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July 24, 2006 7:58 AM   Subscribe

"Where's my pitbull?" In which our 'hero', Carl Monday, CLEVELAND'S INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER, attends the sentencing of Mike Cooper, an "unemployed porn site user", caught pleasuring himself at a local library. (Metafilter passim; via Deadspin's full coverage of Carl Monday.)
posted by docgonzo (67 comments total)

 
Is this the judge that uses the pump?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:12 AM on July 24, 2006


I hate Carl Monday.

There, I said it, and now I feel better.
posted by Outlawyr at 8:12 AM on July 24, 2006


The reporter should be more ashamed than the guy caught wanking in the library.
posted by fire&wings at 8:15 AM on July 24, 2006


From Wikipedia, 11:25 AM EST, July 24, 2006:

Monday is a graduate of Kent State University and is known for his faggy little mustache.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:19 AM on July 24, 2006


this is the best of the web?
Carl Monday deserves to be held down and have his moustache shaved. Why is this on TV? Mete out his punishment, let him get on with his life.

and I'm not condoning public masturbation, but goddam I can think of greater evils that reside within Ohio's borders. What Blackwell/Diebold did to the fair people of Ohio in the last election is much more offensive, and affects vastly greater numbers of people.

I suppose it'd take more effort than sticking a spy camera on a computer terminal and waiting, though. Where's the profit in that? We've got sex here! Having sex! (not my definition of it, but Carl Monday, seems to have bought that line from his sig. other).
posted by Busithoth at 8:21 AM on July 24, 2006


These guys have been on this rampage to embarass public masturbators at the library but also, more importantly, to make people aware of the scourge that is the Internet and the ability of people to access the Internet without being subject to aggressive filtering. This news channel and this guy in particular are on a campaign to make sure that people know the the library and their policies are a hotbed of depravity.

A note about Ohio libraries: half the libraries in Ohio (but 80% of the computers) filter access to the Internet. This library doesn't. If you've been following the story, you'll see where they interviewed librarians most of whom were like "Yeah we have a policy. Masturbating in the library is against the rules but people should be free to look at what they want online unless it's bothering other people."

Dragging all of this out in the open is an effort to get people to put pressure on the libraries to change their policies [and sort of to shame the masturbators but if you had any shame about this sort of thing you wouldn't be JERKING OFF IN A LIBRARY]. This then confuses the issue of pedophiles which is the same as the Al Queda/Iraq confusion. People want you to think that pedophiles and these sort of dork masturbators are the same people and thus legislating Internet access out of existence is really keeping the world safe for children.

It pisses me off. Most people accessing the Internet look at stuff that doesn't bug anyone, but you get one person caught on film touching himself [not other people, not kids] and suddenly it's like the public library has never done anything else but assist criminals and warp young minds.
posted by jessamyn at 8:30 AM on July 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry, what does this have to do with pit bulls?
posted by dobbs at 8:36 AM on July 24, 2006


and if only he did it here in the UK, he'd be a TV star.
posted by johnny novak at 8:44 AM on July 24, 2006


Goddamn, I just came here to post that. I love how Carl Monday makes himself look like the world's biggest ass - again!

FREE MIKE COOPER!
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:44 AM on July 24, 2006


I do not think passim means what you think it means. Once or twice does not equal "Throughout or frequently."
posted by languagehat at 8:45 AM on July 24, 2006


I never noticed this the first time, but the wanker guy's either ambidextrous or has some mad masturbatory skillz; he's effortlessly scrolling through that smut like a madman WHILE smoothly doing the deed with ol' lefty.

I'd doff my hat to him, but I'm not wearing a hat... and my hands are currently occupied.

In a related story, Carl Monday is a hack whose pathetic self-righteous schtick is a thousand more times masturbatory and harmful than anything the wanker guy has done.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:47 AM on July 24, 2006


I'm moving back to Vancouver in a month after living in Europe for five years.

Can someone from Canada please re-assure me that Vancouver's beautiful 100 million dollar library is still relatively free of a) armed guards b) people completely lacking in self-respect & respect for others and c) fucking vigilante reporters?

