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X-rated basketball?
March 3, 2006 11:54 AM   Subscribe

X-rated basketball? The editor of the Bryan-College Station paper says it ain't so. But to many, the picture of a basketball player in their sports section looks like he's exposing himself. At least they sold all their papers.
posted by nospecialfx (118 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Heh. Weinis.
posted by everichon at 11:56 AM on March 3, 2006


Oh, I see: Flash friday.
posted by everichon at 11:57 AM on March 3, 2006


dang...
posted by yodelingisfun at 11:58 AM on March 3, 2006


It's twue, it's twue.
posted by digaman at 12:00 PM on March 3, 2006


not a penis.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 12:00 PM on March 3, 2006



posted by sonofsamiam at 12:01 PM on March 3, 2006


"Honey, I am not from Havana!"
posted by Dipsomaniac at 12:01 PM on March 3, 2006


Fark.
posted by public at 12:06 PM on March 3, 2006


hahaha...
posted by hototogisu at 12:09 PM on March 3, 2006


I don't think it's a wang - I think it's a lamprey.
posted by davelog at 12:10 PM on March 3, 2006


how is that a color corrected band from the guy's shorts? I mean, it's not a penis, but it certainly looks like something non-fabric.
posted by mathowie at 12:10 PM on March 3, 2006


Damn, looks like Matt took my link down just that fast but allowed that tired Dick Chaney shot to stay.
posted by fixedgear at 12:12 PM on March 3, 2006


I just feel really sorry for the guy.
posted by Tablecrumbs at 12:13 PM on March 3, 2006


fixedgear: it was a "fuck you hotlinkers" message.
posted by hototogisu at 12:13 PM on March 3, 2006


Thanks, hototogisu, looked fine on preview. I put it on my flickr page.
posted by fixedgear at 12:16 PM on March 3, 2006


Oh, for fuck's sake. I had totally forgotten about that Cheney picture, and now I'm blind again.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 12:18 PM on March 3, 2006


The paper should put the high-resolution detail on the web somewhere.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:19 PM on March 3, 2006


mathowie: It's the front inside lining of his shorts, which is white. Looks like the light catches the front inside differently from the back inside, making it look like there are two different colors there.

Pretty weird illusion.
posted by sellout at 12:19 PM on March 3, 2006


Is Cheney excited about the kid, the waiter, or the food?
posted by NationalKato at 12:20 PM on March 3, 2006


I was just staring at that guy's impossibly huge floppy wang when, Magic Eye-like, I realized how it could just be very discolored fabric. I am more willing to believe that than to think it's just very discolored skin.
posted by rxrfrx at 12:20 PM on March 3, 2006


Texas. Surprise.
posted by sfts2 at 12:20 PM on March 3, 2006


BTW, a flaccid schlong is R-rated in most contexts, no?
posted by rxrfrx at 12:21 PM on March 3, 2006


What black guy would ever be that Crayola "flesh" colour? Or is this a spare he has growing out of his right thigh?
posted by rosemere at 12:21 PM on March 3, 2006


As for the basketball link, it's definitely not a penis. He's got black athletic spandex on underneath his shorts.
posted by NationalKato at 12:21 PM on March 3, 2006


You can see that the guy's wearing black workout shorts beneath his uni. But damn if that doesn't look like King Dong.
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:22 PM on March 3, 2006


It's a soft pack, isn't it?
posted by hototogisu at 12:24 PM on March 3, 2006


I'm a doctor. That is a penis. EOM.
posted by docpops at 12:24 PM on March 3, 2006


It's a magic johnson.
posted by fandango_matt at 12:26 PM on March 3, 2006


mathowie writes "how is that a color corrected band from the guy's shorts?"

I'm not sure, but compare the color of the "object" to the color of the text on his uniform. It's the same, which implies that the object would be white pre-correction or in the proper light...
posted by mr_roboto at 12:27 PM on March 3, 2006


Look at the player's thigh - he's wearing something underneath his shorts. As commenter Nick Kramer at that Deadspin link points out, "Either he's wearing a pair of compression shorts with a hole in the middle, or that really is an optical illusion."
posted by Guy Smiley at 12:27 PM on March 3, 2006



posted by dhartung at 12:30 PM on March 3, 2006



posted by chaz at 12:33 PM on March 3, 2006


What's funniest to me is that none of the stories actually use the word "penis." Now that's fucked up.

My vote is not a penis, but I wouldn't be that surprised if it were.

Now for the judgment of the photo editor who ran it ... that's ridiculous.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:34 PM on March 3, 2006


I love the green guy in that picture. He's from the future.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:34 PM on March 3, 2006


It's the front inside lining of his shorts, which is white. Looks like the light catches the front inside differently from the back inside, making it look like there are two different colors there.

