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Things My Boyfriend Says.
January 20, 2007 12:07 PM   Subscribe

Things My Boyfriend Says. Not my boyfriend, mind you. I'm just posting it.
posted by maryh (88 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
While seeing George Bush on TV.

"Look at this shitsucker. Or as they say in Mexico, chuprakaka."


I am so going to use that.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 12:17 PM on January 20, 2007


Coors Light.

"If you gave me a car made of diamonds and blowjobs all day I still wouldn't drink that beer."


I like this guy.
posted by brundlefly at 12:18 PM on January 20, 2007


Reminds me of this site.
posted by clockzero at 12:21 PM on January 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


I'd be afraid to touch a car made of blowjobs.
posted by dirigibleman at 12:25 PM on January 20, 2007


Author should be writing for bad sitcoms like "My Name is Earl" or "Ugly Betty".
posted by wfc123 at 12:26 PM on January 20, 2007


This is funnier then it should be.
posted by Alex404 at 12:28 PM on January 20, 2007


Things my ex-girlfriend says: "Great, now I have hepatitis, gross."
posted by I Foody at 12:30 PM on January 20, 2007


See also: Things My Boyfriend Has Told Me
posted by EnormousTalkingOnion at 12:38 PM on January 20, 2007


Painfully stupid.
posted by delmoi at 12:39 PM on January 20, 2007


I don't get it. It may be this hangover, but I just don't get it.
posted by peewinkle at 12:45 PM on January 20, 2007


Way funnier than I expected. Would read again. A+++
posted by eyeballkid at 12:47 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


Hilarious and endearing. Thanks for posting.
posted by mijuta at 12:48 PM on January 20, 2007


Buy that E a MetaFilter account! We need him here.
posted by LarryC at 12:49 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


who loves you?

Megatron!

I have been loving this site for a while now.
posted by nadawi at 12:50 PM on January 20, 2007


wtf is up with 'things my boyfriend has told me'?
posted by nadawi at 12:54 PM on January 20, 2007


I'm pro this site.
posted by craven_morhead at 12:54 PM on January 20, 2007


Awww... he reminds me of Mr. AV. Who I am going to go hug now.
posted by AV at 12:56 PM on January 20, 2007


This "boyfriend" is like that obnoxious histrionic fat guy who is obviously overcompensating for his social discomfort and underlying lameness. In other words, a hipster or hipster at heart. If I had to interact with this guy on a regular basis I'd be like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
posted by rxrfrx at 12:59 PM on January 20, 2007


I was going to get all indignant about how this was just a poor version of TMGAIHAB which clockzero linked above, but I got to admit, there is some funny stuff here.

Robots and teddy bears.

e: You know, teddy bears and robots are mortal enemies.
me: Really. Since when.
e: It's been a few years now.


I'm with LarryC, get this guy an account.
posted by quin at 1:08 PM on January 20, 2007


Maybe I have low standards, but I laughed.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:13 PM on January 20, 2007


So where's the thingsastrozombiepostsonline.com site?
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:16 PM on January 20, 2007


Ah yes, more comedy skits to steal from.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:16 PM on January 20, 2007


the megatron thing made me laugh.
posted by empath at 1:24 PM on January 20, 2007


This "boyfriend" is like that obnoxious histrionic fat guy who is obviously overcompensating for his social discomfort and underlying lameness. In other words, a hipster or hipster at heart. If I had to interact with this guy on a regular basis I'd be like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

You're one of those obnoxious people that take jokes way too seriously.

/socially uncomfortable
posted by The God Complex at 1:33 PM on January 20, 2007


I love this. This guy reminds me of my most favoritist ex-husband.
posted by Methylviolet at 1:34 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


He's also French Canadian so he has an accent that's usually described as "sexy", which I suppose it is, but I think it makes everything that comes out of his mouth ridiculously funny. (Ever seen the South Park movie? Remember the mole? That's E. With the jacket and the attitude and everything. Don't tell him I told you, it makes him all scowly.)