Please...

* happy to be paying higher taxes in exchange for having a society worth living in *
posted by lastobelus at 8:48 AM on July 24, 2006


i don't like mondays ... i don't like mondays ...
posted by pyramid termite at 8:49 AM on July 24, 2006


That guy sounds like a real jackass. They have them in every city.

I'm talking about Carl Monday, not the wanker guy.
posted by wfc123 at 8:51 AM on July 24, 2006


Free Willy!
posted by Goofyy at 8:55 AM on July 24, 2006


The original report ("unemployed porn site user" link) seems like an attack on libraries, seeking to make them appear, as jessamyn says, hotbeds of depravity and well as wastes of good tax money. Most people I know rarely or never set foot in a library, might be slightly tempted to go when you tell them there are free movies available there, but consider the places boring, uptight and uncool, like books.

Libraries are full of the lonely, isolated and eccentric regulars. There's one guy in my library, late middle-aged guy who looks like a Mediterrean, maybe Greek, immigrant, a neatly dressed man, who day after day, after scattering a few loose rose petals around his station and getting out a few bottles of perfume and cologne, sits at a third-floor listening station tapping his foot to the music of some singer with long dark hair, browsing through his stack of Bride magazines and coffee table books about roses and butterflies. I don't know if he's missing someone who got away or whom he left behind in the old country or if he just really likes roses and butterflies. I have no reason to believe that his ritual is ever accompanied by masturbation.

Mike Cooper's parents are amusing, in that Castanza way.
posted by TimTypeZed at 9:01 AM on July 24, 2006 [3 favorites]


Ultimately, isn't everything just leading up to masturbation?
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:11 AM on July 24, 2006


TimTypeZed, sounds like a sequel!
posted by NationalKato at 9:11 AM on July 24, 2006


The librarian association has filed suits against the filtering requirements, along with the ACLU. See, e.g. http://www.aclu.org/privacy/speech/15595prs20020531.html.

Excerpt: Based on nine days of testimony from librarians, patrons, web publishers and experts, the court supported its ruling with over 100 pages of detailed findings of fact, which established that "at least tens of thousands" of web pages are wrongly blocked by the programs.

I heart librarians.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:28 AM on July 24, 2006


Man, that Carl Monday is just terrorizing that kid and his family. His dad rules though, they should give him a show.
posted by mathowie at 9:31 AM on July 24, 2006


I just hope the video makes it to youtube when someone who this dipshit is harassing beats the living hell out of him.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs at 9:47 AM on July 24, 2006


The dad reminded me of Nick Nolte.
posted by fire&wings at 9:49 AM on July 24, 2006


I'm surprised at the restraint the dad and the kid showed. I know it is all on tape and in front of a courthouse, but I would have shown Carl Monday what else I can do with my hands clenched. Journalism at its worst. This is worse than when our local station posed as 15 year old boys coming onto older men in chat rooms. Because you know, when teenagers ask for beer and sex in an IRC chat room they have no idea what they're getting themselves into. Is there some sort of breaking point of local investigative journalists, where they realize their career isn't advancing past a mid-market station and they say "Fuck it" and just go after crazy shit like this?
posted by geoff. at 9:53 AM on July 24, 2006


Get this poor guy a girlfriend or start a War on Mouseturbation.
posted by homodigitalis at 9:54 AM on July 24, 2006


Carl Monday sorta resembles Chapelle in whiteface, dontcha think?
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:58 AM on July 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


I first met Pepe when he was seven. A new immigrant to America, Pepe had heard much about the Land of the Free from his father who had been working in a Cleveland-area body shop for two years before securing legal status for his family.

"Papa told me you can be anything you want in America!" exclaimed Pepe, his eyes bright with excitement, "A doctor, a lawyer, even a great man who follows people who pleasure themselves around with a microphone."

Intrigued, I asked Pepe about this last job.

"Papa send me many videos of Senior Monday. It is from these I learn my English! Watch!" He thrust a pencil in my face, holding it like it was a microphone. "Have you stopped performing sexual acts in lie-berries?" I told him it was very good and he beamed. "But you have not answered my question, pervert!"

