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Yes I said yes I will Yes
February 6, 2006 3:40 PM   Subscribe

We think we know what we want, but sometimes we're totally wrong. A woman spends a year dating anyone who asks her out, and finds The One. On the way, she dates a homeless man, 10 taxi drivers, two lesbians and a mime. How much do we really know about what we want until we find it?
posted by onlyconnect (98 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
Interesting experiment. So she agreed to date anyone who asked her, I wonder if she tried to behave the same regardless of the individual or if she let her preconceptions alter her behavior.

Strange, she resembles someone...
posted by PurplePorpoise at 3:49 PM on February 6, 2006


Wow, so she ends up marrying the already-married Pulitzer Prize Winner?

I hope we all learned a little something today. Geesh.
posted by billysumday at 3:51 PM on February 6, 2006


So... she complains about dating intellectual types, and flunking out. They're all just too... something.

Then she goes on this spree of saying yes to anything with a pulse. And in the end, ends up with a Pulitzer prize winning playwright.

Is that any different than the types she was dating before her adventure?

The point of this story is... ?
posted by C.Batt at 3:52 PM on February 6, 2006


(From the Newsday link: The man she wound up with is someone she said she normally never would have dated. "I said I don't want a man with a big age difference and kids. I want a man who is easier.")
posted by onlyconnect at 4:02 PM on February 6, 2006


well, it's a very nice joyce reference in the title of the post.
posted by shmegegge at 4:04 PM on February 6, 2006


She would say yes to anyone who asked her out on a date for a year. Anyone, that is, except those who were drunks, druggies, violent, married or "who introduced himself by grabbing me."

Doesn't that eliminate like 90% of the askers anyway?
posted by booksandlibretti at 4:08 PM on February 6, 2006


Maybe next year she should try this:
Spend the year actually asking guys out HERSELF!

Oh wait. that'd imply that the last 50 years of feminism wasn't just a fuckin JOKE.

NEVER HAPPEN!!!
posted by HTuttle at 4:12 PM on February 6, 2006


I will go out on a date with any woman who I ask out and who says yes.
posted by Blue Stone at 4:28 PM on February 6, 2006


HTuttle, you been drinking again?
posted by Jimbob at 4:30 PM on February 6, 2006


"I was like most women where you just walk down the street, you see a guy and you say, 'Absolutely not,'"

Who fucking asked ?
posted by elpapacito at 4:30 PM on February 6, 2006


I've gone out with anyone who asked me out my entire life (until I got married 3.5 years ago at age 32).

What really sucks is that not very many people (1? 2?) ever asked me out, and I did all the asking to get dates.
posted by Kickstart70 at 4:31 PM on February 6, 2006


what billysumday said.

double Geesh.
posted by Hat Maui at 4:32 PM on February 6, 2006


So either she broke her own rules or she expects us to believe that she was chaste until his marriage was over.
posted by nadawi at 4:32 PM on February 6, 2006


150 times?

In one year?

Her?
posted by designbot at 4:38 PM on February 6, 2006


I spend all my time like this. I go out with anyone who asks me out.
*looks around 1/2 expectantly*
...no one asks me out though.

Probably just being basically receptive helped.
But she went out with a mime? Now that’s commitment to task.
+ nadawi sed.

/HTuttle, fuck completely off.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:40 PM on February 6, 2006


It's funny -- I didn't take the approach this woman suggests, but I did decide to date a woman who was absolutely not the type of woman I'd dated in the past, and wouldn't you know, she ended up being the one I married?

There's something to be said for choosing someone by just hanging out with people you like and letting things happen, instead of trying to find someone who meets certain criteria or fits your idea of the "kind" of person you should be with.
posted by davejay at 4:44 PM on February 6, 2006


150 times? In one year? Her?

Make no mistake: if a woman is living, breathing and even slightly attractive -- or at least looks like she might put out -- she will be hit on several times a day, no matter where she goes or what she does, at least in the US. It's just the way this society runs.
posted by davejay at 4:45 PM on February 6, 2006


I too smell some creative rewriting (in order to make a better book?)

The plot of: "Look, I tried dating random people but in the end its not worth it. Stick with your type (intellectual for her)" isnt as compelling for the message of openness.
posted by vacapinta at 4:45 PM on February 6, 2006


she seems kinda creepy. i don't think i'd go out with her.
posted by 3.2.3 at 4:47 PM on February 6, 2006


I dunno, HTuttle may have gone a little far, but he's got a good point - she decides she's been too limiting in which offers she *accepts*, but her solution is to accept them all (well, the ones that pass her pre-quals) - not to actually take an active role in the process?

