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October 17, 2006 12:44 PM   Subscribe

Please enjoy this remarkable rendition of a classic Disney tune from Britain's fabulous Jordan(mildly nsfw).
posted by thirteenkiller (63 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
That's actually painful.
posted by smackfu at 12:54 PM on October 17, 2006


That took my breath away.
posted by Bovine Love at 12:56 PM on October 17, 2006


It is remarkable. The remark is, "fuck you, Britain. Fuck you for making this possible."
posted by koeselitz at 1:02 PM on October 17, 2006


Jesus. I paused Beethoven's Fifth for that?
posted by koeselitz at 1:03 PM on October 17, 2006 [1 favorite]


*blorf*
posted by sciurus at 1:08 PM on October 17, 2006


Anything Paris Hilton can do, Jordan can do better.
posted by greycap at 1:12 PM on October 17, 2006


I flagged this as 'noise'.
posted by sveskemus at 1:13 PM on October 17, 2006


BTW, I don't think the last link is just 'mildly' NSFW. I has boobs all over the place (and this post is all the better for it).
posted by sveskemus at 1:16 PM on October 17, 2006


sounds like it was recorded at a karaoke night
posted by dodgygeezer at 1:16 PM on October 17, 2006


I think you should remove the entertainment tag.
posted by caddis at 1:20 PM on October 17, 2006


sveskemus: "BTW, I don't think the last link is just 'mildly' NSFW. I has boobs all over the place (and this post is all the better for it)."

Translation: if you're at work, this post will suck.
posted by koeselitz at 1:21 PM on October 17, 2006


That made me laugh a lot. Four minutes and twenty two seconds well spent.
posted by apodo at 1:23 PM on October 17, 2006


!

GAH!

But when we're way up he-a, it's crystal cle-a

To say nothing of the fact that the woman cannot carry a tune.

The guy's actually pretty good, though there's a strained, reedy quality to his voice. Jordan, however, should definitely stick to her strengths... and singing ain't one of them.
posted by The Confessor at 1:29 PM on October 17, 2006


I has boobs all over the place

It's good to have a hobby.
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:48 PM on October 17, 2006


I'm certainly having an indescribable feeling listening to this.
posted by Cyrano at 1:55 PM on October 17, 2006


I'm actually impressed that she can consistently sing a microtone higher than the actual pitch should be.

And that stereophonic thing at the end with Jordan's voice just took that f***er up a notch.
posted by aliasless at 1:58 PM on October 17, 2006


boob:
1 : a stupid awkward person
posted by caddis at 1:58 PM on October 17, 2006


I'd like to "stick to her strengths" iykwimaityd. Seriously, this was awful, and I internet-hate you for posting it.
posted by boo_radley at 1:58 PM on October 17, 2006


Oddly enough, I think even Fark had enough taste to pass on this one.
posted by FormlessOne at 2:17 PM on October 17, 2006


Holy crap! I figured this would be one of those "Oh come on, it's not that bad, you're just jealous that she's got fantastically big--" and then I heard her voice come in. As aliasless said, it's almost an incredible talent in itself that she can be off pitch by about the samn amount so damn consistently! And how can he tolerate it- his voice is reedy, but he's in tune, and surely can hear how off she is. God they probably did several takes to get this quality (and who was clapping at the end?!). I've heard it said that people hear their own voices in a different pitch, but this seems to transcend even that!

The tragic part is that she quite probably had ProTools lending her a little digital assist... which makes this feat of vocal putridness all the more incredible. But then again, she's hot and has large breasts and a lot of money, so... gunga la gunga.
posted by hincandenza at 2:19 PM on October 17, 2006


OK...neither of them can sing, he looks like a jerk, and she's made out of plastic.....

This post deserves a firm and painful response from the mefi community......
posted by HuronBob at 2:28 PM on October 17, 2006


This is... completely awesome and horrible. Thanks.
posted by dozo at 2:31 PM on October 17, 2006


Or you could watch the live performance at YouTube, which is either lipsynched or heavily 'tuned' through the mixing booth live...
posted by hincandenza at 2:34 PM on October 17, 2006


As aliasless said, it's almost an incredible talent in itself that she can be off pitch by about the samn amount so damn consistently!

I don't really follow the tabloids, but I understand that Jordan is a heavy drinker. Which might explain why her performance was somewhat reminiscent of a very drunk motorist trying to walk a straight line. She misses it, misses it, misses it, and then just as you realize she's about to shift into a higher key and might actually get in tune by default, she goes and overshoots her mark.

That said, you have to admire her gusto, enthusiasm and sheer don't-give-a-fuckness.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:36 PM on October 17, 2006


Every time I thought it had reached a plateau of awfulness, it would surprise me by finding a painfully funny way to get worse.

This gem delievers right down to the last seconds.
posted by FYKshun at 2:42 PM on October 17, 2006


I'm confused.

