Review Revue

January 8, 2007 8:20 AM

"I yearn for that kind of a backpacking trip minus the bears." "I was much the happy to know this man was tremendously eaten ferociously by the grizzly bear." "Not bad but not enough black chicks."

The work of these online reviewers may not merit their own special edition, but they're special in their own way. Doc Savage reviews 200+ items on Amazon, most of which he hates, unless they involve black women and/or Carly Simon. At Netflix, HV from Duvall is not nearly as prolific, but gets 5 stars for sublimely anfractuous English. And DJAkin over at IMDB has written nearly 500 reviews, although most of them read like Jackie Harvey's Mad Libs. He (or she) may not be the next A. O. Scott, but if you can find me a critic with a more sincere and unsnarked love of cinema, I'll eat my britches.
posted by sonofslim (27 comments total)

To be fair, in that 3rd quote Doc Savage is actually talking about a wall calendar, not Grizzly Man.
posted by sonofslim at 8:20 AM on January 8, 2007

He (or she) may not be the next A. O. Scott,

thank God
posted by matteo at 8:24 AM on January 8, 2007

The most honest film reviews in the world are at The Celebrity Nude Database.
posted by mkb at 8:40 AM on January 8, 2007

The prose is sublime, the fractured english makes a kind of dadaist poetry. Reading these review aloud, one feels the primal need to communicate overcoming the language barrier in some kind of clumsy but beautiful linguistic judo contest.

The blurbs are somehow enhanced by the unusual turns of phrase chosen by their handicapped authors; and the result is a higher art form than the typical user review.

Or maybe not.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 8:43 AM on January 8, 2007

"Eastern philosophy is merely evasion of reality, October 24, 2006
Don't waste your time and your life chasing illusions and semantic games. Experience reality. The world is not a subjective construct of your mind. Get yourself a book on Objectivism before it's too late."

Blech.
posted by nervestaple at 8:46 AM on January 8, 2007

I once read a very funny online article about Amazon reviews that say more about the reviewer than the movie, but I cannot find it now.
posted by Bookhouse at 8:57 AM on January 8, 2007

Meh, none of them are Harriet Klausner.

For one thing, they probably actually paid attention to what they were reviewing, and for another their reviews are probably more than the publisher's or producer's blurb with a few sentences added, some of which make no sense in relation to the subject.

But hey, Time thinks she's big stuff.
posted by watsondog at 8:59 AM on January 8, 2007

Bookhouse, it probably wasn't this, but it's what I was immediately reminded of. Hilarious one-star Amazon reviews of great works of literature.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 9:04 AM on January 8, 2007

I was hoping to see constant reference to Carly Simon in all his music reviews but alas it doesn't look like he's in the cult. The Carly Simon Cult, you ask? Yes, there is a Jim Jones quality cult that surrounds Carly Simon; I had no idea until I was clued in by a middle aged gay man I know who belongs to it. Here's a recent myspace bulletin he posted, you should read it with a Valley Girl's affect and all the s's as th's, not because of any gay stereotyping but because he actually talks like that:

"carly simon who is my very own personal favorite person on this entire planet is being held hostage by gerald ford!

basically, today her new album Into White was supposed to be in stores, not Tower or Sam Goody's, mind you, but one by the name of FYE which actually had a full page ad in sunday's NY Times. no small potatoes, by the way. anyway, in Philadelphia, which some consider a rather major city, the FYE store in center city had no clue about it and a sales clerk actually advised me to come in on tuesdays specifically for their new releases. well i told the clueless one it didn't seem like they had any new releases today on january 2nd. which is a tuesday which is traditionally the day all new releases are dropped in stores. except FYE in philly it appears.

anyway, since the US post offices are closed in observance of gerald ford, i questioned if perhaps that may have delayed deliveries and one clerk said he sorta thought he heard something to that effect.....the GM of the store apparently had no idea that his new releases hadn't arrive so i asked if perhaps he should look into that."

It goes on like this for another long paragraph that you won't give a shit about unless you are completely insane. He follows her concert tours like hippies follow Phish. I know all this obviously begs the question, "why in the fuck do you even know this guy, Straightener?" And the answer is, I don't even fucking know. I consider it like and act of charity or something.
posted by The Straightener at 9:04 AM on January 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

regarding game warden to the events rhino's link, I love The Great Gatsby, but this rings a little truer than my fondness would like:

“It grieves me deeply that we Americans should take as our classic a book that is no more than a lengthy description of the doings of fops.”
posted by felix grundy at 9:12 AM on January 8, 2007

Your HV from Duvall link doesn't work for me (requires a Netflix account?).
posted by jonson at 9:26 AM on January 8, 2007

The best reviewer, in my humble opinion is andy46477 on eBay. He lefts all positives, which confounded dozens.

Examples:

Rotilla is a GOOD name for my wife. Don't call her "Hey, STUMPY" again. EVER.
Reply by hammerjammer: I don't understand why this was left in the feedback section for me???

