The End of the Internet

February 12, 2007 5:32 PM

Coach vs BorgesThis is the one link posts to end one link posts.
posted by cascando (66 comments total)

I just went to the backyard and burned all my Beckett, Nabokov, and Borges.
posted by cascando at 5:32 PM on February 12, 2007

Somehow, I don't think this will have any effect on anything else. If it seems like it does, then it's really something else unaccounted for.
posted by Burhanistan at 5:39 PM on February 12, 2007

This is a two link post, even though both links are the same. So you lose, sorry.
posted by Autumn Dandy at 5:39 PM on February 12, 2007

this is not a labyrinth, this is boob tube
posted by caddis at 5:45 PM on February 12, 2007

Buh?
posted by koeselitz at 5:46 PM on February 12, 2007

This would be somewhat redeemable if there were 20 or so links to other random "concept blogs" like this one. Maybe click around on blogspot long enough to find them then come back?

or just pretend that you did and go have a sandwich or something
posted by Burhanistan at 5:49 PM on February 12, 2007

This is the exact midpoint between Funes and Pierre Menard.
posted by Falconetti at 5:51 PM on February 12, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Nice use of the "+" tag. LOLDOBBER
posted by kosem at 6:02 PM on February 12, 2007

This is a joke, right?... seriously... and Dobber, like Screech, needs a sex tape.
posted by Benway at 6:19 PM on February 12, 2007

I really enjoyed this. Thanks, cascando.
posted by Kwine at 6:20 PM on February 12, 2007

I can't quite figure out why I like this so much.
posted by ericost at 6:32 PM on February 12, 2007

that cracked me up.
posted by shmegegge at 6:42 PM on February 12, 2007

I wish there was more of it. What a crazy fucking idea, an idea with true greatness in it.

Burhanistan--Go find a YouTube link or something.
posted by OmieWise at 6:42 PM on February 12, 2007

Faboo. I'd say something stupid about how "this is the new post-post-modernism", but I'm too busy laughing.
posted by cortex at 6:45 PM on February 12, 2007

Ok.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:48 PM on February 12, 2007

Funny shit. I wish I did that.
posted by Aghast. at 6:55 PM on February 12, 2007

I think we should keep our discussions limited to Coach. It might be the only thing left to talk about.
posted by cascando at 6:56 PM on February 12, 2007

As Mayor of the Altered State of Drugachussets, I declare this post: AWESOME
posted by mrnutty at 7:01 PM on February 12, 2007

Then the audience laughed, but not really because they agreed about the frivolity/commercialization of Christmas so much as the joke was well timed and took advantage of parallel construction.

posted by rafter at 7:14 PM on February 12, 2007

this is the part where a poster or commenter would probably say something like "[this is good]".
posted by exlotuseater at 7:19 PM on February 12, 2007

I liked it. Of course I still like the show too.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs at 7:35 PM on February 12, 2007

Metafilter, "...some kind of sassy chick drink in a martini glass"
posted by UseyurBrain at 7:45 PM on February 12, 2007

Everyones recollection of Coach seems similarly hazy judging by the comments on his site. Mine is. I have the same memories of Major Dad as well. An army guy with a moustache moves in with a woman and her daughter. That's all I've got. Hilarity ensues.
posted by meech at 7:45 PM on February 12, 2007

I don't get it. Why is this good?
posted by Methylviolet at 7:50 PM on February 12, 2007

As Mayor of the Altered State of Drugachussets, I declare this post: AWESOME

Only the Mayor of TV has such power.
posted by Falconetti at 7:56 PM on February 12, 2007

I don't get it. Why is this good?

It's a wonderful bit of absurdist humor, to write a blog about something you haven't seen or thought about for 15-20 years. I found it hilarious.
posted by mathowie at 8:08 PM on February 12, 2007

Well, there's me pantsed. I flagged it as noise. I think maybe I only grok the second-best of the web.
posted by trip and a half at 8:14 PM on February 12, 2007

Because, Methylviolet, believe it or not, not everyone has the same sense of humour you do. More specifically, this blog pokes fun at the utter vacuousness of written-to-order generic TV comedy (now several decades old) through the clever device of purporting to discuss a program that most readers can vaguely remember seeing about twenty years ago or more but which no-one can actually remember in detail, written from the point of view of someone who also can't really remember much about it. That may not tickle you, but it certainly made me laugh. It may not help but the key thing going on here is that this isn't really about 'Coach'.
posted by motty at 8:15 PM on February 12, 2007

I'd like to see similarly-themed blogs about all of those sitcoms that were on for a long time, but which seemed to have no fans. No-one ever talked about them, quoted them or really gave them a second thought, but on and on they plugged, season after season, year after year. Coach and Major Dad would be a good start. Wings. One Day At A Time. Just Shoot Me. Charles In Charge. Too Close For Comfort. Living Single. Dharma and Greg. Empty Nest. Family Matters. Head of the Class. And so on.

