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Scientology nearly ready to unveil Super Power
August 29, 2006 5:31 AM   Subscribe

Scientology nearly ready to unveil "super power."
posted by tranquileye (95 comments total)

 
"Now that I've paid money for attention-lessons, I notice everything more. Fantastic!"
posted by jon_kill at 5:39 AM on August 29, 2006


The only one of these 57 new varieties senses I can say I have with any degree of accuracy is "Awareness of not knowing".
posted by Jofus at 5:45 AM on August 29, 2006


Super Power uses machines, apparatus and specially designed rooms to exercise and enhance a person's so-called perceptics. Those machines include an antigravity simulator and a gyroscope-like apparatus that spins a person around while blindfolded to improve perception of compass direction

gymnetics!
posted by matteo at 5:48 AM on August 29, 2006



posted by elpapacito at 5:48 AM on August 29, 2006


It's about time the world had another super power again besides the United States.
posted by azina at 5:50 AM on August 29, 2006


I had sex with a scientologist once. It was hot.
posted by Paris Hilton at 5:51 AM on August 29, 2006


"Just on the internet," is all he will say. MetaFilter is that secret.
posted by OmieWise at 5:59 AM on August 29, 2006


So, it's a slow news day in old St. Pete?
posted by doctor_negative at 6:02 AM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]


Too bad the powers don't include rat-smelling. A fool and his money...
posted by Benny Andajetz at 6:07 AM on August 29, 2006


Church officials won't discuss specifics of Super Power. But Feshbach and another prominent Clearwater Scientologist who, like Feshbach, is a major donor to Super Power's building fund, provided some details in interviews with the St. Petersburg Times

My sense that perceives bullshit is tingling like crazy.
posted by pardonyou? at 6:08 AM on August 29, 2006



posted by QuestionableSwami at 6:12 AM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]


Scientology's 57 senses...

Perhaps Hitler was right: Maybe a free press isn't such a swell idea after all.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:14 AM on August 29, 2006


"Scientologist Ron Pollack, who donated $5-million to the Super Power fund after making millions in hedge funds in the 1990s, said he got a sneak peek. The head of fundraising for the project showed him a photo of "some high-tech thing" developed by engineers in Southern California that offers different aromas on demand. It's for a drill to enhance one's sense of smell, he said."

First rule of religious scam: when you show someone a photo of a supposed high-tech machine say at least it allows people to see girls naked.
posted by darkripper at 6:14 AM on August 29, 2006


I can't believe Feshbach is the main donor. The guy made his career sniffing out scams. He's one of the guys profiled in the book on short-selling.
posted by JPD at 6:18 AM on August 29, 2006


My amazing super power has detected shennanigans.

Then again, since even a poodle with a severe cranial injury can detect the funk of dense bullsmack roiling off anything Scientology touches, this is not necessary a very impressive feat on my part.
posted by CheeseburgerBrown at 6:18 AM on August 29, 2006


Brought to you by the only religion in the world that charges a fee for confession.
posted by A189Nut at 6:19 AM on August 29, 2006


QuestionableSwami, how eponysterical of you.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:20 AM on August 29, 2006


I am so getting a Scientologist on this week's show!















Watership Down, bitch.
posted by parmanparman at 6:27 AM on August 29, 2006


One setback occurred when the church checked back on the staffers who had been through Super Power. It turned out, Hines said, many had left the church - hardly the expected outcome.
posted by mediareport at 6:28 AM on August 29, 2006


They're probably just using The Doc Savage Method Of Self-Development.

(And I just noticed that this guy made the same leap. Crap.)
posted by beaucoupkevin at 6:28 AM on August 29, 2006 [2 favorites]


What are "Timen Sight" and "Tasten Colorn Depth" supposed to be again? Cause I have a feeling I might already be pretty good at them. Just call it a hunch. Or... my 58th perceptic!
posted by pracowity at 6:37 AM on August 29, 2006



Supersensitizing oneself to 57 "perceptics"? Hmmmm... You don't by any chance think it has anything to do with eating certain top-secret nutrients, do you?





Naw. Must just be a coincidence...

posted by mondo dentro at 6:41 AM on August 29, 2006


We can only hope that they will use their Super Powers for Good, not Evil.

Will it make you like Neo in the Matrix?
posted by Balisong at 6:42 AM on August 29, 2006


Oooh, it allows you to have "awareness of importance, unimportance."

