Boycott The Matrix

May 11, 2003 8:16 PM

50 Reasons to Boycott the Matrix.Lowbrow. Violent. Rascist. And with that Reloaded budget, they could have made millionaires out of every starving child in America. Shameful.
posted by scarabic (54 comments total)

This "Matrix"... is it something you'd have to have a nervous system to know about?
posted by soyjoy at 8:28 PM on May 11, 2003

Argh! Spoilers! (Possibly)
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 8:29 PM on May 11, 2003

...but...but...but...it's just so damn cool!
posted by bloggboy at 8:29 PM on May 11, 2003

Oh good lord, this has to be a parody...

Speaking of parody, have ya seen the Landover Baptist take on the Matrix?
posted by dejah420 at 8:32 PM on May 11, 2003

MatrixFilter
posted by DakotaPaul at 8:33 PM on May 11, 2003

Spoilers. Thanks. Oh, and the first one?

"The first film killed 13 students at Columbine High School, the disturbed trench-coated teens imitating the pipe-bombing, shotgunning film's finale. How many troubled teens are out there Reloading with the release of the sequel?

In fact, the only reason the U.S. Attorney General did not press murder charges against the filmmakers is because the movie was shot in Australia, giving it diplomatic immunity. "

I'm hoping this thing was a parody, because

A) That's mad offensive to the families of those lost in the Columbine tragedy (and everybody knows it was Marilyn Manson, not the Matrix, that caused them to do it)

B) Diplomatic immunity? Please tell me this is a joke. This has gotta be a joke.
posted by swerdloff at 8:39 PM on May 11, 2003

I believe you are forgetting the satanic power of Doom, swerdloff.
posted by cortex at 8:42 PM on May 11, 2003

Neither actress could be reached for comment.

Now that's just wrong.
posted by eddydamascene at 8:43 PM on May 11, 2003

Vague parody or serious misfire, the bouncing-cup-ad I got in the left margin was itself reason enough to boycott the page.
posted by BT at 8:43 PM on May 11, 2003

Reason #5: Several times in the sequel Neo is seen flying at almost supersonic speeds. NASA experiments prove that such a velocity would tear a man's genitals off.

1) Official government supersonic genital mutilating experiments? Our tax dollars at work? I hope these experiments were done with humans, and not animals, or else PETA is going to make a big stink when the word gets out.

2) Which one is Neo again? Maybe (thanks to all that weird stuff going on in the Matrix) he has no genitals.
posted by LeLiLo at 8:43 PM on May 11, 2003

Of course it's a parody; the e-mail address for "Dr. Albert Oxford, Ph.D." goes to David Wong, the guy who runs www. pointlesswasteoftime.com (according to the www.petitiononline.com link set up ostensibly by this Oxford chap.)

Seriously, think about it - I mean, Aaliyah died halfway through filming the movie. Do you wonder why this chucklehead couldn't reach her for comment?

It's bullshiat designed to attract attention days before the release. Ignore it.
posted by FormlessOne at 8:56 PM on May 11, 2003

I blame the rascally Rascists.
posted by hama7 at 9:00 PM on May 11, 2003

Best part:

Reason 21. After the above incident, I was the
one asked to leave.
posted by crazy finger at 9:29 PM on May 11, 2003

#2: Aaliyah and Gloria Foster were unceremonially dropped after shooting some scenes for the sequel. Neither actress could be reached for comment.

I'm sure it was a racial thing. Their deaths had nothing to do with it.
posted by rhapsodie at 9:35 PM on May 11, 2003

Err... what FormlessOne said.
posted by rhapsodie at 9:36 PM on May 11, 2003

argh. sorry for the dupe.
posted by scarabic at 9:54 PM on May 11, 2003

...the movie was shot in Australia, giving it diplomatic immunity.
That is about as far as you need to go to know that it is a parody - I can't imagine even the most misguided nutcase thinking this for real. oh, wait - timecube - retract that.
posted by dg at 10:00 PM on May 11, 2003

Wow, a spoilers heads up would've been useful. What a terrible attempt at satire... I think.
posted by gramcracker at 10:06 PM on May 11, 2003

I don't think anyone has to worry about spoilers in that piece.
posted by Nothing at 10:09 PM on May 11, 2003

It's obviously a joke, and parts of it are hilarious.
posted by Hildago at 10:17 PM on May 11, 2003

This is obviously the work of demented CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISTS.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 10:22 PM on May 11, 2003

Warner Bros. devoted $300 million to the production of the two Matrix sequels.

In the time the films have been in production, over one thousand American children will have died of starvation. For the cost of these films, each of those children could have been given one million dollars.

um. $300000000 / 1000 < 1000000.
posted by hob at 10:23 PM on May 11, 2003

Aaliyah and Gloria Foster were unceremonially dropped after shooting some scenes for the sequel.

Which sucks totally. Aaliyah did some hands on research for her last film. You have to respect that kind of method acting.
posted by eyeballkid at 11:35 PM on May 11, 2003

Yeah... bad link man. Gave away the ending, and just generally unfunny
posted by Spacelegoman at 11:38 PM on May 11, 2003

A Word With Keanu.
posted by hama7 at 12:14 AM on May 12, 2003

The Matrix Reloaded Info Center.
posted by hama7 at 12:16 AM on May 12, 2003

Terrible page.. sounds like it was written by an 8th grader. I don't care about the matrix, but this was just awful.
posted by cmicali at 12:29 AM on May 12, 2003

I will voice one serious concern I have about the film. They spent several million dollars constructing their own stretch of highway. A nagging voice inside says they wouldn't have done this for a few crucial shots -- they're gonna use the heck out of it. We're gonna have a chase scene that goes on forever, I'm betting. It can be (and has been) done, but it's a VERY difficult thing to pull off well. It tends to stop a story cold; putting SFX over story progression. Hope the Bros. Wachowski can pull it off.
posted by RavinDave at 1:49 AM on May 12, 2003

The first film killed 13 students at Columbine High School, the disturbed trench-coated teens imitating the pipe-bombing, shotgunning film's finale. How many troubled teens are out there Reloading with the release of the sequel?

