Church Official: Straight christian men can still suck a _little_ c*ck.

February 6, 2007 9:44 AM

Haggard and his church have been taking Dan's advice. Except for the discreet thing .
posted by lalochezia (103 comments total)

Next up: the church allows bacon for vegetarians.
posted by lalochezia at 9:45 AM on February 6, 2007

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my c*ck.
posted by billysumday at 9:51 AM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh, good. If Haggard's completely 100% really really heterosexual, then he can go back to denouncing homosexuality. That'll be nice for him, he seems to enjoy it so much.
posted by gurple at 9:52 AM on February 6, 2007

'He is completely heterosexual,' Ralph said. 'That is something he discovered..."

"I mean, we were in the room together for like, twenty minutes and he didn't try to fuck me once."

Christ. I feel sorry for the guy. I really do. That level of denial is physically and mentally dangerous to a human being.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 9:52 AM on February 6, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Teh gizay cured in just three weeks! Praise Jesus.

Strap on the plethysmograph, boys, we done saved another tweaker from Hellfire.
posted by digaman at 9:57 AM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I just watched "Jesus Camp", which features a Haggard sermon; and Dawkins' program "Root of All Evil?" features a Haggard sermon and an interview with the man.

It's pretty amazing to think how powerful and well-regarded he was within the evangelical community just a short time ago.
posted by gurple at 10:01 AM on February 6, 2007

As we used to say in the '70s -- Yeah, he's straight... to the baths.
posted by digaman at 10:02 AM on February 6, 2007 [9 favorites has favorites]

"He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.'

Oh, yeah, I'm going out Friday to try get my wound healed too.
posted by sfts2 at 10:05 AM on February 6, 2007

He just fucks men to remind himself how much he dislikes it.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:09 AM on February 6, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

maybe his counselors were too ugly
posted by matteo at 10:09 AM on February 6, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I've heard the best way to heal that wound is by sucking the venom of homosexual love out, repeatedly.

Sorry, tasteless, I know. But this man and his church are just... ridiculous, I'm sorry.
posted by cell divide at 10:10 AM on February 6, 2007

Sorry, tasteless, I know.

Actually, I hear it depends on what he's eaten recently.
posted by cortex at 10:12 AM on February 6, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

I'll believe this when a certain Mefi'er provides us with the latest gaydar readings.
posted by 2sheets at 10:13 AM on February 6, 2007 [10 favorites has favorites]

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa. as if..aw forget it.
posted by hortense at 10:15 AM on February 6, 2007

I'd be willing to bet he was "healed" by some sort of exorcism of the demons inside him; not that we would ever get to hear about that. But Haggard has claimed that evil demons are inside us and make us sin, so he probably just had to get rid of them somehow to clean himself up.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

It seems pretty clear that the oversight board has basically told him to get the fuck out of their town and stay the hell away from the church. It doesn't seem to me that they really believe he's "cured".
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 10:17 AM on February 6, 2007

Yeah, and he discovered it through gay sex, right? Maybe he identifies as straight, but sorry, he's still very unstraight on the inside.
posted by taursir at 10:18 AM on February 6, 2007

"100 % heterosexual", huh? Thanks for a good laugh this morning. I mean, it's tragic, so perhaps I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it.
posted by jokeefe at 10:18 AM on February 6, 2007

'If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,' he said. 'We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.'

Imagines Haggard sitting alone in a cell, his counselors watching him through a one-way mirror, muttering to themselves ...

"There. See that? That thing he did with his hand. That look gay to you?"
posted by grabbingsand at 10:18 AM on February 6, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

It's pretty amazing to think how powerful and well-regarded he was within the evangelical community just a short time ago.