I agree
posted by matteo at 12:35 PM on March 3, 2006


Excuse me while I whip this out...
posted by Gamblor at 12:38 PM on March 3, 2006


Yeah, its pretty clear what it is. The outside of the shorts are that ugly burnt orange of UT. The inside of the shorts are a whiteish uncolored material. From the inside, if the light is outside, the color looks that flesh color (lit burnt orange being viewed through white material). There is an additional white trip around the bottom. But what we are seeing is a glimpse inside his shorts and seeing the burnt orange through the white inside.

Talk about a tempest in a teapot.
posted by dios at 12:42 PM on March 3, 2006


*shuns chaz*
posted by rosemere at 12:43 PM on March 3, 2006


Cheney's package? Probably a Foley Catheter.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 12:43 PM on March 3, 2006


I found this photo, which shows that the lining, while white, takes on a peachy cast when it's in the shadow. I think it's just bad lighting and bad judgement (on the part of the editor).

I'm on Team Lining. Who's on Team Penis?
posted by iconomy at 12:49 PM on March 3, 2006


If you enlarge the image it's painfully clear that some sort of 'appendage' is protruding from beneath his shorts and lifting the fabric. If not a penis, then what? This, perhaps? (very nsfw)
posted by docpops at 12:50 PM on March 3, 2006


It seems very obvious that it's merely a trick of the light.

However, that won't stop me from forwarding this picture to everyone I know and pretending that it's a penis.

That's how I roll.
posted by ColdChef at 12:53 PM on March 3, 2006


Cheney's package? Probably a Foley Catheter.


Thank you, PurplePorpoise! I am much more comfortable, perhaps even gleeful, with the idea that Cheney has to pee into a bag than with the idea that he has some kind of huge alpha male schlong.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 12:54 PM on March 3, 2006


BTW, a flaccid schlong is R-rated in most contexts, no?

Black schlongs are always X, flaccidity notwithstanding.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 12:55 PM on March 3, 2006


What black guy would ever be that Crayola "flesh" colour?

This bears repeating. All the penis-seers are apparently unaware that black dudes' wangs are not peach-colored.
posted by purplemonkie at 1:02 PM on March 3, 2006


He's wearing biker shorts/compression pants/whatever you want to call them. It is not his wang. Even assuming he DID have a 12" tool, it would necessarily need to be properly stowed, in said biker shorts, to make playing basketball even possible.

Also, the Cheney shot above? The catheter explanation is the most reasonable, given his age, his existing medical problems, and at least the appearance of a mild stroke at some point in his life.

Of course, I'm sure Haliburton perfected "massive cocks for rich white guys" years ago, so maybe it is what it looks like.
posted by Ynoxas at 1:04 PM on March 3, 2006


All the penis-seers are apparently unaware that black dudes' wangs are not peach-colored.

Actually, genital pigmentation may vary greatly in darker individuals. It's teh cock.
posted by docpops at 1:05 PM on March 3, 2006


He's a very gifted...athlete!
posted by Lord Kinbote at 1:06 PM on March 3, 2006


mrgrimm and ColdChef, you've made my day.
posted by goatdog at 1:07 PM on March 3, 2006


I used my super-CSI image-enhancement software to enlarge the image, and found that davelog is, indeed, correct.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:10 PM on March 3, 2006


That lamprey needs a time-out.
posted by docpops at 1:13 PM on March 3, 2006


Actually, purplemonkie, they can be substantially lighter than the rest of the body. Personal experience.
posted by juniper at 1:17 PM on March 3, 2006


C'est une peepee, no? OUI!!!!!
posted by Shfishp at 1:17 PM on March 3, 2006


Well, one thing's for sure - that guy isn't going to have any problem getting dates for awhile.
posted by stinkycheese at 1:18 PM on March 3, 2006


Actually, purplemonkie, they can be substantially lighter than the rest of the body.

Well... sure, they can be. I should not have spoken so absolutely. But it is my impression that such pigmentation is less common, and I just don't think the chances are very good that this guy a) happens to have developed a hole in the crotch of his black athletic shorts and b) has a really light-colored penis that c) has somehow managed to pop out through said hole.

It is more fun to think it's a penis, though.
posted by purplemonkie at 1:28 PM on March 3, 2006


Guy Smiley writes "'Either he's wearing a pair of compression shorts with a hole in the middle, or that really is an optical illusion.'"