Feh. HTuttle is wrong because lots of women actively pursue guys they like these days. She's wrong because she has a very narrow view of what it means to change her habits. I'm wrong because being wrong is kind of my specialty.
posted by freebird at 4:50 PM on February 6, 2006


HTuttle, spoken like a guy who doesn't go on many dates.

I kind of liked the idea here, but it's fishy that she ended up where she did. A performance art piece gone horribly right? Or another instance of gender mythology, i.e., no longer young woman must prostrate herself to powerful, rich dude or die alone? She might have done better with Friendster.
posted by bardic at 5:00 PM on February 6, 2006


Jezebel.
posted by slatternus at 5:02 PM on February 6, 2006


Strumpet
posted by slatternus at 5:02 PM on February 6, 2006


Slattern.
posted by bardic at 5:05 PM on February 6, 2006


Maybe I should try this. I don't know, though. Everytime I do go out with a man when my instincts say there's no potential, I end up regretting it.
posted by orange swan at 5:05 PM on February 6, 2006


Or another instance of gender mythology, i.e., no longer young woman must prostrate herself to powerful, rich dude or die alone?

Well, she was 20 at the time of her saying-yes-experiment, according to the first article.
posted by furiousthought at 5:05 PM on February 6, 2006


I'm mystified by the reactions here. So a woman decided to go out on a lot of dates in order to find Mr. Right. Is this not how this whole dating thing works? Whether it's five different people or 150, isn't the fact that she accomplished her end result the point?

A friend of mine is extremely tall. His girlfriend is extremely short. Yes, there's a huge height disparity. But they seem to be happy and good for each other.

Perhaps it's this cavalier manner of thinking outside the box and rampant dating that allows some people to understand what kind of relationship they want. But who is anyone here to cast judgment?

I mean, it's not as if this woman married a dolphin or anything.
posted by ed at 5:06 PM on February 6, 2006


"Make no mistake: if a woman is living, breathing and even slightly attractive -- or at least looks like she might put out -- she will be hit on several times a day, no matter where she goes or what she does, at least in the US."

Actually I beg to differ. Most (I mean 99.9%) men do not approach women who look very attractive in real life. The fear of rejection means they don't even try. Online, of course, is a different matter. But most men do nothing but gawk when they see a really gorgeous girl in person, and as a result most attractive women are actually quite lonely. The ones get asked out a lot are average looking, because most men think they have a decent shot at getting her into bed.
posted by ethlite at 5:07 PM on February 6, 2006


HTuttle is wrong because lots of women actively pursue guys they like these days. She's wrong because she has a very narrow view of what it means to change her habits.

Agreed and agreed.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:09 PM on February 6, 2006 [1 favorite]


Ethlite,

the previous poster said ...and even slightly attractive... not "really gorgeous". You didn't beg to differ, as it were, you actually nearly agreed that an average (or slightly above average girl) that looks like she'll put out will get hit on.
posted by nadawi at 5:12 PM on February 6, 2006


I was pulling for the mime.
posted by horsewithnoname at 5:14 PM on February 6, 2006 [1 favorite]


Her book better have an awesome cover, or I won't read it.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:15 PM on February 6, 2006 [1 favorite]


she was asked out by some interesting men (and a couple of women) - about 150 in all

Translation : 150 free meals
posted by Afroblanco at 5:20 PM on February 6, 2006


Actually I beg to differ.

Go ahead and beg. That is a bullshit sitcom/movie plot schtick. Attractive women think all doors are automatic for a reason.
posted by srboisvert at 5:21 PM on February 6, 2006


Go ahead and beg. That is a bullshit sitcom/movie plot schtick. Attractive women think all doors are automatic for a reason.


Awww, poor baby. You speak from personal experience I suppose? ;)
posted by ethlite at 5:29 PM on February 6, 2006


That Sex and the City thing gets boring in reruns.
posted by Hildegarde at 5:33 PM on February 6, 2006


a homeless man, 10 taxi drivers, two lesbians and a mime.

I'm not sure if this is a setup to a joke, or a Tom Lehrer lyric.
posted by eriko at 5:34 PM on February 6, 2006


It's pretty silly to think there's any individual answer for any individual person, but desparate singles will probably eat this up. The "if only women would lower their standards or seek something unexpected" angle tugs at my formerly dateless geek heart and it's certainly true for some individuals, but too low of standards harms a great deal of women. I can think of quite a few in that position who are friends and friends of friends. People often psychologically repeat dating patterns, so yeah, randomization can help. BUT, Headley's method is far from random, she's just putting the onus on the asker. That's bad news because it's exactly the position that predators want a vulnerable person to take. Instead of resigning to fate, I think most people find results by taking charge and building efficacy.

