My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)

March 24, 2005 12:30 PM

"The purpose of the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair is to get kids excited about Creation and motivate them to discover the truth of our Lord on their own."
Winning exhibits this year include "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)", "Women Were Designed For Homemaking", and "Using Prayer To Microevolve Latent Antibiotic Resistance In Bacteria".
Via
posted by Mwongozi (74 comments total)

http://www.metafilter.com/mefi/27929
posted by Justinian at 12:35 PM on March 24, 2005

This is also the first year that Muslim students ... have been invited to participate; two of their students presented a project on human anatomy entitled "Allah (SWT) Created Me" which, while it was found ineligible for a prize due to a number of Biblical inconsistencies, did win a special Interfaith Outreach ribbon.

Biblical inconsistency 1: Lack of Jesus.
posted by sebas at 12:38 PM on March 24, 2005

Ignorance is not just for priests and shut-ins!

I am quite curious about women being designed for homemaking and how that all plays out.

And isn't using prayer to change the world kind of like invoking black magic?

Creationists would be laughable if they weren't dead ass serious. Actually, yeah, they are still laughable.
posted by fenriq at 12:41 PM on March 24, 2005

Patricia Lewis (grade 8) did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.

Next up: the Creation Science Logic Fair.
posted by alms at 12:43 PM on March 24, 2005

Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.
posted by hopeless romantique at 12:43 PM on March 24, 2005

Which sounds naughtier, "Double spoof" or "Spoof double"?
posted by gwint at 12:45 PM on March 24, 2005

"Women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets...social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay."

I wonder if they have a Future Misogynists of America club?
posted by trappedinabay at 12:46 PM on March 24, 2005

Wait, are these jokes, or not?
posted by sonofsamiam at 12:48 PM on March 24, 2005

This is funny stuff! And as Justinian pointed out, in a different sort of way, a double post.
posted by nofundy at 12:50 PM on March 24, 2005

Oh nevermind. They just link to real sites.
posted by sonofsamiam at 12:51 PM on March 24, 2005

Don't miss the home page:

Cross in Space - A mission to make sure the Cross is above every nation of the world by launching it into space in a Polar orbit.
Rat Out A Church: Big Brother Church Watch - Liberal "churches" are using their tax-exempt status to promote Liberal politicians. Learn how to report their abuses to the IRS.
Christian Exodus- Non-profit organization dedicated to creating a Christian homeland in North America via the secession of a US State from the Union.

and many more.
posted by alms at 12:51 PM on March 24, 2005

whoops, should be Christian Exodus.
posted by alms at 12:52 PM on March 24, 2005

"Women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets...social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay."

I'm bringing this one to my Women's Studies class.

Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

bush_or_chimp. I rest my case.

Hey, where was the exhibit: Geese spontaneously generated from barnacles?
posted by beelzbubba at 12:52 PM on March 24, 2005

"Dear Lord, please allow the bacteria in Group A to unlock the antibiotic-resistant genes that You saw fit to give them at the time of Creation. Amen."

Thank the lord for antibiotic-resistent TB
posted by kuatto at 12:53 PM on March 24, 2005

I can't take that much science.
posted by NewBornHippy at 12:56 PM on March 24, 2005

Christian Exodus- Non-profit organization dedicated to creating a Christian homeland in North America via the secession of a US State from the Union.

This is actually a real movement. Lest it seem to unrealistic remember what the Mormons have done in Utah.
posted by berek at 12:57 PM on March 24, 2005

are these jokes, or not?

They are jokes. Even if you couldn't tell from the silliness, the site is linked to landover baptist.
posted by mdn at 12:58 PM on March 24, 2005

More from the home page:

As he tells it, while out at a local supermarket shopping for food for his cat, Dr. Franklin noticed one of those small tents advertising "Free Rock Chip Repair" that have been springing up in our nation's parking lots. Curious, he went to enquire about getting a ding in his windshield sealed, only to learn that the person manning the tent had other intentions, namely to try and recruit Dr. Franklin into a cult!

Fortunately, the good doctor has become quite immune to cultic recruiting ploys from his years studying their tactics, and thus he was able to extricate himself from the situation with his soul unharmed. However, those less skilled in their Faith -- and especially those of false faiths or no faith at all -- would have soon found themselves back at the cult headquarters doing all manner of unspeakable rites and blasphemies... or maybe even brainwashed into manning a tent of their own.

What is up with this? I'm with sonofsamiam. Is this a joke or not?
posted by alms at 12:59 PM on March 24, 2005

So if she... weighs the same as a duck... she's made of wood...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:59 PM on March 24, 2005

> Cross in Space -

Cross in Spaaaaace.

> 8. The launch date window is March - April, 2005.

