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You Got the Touch
August 31, 2006 12:40 PM   Subscribe

I don't want to get all fanboy about the upcoming Transformers movie. Even if they did get Peter Cullen to reprise his role as the vox of semi-truck-autobot-leader Optimus Prime. I mean Michael Bay is directing it, people. However, perhaps it's possible Stan Bush could revamp his famous 'You Got the Touch' anthem. Couldn't be as bad as Mark Wahlberg's version (or John C. Reilly's dancing).
posted by bivouac (77 comments total)

 
Well you did, you got all fanboy about it.
posted by poppo at 12:53 PM on August 31, 2006


Megatron is gun god damn it. Fuck you Micheal Bay. I'm waiting for the re-release of the original movie on DVD. That was the greatest film ever. One shall stand, one shall fall.
posted by chunking express at 12:53 PM on August 31, 2006


Megatron IS a gun. Damn my English. I must be extra mad at Micheal Fucking Bay.
posted by chunking express at 12:54 PM on August 31, 2006


Megatron looks like he's got just the right amount of spikes to properly rape my childhood with the correct amount of pain that abortion of a design would force upon it.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 12:57 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


THIS THREAD AND MOVIE IS USELESS WITHOUT SOUNDWAVE
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:58 PM on August 31, 2006


You got fanboy all over the front page, bivouac. It's gonna leave a hell of a stain.
posted by Iridic at 12:59 PM on August 31, 2006


Yes, this live-action movie of an 80s cartoon... somehow, it will not be good.

*ahem*
posted by grubi at 1:00 PM on August 31, 2006


Agree with that robocop. Remember those little jaguars that would fold up for Soundwave to carry around as tape cassettes. I bet in the new movie they would make them into iPods, so it would kind of suck to have Soundwave afterall.

And might I add, they are making Bumblebee a Camaro...wtf
posted by poppo at 1:01 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


Optimus Prime? Don't you mean Convoy?

/more retro than thou
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:02 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


Don't shit on the brilliance of Wahlberg and Reilly.
posted by NationalKato at 1:02 PM on August 31, 2006


Are they still going to call him Bumblebee? Because that would be a whole other kind of stupid.

And yes, Soundwave is the only decepticon that seemed to know what he was doing. What are they going to do without him. Fuck.

Fuck.
posted by chunking express at 1:03 PM on August 31, 2006


retro nerd
posted by poppo at 1:03 PM on August 31, 2006


Grimlock is going to be so pissed when he sees this...
posted by ryoshu at 1:04 PM on August 31, 2006


BTW, what was that old animated series where miniature internet-robot-soldiers disguised themselves as common household objects? Is that going to be a major motion picture anytime soon?
posted by Iridic at 1:05 PM on August 31, 2006


I wouldn't calling it shitting, per se. I think that's got to be one of the best clips in the 'Boogie Nights' - I think its hilarious though, just as much as I think the Steve Bush guitar that shoots lasers is hilarious.
posted by bivouac at 1:05 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


I mean Michael Bay is directing it, people.

Is this a misguided recommendation of a chronic shitmaker, or a cry of dispair?
posted by KirkJobSluder at 1:06 PM on August 31, 2006


Soundwave isn't in the fucking movie? That is total bullshit.

Also, the fact that Starscream's voice won't sound right at all is almost enough to keep me away. Almost. If they don't make that ch-ch-ch transforming sound, I am out, baby.
posted by mckenney at 1:07 PM on August 31, 2006


KirkJobSluder

Cry of despair.
posted by bivouac at 1:09 PM on August 31, 2006


Geez. This (from the trailer) is a really good way to make it look like something does not happen on Mars:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
posted by interrobang at 1:10 PM on August 31, 2006



posted by boo_radley at 1:16 PM on August 31, 2006


As big as I was of Transformers when I was a wee lad, I just can't seem to be upset that this live-action translation is going to differ from the 20+ year old cartoon.

I must be doing something wrong.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 1:18 PM on August 31, 2006


While I want this movie to be good, my money is on suck. What I am looking forward to, however, is a big budget computer rendered shot of a Transformer transforming. That alone will make me (eventually) see it.

As to the characters who transform into stupid shit; guns, tape decks, etc. My guess is that they won't be in the movie or they will change into something else. My hunch is that the studio producing this doesn't understand that there are purists out there who might be offended if Megatron changes into a jet or something.

(Actually, now that I think about it, I bet they will suggest that the Transformers are advanced robots who mimic whatever environment they are in and can change into multiple things to this end. That way they completely get around people complaining about this sort of thing.)

(Not that that would stop us :)
posted by quin at 1:19 PM on August 31, 2006


I have the original movie on DVD Chunking.