Maybe IHBT, but HTuttle's at least right about all singles needing to be proactive. Ask. Ask. And Ask. Absolutely nothing to lose. If you're worried that you're asking in the wrong pool, then force yourself to change pools.
posted by Skwirl at 5:36 PM on February 6, 2006


most attractive women are actually quite lonely

Uhhh, errr, well, that's uh, kinda, how can I say this? Oh yeah - Bullshit!

I've known more than a few beautiful women, and none of them were lonely. Well, let me correct that slightly - none of them were at a loss for a date, a fuck, or for someone to ask them out.
For the most beautiful of them, there was always a photographer or a musician around who knew how to open his mouth and take a shot.
posted by bashos_frog at 5:38 PM on February 6, 2006


I'm neither attractive nor a woman, so take the following with a load of salt:

I suspect that a lot of the beautiful women who consider themselves lonely and/or don't believe that they get hit on simply don't realize that they're being hit on. I suspect that most of these women don't realize that the process of hitting on a woman, out of your league or otherwise, you are attracted to involves primarily doing anything BUT being obvious about your intentions. 99% of all ulteriorly motivated discussion with attractive women (at least, for men and women not blessed with either blissfully ignorant self-confidence and/or beauty) involves the agonizing process of making almost impreceptibly subtle test remarks followed by microscopic scrutiny of any and all minor movements and responses made by the attractive woman in question. Most of the time, this results in the wooer deciding "she's totally not into me" and fucking off dejected.

The simplistic view of this could be as follows: Everybody needs to be hit over the head with absurdly obvious statements of attraction and/or affection to realize someone's into them, and no one is willing to do that, for fear of rejection.

But in fairness, most of the players I've met in my life are almost embarassingly bold in all their come ons. A testament, I suppose, to the intuition of players.
posted by shmegegge at 5:39 PM on February 6, 2006 [1 favorite]



she was asked out by some interesting men (and a couple of women) - about 150 in all

Translation : 150 free meals


Erm, not necessarily. While it's usually the case that the person who does the asking pays for the night out, some guys worry about offering to pay in case it offends any feminist sensibilities. She very likely paid for a few of those and went Dutch on a lot of them as well.
posted by Zinger at 5:40 PM on February 6, 2006


Sounds like it'll be a neat read. I love when people perform experiments in their own lives.
posted by notmydesk at 5:41 PM on February 6, 2006


She didn't do it for the 150 free meals, or to find Mr. Right. She did it for the book deal. That's the reason all NYU students and graduates do everything they do. They're hoping for a book deal someday.

(Full disclosure: I am an NYU graduate).

I must say though...I can see how dating in New York would lead her to settle for an old married dude with kids.

Yes--in Washington Square, all girls get asked out by crazies all the time. And the UES....yipes.

Everyone is lonely sometimes. It's almost always at least partially their own fault. But I don't regret ever having not dated a homeless dude.
posted by lampoil at 5:49 PM on February 6, 2006


Damn, that's a date every two or three days for the entire year. I hope she didn't have any friends.
posted by danb at 5:52 PM on February 6, 2006


150 times?

In one year?

Her?


God, no shit. I've seen this book reviewed in every venue except my bunghole and that's exactly what I think...every time.
posted by docpops at 5:57 PM on February 6, 2006


an average (or slightly above average girl) that looks like she'll put out will get hit on.

Well that explains Paris Hilton.

I heard recently than men have a mental list of what they want in a woman whereas woman have a mental list of what they don't want in a man. I think that's true- I know I've turned down the vast majoirty of people who've asked me out on dates, usually out of hand due to the fact I don't date people from work, or men with receeding hairlines and ponytails or Republicans or whatever. So dating anyone who asks is kind of interesting from a female point of view because normally? we don't.
posted by fshgrl at 6:01 PM on February 6, 2006


I asked this hot fucking Chinese girl out while she was doing leg excercises at the gym, the thigh machine. She squeezed her legs together, let out a moan, and said, "No."

Not a month later I saw her out at mother fucking French Laundry with a certain NYU professor, aging near 50 years old.

There, my sexism was cemented.

Granted, I only got in because of my mother, but so what. Damn you, young women, how lonely you will become.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 6:08 PM on February 6, 2006


She squeezed her legs together, let out a moan, and said, "No."

Dude, I hope in your next life you'll seriously consider becoming a fiction writer.
posted by docpops at 6:12 PM on February 6, 2006


Well, I'm glad it all worked out for her (...sometimes happiness is right your backyard all along...), but I'm kinda not getting the point of her experiment.

