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April 17, 2006 8:33 AM   Subscribe

In honor of Sports Eye Safety Month, the worst martial arts sequence ever filmed. Starring Don Niam as Stingray. (warning : fake eye truama)
posted by ozomatli (39 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
Wow. Cousin Larry is really buff.
posted by interrobang at 8:36 AM on April 17, 2006


I wonder if licking the blade poisons it?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:55 AM on April 17, 2006


At one point, by the stairs, I thought they were going to kiss.
But then the transvestite with the broken arm came and saved the day.
posted by chococat at 8:57 AM on April 17, 2006


In the summer of 1992, I volunteered to stand in on a paintball game for a friend who was out sick. I didn't play paintball, so I borrowed someone else's gear. We played all day and took a break for supper in the evening. After that, we went back to a buddy's house who had a large swamp out back. Everyone went to grab their gear from their cars, including myself. However, when I got there, I discovered my borrowed paintball gun in the front seat, while my paint-smeared duds were locked in the trunk, including goggles.

So, I did what every teenager does, which is to say "What could possibly happen?", grab the gun, and head out to play.

Five minutes later, I took a green paintball to the right eye from twenty feet in a sequence I like to think of not so different from the linked movie. :)

I'll spare you the green paint + blood + vitreous fluid details, but I'm blind in my right eye now.

Also, I'm forced to walk the earth and repeat this story whenever someone talks about eye injuries. [rattles chains]

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, kids. Now get the hell off my lawn!
posted by unixrat at 9:00 AM on April 17, 2006


That's a bad fight scene, to be sure.

But the eye-violence can't hold a candle to Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky. Which also has knitting-needle violence and Head-Smashed-In-Buffalo-Violence and hulking out violence.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:03 AM on April 17, 2006


Bob Saget! Who knew he wasso buff!

"Yeah ... See ya!"
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:04 AM on April 17, 2006


I don't care how mad you are at the transvestite, if s/he is over by an eye-level hook just after you lost one eye on a different eye-level hook, forget about hir. The other beefy dude's probably nearby. Go fight him instead!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:11 AM on April 17, 2006


Transvestite? That was Katherine Harris.

Before the boob job of course.
posted by eisbaer at 9:19 AM on April 17, 2006


Paintball is one of the safest of all sports ... as long as you wear the goggles religiously. I'm sorry you had to find that out the bad way, unixrat. :(
posted by Malor at 9:19 AM on April 17, 2006


i have nothing to say but yaah! yah! yewah yawah! yeaaaw! yaw!! yeeaw!
posted by lemonfridge at 9:20 AM on April 17, 2006


That looks and sounds like what would happen if Dr. Who ever did a martial arts storyline. (Of course, he might have and I just didn't know it.)
posted by bovious at 9:24 AM on April 17, 2006


Can I get a transcipt of that scene?

The transvestite in question is, of course, Cynthia Rothrock.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:26 AM on April 17, 2006


unixrat, I have a close runner up to your story but it involved BB Guns.

My best friend and I were bored so we thought we'd shoot at each other with BB guns across the yard, without any protection on at all.

Sure enough, he shot me in the ear and I was howling in agony and just stuck my gun up and fired. And......hit him right in the eye. Put him in the hospital for four days but he did recover.

And to this day I feel awful because I didn't believe him while he was rolling on the ground and shot him in the butt.

Malo, goggles AND throat protection. The second one I found out the hard way after getting five or six times IN ONE ROUND!
posted by fenriq at 9:27 AM on April 17, 2006


Things I have learned:

Transvestites can execute perfect somersaults, even with one arm in a sling.

Street Fighters like to grease up before putting on their clothes in the morning.
posted by horsewithnoname at 9:33 AM on April 17, 2006


Only street fighters do that? Crap.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:38 AM on April 17, 2006


There was a brilliant fight scene on mrtwig.net (the south park site) but the site has disappeared and I can't remember the name of the film it was from to search. All I remember is that it took place in an alley and involved one man forcing another to put his glasses on. I'm not joking.
posted by Acey at 9:40 AM on April 17, 2006


That would be They Live Acey.
posted by lemonfridge at 9:46 AM on April 17, 2006


Thanks, I found the video clip here. Enjoy.
posted by Acey at 9:51 AM on April 17, 2006


Damn... turns out it's not the full clip, just highlights.
posted by Acey at 9:53 AM on April 17, 2006


It looks like such a crummy film Acey, but its really really good. Just sayin'.
posted by lemonfridge at 9:54 AM on April 17, 2006


And to this day I feel awful because I didn't believe him while he was rolling on the ground and shot him in the butt.