This was the first sign of what Pepe would become. Perhaps it was the difficulty adjusting to a new way of life, Cleveland is a harsh place for a small, slightly effeminate boy to grow up, but as time passed Pepe become more and more obsessed with emulating Carl Monday.

"I saw lady put 12 items in 10 items or less lane. I follow her to ask her why she do it and why she hurts children. She not answer. I follow her to her house and break in. I ask her more questions. There was much yelling. I am very sorry to lady, but she should not put two extra items in 10 item or less lane and hurt children by doing that." read Pepe's court mandated confession to a guilty plea offered up to avoid time in a juvenile detention facility for breaking and entering. Pepe was eleven by then and no stranger to the law.

"I know the police just do their jobs. I am helping them!" shouted Pepe as he was being lead to a police car after the twelve-year old attempted to climb the gate to a public pool after hours. "I know people make Number One in pool! You swimming in filth! I save community! I save children!" By now, Pepe had managed to recruit his younger brother Jose, then nine, to asist him in his 'undercover investigations' by filming them with the family's video camera.

Seen on YouTube, these short five to ten minute videos became very popular. Each video followed a pretty set routine of Pepe finding someone breaking a law (eating a grape at the grocery store, selling him and his brother tickets to an R-rated movie), following the perpetrator, confronting them, and usually being carried away by police after attempting to break into their homes. At least nine different videos circulated on the internet featuring Pepe wearing a small fake moustache and calling himself 'Carlito Monday'. Carl Monday, Pepe's idol, even featured him on a special segment called 'Carl on Carl: Action!' "It was the best day of my life," said Pepe.

Once Jose was old enough to notice girls, he soon left Pepe alone to complete his investigations solo. Pepe, by then sixteen and a late bloomer, continued on undeterred. In an attempt to recapture that initial magic that had enthralled him years ago, Pepe began hiding video cameras in Cleveland-area libraries hoping to catch more serial masturbates. A search of Pepe's belongings at the time of his final arrest revealed that he uncovered at least two men pleasuring themselves, a Mr. Hal Kington and much to Pepe's delight, an older, bearded Mike Cooper.

Seeing Mike Cooper triggered something in Pepe. He watched the video of Cooper touching himself to the website "Backdoor Barnyard" over and over again. Before long, Pepe found himself pleasuring himself to that video. This first experience of what has popularly become known as "Carlmondaisis," a condition where the sufferer gets off watching other people getting off in public areas then following them around for days, was an epiphany. Pepe began to follow Cooper whenever he left the house, small camera in hand, in hopes of catching Cooper pleasuring himself in public.

It was on that dark day in June that Pepe finally got his wish. Trailing Cooper into a local library, Pepe placed a small webcam on a bookshelf behind the public computer terminals. He then sat down at a different terminal to watch Cooper 'perform'. Little did he know that his idol, Carl Monday, was watching as well via a small camera placed behind Pepe on a bookshelf.

When Monday showed Pepe the video of the young man touching himself in the library, it was just too much for him. At first, Pepe thought that Monday had caught Cooper on camera again, but when Monday began to hound Pepe, he realized that it was him on that tape. Pepe's world came crashing down around him as his idol interrogated him, called him names, and followed him to the parking lot.

What followed is a scene that we have all seen many, many times. Monday, sticking his microphone in Pepe's face. Pepe's look of shock and horror. Then the tears. Then Pepe grabs Monday's microphone and jams it into the reporter's eye. Monday's cameraman drops the camera to get help, but the camera keeps filming. The shot is crooked and poorly framed, Pepe standing like a giant over the bleeding Monday as he lowers his pants, sobs, and begins to pleasure himself over the body, muttering "I'm Carl Monday. I'm Carl Monday" until long after his semen is exhausted and the police arrive to take him away.

It was the distant, glassy look in Pepe's eyes that finally made me retire from social work. To think that I missed what lurked beneath the surface for all those years and that maybe, just maybe I could have saved Pepe from what he became... It still keeps me up at night.

