If you can read this, the bitch fell off

October 13, 2004 11:06 AM

Biker angst on EbayIt's been poltergeisted and cootie-scanned -- man sells ex-wife's helmet. Description reads like drunken letter to Penthouse.
posted by joaquim (30 comments total)

Yeah, "I brought in a Poltergeist to 'cleanse' the helmet" is undoubtedly an A+.
posted by logovisual at 11:16 AM on October 13, 2004

"You have my word as a human being."
posted by solistrato at 11:26 AM on October 13, 2004

A strange soap box to climb up on and spew forth his anger and hatred towards his ex-wife.

That and someone should really let the guy know that there's a tag that breaks up huge blocks of text into more readable sections.

Seems like he's mostly interested in women to park his dick in for a little while. Nice that he seems to give absolutely not the first damn for his child.
posted by fenriq at 11:35 AM on October 13, 2004

fenriq, I read the whole thing as a joke, a kind of sad fable of what happens when you let your genitals do the thinking.

I mean, it is fake, right? This guy isn't for real, is he?
posted by jokeefe at 11:42 AM on October 13, 2004

I wouldn't take that guy's word that he is a human being.

What an embarrassing specimen. {shudder}
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:43 AM on October 13, 2004

Very funny, and very believable. As far as "embarrassing specimen" - what about the wife asking him to give up his hobby and his sex life? Relationships go in the crapper all the time, regardless of who is at fault... this guy had the will to extract himself while maintaining his sense of humor. I'm with fenriq on one thing, though: the baby is the big loser in this little tale.
posted by letitrain at 11:48 AM on October 13, 2004

Mmm... crotch rockets.
posted by debralee at 11:49 AM on October 13, 2004

jokeefe: Hang out in any of the eight or nine bars on the main drag a block from my house, on any Friday night. You'll meet lots of guys like this. Sometimes it's bikes, sometimes it's darts, sometimes it's volleyball.

And yet, the amazing thing is that somebody picked him as a likely candidate for fatherhood.

What I like about this is that there's damn near a novel -- certainly a small indy film -- buried in this narrative. I'm pretty sure it's "real", but I'm not sure it could be improved on as fiction. It's one of those thumb-on-the-scab things: You're disgusted by it, but you can't stop reading...

On reflection: So many people here seem to be looking through this and actually thinking about it. What a strange concept...haven't we learned from the few years that we're just supposed to laugh at people like [him / his ex]? What silly mortals we are...
posted by lodurr at 11:51 AM on October 13, 2004

I'm not in the same situation as this guy but there are some commonalities.

I'm a biker, have been for a long, long time. Met a woman who loved to ride, she still does but hasn't in a long time. We got married, she got pregnant.

And that's where the similarities end. I love my wife dearly but I utterly adore my baby boy. I would quite honestly walk through fire for him.

It may be a joke or a back story to pump up the auction but it reads like a cautionary tale on staying away from this "specimen".
posted by fenriq at 11:55 AM on October 13, 2004

This reminds me of the past ebay auction for some guy's ex-wife's wedding dress, which later turned out to be a hoax (the dress was real, the story was not).

I suspect this to be the same, where someone buys something for ten bucks at a yard sale, then concocts a crazy story to garner traffic and praise, selling it for hundreds of bucks in the end.
posted by mathowie at 11:55 AM on October 13, 2004

jokeefe: Hang out in any of the eight or nine bars on the main drag a block from my house, on any Friday night. You'll meet lots of guys like this. Sometimes it's bikes, sometimes it's darts, sometimes it's volleyball.

Right... I knew there was a reason why I lit out for the cloisters of academe all those years ago.

'Cause there, all the men are smart and thoughtful. Yeppers. No ego issues, just the dedicated shared search for knowledge.

No, I am not making any sense. It's Wednesday, dammit. What do you want?
posted by jokeefe at 12:03 PM on October 13, 2004

Now, i'm thinking to myself, this chicks cool, she's hot, has big boobs, and loves motorcycles. I gotta snag this one up quick.

Classic.
posted by gottabefunky at 12:06 PM on October 13, 2004

Man, I need to open a Hard Luck Ebay store.

1. Find random items
2. Make up a little novella of pathos to go with it
3. Find gullible buyers
4. PROFIT!
posted by dejah420 at 12:08 PM on October 13, 2004

Hmmm...according to my Bullshit-English/English-Bullshit Dictionary & Phrasebook, the seller of the auction is actually saying:

"I wrecked my bike recently, and my parents were so upset, they said they weren't going to fix it for me. Now I have to sell my brainbowl just so I can pay the speeding fine."

