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Online Personal Black Book
December 8, 2006 11:50 PM   Subscribe

Not being blackmailed enough? Fucking so many people you can't keep track? Need worldwide access to your list of conquests? The solution you've been waiting for is at hand! My Black Book is a "secure" online service that allows you to post as many entries ("people you banged") and sessions ("ways in which you did it") as you need, and best of all, it's 100% free. unless you count the money you'll spend in blackmail fees.
posted by jonson (61 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Are there really people sad enough to need this? Maybe it's just an elaborate filter the intelligentsia will use to cull the mentally challenged from the population when they take power...
posted by maxwelton at 11:59 PM on December 8, 2006


At least once the CDC subpoenas their member info, they can more easily track who gave herpes to whom.
posted by Verdandi at 12:03 AM on December 9, 2006


Name: W42
People you banged: Everyone
Ways in which you did it: I'm the decider.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:09 AM on December 9, 2006


Many americans, both male and female keep track of whom they have slept with in either a little diary, or notebook.

Really? REALLY?
posted by brundlefly at 12:21 AM on December 9, 2006


it's true, brundlefly. In my case, I used to just list their names on my user page. But people here complained, so I stopped.
posted by jonson at 12:26 AM on December 9, 2006


Wait, this isn't what myspace's friends lists are? I need to change my estimation of everyone I know now!
posted by aubilenon at 12:40 AM on December 9, 2006


Okay I admit, I slept with Tom, but we were both pretty drunk and we regretted it in the morning.
posted by Jimbob at 1:35 AM on December 9, 2006


In my excitement I started my list after reading the second sentence, not realizing it meant "fucking so many people" as "sexual congress with many partners" rather than "betraying a bunch of folks".

My list is much shorter now.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:49 AM on December 9, 2006 [3 favorites]


Petula Clarke, 1967, up the ass.
posted by Joeforking at 2:05 AM on December 9, 2006


...up the ass

Or, in the vernacular of the day, downtown.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 2:12 AM on December 9, 2006 [4 favorites]


Whoa, this is a weird idea. Looks like accounts are free, so their business model must be based on selling ads? I guess it could work, huh? People on the internets already think stuff isn't as public as it truly is, so I could see people making a password protected account as being very secure. It's even encryptalated.

Personally, though, I think a diary hidden in the bottom of a toolbox with a lock on it is safer and much cooler than an online black book. Of course, I write lavish reminiscenses of my intimate encounters. Names in a book do not utilize fully my awesome writerly skillz.



...ok, so I totally don't do that.
posted by Mister Cheese at 2:16 AM on December 9, 2006


This is one application that couldn't possibly use too much Ajax.
posted by srboisvert at 2:38 AM on December 9, 2006


HEY lets try to keep the cursing off the front page, tom selleck.
posted by naxosaxur at 3:10 AM on December 9, 2006


Maybe it's just an elaborate filter the intelligentsia will use to cull the mentally challenged from the population when they take power...

No, we prefer to use Myspace for that sort of thing.
and Metafilter...
posted by Ryvar at 3:28 AM on December 9, 2006


HEY lets try to keep the cursing off the front page.

*Searches the guidelines, come up empty handed*
posted by Jimbob at 3:32 AM on December 9, 2006


Okay, obviously I won't be using this RETARDED service, but I can't be the only person who does something like this already, am I?

I'm not talking about JUST people I mess around with. Not at all, actually. (And I certainly don't--guh!--keep track of positions, for Christ's sake. But I live in a mid-sized city where everybody knows everyone else, and it's useful for me to keep track of people I meet.

I used to keep everything on index cards, but that got unmanageable, so I moved everything to a spreadsheet a few years ago.

Okay, wait...back up. I'm making this a lot more complicated than it really is. A typical entry is something like "Tom. Lily's boyfriend. Used to live with Brian S. Lawyer. 10-06, Decatur St. 12-06, Circle Bar." Just something to jog my memory when I scroll through it. I spend MAYBE ten minutes a week updating everything.

I guess this makes me sound like a total sociopath...? I don't know, I started it because I have kind of a bad memory and there were a few close calls where I didn't remember that someone knew someone else, so I started writing everything down. Just the act of doing that has helped me more than actually reading through the entries, something I don't actually do that often.

I've thought about moving it out of a spreadsheet and into an offline wiki, but then I remembered that I basically don't care that much at all and also the idea that I could set up an offline wiki, if such a thing even exists, is pretty much in the realm of science fiction.
posted by Ian A.T. at 4:11 AM on December 9, 2006 [2 favorites]


*backs away slowly*

Uh-huh, no sir, no problem there at all. A spreadsheet of everyone you meet? Sounds good!

*keeps hands visible, maintains eye contact*

A wiki you say? excellent! Yes, gotta keep those social contacts completely organised.