"Attractive young college woman in the big city gets asked out, and a lot." (Stop the Presses!)

Is there anyone alive (who has not taken a vow of celibacy) who hasn't learned this?

I guess what's newsworthy here is that she actually agreed to go out with all the poor 'not-a-chance' guys who asked her out.

I'm wondering when we'll see the book from her opposite number, the guy who hits on every single girl he meets?
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 6:14 PM on February 6, 2006


I'm wondering when we'll see the book from her opposite number, the guy who hits on every single girl he meets?

See, that's a book I'd read.
posted by nadawi at 6:16 PM on February 6, 2006


muttonchopjones: :-X
Auto response from Irascalopolator: I am away from my computer right now.

Irascalopolator returned at 5:18:59 PM.
muttonchopjones: :-*
Irascalopolator: O:-)
muttonchopjones: sup big nig?
Irascalopolator: Chillin' out max and relaxin' all cool
muttonchopjones: how about b-ball? You shootin some b-ball outside of the school?
Irascalopolator: Yup
Irascalopolator: But then these two guys
Irascalopolator: They looked like trouble to me
muttonchopjones: Oh man, they were up to no good
Irascalopolator: They came up and started giving me a hard time!
muttonchopjones: That's terrible.
Irascalopolator: So I hit them
Irascalopolator: With my fists
muttonchopjones: nice.
Irascalopolator: Mom wasn't having any of that!
Irascalopolator: It freaked her out, so she sent me out here, to Bell Aire to live with my aunt and uncle
muttonchopjones: for real?
Irascalopolator: It's pretty dope
muttonchopjones: Wow. You had a busy day!
Irascalopolator: The cabride over had dice!
Irascalopolator: The license plate said "Fresh", also. I knew that was for real
muttonchopjones: I bet he smelled terrible
Irascalopolator: Fresh pine scent!
muttonchopjones: They always do.
Irascalopolator: So I got there at like 7 or 8
muttonchopjones: He's in a service industry for chrissake.
Irascalopolator: And by then was was smelling rather ripe, so I told so
Irascalopolator: First thing I did was hit the bathroom
muttonchopjones: yeah?
Irascalopolator: To "sit on my throne", as it were.
muttonchopjones: oh, I see.
muttonchopjones: Well, hopefully you had a prodigious Carlton, and remembered to wipe.
Irascalopolator: More like an uncle phil, I hadn't gone in three days.
muttonchopjones: oh my. I hope you did not strain yourself unneccesarily.
Irascalopolator: No I made it through OK
Irascalopolator: I think next week I'll star in some shitty movies
muttonchopjones: I suggest you make liberal use of the phrase, "Aww, HELL naw!"
Irascalopolator: Seems too negative
Irascalopolator: I think I'll say "Oh great jesus!"
Irascalopolator: Only I mean it
muttonchopjones: put some commas in there
Irascalopolator: Oh, great. Jesus
muttonchopjones: "Oh, great, Jesus."
muttonchopjones: yes
Irascalopolator: Oh great Jesus.
muttonchopjones: So anyway, what's the haps, my peep?
Irascalopolator: Way to go
Irascalopolator: Same shit yo
posted by stenseng at 6:18 PM on February 6, 2006 [1 favorite]


an average (or slightly above average girl) that looks like she'll put out will get hit on.

That explains my triple digit number of first dates.
posted by orange swan at 6:19 PM on February 6, 2006


The reason why this kind of book sells is that single people want there to be a reason why they're single, so that they can fix it. If it's really the case that you're perfectly attractive and social and just haven't met the right one, you can't do anything about that.
posted by orange swan at 6:22 PM on February 6, 2006


Around here (NYU, and to a slightly lesser extent the whole city), if you're female, I don't think you really have to be attractive to get hit on a lot. (Not that I think she's unattractive -- that pixie look probably appeals to Amélie fans.) WSP, Broadway, Astor, St. Mark's -- that's all prime territory, in my opinion. Plus, she's a college student; she was, what, 20 when she did this? And I think a lot of people see a girl coming out of an NYU building and the "zomg coed = HAWT" light starts flashing.

I am not at all surprised that she got hit on 150 times in a year. But, as I implied before, I am very surprised that she was able to go on 150 dates after disqualifying "those who were drunks, druggies, violent, married or 'who introduced himself by grabbing [her].'"

I'm also surprised that so many guys were willing to follow through. I mean, when a guy shouts something like "Damn girl, I'd give you coke for a piece of that ass," or "Your lips are fine, but you know they'd look even better around my dick," I assume that the shouter is not expressing a desire to go on a date, or to have a relationship, with me. This makes me wonder why anyone bothers with this tactic. Has any guy ever gotten anything he wanted out of catcalls?
posted by booksandlibretti at 6:25 PM on February 6, 2006 [1 favorite]


If married men were in her unqualified list why did she accept a date with Robert?