Ted Haggard is still very well regarded in the evangelical community. His leadership of the National Association of Evangelicals was enough to save the organization and help it again become the conservative alternative to the National Council of Churches. Although Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson claimed the organization is small when Haggard stepped down following the allegations; the NAE is quite large. Some of you might have heard of their Washington, DC lobbyist, Richard Cizik, who is a leader of the evangelical environmental movement.
posted by parmanparman at 10:19 AM on February 6, 2007

gaydar readings

Fellow New Life Minister Ross Parsley looks 100% heterosexual to me too. It's just a feeling of overwhelming alpha-male superiority that emanates from his eyes. You damn jezebel temptresses, lay off! The man has the Lord's work to do.
posted by digaman at 10:19 AM on February 6, 2007

There's something called Bisexuality. Even in the U.S.A.
posted by davy at 10:19 AM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

He's cured so we can move on. Wait, wasn't there also some issue about cheating on his wife, buying drugs, and lying to everybody?
posted by peeedro at 10:25 AM on February 6, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Ted Haggard is still very well regarded in the evangelical community.

What, really? All I know about how Haggard is viewed since this whole flap started is based on quotes from his fellow evangelical leaders and Wikipedia... what evidence is there that he's still held in high regard?

It seems inevitable that he'd be persona non grata now... if the evangelicals are somehow rationalizing still liking the guy, I'd love to see how.
posted by gurple at 10:30 AM on February 6, 2007

Why, o why don't these kinds of people breed themselves out of existence, instead of the reverse? Cruel uncaring natural selection!
posted by gottabefunky at 10:32 AM on February 6, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, he's straight... to the baths.

Bwahahaha!
posted by The Straightener at 10:35 AM on February 6, 2007

davy : There's something called Bisexuality. Even in the U.S.A.

I may be out of touch with current thinking in the church today, but I'm guessing that no one is ever going to pitch this idea; "Our church still maintains that homosexuality is the root of all evil, but look, he has sex with women as well. He's not gay, he's bi. They are totally different. One is evil and a ticket straight to Hell, the other is a consciousness opening experience that bring all parties involved closer to God"

Yeah. I don't see that happening. Though I would pay cash money to watch the mental gymnastics the faithful would go through trying to accept this new view.
posted by quin at 10:37 AM on February 6, 2007

From Ted Haggard's email to some members of New Life Church:

As part of New Life's efforts to help me, they sent Gayle and me to Phoenix for a three-week psychological intensive that gave us three years worth of analysis and treatment.
...
We are both planning on getting our masters in Psychology so we can work together serving others the rest of our lives.

Hallelujah, its a miracle. 3 years of therapy in just 3 weeks. So of course he is going to go to school so he too can effect such miracle cures.

(I guess Rev Ted's problem in the first place was that he didn't need any schooling to start his church.)
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 10:38 AM on February 6, 2007

if the evangelicals are somehow rationalizing still liking the guy, I'd love to see how.

He was attacked by liberal-secular-humanist-homosexual demons who forced him to do gay things against his will. Now that the demons have been driven out, everything's ok.

Still doesn't explain how evangelical gaydar could have been so wrong though, unless the demon had some sort of magical cloaking ability. Or maybe gaydar and jewdar readings got mixed up.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 10:38 AM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah, he's straight... to the baths.

HeeHee
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:38 AM on February 6, 2007

I agree with Armitage. The Devil made him do it!!!
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:40 AM on February 6, 2007

Yeah, he's straight... to the baths.

Yeah, he's straight... straight-up gay.
posted by grubi at 10:40 AM on February 6, 2007

of course he is going to go to school so he too can effect such miracle cures.

and work closely with men who are trying to suppress their homosexual urges.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 10:40 AM on February 6, 2007

He might move to Missouri?
That's it, I'm going back to Illinois.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:41 AM on February 6, 2007

I like how the first page of the church's website has an ad for a kit to "train" your kids to the Bible. Shouldn't we be "educating" children?
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:43 AM on February 6, 2007

Yeah, he's straight -- But his boyfriend curves to the left.
posted by wolftrouble at 10:43 AM on February 6, 2007

As part of New Life's efforts to help me, they sent Gayle and me to Phoenix for a three-week psychological intensive that gave us three years worth of analysis and treatment.

I wonder if these people are licensed as therapists. I sure hope not, because they don't deserve to be, I suspect. Actively fucking people up should not be considered ethical by therapists.