Dave3 touches my NO NO SPECIAL PLACE, but you respect other people's boundries!
Reply by dave2: This is dave2. No idea what this is, look at senders feedback for examples.
posted by unixrat at 9:35 AM on January 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

My favorite reviews on Amazon are the ones for things like milk... "There are few gifts I like to recieve more than milk. Whole milk too. That's the kind of milk that says that it's real. It's right. It's whole. I want that milk to sit there for years because that's what you do with milk. There's nothing better than milk - well except maybe radishes."

My current favorite reviewer though, hands down, is Garry Hixon (who also calls himself Cari Hixon?). At first you read a few and they seem somewhat sane... until he gets into talking about Cinderella & Danielle Brisboise.

Oh, and his review of Child's Play really makes me want to see the movie again to see what I missed... "Surround Vision/Mirror Vision. Orange mirror, red mirror, red mirror vision, red mirror vision/surround vision. This would be great in mirror vision, surround vision, child's play in surround vision-mirror vision. Orange mirror vision/surround vision, mirror vision's surround vision, I like mirror vision/surround vision a lot."
posted by miss lynnster at 9:55 AM on January 8, 2007

I don’t get it. Maybe it’s something that I never will: people who will write hundreds or thousands of reviews on Amazon, a company with revenues approaching ten billion dollars per year, and doing so for free. Me, I’ve written seven reviews, all for products that I think people should buy; my primary purpose in those reviews is to be an evangelist. But thousands of reviews?

Generally speaking, I won’t write a paragraph for Big Business for less than a buck a word, and I’m a fucking hack. People writing hundreds of thousands of words, for free, for a for-profit enterprise, boggles my mind.

Or are there that many people out there who are desperate to be heard, however they can get people to listen?
posted by solid-one-love at 10:09 AM on January 8, 2007

Almost forgot to mention, I hope Garry doesn't find out where Drew Barrymore lives. While reviewing a biograhy of her, after congratulating her on admitting she was bisexual, he had this to say: "... I hope this finds you well and happy, well Drewli my baby I am moving into my new apartment in 1 week. I hope I like it but I feel like I'm blowing it. I am nervous about it. I hope I enjoy it. I feel really positive about America right now and keep telling people to vote. I am glad were best friends and I know well see each other for real soon. I cant wait to see my twin in person, we are the real parent trap!(in mirror vision) I hope you travel everywhere with me..." Yikes. Restraining order for one?
posted by miss lynnster at 10:09 AM on January 8, 2007

From game warden to the events rhino's link:

The Sound and the Fury (1929)
Author: William Faulkner

“This book is like an ungrateful girlfriend. You do your best to understand her and get nothing back in return.”

I couldn't have said it better.
posted by Shecky at 10:30 AM on January 8, 2007

The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (1950)
Author: C.S. Lewis

“I bought these books to have something nice to read to my grandkids. I had to stop, however, because the books are nothing more than advertisements for “Turkish Delight,” a candy popular in the U.K. The whole point of buying books for my grandkids was to give them a break from advertising, and here (throughout) are ads for this “Turkish Delight”! How much money is this Mr. Lewis getting from the Cadbury’s chocolate company anyway? This man must be laughing to the bank.”

So True!
posted by ND¢ at 10:35 AM on January 8, 2007

solid-one-love, the irony of your post is lost on you, isn't it?
posted by dydecker at 10:42 AM on January 8, 2007

And what irony would that be? Is MetaFilter a big business? Is it profitable? I was under the impression that it was a small, break-even kind of thing. But, hey, if matthowie is making billions, I'll provide free content somewhere else.
posted by solid-one-love at 10:49 AM on January 8, 2007

I think the dydecker may have been referring to the fact that people on metafilter, such as ourselves, are also "writing hundreds of thousands of words, for free..."
posted by miss lynnster at 11:54 AM on January 8, 2007

I understand that, miss lynnster. That was slightly less than half of my point, which prompted my rhetorical question to him. See, I don't like to drink orange juice after I brush my teeth. If someone read that and said "I can't believe you don't like orange juice!" I would ridicule their English language skills in much the same way that I am ridiculing his.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:17 PM on January 8, 2007

The more you type, the more money Metafilter makes, solid-one-love.
posted by dydecker at 1:24 PM on January 8, 2007

That's probably the most specious thing I've read today, including the "Jesus Loves You" e-mails.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:54 PM on January 8, 2007

ching ching!
posted by dydecker at 2:31 PM on January 8, 2007

That Treaty of Westpahalia stuff must have made Matt a bundle.
posted by InfidelZombie at 2:32 PM on January 8, 2007

That's probably the most specious thing I've read today, including the "Jesus Loves You" e-mails.

I can't believe you would say that. Jesus doesn't love everything. He loves you! He loves you because you are like him and his dad. Created from his ISO image in fact! (no satanic make bzimage here!). That image is a refacto monopoly on god. God is human sapien. Not homo! Don't Ask! Don't Tell! So by defamation a Jesus Loves You email is as speciesist as it gets. I disagree with you but because I like the color of your toenails and your resemblance to a black Carly Simon I give your comment 5 stars. Very useful to me!. Would read your comments again. Fast delivery. Well packaged.
posted by srboisvert at 4:20 AM on January 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

i'm afraid of americans.
posted by metasav at 10:56 AM on January 9, 2007