By her own admission, regarding sex, she didn't always say yes.

Well I'd hope not.
posted by effwerd at 6:27 PM on February 6, 2006


Slightly off topic, but what is the thing with otherwise boring people writing memoirs? When I think "memoir" I think "Former Head of State" or "Gang Enforcer" (Let's not deal with my free-association right now.) I surely don't think "middleclass college graduate 20 something." I mean, she's got a SNL premise as a plot, and, and, what exactly? Come on, save some starving whales or catch ebola, just do something worth reading.
posted by elwoodwiles at 6:32 PM on February 6, 2006


So. Anyway, the Pope, Osama bin Laden, Pee Wee Herman, a homeless man, 10 taxi drivers, two lesbians and a mime leave the theater and decide to go back to the mime's place for a couple of brewskis. They ride for a while, the Pope wondering if this was such a good idea, what with the odor and all. Finally, the mime signals that they've arrived at his stop, and so the Pope, Osama bin Laden, a homeless man, 10 taxi drivers, two lesbians and a mime start shouldering their way to the exit. Realizing that someone's missing, Osama looks around and says "Hey, Pee Wee! Aren't you getting off?"

Pee Wee replies, "No, you pervert! I did that back at the theatre!"
posted by swell at 7:07 PM on February 6, 2006 [1 favorite]


I believe women like that used to be called sluts...
posted by c13 at 7:12 PM on February 6, 2006


1. I've seen this book reviewed in every venue except my bunghole and that's exactly what I think...every time.

That's funny, because I saw the book reviewed in your bunghole.

2. The fresh prince of bel air aim conversation was hysterical, whatever the reason it was posted here.
posted by shmegegge at 7:15 PM on February 6, 2006


Sounds like year of the AIDS test will be the sequel
posted by wakko at 7:46 PM on February 6, 2006


I asked this hot fucking Chinese girl out while she was doing leg excercises at the gym, the thigh machine. She squeezed her legs together, let out a moan, and said, "No."

Aw hell man, why didn't you just wait until she was at the dentist, or the ob-gyn? Christ. Learn to pick your moment - at least wait until she's finished with her reps.
posted by lilboo at 7:53 PM on February 6, 2006


I believe women like that used to be called sluts...

From the interview I heard on CBC, 'Yes' meant "had a cup of coffee with any guy who asked". No sex, and no free meals.

Plus, she's a college student; she was, what, 20 when she did this?

Exactly: when I was a 20 year old getting a date was the least of my worries. Beating the undesirables off with a stick was more like it. (60 year old taxi drivers. Street kids. Weird random smelly guys on the bus. Profs.)

After you're actually an adult (say, 25 or so) and no longer look all nice and malleable and passive, the attention fades. Thank god.

And I'm not so sure about the playwright, either: I'd not take a man 20 years my senior who arrived on my doorstep
the week after he'd split with his wife. Not a great bet -- even if she does think he's a genius. Hell, especially if she thinks he's a genius.
posted by jrochest at 8:34 PM on February 6, 2006


So a homeless man, 10 taxi drivers, two lesbians and a mime walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of book about dating?"
posted by TimeFactor at 9:25 PM on February 6, 2006


heh. So, she ended up meeting a married guy anyway, who wound up getting divorced. The guy she married is 25 years older than her (c'mon, *twenty five years* older?!) and has 2 grown children.

Hell, if it's that easy to slap together a book, what are we all waiting for? heh.
posted by drstein at 9:30 PM on February 6, 2006


an average (or slightly above average girl) that looks like she'll put out

Um. What exactly defines the "look" of a woman who "looks like she will put out"??

I thought it was pretty well accepted wisdom that what a woman wears and whether or not she wants to have sex are two completely different things.
posted by beth at 9:32 PM on February 6, 2006


spoken like a guy who doesn't go on many dates.

Perhaps one too many occurrences of the letter M.
posted by solid-one-love at 9:33 PM on February 6, 2006


Bardic: HTuttle, spoken like a guy who doesn't go on many dates.

Hey, do you know how tough it is to get a chick to come home with you when you live under a bridge?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:38 PM on February 6, 2006


Whether or not she wants to have sex and whether or not she looks like she will put out are also two completely different things.

If I dress up in a hard hat, overalls, and boots, and hang around a construction site, what are the chances that cute girl walking by will think I'm a computer programmer?