Well, except for the murder of Carl Monday. That guy was a douchebag.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:58 AM on July 24, 2006 [20 favorites]


Wow, the Jerry Springer of broadcast news...
posted by Stauf at 10:05 AM on July 24, 2006


Carl Monday sorta resembles Chapelle in whiteface, dontcha think?
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:58 AM PST on July 24 [+fave] [!]


Holy shit, you're right.
posted by Stauf at 10:12 AM on July 24, 2006


What sickens me about this is that it's yet another form of economic discrimination. Monday (and the corporate interests behind him) perscute this poor Joe average, who presumably cannot afford a PC and broadband. Meanwhile, the white collar wankers are sitting at home, bent double, fists flying, secure in the knowledge that Cleveland's own Bernstein will never trouble them.
posted by rhymer at 10:23 AM on July 24, 2006


"unemployed porn site user"

You mean I can GET PAID for this??!
posted by Kickstart70 at 10:34 AM on July 24, 2006


What sickens me about this is that it's yet another form of economic discrimination. Monday (and the corporate interests behind him) perscute this poor Joe average, who presumably cannot afford a PC and broadband.

Please. Not being able to afford a PC and broadband(!) does not justify beating off in a public library. Don't get me wrong, Carl Monday is the true villan in this story, and I'd sooner shake Mike Cooper's hand than Monday's (even post-wank). But let's not go overboard to portray Cooper as a victim of "economic discrimination" ("Poor Mikey! He'd prefer to jack off at home, but he can't because he doesn't have broadband! So he has no choice but to whip it out in the library!") Sorry, I'm not buying.

Monday's a douche for humiliating this guy far beyond the offense, but that doesn't make Cooper a saint.
posted by pardonyou? at 10:51 AM on July 24, 2006


Can someone from Canada please re-assure me that Vancouver's beautiful 100 million dollar library is still relatively free of a) armed guards b) people completely lacking in self-respect & respect for others and c) fucking vigilante reporters?

Consider yourself reassured.
posted by jokeefe at 10:53 AM on July 24, 2006


Sorry if this is OT, but the 2nd paragraph of jessamyn's comment reminded me of something I read during the library/CIPA testimony (and ClaudiaCenter's link has more info about the case).

I was struck Candace Morgan's matter-of-factness.

Librarian Candace Morgan, the first witness for the plaintiffs, didn't flinch when government attorney Timothy Zick placed an open binder of Web porn photos in front of her.

"Is it your testimony that I have the right to look at these Web sites?" Zick asked.

"Yes, it is," replied Morgan, the associate director of the Fort Vancouver, Wash., regional library.

posted by peep at 10:56 AM on July 24, 2006


What sickens me about this is that it's yet another form of economic discrimination. Monday (and the corporate interests behind him) perscute this poor Joe average, who presumably cannot afford a PC and broadband.

Excuse me, but I found an alarming amount of porn on a backup CD I made in the days before broadband. Where there's a will, etc.
posted by Busithoth at 11:01 AM on July 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


The library wanker should not have been doing that in a library to be sure, but the absolutely invasive harassment that guy went through at the hands of so-called 'journalists' is a crock of bull.
His parents were perfectly justified in assaulting those pea-brains with the cameras. It's a shame they didn't destroy their video equipment outright.
American journalism: Making the bad guy look good yet again with their invasive, holier-than-thou 'investigative' methodology.
posted by mk1gti at 11:11 AM on July 24, 2006


"Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They *control* information. Don't *ever* piss one off."
posted by baylink at 11:19 AM on July 24, 2006


What sickens me about this is that it's yet another form of economic discrimination. Monday (and the corporate interests behind him) perscute this poor Joe average, who presumably cannot afford a PC and broadband.

Are you making a joke? This guy was jerking off in a public library and you're defending him as a victim of economic discrimination? Only on MetaFilter, I guess.
posted by xmutex at 11:20 AM on July 24, 2006


Wow... I think I'm in love with Jessamyn.
posted by Dunwitty at 11:31 AM on July 24, 2006


Are you making a joke? This guy was jerking off in a public library and you're defending him as a victim of economic discrimination? Only on MetaFilter, I guess.

