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(Hypothetical) Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin
December 29, 2004 12:18 PM Subscribe

Steve Perry Fan Fiction"11:30 Halloween night and Steve Perry pulled up to the very dark and deserted pumpkin patch in his Toyota Land Cruiser and when he came to a stop he looked out through the gloom to see if anyone else was here and in his own way he was hoping, hoping that some of his old band mates would show but with the reaction he got he really didn’t expect them to be here but he could hope couldn’t he."
posted by Swampjazz! (58 comments total)

portal of evil?
posted by crazy finger at 12:28 PM on December 29, 2004

I can't bring myself to read more than a sentence or two, but in the abstract I'm perversely pleased to know this exists.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:30 PM on December 29, 2004

Steve turns to Neal and Neal straightens his hat.

"Yeah I always wondered what you would like with a beard."

"And?"

"You look like Steve Perry with a beard."

Brilliant.
posted by grabbingsand at 12:33 PM on December 29, 2004

I just don't stop believin' that someone wrote this..
posted by fixedgear at 12:52 PM on December 29, 2004

No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No.
posted by dong_resin at 12:53 PM on December 29, 2004

Also :
No.
posted by dong_resin at 12:54 PM on December 29, 2004

Who's Steve Perry?
posted by odinsdream at 1:07 PM on December 29, 2004

Steve Perry's just a funky moose.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:10 PM on December 29, 2004

Who's Steve Perry?

Your parents will tell you once you're old enough.
posted by Swampjazz! at 1:12 PM on December 29, 2004

What.
posted by keswick at 1:16 PM on December 29, 2004

So this is real? This is really real? God knows a lot of us were burned by that Billy Bragg fanfic site that turned out to be a hoax. But this looks like a real domain, there are no comments that I can find in the source code, and that font and art are just pure, naive genius ...
posted by maudlin at 1:16 PM on December 29, 2004

odinsdream: Steve Perry, the man, the myth, the mullet.

Also, the lead singer of Journey.

(although, upon searching google images, I find his hair to be far less mulletesque than I remembered)
posted by Kellydamnit at 1:17 PM on December 29, 2004

This can't be real. I hope and pray for the sake of humanity, that it's all just one bad dream. A dream that we have all lived through, and now we can put it behind us.
posted by grateful at 1:21 PM on December 29, 2004

Allow me to add
No.

And following that, Swampjazz! is correct - He is my stepmother's C-R-U-S-H ... heck she still has a pic of him on her nightstand.
posted by niteHawk at 1:22 PM on December 29, 2004

Ah, yes, there it is....
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:27 PM on December 29, 2004

At first, I was all eye-rolling incredulity that this could possibly be interesting, but then I saw the index-page picture of Perry on the horse.

And then I found Lisa'a poem...this is good.
posted by everichon at 1:39 PM on December 29, 2004

The only thing that could possibly top this would be Geddy Lee fan fiction.
posted by spinifex23 at 1:53 PM on December 29, 2004

This is actually stupid. With a huge helping dose of Pathetic. Capital P.
posted by xmutex at 1:59 PM on December 29, 2004

Strangely erotic.
posted by Slagman at 2:05 PM on December 29, 2004

DISCLAIMER: All stories, unless otherwise noted are penned by LAB and they are owned by this website, any and all reproduction without permission is strictly prohibited. Please keep in mind that all stories here are FICTION! This site is NOT AFFILATED with Steve Perry or any other members, past or present. Any resemblance to anyone,whether living or dead, or any circumstances is completely a concidence and too scary to think about
posted by thomcatspike at 2:19 PM on December 29, 2004

This fulfills a need I wasn't aware that I had....mmmmm Steve Perry
posted by yodelingisfun at 2:22 PM on December 29, 2004

Jesus god and little baby Jesus.
posted by Specklet at 2:29 PM on December 29, 2004

roffle doffle!

For an interesting historical perspective on the phenomenon that is Journey, check out "Castles Burning", a looong interview with their manager d00d.