Like it or not - all books get judged by their covers. I believe there are studies showing that judgments about people are formed within the first two seconds of seeing them.
posted by bashos_frog at 9:45 PM on February 6, 2006


By her own admission, regarding sex, she didn't always say yes

This really seems to imply that sex was the rule rather than the exception.

I too am sitting mourh agape at the strangeness of the comment that most 10s are rather lonely. Look, many, if not most, men have no shame whatsoever*. For many their ego is impenetrable or they're just plain clueless about their justifiable weight class. Our male ancestors evolved this crazy sickness of mind, which is why we all get to be here today. Throw alcohol into the mix as well as the fact that for every female 10 there is a male 10 to match, and we get back to the point that if there are any lonely people based on looks, they more likely are, well, not so attractive. Once again the rich, smart, and beautiful have decided they need all the sympathy too.

Not to imply you are a pretty spoiled rich girl, ethlite, actually I don't even know your gender, but then again most Republicans that decide that the rich are being oppressed aren't exactly the rich ones.


* This is why most men who habitually ask women out have at least one ten somewhere in their history. Go on ask them.
posted by dgaicun at 9:50 PM on February 6, 2006


I thought it was pretty well accepted wisdom that what a woman wears and whether or not she wants to have sex are two completely different things.

Never heard of 'f*ck me boots?"

Some women dress provocatively when they are hoping for sex, some dress provocatively for an occasion, some dress provocatively for attention, some dress provocatively all the damn time.

There can be a correlation
posted by herting at 9:52 PM on February 6, 2006


I'm sorry, it appears I forgot my PC hat up there and got caught speaking the actual truth.

I didn't say that girls that dress a certain way will put out...i said if, to the guy who wants to talk to them, they look like they might, then the girl is probably more likely to get hit on. This isn't only based on mini skirts and push up bras, either. This is also based on the way a woman carries herself.
posted by nadawi at 10:24 PM on February 6, 2006


I have to agree it doesn't sound all that interesting at face value. Now if she had married one of the lesbians, THAT would be interesting, and would probably sell more copies.
posted by jopreacher at 10:50 PM on February 6, 2006


If she'd had one of the lesbian's kids, that would sell even more copies.
And possibly violate Bush's new tampering-with-DNA laws.

Mating strategies of young women: role of physical attractiveness

One of the most robust and reliable findings in the scientific literature on interpersonal attraction is the overwhelming role played by physical attractiveness in defining the ideal romantic partner. Both men and women express marked preference for an attractive partner in a noncommitted short-term (casual, one night stand) relationship. For committed long-term relationships, females appear to be willing to relax their demand for a partner's attractiveness, especially for males with high social status or good financial prospects.

Males also look for various personality qualities (kindness, understanding, good parental skills) in their search for long-term mating partners, but unlike females, they assign disproportionately greater importance to attractiveness compared to other personal qualities. The paramount importance of attractiveness in males' mate choices has been recently demonstrated by using the distinction between necessities (i.e., essential needs, such as food and shelter) and luxuries (i.e., objects that are sought after essential needs have been satisfied, such as a yacht or expensive car) made by economists.... [M]ales treat female attractiveness as a necessity in romantic relationships; given a limited "mating budget," males allocate the largest proportion of their budget to physical attractiveness rather than to other attributes such as an exciting personality, liveliness, and sense of humor....

In this paper, I present evidence indicating that men and women from diverse societies (Azore Island, Guinea-Bissau, Indonesia, and the U.S.) judge attractive female figures to be interesting, intelligent, and desirable companions but not very faithful.

posted by dhartung at 11:31 PM on February 6, 2006


So, a woman notices her selection process leaves her with creeps and weirdos who look alright at first glance, and decides to take the chance in case her selection process is at fault? Doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Many people rule out potentially great partners out of shallow concerns (not tall enough, too old, not enough six-pack). She doesn't and she's a slut now? Really.

If I were single and looking, I might do the same just for the experience. Meeting different people, people I'd normally never get to know, is fun.
posted by got balls? at 11:35 PM on February 6, 2006


Well, ok. Whatever.

But in my experience, while there may be more doors held open when I look my best, I'm not approached as often. Which is mostly a relief, since, for some reason, it's the creeps who approach the most.
posted by cytherea at 12:02 AM on February 7, 2006


OK, here is the plan.

Society must convince all single women from age 18-50 to read this book, no one should try to make them follow the book, just be aware of the concept.

Then we make a special, unique looking, but easily identifiable pin that women would wear when they are in the 'yes' phase. ('yes' phase being willing to say yes to the date, not necessarily to anything more than that, I am personally against going "too far" before marriage anway...)

