Unless you're a girl
December 8, 2005 1:10 PM   Subscribe

You can be a better boyfriend. Helpful though sometimes unfriendly tips like "put on pants sometimes," "make sure you don't smell," and "don't touch girls who aren't your girlfriend." Via cior.
posted by Go, now. Go! (167 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
How to be a better girlfriend: Take off your pants more often, don't complain about our smell, touch girls too.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 1:13 PM on December 8, 2005


I'm simply astonished that some people need tips like those. Its like "You can be a better human! Breathe in and out often. Eat occasionally." Do people really need to be told that going to jail might not be the best thing for your relationship?
posted by sotonohito at 1:16 PM on December 8, 2005


pick her up a thissy

I imagine both parties would be disappointed.

Seriously though, this chick is a mite demanding. Lemme guess, she's single with a checkered love history?
posted by jonmc at 1:18 PM on December 8, 2005


This is the sort of thing that makes a single guy like me really, really bitter. I wear pants, I take showers, and I don't cheat, but the ladies areseem unappreciative! Is there some kind of OMG I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY I CAN REBUILD HIM fascination among women that drives them to get involved with unsuitable boyfriends?

Although this girl doesn't seem to be representative of the type I'd seek, anyway. On review: Heh, maybe I am the problem.
posted by jenovus at 1:22 PM on December 8, 2005


Boys do, girls whine.
posted by HTuttle at 1:24 PM on December 8, 2005


I betcha a million dollars Jessica Delfino sucks at being a girlfriend. If nothing else, she sucks at finding boyfriends.
posted by bondcliff at 1:26 PM on December 8, 2005


Tip #731: Don't Go To Sleep In A Fight

that's terrible advice. why waste your time having a fight when all you need is some rest? hop in bed, get ZZZZZ, wake up refreshed and non-fighty.
posted by rxrfrx at 1:27 PM on December 8, 2005


I'll pile on: Oh Jessica, just STFU.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 1:27 PM on December 8, 2005


How to be a better girlfriend: Take off your pants more often, don't complain about our smell, touch girls too.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 1:13 PM PST on December 8 [!]


Or just bend over.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 1:29 PM on December 8, 2005


Uhh... so, instead of writing a shitty blog about all the stupid things that happen to her every day she...

Reinvents these pointless diatribes as helpful advice?

Devil woman.
posted by prostyle at 1:31 PM on December 8, 2005


Oh... ok...

This is in addition to her real shitty blog.
posted by prostyle at 1:33 PM on December 8, 2005


Or just bend over.

and get me a beer, toots.

(might as well go for the trifecta)
posted by jonmc at 1:33 PM on December 8, 2005


Whatever you do, do not fall asleep in the middle of a fight.
posted by Rothko at 1:33 PM on December 8, 2005


s there some kind of OMG I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY I CAN REBUILD HIM fascination among women that drives them to get involved with unsuitable boyfriends?

Holy crap, dude. You clearly do not understand women if you have to even ask that question. The answer is OF COURSE.
posted by spicynuts at 1:38 PM on December 8, 2005


But if it's not cut or sorta cut, put pants on your torso, too, in the form of a soft tee shirt, a fuzzy or stretchy top, a fluffy thingy, or something else.

My happily married love handles say fuck you, Shallowina. Good luck with that dying alone thing.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 1:38 PM on December 8, 2005


I betcha a million dollars Jessica Delfino sucks at being a girlfriend.

Those who can't do, teach?
posted by DrJohnEvans at 1:39 PM on December 8, 2005


Any women want to comment in this thread?










No? Didn't think so.
posted by Ndwright at 1:41 PM on December 8, 2005


I imagine most women would want to put as much distance between themselves and this bimbonic harpy as possible.
posted by jonmc at 1:42 PM on December 8, 2005


OMG I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY I CAN REBUILD HIM! this week, on The Bimbonic Harpy, in color!
posted by Floydd at 1:45 PM on December 8, 2005


If you are one of those guys who would never go to jail because you have a friend or relative high up in the system, or you're a law abiding wiener or whatever the case may be, you should know that being boring and safe does nothing for your relationship eithe.r

Yeah, I can't IMAGINE why this girl is frustrated with her boyfriends.
posted by Simon! at 1:48 PM on December 8, 2005


PinkStainlessTail : "Good luck with that dying alone thing."