The importance of knowing how to fleece the gullible and easily influenced will no doubt be included
posted by TheDonF at 6:44 AM on August 29, 2006


Here is one of my crazy beliefs: Scientology is not all crazy. I think it has some things that can help people. Or could help people if there weren't so many harmful and deceptive elements surrounding them. For example the auditing, while unscientific, seems like it might have something to it.
posted by I Foody at 6:45 AM on August 29, 2006


*Kicks chairs around in frustration at puny senses*

"Darn it! I'm sick and tired of being a preclear! L. Ron Hubbard says he can give me real senses. All right--I'll gamble fifty thousand dollars and get his free class!"

*Six months later--flexes in mirror*

"Wow--I can see my own atoms! I'll be the Thetan of the beach!"
posted by Iridic at 6:45 AM on August 29, 2006 [5 favorites]


Damn, beat me to it, mondo. (only I didn't have a graphic on hand)
posted by notsnot at 6:45 AM on August 29, 2006


Balisong : "Will it make you like Neo in the Matrix?"

No, it just makes one more perceptive and aware of what's happening. So it's like in the Matrix, where time seems to slow down, but unfortunately so does your body, so you can just see that unescapable flying kick coming at your head in slow motion, and feel the pain more acutely.
posted by Bugbread at 6:47 AM on August 29, 2006


Scientologists have Real Ultimate Power.
posted by Pastabagel at 6:48 AM on August 29, 2006


I don't need a super power to know this is super bullshit.

I would like to know what the sense "Perception of computation (past and present)" comprises. Do you get a tingly feeling in old algebra classrooms or something?
posted by mkultra at 6:52 AM on August 29, 2006


Matt Feshbach believes he has super powers. He senses danger faster than most people. He appreciates beauty more deeply than he used to.

That's what happens when you take LSD. You don't have to be a "main donor" to anything to enjoy the experience...
posted by clevershark at 6:54 AM on August 29, 2006


Here is one of my crazy beliefs: Scientology is not all crazy.

In a way, that's the problem. It's all about the truth buried within the larger lie.

Current research in neuroscience suggests that brain plasticity is much greater than previously thought, thus pointing to the possibility of perceptual training. That is not really in doubt.

The problem is that something which is just true for everyone is being turned into an esoteric practice available only to those who pay through the nose, and is being hyped as a "superpower" rather than what, at best, it is--namely enhanced performance from proper training.
posted by mondo dentro at 6:55 AM on August 29, 2006


I think I got an email about this. Do they also claim to increase my ejaculate by 500%?
posted by sciurus at 6:57 AM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]



What I want to know is why anyone would want to feel their own pain and hunger more acutely.
posted by Maias at 6:57 AM on August 29, 2006


JPD writes "I can't believe Feshbach is the main donor. The guy made his career sniffing out scams."

As stated in The Peter Principle, people are usually very good at something and climb the career rungs of that profession until they reach their incompetence level. Then they're stuck where they are pretty much forever. That might explain why, after a career of scam-busting, this man ended up falling for a scam himself.
posted by clevershark at 6:58 AM on August 29, 2006


sciurus writes "Do they also claim to increase my ejaculate by 500%?"

Yes! They can also help you grow bigger breasts, refinance your home, and put you in touch with a nice man in Nigeria who has millions of dollars he can't get rid of.
posted by clevershark at 6:59 AM on August 29, 2006


Here is one of my crazy beliefs: Scientology is not all crazy. I think it has some things that can help people. Or could help people if there weren't so many harmful and deceptive elements surrounding them. For example the auditing, while unscientific, seems like it might have something to it.

Sure, in exactly the same way talking through your problems with a therapist, or a psychiatrist, or your schnauzer helps. Bringing unresolved issues to your consciousness through talking about them is one of the oldest of techniques, and of course it works.

The thing with Scientology, though, is that they keep a file of everything you say. It has been repeatedly claimed that they use those files for later blackmail against those who are so unwise as to stop participating. Look up Operation Clambake if you want a better picture of what these people do and what they're about.

Scientology is not a religion. It's a criminal organization pretending to be a religion to avoid paying taxes. They broke into the IRS offices to modify their own records.

It's a Mafia, not a church. This latest offering is yet another in a very long series of scams.
posted by Malor at 7:02 AM on August 29, 2006


Ok, I should amend that to probably the latest in a long series of scams. I can't (yet) demonstrate that this doesn't work.
posted by Malor at 7:04 AM on August 29, 2006


Thanks for the Doc Savage regimen, Beaucoup Kevin. Who needs Scientology when you can roam the world having adventures?
posted by Iridic at 7:05 AM on August 29, 2006


Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard taught that people have 57 "perceptics." They include an ability to discern relative sizes,...

