Gleaming the Cube?

September 5, 2003 6:47 AM

The 20 worst movie titles in the history of Hollywood. I'm guessing that these were so bad the the pr0n industry didn't even deign to spoof them...My personal fave: "THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES"
posted by vito90 (77 comments total)

"THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES"

Obviously this was filmed at my office.
posted by Shane at 6:57 AM on September 5, 2003

EEGAH!, the name written in blood

Never mind the title, what the hell is going on in that screenshot?
posted by backOfYourMind at 7:01 AM on September 5, 2003

Some are funny (like #1), but sorry, "Bend It Like Beckham" has much resonance in the UK, as well as does the tagline about Aloo Gobi.

And "Step Into Liquid"? Well, call me a loser, but I thought it was a cool sounding title.
posted by mapalm at 7:07 AM on September 5, 2003

Loser.
posted by jon_kill at 7:08 AM on September 5, 2003

One of my friends suggested that "Attack of the Clones" might as well be called "Send in the Clones".
posted by jon_kill at 7:10 AM on September 5, 2003

I'm sorry, any list that contains Bend It Like Beckham (which works perfectly being that it's a British phrase and, oh look, it's a British movie) and does not contain the wonderful Fire Down Below should not judge.
posted by Katemonkey at 7:11 AM on September 5, 2003

Teenage Hooker Becomes Killing Machine in Daehakroh, should make honorable mention, for best foreign language bad-titled film. The literal title from the Korean is even better: "The High School Student Who Got Chopped Up While Selling Herself in Daehakroh is Still in Daehakroh."
posted by GiantRobot at 7:14 AM on September 5, 2003

jon_kill...yea, I knew that would come, just not so fast.
posted by mapalm at 7:19 AM on September 5, 2003

yeah, the Bend It Like Beckham one was questionable I thought. I also can't belive they messed with breakin 2: electric boogaloo. i mean damn kid.
posted by untuckedshirts at 7:25 AM on September 5, 2003

What? No Manos, the Hands of Fate?
posted by grabbingsand at 7:28 AM on September 5, 2003

grabbingsand, did you just get discouraged and give up before you got to #3 on the list?
posted by jacquilynne at 7:31 AM on September 5, 2003

Well, I've always been partial to the Herschell Gordon Lewis film She Devils On Wheels, not because the film's title was particularly bad, but because the tagline was so alluringly alliterative:

"Horny Hellcats Humping Hot Hogs!"
posted by MrBaliHai at 7:33 AM on September 5, 2003

Dying Young
posted by matteo at 7:46 AM on September 5, 2003

"Squanto: a Warrior's Tale."
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 7:51 AM on September 5, 2003

The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds and From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

Really long titles that don't tell you anything at all about the movie...the last one was one of my favorites as a kid (this brother and sister run away and live in the Met)
posted by amberglow at 7:53 AM on September 5, 2003

I've always been partial to Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (or Die Satansweiber von Tittfield in German).
posted by rcade at 7:55 AM on September 5, 2003

amberglow, I think that first one is my favorite movie title ever, although I've never managed to see the film.
posted by taz at 7:57 AM on September 5, 2003

Well, I've always been partial to the Herschell Gordon Lewis film She Devils On Wheels, not because the film's title was particularly bad, but because the tagline was so alluringly alliterative:

"Horny Hellcats Humping Hot Hogs!"

Check the tagline for the awfully-titled Bury Me an Angel.
posted by LinusMines at 8:01 AM on September 5, 2003

One of my friends suggested that "Attack of the Clones" might as well be called "Send in the Clones".

Tell your friend that brevity is the soul of wit and that he should shut up.
posted by biffa at 8:02 AM on September 5, 2003

Oh, and "Final Destination 2." There's a second final destination? Not to be confused with destinations that aren't final?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:03 AM on September 5, 2003

"The High School Student Who Got Chopped Up While Selling Herself in Daehakroh is Still in Daehakroh."

So it's a Korean version of the classic Frankenhooker?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:08 AM on September 5, 2003

Die Satansweiber von Tittfield

German film titles, ich flippe mich aus davon!