Yeah, but you got your woman with your singing talents. A man who can sing don't need no shirts.
posted by graventy at 1:49 PM on December 8, 2005


I can't believe nobody had mentioned this gem:

QUICK TIP: Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and can't read. Even if it's a self-help book.

You aren't 'really' anyone's 'daddy', that's just a term you appreciate because it helps to explain your dick problems. No one gets up in your craw when you masturbate to Playgirl. So, try to have the same respect for your ladyfriend.


Really darlin, if your boys are masturbating to Playgirl you need to recognize you are in no position to be giving relationship advice.
posted by phearlez at 1:54 PM on December 8, 2005


Boring misandry and obviousness rolled up into one un-funny blog. Fantastiquo
posted by delmoi at 1:54 PM on December 8, 2005


By the way, why is she dating these losers in the first place? She must be fat.
posted by delmoi at 1:56 PM on December 8, 2005


She must be fat.

Boy, didn't see that comin'.
No sirree.
posted by Floydd at 2:01 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


She might even nurse you back to health - with her vagina!

Good advice there!

I'm a woman, and I will comment in this thread - although I have teh gey so I don't know if I count. I vote bimbonic harpy. Although I can't quite decide if her standards are too high or too low. Wear pants: not necessary. Don't go to jail: no fucking kidding.
posted by arcticwoman at 2:04 PM on December 8, 2005


Although obvious, I thought it was amusing. I am clearly in the minority.
posted by grouse at 2:08 PM on December 8, 2005


No one wants to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt. And they definitely don't want to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt twice.

What a sad and lonely world she must live in.
posted by cmonkey at 2:09 PM on December 8, 2005


As someone recently ensingled, this blog has primed me to start googling for local monasteries to check out their enrollment requirements. Anyone know of a monastic order which embraces high speed internet?
posted by FYKshun at 2:09 PM on December 8, 2005


spicynuts: i do not understand women :(
posted by jenovus at 2:09 PM on December 8, 2005


Tip #731: Don't Go To Sleep In A Fight

I often nod off during fights. They can be so tiresome sometimes.
posted by howling fantods at 2:11 PM on December 8, 2005


well jenovus hopefully i just helped you along your way tremendously. girls like projects. period. whereas we just want to sit on our asses with a beer and get head.
posted by spicynuts at 2:12 PM on December 8, 2005


Jessica offers some excellent advice. I, in fact, have a few questions for her:

1. My girlfriend is in a car headed East at 35 mph. I am on a tricycle heading south at 3 mph. I only ride the trike for an hour on Wednesdays, but my girlfriend drives her car for five hours every day. After 11 weeks, how do I tell her I love her?

2. When I do the dishes after she makes dinner and I leave a spot of food on the plate, should I scrape it off with my nail or just give the plate up as lost?

3. When I'm sick, phlegmy and gross and she brings me a nice, warm brandy, do I spout my thank you with coughs resembling morse code or use my footy pajamas to approximate sempahore?

4. Is it appropriate to shave..."down there"...into the shape of her first initial?

5. Does the 707 eat its young?
posted by Captaintripps at 2:12 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Don't go to jail! Don't not go to jail! JUST SHUT UP! ANSWER ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU
posted by jenovus at 2:12 PM on December 8, 2005


That's just stupid. Period.
posted by raedyn at 2:14 PM on December 8, 2005


I think this blog is supposed to be funny, so it's not like we have to bash the woman. Just a give a little haha and let it go.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:17 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


jenovus: I wear pants, I take showers, and I don't cheat

Ooooo, baby baby, come sit over here by me!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:19 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


I will sit next to you . . . in my pants!

Uh, you're not one of those ". . . but I play one on the Internet" types, are you? BECAUSE I'VE BEEN BURNED BEFORE TT_TT
posted by jenovus at 2:21 PM on December 8, 2005


No, wait. This might be enormously useful stuff for some guys. At the very least it's "things that your girlfriend might be thinking." You'd think tips like "wash when you smell" would be a waste to time, but you'd be surprised.

The tricky thing would be knowing which tips to ignore, even when doing so might cause aggravation. For example: "If you're at a party and there is a woman your girlfriend knows you desire, don't talk to her." So, you talk but keep it obviously friendly, not flirty. Forewarned is forearmed, so they say.
posted by alasdair at 2:22 PM on December 8, 2005


For those of you saying "I don't understand women," here's step one: Don't assume that one woman airing her personal hang-ups on a blog somehow stands for all women.
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 2:22 PM on December 8, 2005


Nope, jenovus, I am a real live lady.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:25 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


So, you talk but keep it obviously friendly, not flirty. Forewarned is forearmed, so they say.

