86 Rules of Boozing

November 27, 2003 9:15 AM

Modern Drunkard's 86 Rules of Boozing. My favorite?

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
posted by mr_crash_davis (24 comments total)

hehe... some of my favorites:

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
posted by poopy at 9:52 AM on November 27, 2003

oh, and this one:

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

great stuff, thanks!
posted by poopy at 9:59 AM on November 27, 2003

Sisters? Mothers? Can't you just let them all be cousins?

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
I must have some inverted body chemistry, because I just get overly serious whenever I ingest alcohol or any other 'recreational drug'. I was once complimented by a Hollywood writer that I was the only person he knew who wrote funnier while cold sober. At least I think that was a compliment. For a while I considered legally changing my name to "Designated Driver". And life is just a little tougher when you can't ever use the excuse: "But I was drunk..."
posted by wendell at 10:01 AM on November 27, 2003

Heh. I liked number 20 and 24

"Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks."

"After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence."

So, so true. Pity the list is so male centric tho, or am I missing something. I always thought of boozing as a more equal opportunity thing.
posted by arha at 10:06 AM on November 27, 2003

Thank you for an excellent find, mr_crash_davis.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

I worked at some extermely busy bars where I might have a dozen or so people wanting to order a drink at any given moment. More than once I would give a customer "the look" and a "What-can-I-getcha?" only to have the person turn to their buddy and ask them what they wanted. I would be three people down the bar from them when I would hear, "Hey...!"

Be sure to check out the hilarious bar signs as well.
posted by jaronson at 10:07 AM on November 27, 2003

Brilliant.
posted by funkbrain at 10:46 AM on November 27, 2003

I am number 20, and I am proud of it. Beer's an "acquired taste", eh? That just means it tastes rotten. Drinking should be a pleasure, a delight, a party in your mouth to which everyone is invited.

Tia Maria with Lemonade tastes like American Cream Soda. A long vodka is a delicious draught to slake the thirst. Apple Hooch is alcoholic Appletise with an appalling image.

Stepping to the bar should be like entering a candy store, aged 6, not being forced to eat your greens. More power to the girl drinks!
posted by bonaldi at 10:52 AM on November 27, 2003

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

Oh...so not true... ;) Well, maybe not screaming...

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

The tequila lesson is always the hardest to learn...

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

Truly, one of the most annoying things one of my regulars used to do when I was a bartender. I eventually just started making up weird drinks and serving them to him. But, it was a topless bar, so he'd pay the usurious fee and wander off with his sticky green concoction. Nipples apparently have a way of making men mellow about being abused by the bar staff.
posted by dejah420 at 11:08 AM on November 27, 2003

I am number 20, and I am proud of it. Beer's an "acquired taste", eh? That just means it tastes rotten.

Stop drinking horrid American Pilsner style beers.

I used to drink some chicky drinks before and no one cared. As long as it's not in a fru fru looking glass you're good to go.
posted by Akuinnen at 11:11 AM on November 27, 2003

... when they're bright orange and you're in the east end of Glasgow you just aren't good to go. I downgrade to the Mars bar of girl drinks at that point. Hello, Vodka and Coke
posted by bonaldi at 11:31 AM on November 27, 2003

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

No kidding. I've been to a lot of BYOB parties where someone decides that the beer I brought is better than the Yellow Fizzy beer they brought. It's depressing to go back to the fridge and find your good beer gone and only crap left.
posted by Akuinnen at 12:17 PM on November 27, 2003

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

Can I get an amen?!
posted by soundofsuburbia at 3:06 PM on November 27, 2003

I've seen people way beyond felonious when drinking tequila. Bad stuff.
posted by tommasz at 6:02 PM on November 27, 2003

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

Yes, yes, a thousand times. I get so tired of hearing "no, I'm quitting" only to have that same person smoke more of my cigarettes than I do.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

Does that really work? There has been at least one point in time in my life where I've witnessed someone trying to break the neck of a wine bottle just to get the goods inside. She was an idiot, but I didn't really have any other suggestions for her, and I wasn't about to drink that glass-infected stuff (hey, I resisted using shard-onnay, um, until now).

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

I reluctantly accept that rule, but I fucking hate it, especially when I open a friend's cabinet and see more than three bottles that I bought in there.