Groundhog Day = Und täglich grüßt das Murmeltier
posted by MrBaliHai at 8:09 AM on September 5, 2003

I like what it says at the bottom of the page, under #1: CLICK THE BANNER BELOW FOR THE TOP 25 NUDE WEBMASTERS IN SACRAMENTO
posted by archimago at 8:10 AM on September 5, 2003

I almost forgot...this one has to be the worst!

Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?
posted by LinusMines at 8:11 AM on September 5, 2003

LinusMines, thanks, I think I brain-farted on that one.
posted by MrBaliHai at 8:12 AM on September 5, 2003

How about anything that has a present tense verb followed by a name?
posted by ghastlyfop at 8:14 AM on September 5, 2003

XQUZYPHYR,

Not to be confused with The NeverEnding Story 2.
posted by dgaicun at 8:15 AM on September 5, 2003

Also, I nominate any movie that actually uses l33t speak for the goddam title:

Se7en, Thir13en ghosts, Murd3r 8y Num8ers, etc.
posted by dgaicun at 8:21 AM on September 5, 2003

Four simple words:

Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid (1986)<sup>1

1</sup>Also known as Zeisters. The tagline was: 250 lbs. of maniacal fury!
posted by Ljubljana at 8:24 AM on September 5, 2003

The film's director, Ray Dennis Steckler, originally titled the film "The Incredibly Strange Creature: Or Why I stopped Living and Became a Mixed-up Zombie", but under legal threats from Columbia Pictures, who felt it was too close to their upcoming Stanley Kubrick film, "Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb."

Ohhh. OK. So that's why the current title seems so ridiculous. See, I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation.
posted by soyjoy at 8:27 AM on September 5, 2003

Attack of the the Eye Creatures (scroll down to the "also known as" part). They they just didn't care.
posted by biscotti at 8:37 AM on September 5, 2003

Wow.... you're right. How the heck did I miss that?

: picks up phone, dials for eye doctor :
posted by grabbingsand at 8:39 AM on September 5, 2003

Beat Rhinoceros Hunting In Budapest forgive me if it has already been mentioned but the link is dead!
posted by kenaman at 8:41 AM on September 5, 2003

I always liked Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Vampires on Bikini Beach.

Both, by the way, 1988 horror classics screened on USA Up All Night. And as a note, Caroline Schlitt was a hell of a lot funnier than Rhonda Shear on that show. By miles.
posted by tittergrrl at 8:43 AM on September 5, 2003

kenaman, the link's not dead. Maybe it's you who's dead and you've become a mixed-up zombie. Did that ever occur to you?
posted by soyjoy at 8:44 AM on September 5, 2003

Ooh, how about Godzilla fights the giant moth
posted by BigCalm at 8:44 AM on September 5, 2003

What about "Chu-Chu and the Philly Flash?" Or, "Freebie and the Bean"?
posted by drinkcoffee at 8:44 AM on September 5, 2003

Ironically I would see no joy in soy............I'm a hankering after a nice grey (gray fur you yanks) steak!
posted by kenaman at 8:48 AM on September 5, 2003

How to stuff a really wild bikini

How tasty was my little Frenchman
posted by adamrice at 8:49 AM on September 5, 2003

Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation. Holy macaroni! Someone registered the URL and made a website! Hot Rods to Hell Go into "clips" and click "They're gonna crack us up!" That's all you need.
posted by planetkyoto at 8:51 AM on September 5, 2003

It's not even out yet, but what about

Seriously, Dude, where's my car?
posted by backOfYourMind at 8:53 AM on September 5, 2003

Ummm, what's with the masturbating pipe-cleaner man in the tobacco tin?

and no, I'm not on drugs right now... but I think I should be.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 8:53 AM on September 5, 2003

Oh, and "Final Destination 2." There's a second final destination? Not to be confused with destinations that aren't final?

