Some people really love their cars.

March 11, 2007 11:12 AM

Auto Erotica. Chris, 38, has a recognised psychological condition that makes him physically attracted to motors. (via)
posted by inconsequentialist (72 comments total)

Paging J.G. Ballard to thread 59348, paging J.G. Ballard to thread 59348.
posted by Rangeboy at 11:14 AM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

crash.
posted by exlotuseater at 11:21 AM on March 11, 2007

Gives car jacking a whole new meaning doesn't it?
posted by gomichild at 11:22 AM on March 11, 2007 [3 favorites]

Oh man, look at the rear on that baby! Come to poppa!
posted by NoMich at 11:22 AM on March 11, 2007

...and gomichild takes and early lead!
posted by ORthey at 11:29 AM on March 11, 2007

Normal is really abnormal.
posted by skepticallypleased at 11:31 AM on March 11, 2007

As if it weren't tabloidy enough, they insist on using BOLDED ALL CAPS for emphasis, so you know when to become shocked and appalled.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 11:31 AM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Here baby, splash a little of this stuff behind your ears...
posted by popechunk at 11:34 AM on March 11, 2007

Humper to bumper.
posted by jimmythefish at 11:35 AM on March 11, 2007

Why does this kind of thing horrify people? Sexual fetishes are quite commonplace.

At least he's not raping children.
posted by metasonix at 11:35 AM on March 11, 2007

MetaFilter: Not raping children.
posted by jimmythefish at 11:37 AM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

As an aside, when someone asked me recently whether I had seen last year's "Best Picture," I responded that I refuse to see any movie called Crash unless it features James Spader humping a giant scar on Rosanna Arquette's leg.
posted by brundlefly at 11:38 AM on March 11, 2007 [4 favorites]

nice.
posted by nola at 11:39 AM on March 11, 2007

Best (only?) good thing about the article, I learned a new word: ... unlike doggers who have sex with strangers in chilly car parks. Interesting that we car-obsessed Americans don't have a word for it (or use the British version).
posted by e40 at 11:46 AM on March 11, 2007

metasonix: "Why does this kind of thing horrify people? Sexual fetishes are quite commonplace."

Who the hell is horrified?
posted by koeselitz at 11:46 AM on March 11, 2007

One link. To The Sun. Consisting of "point and laugh at the diagnosed weirdo." This is good for MetaFilter, how exactly?

I'm beginning to think you're rather inconsequential, inconsequentialist. TRY LESS HARDER.
posted by loquacious at 11:51 AM on March 11, 2007

Does insurance pay when one hits it ?
posted by Jikido at 11:56 AM on March 11, 2007

In the Warren Ellis's Two-Step, there is a gentleman who has sex with cars until they explode.

Also, welcome to Fark.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:58 AM on March 11, 2007

I found his blogspot.com blog, his wordpress blog and his flickr account.

Quite the Web 2.0 pervert.
posted by tapeguy at 12:04 PM on March 11, 2007

I suspect this is a hoax, but years ago the Journal of Forensic Science published "The Love Bug" by J.C. Rupp, about an airline pilot who chained himself to a VW Bug, which he put on "auto pilot" and pulled him around in circles. He died when the chain got wrapped in the rear wheel and asphyxiated him.
posted by Tube at 12:04 PM on March 11, 2007

Heh.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 12:06 PM on March 11, 2007

Please to tell me where is "poosy magnet"...?
posted by wfc123 at 12:08 PM on March 11, 2007

Here's a short film on the subject.
posted by eperker at 12:20 PM on March 11, 2007

gomichild: Gives car jacking a whole new meaning doesn't it?

And "junk in the trunk".
posted by CKmtl at 12:22 PM on March 11, 2007

And "blowing a gasket."
posted by eperker at 12:24 PM on March 11, 2007

His weird obsession mirrors that of electrician Karl Watkins, who The Sun revealed was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.

Ummm, okay...
"KARL WATKINS, 20, appeared at Hereford Crown Court in February 1993 on five counts of outraging public decency: in particular, making love to pavements. Watkins claimed it was a case of mistaken identity, but he was fingered many times as the man found face down on the paving stones with his pants round his ankles. One boy told of seeing Watkins's bare backside moving up and down, while a mother said she was shocked to see a group of children gathered round him. He also attempted to mount an underpass. How he passed the time during his 18 month jail sentence is far from clear.