Until the gf rips off your forearms and beats you to a pulp with them.
posted by Rothko at 2:26 PM on December 8, 2005


This is my finest hour.
posted by jenovus at 2:27 PM on December 8, 2005


Someone posted this comment to her latest entry (the one about not going to sleep in a fight):

Your blog got metafiltered and the bad boyfriends there are having their usual blazecock pileon over it. I won't comment in the metafilter thread because I refuse to pay $5 to join a blazecock pileon so I'll just say here that "You Can Be A Better Boyfriend" is funny and you have a good ear, I mean that with intense seriosity, this is near Achewood-quality diversion. And the metamorons all hate Achewood, too and don't see why it's funny. So there you go.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:28 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: I paid $5 to join a blazecock pileon
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:28 PM on December 8, 2005 [2 favorites]


"I think you are unique and strange."
posted by sourwookie at 2:29 PM on December 8, 2005


Reading the cross-posting on both sites is making me sleepy. And I could really use a shower.
posted by horsewithnoname at 2:31 PM on December 8, 2005


I guess this did not strike the right tone with most of you all, but I will say that if there were a similar blog written from a man's point of view, and was not more insulting to women than this is to men, I would probably read it. In case I didn't know some of the stuff, and it was true.
posted by Go, now. Go! at 2:32 PM on December 8, 2005


I don't hate Achewood! Plus I think the person who refuses to pay $5 to join should be given a free account, as that kind of self-righteous indignation is just what we need around here.
posted by jenovus at 2:33 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Wait, we're supposed to hate Achewood now? Why don't I get all the memos?
posted by Spatch at 2:33 PM on December 8, 2005


Blazecock pileon is my new favorite phrase. And hey, 5$ is a cheap admission price to a blazecock pileon of this quality!
posted by arcticwoman at 2:34 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Y'all, for reals though, this blog is a joke. You understand women, you're all manly and strong, and girls dig you. I know, because they tell me so. So don't freak out, ok?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:34 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


How did Anonymous over at HBAB know I was a redhead!?! I thought blazecock and firecrotch got left behind in high school. *sniff*
*pout*
posted by Captaintripps at 2:35 PM on December 8, 2005


intense seriosity? Almost sounds like the name of the latest boy-band.
posted by coriolisdave at 2:35 PM on December 8, 2005


So there's this fat cop at the gym who does the eliptical like he's mushing a dogsled, back and forth with impressive gusto.

But, the entire time, he cranes his neck around and oogles any girl under 30 around him, usually on both sides.

And then hes back to mushing, to the left, to the right, onward, faster.

And the girls keep looking straight ahead.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 2:35 PM on December 8, 2005


ThePinkSuperhero says I understand women, and she is one, so she should know. TODAY I AM A BETTER BOYFRIEND

Seriously, though, can I print this thread out such that it is suitable for framing?
posted by jenovus at 2:36 PM on December 8, 2005


I won't comment in the metafilter thread because I refuse to pay $5 to join a blazecock pileon

Some women (and definetly gey men) would like that kind of thing, you know.
posted by delmoi at 2:37 PM on December 8, 2005


By the way, I don't think pants are really that important. People just don't want to look at mangy pubic hair. No pubes, no problem.
posted by delmoi at 2:38 PM on December 8, 2005


Seriously, though, can I print this thread out such that it is suitable for framing?
posted by jenovus at 2:36 PM PST on December 8 [!]


jenovus, you gotta watch the creepy, man.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 2:39 PM on December 8, 2005


I am not, and have never been, a bad boyfriend.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:39 PM on December 8, 2005


can we just, like, shoot her with a paintgun?