You know, I'm a 100% straight guy. It would never occur to me in my wildest dreams to pay another man for sex. It's not like this was a chance encounter -- he made a trip(s) from the Springs to Denver.

Methinks Haggard has a different definition of 100% straight. I hope, for his sake, he's lying.

The guy is not straight. He can choose to be what he is: gay or bi. He can choose to not act on his gay or bi feelings. But he won't be changing his nature, and the man is in for a life of hell if he is in so much denial as to really believe that he is straight.
posted by teece at 10:48 AM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

"his boyfriend curves to the left"

That sounds like an Air Force guy I knew years ago. How do cocks grow bent sideways like that anyway?
posted by davy at 10:50 AM on February 6, 2007

How do cocks grow bent sideways like that anyway?

Sounds like a good question for AskMe to me. I'm sure as hell not Googling it at work.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:57 AM on February 6, 2007

It's only when he's doing drugs that he's gay.
posted by mijuta at 11:02 AM on February 6, 2007

Haggart reinterprets Leviticus 18:22:

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. The missionary position shalt not be used. Instead, thou shall enter from behind, or offer your blessings from your knees. This is my body. Take. Eat. If thou lie in this fashion only with thy wife, thou art 100% Heterosexual, and art eligible for tax-exempt status."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:07 AM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I hate to be put in the position of defending The Douchebag Ted Haggard, but...

as much of a tool as he is, as much as I hate what he stands for, as much as I hate his hypocracy...

'It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.'

Hey! Asshole pseudo-Christians of Colorado Springs, heres your BIG CHANCE to exemplify your supposed faith!

Ya know, Christian Forgiveness® and all that.
It's what Jesus would have done.
Of course he'd have a hard time visiting one of your vulgar megachurches without rented security pulling up in a golf cart to shoo his hippie ass back past the property line.

This isnt like they care about his hypocracy. They arent mad about the drugs even, I'd bet. And if it was a female escort, he could have had his Mea Culpa notorized at any of the area Rite-Aids by now.

No, yhey're all riled up about the faggotry, and "healed" or not, Haggard (massive prick that he is) will never really be welcome back in Colorado Springs again.

I know this is pretty common knowledge to the point of being cliche these days, but this particularly noxious strain of modern "Tony Robbins" Christianity hasnt a thing to do with compassion, forgiveness or spirituality deeper than the "man I'm so pumped variety."

It's a social club for people that dont want to have their base prejudices challenged, while maybe attending a potluck dinner every now and again.

Fuck em all.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 11:17 AM on February 6, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind

I've always thought it would be funny if this passage, instead of prohibiting gay sex, was actually prohibiting lying (as in not telling the truth) to your fellow dudes like you might lie to a woman. Of course, it probably doesn't translate from the original Hebrew as such, and Haggard is guilty either way.
posted by SBMike at 11:17 AM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

How do cocks grow bent sideways like that anyway?

Watch and learn...
posted by docpops at 11:20 AM on February 6, 2007

I wonder what The Straightener has to say about all this...

What hast thou wrought O The Straightener?
posted by Mister_A at 11:21 AM on February 6, 2007

I'll believe this when a certain Mefi'er provides us with the latest gaydar readings

I'm not allowed to comment on this thread.
posted by konolia at 11:28 AM on February 6, 2007

"This condition is most commonly acquired at about age 55. A man can be born with curvature of the penis, though this is not Peyronies disease."

docpops, I must be talking about the former "phenomenon", not the latter. This guy was barely 19 and said it'd always been bent sideways.
posted by davy at 11:31 AM on February 6, 2007

I eat at Burger King once or twice a year, just to remind myself why I hate Burger King food so much.

Maybe Haggard is like that with men's anuses.
posted by quarter waters and a bag of chips at 11:35 AM on February 6, 2007

Goddamn. Why does it smell like catty, snarky buttsex in here?
posted by loquacious at 11:38 AM on February 6, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

He musta fucked twenty or thirty women right in front of us, and he didn't try to slip it in the backdoor even once!

