IT puts the lotion in the basket
posted by gnz2001 at 4:36 PM on April 10, 2003

and by the way: I'd hit it.
posted by padraigin at 4:52 PM on April 10, 2003

Why can't I stop thinking of Baby Jessica right about now?
posted by tittergrrl at 5:21 PM on April 10, 2003

bungled quote? "It puts the lotion ON!"
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 5:45 PM on April 10, 2003

orange cream: LOL - nah.
padraigin: Gotta hit us with lyrics when it's ready.
soulhuntre: Damn! I knew I got hosed on that marriage thing...::sounds of being beaten about the head & shoulders by my wife's mailed fist...::
posted by FormlessOne at 7:36 PM on April 10, 2003

orange cream: LOL - nah

That's Orange SWAN. Orange SWAN. That's just one too many Freudian slips, oh FormlessOne!
posted by orange swan at 7:16 AM on April 11, 2003