Watkins was back in court in April 1995, on charges of simulating sex with black plastic dustbin bags in front of teenage schoolgirls. He revealed a nine-year fetish with the plastic sacks, centred on the "feel and touch of the bin liners". He went out at night to spend his time in rubbish piles, and had been found in wheelie bins, and even in the back of dust-carts. His ultimate sexual fantasy was to be in a dust-cart when the bin bags were crushed. Convicted of outraging public decency, he was put on three years' probation and ordered to seek psychiatric help."
posted by miss lynnster at 12:26 PM on March 11, 2007 [3 favorites]

And "fucking a car."
posted by Justinian at 12:26 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, gomichild.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:41 PM on March 11, 2007

Wouldn't there be chafing?
posted by nosocks at 12:52 PM on March 11, 2007

"Pull up to my bumper baby..."
posted by Anything at 1:00 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Best part:

"I love all aspects of cars. Some people even like to taste mechanical fluids, but that’s going too far."

Yeah. Those people are obviously perverts.

No matter how low we sink, we're always looking for someone lower to sneer at. The question is, where does this guy fall into the Geek Hierarchy? Do the Slash Furries finally have somebody to look down on?

[Now playing: "Car Song" by Elastica]
posted by The Tensor at 1:08 PM on March 11, 2007

George LeBay: Her name's Christine.
Arnie Cunningham: I like that.
Dennis Guilder: Come on Arnie, we gotta get goin', huh?
George LeBay: My asshole brother bought her back in September '57. That's when you got your new model year, in September. Brand-new, she was. She had the smell of a brand-new car. That's just about the finest smell in the world, 'cept maybe for pussy.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:34 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

I do know a woman who gets aroused by cars and motorcycles; driving them, working on them, etc. She's a mechanic.

She didn't mention anything about actually having sex with one, but, then, it never occurred to me to ask.
posted by Clay201 at 1:35 PM on March 11, 2007

and "pass me me the KY I wanna bone my toyota"
posted by Skygazer at 1:42 PM on March 11, 2007

If I'm attracted to female robots (gynoids) does that count?
posted by squidfartz at 1:51 PM on March 11, 2007

Warm Leatherette

See the breaking glass
In the underpass
See the breaking glass
In the underpass

Warm leatherette

Hear the crushing steel
Feel the steering wheel
Hear the crushing steel
Feel the steering wheel

Warm leatherette

Warm leatherette

Warm leatherette
Melts on your burning flesh
You can see your reflection
In the luminescent dash

Warm leatherette

A tear of petrol
Is in your eye
The hand brake
Penetrates your thigh
Quick -- Let's make love
Before you die

On warm leatherette
Warm leatherette

Warm leatherette
Warm leatherette
Warm leatherette

Join the car crash set

© Daniel Miller 1978
posted by exlotuseater at 1:54 PM on March 11, 2007

Why does this kind of thing horrify people? Sexual fetishes are quite commonplace.

I don't know if the car thing horrifies people, but I think most people have an instinctive, "built in" aversion to any kind of sex they don't find "normal." That's why they have such a visceral reaction to homosexuality or other fetishes if they're not familiar with it.
posted by delmoi at 1:59 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Damn. I was going to post "Warm Leatherette."
posted by sourwookie at 2:01 PM on March 11, 2007

I really don't like this post. It's one tabloid article about a sexual fetish. So what? Ha ha, people with fetishes are so weird.
posted by serazin at 2:04 PM on March 11, 2007

Not an aversion so much as a larff. I mean...sex. With a car.
posted by DU at 2:04 PM on March 11, 2007

no larffs. tihs is seriuos!!!11
posted by exlotuseater at 2:11 PM on March 11, 2007

Of course, by the tenets of New Media Logic, everyone in here whom has defended the carhumper or otherwise said "So? They have a fetish." is obviously a total pervert.

So, let's go out to a club, hey? We can ditch these squares and go have some fun.
posted by loquacious at 2:44 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

I won't hump a Hummer,
put my phallus in a Pallas,
my dick in a Duster,
or bugger the Rugger.
The Edsel's grille
will not muster a thrill.
Neither Ascot nor Escort
give me sexual transport.
Screaming "Hyundai!" at climax
just ain't how a guy acts.
My dong in a Bongo
seems exceedingly wrongo.
Breaking Datsun's Cherry
ain't my cup of sherry.
I'm a regular bloke
and I like a good poke.