BEHOLD THE POWER OF JESUS
posted by klangklangston at 11:40 AM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I certainly spend a fair bit of time examining ye old junk, as it were, but after fifteen years cannot recall many instances of naturally occuring erectile deviation. Perhaps they are all going to the chiropracters.
posted by docpops at 11:41 AM on February 6, 2007

He musta fucked twenty or thirty women right in front of us, and he didn't try to slip it in the backdoor even once!

That must have been the three years of therapy condensed into the three week session.
posted by cortex at 11:44 AM on February 6, 2007

Does anybody know why konolia isn't allowed to comment in this thread? Does the question belong in MetaTalk?
posted by cgc373 at 12:06 PM on February 6, 2007

There was a bit of a kerfluffle in a couple previous Haggard threads, is all. Not worth rehashing here.
posted by cortex at 12:10 PM on February 6, 2007

The kerfluffle I remember, cortex, but what prevents her from being able to participate here? Sheer discretion?
posted by cgc373 at 12:16 PM on February 6, 2007

I think it was an expression of wry self-awareness on konolia's part. Possibly with a hint of anti-exclusionist rebuke, which would be somewhat justified.

Independent of which, I thought her choice of words was very striking, even if it was accidental:

I'm not allowed to comment on this thread.

Note "on" rather than "in". So she is not even committing the superficial violation of her own assertion that the comment seems at first to be.

And hi, konolia!
posted by cortex at 12:22 PM on February 6, 2007

So, does Haggard get put "Heterosexual" on the "Certifications" section of his résumé now?
posted by faster than a speeding bulette at 12:29 PM on February 6, 2007

MeTa.
posted by Mister_A at 12:40 PM on February 6, 2007

I love the "lolxtians" tag!
posted by mrnutty at 12:46 PM on February 6, 2007

Nobody. And I mean nobody is 100% heterosexual. What does that even mean? Yes this is me saying this. There is no one 100% homosexual either. Except maybe Ralph Reed.

I have never had sex with a man. Nor will I ever. Although I must admit Viggo Mortgensen in Lord of The Rings gave me a very mild, brief, and yet disturbing squishy sensation down there. (It passed after I insisted my wife attack me dressed in leather with a broad sword. HAWT!)

IS there a man alive who secretly doesn't want to dance with his shirt off to Eurasure when nobody is around? I will show you a liar if you find me one, sir. I LIAR I SAY!

Anyway. Relying on what we do with our winkles as a judgment on what kind of things we will fall in love with is damned stupid. And I think that is what sexuality is - who we love.

Men certainly can't be defined solely by who or what they stick their dicks in? Jesus. 75% of American 12 year olds would be Cantelopasexulas. 80% of girls would be cucumberasexuals.
posted by tkchrist at 12:51 PM on February 6, 2007

Folks, can we please learn to spell "'hypocrisy" correctly? Please?

kthxbye.
posted by zoogleplex at 12:56 PM on February 6, 2007

The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Either way, it'll be a gated community.

/double_entendre
posted by LinusMines at 12:57 PM on February 6, 2007

Hippocracy.
posted by Mister_A at 12:57 PM on February 6, 2007

O, your MeTa link is cruel, Mister_A.
posted by cgc373 at 1:03 PM on February 6, 2007

I'm who?
Mike Jones,
WHO?
Mike Jones
WHO?
Mike Jones and I can't be cloned
2-8-1, 3-3-oh, 8-zero-zero-fo'
For heterosexual buttsex you can hit me on the low
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:04 PM on February 6, 2007

Sorry, zoogleplex.
I should have done more than a quick google on it, because apparently those people all spelled it wrong to.

On the upside, I think this should be the last time I mis-spell that word.

Thanks!
posted by Senor Cardgage at 1:11 PM on February 6, 2007

digaman: "It's just a feeling of overwhelming chipmunk superiority that emanates from his eyes. "

Fixed your post for you, digaman.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:13 PM on February 6, 2007

And now I have spelled "too" wrong as well, but that was just a typo.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 1:14 PM on February 6, 2007

<pedant>Do xtians celebrate xtmas?</pedant>
posted by Armitage Shanks at 1:26 PM on February 6, 2007

Mister_A has revealed that the MeFi background color is 69.