This just caps it for me.
posted by maryh at 1:41 PM on January 20, 2007


*smiles slightly. Slightly. But not really for the site, but for the faintly remembered funny situation from the distant past, which the site brings to mind. Wishes for a MeFi account for the funny situation.*
posted by Kwine at 1:45 PM on January 20, 2007


From the FAQ:

Your boyfriend seems violent/to have anger management issues/mysoginist/offensive/hates everything. Why do you stay with him?
You seem to have no sense of humour. Go here instead.
posted by anotherpanacea at 1:46 PM on January 20, 2007


Metafilter: You seem to have no sense of humour. Go here instead.
posted by dhartung at 1:50 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


I like how disney.com is somehow the default link used to direct someone away from your site.
posted by rxrfrx at 2:03 PM on January 20, 2007


Every single time I blow a load anywhere on my girlfriend she says "Yuck!"

"It's just biology, baby," I say. She grimaces the same.
posted by four panels at 2:16 PM on January 20, 2007


To summarize: If this is real, it's kinda funny. If it's somebody trying to be funny, then it's incredibly lame.
posted by turducken at 2:28 PM on January 20, 2007


meh
posted by lisalisa123 at 2:40 PM on January 20, 2007


If my girlfriend softballed me this many setup lines I'd be this humorous too.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 2:44 PM on January 20, 2007 [3 favorites]


To summarise: If this is real, then it's incredibly lame. If it's somebody trying to be funny, then it's kinda funny.
posted by liquorice at 2:50 PM on January 20, 2007


To summarize: If this is lame, it's kinda real. If it's incredibly funny, it's somebody trying to be funny.
posted by grouse at 3:04 PM on January 20, 2007


Anyone watch 30 rock? that show is pretty funny. I didn't think it would be but it is an ok show.
posted by I Foody at 3:05 PM on January 20, 2007


To summarize: If this is real, it's kinda funny. If it's somebody trying to be funny, then it's incredibly lame.
posted by turducken at 4:28 PM CST on January 20


Agreed. And I have a Guinness riding on the second possibility.
posted by Ynoxas at 3:13 PM on January 20, 2007


That's a dedicated girlfriend. I've been meaning to start one of these for my realtor, who's a total nut.
posted by dbarefoot at 3:16 PM on January 20, 2007


I think she's dating Ryan North.
posted by anotherpanacea at 3:18 PM on January 20, 2007


There were some pretty good jokes on it.

Must be great to have your girlfriend start a website to share your barbs and whimsies.
posted by rougy at 3:32 PM on January 20, 2007


This is way funnier and sweeter than I expected it to be. It reminds me of some conversations between my partner and I.
posted by arcticwoman at 3:34 PM on January 20, 2007


Well, according to a WHOIS search, the site is registered to "THE GIRLFRIEND." Open-and-shut case if you ask me.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:41 PM on January 20, 2007


2nd the Ryan North theory. This stuff is funny.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 3:45 PM on January 20, 2007


My fiance said that I say things like this guy all the time.

Which is probably why I found him brilliant and hilarious.

Upon telling this to my fiance, she said her opinion is that I say things like this guy all the time.
posted by rfbjames at 3:49 PM on January 20, 2007


The key to keeping a relationship together:

Know what I love about you? No, love's the wrong word. Know what I HATE about you?
posted by johnj at 3:54 PM on January 20, 2007


If I wanted to hear some young woman gush over the things her boyfriend says, I'd go to work.
posted by Kronoss at 4:03 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


The antithesis to this.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 4:11 PM on January 20, 2007


e: Come here Mustard.
me: Why are you calling me mustard?
e: You said last night that I could.
me: No I didn't.
e: Yes you did. Think back, Mustard.


I laughed, I don't think it's mean. Thanks for the post.
posted by toma at 4:17 PM on January 20, 2007


Oh yes, and this is very, very cute.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 4:23 PM on January 20, 2007


I emailed her to have her ask The Boyfriend when the next eels record is coming out.
posted by Captaintripps at 4:26 PM on January 20, 2007


I do wonder if television created this sort of look at me act!!!, sitcomesque impersonal humor or if it's a kind of natural, stable end state that grows organically out of a desire to hide and avoid danger and be safe in the presence of others. Either way there's still no real humor on the net.
posted by nixerman at 4:37 PM on January 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


The original post is funny and cute, but this link posted by EnormousTalkingOnion is just, well, if you'll excuse the highbrow diction, fucked up. I don't lack a sense of humor, but seriously, telling someone (you are supposed to be in a respectful relationship with) stuff like "I'll cut off your clit and stuff it up your asshole" is fucked up. Especially repeatedly. Even healthy adults tend to internalize what people tell them if it's consistent.

wow.
posted by exlotuseater at 4:38 PM on January 20, 2007


The problem is, situational humor doesn't always work when written down and preserved.