Wow, that's the largest pile of BS I've ever seen...
posted by c13 at 7:07 AM on August 29, 2006


When these people read Dune they're gonna be bummed. Don't they know all super powers get you is a massive guilt complex and eventually having your eyes burnt out?
posted by PenDevil at 7:08 AM on August 29, 2006


Malor writes "Ok, I should amend that to probably the latest in a long series of scams. I can't (yet) demonstrate that this doesn't work."

In the same vein I would like to announce that my sperm has superpowers. When taken orally from the source it will cure all known diseases in women. I defy any lady to undergo my patented cure once daily for a year and tell me it doesn't work. Until then it can't be demonstrated not to work!
posted by clevershark at 7:10 AM on August 29, 2006


This article can't possibly be serious, right? Someone please say yes. Please...
posted by c13 at 7:12 AM on August 29, 2006


(Bull) Shit Sandwich.
posted by dbiedny at 7:15 AM on August 29, 2006


Why is detecting moisture (self) a super power? Is that what's wrong with people like Tom Cruise? They can't tell when they're moist until some nice Hubbardite points it out to them?
posted by Biblio at 7:25 AM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]


(Bull) Shit Sandwich

Sans bread
posted by TheDonF at 7:29 AM on August 29, 2006


Why is detecting moisture (self) a super power?


posted by vanadium at 7:30 AM on August 29, 2006


(reality)"At half a million dollars, Scientology has unveiled its newest, most expensive class ever!" (/reality)
posted by zekinskia at 7:31 AM on August 29, 2006


He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions.

The Sphinx, Mystery Men
posted by QuestionableSwami at 7:36 AM on August 29, 2006


They forgot the one sense scientologists are missing. No fancy name, this one's called simply "sense".

On the other hand, the sense of feeling that time is actually a cube seems to be very strong in them.
posted by qvantamon at 7:36 AM on August 29, 2006


Even though Scientology may always be nearly ready to do something, I can rest assured MetaFilter is quite prepared to say who fucking cares?
posted by prostyle at 7:38 AM on August 29, 2006


MetaFilter: who fucking cares?
posted by OmieWise at 7:49 AM on August 29, 2006


"Like much of Scientology training, details aren't revealed until one pays to take the course."

This is a good idea. I buy stereo equipment the same way. The box might have speakers in it, it might be a cheese hat! My faith in Best Buy is strong.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:50 AM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]


The mother of a dear friend moved to California and became a Scientologist following her divorce, more than 15 years ago now.

For the past several months, she (the mom) has been in Florida, attending some "super secret" Schientologist training program. We had thought it was just an extended version of one of the retreats she has attendend in the past.

This article, however, makes several things clear. Thanks for posting it.
posted by anastasiav at 7:52 AM on August 29, 2006


The very last sense they teach you is Bullshit Detection.

See, it's all just a really funny joke!
posted by LordSludge at 7:53 AM on August 29, 2006


Where are the Super BestFriends when we need them?
posted by cardoso at 7:53 AM on August 29, 2006


With Super Powers comes Super Gullibility.
posted by stinkycheese at 8:00 AM on August 29, 2006


"Super power" seems like a clever idea, because by focusing on and perhaps improving the rationality in people's senses, Scientology can teach people an effective, but maybe not useful, skill. Also when people can't use the "super powers", Scientology can say that they are simply not trained enough.

Is it just me that has felt that training in the details of life (such as sense of direction) is something that is essential to living, but never taught?

Scientology may have an idea here that many normal people would find very appealing.
posted by niccolo at 8:11 AM on August 29, 2006


niccolo writes "Also when people can't use the 'super powers', Scientology can say that they are simply not trained enough."

s/"are simply not trained"/"have simply not paid/
posted by clevershark at 8:18 AM on August 29, 2006


What are "Timen Sight" and "Tasten Colorn Depth" supposed to be again?

timen sight = time and sight
tasten colorn depth = taste and color and depth

I have a finely honed sense of perception of worden scramblen (bork).
posted by eddydamascene at 8:23 AM on August 29, 2006


The very last sense they teach you is Bullshit Detection.

See, it's all just a really funny joke!