I must contemplate this.

On topic, um, yeah, right, he "discovered" he is heterosexual. See, the thing is, Rev, you can "discover" you like women, or you can "discover" you like men, or both, but since heterosexual implies *not* liking the same sex ... well, how do you discover this? Do you have the anal intruder come in and give ya a whirl while someone monitors your exception? Or perhaps a male fluffer's success rate determines it?

Just how does one "discover" they don't like the same sex, without trying it? (yes I know he tried it, but he said he discovered it on this 3-week jaunt...)
posted by Bovine Love at 1:29 PM on February 6, 2007

Can we please please please quit calling him Haggard? There's only one true Haggard, he of "Sing Me Back Home" and "I'm a Lonesome Fugitive" and etc.

Use "Ted Haggard", and kinda spit the "Ted" the way you would if you were following it with something like "Nugent".
posted by First Post at 1:33 PM on February 6, 2007

Shout out to cortex for the link I used in my phony callout. Yo 'tex what up?
posted by Mister_A at 1:39 PM on February 6, 2007

The ceiling, brah!
posted by cortex at 1:43 PM on February 6, 2007

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

'If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,' he said. 'We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.'

What kind of logic is that!?

How many closeted "completely heterosexual" husbands in the New Life Church are going to come forward to implicate Ted Haggard and themselves? D'oh!
posted by Quiplash at 1:43 PM on February 6, 2007

Um, that would have been "erection", not "exception" in my post above. What strange paths our brains lead us down sometimes.
posted by Bovine Love at 1:56 PM on February 6, 2007

How many closeted "completely heterosexual" husbands in the New Life Church are going to come forward to implicate Ted Haggard and themselves? D'oh!

Homeless teenage hustlers who have been strangled with dirty tubesocks won't be coming forward either.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:59 PM on February 6, 2007

cortex and ND¢ are teh noo gey hawtness is what's up, Bovine Love. It's in the source.
posted by Fezboy! at 2:03 PM on February 6, 2007

Ted isn't gay, but his boyfriend is.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 2:14 PM on February 6, 2007

Ted isn't gay, but his boyfriend is.
posted by These Penises Are Alarmed at 2:14 PM PST on February 6 [+]
[!]

Is there a word for when you mis-read a username and think it is eponysterical?
posted by loquacious at 2:32 PM on February 6, 2007

Oh fuck.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 2:34 PM on February 6, 2007

What's most disturbing about this is if Pastor Ted has been "cured," does that mean I can catch teh gay?
posted by maxwelton at 2:39 PM on February 6, 2007

As part of New Life's efforts to help me, they sent Gayle and me...

GAYle!

Coincidence? Me think not!
posted by ericb at 2:40 PM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Amazing. And James Dobson said it would take 4 or 5 years!
posted by ericb at 2:44 PM on February 6, 2007

...after three weeks of intense counseling he is now "completely heterosexual" and that "his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser" according to one of the pastors on that board. ... It wasn't a constant thing. If we're going to be proved wrong (about Haggard only having contact with Mike Jones), somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We're into this thing over 90 days, and it hasn't happened. ...

They're seriously just suckers--in all senses of the word.
posted by amberglow at 3:06 PM on February 6, 2007

Fucking pathetic. I know there are plenty of decent, non-hypocritical Christians out there but once again it's these asshats who define you and your faith. Good luck changing that.
posted by bardic at 4:09 PM on February 6, 2007

NYT: Haggard Pronounced ‘Completely Heterosexual’

On reading that, my instant reaction was that Jesus' General must have a new gig writing headlines.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 4:24 PM on February 6, 2007

Savage/Haggard 08!

; >
posted by amberglow at 4:57 PM on February 6, 2007

Christ was considered well hung, at least by the crucifying standards of his time.