I didn't read it, I just figured ya'll are right and she's a useless twit.
posted by HuronBob at 2:40 PM on December 8, 2005


Back off, The Jesse Helms! I like the creepy :-P

But please don't follow me home
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:41 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


posted by Blazecock Pileon

Thank you. Now I can leave work with a smile.
posted by NationalKato at 2:42 PM on December 8, 2005


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I didn't even notice that.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:43 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


ThePinkSuperhero, the call is coming from inside the house! :O
posted by jenovus at 2:44 PM on December 8, 2005


Well I usually do do a running long jump into the shower after sex. Is this one of those true things I ought to know not to do?
posted by bukvich at 2:47 PM on December 8, 2005


FYKshun: the Benedictine monks of Christ in the Desert monastery.
posted by turbodog at 2:50 PM on December 8, 2005


cocks penis dick balls
posted by mcsweetie at 2:51 PM on December 8, 2005


Wow, I'm late to the party. I was gonna say "hey, who's gonna be the first to pay $5 to get 'Blazecock Pileon'" but hey, that was quick. With any luck, it's not a sockpuppet and it will become the newest MeFi celebrity.
posted by rxrfrx at 2:52 PM on December 8, 2005


Oh, and "they hate Achewood" is a superb bit of code for "I'm such a wussy weiner hipster that I feel threatened for liking Achewood."
posted by rxrfrx at 2:53 PM on December 8, 2005


A good boyfriend, actually, finally "matures", like a fine wine or jar of peanut butter.

Recommended: JIFF de Muskegon, 1983. A strong bodied blend touting a daring amount of preservatives, with a barely perceptible bouquet of coke-addled party-goers.
posted by icosahedral at 2:57 PM on December 8, 2005


Gender: Puppenhose

oh whoops :(
posted by rxrfrx at 2:59 PM on December 8, 2005


"put on pants"... who am I, the Pope?

And stop using that "a good boyfriend matures" PC crap. Use the proper term, which is "whippifies". It's the same thing, only less patronizing.
posted by clevershark at 3:00 PM on December 8, 2005


And the metamorons all hate Achewood, too and don't see why it's funny. So there you go.

We . . . we . . . hate Achewood? What in the hell am I gonna do with my "Here Comes a Special Boy" shirt?
posted by Optimus Chyme at 3:07 PM on December 8, 2005


What the hell is Achewood?!?
posted by clevershark at 3:08 PM on December 8, 2005


What's Achewood, and why should I hate it?
posted by Tikirific at 3:09 PM on December 8, 2005


Achewood is what happens after you pile on the blazecock.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:12 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Get a signed copy of this strip.
posted by stinkycheese at 3:18 PM on December 8, 2005


And that's two for BP.
posted by elwoodwiles at 3:20 PM on December 8, 2005


Blazecocks gives Jessica the Clap.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:20 PM on December 8, 2005


hooties! titters!
posted by mcsweetie at 3:23 PM on December 8, 2005


I've spent the last 15 years trying to get boys OUT of their pants.
posted by LeeJay at 3:25 PM on December 8, 2005


This is a summer tip -

Get a large, spacious home and make sure it is ice cold.

If you are too poor too afford to get a large, spacious home and keep it ice cold, you shouldn't be dating. You should be working to make some money so that you can afford to someday date.


This blog can't be for real...
posted by beguemot at 3:32 PM on December 8, 2005


Sloppy titties
posted by phearlez at 3:35 PM on December 8, 2005


In a similar vein to beguemot's observation:

but if you LOVE a girl; I mean, if you REALLY, REALLY LOVE a girl, you buy her a piece of jewelry

'nuff said.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 3:52 PM on December 8, 2005


Wow, I have such a love-hate thing with this blog. First she says "Anger is negative energy", to which I'm all spit! P'shah! Well I never! And then she uses the phrase "meany burrito", and I'm all wanting to be her friend again.

Actually, no, wait, the burrito thing was all I liked. I was letting its beauty cloud my judgment. This is fucking awful gender-prescriptivist waffle masquerading as a blog pretending to be a self-help manual playing at being comedy. Ooh, look, men do one thing and women do another! Crikey, the world is so simple after all.

Dr B.C. Pileon, I salute you, sir.
posted by terpsichoria at 3:53 PM on December 8, 2005


I know what a cock trap is.
But apparently "blazecock" is some sort of Arizona street hip hop term....or it's russian...or something. I don't know. I'm not plugged in.

Hammer pants? Seriously?

So....I'm married already...and I "really" am somebody's "daddy"..do I win?
posted by Smedleyman at 4:03 PM on December 8, 2005


but if you LOVE a girl; I mean, if you REALLY, REALLY LOVE a girl, you buy her a piece of jewelry

Or stay married to her for the rest of your life. Either way. Y'know.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:04 PM on December 8, 2005


Dr B.C. Pileon, I salute you, sir.