This Jordan, she is famous for having breasts, right? Bizarre, but 'Well,' thought I, 'there may be stranger things to be famous for.'

And then I looked on Wikipedia and saw that they were only implants anyway. Now I'm considerably more confused.

Exactly how famous is she, anyway?
posted by booksandlibretti at 2:48 PM on October 17, 2006


From the site:
BE warned: Peter Andre and Jordan's appalling new duet is four minutes and twenty-two seconds you will never get back.
Yet it seems that there are only four minutes and fifteen seconds of song posted. The missing seven seconds, I'm sure, make all the difference.
posted by underer at 2:50 PM on October 17, 2006


booksandlibretti - She's famous for being a Page 3 Stunna! And appearing in lads' mags in few/no clothes. And being on a reality TV show (I think). So her fame is about as fake as her breasts.
posted by MrMustard at 3:00 PM on October 17, 2006


The icing on the cake that is her performance is the fact that she refuses to change her accent:

"Ahnbelievabuw Sights, Indescribabuw feelins"

This is wondrously bad, and I wonder who sent this rough mix to the press. A disgruntled studio engineer perhaps?
posted by ob at 3:18 PM on October 17, 2006


This is why I left the UK.
posted by Frasermoo at 3:25 PM on October 17, 2006


Yes Jordan (not to be confused with the Hashemite Kingdom of) is indeed famous for having large breasts. See what an advanced society we Brits have? So advanced that a woman can become famous for her jugs alone. And, and this is the best bit, they don't even have to be real. Good old Blighty, how I miss you so.

*Stiff upper-lip wobbles ever so slighty*
posted by ob at 3:25 PM on October 17, 2006


Why did I click on this? WHY?!?

I have an idea, let's double-track her vocal at the end, that will make it better. Ooops, guess not.
posted by sbrollins at 3:27 PM on October 17, 2006


Wowsers. Could the weight of her artificial orbs be somehow dragging her voice out of tune?

Exactly how famous is she, anyway?

Very, very famous. Largely due to her cartoonish soap opera of a life, and the fact that she seems to be quite a nice lady despite being a preposterous surgeried famewhore - her football player former paramour turned out to be a complete cad, she had a partially blind baby by him with a wide range of mysteious disabilities *cough* foetal alcohol syndrome *cough*, she met washed-up 90s R&B microstar Peter Andre on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! ('reality' show in which z-listers are forced to eat kangaroo testicles, be buried alive in snake pits, &c.) making their relationship not only public but, in its early stages, streamed live on telly 24/7...

The thing I find interesting about her is that she maintains a rather sophisticated division between 'Jordan' and 'Katie Price' (her real name) - depending on context she will bill herself as one or the other, so you might get a story in one tabloid that's all about some saucy rumours (Jordan) and another in a different tabloid on the travails of bringing up a profoundly disabled child (Katie Price). The former will sell more calendars, the latter more copies of her autobiography. Considerably more astute than her early career strategy of periodically increasing the size of her originally not inconsiderable bosom.
posted by jack_mo at 3:36 PM on October 17, 2006


Oh, and does anyone know why, throughout his pop 'career', Peter André was constantly rumoured to have full-blown AIDS? That was such odd gossip...
posted by jack_mo at 3:40 PM on October 17, 2006


jack_mo: I heard that about Peter Andre too.
posted by ob at 3:43 PM on October 17, 2006


I love that they can just say his ultra-tanned bimbo wife right there in the article. They used to dance around this kind of frank appraisal of people in newspaper articles.
posted by cell divide at 3:45 PM on October 17, 2006


Now that I have actually seen the links I can say that this truly represents the worst of the web.

Kitsch can be fun, but I am not sure that this worst of web post has enough charm left to redeem itself.
posted by caddis at 3:55 PM on October 17, 2006


Where's the "torture" tag?
Also, thirteenkiller must be banned.
posted by Joeforking at 3:58 PM on October 17, 2006


hincandenza: Or you could watch the live performance at YouTube

He and she will provide!
(Or am I the only person who ever saw this?)
posted by Hal Mumkin at 3:59 PM on October 17, 2006


oh my god. OH MY GOD.

am I also the only one who never thought she was hot anyway?

Horrible pitch, way off key.

ouch. I just got to the double track part.

woah...
That was actually painful.
posted by subaruwrx at 4:30 PM on October 17, 2006


Please enjoy..
I'm trying to, I really am
posted by bunglin jones at 4:36 PM on October 17, 2006


All she wants is a room somewhere
Far away from the cold night air...

posted by StrikeTheViol at 4:49 PM on October 17, 2006


This article is great for those who really want to know all about Jordan's... personality. A talk with her after the release of her second autobigraphy.

'Her books come as close as words can to the topless Sun shots she became famous for. "My eyes widened as he peeled off his boxers," she writes of her first sexual encounter with Peter Andre. "Less of an acorn, more of an oak... definitely dickalicious!" Maybe it's not the year for the Booker nomination then, and apologies if you just choked on your cornflakes.'