Ya, let's assume one is hung like that, one has to keep things constrained to avoid injury. Especially while playing basketball.
posted by Mitheral at 1:29 PM on March 3, 2006


It's a wardrobe misinterpretation.
posted by Clay201 at 1:29 PM on March 3, 2006


I dunno. If you enlarge that photo...it looks like you just spent the last 20 seconds or so staring at some guy's wang.
posted by graventy at 1:34 PM on March 3, 2006


I'm still going to feel horribly inadequate, just in case.
posted by tommasz at 1:39 PM on March 3, 2006


If this is a (basically weightless) band from the guy's shorts, why is the fabric conforming to its motion so well? That takes some weight, baby!
posted by honeyx at 1:48 PM on March 3, 2006


Metafilter: It's more fun to think it's a penis.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 1:53 PM on March 3, 2006


You're all ignoring the terrifying implications of this image. If it's not his penis... then whose is it?
posted by Nedroid at 1:59 PM on March 3, 2006


Pretty sure it's der wänger. It looks very close in color to the rest of his skin, and the black shorts that everybody's referring to could definitely be shadow.

The excuse that "you wouldn't play basketball with it flopping around like that" completely ignores the possibility of SLIPPAGE!!!!1!
posted by sluggo at 2:08 PM on March 3, 2006


I'm sure Haliburton perfected "massive cocks for rich white guys" years ago

I work for Halliburton, and unfortunately that isn't in our medical benefits. At least, not the ones I have..
posted by mrbill at 2:10 PM on March 3, 2006


I guess its true, everything IS bigger in Texas...
posted by sfts2 at 2:12 PM on March 3, 2006


You can't play basketball while freeballing. So it's not his johnson. You can even see his black tights on his leg. Do you think he cut a hole in the crotch so he could wave his extra hand on defense?
posted by b_thinky at 2:12 PM on March 3, 2006


I'd be more impressed if he'd actually blocked the shot.
posted by elwoodwiles at 2:20 PM on March 3, 2006


I'm sure Haliburton perfected "massive cocks for rich white guys*" years ago

I work for Halliburton, and unfortunately that isn't in our medical benefits. At least, not the ones I have..
posted by mrbill at 4:10 PM CST on March 3 [!]


*Offer good to Halliburton CEO's only
posted by Ynoxas at 2:20 PM on March 3, 2006


I downloaded it and enlarged it. I tried really hard to see how it's just a flap of fabric, but I just can't. It looks like a dick, with a head an' everything. I can't explain the black underpinnings in light of that -- unless maybe that is the lining of the shorts? I dunno.
posted by Gator at 2:21 PM on March 3, 2006


Truly, the best of the web.
posted by Kickstart70 at 2:23 PM on March 3, 2006


Riddle me this: Why would his wang be moving the opposite direction of his legs?
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 2:52 PM on March 3, 2006


I downloaded it and enlarged it.
posted by Gator


Of all the things one might do with it, enlarging it isn't the first thing to come to mind, Gator.
posted by leftcoastbob at 3:05 PM on March 3, 2006


it's really not a wang.

but i'm glad we had this little talk.
posted by blacklite at 3:09 PM on March 3, 2006


I just read an entire article and 73 comments about a picture that may or may not contain an exposed penis.

I hate myself and all that I stand for.
posted by dirigibleman at 3:14 PM on March 3, 2006


I'm on team penis. Why don't we have a google fight. We win.
posted by Suparnova at 3:34 PM on March 3, 2006


I don't want to be exposed to shorts liner!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:47 PM on March 3, 2006


Riddle me this: Why would his wang be moving the opposite direction of his legs?

Momentum? The legs control the direction of the body. In basketball there's lots of quick movements. The legs start going one way, the wang follows. The legs quickly change directions, then the wang needs a split-second or two to follow suit and swing back.

In this case, it would be most likely explained by the offensive player making a quick move toward the basketball, i.e. a step or dribble fake, then quickly pulling up for the three-point shot. The defender (wang) starts to move backwards, then jumps forward to get a hand in the shooter's face. Wang moving backwards, legs moving forwards. QED.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:48 PM on March 3, 2006


the wang needs a split-second or two to follow suit and swing back

I should have added "especially when it's that large."
posted by mrgrimm at 3:49 PM on March 3, 2006


On further review, it doesn't even really look *that* big. I may be switching to Team Wang.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:49 PM on March 3, 2006


That is just an unfortunately lit fold of dude's shorts. There's a red outer shell, and a white inner layer. Take a piece of white cloth, and put some red cloth behind it, then hold em up to the light. Damn if the white cloth don't look pink.


Moving on.
posted by stenseng at 3:54 PM on March 3, 2006


Who's on Team Penis?