Madam/sir, you may rest assured that I am always at attention, ready to defend my namesake at any time of day. *salutes*
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:06 PM on December 8, 2005


FYKshun: these guys might be close to what you're looking for. And I highly recommend them, too.
posted by piers at 4:09 PM on December 8, 2005


..... "I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL"


I have no idea what this girl is thinking.
posted by countzen at 4:15 PM on December 8, 2005


Boooooo, countzen, that's just mean! She's a cute girl.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:23 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


beguemot are you sure your name's not bugmenot, 'cause that's what i keep reading
posted by klue at 4:23 PM on December 8, 2005


And THE BLOG IS JUST A JOKE.

you humorless things.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:23 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


chick here. i'm with TPS, you guys have got to get a sense of humour!
posted by phoenixc at 4:26 PM on December 8, 2005


this is goddamn hilarious.
posted by blacklite at 4:26 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Hmmm...my take on this is that it's how to be a better boyfriend to Jessica Delfino.

Jail: Obvious and sad. Everything would be loads better if folks just took the time to think before they went to jail.

Pants: Personal Preference. I'm sure there is more than an ample supply of girls that like men without pants just as I'm sure there are probably a much smaller number of guys who have a preference for girls in pants. In my opinion snuggly time is much better without the pants.
posted by aaronscool at 4:29 PM on December 8, 2005


GUY HERE!

YES!
posted by parallax7d at 4:31 PM on December 8, 2005


If you don't LOVE the girl you're dating, why bother?

Good point. Giving a girl jewlery isn't some sort of Amazonian misandric demand for material goods. Men should first prove that they're not sex-crazed, overbearing egomaniacs by giving a love gift. Because if you're not in love with a woman, why would you bother dating her? Unless it's testosterone poisoning or something.


And THE BLOG IS JUST A JOKE.
you humorless things.

Just riffing some mysogyny.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:40 PM on December 8, 2005


QUICK TIP: Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and can't read. Even if it's a self-help book.

Get a gal a gift because you want to and because you like her, and make it something nice, because if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail.

That's today's tip. Read it and do it.


The prosecution rests.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:40 PM on December 8, 2005


This reminds me of Girls Are Pretty, except that Girls Are Pretty is actually funny and tells you what to do with your day, whereas this is just pathetic.
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 4:44 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Do y'all not think it might be possible that this girl is being over-the-top for humour? Or maybe she's trolling you.
posted by Space Coyote at 4:56 PM on December 8, 2005


I think fff's post above got cut off in transmission. It might have been:
Blazecocks gives Jessica the Clap, the occasional girlfriend of Ernie the Sausage (so called because of his penchant to not wear pants around the pad, at least when he is not in jail), an 8x10 glossy of his penis up his ass in stead of jewelry.
posted by mss at 4:56 PM on December 8, 2005


The blog for "How to be a good girlfriend" is has only one post that reads "Have a vagina."
posted by MegoSteve at 5:00 PM on December 8, 2005


I wonder who's on the other end of that miserable existence.
posted by whiteoak at 5:01 PM on December 8, 2005


Thank you, turbodog and piers! The tech monk references were wonderful. I had been thinking something more Shao-lin than Benedictine, but the Laser Monks link alone has saved me from heading home tonight to ignite my member and pile-on.

I'll probably just wear pants instead.
posted by FYKshun at 5:04 PM on December 8, 2005


Do y'all not think it might be possible that this girl is being over-the-top for humour?

Do y'one not think it might be possible that these comments are merely a similarly-inane attempt at humor? Seriositily.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:09 PM on December 8, 2005


Do y'all not think it might be possible that this girl is being over-the-top for humour?

Uh, hello girls aren't funny.
posted by I Foody at 5:16 PM on December 8, 2005


ThePinkSuperHero and jenovus sittin' in a tree
s-t-a-l-k-i-n-g


girls like projects. period. whereas we just want to sit on our asses with a beer and get head.

Bah. Says you. I know I don't speak for all ladies out there, but I'd rather not have a customizable or kit-boyfriend. Too much work.

Also, that beer and head thing sounds good right about now.
posted by kosher_jenny at 5:19 PM on December 8, 2005


From the site:

If you don't LOVE the girl you're dating, why bother?