Another shoutout for Soundwave!
posted by a3matrix at 1:20 PM on August 31, 2006


WATCH SOUNDWAVE BREAKDANCE!
posted by jefbla at 1:21 PM on August 31, 2006


This movie should have just been 2 hours of Soundwave talking and ejecting tapes from his chest.


posted by uftheory at 1:23 PM on August 31, 2006


quin - Here you go.

By the way, no Soundwave in the movie and Megatron not a gun means I don't pay money to see it. Not to mention the multiple astronomy errors in the teaser trailer alone putting me off this sure-to-be-overmarketed piece of crap. Beagle 2 wasn't a rover, idiots.
posted by brownpau at 1:27 PM on August 31, 2006


a3matrix, they are making an anniversary edition: Remastered and colour corrected, 16 x 9, etc, etc.
posted by chunking express at 1:28 PM on August 31, 2006


Megatron. Is. A. Gun. fuckwits.
posted by bonaldi at 1:30 PM on August 31, 2006


Bay apparently wants this to have "real world" physics. In a world where robots can evolve and be sentient? In a world with transforming robots? fuck off.

Megatron can connect his cannon to a black hole for a power source. This means changing the amount of space he takes up is trivial. If Dracula can become a bat, he can become a Walther.
posted by bonaldi at 1:33 PM on August 31, 2006


This all makes me feel pretty old. You-all are getting nostalgic about a series that I'm only dimly aware of, I must of have been in college at the time. I guess that the 60s and 70s have been completely culturally strip mined by now so Hollywood has moved on to the eighties.
posted by octothorpe at 1:37 PM on August 31, 2006


On the one hand, part of me is sad that there's no Grimlock in the movie ('cause he's hilarious and awesome).

However.

Most of me is glad there's no Grimlock, because that's one less robot design to get fucked up, and one less element for Michael Bay to completely screw up.

Michael Bay needs to have his crayons taken away. The only movie of his I can stand at all is The Rock, and that's pretty much entirely Sean Connery's fault.

The man should've had his crayons taken away after Pearl Harbor.
posted by sparkletone at 1:44 PM on August 31, 2006


That's not Megatron, that's the Shrike.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:47 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


As much as Michael Bay is fucking up the Transformers, the fact is that they've been fucking them up in Japan for years now.

To wit: Pepsi Optimus
Panty Optimus

Yes these are real toys.
posted by Durhey at 1:48 PM on August 31, 2006


Here's hoping some British genius firm takes a hold of the US film and only uses the good bits, wrapping a whole new genius universe around the rest
(non-comic geeks won't get this)
posted by bonaldi at 1:56 PM on August 31, 2006


Megatron can connect his cannon to a black hole for a power source. This means changing the amount of space he takes up is trivial. If Dracula can become a bat, he can become a Walther.

This thread, and this comment in particular provides excellent justification from keeping fanboys away from the process of creating, talking about, or even thinking about cinematic adaptations. It's a shame that we don't have automatic straight-jackets for those moments when you suffer these psychotic breaks, and your cognitive skills temporarily drop below those expected of the intended audience of the teletubbies.

Yeah, this movie is going to suck, because it's being directed by a lowest-common-denominator director who can't do character, dialog, or even plot beyond excessively big explosions. It will suck because it is yet another adaptation of a television show.

Bitching about whether a character based on a toy line is going to be portrayed a jet or a gun, or the sound effects used for the transformation is profoundly delusional and psychotic. These things are fanwank trivial. The movie isn't being made for you anyway (thank goodness, because that would certainly suck).
posted by KirkJobSluder at 2:04 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


The movie will be nothing more than 90-minutes of product promotion. I believe several new-ish cars and consumer products are prominently featured. So far I've seen Mustang, Camaro, Xbox, and iPod.

Also, the car blogs are all over it (Jalopnik and Autoblog).
posted by rzklkng at 2:07 PM on August 31, 2006


"Bay apparently wants this to have "real world" physics."

As I recall, the first issue of the Marvel comics claimed that the Transformers evolved from "naturally ocurring gears and levers."
posted by nickmark at 2:12 PM on August 31, 2006



The movie will be nothing more than 90-minutes of product promotion.


The cartoon likewise was 30 minute ads for toys. Sure the toys were neat, but lets not pretend the cartoons were anything but ads for them. Same with GI Joe and Gobots.
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:13 PM on August 31, 2006


Megatron isn't a gun. He's a toy gun.
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:16 PM on August 31, 2006


KJS: It could easily suck *and yet still* not shit all over the original. If the changes were going to make it better in any way, fine. But they're not, as far as I can see.

