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Captain's Blog. Stardate 317142.96
February 22, 2006 4:32 PM   Subscribe

The Blog of Captain Jean-Luc Picard The Diary of a Harassed Starfleet Officer in the 24th Century of the Star Trek of Life. Read the trials of tribulations of the most pompous Captain in the Fleet. Including Borg Recruitment, Worf being stalked, and Equal Pay for Holograms. Written as dryly as Patrick Stewart acts.
posted by MiltonRandKalman (39 comments total)

 
That overposted YTMND clip in 5...4...3...
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:33 PM on February 22, 2006


"But by then I've seen everything..."
posted by klangklangston at 4:34 PM on February 22, 2006


I know a woman who said that she had gread fun making out with a Klingon at a Trek convention. She said his ridges were a turn-on. I also almost dated a guy with a Federation logo tattooed on his bicep. These people are everywhere.
posted by jonmc at 4:36 PM on February 22, 2006


You almost dated a guy? Wow, Jon, I didn't realize your love for AC/DC extended beyond cock rock.
posted by klangklangston at 4:37 PM on February 22, 2006


haha. I just figured the Klingon makeout thing was a nice related anecdote. carry on.

(also I remember back in the early days of the Web, I made my living selling computer manuals, people would ask me what the web was like. I'd say 'That depends. How much do you like X-Files, The Grateful Dead and Star Trek?' It's nice to see the old 'net obsessions are still alive and well)
posted by jonmc at 4:42 PM on February 22, 2006


jonmc pontificated It's nice to see the old 'net obsessions are still alive and well

I'll be sure to cross post this on alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:48 PM on February 22, 2006


Klingon ridges a turn on? I can't see that one. Trill spots, on the other hand...
posted by evilangela at 5:06 PM on February 22, 2006


Patrick Stewart acts dryly? I quite like the way he played the cap'n....

btw, anyone have the link to that Gervais/Stewart silly video clip? my googlefu is failing :(
posted by gren at 5:12 PM on February 22, 2006


As a gay man, even I have to admit that the Borg Queen is hot.
posted by matty at 5:13 PM on February 22, 2006


well, resistance is futile, dude.
posted by jonmc at 5:18 PM on February 22, 2006


Yes, but is she . . . fully functional?
posted by Mikey-San at 5:20 PM on February 22, 2006


Can I do my Holodeck Denial joke again? PAH-leeeeeeze!
posted by tkchrist at 5:32 PM on February 22, 2006



As a gay man, even I have to admit that the Borg Queen is hot.


If you mean Alice Krige the Borg Queen then I'll have to agree.

This comes from someone who had the pleasure to work with her as an actor with performance-driven graphics and me as the effects supervisor. Not to brag, but we started talking so much the director forbade her to talk with me anymore, and we had a fond parting.
Our on-set communications had to be relayed through third parties.

She is the sweetest, smartest, coolest, well-read, well-traveled, super hotty that I have ever met by way far.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:36 PM on February 22, 2006


This might be amusing if it bore any resemblance whatsoever to an actual blog, versus a tragically uninteresting narrative pointlessly hacked up and filled with dreadful dialogue.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:41 PM on February 22, 2006


If you insult Patrick Stewart's acting again, I'll cut you.
posted by mek at 5:42 PM on February 22, 2006


Alice Krige, Borg Queen - they'll always be one and same to me. There is no substitute.

And she's still hot.
posted by matty at 5:43 PM on February 22, 2006


Here you go, gren.

(First hit for a search on "metafilter.com: patrick stewart ricky gervais extras video".)
posted by A dead Quaker at 5:53 PM on February 22, 2006


Here's where I come off sounding like a Alice Krige fanatic - but it hasn't escaped me that she's in "Silent Hill"...
posted by matty at 5:54 PM on February 22, 2006


This is the worst Star Trek fan-fiction I've ever read.

But this is still a halfway-decent post. Thanks.
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:57 PM on February 22, 2006


even I have to admit that the Borg Queen is hot.

Yeah but the detachable head can make for some... erm... awkward moments.
posted by tkchrist at 6:01 PM on February 22, 2006


Picard would never make so many typos and grammar errors. I remain wholly unconvinced.

Also, Beverly is supposed to make out with Wesley, not Picard. Picard prefers holodeck fantasies, anyway.
posted by loquacious at 6:09 PM on February 22, 2006


Beverly makes out with her own son? That's sick, dude.
posted by papakwanz at 6:11 PM on February 22, 2006


And I thought it was Geordi who liked the holodeck hotties? Picard likes sophisticated MILFs like Dr. Crusher.