It's the journey, man.
posted by biffa at 8:55 AM on September 5, 2003

Play Murder for Me
Beauty a la Mud
Fakin' Da Funk (starring Pam Grier and Margaret Cho!)
posted by me3dia at 8:56 AM on September 5, 2003

Well, I would sure like to have sexual intercourse with either of the women in Bend it Like Beckham if that would be at all possible.
posted by xmutex at 9:00 AM on September 5, 2003

GhostintheMachine - I have no idea what you mean, but I find your ideas intriguing and would like to subscribe to your newsletter...
posted by backOfYourMind at 9:00 AM on September 5, 2003

As we venture outside of films, I think the title of Fiona Apple's second album rates a mention:

When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King; What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight, and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring - There's No Body to Batter When the Mind Is Your Might, So You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights, and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land, and If You Fail It Won't Matter Cuz You'll Know That You're Right

posted by rcade at 9:07 AM on September 5, 2003

Ages ago I read about some hilarious Japanese translations of English titles. Unfortunately the only two I can remember now are:

"Laverne and Shirley" became "Lunatics Escaped From an Asylum" (because the idea of young single women living on their own was something completely alien to Japanese culture)

and

"Smokey and the Bandit" became "Cars Chasing Across the Country in a Disorganized Fashion".
posted by orange swan at 9:10 AM on September 5, 2003

posted by psmealey at 9:12 AM on September 5, 2003

Sorry, but I can't trust a list that doesn't feature a movie before 1963. That cuts out such classic titles as:

"The Giant Behemoth" (oxymoron, ain't it?)
"The Monster That Challenged The World"
"Rocket Ship X-M"

Outside of the 1950s, there's also "I Wonder Who's Killilng Her Now," "Robot Jox," "She Was a Hippie Vampire" and "Don't Die Too Hard!" (aka The Towering Montparnasse Inferno).

orange swan: If you like bad Japanese translations, you'll probably love this list.

Also, my candidate for worst book title of the decade: "You Shall Know Our Velocity."
posted by ed at 9:22 AM on September 5, 2003

There are some nice ones on IMDB's list of the worst 100 films. Particularly:

Santa with Muscles

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Mannequin: On the Move (for some reason, this title just annoys the crap out of me)

Pokémon the First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back
posted by Tin Man at 9:32 AM on September 5, 2003

boYM (and any others wondering what the hell I was talking about:

You may have missed the link on the left, opposite K-Pax, but I assure you, I
posted by GhostintheMachine at 9:38 AM on September 5, 2003

...'m not making it up. (see above)

(How wonderfully bizarre. My post gets truncated at the Word-altered apostrophe, even though it showed up properly in preview... but the link still works. Also lost: the pithy comment about K-Pax and just moving past it without a second thought... well it was funny in preview. Not so much now that I had to rewrite it.)
posted by GhostintheMachine at 9:47 AM on September 5, 2003

I dismember mama
posted by ciderwoman at 9:48 AM on September 5, 2003

Ironically I would see no joy in soy............I'm a hankering after a nice grey (gray fur you yanks) steak!

What th' - why you... oh, I get it.

Seriously, Dude, where's my car?

Sweet!
posted by soyjoy at 9:55 AM on September 5, 2003

I've always disliked titles that seem to give away plot points, even if they turn out to be fake plot points. For instance:
So I Married an Axe Murderer
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
posted by Alison at 9:59 AM on September 5, 2003

Wait wait! "I Love You, Alice B. Toklas". Also, worst song ever.
posted by drinkcoffee at 10:01 AM on September 5, 2003

The first time I saw a preview for Starship Troopers, the announcment of the title got the biggest, honest-to-God laugh of anything in the theater last night.
posted by stet at 10:33 AM on September 5, 2003

Of course, the movie you were seeing was Schindler's list, so that's not all that surprising.
posted by jonson at 10:38 AM on September 5, 2003

How could I forget Death Ride to Osaka (starring Jennifer Jason Leigh).

And if we allow song titles, who can forget Fishbone's haunting "Voyage to the Land of the Freeze-Dried Godzilla Farts"?
posted by adamrice at 10:44 AM on September 5, 2003

Attack of the the Eye Creatures (scroll down to the "also known as" part). They they just didn't care.

You've got that that right, biscotti!
posted by LinusMines at 10:48 AM on September 5, 2003

I dismember mama

I'll see your IDM and raise you one Chopping Mall (Where Shopping Costs You An Arm And A Leg).