Um... because you want to fuck something?
posted by papakwanz at 5:25 PM on December 8, 2005


Y'all are a rough crowd!

I thought the sour apples comment was kinda sweet.
posted by halcyon_daze at 5:28 PM on December 8, 2005


Also, that beer and head thing sounds good right about now.

*pours another beer into his head*

Yep. It's great.

Y'all are a rough crowd!

Did you figure that out all by yourself or did your mommy help you? ;>
posted by jonmc at 5:31 PM on December 8, 2005


Uh, hello girls aren't funny.

On the contrary! Girls are the only ones allowed to joke about gross boys. If boys joke about stupid bitches they are SEXIST PIGS.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:42 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Totally. I only joke about the supah-smaht bitches.
posted by Firas at 5:45 PM on December 8, 2005


Girls are the only ones allowed to joke about gross boys.

*belches, farts, scratches balls, tells the pick superhero to get him another beer, toots*
posted by jonmc at 5:47 PM on December 8, 2005


*belches, farts, scratches balls, tells the pick superhero to get him another beer, toots*

See? We never fart!
posted by kosher_jenny at 5:49 PM on December 8, 2005


I know. Women never fart, belch, or hiccup. Therefore they must bitch or they will blow up.
posted by jonmc at 5:51 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


::gets a beer from the fridge, smashes it over jonmc's head, farts as she struts away::
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:58 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


*writhes bleeding on the floor, reaches for remaining beer in shards of bootle, drinks*

Victory is mine. ;>
posted by jonmc at 6:02 PM on December 8, 2005


And stop using that "a good boyfriend matures" PC crap.

It seems like the optimal strategy for a guy here is to be a little rattier, a little more disorganized, and a little less hygenic in the beginning of a relationship before reverting to his normal habits.

if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail.

Wow. I totally used to be that guy!
posted by deanc at 6:09 PM on December 8, 2005


.. god DAMN these things are coming in handy. I'm running low.
posted by bhance at 6:12 PM on December 8, 2005


PinkSuperhero But if it's not cut or sorta cut, ...

Damn you, clicked through the link to discover the noun behind that pronoun.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 6:24 PM on December 8, 2005


Hey, the author can get away with this sort of thing since she *clearly* takes it in the ass, right?

Seriously, I'm getting married. Do I get to stop worrying about this sort of thing now?
posted by stet at 6:30 PM on December 8, 2005


About what sort of thing, stet? Taking it in the ass?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:33 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


How to be a good boyfriend, of course! Soon she'll be legally my property.
posted by stet at 6:41 PM on December 8, 2005


if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail.

Wow. I totally used to be that guy!


I used to have a 6-inch ponytail, but I categorically deny ever being sensitive.
posted by jonmc at 6:43 PM on December 8, 2005


The best thing to do is ask her to take you home, or get yourself home. She might even nurse you back to health - with her vagina!

Come on, what's not to love!
posted by Mr T at 6:49 PM on December 8, 2005


"Achewood is what happens after you pile on the blazecock."

Late to thread, and now trying to get the apple juice off the flat screen. Somebody send me more Kensington wipes, dammit!

Holy crap that was funny.

I don't hate Achewood, I just don't really get it. Perhaps I should go back and give it more time, because wigu loves it, and wigu is teh super funnay.
posted by zoogleplex at 6:53 PM on December 8, 2005


Jessica, I'd like you to meet Jim.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:58 PM on December 8, 2005


If it's satire (hard to tell) it's not very funny, if only because I don't actually know many men who are like the men to whom the blog is addressed. Not to say that there might not be such men out there, but I just don't know any.
The jewelry one is what made me think it might be satire, because that entry seems to be mocking the "girlfriend" point of view, the shallow materialism and antifeminism that runs through the entire blog in not-so-subtle ways (all that business about getting a job and spending money on the girlfriend) can't be real, can it? Are there really women who think like that? I can't imagine them, so I assume she's joking.

But if she is, the fact that it doesn't connect with anything in my experience makes the jokes fall flat for me.
posted by eustacescrubb at 6:59 PM on December 8, 2005


Derive the Hamiltonian posted 'This reminds me of Girls Are Pretty'.

Better Boyfriend is nothing like Girls are Pretty. However I think it deserves mention on its own. GaP was the site that inspired me never to have a blog as I could never a fraction as funny as Bob Powers, same goes for tehsux.