Upon further reflection, Wings would be the epitome of this sort of program. It was on for eight years, but I have yet to hear anyone quote, reference or otherwise speak about it, save to marvel at its singular anonymity.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:33 PM on February 12, 2007

Also, I'd like to think this guy is a former Coach writer wreaking his sarcastic vengence upon the show. Despite his studied nonchalance, he seems to know an awful lot about it...
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:41 PM on February 12, 2007

While I agree with your general assessment of wings, The Card Cheat, I must provide a counterpoint: I have often remarked that Tony Shaloub was the only good thing about that show.
posted by cortex at 8:42 PM on February 12, 2007

It doesn't make it for me -- I didn't even really get the point until motty explained it very clearly. And I laugh an awful lot at things.

If this is "absurd", it's really watered down from Lewis Carroll and Andy Kaufman. People really do spend a lot of their time talking vaguely about television more or less like that. If this was your next door neighbor talking, you wouldn't even notice.

It's the whole aesthetic of lame -- I simply don't get it. I love Ed Wood, but that's because his work isn't lame, it's actively Bad which makes it Rather Good.

It's probably why Seinfeld annoys me -- all the characters are pretty lame -- I just don't like any of them at all.

I want my comedy to be crazy, or fun, or ridiculous, or touching, or verbally brilliant, or stupid. This isn't even stupid!
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 8:44 PM on February 12, 2007

Coach and Major Dad would be a good start. Wings. One Day At A Time. Just Shoot Me. Charles In Charge. Too Close For Comfort. Living Single. Dharma and Greg. Empty Nest. Family Matters. Head of the Class.

/me shakes head. Such different worlds. I've been in North America for over 30 years and yet I've never seen one episode or as far as I know even one scene of any of those shows and I hadn't even heard of two or three of them.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 8:47 PM on February 12, 2007

You lie like a rug, cortex. I bet you had to google "Wings" just to find out Tony Shaloub was in Wings. Why must you turn this thread into a house of lies?

I kid, of course, and stand corrected. There's a first time for everything, and I'm amazed to learn that anyone watched enough Wings to remember that Tony Shaloub was a) on the show and b) good.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:47 PM on February 12, 2007

Also, I'd like to think this guy is a former Coach writer wreaking his sarcastic vengence upon the show. Despite his studied nonchalance, he seems to know an awful lot about it...

Or, perhaps, he is making up that which he does not accurately recall. Unless you remember enough about "Coach"[*] to verify the accuracy of his recollections. Or you're looking at http://geocities.com/SunsetStrip/001817/UltimateCoachFanPage.html[**] as you speak, in which case you cheat at more than cards, sir.

[*] In the interests of full disclosure: I, myself, remember that "Coach" was a sitcom about some dude who was a high school football coach. He often wore a yellow shirt, of the kind that would be a polo shirt if it was preppy-crisp, which it was not.

[**] Hopefully not a real URL.
posted by arto at 8:49 PM on February 12, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'd like to think these earnest discussions are what the Coach blog is all about.
posted by cascando at 8:50 PM on February 12, 2007

> It's probably why Seinfeld annoys me

I have mayonnaise buried in my backyard that has aged better than Seinfeld. It's painfully of its time, and that time has passed.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:50 PM on February 12, 2007

DOBBER! I swear I've seen this before, but it still would have been a fantastic one-link post ... except it wasn't, as noted by Autumn Dandy in comment #3.

I know one-link posts. I love one-link posts. You, sir, besmirch their honor.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:03 PM on February 12, 2007

Also, The Card Cheat, for slightly beating me to the "he's just looking all this old crap up on the Internet" joke, I hereby declare you my Psychic Nemesis.