Fucking awesome.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, kids.

And then it's just a game...
posted by odinsdream at 9:59 AM on April 17, 2006


If I remember correctly, the central fight scene from They Live (one of the last truly good John Carpenter movies, if not the last) clocks in at around 12 minutes.
posted by Prospero at 10:00 AM on April 17, 2006


[nerd voice] Actually, I believe the fight scene in They Live is 5 minutes and 20 seconds long. It only feels like 12 minutes. [/nerd voice]
posted by jefbla at 10:11 AM on April 17, 2006


The "They Live" fight scene was directly translated to South Park in the "Cripple Fight" episode (which is probably why it was on MrTwig.com.)
posted by Dr_Octavius at 10:16 AM on April 17, 2006


I feel it's important to point out that They Live starred Rowdy Roddy Piper. Yeah, the wrestler in the kilt.
posted by JeremyT at 10:19 AM on April 17, 2006


Also star of Hell Comes to Frogtown, which I always assumed was about the Frogtown neighborhood of St. Paul (which can be pretty Hellish), until I saw it, and realized its about a town full of violent bipedal amphibians.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:39 AM on April 17, 2006


lemonfridge: I'm actually very keen on getting hold of a copy of They Live. Sounds cool.
posted by Acey at 10:42 AM on April 17, 2006


Being blind in my right eye also, but before I ever chose to try paintball, I took the lectures about eye protection pretty seriously..especially the part where the range-safety guy described in precise clinical detail how an eyeball can explode in response to the trauma of a .68-cal. paint pellet striking it.
posted by pax digita at 10:53 AM on April 17, 2006


I am not sure what's worse.

That clip, that I've seen the movie it is from - or that I watched the clip twice. Once for badness and once because the martial artist voice in my head went "Hey. I can do at least three of those kicks..."
posted by FritoKAL at 10:59 AM on April 17, 2006


I used to have a copy of the They Live fight scene on VHS. I thought I was alone in my enthusiasm for/fascination with it.
posted by dontoine at 11:06 AM on April 17, 2006


worst martial arts sequence ever filmed

I read that and thought, "hyperbole," but yeah, this may just be the worst ever.

The only thing that redeems it (aside from its sheer unabashed awfulness) is the excellent ending.
posted by brain_drain at 11:12 AM on April 17, 2006


JeremyT:

Thanks for the Rowdy Roddy Piper Link! It fulfills my cultural understanding of this song.

One of my favs.
posted by Rawhide at 12:06 PM on April 17, 2006


They Live is classic. (bittorrent) Leave it to John Carpenter to make a movie about Republicans as alien invaders. Seriously, the underlying idea - that the aliens are seedy businessmen - is very original.

As for the eye injury, Cecil Adams devoted a Straight Dope to answering, "Can the human eyeball be knocked out of the head?" Which makes for a good read.
posted by wfrgms at 12:38 PM on April 17, 2006


I bought They Live on DVD the minute I saw it. Now I'm waiting for Cemetery Man.
posted by linux at 1:03 PM on April 17, 2006


.. which is in June this year, along with Brisco. Hot diggity!
posted by linux at 1:03 PM on April 17, 2006


Yup, I'm all about They Live. Never liked the ending too much though. I did enjoy that quote being in Duke Nukem. And yes, Story of Ricky is much better (worse).
posted by puke & cry at 4:10 PM on April 17, 2006 [1 favorite]


wfrgms: Thanks for the torrent!

...On a related note, what would be the best Chuck Norris movie/tv show for kick ass action? Or for that matter any extreme kick ass movie? Unintended hilarity is a requirement.
posted by Acey at 4:36 PM on April 17, 2006


How about Commando?
posted by puke & cry at 4:56 PM on April 17, 2006 [1 favorite]


Conform. Obey. Reproduce.
posted by surlycat at 3:07 AM on April 19, 2006


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