So I didn't read the archives, anything in there about being a better boyfriend whilst shooting one into your ladyfriend's hair? She's always asking me to drop it off in the sink.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 7:04 PM on December 8, 2005


Poking around on her other blogs reveals she's an aspiring comedian -- odds are the blog isn't intended to be taken seriously.
posted by eustacescrubb at 7:06 PM on December 8, 2005


(truth be told, I only entered this thread to make the "thissy" joke, which was begging to be told. The rest is just me practicing my improv comedy skills off the rest of you)
posted by jonmc at 7:06 PM on December 8, 2005


jenovus : Is there some kind of OMG I HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY I CAN REBUILD HIM?

Yes, there is a good reason for it too. Our genes "suggest" specific lines of action which historically increased their represenation in the gene pool. So most odd courtship & dating behavior is your genes trying to maximize the number & fitness (both genetic & nurture) of your offspring, even if that is not what you want.

The optimal strategy for female genes is to mate with the bad boy alpha male (genetic fitness), but try to keep him around to raise the child, ideally imparting his alpha male memes as well. As women get older, they slowly give up on alpha male memes in-favor of the more plentiful beta male nurturing, but capturing alpha male genes remains a priority.

As a male, your best strategy for attracting a mate is to project confidence & alpha maleness, and don't worry too much about any particular mate. And read this site.
posted by jeffburdges at 7:36 PM on December 8, 2005


I don't know what you people are thinking; this is funny as shit.
posted by moss at 8:16 PM on December 8, 2005


I think the main problem with a blog like this is that the people its being written for, moron boyfriends, don't read blogs.

And Jessica (stupid Jennifer thread almost got me) didn't strike me as a harpy or nasty. Just strongly opinionated. Something we actually tend to like around here. Or at least something I tend to like around here.

And there are a tremendous number of dumbasses who do think that they don't stink after playing basketball for four hours. I know I stink but I'm married so it doesn't matter anymore.

moss, that's the problem, most of us don't find shit particularly humorous. Unless its someone else's baby.
posted by fenriq at 8:20 PM on December 8, 2005


And Girls are Pretty is one of the few blogs I still read every single day.
posted by fenriq at 8:20 PM on December 8, 2005


Anyone else picture her when reading that blog?

A good boyfriend keeps his grubby hands off the gems.
posted by Danf at 8:44 PM on December 8, 2005


Y'all, for reals though, this blog is a joke.

TPS: you have saved me from posting a long, embarassing comment. Phew. Stupid man-on was gonna make a mess of everything. Thank you.

We have come amazingly far together in only a few short months. Will you marry me? I am wearing pants.
posted by scarabic at 8:50 PM on December 8, 2005


GODDAMNIT I WAS WEARING PANTS AT HER FIRST
posted by jenovus at 9:18 PM on December 8, 2005 [1 favorite]


Sometimes, I wish I was gay.
posted by Pseudonumb at 9:31 PM on December 8, 2005


jenovus, don't try so hard, you'll break out in a sweat and start to smell and the whole thing will unravel. And wearing pants at people is kind of scary.
posted by fenriq at 9:44 PM on December 8, 2005


Psnumb, you say that as if it weren't a choice!
posted by five fresh fish at 10:05 PM on December 8, 2005


Oh, and "they hate Achewood" is a superb bit of code for "I'm such a wussy weiner hipster that I feel threatened for liking Achewood."

Achewood is a fucking abomination.
posted by delmoi at 10:17 PM on December 8, 2005


Boys!

Pay no attention to this sad sack. Get the real scoop on how to be a 'boyfriend'.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:21 PM on December 8, 2005


a photo of our heroine. Turns out she's not fat, although her face dosn't show up well in that photo.
posted by delmoi at 10:28 PM on December 8, 2005


Hey, the author can get away with this sort of thing since she *clearly* takes it in the ass, right?

Proof.

From Today's tip: Jewelry

"Christmas is coming up, and if you're someone who plans to get your lady a corporate mall gift because you feel obligated and have no creativity, here's an idea, just stick your own penis in your own asshole instead."

That's as clear an admission as I've ever seen. The 'instead' can only be presumed to be a contraction of 'instead of mine'.