(Note: he doesn't seem too fond of ol' Steve.)
posted by First Post at 2:31 PM on December 29, 2004

I can't make it past the front page but this is simultaneously the best and worst thing I've ever encountered on MeFi. Good lord.
posted by Space Kitty at 2:37 PM on December 29, 2004

Oh my. This is gonna be tearing me apart. Every. Every. Day.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:11 PM on December 29, 2004

I still have nightmares about Roy Orbison in Cling-film.

I start at the feet and work my way up. I wrap him as tenderly as a mother swaddling an infant. I marvel at the play of light on the miraculous translucence. Soon, Roy Orbison is entirely wrapped in cling-film. I thank God that I was born to live this minute.
posted by Voivod at 3:30 PM on December 29, 2004

Ok, no... Roy Orbison in cling film? I didn't think it could get worse...
posted by miss lynnster at 3:34 PM on December 29, 2004

Oh great, now I'll have Journey's back catalogue running through my head all night.

Thanks a lot, metafilter.
posted by cmonkey at 3:53 PM on December 29, 2004

"Man!, no way is this poser gonna be the lead singer of my band!" The angry guitar player walks over and begins to circle Steve, scoping him out. "This guy looks like he's just rode in on a turnip truck."

I am in awe.
posted by Infinite Jest at 4:01 PM on December 29, 2004

Is this particularly more disturbing than, say, Hanson fan fiction?
posted by abcde at 4:16 PM on December 29, 2004

Fanfiction: you can have it Any Way You Want It.
posted by corianderstem at 5:01 PM on December 29, 2004

The Roy Orbison page is a joke, by this master of comedy.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 5:17 PM on December 29, 2004

Fanfiction is a subject of great interest to me...I hope you don't mind if I take a bit of space expounding on the subject...

Remember that movie no one went to see? Dozens of people are writing fanfiction about it. That TV show you don't really remember that well? HUNDREDS of people are writing elaborate stories expanding upon its premise. That pop band you turned off the instant they came on the radio? Denizens of the internet are busily penning homoerotic exploits for them.

If the internet is where the dirtiest minds can get their filthiest desires fulfilled, fanfiction is the part of the internet that even those perverts don't like to talk about.

Sure, it seems innocent enough on the surface. X-Files and Star Wars fans just trying to play a part in expanding the universe they've invested so much time in. Nothing too strange, right? Delve a little deeper and you'll find they've taken it upon themselves to invent sex lives for the characters. Not just of the "Well, of course Anakin and Amidala had to do it at least once..." variety, but of the "entire sites dedicated to the homosexual relationship between Luke Skywalker and Han Solo" variety.

"Okay," you say to yourself, open-minded as always, "there's room for homosexuality in Star Wars. Why not?"

Then you click on over to "Chasing Midnight" and find Michael Knight making passionate love to KITT, who has been granted a robot body.

Everything has fanfiction. Wonder what it would be like if Alex P. Keaton was stabbed on Family Ties? Head over to the Family Ties Fanfiction page and find it written in broken english in Alex: The Living Dead.

Remember Newsies, the movie about turn-of-the-century street urchins who sell newspapers, sing, and backflip their little hearts out? No? Well, enough people remember it so fondly that there's 17 websites dedicated to writing stories about it. One gem, only available through Google Cache, is "Da Newsies Go West", for which the author gives the description: Well, I was bored the other day and decided to play a game of Oregon Trail using Newsies characters, my sister, and myself. Race was our leader and this is...well...his journal. Enjoy!

I've already taken up enough space, but I could fill pages with the insane things just typing in ANYTHING next to "fanfiction" in Google. Try it for yourself. I'm not guaranteeing gold along the lines of Chasing Midnight or Da Newsies Go West, but you might find small gems like Godzilla vs. The Transformers, and that makes it all worthwhile.

Now excuse me while I go empty my browser history.
posted by unsupervised at 5:29 PM on December 29, 2004

Please tell me there is no Journey slash in there.
posted by SisterHavana at 5:36 PM on December 29, 2004

I find fanfiction completely fascinating, myself.