And if you can't see that the black hole thing is tongue in cheek ... jesus. Transformers has always been ludicrous, as nickmark points out. There are about eight timelines as well. Any film should play on that, not try and make welch into something straight-faced. That will result in a rotten film for non-fans and a rotten film for fans
posted by bonaldi at 2:16 PM on August 31, 2006


Here's hoping some British genius firm takes a hold of the US film and only uses the good bits, wrapping a whole new genius universe around the rest

The first issue of "Machines of Loving Grace" (title changed from "Beast Machines of Loving Grace" to avoid copyright infringement) is expected to see British publication in February '07, assuming Alan Moore can be roused from bed to script it. It will be a gnostic interpretation of Sophocles' Theban Cycle as played out through the intrigues and passions of giant robots.
posted by Iridic at 2:17 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


People. IT IS A TOY COMMERCIAL!
posted by tkchrist at 2:18 PM on August 31, 2006


The fact the shows were long commercials doesn't make them any less compelling. I can't imagine what sort of person I'd be if not for Thundercats, He-Man, Transformers, GI-Joe, etc, etc, etc. I'd certainly have had less cool toys.
posted by chunking express at 2:26 PM on August 31, 2006


I loved the transformers when I was a kid, too, but let's not pretend that it was anything other than it was. All these movie needs to have is giant robots transforming into vehicles and lots of explosions in order for it to be true to the spirit of the original. I could give a shit if any of the original characters are in the movie or not, but it would be nice if they were.
posted by empath at 2:34 PM on August 31, 2006


The fact the shows were long commercials doesn't make them any less compelling.

Uh. Sure it does. At least to me.

Then again I wasn't the target market since I was well in to College when it came out.
posted by tkchrist at 2:37 PM on August 31, 2006


Iridic-- is that an in-joke that I just don't get? If not, where can I find out more?
posted by Squid Voltaire at 2:38 PM on August 31, 2006


A BELOVED TOY COMMERCIAL
posted by boo_radley at 2:39 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


The cartoon likewise was 30 minute ads for toys. Sure the toys were neat, but lets not pretend the cartoons were anything but ads for them. Same with GI Joe and Gobots.

Which is why Michael Bay is not a bad choice for the director. I don't want to see the Transformers tell a thought provoking science fiction story that makes us all examine our own lives. All I want to see vehicles turn into robots who shoot lasers at each other.

This cartoon seemed fitting for this thread, though.
posted by Gary at 2:43 PM on August 31, 2006


This movie will have:
1. Big robots transforming into slick vehicles,
2. Big robots beating the crap out of each other.

So it's probably going to do well.

But for 80s nostalgia, I'm still betting on Ninja Turtles.
posted by zennie at 2:48 PM on August 31, 2006


ROU_Xenophobe: "That's not Megatron, that's the Shrike."

Argh, that's the first thing I thought when I saw this a couple of days ago! Although the number of arms is wrong, this is how I would imagine that beast...
<rant> And I really, really hated the end of Rise - the "consolation prize" for Raul is something I find completely unacceptable in any way, shape or form, and to say it left a bitter taste in my mouth would be an understatement of monumental proportions. Sorry, but I really hated that part and had to share.</rant>
posted by PontifexPrimus at 2:58 PM on August 31, 2006


Who knew the posts would be so polarized. I was posting it:

a. to make fun of fanboys
b. to make fun of michael bay
c. to show everyone how mark wahlberg can't sing and john reilly can't dance (when in character or course....or not?)

Who cares about the movie...the YouTube clips are priceless and the real point behind the post.
posted by bivouac at 2:58 PM on August 31, 2006


Just an in-joke, Squid Voltaire. I was riffing off of Bonaldi's comment, which I assume referred to Alan Moore's ability to breathe complexity and profundity into simple American pulp archetypes, a talent that resulted in comic books like his Swamp Thing run, Watchmen, and Marvelman. (Marvelman was called Miracleman in the U.S. to avoid copyright infringement). I just imagined how Transformers would look if it was Moore delivering the update instead of Bay.
posted by Iridic at 3:01 PM on August 31, 2006


RUMBLE IS RED, FRENZY IS BLUE
posted by davros42 at 3:07 PM on August 31, 2006


Heh, thanks brownpau. I've actually had that commercial on my MP3 player for a year or so. It's the primary factor in me wanting to see what they can do with this movie.

Though now that I think about it, I really doubt they are going to be able to top this advert. I will say, however, if they have a Decpticon Dance off (ala Robot Chicken), I will retract any dismissive statements I've made about this film.
posted by quin at 3:08 PM on August 31, 2006


bondali: It could easily suck *and yet still* not shit all over the original.

Well, there is the core problem. Any adaptation will have to adapt the original (or in your terms, "shit all over it.")
posted by KirkJobSluder at 3:16 PM on August 31, 2006


chunking express writes "Megatron is a gun."

I've always thought that was kind of stupid.
posted by mr_roboto at 3:18 PM on August 31, 2006


Any adaptation will have to adapt the original (or in your terms, "shit all over it.")

this isn't a book we're talking about, it's a TV cartoon. There are transition changes to live action, sure, but it's not like taking something people have imagined.