*disappears around corner. runs like hell*
posted by thatwhichfalls at 4:27 AM on December 9, 2006 [4 favorites]


Hey, thatwhichfalls, not everyone can have your natural social skills. I don't keep a database, but I do have an address book on my computer and my phone. Sometimes people are in as things like "Andy Tina'sBoyfriend". Is that so different? Is that so wrong?

Hey, where'd he go?
posted by imperium at 4:40 AM on December 9, 2006


Entry for October 12:
Took it up the dirtshoot from nameless airport bar pick-up. Filthy. I could feel my unborn child kicking me with contempt.

Spam recieved:
Tide was designed with mothers in mind.
posted by maryh at 4:50 AM on December 9, 2006 [12 favorites]


Morgan Fairchild on numerous occasions
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:56 AM on December 9, 2006


Notches. Bedpost. Sorted.
posted by slimepuppy at 5:18 AM on December 9, 2006


Or, in the vernacular of the day, downtown.

Thank you for the funniest thing I've read all week long.
posted by watsondog at 5:27 AM on December 9, 2006


I can't be the only person who does something like this already, am I?

No you are not. In fact, Andy Warhol was much worse. In his published diaries he would note everyone he met, where they met, who else was there, what they ate, and to the penny, how much money was spent. (Though I suspect it was in part to protect himself from the tax man)
posted by R. Mutt at 6:08 AM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


> Or, in the vernacular of the day, downtown.

Most people put it in Washington. Joe puts it in Baltimore.
posted by jfuller at 6:10 AM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


This site is no help at all for that fuzzy area where you're not sure if it was a "conquest" or not.

I use it to count all the women I've stolen panties from.

But the counters are all messed up because some of the panties might have never been worn.
posted by surplus at 6:54 AM on December 9, 2006


it's true, brundlefly. In my case, I used to just list their names on my user page. But people here complained, so I stopped.

I had the same problem jonson. With so many names on the page, even people on broadband said the page took too long to load.
posted by Critical_Beatdown at 7:03 AM on December 9, 2006


"Ian A.T. Complete sociopath. It was pretty late when he registered and he blanked on a name. 12-06, Thread 56851."

I keep my version of this list disguised as Lists of Famous Alumni on the Wikipedia pages of randomly selected colleges and universities worldwide.
posted by Partial Law at 7:10 AM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


Carrie Fisher, 1979, in the small thermal exhaust port right below the main port.
posted by sourwookie at 7:27 AM on December 9, 2006 [3 favorites]


Is... is that why you're sour?
posted by slimepuppy at 7:29 AM on December 9, 2006


I guess this makes me sound like a total sociopath...?

No, that would be:

Various family members. Names don't matter because, let's face it, they don't have any real existence or feelings in the same sense I do.

Some humanoid. 12/01/06, made a left turn in front of me, complained after I drove him off road and beat him with tire iron.

Attractive female. 8/06, met at office party, nice cologne; 8/06--9/06, stalked, went through trash; 10/10/06, gave it the hose because it wouldn't put the lotion on its skin.

Terrier mix. 11/22/06, in park, coaxed over with Snausage, vivisected, chicken-fried. Delicious!
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:39 AM on December 9, 2006 [3 favorites]


This service would seen require the actual knowledge of the, er, names of the parties involved. Far too complicated.

I'll just stick to being a legend in my own mind.

(It also reminds me of that Monty Python skit with the TV show "Blackmail" where they show the tape and then request that you send money to this address which is behind a waterpipe in an alley somewhere. Good times, good times.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:40 AM on December 9, 2006


It'll be great when this gets hacked and a big list gets posted somewhere.
posted by fire&wings at 8:01 AM on December 9, 2006


*creates secure login*

...

*weeps at blank page*


Why did they laugh at my Mighty Sword?
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:10 AM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


"Q. How do I delete an 'Entry'?"

hur hur hur...hur hur.
posted by howfar at 8:17 AM on December 9, 2006


This service is pointless. Whenever I need to research my sexual history, I just go to the weblogs of past partners and search for the keywords "throbbing +heroic".
posted by horsewithnoname at 8:17 AM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


The guy who started this site called into the Penn Gillette radio show a few weeks ago saying that he had "heard about a cool site", etc. Penn finally teased out of him that he was in fact the creator of the site, but couldn't figure out what possible use anyone would have for it, much less what kind of business model could make it viable.
posted by gallois at 8:27 AM on December 9, 2006


HEY lets try to keep the cursing off the front page, tom selleck.

I only do it to get your attention.
posted by jonson at 8:30 AM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


You can upload images too, from those really memorable sessions!
posted by SisterHavana at 8:39 AM on December 9, 2006


February 9, 1894: Mrs. Peacock, in the ballroom with my lead pipe.
posted by the_bone at 9:09 AM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


You can upload images too, from those really memorable sessions!