I don't think anyone is trying to say that poor people get to jerk off in a library because they don't have comptuers at home, just that laws that affect what goes on in "the public sphere" adversely affect the poor because they have to do more of their living in that sphere. So, in a library context, this means things like library fines (poor people are less able to buy books), video "rental" fees (poor people are less able to rent elsewhere), rules about acceptable bathroom usage (poor people are less likely to have facilities available to them) and filtering (poor people are less likely to be able to access the Internet elsewhere).

There are, of course, lines to be drawn like "no masturbating" and "no sponge baths in the public bathroom" but it's worth being mindful of the fact that public facilities are for everyone. I give talks a lot about the Digital Divide all over the country and one of the points I make frequently to librarians is that if they have crazy byzantine computer policies, filters, outdated software or impossible to use default set-ups, that winds up having a larger effect on the poor because those are their only computers in many cases. They use them to apply for jobs, keep up with family, buy and sell stuff, apply for unemployment and, as we tragically saw last year, apply for federal grant money when hurricanes wipe out their houses. If your library computer is impossible to use, people with no other experience walk away from it thinking "computers are hard" and that's a shame.

As computers become a more and more necessary part of being an American, as the government makes you use a computer to do more and more of your interaction with them, the ways in which the poor and the information poor can access the internet becomes a class issue as well as a keeping the peace issue. These handwringers and hypermorality police are doing the poor a disservice, whether or not other people's bad behavior is having a similar effect which i think is also true.
posted by jessamyn at 11:44 AM on July 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


Wow... I think I'm in love with Jessamyn.

Just keep both hands on the keyboard or Carl Monday will be on your ass.
posted by pracowity at 12:09 PM on July 24, 2006


The audio rapidly cut in an out while I was playing it. Is there a different non Youtube link to this video?
posted by sharksandwich at 12:11 PM on July 24, 2006


I don't think anyone is trying to say that poor people get to jerk off in a library because they don't have comptuers at home

Well, in fairness, that seems to be exactly what rhymer was suggesting. He said that it was "discriminatory" that this guy gets persecuted while a rich person can jerk off to porn at home. I agree that libraries should be a protected haven for the economically disadvantaged to spend time and better themselves. But there are still basic standards of appropriate behavior in public places, and it's not "discriminatory" to enforce them.
posted by pardonyou? at 12:24 PM on July 24, 2006


The least they can do is watch some porn and then go jerk off in the library bathroom, in a stall next to the homeless masturbator.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:29 PM on July 24, 2006


Carl Monday will be on your ass

Will that happen in the library too?
posted by Saucy Intruder at 12:34 PM on July 24, 2006


People viewing porn at the library, especially those whacking off in the children's section, have no greater understanding or respect for the old civic values that inspired our network of public libraries than do Action News reporters living in gated communities who want their government providing nothing but sports stadiums and eighteen lane freeways between their house and wherever they need to go. So there's no need to build a Mike Cooper section for all the economically disadvantaged wankers in his honour. I was disappointed when I first noticed the used needle receptacles in the bathroom of my central library, but I suppose that there are many compromises that need to be made by a public institution that attempts to be welcoming to anybody and everybody (as long as you don't fall asleep on their furniture). Mike and his family could probably afford a computer and access at home, but he went to the library because he couldn't get any peace at home with Mike Sr. yelling at the Price Is Right contestants for bidding too high during the Showcase Showdown.
posted by TimTypeZed at 12:47 PM on July 24, 2006


Can someone get YTMND working on this?
posted by Krrrlson at 12:55 PM on July 24, 2006


There are, of course, lines to be drawn like "no masturbating"

Are we gonna have to start printing up signs? I can see it now

NO SMOKING, FOOD, DRINK, OR MASTURBATING, PLEASE.
posted by jonmc at 1:40 PM on July 24, 2006


Saucy Intruder: "Will that happen in the library too?" Yes, and you don't want to know the details.