I am! I am! But I think this picture isn't a penis.
posted by me & my monkey at 4:15 PM on March 3, 2006


Occam's Razor, people.
posted by docpops at 4:20 PM on March 3, 2006


Riddle me this: Why would his wang be moving the opposite direction of his legs?
Back and to the left. Back and to the left.
posted by jrossi4r at 4:22 PM on March 3, 2006


I'm agnostic until I can examine a much higher resolution image. But people's assumptions about what color the guy's wang must be are disappointing.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 4:53 PM on March 3, 2006


Occam's Razor, people.

Please don't discuss razors in a thread about penises.
posted by me & my monkey at 5:18 PM on March 3, 2006


Indeed. If nothing else, he could have had a wang transplant, perhaps from an orca.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:34 PM on March 3, 2006


And to think I was told I would never play professional sports becaue of my massive peener.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:56 PM on March 3, 2006


That's because you're a girl, AZ.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:54 PM on March 3, 2006 [1 favorite]


But people's assumptions about what color the guy's wang must be are disappointing.

Please tell me you're not serious about this.

Anyway, you guys are all so busy talking about the fake optical illusion schlong that you totally missed the three real ones!


posted by purplemonkie at 6:54 PM on March 3, 2006


Okay, after spending another 25 seconds looking at it, I'm switching to Team Lining. But it's an excellent optical illusion. Of the faces/vase variety. Give that photog a Pulitzer!
posted by graventy at 7:28 PM on March 3, 2006


"Please tell me you're not serious about this."

Real Black People have wangs of varying shades.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 7:35 PM on March 3, 2006


I think "Wangs of Varying Shades" was a Moody Blues album.
posted by ColdChef at 7:37 PM on March 3, 2006 [1 favorite]


You might be thinking of "On The Threshold of a Wang," ColdChef.

I wonder what Daniel Gibson thinks of this whole mishegoss.
posted by Gator at 7:39 PM on March 3, 2006


"Wangs in Red and White Nylon"? Nah, doesn't scan.
posted by rosemere at 7:59 PM on March 3, 2006


Wang Chung
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 8:13 PM on March 3, 2006


This year we're going back to basics, work on our fundamentals, lots of drills, condtioning, zone defence and Michaels is going to work extra hard on keeping his giant floppy semi-sentient pink cock from escaping his shorts when he's in the top of the key. I think it's gonna be a good season.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:41 PM on March 3, 2006 [2 favorites]


And to think I was told I would never play professional sports becaue of my massive peener.

That's because you're a girl, AZ.


And yet Chyna succeeded. I say chase your dreams, AZ.
posted by booksandlibretti at 8:50 PM on March 3, 2006


... and Michaels is going to work extra hard on keeping his giant floppy semi-sentient pink cock from escaping his shorts when he's in the top of the key.

Why? Can't it dribble?
posted by me & my monkey at 8:53 PM on March 3, 2006


Yeah, but it's a fucking chucker. No skills at all.
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:00 PM on March 3, 2006


Oh lord.
posted by Citizen Premier at 9:31 PM on March 3, 2006


I, for one, welcome our new peach-coloured overlords.
posted by rosemere at 9:33 PM on March 3, 2006


Real Black People have wangs of varying shades.

As a Real Black Person myself -- indeed, one who several hours ago admitted I spoke too broadly above -- I assure you I am not in need of a lesson in Black wang pigmentation. Thanks, though.

Oh, and Chyna's peener is moderately sized, at best.
posted by purplemonkie at 9:58 PM on March 3, 2006 [1 favorite]


"Pluck your magic wanger, Longhorn!" Why, after all, are the players called "LONG Horns"?

What all of you have forgotten is that the University of Texas uses the same uniform designer that Janet Jackson used for her famous Super Bowl gig!!

Pullaparts_R_us!
posted by PlanoTX at 10:24 PM on March 3, 2006


MetaFilter: I assure you I am not in need of a lesson in Black wang pigmentation.
posted by chaz at 11:07 PM on March 3, 2006


"As a Real Black Person myself -- indeed, one who several hours ago admitted I spoke too broadly above -- I assure you I am not in need of a lesson in Black wang pigmentation. Thanks, though."

So we're clear here? You spoke too broadly, apparently characterizing all Black people, and then corrected yourself?

Sounds like you did need a lesson in Black wang pigmentation, regardless of the color of yours.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 11:09 PM on March 3, 2006


So this is just a Cock and (Texas) Bull story?
posted by Navek Rednam at 12:59 AM on March 4, 2006


*Offer good to Halliburton CEO's only

Well, my name is Bill Bradford...