Either way, I'm fine with adaptation, and I do not use "shit all over it" to mean that. I mean "shit all over it" when I say that. And taking out the essential nonsense of it is part of that, as is removing key characters.
posted by bonaldi at 3:27 PM on August 31, 2006


I like the idea of Lazerbeak et al transforming into iPods. Makes you wonder what other post-80s inventions could be featured - Prime turning into a Segway? Soundwave as a digital camera?

But if they're going to mess about with it, I wish they'd go for an Alien vs Predator style cross-over - Decepticons vs Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors in the Mysterious Cities of Gold, or something like that.
posted by greycap at 3:34 PM on August 31, 2006


quin, brownpau: have you seen this one?
posted by beno at 3:36 PM on August 31, 2006


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
posted by Chuckly at 4:10 PM on August 31, 2006


I really don't "get" the fan base of this. For that matter I don't get why GI Joe (the cartoon) had so many grown fans when the Cartoon Network started showing it as part of its late-night lineup. To me those two shows were just half-assed shills for toy sales. Am I alone in thinking this?
posted by clevershark at 4:23 PM on August 31, 2006


quin, brownpau: have you seen this one?

Shit, no I hadn't. But at the end of that video I actually choked from the laugh I got.

Gotta figure it's the same production house. To which I say "Excellent!"
posted by quin at 4:42 PM on August 31, 2006


If Megatron and Greedo were sitting across from each other at a table, who would shoot first?
posted by starman at 4:44 PM on August 31, 2006


This will be an astrotrain weck.
The robot modes look awful.
posted by X-00 at 4:49 PM on August 31, 2006


Hmmm, now that I look a little closer at the video that beno linked, I don't think it was the same people. This X-Bam group is definitely talented though. They captured the essence of the original very well.
posted by quin at 4:53 PM on August 31, 2006


There was a GI Joe toy BEFORE the insipid cartoon. And he killed Nazis. And. Communists. Not wimpy COBRA "terrorists."

I still have the original GI Joe and a GI (Action Man .in England) that came with a Nazi uniform.

Oh. How Joe HATED Nazis.

And on weekends there was a well deserved leave with my sisters Barbie collection. A grateful village of lonely liberated french girls. Ahhh. Those were the days. Of course it was no picnic back at the front once Joe got his first burning of the clap. Barbie was SUCH a whore.
posted by tkchrist at 5:10 PM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


According to Family Guy, Soundwave is Christian and Optimus Prime is Jewish. I'm not sure what that has to do with this thread, but I'm sure the new movie can use these facts to produce box office gold.

To me those two shows were just half-assed shills for toy sales. Am I alone in thinking this?

The original movie had voice over work by Orson Welles. They were clearly using their whole ass.
posted by Gary at 5:15 PM on August 31, 2006


Well, when I saw the teaser in Yonkers before Pirates I felt a little funny in the pants.
posted by sohcahtoa at 5:52 PM on August 31, 2006


re: gi joe : I remember going to a convention a few years ago (Anime expo, if you're really curious) and there were a bunch of Original In Box OMG Transformer toys right next to some 12" GI Joes. Bullshitting with my friend, I asked him, "hey, do you remember that special when GI Joe and the Autobots teamed up against the Decepticons and Megatron was wielded by Hitler?" We cracked up, but the guy next to us was all "oh yeah! that was great! I haven't seen that episode in years!".
Ha, ha. Good times.
posted by boo_radley at 6:56 PM on August 31, 2006


The real Robot Chicken Transformers sketch.

I'm with John Waters. They should only be allowed to remake bad movies.
posted by kosem at 7:31 PM on August 31, 2006


If that's really what the faces of these robots are gonna look like, I think people are going to have a tough time relating to them as individuals. The pic of the supposed Bumblebee face does not look humanoid enough for people to really connect to. It's hard to really tell that the eyes are eyes, for example.
posted by nightchrome at 7:42 PM on August 31, 2006


Many of you feel bad for this lamp.
posted by zennie at 10:26 PM on August 31, 2006


Beagle 2 wasn't a rover, it was just a solar powered fold-out thing the size of a BBQ. Also, it didn't launch from the US, so why an American counting down? That's ruined it for me.
posted by biffa at 1:35 AM on September 1, 2006


Bumblebee is not a god damned Camaro, you bastards! WTF!
posted by antifuse at 4:53 AM on September 1, 2006


For his next project, Michael Bay will bring Polly Pocket to the big screen, brilliantly portrayed by Roseanne Barr.
posted by davelog at 6:52 AM on September 1, 2006


Not wimpy COBRA "terrorists."

Sir, would you care to step outside?
posted by COBRA! at 7:04 AM on September 1, 2006


I will step outside as long as I get to lose to the Baroness.

Hubba hubba!
posted by longbaugh at 8:03 AM on September 2, 2006


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