I wonder if they'll have a post card generation service, where the image prints on a post card you can send to all your girl/boyfriends! "Wish You Were Here [arrow pointing down]," etc.
posted by Verdandi at 9:09 AM on December 9, 2006


You forgot the "too classy for words" tag.
posted by jason's_planet at 10:03 AM on December 9, 2006


This would make a fascinating source for a SexChart
posted by Laen at 10:03 AM on December 9, 2006


Anybody do a search for "fava beans and nice Chianti" yet?
posted by pax digita at 10:09 AM on December 9, 2006


Today, almost everyone is sexually active. Many americans, both male and female keep track of whom they have slept with in either a little diary, or notebook. However, this has always posed a security flaw - "what if someone finds it??".

Well, MyBlackBook has solved that problem by creating The Internet's First Secure and Confidential Online Sexual History Tracker!.

By keeping your sexual conquests online in a SAFE and SECURE and CONFIDENTIAL place, your will never have to worry about someone finding your little black book.


Given the internet's well known track record for privacy and confidentiality, you'll be able to sleep soundly knowing that any bored 13 year old with leet skillz will be laughing his or her way through your list in no time!

Take charge of your computer-- and your sex life!

*dies laughing*
posted by jokeefe at 10:56 AM on December 9, 2006


Forbidden

You don't have permission to access /tags/step3:profit! on this server.
Apache/2.0.59 (Win32) JRun/4.0 Server at www.metafilter.com Port 80

Damn you!
posted by sveskemus at 11:30 AM on December 9, 2006


Can it use Google Maps to see if the locations of your sexual conquests line up with V-2 rocket hits?
posted by brundlefly at 11:34 AM on December 9, 2006 [3 favorites]


...up the ass

Or, in the vernacular of the day, downtown.


I was sure that meant something else.
posted by jessamyn at 11:44 AM on December 9, 2006


jessamyn: I didn't know it had a real meaning! It just sounded, you know, dirty.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 11:46 AM on December 9, 2006


I'm glad I could clear this up for you before you had a possibly awkward encounter!
posted by jessamyn at 11:52 AM on December 9, 2006


Though straight,I am wistfully reminded of John Rechy's novel Numbers.
posted by Tube at 1:52 PM on December 9, 2006


This bus don't go downtown. This bus only goes to the valley.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:54 PM on December 9, 2006


AHAHAHA! This reminds me... I had a boyfriend who kept a detailed Word document of everyone he'd ever slept with, what they were like in bed, and the likelihood of a repeat encounter. Actually, my accidental finding of this document and entries dated after we got together is why we're no longer a couple. "Honey, it's not what it looks like!" doesn't really fly when you've just read a detailed description of her likes, dislikes, and labia, y'know?
posted by katillathehun at 3:02 PM on December 9, 2006 [2 favorites]


Turtles all the way down writes "Or, in the vernacular of the day, downtown."

Actually according to George Carlin a better euphemism at the time would have been "up the old dirt road."
posted by clevershark at 3:14 PM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


I can't help but think that whoever created the site was going after the coveted "stupidest use of web 2.0" award.
posted by clevershark at 3:17 PM on December 9, 2006 [2 favorites]


It's been done before. Us gays are always on the cutting edge of sex & technology.
posted by me & my monkey at 4:24 PM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]


Back when I was doing a lot of sketch comedy, I came up with a bit called Fuckster, about a commercial for FUCKSTER, the new Who's-Fucked-Who's-Fucked-Who websire. As a prop for the show, I made a diagram with myself in the center and everyone I had ever slept with branching out, then whoever they'd slept with and so on. It got passed all over and became a little creepy, enveloping faaaaar to many people from Chicago's punk shows, coffee houses, and art schools for any of our comfort. I still keep it alive in my head but wouldn't dare commit it to paper again.

My favorite part came from real life, where after I'd made the list, people would try to stump me.

Becca: Connect me to Ramon in under 9 steps.
ELR: You fucked Chris who fucked Natalie who fucked me who fucked Nikole who fucked Pat-o-phile who fucked Ashley who fucked Ramon.
posted by elr at 7:05 PM on December 9, 2006


websire=website

Commercial for a website?! How dated.
posted by elr at 7:06 PM on December 9, 2006


Websire indeed!

Huh huh huh
posted by phrontist at 7:19 PM on December 9, 2006


What that site needs is a better name, like Boinkfilter or FacialBook.
posted by clevershark at 10:16 PM on December 9, 2006


Wait, if you record it all there, can you add a prospective sexual partner and find out if you'd slept with any of the same people? Tie it in with myspace and find out if you like the same bands, or if this person is BFF for someone you broke up with?
posted by Hildegarde at 9:52 AM on December 10, 2006


the idea that I could set up an offline wiki, if such a thing even exists, is pretty much in the realm of science fiction.

Welcome to the future.

We here at the future also have slightly less flashy and java intensive versions.
posted by IronLizard at 7:58 PM on December 10, 2006


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