I also see the auction's been pulled. Imagine that.
posted by Smart Dalek at 12:12 PM on October 13, 2004

Alas, the auction's been deleted. Has anyone got a mirror?
posted by soundofsuburbia at 12:12 PM on October 13, 2004

ah, ferchristsake. can we put something in the rules about not linking to ebay items? the thing's already vanished.
posted by bob sarabia at 12:15 PM on October 13, 2004

It's one of those thumb-on-the-scab things: You're disgusted by it, but you can't stop reading...

whoa! dude! scabs in braille!
posted by quonsar at 12:26 PM on October 13, 2004

bet you can't eat just one.
posted by quonsar at 12:30 PM on October 13, 2004

Buying a used helmet is about as safe as buying a used condom.
posted by eamondaly at 12:33 PM on October 13, 2004

Buying a used helmet is about as safe as buying a used condom.

...but 75% less disgusting.
posted by spacewrench at 12:42 PM on October 13, 2004

Description:

This Helmet is like brand new. I bought it for my wife, but it's to small for her big fat head.You know, it was all a big lie right from the beginning. I asked her if she liked bikes, (i've been riding since i was 9 years old.) She's like "Yeah, I love Motorcycles, they're great!" Now, i'm thinking to myself, this chicks cool, she's hot, has big boobs, and loves motorcycles. I gotta snag this one up quick.Little did i know that as soon as i gave her the engagement ring, all that would change. First, it was a subtle hint, you know, that the wedding's going to be expensive, and that that band costs just as much as my motorcycle. With all these wedding plans going on, i hardly have time to ride my bike. I'm schleping all over the state looking at reception halls, listening to cheesy wedding bands, and picking out floral arrangements. She brings up the fact that i havn't ridden my bike in a while now, (No kidding!! She won't let me out of her sight for more than 5 minutes!) and that maybe i should sell it. Now, that brings a whole lot of tension into the situation. I'm like no way! Then i notice that our sex life has reduced dramatically. A man has gotta do, what he's gotta do, so, i sell the bike, thinking that things will get better. She promises me, that as soon as we get married, she'll get a good job, and then i can get another bike. We get married, and we're having sex everyday. Life is good. The Evil One is looking for work for like, 6 months. I find it hard to believe that she can't find a damn job, but who am i to say? She's just holding out for that Management position she says. To be quite honest, i really don't care, she's cleaning my pipes better than Roto Rooter. Then the kicker...She tells me she's pregnant. All the while i thought she was on the pill! I ask her how this happened, and she said the pill gave her facial hair. (I really couldn't see a difference, after all she is Italian). Fast Foward 9 months...i'm out breaking my back doing manual labor, she's a big, fat, hairy lipped beach ball, with the disposition of a rabid Pit Bull. Nothing i say, or do is good enough for her. The day she gave birth, i thought again, that things will change for the better. WRONG!! Now everythings about the baby. Me, i'm second fiddle. Sex life? Ha! The only time i get some action is when i see her breast feeding the little bastard! I'm going crazy, at least if i had a motorcycle, i could take out some of my frustration. Even the guys at work notice how miserable i've been. One day, my partner rolls up on a brand new bike. I wanted to commit suicide. He knows how bad i wanted another bike. He see's the look in my eye, and asks me if i would like to take it out for a spin Friday night. It was truly the first time i lit up since marrying that bitch. Friday rolls around, i cash my check, and head on over to my partners house. I cruise around for a while, and end up at this little bar on the edge of town. I head up to the bar, place my helmet on it, and order a beer. I look over and see this little hottie chatting it up with her friends. I notice that the eye contact is getting more and more frequent. After a few more minutes, she walks over to me and tells me she just loves motorcycles. That they get her "excited". I ask her if she wants to go for a ride. Her beautifully full lips widen with a pearly white smile. I take that as a yes. I grab her by the hand, and lead her to the bike. She straps on the spare helmet that was on the bike, and away we go. We ride for hours. She taps me on the shoulder, and tells me her apartment is on the next block. Would i want to stop in for a while and have another beer. Who am i to say no? I watch her lead the way, and i can't keep my eyes off of her tight lil' behind. I think back to the days when old hippo ass looked like this. Well, once upstairs, one beer turned into two, and so on. The next thing i know, i'm in bed with her, and she was amazing! It was the best expierence i have ever had. Right then i had an epiphany. I had to be happy. I wasn't going to live a miserable existance for the rest of my life and something had to be done. Long story short, i left my hairy beast of a wife. (She's done good since i left. She remarried an Appliance salesman named Harold.) While i was moving out, i came across the helmet. I don't ever want to be reminded of my miserable past life, so please, make a bid. I have a motorcycle payment to make! The helmet has no scratches, size MED and i would rate it a 9 out of 10 Winning bidder to Pay with PAYPAL ONLY. Winning Bidder to pay all Shipping costs. I ship UPS ONLY. No Zero or Negative Feedback Bidders.