This would make my life easier, and contrary to popular belief, easier is better :)
posted by Mip at 1:08 AM on February 7, 2006


I'm wondering when we'll see the book from her opposite number, the guy who hits on every single girl he meets?

When I was a teenager, I had a friend who would propose sex to virtually every woman he came across. Very little chat-up, just a minute or two, I suppose during which he'd get them past the idea that it was just an offensive comment but was a serious proposition and get some sense of how they were likely to take the proposal.

I could never understand how he could deal with all the rejections he got, but given that he claimed somewhere between one in ten and one in twenty actually agreed to his proposal, he thought it was a perfectly good system.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:34 AM on February 7, 2006 [1 favorite]


Young homeless guys get dates all the time , cause theyre vulnerable etc etc and women want to rescue them.
posted by sgt.serenity at 2:35 AM on February 7, 2006


A homeless man, 10 taxi drivers, two lesbians and a mime walk into a talent agency...

[snip]

..."The Aristocrats!"
posted by flabdablet at 2:43 AM on February 7, 2006


Young homeless guys get dates all the time

Probably like the most pissed off I've ever been, was when I was at a traffic light one day, and I see this homeless (I guess) kid, about my age begging at car windows for money with a tin soup can. In between begs, he's chatting and snuggling his girlfriend who is sitting there by him. His fucking girlfriend. A perfectly normal looking lass. Jesus Christ, we're not talking about a Nam vet or a drunken hobo, this guy is my age, perfectly healthy and employable - I didn't even have a girlfriend during that time! That guy was really begging for vehicular man-slaughter.
posted by dgaicun at 3:08 AM on February 7, 2006


dgaicun : Poor people don't deserve girlfriends.

Ok...

Young, healthy, employable, and yet homeless being an inspiration for annoyance, I get. But homeless yet having a girlfriend being an inspiration for annoyance, I don't quite get.
posted by Bugbread at 3:26 AM on February 7, 2006


Ah, the old 'I think I'll be an unpleasant sanctimonious ass instead of seeing the obvious humor in an anecdote'. Well played. Next week, bugbread interrupts a 'yo momma' joke with a lecture on maternal sacrifice.
posted by dgaicun at 3:34 AM on February 7, 2006


Young, healthy, employable, and yet homeless being an inspiration for annoyance, I get. But homeless yet having a girlfriend being an inspiration for annoyance, I don't quite get.

On a logical note, seriously? You seriously don't get it? Are you a robot? Autistic?
posted by dgaicun at 3:43 AM on February 7, 2006


It's like saying 'Ok I get the humor in a homeless man asking you for money pissing you off, but a homeless guy with his arms around Angelina Jolie and Natalie Portman asking for money, pissing you off, I just don't get.'
posted by dgaicun at 3:50 AM on February 7, 2006


Now that she's made a name for herself, maybe people will go to her plays.
posted by IndigoJones at 4:59 AM on February 7, 2006


When I was a teenager, I had a friend who would propose sex to virtually every woman he came across.

Ah, the Boomhauer method.
posted by you just lost the game at 5:55 AM on February 7, 2006


So, a woman notices her selection process leaves her with creeps and weirdos who look alright at first glance, and decides to take the chance in case her selection process is at fault?

Heh-heh... and it takes her another 150 times to verify that. Whatever else one may say about her, she sure is thorough...
posted by c13 at 6:01 AM on February 7, 2006


When I was twenty, I moved to a different city and decided to say Yes to everything that came my way. One yes too many and I ended up at an Amway meeting. By the end of the meeting I'd regained my ability to say Fuck No.
posted by palinode at 8:56 AM on February 7, 2006


Ten jokes about a homeless man, a mime, two lesbians, a republican congressman, Gary Gygax, and Paul Reubens walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What is this, a MetaFilter thread?"

Why did she date the married man despite her injunction against such? Because he was rich (a place in Seattle AND New York), and probably quite the seductor (he's a playwright/wordsmith). She's a young undergrad looking for her MRS degree. Why take 150 free meals when she can be set for life (was there a prenup?). She can work if she wants to, but probably has the time she needs to write full-time now. I can't say I'd turn down the same opportunity (except for that whole male-gendered concept of self-made man in the back of my head urging me to turn down any sort of help or handout).

I'm with HTuttle. Where's the Sadie Hawkins Year book? None of the successful relationships (let's call that more than 1 date) I've had have come from me asking someone out. In fact, the most successful have been from stubbornly insisting on being the pursued. I should write a book!
posted by Eideteker at 9:14 AM on February 7, 2006


It's a true story

hmm...

I just read the first article so far. Did I miss it (in which case my ADD must be getting worse, cos I read it twice) or was there *no* mention at all of what she does for a living? I mean apart from dating everyone and then write a book about it.