Though you really have to be prepared to put up with a lot of mental pain and anguish to slog through the worst of it. (Slash is a whole other thing, which is even more interesting.)
posted by jokeefe at 5:45 PM on December 29, 2004

Of course there's this, too. And let's not forget this (geocities), featuring this touching love scene between Axl Rose and Sebastian Bach:

Baz caught his breath, and watched Axl struggle to catch his own. The look on Axl’s face was pure lust, but sullen, like that of a child who was punished. Baz leaned in closely to Axl’s face, brushing his cheek lightly against the smooth skin Axl’s face.

I know most of this stuff is godawful by any artistic criteria, but I'll defend it to the death as an expression of the female erotic imagination.
posted by jokeefe at 5:56 PM on December 29, 2004

"But he sees that she has nice legs. She is about his height. Maybe a little shorter. A little tomboyish. But hey that's alright. Steve likes that." I'm so using "Steve likes that" to refer to everything good in this world.

Also, this gem of an insight into the most licentious inner workings of Steve Perry's mind: "'Yeah Tommy don't rile your sister.' Steve says. He thinks that he would like to do that himself. Oh Lord! Did I just think that! Bad Steve. Oh Steve you're a bad boy!"

I'm pretty sure that this is simultaneously the best and the worst thing on the Internet. Thanks Swampjazz!. You made the last hour of my work day a much more exciting journey.

Also: Metafilter: Steve likes that.
posted by Fontbone at 6:29 PM on December 29, 2004

Good lord. Journey. I remember I was at a party back in their heyday way back when and everyone was demanding that we put on some Journey album, because my friends and I had hijacked the stereo. Instead we put on Weasels Ripped My Flesh by Frank Zappa and the Mothers. Haw! We were not popular that night.

Interestingly, Aynsley Dunbar used to play drums for Frank Zappa and later for Journey. I have been a huge fan of Zappa for a long time. Dunbar was apparently quite a character and was fired from both Journey and Zappa's band. Good drummer, just completely out of control, like many rock drummers. As for Journey, there was a brief period in middle school when I liked them ... some cute girl also did, and, well, you know, sometimes we do foolish things for love. They were a bit soft most of the time for my adolescent heavy metal tastes, though I can see where they had talent now, but it's still so smarmy. The interview posted by First Post is fascinating, especially because I worked generally within the same circles of people when I worked in the music business some years ago without even knowing it, although not nearly at the stadium/platinum level, but it's funny how some of this stuff comes around. It's also really juicy for those who know something about the biz, but man, just goes to show how ultimately petty and childish so many of these rock stars are. I had no idea Bill Graham managed Journey after Herbie Herbert, and I also had no idea that Kelley and Mouse had done the artwork for their heyday albums, though looking at them it makes sense. Nothing like their truly psychedelic work in the '60s, but it's still good album artwork, but that took me until now to make the connection ... wow. And I thought I knew music. Anyway, good times, good times ...
posted by krinklyfig at 6:32 PM on December 29, 2004

Oh, the icky Pandora's box you people have opened up... I now present to you... Duran Duran Fan Fiction. If only it featured Simon Le Bon on a horse, THEN it might be good.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:28 PM on December 29, 2004

Exactly what krinklyfig said, except for the working in the music business part.
posted by marxchivist at 8:59 PM on December 29, 2004

unsupervised: Excellent post.
posted by abcde at 9:21 PM on December 29, 2004

No! Not good enough! Where the hell is the Lawrence Makoare fan fiction! I mean, come on!
posted by Poagao at 10:59 PM on December 29, 2004

/runs away with an interesting idea for a site.
posted by seanyboy at 12:35 AM on December 30, 2004

If only it featured Simon Le Bon on a horse, THEN it might be good.

Oh, no! You were one of those girls who had a thing for him, right? I met a lot of you people when I was a teenager. I don't know why it was annoying at the time, except I thought the band was supremely annoying, so it was just layer upon layer of too much already. And, come on, like it's gonna happen. My celebrity crushes at that time, of course, were altogether more realistic, like Phoebe Cates, Lea Thompson and Diane Franklin (the French girl from Better off Dead). Erm ...