Some of it made me laugh, though.
posted by mykescipark at 4:50 PM on January 20, 2007


"Buy this truck and PUNCH MOTHER NATURE IN THE FACE."

Brilliant. (^_^)

My wife's Mabelisms* aren't the same thing, but the spirit of remembering them is.


* Those interested in reading them can visit my site and follow /tea/mabelisms.php
posted by bwg at 4:57 PM on January 20, 2007


It's like Private Skippy but with more blowjobs.
posted by lekvar at 5:09 PM on January 20, 2007


I thought it was cute.
posted by kyrademon at 5:12 PM on January 20, 2007


I deem it cute. You mefites without the time for it need to lighten up a bit. Or perhaps you might be jealous that your partner isn't recording your witty lines.

Go one, drop some hints to him/her.

I won't tell.
posted by Serial Killer Slumber Party at 6:06 PM on January 20, 2007


MetaFilter: I'm glad you love me, because no one else will.
posted by pax digita at 6:40 PM on January 20, 2007


This guy isn't funny, and shouldn't be encouraged to think he is.
posted by notmydesk at 7:27 PM on January 20, 2007


To summarize: If this is lame, it's lame. If it's Wednesday then it must be raining in Norway and your Mom's vagina hurts. My guess is the boyfriend guy (E) is Jewish and therefore thinks he is incredibly witty with the verbal horseplay but is in fact a nerd.
posted by snoktruix at 7:29 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


This is kind of cute, but I liked Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About quite a bit more.
posted by heresiarch at 7:37 PM on January 20, 2007


I think that if these conversations are real, it's very endearing and sharp.
posted by gcbv at 7:44 PM on January 20, 2007


i know a boy that says things like that...
posted by simonemarie at 7:46 PM on January 20, 2007


This is cute.

I think my male circle of friends all pretty much add up to this guy. We'd get along well.

heresiarch, that is a LONG list.
posted by dreamsign at 8:01 PM on January 20, 2007


also, if he's French Canadian, this suddenly becomes a hundred times more likely.
posted by dreamsign at 8:04 PM on January 20, 2007


Thanks, heresiarch for reminding me about this great site which I forgot about years ago...I have some catching up to do, apparently.
posted by kozad at 8:36 PM on January 20, 2007


If you guys are fans of Mil Millington's Things My Girlfriend and I have Argued About, [linked by heresiarch and clockzero upthread], I would strongly suggest that you read his book by the same name. It's the same writing style, but a 'fictional' account. Instead of his girlfriend being named Margret, it's Ursula.

And it is, no shit, laugh out loud funny.
posted by quin at 8:48 PM on January 20, 2007


my verdict? ... funny as hell, but a girl would have to have a screw loose to deal with him ... nothing wrong with that ... they deserve each other and i mean that in the best possible way
posted by pyramid termite at 8:57 PM on January 20, 2007


Well, I liked it. I think that if you boiled down everything I said to only the funny things, I could have a site about me too.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 12:17 AM on January 21, 2007


The original post is funny and cute, but this link posted by EnormousTalkingOnion is just, well, if you'll excuse the highbrow diction, fucked up. I don't lack a sense of humor, but seriously, telling someone (you are supposed to be in a respectful relationship with) stuff like "I'll cut off your clit and stuff it up your asshole" is fucked up. Especially repeatedly. Even healthy adults tend to internalize what people tell them if it's consistent. exlotuseater

This appears to be the blogger.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 12:18 AM on January 21, 2007


So. Is it satire, social commentary, or something else? I feel really dense and stupid today.
posted by exlotuseater at 1:23 AM on January 21, 2007


Are you talking about EnormousTalkingOnion's link? Because I'm troubled by the same questions. If it's satire, it's the bleakest, most artless form of it imaginable. And if it's not... well, somebody call that girl's parents, or social worker, or something. Good lord.
posted by maryh at 2:49 AM on January 21, 2007


I'm not sure it's satire exactly, it reads to me as a bit of a private joke that he's this horrible abusive figure. I imagine they both riff on this idea and she blogs his more extreme comments. Not desperately funny, especially to an outsider, but not all blogs are aimed at outsiders.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 5:02 AM on January 21, 2007


Most of it sounds like bad, bad stand-up. If I was at a party, I would have to walk as far away from this guy as possible. Yeah, it's kind of cute that Shmoopie is chronicling all the cute things that Shmoopie says, but that doesn't make it funny. The "abusive boyfriend journal" is way funnier than this stuff.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:41 AM on January 21, 2007


Either way there's still no real humor on the net.