Oh, yes. Je amuse, myself, at any rate.
posted by Haruspex at 5:30 PM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Is there a word for when you mis-read a username and think it is eponysterical?
posted by loquacious

Erronysterical.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 5:48 PM on February 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I love the "lolxtians" tag!

It's nice, but it really ought to be LOLXIANS.
posted by oncogenesis at 5:52 PM on February 6, 2007

I can't believe no one's mentioned that he's getting his masters in psychology from an online diploma mill. I mean, that's funny too. Let's be fair.
posted by cytherea at 6:11 PM on February 6, 2007

And you can see him at Hooters, ogling the waitresses..."
posted by zadcat at 6:24 PM on February 6, 2007

"I think that is what sexuality is - who we love."

I know what you're saying, but I think "sexuality" is the wrong word then. I'm not sure what the right one would be. Any better pedants and/or reference librarians want to chime in?
posted by davy at 7:29 PM on February 6, 2007

"What's most disturbing about this is if Pastor Ted has been 'cured,' does that mean I can catch teh gay?"

That's one risk of eating sushi.
posted by davy at 7:34 PM on February 6, 2007

I'm doubtful of this "sex addiction" thing. How can a male be addicted to sucking cock but be "100% heterosexual"? Are there lots of women with suckable cocks out there that I just ain't met? And even among gay men, how many cocks does one have to suck before one's judged an "addict"? If one sucks one cock 1000 times is that as good (or as bad) as sucking 100 cocks 10 times each?

I first encountered something called "sex addiction" fourth-hand in middle school, when the redheaded boys' dad was caught going down on a fat black hooker in his car in an alley in broad daylight in midwinter. (Yes, in middle school all these details did sound significant.) It was in all the papers (there were three there then) and local TV and radio stations. I'd link to information about it but this was ~30 years ago, before Web 0.5 or even CompuServ and the juiciest info I can find on the guy now is that he's a school board member and "freelance education consultant," whatever that is. (I think cocaine was involved in his case too, but got his nickname from his helicopter hobby.)
posted by davy at 9:03 PM on February 6, 2007

Perchance he couldnt find a chick with a satisfactorily large clit.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 9:52 PM on February 6, 2007

"How do you plead, Mr Haggard?"

"Absolutely, 100% Heterosexual."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 4:43 AM on February 7, 2007

Ted Haggard's "friend," was interviewed on MSNBC this morning and offers up this tidbit about Ted's rapid reversal:

Q: He says he went in for 3 weeks of intense counseling and now he's completely heterosexual. Do you buy that?

Jones: That's the quickest therapy I've ever heard of. Y'know, it's hard for me to imagine someone who is performing oral sex and saying that he's straight. That just doesn't jive.^*

posted by ericb at 8:12 AM on February 7, 2007

So he's allowed to suck a little cock? What about a big, meaty, heavy cock engorged with blood? Mmm. Bet that wouldn't cause trouble either. Unless he tried to smile while doing so, of course.
posted by paperpete at 10:10 AM on February 7, 2007

I think TDS outdid us all here:

"Well, you know how they cured him. Remember what your dad did when he caught you and your friends smoking out back..."

[paraphrase, at least].

LOLetc.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:11 PM on February 7, 2007

Paul Hipp's take on the Haggard Scandal and THE single best song title EVER: "Meth And Man Ass".

Enjoy :-)

Meth And Man Ass (MP3 plus lyrics from The Huffington Post)
posted by Quiplash at 10:17 PM on February 7, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

The smartest thing to ever come out of Haggard's mouth was Mike Jones' c*ck. ; >
posted by amberglow at 7:40 AM on February 9, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

on the "recruitment" canard--...For them, the recruitment narrative is so powerful that Haggard’s three-year dalliance with a man and his meth proves not that Haggard is gay, but that the "homosexual agenda" is so aggressive that it can recruit even the holiest among us. Far from encouraging them to denounce their vociferous anti-gay-marriage campaign as hypocritical and mean, it proves that the "homosexual agenda" is still very much worth fighting against. ...
posted by amberglow at 8:44 AM on February 9, 2007

snickers??
posted by amberglow at 4:47 PM on February 9, 2007