Advertise here: Contact FM.

If Only Ron Jeremy Could Hit the Slider
May 26, 2005 10:07 AM Subscribe

MLB's All Porn Mustache Team
Cue: Funky bassline and Wa-Wa guitar.
Is it just me or does Jeff Kent's 'stache (bottom of the page in the honorable mentions section) look like more peach fuzz than manly man style?
Who did they miss?
posted by fenriq (30 comments total)

The red sox have a pitcher who currently works in porn.
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:21 AM on May 26, 2005

They forgot Catfish Hunter. This is good.
posted by iconomy at 10:22 AM on May 26, 2005

I love Rod Beck's entry, “I’m Rod Beck. I live in a trailer. I drink beer. I have a porn ‘stache. Fuck you!”

And they did overlook Catfish, that is a shame!
posted by fenriq at 10:24 AM on May 26, 2005

Who did they miss?

Sparky Lyle. Catfish Hunter. Dennis Eckersley, Al Hrabosky and Thurman Munson
posted by jonmc at 10:29 AM on May 26, 2005

D'oh!
posted by jonmc at 10:29 AM on May 26, 2005

And Oscar Gamble, who should get extra points for his "Nancy" hairdo.
posted by iconomy at 10:30 AM on May 26, 2005

They also forgot former Expos pitchers Stever Rogers and Russ Grimsley, who had quite the soup-strainers.

No link, 'cause I ain't about to send visitors to the Washington Nationals web site.
posted by clevershark at 10:32 AM on May 26, 2005

Oops, that should be Ross Grimsley.
posted by clevershark at 10:34 AM on May 26, 2005

They understandably, but regrettably, left Pat Borders out. Pat's one of those moment-of-glory-but-mostly-minor-league guys whom it's impossible to root against. Especially with a tobacco-stained, seen it all 'stache like that.
posted by ssukotto at 10:54 AM on May 26, 2005

Mike Piazza doesn't have it (the 'stache) any more. New manager Willie Randolph is enforcing the Yankees clean-shaven look.

Actually, Piazza has lost more than his mustache -- here's a graf from Lee Jenkins NY Times story on last night's game:

Mike Piazza started this trip by getting an autograph from Rush Limbaugh, his main political influence, then compared the experience to meeting George Washington, Abraham Lincoln or the pope. From that point on, Piazza went 0 for 9 with six strikeouts and hit into a double play. The Curse of the Limbaugh was in full effect Wednesday, as Piazza also bounced four throws on attempted stolen bases.

posted by bmckenzie at 10:56 AM on May 26, 2005

And let's not forget mr.I-get-traded-every-season Kurt Bevacqua
posted by jonmc at 10:57 AM on May 26, 2005

And let's not forget mr.I-get-traded-every-season Kurt Bevacqua

Wow, I had forgotten about those old-school Pirates hats.
posted by nyterrant at 11:00 AM on May 26, 2005

bmckenzie, wow, I had no idea that Piazza played for the Yankees, I was pretty sure he's a Met right now. Shame he's yet another dumbass dittohead who thinks Rush Limbaugh is worth listening to. But then, he never did really come across as the sharpest knife in the back, did he?
posted by fenriq at 11:01 AM on May 26, 2005

Sorry if that came off snarky, bmckenzie, it was more lighthearted during the previw.
posted by fenriq at 11:01 AM on May 26, 2005

Jim Grant doesn't have a mustache or beard, but with the sideburns it's a beautiful use of negative space.
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:04 AM on May 26, 2005

Perhaps some of these individuals can find their way onto the Moustache-o-meter?
posted by longbaugh at 11:07 AM on May 26, 2005

Actually, the award for Most Unfortunate Facial Hair Configuration in Sports History would have to go to Bill "Jebidiah" Walton.
posted by jonmc at 11:07 AM on May 26, 2005

They forgot Ted Turner.
posted by tkchrist at 11:09 AM on May 26, 2005

Ahh the Amish beard, nothing says "I'm peeking through a hairy porthole" quite like it.
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:10 AM on May 26, 2005

I dunno jonmc, I think Scot Pollard can seriously compete for that title, but then again he can always use the excuse that he's from KU.
posted by ozomatli at 11:21 AM on May 26, 2005

great post fenriq.

when i saw rollie fingers at the top of the list, i broke out laughing.

Rollie is famed for his extravagant handlebar mustache, grown in 1972 as a prank to force team owner Charlie Finley into ordering the removal of facial hair for all team members. But instead of ordering all the A's to shave (including Reggie Jackson's prized beard), Finley offered $300 to any Oakland Athletic who grew a mustache by Father's Day that year. The A's won three World Championships from 1972-1974, and the mustache stayed.
posted by three blind mice at 11:24 AM on May 26, 2005

Pat's one of those moment-of-glory-but-mostly-minor-league guys whom it's impossible to root against.

Nobody is impossible to root against. Not even Jim Abbott. Baseball-wise, I hated Pat Borders and most all of the Blue Jays. Stache-wise, he and Steib definitely had it going, though nothing compared to Jack Morris.

Screw Piazza. He's the only player keeping me from fantasy domination. I've finally given up and subbed in Bengie Molina. Ugh.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:35 AM on May 26, 2005

Rollie Fingers is hardly a "porn" mustache unless you like porn from the 1800s. His has more of a foppish dandy feel to it.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:41 AM on May 26, 2005

I get the feeling that the page's author thinks every 'stache is a porn 'stache.
posted by clevershark at 11:50 AM on May 26, 2005

I stopped following baseball years ago, and it never occurred to me that I'd hear the name "Dickie Thon" again. I was wrong.

Also, Frank Viola genuinely looks more than a little bit like John Holmes.
posted by Dr. Wu at 11:56 AM on May 26, 2005

I get the feeling that the page's author thinks every 'stache is a porn 'stache.

I agree. Great concept stretched a little thin to fill a whole team.

Heheh, I said "fill a whole." Heheh
posted by me3dia at 1:07 PM on May 26, 2005

Who did they miss? – Dennis Eckersley
Actually he's in there as the Closer. As a matter of fact I petiton the Dirty Sanchez with a spitball thrown in for good measure be called to the Dirty Eckersley.

Mike Piazza doesn't have it (the 'stache) any more.
Yeah but he's an honorary, because he's still in the closet. Oh he's says he straight, sure you're not Mike. You and Warner both.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 1:57 PM on May 26, 2005

This post reminded me of this game.
(warning, audio)
posted by NickO at 3:33 PM on May 26, 2005

I made this for fark ages ago. Who knew it would ever end up on topic.