Why is her job not relevant information?
posted by funambulist at 10:23 AM on February 7, 2006


Ok, not seeing any mention of her job in the second article either.

Hmm. Hmm. Interesting.

Warning: do not ever under any circumstances adopt the smile-at-everyone advice in European cities like London or Paris. They lock people up for much less. So I'm told.
posted by funambulist at 10:27 AM on February 7, 2006


Dgaicun,

No, I'm not autistic or a robot. Are you a frat boy or redneck?

I honestly don't realize it was a joke. "I saw a young homeless guy with a girlfriend, and that pissed me off"...It must just be a really subtle joke.

Anyway, apologies. It seems to have gone right over my head. Care to explain it?
posted by Bugbread at 5:17 PM on February 7, 2006


The joke I suppose was in male ego and sense of (e.g. sexual) superiority and human notions of entitlement. The analogue might be if bugbread saw a redneck asshole like dgaicun dating attractive women and getting literary acclaim seemingly effortlessly while hardworking bugbread was an unwitting virgin struggling to get career recognition. The coup de grace might be if dgaicun asked to borrow your favorite shirt for one of his hot dates, because "you're not gonna be using it, right?". Or maybe if I asked to borrow your typewriter but couldn't even remember what it was called, "Dude I totally just won a Pulitzer, can I borrow that, um, typy thing for the show?".

Similar themes were explored in the movie Amadeus, where Mozart was (ahistorically) made to look kind of like a lazy dick, so we can identify with the hardworking Salieri as the one who should be the famous genius. This is tragic, but the movie certainly saw the humor in it as well, which was further highlighted by the Simpsons parody in the Frank Grimes episode, where Franky played my road rage to Homer's homeless playa'.

So to lay it out for you, which pretty much kills anything in it that I thought was funny (thanks, by the way), these same exact themes are what I thought made it humorous. At first comes the aggravation that this skater is a loser who has no right being a beggar, in the same sense that I would exhibit low character if I stepped out to beg right now for a few extra bucks (something also parodied on the Simpsons!), or figured out during highschool that I didn't have to do chores for my parents because I could just mooch off a low self-esteem girlfriend. But the insult to injury is that even this loser was more of a playa' than me. That he doesn't even have to hide it, and that he is asking me for money not only when I think he's a dick for asking, but when I'm also jealous of him.

While the 'we work hard, they need to get jobs' spirit has an ugly kind of theme that underrides American economic politics, there was no political angle to my comment. There are individual cases and judgment calls, and there is such a thing as just having low character (e.g. mooching off girlfriend, above). I judged this to be such a case.

Really, if I had to guess, I would say the politics aren't what's driving your snide assholics at all, though; more like the need (ironically driven by the very same "male emotions" that you are acting oblivious toward) to try and exhibit your superiority over me ('I wouldn't joke about such a thing as poverty') and watch me dance ('explain yourself, naive!'). Congrats.
posted by dgaicun at 10:28 PM on February 7, 2006


I thought it was funny, dgaicun.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:00 AM on February 8, 2006 [1 favorite]


Thanks for the explanation, dgaicun. I can see it now.

Really, if I had to guess, I would say the politics aren't what's driving your snide assholics at all, though; more like the need (ironically driven by the very same "male emotions" that you are acting oblivious toward) to try and exhibit your superiority over me ('I wouldn't joke about such a thing as poverty') and watch me dance ('explain yourself, naive!'). Congrats.

Er, well, you guessed wrong. My "snide assholics" were driven by two things: me not getting the joke, and me thinking you were being an asshole. And what I was oblivious to was the joke. I wasn't aware a joke is a "male emotion". And, yeah, I'd joke about poverty, but just not in the same way. And, no, I asked you to explain yourself because I thought I got you (I thought you were just being an asshole), but it turns out I was wrong (you were making a joke), but I didn't get the joke, so I asked, so that I could see where/what the joke was.

So, thanks (sincerely) for the explanation, and I hope you don't "have to guess", 'cause it looks like you would have guessed wrong.

Simplified: I misinterpreted your point, you misinterpreted my motives.
posted by Bugbread at 9:13 AM on February 8, 2006


On the plus side at least we ruined the thread. Sure it was probably over, but I'd like to think we did.
posted by dgaicun at 10:28 AM on February 8, 2006


I hereby claim this thread and all its riches for the honor and glory of myself and my heirs.
posted by onlyconnect at 5:10 PM on February 9, 2006


...So the mime says, "This isn't working out. When we're together, I feel like I'm in a box."
posted by horsewithnoname at 5:57 PM on February 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


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