*glares*

Also, for depicting Coachy McCoacherson in a blue varsity jacket rather than the aforementioned not-quite-a-polo-shirt, I hereby declare the eBay listing that is the closest thing to an unironic "Coach" fanpage I was able to locate to be my Psychic Nemesis Understudy, to be used when you are unavailable for Psychic Nemesis.. uh.. sizing.

And for not being easily turned into a verb, I declare the word "Nemesis" to be my Psychic Undoing.
posted by arto at 9:05 PM on February 12, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I did, however, chuckle heartily at this. And I like Seinfeld.
posted by arto at 9:06 PM on February 12, 2007

In Babylon, every man is Coach for a fortnight, and every man is Dauber too.
posted by infinitewindow at 9:07 PM on February 12, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm amazed to learn that anyone watched enough Wings to remember that Tony Shaloub was a) on the show and b) good.

not only Tony Shaloub, but Thomas Haden Church (Sideways, Spider-Marn 3) and David Schramm!

"His name was Roy! And he was hilarious"

*gets out of beer tub*

we should be careful. the level of inane TV references may make my sense of humor impode.

lets remember that USA showed Wings 4 times a day for 10 years. Captain Jasbo was a good friend of mine. we all have our vices, etc.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:09 PM on February 12, 2007

So, crap is king then?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:13 PM on February 12, 2007

Thomas Haden Church

Oh, god, yeah! The Bull Shannon of Wings! What a bunch of wasted talent, that show. I didn't really watch it, per se. It was just on sometimes.
posted by cortex at 9:16 PM on February 12, 2007

Cool! I've always wanted a psychic nemesis. I look forward to joining you in Psychic Battle, Freejack-style.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:19 PM on February 12, 2007

If y'all don't think that Schneider from One Day at a Time is a comic genius, then you have no sense of humor.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:21 PM on February 12, 2007

Well, alright. I see what you're saying. I guess it's just a little over my head, but thanks for explaining what there is to get.
posted by Methylviolet at 9:24 PM on February 12, 2007

I was actually complaining to my buddy the other day that it's a shame Craig T. Nelson doesn't have a CSI franchise yet. Like CSI: Pittsburgh, maybe.
posted by kyleg at 9:39 PM on February 12, 2007

I was just having a conversation at work about shows that have been on for years that no one we know has ever actually watched. This conversation was a little different in that it is a job where we are paid to watch television, so we've all seen these shows.

Shows like Reba. And According to Jim has six seasons in -- and wikipedia has just taught me that it's on the air in over twenty countries. The King of Queens is in its ninth season.

Future Coaches all.
posted by Bookhouse at 10:49 PM on February 12, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I like it
posted by django_z at 11:06 PM on February 12, 2007

My god, what a brilliant idea.
posted by equalpants at 12:07 AM on February 13, 2007

I used to watch Wings a lot as a kid, when I was thriteen I thought the chick on the show was hot, maybe she was blonde? But now I'm pretty ashamed because she probably wasn't hot at all.
posted by afu at 12:38 AM on February 13, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have vague memories of Empty Nest as well
posted by cell divide at 12:44 AM on February 13, 2007

I cant believe nobody's mentioned Perfect Strangers.
posted by phaedon at 1:21 AM on February 13, 2007

I cant believe nobody's mentioned Perfect Strangers.
posted by phaedon at 1:21 AM on February 13, 2007

Hey, what about Perfect Strangers? Oh... damn.
posted by damo at 2:45 AM on February 13, 2007

The humor here is hitting at a point that I would call 'meta-meta' (and no, let's not beat that long-dead horse about the etymology of 'meta'). In other words, there is the humor that was originally written into this series, and then the humor that is made at the expense of or parodying of the series or in fact the whole genre. And THEN there is the next level making commentary of the participants of the those second level humorists. It's a second degree integral! That's also why a blog that covered another series would not work at, because once you get to the second degree integral the curve would be identical, a repeated gag. It does make the jokes, I admit, somewhat hard to get and as a matter of fact the punchlines are completely absent seeing as it's so far removed from the actual 'first degree' humor. But then again that's the point, along with the small joy to the reader that can share an in-joke as an able comedic mathematician.