Well, you're the expert on lack of humor, so I'll take your word for it.
posted by jonmc at 8:32 AM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


maryh, yes, I'm talking about that one. Your post is funny and cute, that one is most definitely not. Although, now looking at this link to MySpace that EnormousTalkingOnion posted, I see that the author went to Stanford and then Harvard, and I'm wondering if the blog isn't manufactured and intended as some sort of commentary on abusive relationships. Not that a 23 year old student can't have a terrible relationship, but my gut feeling is that she isn't in one.
posted by exlotuseater at 10:01 AM on January 21, 2007


This is funny, and it reminds me a LOT of American Elf.
posted by ORthey at 10:24 AM on January 21, 2007


Funnier than I would have expected. Sounds like she's going out with Seanbaby. Of course, I have to wonder how it will affect the relationship, like if she'll start pressuring him to say funny things more often so her revenue from google ads for "DNA test for Infidelity" will increase.
posted by Durhey at 2:25 PM on January 21, 2007


Im 10000000 times more funny than Seanbaby. That site is more about me that that posour.
posted by subaruwrx at 4:08 PM on January 21, 2007


Overall, pretty funny, and I got a big kick out of parts of it. It's not Mil Millington funny, but then neither is anything else on the Net, and besides, Mil's site has been inactive for quite a while. I'm on his mailing list, but I haven't gotten an update for many months.
posted by diddlegnome at 4:58 PM on January 21, 2007


This is taking a decidely un-whimsical turn. How about a familial based variation on this theme. I'm Related to a Bunch of Morons.
posted by SinisterPurpose at 5:56 PM on January 21, 2007


SinisterPurpose, that site is fucking hilarious, thank you. The site in the post is pretty good too, but man. Vanessa wins.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 10:17 PM on January 21, 2007


My wife and I have conversations like this all the time, in both directions, and we're happy as pie -- so we must both be out of our minds, to hear some commenters talk about it.

The best exchange I've experienced, however, was from a girlfriend of many years gone by; walking out of a restaurant through the parking lot, she takes my arm, pulls me close, and nuzzles her face into my neck.

Me: What did I do to deserve that?
Her: Nothing, I needed a napkin.

Yes, situational humor doesn't translate when written down out of context, but that remains -- some fifteen or more years later -- one of the sweetest and happiest memories of my life.
posted by davejay at 10:56 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


davejay, allow me to completely fail to match up to the cuteness of your story with one of my own:

Me [to pretty girl in my college class]: So what are you doing for Valentine's day?

Her [thinking I was asking her out]: Nothing, I was just going to hang out at home...

Me [As ignorant of this situation as possible]: Me? I'm just going to hang out with my buddy and acknowledge how much I hate holidays and what it means to couples everywhere.

Her Oh, Ok. have a nice time...

[yeah, I was an idiot. Fortunately, days later, I asked her out to dinner, and then, half a decade later we bought a house together, then for reasons of insurance, we finally got married. I love that woman for so many reasons, not the least of which was that she turned me on to this thing that was the 'Internet'. And that was cool.]

/fears that she will come on to MeFi and post how even more uncool my Opening Line was...
posted by quin at 11:22 PM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


SinisterPurpose: I am now in love with that entire family, including the cousins.
posted by maryh at 11:23 PM on January 21, 2007


Uh, just goes to show, something or other.

I found that I'm Related to a Bunch of Morons painfully unfunny.

Me: Stop freaking out the dog.

Brother 2: You know, Buddy used to be a concert didgeridoo player.

Me: Really? Then why is he afraid of it?

Brother 2: Well, ever since that freak didgeridoo .iaccident, he hasn't been able to handle the sound of it.

Me: What happened during the freak didgeridoo accident?

Brother 2: It's too traumatizing, I can't discuss it.


Ah, the old "freak _____ accident" schtick. Never gets old. Wait, scratch that. Was old from the moment of conception.
posted by dreamsign at 12:23 AM on January 22, 2007


If this is the same site I saw a couple of years ago, it doesn't get updated anymore. Which is a shame, because it's kind of funny.
posted by etoile at 12:42 PM on January 24, 2007


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