Well, supposedly, at the highest levels (OT VIII or something like that) they tell you that all the tech and aliens aren't real, and in fact, it was you who had the power all along! And it only cost $400,000!
posted by sonofsamiam at 8:25 AM on August 29, 2006


Fools! Only true spuerpower in entire world is Russian Federation! Nobody kisses stomachs like comrade Putin!
posted by Smart Dalek at 8:36 AM on August 29, 2006


It's all making sense now...
SuperPower, almost certainly, must draw upon an unimaginably powerful organic force to accomplish the transformations.
They simply needed the pile of baby Suri's soiled diapers to reach critical mass...
posted by Thorzdad at 8:47 AM on August 29, 2006


Okay, there needs to be a non-profit set up immediately to pay for one person to go through the highest levels of this bullshit so that they can bring it down from the inside after they're done.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:59 AM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]


they tell you that all the tech and aliens aren't real, and in fact, it was you who had the power all along! And it only cost $400,000!

Wow, just like what Yoghurt tells Lone Starr at the end of Spaceballs!

The Schwartz is in you!

The charge $400,000 to tell you what you can learn from paying $4 to rent a movie from 1987?
posted by deanc at 9:06 AM on August 29, 2006


Ah, the clam people have claimed that they get superpowers at the highest levels for years. This is just a well-timed publicity move because superheroes are having a small rennaisance in the public sphere.

I want to see this guy jump off a building. Then I might believe he's the one.
posted by lumpenprole at 9:13 AM on August 29, 2006


Didn't Marvel/DC copyright the term "super powers"? Or did they just hit up "superheroes"?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:14 AM on August 29, 2006


Okay, but as any Silver Age DC comics fanboy knows, with super powers comes an asinine but necessary weakness, e.g., the color yellow, to prevent the kind of omnipotence that would make for too many one-sided battles.

So...my sense is that after being powered-up with 57 varieties of superness, Scientologists will be left helpless before something innocuous, an everyday object, nothing you'd think twice about, say...an Army sock full of quarters.

Try it.

Otherwise, maybe wood. Or fire. Or the green glowing fragments of the VOLCANO!!
posted by the sobsister at 9:16 AM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]



Hmmm. Missing one power.
The super-power to NOT have your major studio contract renewed.
posted by tkchrist at 9:19 AM on August 29, 2006


As pointed out on www.scam.com, "tasten colorn depth" should probably be read as "tasting colon depth", which is pretty much self-explanatory.

That's the least popular superpower of all time, by the way.
posted by dreish at 9:21 AM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]


So, it's a slow news day in old St. Pete?

Check the article again--May 6 was a slow news day in St. Pete.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:23 AM on August 29, 2006


Have I scanned this thread to quickly or has there really been no mention of the most obvioius graduate of this course, St Tom.
posted by donfactor at 9:23 AM on August 29, 2006


funny, Iridic, et.al
posted by Smedleyman at 9:24 AM on August 29, 2006


The charge $400,000 to tell you what you can learn from paying $4 to rent a movie from 1987?

Yeah, from entry level to the top, that is the minimum you will pay, but they will run you through as many extra sessions and programs as they can, and if you don't complete your tasks right, or don't have a good enough attitude afterwards, you have to pay and do it again.

Or, they upgrade the tech and make you take it over. Coz it wasn't good enough in the first place: turns out none of the graduates could actually fly.
posted by sonofsamiam at 9:32 AM on August 29, 2006


mondo dentro: Current research in neuroscience suggests that brain plasticity is much greater than previously thought... The problem is that something which is just true for everyone is being turned into an esoteric practice available only to those who pay through the nose...

Exactly. But who else will set up these kinds of facilities? During WWII the air force built portable 3D viewing machines on which one could run through a series of exercises to sharpen visual perception. I checked one out briefly, and I could see how this might actually have a clear benefit.

Done well across a spectrum of senses in a tested program, this could have a huge impact on a persons life.

(BTW, I heard from a friend about Scientologists making inquires into setting up high definition immersive realtime image compositing environments. Related?)
posted by StickyCarpet at 9:38 AM on August 29, 2006


I think scientology, scam that it is, serves a purpose.

It reminds us time and again that the rich and beautiful people are quite often just as stupid, gullible, and useless as anyone else.

The great equalizer... still waiting for someone to get the balls to declare that scientology is a business, not a religion, and thus should be taxed to hell.
posted by caution live frogs at 9:39 AM on August 29, 2006


I will wait for the Max Power course.
posted by snofoam at 9:45 AM on August 29, 2006


One day, in a shallow sea off the coast of Japan, he will meet Tony Robbins. There, they will battle to the death for earthly supremacy.
posted by jimmythefish at 10:03 AM on August 29, 2006


Wow, if I take another level in Balance I'll gain Jumping (+5) and a bonus to my Acrobatics saving throw on my next level-up!