Riker, on the other hand, will hit anything that breathes, whether its oxygen, water, or some sort of noxious, sulfuric gas.
posted by papakwanz at 6:14 PM on February 22, 2006


If you mean Alice Krige the Borg Queen then I'll have to agree.

Alice Krige: Ghost Story, ST: First Contact, and SciFi's Children of Dune ... all three of those movies will make you realize that Krige can do more acting with just one muscle in her face than Stewart can with his entire body.
posted by WolfDaddy at 6:29 PM on February 22, 2006


And I thought it was Geordi who liked the holodeck hotties?

Geordi did like the holodeck hotties, but Ensign Broccoli took holoaddiction to a whole new level.
posted by Fat Guy at 6:37 PM on February 22, 2006


Lt. Broccoli, sorry. Anyway, it was good to see Dwight Schultz get some work.
posted by Fat Guy at 6:39 PM on February 22, 2006


Beverly makes out with her own son?

Well, in my Star Trek universe, at least.

That's sick, dude.

Yup. That's what makes it hot!
posted by loquacious at 6:50 PM on February 22, 2006


Poor Barclay. I'm always pissed there was never a Naked Now redux episode where he wound up with Troi.
posted by Ryvar at 6:56 PM on February 22, 2006


Alice Krige also gets into a wicked ass catfight with Faye Dunaway in Barfly!
Uh... why are you all looking at me like that?
::Backs away from the Trekkies::
Uhm... "Make it so, Number One...?"
::Runs away from Trekkies::

posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:44 PM on February 22, 2006


I recently got to see the pilot episode of STNG. It is quite clear in that episode that Riker had the hots for Wesley. When they first meet, and are about to part, Riker looks at Wesley, there is a pregnant pause, and Riker says (in a deepened voice) "I'll see you on board."

I've wondered if the version I saw may have been subtly edited to put that suggestion in.

As for Patrick Stuart: He's a wonderful actor. Just look at him in "Jeffery", playing a gay interior decorator. Perhaps what you call "dry" is your inability to appreciate someone who actually acts like a ship's skipper, rather than like a testosterone-fueled adolescent (Kirk). More diplomat than warrior, and not chasing after every skirt that meets his eye.

posted by Goofyy at 9:53 PM on February 22, 2006


jacquilynne's right on -- this is crap.

And Patrick Stewart is excellent! I will brook no dissent upon this topic.

Rumours on the internets -- actually, I believe rumours from Mr Stewart himself, but I can't remember which interview he mentioned it in -- indicate that for certain parts of US Navy officer training they'd show them parts of TNG to show them how a captain ought to operate.

Besides his acting skills, he's funny, and just generally awesome. I would have a beer with him any day. Or, you know. Tea.
posted by blacklite at 11:20 PM on February 22, 2006


Patrick Stewart = Spider Jerusalem?
posted by homunculus at 11:36 PM on February 22, 2006


Make it so, #1

Patrick Stewart is hot.
posted by infini at 11:44 PM on February 22, 2006


Here's something to listen to while reading the blog.
posted by Citizen Premier at 12:12 AM on February 23, 2006


The Borg Queen ruined The Borg for me. I liked 'em when they were simply inhuman, but with the queen they were made to be evil rather than insectish.
posted by Citizen Premier at 12:15 AM on February 23, 2006


I happen to know that on management degrees they study the 'picard style' (where complete trust and loyalty is engendered).
posted by leibniz at 2:54 AM on February 23, 2006


If you ever get the chance to see Extras (Ricky Gervais' project after The Office) definitely check out the Patrick Stewart episode.
posted by vbfg at 4:09 AM on February 23, 2006


A dead Quaker, my god that's funny, thanks for pointing it out.

I must have missed it on Dec 18th. Every day of MeFi is like a special snowflake. . .
posted by tiamat at 5:10 AM on February 23, 2006


for certain parts of US Navy officer training they'd show them parts of TNG to show them how a captain ought to operate.

Ummm... no one ever made us watch STNG in OCS, or during Flight School for that matter. But it woulda been kinda cool?? On the other hand, we WERE encouraged to practice flying a T-34 on Microsoft's Flight Simulator!!
posted by matty at 5:18 AM on February 23, 2006


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