Wow, so soon.
posted by NewBornHippy at 1:02 PM on March 24, 2005

> > Christian Exodus- Non-profit organization dedicated to creating a
> > Christian homeland in North America via the secession of a US
> > State from the Union.

> This is actually a real movement.

Yeah! We can eventually get rid of Texas.
posted by NewBornHippy at 1:04 PM on March 24, 2005

ok. now i get it. gawd I am so thick sometimes...
posted by beelzbubba at 1:10 PM on March 24, 2005

This is just sort of depressing. This is just a bunch of kids, doing what kids do, working within their belief systems that they get from their parents. It feels kind of cruel to laugh at them (but I can't help myself).

The real tragedy here is that you have a generation of kids being raised to believe this cooky nonsense by their awful parents. Their whole capacity for critical thinking is being preemptively weakened (if not just obliterated) by their parents, as probably their parents did unto them and so on and so on and so on and so on.

I can't help but thinking of raising a kid to believe stuff like this (and to function in a system of belief that allows conclusions like these) is almost akin to some sort of child abuse. Raising your kids to believe stupid, laughable things for stupid, laughable reasons.

It's sad.

I shall now go cry.
posted by xmutex at 1:13 PM on March 24, 2005

I was raised Creationist. I read some books and changed my mind. Everyone else can do the same thing.
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:16 PM on March 24, 2005

xmutex, why do you want to make baby Jesus cry?
posted by gurple at 1:16 PM on March 24, 2005

I feel bad for those kids. If I were a Christian I'd pray for their deliverance from the sheer ignorance obviouly stewarded upon them by their well-meaning but sadly benighted families.
posted by clevershark at 1:20 PM on March 24, 2005

You guys are aware that this site's a parody, right?
posted by unreason at 1:25 PM on March 24, 2005

Satire, people. Sa. Tire.
posted by scody at 1:28 PM on March 24, 2005

IT IS NOT SATIRE IT IS REAL
posted by xmutex at 1:29 PM on March 24, 2005

Sounds like the same people who did this one.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:30 PM on March 24, 2005

Does anybody else think that, as people are so willing to believe this, it sorta says something about how entrenched this sort of fundamentalism actually is?

Which, when I think about it, is the entire point of satire.
posted by truex at 1:31 PM on March 24, 2005

Yes, this clearly has its tongue nowhere near its cheek.
posted by scody at 1:31 PM on March 24, 2005

Oh those crazy Christians.

They were even crazy in 2001.

I feel so much better now that I realize how superior I am.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 1:32 PM on March 24, 2005

This site is an over-the-top parody. But the subject it parodies is over-the-top enough that's it's pretty much impossible to make it obvious that it's not completely sincere. It's telling that everytime this topic is posted many people fall for it.

On preview: yes truex, I had the same thoughts as you.
posted by raedyn at 1:33 PM on March 24, 2005

I found this site last year and believed it to be outrageous but real for a while. The thing that really clinched it's hoaxieness for me (is that a word? it is now) is the fact that it claims to be run out of Fellowship University, which does not exist, not even as a degree mill.
posted by Tesseractive at 1:33 PM on March 24, 2005

The page about Landover Baptist pretty much seals the deal as a hoax:

http://objective.jesussave.us/shutdown.html
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 1:34 PM on March 24, 2005

Creation science is a parody of itself: People who clearly don't care about science trying to use science to prove what they've already decided is true.

If it is a willful satire, it falls short in not being ridiculous enough.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 1:35 PM on March 24, 2005

I was raised Creationist. I read some books and changed my mind. Everyone else can do the same thing.

Sorry, but that doesn't mitigate the harm done to children and society by these idiots. They really make the world a worse place through their well-meaning, heartfelt malevolence to rational thought and science.

Sure, my parents beat me, talked their friends into beating their children. But they meant well and if I survived, anyone can...
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 1:41 PM on March 24, 2005

You really can't compare the two. A more apt analogy would perhaps be teaching racism to children.
Parents will always teach their children what they themselves believe. As far as I am concerned, it is the children's responsibility as individuals to rise above that.
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:44 PM on March 24, 2005

the site you linked looks quite funny to me
posted by matteo at 1:47 PM on March 24, 2005

The Objective site is clearly a parody, and a beautiful, beautiful parody at that.

Some of the links from that site, though... which ones are parody? Is this a parody? This, scarily, doesn't seem to be.