But I'd put my weenie
in a red Lamborghini.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 2:59 PM on March 11, 2007 [3 favorites]

Chris, who lives in the West Country, has made love to top motors including a Bentley Arnage, Porsche and Jaguar XK8.

Well it makes a change from buying a top motor as a penis replacement.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 3:18 PM on March 11, 2007

WGP wins 3 interwebs.
posted by Parannoyed at 3:34 PM on March 11, 2007

The machine of a dream
Such a clean machine
With the pistons a pumpin
And the hub caps all gleam

When Im holdin your wheel
All I hear is your gear
When my hands on your grease gun
Oh its like a disease son

Im in love with my car
Gotta feel for my automobile
Get a grip on my boy racer rollbar
Such a thrill when your radials squeal

Told my girl Ill have to forget her
Rather buy me a new carburetor
So she made tracks sayin
This is the end now
Cars dont talk back
Theyre just four wheeled friends now

When Im holdin your wheel
All I hear is your gear
When Im cruisin in overdrive
Dont have to listen to no run of the mill talk jive

Im in love with my car
Gotta feel for my automobile
Im in love with my car
String back gloves in my automolove
posted by psmealey at 3:39 PM on March 11, 2007

The machine of a dream, such a clean machine,
With the pistons a pumpin', and the hubcaps all gleam.
When I'm holding your wheel,
All I hear is your gear,
When my hand's on your grease gun,
Oh it's like a disease son,
I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile,
Get a grip on my boy racer rollbar,
Such a thrill when your radials squeal.
Told my girl I just had to forget her,
Rather buy me a new cartburetor,
So she made tracks sayin' ths is the end now,
Cars don't talk back they're just four wheeled friends now,
When I'm holding your wheel,
All I hear is your gear,
When I'm cruisin' in overdrive,
Don't have to listen to no run of the mill talk jive,
I'm in love with my car, gotta feel for my automobile,
I'm in love with my car, string back gloves in my automolove!

-- I'm in Love With my Car. Queen ( Roger Taylor ), 1975.
posted by ELF Radio at 3:42 PM on March 11, 2007

psmealey,

Drat!!!!
posted by ELF Radio at 3:43 PM on March 11, 2007

He must get exhausted.
posted by jimmythefish at 3:47 PM on March 11, 2007

That's why they have such a visceral reaction to homosexuality or other fetishes if they're not familiar with it.

In case this wasn't sarcasm,

homosexuality is not a fetish. A fetish must be sexual interest or activity directed at a non-sexual object or non-sexual body part.

Attraction to someone of the same gender does not constitute a fetish.
posted by pineapple at 4:03 PM on March 11, 2007

That's why they have such a visceral reaction to homosexuality or other fetishes if they're not familiar with it.

I don't think it was intended as sarcasm but I also don't think it was meant to be read as saying that homosexuality is a fetish. Or at least it doesn't have to be read that way. You could read the sentence as saying that people have visceral reactions to homosexuality and fetishes other than being attracted to motors.
posted by inconsequentialist at 4:11 PM on March 11, 2007

SHE BEING BRAND


she being Brand

-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff i was
careful of her and(having

thoroughly oiled the universal
joint tested my gas felt of
her radiator made sure her springs were O.

K.)i went right to it flooded-the-carburetor cranked her

up,slipped the
clutch(and then somehow got into reverse she
kicked what
the hell)next
minute i was back in neutral tried and

again slo-wly;bare,ly nudg. ing(my

lev-er Right-
oh and her gears being in
A 1 shape passed
from low through
second-in-to-high like
greasedlightning)just as we turned the corner of Divinity

avenue i touched the accelerator and give
her the juice,good

(it

was the first ride and believe i we was
happy to see how nice she acted right up to
the last minute coming back down by the Public
Gardens i slammed on

the
internalexpanding
&
externalcontracting
brakes Bothatonce and

brought allofher tremB
-ling
to a:dead.

stand-
;Still)


--e. e. cummings
posted by exlotuseater at 4:31 PM on March 11, 2007 [4 favorites]

