The world is in your hands

October 29, 2004 2:56 PM

A Young Man's Guide to Masturbation

There's a good Q&A: "How can you tell if a girl likes you? Is it bad to stick your penis in the vacuum cleaner hose or that long thing you use to get in cracks and corners?" (age 13)
If she smiles at you, she probably likes you. And you already know the answer to your second question.

Mainly, the site wants you not to do it wrong. [Thank you Monkeyfilter]
posted by iffley (32 comments total)

Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) is the habit some males have of masturbating in a face-down (prone) position. Masturbating face-down puts excessive pressure on the penis, and especially on the base of the penis.

But it's okay if you have a Real Doll under you, right? Right? Yeah, course it is.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 3:04 PM on October 29, 2004

When I study I always play with my penis. Is this harmful? (age 15)

Not to your penis, but probably to your studying.
posted by swift at 3:14 PM on October 29, 2004

Most people regard touching the penis of another male for purposes of sexual gratification as homosexual activity. You should keep that in mind if you decide to masturbate with other males.

Well, that should scare all those English schoolboys.
posted by Hildegarde at 3:24 PM on October 29, 2004

The correct way for a male to masturbate is to form a loose fist around his erect penis and stroke in an up and down motion. Masturbating any other way can lead to sexual difficulties later.

??? Please, do share your experiences with us...
posted by hoskala at 3:35 PM on October 29, 2004

I can remember Jackin' World being incredibly helpful to me in my early years.
posted by Evstar at 3:40 PM on October 29, 2004

I've read that stimulating the prostate will make me ejaculate a lot. How do I stimulate my prostate? (age 15)

I advise against this experiment. The prostate is stimulated through the rectum. Unless you know what you're doing, you're apt to hurt yourself, and unless you're planning to make anal sex with males your main sexual outlet in life, you're setting yourself up for a form of arousal that can't be duplicated in ordinary sexual activity.

i'm not as assplay fan, myself, but i certainly know heterosexual men who are. this answer (and some of the others) seems a bit prejudiced. has he never really heard of a strap-on, or met women who like to fuck their men in the ass? (i'll admit, there's probably not many)

The goal of masturbation should be ejaculation.

i would disagree here as well.

so ... who is this guy? i find it very suspicious that he doesn't identify himself anywhere. unless i'm missing it ...

whoisd lookup lists only Veritas Communications. WTF?

could he be the elusive Lawrence Sank?
posted by mrgrimm at 3:41 PM on October 29, 2004

What the.... can anybody of the penile persuasion please comment on this so called 'Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome'?
posted by jokeefe at 3:42 PM on October 29, 2004

Only that it's, well, traumatic.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 3:46 PM on October 29, 2004

I thought it might refer to having your grandmother walk in on you, or something.

However, I think the anxiety here consists of the fear that one might grow to prefer self service to the 'real thing', as in this piece of advice from the distaff side of the site:

A man brings a woman to orgasm in intercourse by his penis stimulating her clitoris and/or her vaginal walls. This is nothing like the feeling of a bathroom faucet, let alone a powerful water jet, against a woman's clitoris. A woman who's used to stimulation by running water is unlikely to be satisfied by sexual intercouse. The pressure from a man rubbing his penis against and inside her is simply no comparison to water pressure.

Uh, yeah, I guess. But you know, Mr. Penis doesn't have to do all the work himself. God gave us tongues for a reason.
posted by jokeefe at 3:58 PM on October 29, 2004

If TMS is walk-in related, ooh boi-ez, we gals've got some of it.
posted by DenOfSizer at 4:32 PM on October 29, 2004

Very anti-gay, if you like that sorta thing. Basically - "wank alone, wait till you're 18 to have 'full sex' and don't do anything that maight get you teh Gay".

Meh.
posted by dash_slot- at 4:33 PM on October 29, 2004

Very anti-gay, if you like that sorta thing... Meh.

Tell me about it! I chose to suck a guy's dick so it's okay to burn me at the stake?
posted by Kwantsar at 4:52 PM on October 29, 2004

“The prostate is stimulated through the rectum. Unless you know what you're doing, you're apt to hurt yourself, and unless you're planning to make anal sex with males your main sexual outlet in life, you're setting yourself up for a form of arousal that can't be duplicated in ordinary sexual activity.”

Precisely why I seek out extraordinary sexual activity and have a weakness for long fingered women.
posted by arse_hat at 12:12 AM on October 30, 2004

For the sake of sharing more than I should, I began masturbating with the technique he describes as TMS. It is a very different type of stimulation. However, I am over that now, and I wank with a first like all good red-blooded males now.

That being said, I have not had the problems he descibes, but perhaps slightly the opposite. If you get my meaning. But's it's all good now.
posted by sycophant at 12:40 AM on October 30, 2004

With a fist. God dammit.
posted by sycophant at 12:41 AM on October 30, 2004

Ok, I was brave enough to do a scientific test of the "right" way versus the "wrong" way.

I guess I have been doing it the wrong way for a long time! I actually got a little concerned with all of this, seeing as I notice trouble ejaculating with my partners from time to time. Tonight I tested my theory, and I came to these conclusions:

Doing it the prone position for 10 years, I found it at first difficult to move onto the "right" way (sitting up) and noticed it took about twice as long.