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On Oct-12-04 at 15:24:25 PDT, seller added the following information:

Ok guys, First off, i gotta thank everyone for the great Emails. (Especially the Hotties sending me Topless pics. BTW, i never get tired of that!) I gotta get some things out here. ****** This is a no joke auction, so please, don't bid unless your gonna buy the helmet. I really need the money, and i don't think its fair to the people who really want to bid on this. Thnaks!***** Ok, some concerns have been brought up to me in a few of my emails. FIRST! Let me state that this helmet is not CURSED! I have brought in a Poltergeist to "cleanse" the Helmet. I assure you that their will be no left over "Bitch" residue in the helmet when the winning bidder recieves it.I also had the helmet INFRARED SCANNED for cooties, and it passed with flying colors. You have my word as a human being. I would never subject anyone to the hell i went through. SECOND! Many of you have asked for pics of the Ex. Come on now People! Do you REALLY expect me to have any pics of her. I damn near wanted to drink a gallon of Bleach just to clean my mouth out cause i remeber having to kiss her goodnight! If you need a visual, Halloween is coming soon. When the little grubby bastards come trick or treating with there scary masks, times it by 100, and you still won't be close to the UG-LEE-NESS of that Wildebeast. Again, it's been friggin' fun. Mikey Buell
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posted by DBAPaul at 1:01 PM on October 13, 2004

Matthowie, I remember that one, I tried to find the thread here but came up empty. I'm sure its been discussed here though.

It was a great story, this one's just mediocre.

Smart Dalek, if he'd wrecked his bike then I would guess that the helmet would be alot more than just lightly scratched up. Having been in a couple of bike wrecks myself. But maybe he did wreck and this is actually the wife's helmet? You could be close.

Either way, its a shame that a loser like this made a child and that he doesn't seem to give the first damn about it. That should be grounds for immediate expulsion from the human race.

emondaly, excellent point. A helmet can look like its in perfect condition but could have been damaged by cleaning solvents or any number of other substances. And you really, really, really don't want to find out the painful way that your "bargain" helmet isn't a bargain at all.

What's the old saying? "If you've got a ten dollar head then buy a ten dollar helmet".
posted by fenriq at 1:28 PM on October 13, 2004

DBAPaul, I'd not noticed the Mikey Buell name at the end, this pretty much clinches it as a hoax.
posted by fenriq at 1:51 PM on October 13, 2004

Here's a mirror.
posted by bakiwop at 1:58 PM on October 13, 2004

bet you can't eat just one.

THANKS! man what's up with the halloween costume?
posted by Peter H at 2:41 PM on October 13, 2004

To be quite honest, i really don't care, she's cleaning my pipes better than Roto Rooter.

Does this mean she gives him diarrhea?
posted by Hildegarde at 3:51 PM on October 13, 2004

Wow! I'm doing ALL my Christmas shopping on mirrors.meepzorp this year!
posted by yhbc at 4:43 PM on October 13, 2004

In any case, this is the best thing on eBay.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:05 PM on October 13, 2004

Nice that he seems to give absolutely not the first damn for his child.
--
I'm with fenriq on one thing, though: the baby is the big loser in this little tale.
--
Either way, its a shame that a loser like this made a child and that he doesn't seem to give the first damn about it. That should be grounds for immediate expulsion from the human race.

Aren't we being just a little judgemental from half a sentence in a rant written by (if true) a bitter and resentful man about his ex-wife?
posted by Mitheral at 8:05 AM on October 14, 2004

who believes his story? c'mon, hands up!

right, now go stand in the corner and have a good long think about what you've done.

tut.
posted by Frasermoo at 9:56 AM on October 14, 2004