In the public library I knew well we had trouble with more than one "flasher/masturbator" and none of them used the computers.

Men frequent many libraries because of the easy access to victims. Too many parents drop off young children thinking they'll be safe in the library. Librarians are not baby sitters. They can't watch your kids as well as you do and the guys know it.

Yes, I know Cooper seemed to not require an audience, but a lot of the guys do. The one I found had been arrested many times...each time a little closer to his victim. That time the girl involved had the strength enough to quietly alert us and I was able to see him and follow him well enough to testify at his trial (a year later by the way) and he ended up in jail.

From what I've read many of these men are compulsive and jail time does them no good. If that's true they need to be caught and helped, not jailed.

Monday's type of reporting is geared to make ratings. As was said, this is simply an effort to convince parents filtering is needed. Why not do an undercover report on all the parents who drop off kids at the library?

"Tuesday on the Monday report, parents who abandon their children to dangerous perverts. Libraries: Dens of Iniquity"
posted by ?! at 1:54 PM on July 24, 2006


Monday's a douche for humiliating this guy far beyond the offense, but that doesn't make Cooper a saint.


He is compared to Carl Monday, that guy is right out of central casting for "evil hypocritical meglomanical reporter", cheesy mustache and everything. I bet he goes home and tortures small animals.
posted by Skygazer at 2:02 PM on July 24, 2006


pardonyou?: Well, in fairness, that seems to be exactly what rhymer was suggesting. He said that it was "discriminatory" that this guy gets persecuted while a rich person can jerk off to porn at home.

Well, isn't it? "Discrimination," just means that regardless of intent laws some demographic groups are disproportionately affected by a law. It does not mean that the intent of the law (preventing lewd behavior in public) is bad.

But I think Jessamyn nailed it. The process usually goes like this:
1: Identify a case of bad behavior associated with a public service.
2: Publicize that case far in excess of its frequency and impact compared to benefits of the public service.
3: Force city councils and advisory boards to restrict access to that public service.
4: ????
5: Profit!
posted by KirkJobSluder at 3:11 PM on July 24, 2006


What a douchebag that reporter is.

Carl Monday is one of the limpest stage names I've ever heard and that dorky little mustache thing has gotta be a joke.
posted by fenriq at 3:18 PM on July 24, 2006


Not that this applies to our "library jerk", but from what I've read, flashers are usually working their nerve up to becoming rapists. Studies I have read (can't supply a source) argue that flashers typically are thought of as silly, sad, or both. Rarely do people recognize that this is often the first step towards something much worse.
posted by neek at 4:00 PM on July 24, 2006


30 days in jail, held in abeyance during one year of probation. Not required to register as a sex offender. Sure the reporter is a scumbag, but in my book the punishment here fits the crime. Mr. Stroke-boy should be happy that things didn't go worse for him.
posted by Crotalus at 4:23 PM on July 24, 2006


There are, of course, lines to be drawn like "no masturbating"

posted by jonmc: Are we gonna have to start printing up signs? I can see it now

NO SMOKING, FOOD, DRINK, OR MASTURBATING, PLEASE.


Yep, I'm doing the signs for a new library, and here's one of the informational graphics we'll be installing.


posted by fandango_matt at 5:06 PM on July 24, 2006 [6 favorites]


All Florida mefites are hereby ordered to turn up at the Dunedin Blue Jays' August 7th tilt versus St. Lucie for "Carl 'Mustache' Monday" night:

"All fans named "Carl" or any form of "Carl" (including "Karl, Carla, Carlo, Carlos, etc) or fans that have any part of their name that happens to also be a day of the week (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc), will receive a general admission ticket for just $3. Also, if a fan has a mustache they will receive a $3 general admission ticket as well. If a fan fits all three descriptions, they will recieve a general admission ticket for free. Also, three lucky fans will receive an autographed baseball by second baseman Carlo Cota. Sponsored by Deadspin"
posted by docgonzo at 5:51 PM on July 24, 2006