Secondly, to my surprise, different fantasies worked better than my tried and true ones. Pretty cool!

Third, I exploded like GOD and collapsed.

Afterwards my penis felt numb. It went away after 5 minutes.

My theory questions the manner in which this article stipulates how hard it is for someone to change their classical masturbatory cycle. The classical fanatasies I use worked, but in a different point of view. I can't really explain this phenomenom. Perhaps a few other members of the scientific community would care to try this for themselves.
posted by Keyser Soze at 12:46 AM on October 30, 2004

Normal males can masturbate almost anywhere.
posted by sklero at 4:08 AM on October 30, 2004

Mainly, the site wants you not to do it wrong.

I understand there's someone that posts here at MeFi that eats cheetos while masturbating. Is that wrong?
posted by nofundy at 4:49 AM on October 30, 2004

Proposed motto:

"SEX CAN WAIT -- MASTURBATE!"
posted by superchicken at 4:53 AM on October 30, 2004

The TMS thing is pretty silly, I think it has more to do with people who put too much pressure on poor mr. wiggly, period. I slept with one guy who I just... couldn't... blow. It was impossible. Oral sex did nothing for him. One time I was just kind of playing with his dick and he goes "no, like this" and closes his hand around and mine and squeezes the everliving bejeezus out of it. It was like he was trying to make penis-diamonds. But no, that was how he masturbated. To which I said "well christ, no wonder my feeble mouth is incapable of getting you off."
posted by kavasa at 6:16 AM on October 30, 2004

The expert techniques page at Jackin' World is bound to thrill those who dig the variety, and Jackin' World says teh gay is a-ok.
posted by moonbird at 6:42 AM on October 30, 2004

>there's someone that posts here at MeFi that eats cheetos while masturbating. Is that wrong?

As long as he's not doing it prone, I think he can carry on. The correct technique will also help avoid crumbs in this case.
posted by iffley at 7:19 AM on October 30, 2004

The very nature of TMS means that it can only be done in bed. Normal males can masturbate almost anywhere.

Not if the bus driver catches you.
posted by MarkC at 7:27 AM on October 30, 2004

Metafilter: I exploded like GOD and collapsed.



Sorry.
posted by jokeefe at 7:50 AM on October 30, 2004

If you can't have orgasm during intercourse, that frequently means you masturbate too much.

Or, it could also mean that you are a master of tantric sex, like Sting.
posted by psmealey at 8:25 AM on October 30, 2004

Sorry to my roommate in advance, if he happens to stumble across this:
As a TMS-er, I'm concerned about the graph that relates sexual pleasure derived from sex to pleasure derived from masturbation. As the confusing Excel chart shows, TMS-ers choose masturbation as being more fun than non-TMS-ers. That's actually great as far as I'm concerned - I'd rather have more fun masturbating than having sex, because I get it so much more often.
posted by hoborg at 9:20 AM on October 30, 2004

Oh, man, I am so gonna regret this...

I know what he's talk about with this whole "TMS" thing. I have no how - and I don't want to know - I ever started doing what he's describing, but heaven and Pat Robertson help me, I did. And as a young adult, it actually was a problem, at least in my case.

I think ya'll's missing his point. While he does say "prone," he also says, " face down, rubbing the little soldier against the mattress" - or, words to that effect. What he's actually talking about is the pressure of your own weight, added to the force of moving the little guy back and forth. Following me? See how that might present some... "difficulties"... in recreating the experience you associate with ejaculating? Sex with women is not a topic about which I know a great deal, but unless I'm mistaken, the... um... "grip" of female sexual organs doesn't usually get described as "squeezing the ever living bejesus out of me" (except in certain films and periodicals that I don't even want to know about).

Even when being the active partner in anal sex with other men, where the "fit" is a little "tighter" - if you know what I mean - it took me a while as an adult to "relearn" what everything was "supposed" to feel like. It was literally years before any of the kavasa's of this world were able to achieve their oral goals and only recently has the touch of another man's hand... uh... "done the job."

I'm happy to say it's not that much of an issue, at least for me (having a boyfriend whose half my age is, I'm sure, a contributing factor - there's something to be said for enthusiasm that overcomes inexperience...) But it is a real "affliction" that could be avoided if guys knew where to find more reliable information on this topic on the Internets (or, I suppose to put it into timeframes from my childhood, through some kinds of Morse code...)
posted by JollyWanker at 11:09 AM on October 30, 2004

TMS sounds like a godsend for overweight chicks who like to be on top.
posted by Space Coyote at 11:33 AM on October 30, 2004

since we're all sharing, i've masturbated "prone" (though i think that word does not mean what he thinks it means) a hell of a lot of time (though rarely to ejaculation), and had no problems. is it not my "regular" position, but so be it.

i also still would like to know who the author is, and why he doesn't identify himself.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:08 PM on October 30, 2004

Jolly - we appreciate your efforts, and it's good to know that the, hee, trauma can be healed.

Hee hee.
posted by kavasa at 1:25 PM on October 30, 2004

This one time... at Band Camp...




(and we have a JollyWanker commenting on a thread about wanking and being jolly... oh goodness.)
posted by madman at 2:25 PM on October 30, 2004

Afterwards my penis felt numb. It went away after 5 minutes.

Where did it go?
posted by ODiV at 3:12 PM on October 30, 2004