The Columbine shootings happened in 1999. The Matrix opened in 2001.
posted by nathan_teske at 2:33 AM on May 12, 2003

"The Matrix" opened in North America on March 31, 1999 ...

Not that I imagine any connection.
posted by RavinDave at 2:42 AM on May 12, 2003

Columbine was on April 20th of 1999, btw.
posted by RavinDave at 2:48 AM on May 12, 2003

And with that Reloaded budget, they could have made millionaires out of every starving child in America.

oh, horseshit. don't you read time magazine? according to the MPAA, starving children in america are destroying the entertainment industry, and they are using the internet to do it.
posted by quonsar at 4:44 AM on May 12, 2003

Best Reason To Boycott "The Matrix" sequels: Because the first "Matrix" sucked completely & totally.
posted by davidmsc at 4:49 AM on May 12, 2003

scarabic: I'll give you the benefit of the doubt about whether or not you realized this was satire when you posted it, but to not warn us that #4 (possibly) gives away the ending is lame!
posted by GeekAnimator at 6:29 AM on May 12, 2003

They spent several million dollars constructing their own stretch of highway.

From the Matrix web site:

When the production left Alameda, the freeway set was pulled apart, leaving behind a mile and a half’s worth of pristine timber and plywood; rather than scrapping it, U.S. location manager Peter Novak arranged for the lumber to be sent to Mexico, where it was used in the construction of 100 low-income family homes. The California Film Commission recognized Novak’s thoughtful resourcefulness, presenting him with a Humanitarian Award at their 7th Annual California On Location Awards.
posted by bwg at 6:45 AM on May 12, 2003

awww. the movie industry is a rising tide that lifts low-income mexican boats. how nice.
posted by quonsar at 7:27 AM on May 12, 2003

We're gonna have a chase scene that goes on forever, I'm betting. -RavinDave
18 minutes
posted by originalname37 at 8:09 AM on May 12, 2003

For those who haven't already seen it, there is a precedent.

And of course it's satire! I can't believe some of you are picking apart the math and worrying about spoilers in a page that expresses outrage that "because of demands by Keanu Reeves, Trinity was actually played by a woman in shorthair. (If you look closely in certain scenes of the film, you can make out breasts.)"
posted by Acetylene at 8:15 AM on May 12, 2003

18 minute chase scene, huh? Kewl. I am trying to keep my head down until I actually see it, of course.

(BTW, how long did that one in _Ronin_ go?)
posted by GrahamVM at 8:28 AM on May 12, 2003

18 minutes

Sounds like the endless pod racing sequence in Phantom Menace. or the ROCK CLIMBING bit in Lost Continent. Too much of a "good thing": it does exist.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 8:57 AM on May 12, 2003

best movie review ever.

just relax.
posted by angry modem at 9:09 AM on May 12, 2003

scarabic > Great job, you've officially succumbed to low-level arguments for boycott
posted by omidius at 9:57 AM on May 12, 2003

What davidmsc said.

(Or, to be more specific: I thought the first third of the original was kinda slow, the middle third showed promise and the last third blew all that promise by turning into a John Woo movie.)
posted by Cyrano at 10:13 AM on May 12, 2003

I went along to see X2 yesterday - which I thought was terrible, btw - and they had not only a trailer for Reloaded, but also a set of trailers for the trailer, which seemed to consist of ads for product tie-ins from Reloaded (e.g. wide screen tvs). The actual trailer sucked pretty badly (chases, explosions, fights, cgi, that odd and loud 'whoomph' sound effect you get in all action movie trailers, etc.). It all seemed pretty far removed from the premise that made the original Matrix actually interesting until the last third of the movie. Harrumph.
posted by carter at 11:01 AM on May 12, 2003

Stop whining.
posted by techgnollogic at 12:11 PM on May 12, 2003

But, if we stop whining, we will have nothing left in our lives.
posted by dg at 3:17 PM on May 12, 2003

Damn, techngnollogic, you caught me. I was wondering however if your whining about my whining could be considered metawhining ;)
posted by carter at 3:36 PM on May 12, 2003

Don't miss the Matrix 2 wallpapers.
posted by modofo at 5:42 PM on May 12, 2003

I thought people at metafilter were generally intelligent enough to recognise an obvious joke.

jesus christ.
posted by mary8nne at 5:53 PM on May 12, 2003

MetaTalk.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:05 PM on May 12, 2003

Giving away the endings? Spoilers? Give me a break! We already freakin' KNOW that there's a sequel -- the main character has to survive this movie, right? And don't we all KNOW that there's a long road-chase? And the bad guy "clones" himself a million times? These are not spoilers, people -- they've been blared to every major media outlet ad nauseum for months.
posted by davidmsc at 6:57 PM on May 12, 2003

A better list of matrix trivia.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:19 PM on May 12, 2003

Reason #1=Nerd.
posted by HTuttle at 9:57 PM on May 12, 2003

ok, i thought that this link sucked...but i found the rebuttal to be absolutely hilarious.
posted by rorycberger at 11:02 PM on May 12, 2003