Seriously, is there anything on that list that one could even remotely consider a "super" power? They read like topics that I could at least find five books on self-improvement on if I had to, each; and I really, really can't imagine what the use of some of them would be: Most of this stuff sounds like a waste of money, and the few interesting things sound like something everyone should be able to do with a little experience and effort.
Oh, and on the subject of the typo "Tasten Colorn Depth": I've never been so happy to see an "r" before...
posted by PontifexPrimus at 10:26 AM on August 29, 2006


I want to see this guy jump off a building.

Didn't the classic Jose Chung episode of Millenium have a scene exactly like that?
posted by Iridic at 10:42 AM on August 29, 2006


> still waiting for someone to get the balls to declare
> that scientology is a business, not a religion, and
> thus should be taxed to hell

These balls big enough for ya?
posted by dansdata at 10:42 AM on August 29, 2006


dansdata - it's a start, but it still doesn't hit them where it hurts (that is, in the celebrity spokesdrones).
posted by caution live frogs at 10:49 AM on August 29, 2006


PontifexPrimus:

I'm one of those "underdeveloped sense of hunger" folks. Often I get hungry. However, sometimes I don't, but it's mealtime and I eat anyway, so it's all good. And sometimes I don't get hungry, forget to eat, and then later feel all woozy and ready-to-pass-out.

(Note: hunger is not the same as appetite. Even if I'm not hungry, I can eat, so my lack of hunger has, unfortunately, not prevented the start of a middle-age belly).

As far as how much I'd be willing to pay to gain suoer or even normal human hunger levels? Oh, I'd say maybe as much as 10 or 20 cents.
posted by Bugbread at 11:08 AM on August 29, 2006


Is Scientology sponsoring Metafilter? Is this like some sort of reverse-advertising, like the hentai games on SomethingAwful?
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:14 AM on August 29, 2006


He had just finished his perceptics training and was at the Los Angeles airport, preparing to fly home to the Tampa Bay area. He stood at a crosswalk with perhaps 20 others, including a woman and her son, an antsy boy 6 or 7 years old.

As the light turned green, the boy bolted into the street, ahead of his mother. Feshbach perceived a pickup bearing down on the boy, driven by a young woman.

He yelled and saved the boy's life by a quarter of an inch, he said.


Every "miraculous" Scientology testimony reads just like that, and frequently features a crippled or imperiled child. It's pathetic.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:25 AM on August 29, 2006


I bet no one else knows anything about perceptual training and fast reflex actions in terms of visual acuity, depth perception, eye motility, (etc) as the scientalalablah. Because really, who would study such things exhaustively?
posted by Smedleyman at 11:52 AM on August 29, 2006


Remember that we Americans must open our minds to new frontiers of potential.
posted by davy at 11:55 AM on August 29, 2006


Personally, I loved this bit the best:

"Scientologist Ron Pollack, who donated $5-million to the Super Power fund after making millions in hedge funds in the 1990s, said he got a sneak peek. The head of fundraising for the project showed him a photo of "some high-tech thing"

Poor guy donates five mil and they won't even show him the real thing. All he gets is a glimpse of some lousy photo!

Suckerrrrr!
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:09 PM on August 29, 2006


Also, doesn't this stuff count as squirrelling?

Or perhaps it's the levels New OTIX to OTXV that were promised when every service organization reaches the size of Saint Hill?

Either way, I guess when all of your wealthy marks have already done OT8, you've got to find some way to shake loose some additional coin.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:16 PM on August 29, 2006


Me, I'm sticking with hopping up and down with my legs crossed and telling myself I'm levitating.
posted by kozad at 12:38 PM on August 29, 2006


FWIW, PontifexPrimus, I don't think they were referring to those things as superpowers themselves, but as media for perception, which could then be built up to become more acute than normal.

It's still bullshit, of course. And I do like the idea of the administrators telling Cruise and Travolta that their hunger makes them superheroes (TM).
posted by Navelgazer at 1:08 PM on August 29, 2006


I think they mean "super" in the sense of supertasters.
posted by Bugbread at 1:35 PM on August 29, 2006


So, what kind of powers do I get if I sign up with Xenu instead? Can I make evil thetan-destroying laser beams come out of my eyeballs?
posted by unreason at 5:27 PM on August 29, 2006


I'm pretty sure I've got the perceptic emotional state of other organs—every time someone plays a march in Cadet Chapel I get all warlike.

That is the kind of organ^ he's talking about, isn't it?
posted by eritain at 9:51 PM on August 29, 2006


Scientology would be funny if they didn't have political plans.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:53 PM on August 29, 2006


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