The jewelry is currently on order.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:44 PM on December 8, 2005


Man, according to this, I am either the best boyfriend in the world or the worst. I have yet to go to jail, and I tend to wear pants when necessary, but I don't buy jewelry. What about mix tapes? Are those good?

QUICK TIP: Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and can't read. Even if it's a self-help book.

Whoa, next you'll be telling me to loosen the shackles!
posted by 235w103 at 11:08 PM on December 8, 2005


Oh man... this thread is totally worth it just for the link to Girls Are Pretty.
posted by antifuse at 3:24 AM on December 9, 2005


Clearly, scarabic, I need some jewelry first. Because if you REALLY REALLY REALLY loved me, you would buy me something shiny. If you do not do so, I will be forced to dump your ass for a man with a ponytail.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:47 AM on December 9, 2005 [1 favorite]


if you REALLY REALLY REALLY loved me, you would buy me something shiny.

*buys thepinksuperhero a tin can*
posted by jonmc at 6:39 AM on December 9, 2005


Oooooo, shiny! ::walks in girl zombie fashion toward jonmc::
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:06 AM on December 9, 2005 [1 favorite]


I tend to view wearing a valueless rock (diamond) whose insane mark up supports evil cartels/monopolists, as well as either violent revolutionaries of oppressive governments, as quite unromantic myself, by maybe its just me. Its morally irresponcible to buy any diamond unless it was (a) created in a lab and (b) not handled by De Beers.
posted by jeffburdges at 7:42 AM on December 9, 2005


Achewood, since people were curious.
posted by voltairemodern at 8:30 AM on December 9, 2005


jeffburdges is just bitter because he spent his last 5 bucks on a MeFi subscription :P
posted by Talez at 8:38 AM on December 9, 2005


Well her site appeared on Popbitch today, and the level of comment has definitely taken a turn to the left as a result.
posted by ciderwoman at 8:48 AM on December 9, 2005


A blog with lame jokes about "how to be a better boyfriend" is posted and followed by lame jokes about "how to be a better girlfriend." No laughs all around.

So in case anyone is wondering, here is where I stand.

*Mr. Gravy wears pants too much. He is absolutely riveting to watch.

*No jewelry for me, thanks anyway. I have enough pearls, and that is all I need.

*If I could bottle one scent in the world, it would be Mr. Gravy's smell. We often lament that we have to take showers in order not to offend other people.

*When we do argue, I prefer to "sleep on it."

So guess what? The way to Be a Better Boyfriend is to ask. To communicate. To discuss. But I guess that isn't funny.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:07 AM on December 9, 2005


I have enough pearls, and that is all I need.

No offense, but pearls? Pearls conjure up visions of June Cleaver.
posted by jonmc at 9:13 AM on December 9, 2005


I will be forced to dump your ass for a man with a ponytail.
MrMoonPie awaits eagerly...
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:47 AM on December 9, 2005


Oooo, pressure, scarabic! ::awaits visit from FedEx man::
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:53 AM on December 9, 2005 [1 favorite]


No offense, but pearls? Pearls conjure up visions of June Cleaver.

I treat all my lady friends to a pearl necklace as early in the relationship as possible.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:10 AM on December 9, 2005


Yes, and I got a gal she lives on the hill, she won't do it but her sister will...
posted by jonmc at 10:12 AM on December 9, 2005


jonmc that reminds me of an Eskimo woman that I don’t know personally, but I’ve been told about.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:19 AM on December 9, 2005


I can't believe no one has linked to Maddox yet.
posted by IronLizard at 1:20 PM on December 9, 2005


Haha, I like that the list is for 26 things, but he gives up after 14.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:25 PM on December 9, 2005 [1 favorite]


"I can't believe no one has linked to Maddox yet."

Your organization's Internet use policy restricts access to this web page at this time.
Reason: 
The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.

Sucks. I like Maddox too.
posted by Smedleyman at 2:03 PM on December 9, 2005


No offense, but pearls? Pearls conjure up visions of June Cleaver.
posted by jonmc at 12:13 PM EST on December 9

I make artisan jewelry, so I have necklaces and earrings for everyday wear using handblown glass, crystals, and semi-precious stones. The pearls come out for dress-up. I look smashing. And reportably very, very fuckable.

I treat all my lady friends to a pearl necklace as early in the relationship as possible.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:10 PM EST on December 9

Oh, I've had my share of those as well.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:24 PM on December 9, 2005


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