Anyway, miss lynnster, I should add that that is the most massive collection of Duran Duran fan fiction I've ever seen in one place. Come to think of it, it's the only collection of Duran Duran fan fiction I've seen. In fact, I wasn't aware it existed in the first place. It's like all those people who buy Thomas Kinkade paintings: the culture is slightly under the radar, yet it produces massive amounts of processed cheese. Yum!
posted by krinklyfig at 4:06 AM on December 30, 2004

Journey may be processed cheese food, but those guys are also part of the soundtrack of my adolescence/early adulthood and plenty of other MeFiers' as well, so...what the heck, why not?

Meanwhile, I wonder if anybody ever thought of doing this sort of stuff with The Doors...
posted by alumshubby at 4:20 AM on December 30, 2004

Thomas Kincade is not "sightly under the radar." He's in every mall in America. We just don't know anyone who has bought a 'painting.'
posted by fixedgear at 4:23 AM on December 30, 2004

Journey may be processed cheese food

Yes, but they're processed cheese food of a very high order. And Steve Perry had a nice set of pipes, and Schon was a fairly good guitarist. And they never really aspired to be anything other than a glorified bar band, and at that they succeeded fairly well. Bands who aspire to more and fail miserably are much more laughable than these guys.
posted by jonmc at 7:51 AM on December 30, 2004

Raise your hand if there is a direct correlation between the time you played "Faithfully" on a piano at a party and got laid within 12 hours.

Put your hands down.

[sidenote] - I obtained a Gibson SG for a friend (birthday present) which had been signed by Neal Schon. The signature was irrelevant, it just happened to be a good price on the guitar itself.

The signature was the first thing my friend removed. Heh.
posted by TeamBilly at 7:51 AM on December 30, 2004

TeamBilly, I feel compelled to raise my hand. And to top it off, it was less than a year ago.
posted by rush at 9:39 AM on December 30, 2004

rush, team billy, after breaking up with a girlfreind I listened to "Faithfully" "Angel" and "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" on a near endless loop for a month. And this was in 1990! Power ballads sold in the millions for a reason.
posted by jonmc at 9:45 AM on December 30, 2004

Your parents will tell you once you're old enough.

My parents had never heard of him.
posted by feelinglistless at 10:03 AM on December 30, 2004

DON'T stop be-lieeeeee-ving
posted by bukvich at 11:30 AM on December 30, 2004

> . . . Schon was a fairly good guitarist . . .

I swear I read that when Schon was a teenager he was invited to join Clapton's band and Santana's band in the same week, but google does not seem to bring this datum forth.
posted by bukvich at 11:43 AM on December 30, 2004

Actually, a teenaged Schon played with Santana's band in the early seventies, as did Greg Rolie (journey's original (and rather dull) lead vocalist and keyboard player.
posted by jonmc at 11:52 AM on December 30, 2004

Didn't Rolie sing lead on several of the early Santana hit singles too? Anyway, I loved the side project of Schon's that covered Whiter Shade of Pale. Though that's a terrific song I've heard many good versions of...
posted by billsaysthis at 3:23 PM on December 30, 2004

I used to practice at Greg Rolie's grandmother's house with his cousin John's band. While I never met Greg, I did meet his father and Neal Schon once (he was in town as part of a Muddy Waters tribute with Paul Rodgers).
Rolie's grandmother (who we called Bestimore) was a really sweet lady who died at like, age 103. She loved Santana - had a autographed poster in the house. One day we were setting up and she was blasting "Black Magic Woman."
John rolled his eyes and muttered, "There goes my grandmother, listening to rock n roll."
posted by black8 at 4:37 PM on December 30, 2004

This one time, in band camp...
posted by Dome-O-Rama at 7:47 PM on December 31, 2004

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(Hypothetical) Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin December 29, 2004 12:18 PM Subscribe

(Hypothetical) Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin
December 29, 2004 12:18 PM Subscribe