Hey Fandango_M, The stick guy in the "Internet Access" panel is pretty frickin' hilarious.
posted by Skygazer at 6:26 PM on July 24, 2006


Hey Jessamyn -- the library where Carl "Get Away From Me, Carl Monday!" Monday 'caught' the guy was my library growing up! It's about 15 minutes from my current home, and it's where my parents still get all their books. While a college town, it's not exactly superliberal, so I have to say I'm pretty damn proud of the librarians there sticking up for the right to surf sans filter...
posted by bitter-girl.com at 6:54 PM on July 24, 2006


Are we gonna have to start printing up signs? I can see it now

NO SMOKING, FOOD, DRINK, OR MASTURBATING, PLEASE.


Welllll . . . if memory serves, each branch of the Queens Public Library has a sign stating "Patrons are expected to maintain a reasonable standard of hygeine. This includes no offensive body odor or infested personal belongings that might disturb or offend other patrons." I laughed my ass off when I first saw that sign but then I realized "Oh, they do have to spell this shit out, don't they?" They actually have to tell people to wash their asses before paying a visit to the library. Unbelievable.

Also prohibited: fighting, gambling, weapons, following someone around the library, obscene language, exposing yourself, threatening other patrons with physical harm. . . etc. It's an elaborately detailed policy, spelling out every possible thing that everyone with a minimal amount of home training just knows not to do in public.

There's also a policy -- actually germane to this discussion --banning Internet users from accessing obscene or violent images. The policy notes that the library needs to strike a balance between the rights of users to access information and the need to respect the sensibilities of people who might find certain images offensive. No finger-wagging, no moralizing there. It struck me as very reasonable.

So why do we have to put up signs spelling out in detail how people have to act in public facilities? Should QPL expand its list to say "Do not expectorate on the floor?" "Do not fondle female strangers?" "Do not put on a banana suit and set yourself on fire?"
posted by jason's_planet at 7:17 PM on July 24, 2006


From Carl Monday's blog:

"And hey...to the guy now hawking tee-shirts on the internet($12.99 if you're interested) with my picture on it and a crude reference to the above mentioned story....I hope the shirts shrink in the wash!!"
posted by Sidthecat at 7:35 PM on July 24, 2006


Hey, the right to burn a banana suit whilst inside it is the right of every God-fearing* American.

* As they should; what kind of benevolent god would accept these people into Heaven?
posted by Stauf at 9:05 PM on July 24, 2006


pardonyou?, etc. Rhymer was making a joke. He thought it was pretty obvious from phrases like "white collar wankers" and use of language which was intended to parody the popular conception that the real criminals in any society are a monied wealthy elite.

Furthermore, he would like to state that he holds no brief for those who enjoy "lovemaking making for one" in taxpayer funded buildings. Nor is he affiliated with any pro-masturbation organisations.
posted by rhymer at 12:29 AM on July 25, 2006


I just have one more thing to say. "Come together @ your library" has been named the official theme of National Library Week 2007. Who wants to work on a grant proposal with me?
posted by jessamyn at 4:35 AM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]


jessamyn, that is hilarious. I think Mike Cooper and Carl Monday should be on the poster.

rhymer, I'm sorry I missed the joke. And don't knock pro-masturbation organi(z)ations -- I'd gladly associate with one, as long as it didn't condone people who splooge on the underside of library tables.
posted by pardonyou? at 6:18 AM on July 25, 2006


Pardonyou? - Sorry, I didn't mean to bang off on about it. Yuk yuk yuk.
posted by rhymer at 7:27 AM on July 25, 2006


I whipped out^H^H^H up a few posters.
posted by jessamyn at 11:32 AM on July 25, 2006


Wow. Carl Monday can't get over this one, can he?

He begins: "For nearly two months now, Michael Cooper has been trying to rebuild his life..."

And what do you think is stopping him? Could it be an arsehole chasing him around with a camera and harrassing him on the evening news?

If I was Cleveland, I'd be looking for a new investigative reporter.
posted by robcorr at 12:28 AM on July 26, 2006


Just linkin', is all.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:35 AM on July 26, 2006


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