I was bitterly disappointed to finally see this and discover that it's merely the passable-but-ungreat Killbots under a different title.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:08 AM on September 5, 2003

I vote for Yor, the Hunter from the Future

"What's my motivation, Mr. Margheriti?"
"Well, Reb, you're the hunter from the future, and... hmmm, that's got a nice ring to it..."
posted by teradome at 11:32 AM on September 5, 2003

I vote Intolerable Cruelty. That said, I'm sure it'll be a great film, the Coens haven't made a bad one yet.
posted by crayfish at 11:58 AM on September 5, 2003

Do porno titles count? Cause that's the obvious goldmine. Hairy Partner and the Chamber of Secrets, Flesh Gordon, Stop or My Mom Will--no, wait...

(psmealey: Back when I was living in Logan, Utah, they had to retitle Snatch "The Great Diamond Heist", lest it offend someone)
posted by gottabefunky at 12:23 PM on September 5, 2003

Heh. When I worked at a porn shop we had a running list. Some of the ones I remember:

* Jur-Ass in the Park
* Stop or My Bomb Will Shoot
* Regarding Heiny (complete with a mock-up of the Regarding Henry cover)
* Hindfeld (While cleaning out his closet, "Jerry" gets hit on the head by a box of dildos and will only have anal sex)
* Super Hornio Brothers (a takeoff on Super Mario Brothers starring Ron Jeremy. Admittedly, it wasn't much of a stretch)
And my personal favorite, an interracial one called "Guess Who's Comin' To Fuck Ya!"

I could go on and on.
posted by Atom12 at 12:47 PM on September 5, 2003

I thought it was an abysmal list. A third of the examples were fine given the context of the film.

The worst film title ever, imo, is On Deadly Ground.
posted by nthdegx at 1:11 PM on September 5, 2003

I'm really impressed by the banner ad at the bottom of the page for the Top 25 Nude Webmasters in Sacramento (Link goes to SFW banner image). That's a pretty good representation of the Sacto skyline!
posted by Guy Smiley at 1:50 PM on September 5, 2003

This is the worst one I can think of:

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
posted by picea at 4:00 PM on September 5, 2003

Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
posted by Snyder at 4:08 PM on September 5, 2003

My favorite porno title has always been: Shaving Ryan's Privates
posted by drinkcoffee at 4:29 PM on September 5, 2003

Why exactly is THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES a "bad" title? I think it's a perfectly good title for a freaky experimental exploitation movie. (Utterly brilliant, by the way.) Who decided that all movie titles should be short and dull?

For that matter, TISCWSLABM-UZ was not a "Hollywood" movie by any reasonable definition.
posted by Daze at 5:00 PM on September 5, 2003

Bend it Like Bekham is a great title. This guy's mind is always on the porn title any movie would make. Huh. Waddaputz.

r_cade, Faster Pussycat! Kill, Kill, is a great title also and a great saying you can throw around the office to pump up morale. heh-heh. I've used it when being rushed. The movie itself is a scream.

What is wrong with K-19 Widowmaker? The guy has no imagination at all. Hell, the gender genie would say it's a male.

Let's move to the sidebar, ugly furniture from the 70's, where Randy and Robert take you on a tour. Much funnier. Pleather-iffic and Naughalicious! Sex theme continues.
posted by alicesshoe at 6:25 PM on September 5, 2003

I've always been a fan of the "Hell Comes to Frogtown" and "Hell Comes to Frogtown III:Toad Warrior"-"Chopper Chicks In Zombietown" is fairly nice-for porn I am partial to the German film "Dances with Cum"
posted by miss-lapin at 7:23 PM on September 5, 2003

Another frustrating aspect of bad movie titles is when they aren't words at all but symbols or glyphs, like $ or π.

And there are plenty of film titles a single character of the alphabet ("O", "V", "M", "Q", "X", "Z", "G", "W") that refering to them by name alone is bound to confuse.

For merely bad movie titles, however, my personal favorite is the Roger Corman movie Gas-s-s-s... or, It May Become Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save It. ...Just try asking for that one at the video counter.
posted by Down10 at 2:47 AM on September 6, 2003

How about anything that has a present tense verb followed by a name?

I think you meant present tense continuous, but yes, that has been overdone.
posted by bwg at 5:38 AM on September 6, 2003

Oh, just read up on a definite winner for the next Worst-Ten list: The Human Stain.

Coming to theaters soon!
posted by teradome at 8:16 PM on September 9, 2003