And also this....

'Her agent tried to make her take singing lessons, but Price resented it. "It's not like I'm an unknown."'
posted by DOUBLE A SIDE at 6:11 PM on October 17, 2006


am I also the only one who never thought she was hot anyway?

Indeed; and the thing is, everytime I see a picture of her, she always looks different. If you're going to be grotesque, at least have the courtesy to be consistently grotesque, goddammit.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:44 PM on October 17, 2006


If you're going to be grotesque, at least have the courtesy to be consistently grotesque, goddammit.

That's a good point well made.
posted by ob at 7:55 PM on October 17, 2006


All right, so here's the question: why does the 'live' YouTube version sound so much better than the Daily Telegraph one? Did they Milli Vanilli it, or what?
posted by graventy at 9:27 PM on October 17, 2006


Coming soon to a nearby music store corner shop remainder bin: "Chav Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."
posted by rob511 at 9:33 PM on October 17, 2006


rob511 takes it :D
posted by flippant at 12:02 AM on October 18, 2006


graventy: They used a pitch corrector on the live clip.
posted by Phatty Lumpkin at 12:23 AM on October 18, 2006


Ok I seriously resent the wording of this post, thirteenkiller, because while the presence of the words "Britain's fabulous Jordan" should have been warning enough, you failed to add the words "Peter Andre", you sneaky bastard. I'd managed to completely forget about the pairing of these two talents, and now, 'oh oh oh mysterious girl' has been retrieved from memory. I want my 5 dollars back!

I love that they can just say his ultra-tanned bimbo wife right there in the article. They used to dance around this kind of frank appraisal of people in newspaper articles.

Ah but this is an Australian newspaper!
posted by pleeker at 12:37 AM on October 18, 2006


So we all get to laugh at Jordan, more a symptom of the meretricious maw that our society has in its heart than a cause of it. She is a distorted fair-ground mirror in which we see the quotidian hopes of the masses reflected back, distended to the point of ludicrousness. That is her job, and her life, for which I do not envy her.

That said, the only notes that the fat titted floozy can hold convincingly are pecunary.
posted by asok at 1:15 AM on October 18, 2006


That was not (just) a pitch corrector applied to the live version. In the video it was clear whenever the camera was on her that she was not producing any noise. Look at her throat -- it seems absolutely immobile, and that's not possible while you're singing.

I think probably she was lip-synching to a version she'd previously recorded that was then auto-tuned (although if you're going that far, why not just have someone else record it?).
posted by booksandlibretti at 1:44 AM on October 18, 2006


Also, in one way I'm glad to find out about Jordan's existence: From now on, nobody from the UK is allowed to blame the US for producing and supporting Paris Hilton -- this one is much worse.
posted by booksandlibretti at 1:45 AM on October 18, 2006


This review of Jordan’s autobiography gave me pause, but that doesn't mean I'll listen to the song when I get off work:

Katie has implants and married a man who waxes the hair off his balls; this makes it acceptable to deem their love inauthentic.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 2:00 AM on October 18, 2006


Jordan, more a symptom of the meretricious maw that our society has in its heart than a cause of it. She is a distorted fair-ground mirror in which we see the quotidian hopes of the masses reflected back, distended to the point of ludicrousness

That's exactly what I was going to say.
posted by bunglin jones at 2:06 AM on October 18, 2006


From now on, nobody from the UK is allowed to blame the US for producing and supporting Paris Hilton -- this one is much worse.

Nah, our one is common, yours is an heiress. We win. (Though I really like Paris Hilton too.)
posted by jack_mo at 3:39 AM on October 18, 2006


Celebrity (n): A person famous for being famous.
posted by sciurus at 5:21 AM on October 18, 2006


The article has been changed to say Jordan claims it's a fake. I'm letting my heart decide, and I say it's real.
posted by thirteenkiller at 5:23 AM on October 18, 2006


I think probably she was lip-synching to a version she'd previously recorded

Yeah you're right, but I think that what they do is they play the backing track (with the vocal) and allow for a little live vocal (where possible) to bleed into the mix to fake it more convincingly (that way you can get some breathing sounds etc.) It's still not 'live' in the traditional sense (well, in any sense) but they've made faking the art rather than being able to actually sing.
posted by ob at 7:58 AM on October 18, 2006


Oh, and there's no way that this studio version is fake, the statement is obviously a damage limitation excercise. I'm still interested to know who leaked it though...
posted by ob at 7:59 AM on October 18, 2006


My ears are bleeding. Is that a bad sign? What?
posted by puddinghead at 12:38 PM on October 18, 2006


You, sir, have ruined some fond childhood memories. I have never felt so unclean.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 8:52 PM on October 18, 2006


Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, caused by you.
posted by cgc373 at 5:44 AM on October 19, 2006


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