The cool thing is that this scathing parody close enough to the real thing to clue me into the real thing, which I wasn't previously aware existed. And now I think it does, unless that stuff is just more parody.... One can only hope.

scody, I think that flag thing is indeed more parody. These guys are just that good. For some definition of "good"
posted by gurple at 1:49 PM on March 24, 2005

"Mousetrap Reduced To Pile Of Functionless Parts" - Kevin Parker (grade 7)
posted by xmod2 at 1:52 PM on March 24, 2005

This site's been up for a while and is run by the people at Landover Baptist. Um, IT'S A JOKE.
posted by ScaryShrink at 1:55 PM on March 24, 2005

Scientists recover T. rex soft tissue

These creationist guys got some 'splainin to do.
posted by Freen at 1:56 PM on March 24, 2005

OK, if it's a parody, what about this?
posted by alms at 1:56 PM on March 24, 2005

Well, thedevildancedlightly, I'm not going around telling people that my mother was inseminated by a God and that they must murder me (also technically the same God, so there's the incest angle, too, if you like) to atone for something *their* ancestors did and then begging people to eat my flesh and drink my blood to mark the anniversary of my bloody martyrdom.

But if I did, I can imagine you'd be first in line calling me batshit crazy.

Not that the wacky-factor has any bearing on the ultimate truth of the doctrine(s) or the belief(s), but man, it's sorta silly to pretend that these core Christian doctrines won't strike some folks as just, well, odd.

Holy Thursday, Batman!
posted by joe lisboa at 2:02 PM on March 24, 2005

If I went around saying I was emperor cus some moisten bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
posted by Freen at 2:04 PM on March 24, 2005

Alms: Get outta my brain!
posted by Freen at 2:11 PM on March 24, 2005

"and then begging people to eat my flesh and drink my blood to mark the anniversary of my bloody martyrdom."

I think Jesus was actually just saying, "Eat me."
posted by all-seeing eye dog at 2:13 PM on March 24, 2005

A-SED: I actually deleted that on preview!
posted by joe lisboa at 2:27 PM on March 24, 2005

I wish this were satire.
posted by mr_roboto at 2:28 PM on March 24, 2005

But if I did, I can imagine you'd be first in line calling me batshit crazy.

You're batshit crazy.

My point is not that eating the flesh of your god makes sense, but rather that just about every religion has some parts that look odd when viewed from a rational perspective. However, MeFi has had a spate of "those crazy Christians" postings in the last month or two for some reason. Why don't we make fun of the jews (no shellfish? what does that have to do with religion), the voodoo practitioners (needles in a doll, wtf?), buddhists (reincarnated as a cricket, f- that!), etc?

There seems to be a (sorry for the expression) holier-than-thou thing going on against Christianity on MeFi. Maybe it's a pre-emptive attack on Christianity in preparation for 2006, maybe it's a backlash against the 2004 elections, who knows. It's just getting old to hear about those wacky Christians every day or two.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 2:40 PM on March 24, 2005

> These creationist guys got some 'splainin to do.

It was planted by the devil to challenge their faith.

As for me, I'm thinking `cloning' and right after that `hordes of T-rexes going after these people' (Just to chalenge their faith of course, we don't mean no arm)
posted by NewBornHippy at 2:41 PM on March 24, 2005

I'm guessing the young guy "Kyle" on this page is the author of this madness? Very funny. Check out his blog which features Calvin as Martin Luther (?) peeing on the Evolution Fish which really should be on SUV bumpers everywhere...
posted by Voivod at 2:43 PM on March 24, 2005

I guess when you've got an invisible superhero in the sky, you don't need to explain anything!

Thedevildancedlightly: I would, but you know, there aren't that many creationist orthodox jews trying to change the laws in Kansas to teach Creationism in public school science classes..... As soon as they try to, beleive me, they'll get it full bore from me.

(Though they seemed to have learned that you don't need to force everyone else to think the way you think in order to live peacefully and successfully in America. and frankly, I love em for it!)
posted by Freen at 2:49 PM on March 24, 2005

It's just getting old to hear about those wacky Christians every day or two.

You have no idea how much I agree with this sentiment, although not (I suspect) in the way that you intended it. I'm also guessing a thread about Creation "science" is probably not the ideal venue to "go to bat" for the defenseless, put-upon Christians on MeFi.

Your point would be valid if this thread was actually about "Man, aren't those beliefs weird!?" but it wasn't, and I only mentioned this facet to highlight how silly your snark was, especially in light of your own words: i.e., just about every religion has some parts that look odd when viewed from a rational perspective.

I don't think we disagree, tddl. I just thought your earlier snark was bogus and that's why I responded. Peace.
posted by joe lisboa at 2:50 PM on March 24, 2005

jl, I think you're being a bit disingenuous if you say that this post isn't about "man, aren't those beliefs weird". I mean, that's kind of the point of the whole Objective site. And most of the discussion in this thread has been about just how weird those beliefs are.

The distinction, though, is that the beliefs that are so weird aren't the beliefs of mainstream Christians, but of the same fun-loving fundies who are bringing us the ID shenanigans that have sparked some of the other recent "wacky Christians" posts. Frankly "wacky Christians" are making themselves awfully topical right now. As ye sow....
posted by gurple at 2:57 PM on March 24, 2005

I wish this were satire.