This hardly makes sense, but trying to explain 'why something is funny' usually doesn't.
posted by damo at 2:56 AM on February 13, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Is this something that you need to have a television tuned to an American soap channel to understand? Because I don't have one of those.
posted by No Mutant Enemy at 4:47 AM on February 13, 2007

all of those sitcoms that were on for a long time, but which seemed to have no fans

The raison d'etre of network programming has historically been inoffensiveness, producing shows that were basically a little better than changing the channel, or, god forbid, turning off the TV. Shows like Coach thrive in such an environment. As the television audience fragments, and as alternative revenue streams become more important, shows are going to have to work harder to attract an audience, and inoffensiveness will no longer be such a strongly selected-for trait in the Darwinian world of TV programming.

Love it or hate it (I happen to love it) the intensity of its fans, and their willingness to buy DVDs, is what brought Family Guy back on the air. I suspect its ratings aren't much better than they were before, because it's always going to be a minority taste.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:01 AM on February 13, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I cant believe nobody's mentioned Perfect Strangers.
posted by Kwine at 7:17 AM on February 13, 2007

I cant believe nobody's mentioned Perfect Strangers.
posted by Kwine at 7:17 AM on February 13, 2007

Also, I had a crush on the Wings girly also, and I am similarly afraid to look her up because sometimes memories are better happy than true.
posted by Kwine at 7:18 AM on February 13, 2007

It was Crystal Bernard, doofs. More "cute" than "hot" (especially once Farrah Forke joined). I never thought the show quite gelled, somehow, but it had a strong cast and of course they did launch the careers of both Shalhoub and Church. They were the Cheers producers, after all, and so they had the budget and the connections, and the writing was sharp enough. Ultimately everyone's talents were better spent elsewhere.

I don't know what the slag is on these shows -- pretty much bog-standard professional, successful sitcoms. They can't all be Cheers or M*A*S*H, you know. I think you have to get the premise of some of these, like Coach's sports milieu. I always thought Nelson was stuck in a show for somebody more like Gerald McRaney (or Jim Belushi) -- obviously aimed at the male demographic, but showing a guy who's constantly trying to compensate for his really milquetoast home-life personality by playing a macho/boorish/military persona in his outside life. Something about these strikes me as being a "small universe" show. Limited social circles. Sort of like Sartre's "Hell is other people" line.

Shows like Frasier seemed to understand this and run with it, others seemed to be fighting understanding it.
posted by dhartung at 10:14 AM on February 13, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't know what the slag is on these shows -- pretty much bog-standard professional, successful sitcoms.

That's the problem right there, really. It's not that these shows are offensively terrible or anything, it's just that they come off as generic filler, entertainment-as-commodity. The existence of such is more or less a mathematical certainty in any medium, but that hardly makes it something to strive for.

Shows like Frasier seemed to understand this and run with it, others seemed to be fighting understanding it.

I'd go so far as to say that Frasier jumped the shark when it stopped doing plots that could as easily been Three's Company episodes, and became a sort of half hour romantic drama with occasional punchlines--Friends for lamewads, if you will. I always got the impression that the early season's writers were consciously revisiting the notion of generic sitcom plot as classic formal constrait, kind of like a poet writing a sonnet or a musician writing a 12-bar blues.

In a sense, there's a tradition there that reaches back way beyond the mass media era--"The Importance of Being Earnest" was basically a sitcom plot, and I'm sure at least one of Shakespeare's comedies was as well.

Shows like Reba. And According to Jim has six seasons in -- and wikipedia has just taught me that it's on the air in over twenty countries. The King of Queens is in its ninth season.

It's probably worth noting that Reba, According to Jim and a bunch of others--that show where David Spade worked at some magazine comes to mind--seem to be generic sitcoms created specifically as vehicles for their titular stars. I have no idea who looked at Reba Macentire and thought "Family Sitcom #7", but somebody must have. That may or may not be a distinction in terms of Coach-iness.
posted by arto at 12:17 PM on February 13, 2007

Hey I liked Just Shoot Me, the first few seasons anyway. I'll see your Crystal Bernard and raise you a Laura San Giacomo. Now she was hot, and I'm not even into big boobies and stuff.

funny post.
posted by vronsky at 12:28 PM on February 13, 2007

I thought the blog was pretty funny, not revolutionary or anything, but worth a look.

I don't think it would work as well with other shows, because Coach revolving around three pretty-dumb guys (OK, two outright morons and one maybe-average-intelligence guy) helps make the joke about not quite being able to remember it very well work so perfectly.
posted by soyjoy at 1:51 PM on February 13, 2007