Great link Crash. Thanks.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:43 PM on November 27, 2003

You know, I think tequila gets a bad rap. I certainly shared all y'all's opinions on tequila when I limited myself to Cuervo and the like. Then, I had an eye-opening experience with Sauza Hornito (I believe I have the name correct, I'm new to the tequila thing). Downright tasty 100% agave tequila.

It was one of those situations where I was sober right up until the bar closed and started drinking at 2:30 when the bartender started pouring not shots but entire glasses of Hornito. My god, It it was delicious. It reminded me of scotch in complexity and general tastiness.

So yeah, we drank good tequila until 7:30 in the morning and I woke up blissfully hangover-free the next day. Furthermore, it was the mellowist group drunk I'd ever participated in. The worst outbreak was a guitarist with a bad case of I-love-you-man. The proprietor of the establishment swore that 100%-agave will never give you a hangover. He may be right.

The only drawback to good tequila is that, no matter how much or little I drink, the taste seems to live in the back of my throat for the next three days.

But yeah, cheap tequila, that's some vile shit. Gimme Old Crow over that any day.
posted by stet at 9:45 PM on November 27, 2003

>"Drink one girly drink..."

There's a bit of sliding scale with this one. Some bars serve vodka and orange juice in a tall slender glass, others in a curvy globe with umbrellas and fruit.

(I told my somewhere-between-a-handshake-and-a-kiss quiet-drink companion that Keith Richards drinks vodka and orange, it must be how he's survived, the vitamin C, the ice... She didn't buy it and the server looked aghast when I ordered it.)

That said, I agree with arha
>Pity the list is so male centric

Good find, mr_crash_davis
posted by philfromhavelock at 10:07 PM on November 27, 2003

Ufez - yes, you can push the cork into the bottle, although if you've had a few you inevitably get sprayed with wine as you do it. The best no-tool-for-the-job trick though is opening a bottle of beer with a lighter or item of cutlery...



Fig. 1. - Position lighter between lip of bottle cap and index (bracing) finger of left hand.

Fig. 2. - Using bracing finger as fulcrum, push lighter down while edge of lighter neatly lifts cap from bottle

If you're using cutlery, use the arm of the item as the lever, and fulcrum from your index finger knuckle.

(pic from http://www.duckyousucker.com)
posted by jonvaughan at 1:58 AM on November 28, 2003

As a DJ, I feel obliged to repost:

> 26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

and stand back with my arms crossed and an "OK?" look on my face...
posted by benzo8 at 2:04 AM on November 28, 2003

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

Does that really work? There has been at least one point in time in my life where I've witnessed someone trying to break the neck of a wine bottle just to get the goods inside. She was an idiot, but I didn't really have any other suggestions for her, and I wasn't about to drink that glass-infected stuff (hey, I resisted using shard-onnay, um, until now).

Actually, you can easily replace a corkscrew with two thin-bladed knives (ideally use small-but-sturdy penknife blades). Stick them between the cork and the glass at opposite points of the circumference. Once they've gone in at least an inch, press both knife handles together making a closed fist and pull. It might take a bit of wiggling around, but it is preferable to pushing the cork into a good wine.

Breaking the neck of the bottle and then drinking the contents is flat-out asking for a Darwin award.
posted by magullo at 2:29 AM on November 28, 2003

Unless, of course, it's a bottle of champagne. The sommelier and his sabre is a sight to see...
posted by benzo8 at 3:04 AM on November 28, 2003

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
posted by Eirixon at 4:15 AM on November 28, 2003

benzo8 That sabre is sooo for Darwin award nominees connoisseurs who already have everything yet are still looking for the ultimate thrill. Like imitating an officer of the Napoleonic army.

/It's the nice cyan background that tipped me to it
posted by magullo at 4:33 AM on November 28, 2003

I'm totally wasted now, in case anybody cares.

No?
posted by spazzm at 7:41 AM on November 28, 2003

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

Does that really work?

Yes, it works; or at least something close to it does. I once found myself up in the mountains on a picnic with a baguette, some brie, and a bottle of wine, but no corkscrew. After much deliberation, we went back to the car, got out its emergency repair kit, and used the socket wrench to push the cork down into the bottle. Since then I've made a point of leaving a corkscrew in the glove box for every car I've owned.
posted by Mars Saxman at 10:21 AM on November 28, 2003