I wish I could believe for one second that enough proponents of evolutionary biology bother to make their opinions known when something like this comes up, rather than sit around and wring their hands because "they" are taking over.

(Which is not a dig at you, mr_roboto, just a general suspicion. Sometimes I get the feeling that the "religious-right" crowd fly around at night and shoot fire out of their eyes, they sound so invincible.)
posted by halcyon_daze at 2:58 PM on March 24, 2005

> These creationist guys got some 'splainin to do.

They already have an answer:

It is of course much less of a surprise to those who believe Genesis, in which case dinosaur remains are at most only a few thousand years old.
posted by mabelstreet at 3:16 PM on March 24, 2005

Though they replaced the British lady, this OOPArts/Pro-creation site never gets old, plus it seems to answer the T. Rex question above.
posted by Dante5Inferno at 3:19 PM on March 24, 2005

BTW, I really want to read about the "Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire".
posted by Dante5Inferno at 3:23 PM on March 24, 2005

Use some science, when it fits your worldview based on a 1800 year old book, use the language of science when it fits your agenda, use your microwave and cellular phone to make calls, but heaven forbid you pay any attention to carbon dating, or modern biology.
posted by Freen at 3:29 PM on March 24, 2005

If you don't have English set as the primary language in your browser, the site is inaccessible, as it redirects to (porn) ads... So, we don't get to see the funny stuff, but then we don't have to deal with creationism influencing policy either. Not that bad a deal.
posted by ltl at 3:47 PM on March 24, 2005

Are all the posts in the thread regarding comment about the post itself or the side tracking the beliefs of Christians?
Something tells me the serious comments towards Christians are really a parody.
God...up above...please help me or you do not exit.
posted by thomcatspike at 3:51 PM on March 24, 2005

ltl, since you can't read the site, let me tell to you if read the comments you know what you are missing-- it is a hoax site created in 2001.
posted by thomcatspike at 3:54 PM on March 24, 2005

Here is the previous post with comment more on track.
posted by thomcatspike at 3:55 PM on March 24, 2005

As an aside, if you think you have the corner on truth, Christian wacko or some other flavor, you deserve in no uncertain terms to be mocked without mercy. As it is the Christians in America have allowed public speech on Christianity to be dominated by those of the more wacked out variety. I'll second the notion that when the orthodox jews begin injecting their particular type of orthodoxy into governance I'll also go at them full bore. For now all we have are the poor beat upon Christians to mock. And for that I must cry like the little baby jesus.
posted by filchyboy at 4:48 PM on March 24, 2005

joe lisboa - No worries, peace to you too.
posted by thedevildancedlightly at 6:06 PM on March 24, 2005

I caught the Landover link pretty quick-- I'm a trained professional satire detector, you know.
Anyway, it reminded me of this old favorite:

posted by Devils Rancher at 6:23 PM on March 24, 2005

Why don't we make fun of the jews... the voodoo practitioners... buddhists... etc?

Mainly because those religionists aren't running the USA, while the Christian nutsos are. In short, Christianity is the greatest threat to a free USA these days, even more so than the Muslim radicals.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:39 PM on March 24, 2005

Why don't we make fun of the jews (no shellfish? what does that have to do with religion), the voodoo practitioners (needles in a doll, wtf?), buddhists (reincarnated as a cricket, f- that!), etc?

Because it's the Xians that are actively going batshit crazy these days. The examples you cite on Jews, Buddhists and Voodoo practitioners are no more or less going on now than before.

Also you won't see your local Rabbi petitioning your state governor to stop teaching science and replace it with superstition instead. Not outside Israel anyway.

Finally, "You don't eat shellfish!" is a pretty lousy taunt.
posted by clevershark at 7:48 PM on March 24, 2005

I don't see how the Landover baptist link from their site is proof of a hoax, the link / article explains that they are trying to shut down the "spoof" site Landover Baptist. This site is neither funny nor over the top, as far as I can tell.

Someone noted earlier that the webmaster for this site used to run Landover Baptist. Well they even state on their Member Bios that this guy used to work for Landover but has since converted. If this site is for real, I remain unconvinced this site is a hoax.
posted by sophist at 12:13 AM on March 25, 2005

okay, okay i can admit it is a hoax... but damn these people have too mcuh time on their hands. The deciding factor seems to be that they do not list the actual location of Mt. Fellowship Baptist Church anywhere on the site.
posted by sophist at 12:28 AM on March 25, 2005

Mainly because those religionists aren't running the USA,
fff, since you're in Canada could see why you may think that.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:47 PM on March 25, 2005