(I get all of his junk postal mail, email spam, and last week got a phone call from someone at the Air Force trying to do business - I had to explain to him that I'm just a systems admin and not the former Chairman of the Board..)
posted by mrbill at 4:43 AM on March 4, 2006


I assure you I am not in need of a lesson in Black wang pigmentation. Thanks, though.

Yoink!
posted by Gator at 5:21 AM on March 4, 2006


So we're clear here? You spoke too broadly, apparently characterizing all Black people, and then corrected yourself?

Sounds like you did need a lesson in Black wang pigmentation, regardless of the color of yours.


Oh, for god's sake, EB. I have no intention of getting into a pissing match (heh) with you over this and your desire to make absolutely, positively certain I humble myself in the face of your superior knowledge of Black cock is amusing. Let's get some perspective here: I made an offhand remark in a silly thread about basketball penises, and yes, I was wrong -- horror of horrors! -- and corrected myself. I have no problem admitting that. What I do have a problem with is your need to come in here condescendingly tsk-tsking at me with an oh-so-subtle racism accusation and, apparently, some unwarranted assumptions about who I am and how I perceive Black people. I have been thinking deeply about race and racism for years; in fact, I was a professional anti-racism trainer for quite some time before my recent reincarnation as a biochemist. To have you chastize me like that, in that tone, over a one-liner which I had already rescinded rubbed me the wrong way in at least three different directions. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from here, even if you remain "disappointed."

(And not that it matters, but I am a woman and thus rather wangless, personally.)
posted by purplemonkie at 6:31 AM on March 4, 2006


Texas Schlonghorns
posted by kirkaracha at 7:30 AM on March 4, 2006


purplemonkie, you weren't the only one to make that assumption, and I wasn't chastizing you personally. It seemed to me, and still seems to me, that making that assumption reveals a kind of essentialist attitude about race and skin color. In a non-Black person that's racism, even if a relatively mild and benign variety. What is it in a Black person? I don't know. But as I considered your response last night before I wrote mine, it occured to me that your skin coloration has no more direct relevance to the matter at, er, hand than does a white person's. It was embarassing to be caught making the assumption that you and the others are white when you are not, but that error and my embrassment didn't change things that much. I did overreact—but I have a strong negative reaction to anything that smacks of "oh those people are that way", especially in this context where skin color is a continuum and not even always regular across the entire body.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 9:27 AM on March 4, 2006


At first glance it seems like a penis, but...

1: Why does it seem to be sprouting from his upper thigh rather than his pelvis?

2: What is the deal with the spandex shorts (which since they have the same sharp edges as the knee band, certainly appear real.)

So my vote is:

strap on
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:37 AM on March 4, 2006


After much squinting, I'm going to have to go with Team Lining. I go with sorrow, though.

And now, having spent the past twenty minutes reading about this guy's wang, gawking at it, debating, and finally just deciding that bro's not going to be wanting for dates, I'm going to go read the New Yorker and pretend I have some dignity left.
posted by kalimac at 10:01 AM on March 4, 2006


I love the green guy in that picture. He's from the future.

I love you. Primarily since you can read my thoughts.
posted by jonmc at 2:49 PM on March 4, 2006


But as I considered your response last night before I wrote mine, it occured to me that your skin coloration has no more direct relevance to the matter at, er, hand than does a white person's.

It is relevant to me for this reason: having a white guy condescendingly (and unnecessarily) lecture me on the physical characteristics of "Real Black People" felt incredibly shitty. I may be overreacting or you may not care, and that's fine. I'm just telling you how it affected me at the moment. For the last time: I have admitted on several occasions now that I made an overgeneralization. I did so not in complete ignorance of the fact that black skin pigmentation can vary -- hell, it varies on my own body -- but because, to be honest, I had a timer going off, I was in a rush, and I was writing carelessly. My second comment more accurately expresses what I was thinking. Sort of an Occam's Razor thing.

Anyway, I feel pretty silly arguing about wangs so I'm going to stop. Hope you have a good night.
posted by purplemonkie at 3:49 PM on March 4, 2006


"E.T. foam dong!"
posted by rob511 at 4:45 PM on March 4, 2006


Who's on Team Penis?
posted by iconomy at 3:49 PM EST on March 3

I'm not sure...do I have to have a penis or can I just be on a penis? And if the latter, do I have to be on the penis right this second? Because my husband is sleeping at the moment, but if necessary I'm sure he wouldn't mind me waking him up.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:47 PM on March 4, 2006


I don't think it can actually be his penis. Wouldn't he be wearing a jockstrap? I pity him if he doesn't, because all that running around has a great potential to cause pain down there after a while.
posted by oaf at 10:46 AM on March 5, 2006


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