Here in my car I feel safest of all. I can lock all my doors. It's the only way to live. In Cars.
posted by miss lynnster at 4:32 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well at least he's not a furry. *turns head in disgust, spits on ground*
posted by maryh at 4:40 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

yeah, furries are pretty gross.
posted by exlotuseater at 5:27 PM on March 11, 2007

I advise this man Chris to take note
of the Triple-A handbook; I quote:
Keep the lube nice and thick
While you're dipping your stick
If it seizes, that's all that she wrote.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:38 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Get a horse!
posted by rob511 at 5:51 PM on March 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Antifreeze, replied Chris with a wink
Is important to check, don't you think?
Whenever I'm boppin'
I take time to drop in
My balls and see how many sink
posted by Wolfdog at 5:55 PM on March 11, 2007

unlike doggers who have sex with strangers in chilly car parks. Interesting that we car-obsessed Americans don't have a word for it (or use the British version)

I have wondered about this for some time. The practice is clearly common in the UK and France (that Catherine Millet book). It's not just that Americans don't have a word for it, apparently Americans don't do it enough to have a word for it.

Considering the wide variety of kink it's relatively easy to find on these shores, should one be so inclined (as long as you don't marry it, you know), this is odd. Is there some sort of social barrier in Europe it's more important to break?
posted by dhartung at 7:04 PM on March 11, 2007

*cough* [nsfw]
posted by AwkwardPause at 8:00 PM on March 11, 2007

Thank god for the image ban. That was pretty bad, AP.
posted by popechunk at 8:20 PM on March 11, 2007

I don't know what was worse. The picture itself or the fact he doesn't really look like he's enjoying himself all that much.
posted by loquacious at 8:41 PM on March 11, 2007

It's kind of sad that he's taken down his blogs because of the Sun article. It's ok, car loving dude! Have no shame, this is the INTERWEBS! Quit your day job and blog about how you screw your Toyota!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:05 PM on March 11, 2007

From the link below that lovely image: "Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on!"

You know... sometimes I'm just so relieved that I'm a woman and that we don't even find a need to THINK of sentences like this.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:21 PM on March 11, 2007 [2 favorites]

You know... sometimes I'm just so relieved that I'm a woman and that we don't even find a need to THINK of sentences like this.

Well, we certainly don't need to think too much about sticking something into the exhuast.
posted by inconsequentialist at 9:31 PM on March 11, 2007

*cough* [nsfw]

nsf much of anything, actually.
posted by advil at 12:33 AM on March 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

I can't unsee that, AwkwardPause. You're pretty close to eponysterical, there.
posted by brundlefly at 1:37 AM on March 12, 2007

There was one room in her house that was always kept locked...
It was the garage!

I don't want your love
I don't want your money
I just want the key to your Ferrari
Don't want your bed
I don't want your body
I want the key to your Ferrari
I'm gonna rip it - shine it - rev it - scoot it - skid it -
jam it - rev it - skip it - gun it
Up and down the 101
Don't want your love
Don't want your money, girl
I said all I want is the key to your Ferrari

And then I saw her... she was a bright red '64 GTO with fins and
gills like some giant piranha fish, some obscene phallic symbol on
wheels... little rivers of anticipation ran down my inseam as I
kicked those five hundred italian horses into life and left
reality behind me: fifty, sixty, seventy miles an hour... my hand
slipped inside the belt of my trousers as we passed eighty, ninety
miles an hour... my hand slipped inside the belt of my trousers and
as we hit the magic 100 my love exploded all over her bright pink
leather interior... and at that moment, I thought of my mother...

Don't need no drugs
Don't need no liquor
All I want is the key to your Ferrari
You ruby lips - pa!
Your perfect figure - ecch!
I just want the key to your Ferrari
I'm gonna rev it - jam it - scram it - rip it - tear it - bare it -
ram it - repair it - scoot it
Up and down the 101
Don't want your love
Don't want your money, girl
I said all I want is the key to your Ferrari
He's gonna rev it - scoot it - skid it - rev it - skip it - gun it -
brake it - zoom it - vacuum it
Up and down the 101
Don't want your love
Don't want your money, girl
I said all I want is the key to your Ferrari
I just want the key to your Ferrari
(cause aliens ate my buick...)
-- Thomas Dolby
posted by pax digita at 4:43 AM on March 12, 2007

Chris believes one spark for his fetish was the 1980s cult TV series Knight Rider, starring David Hasselhoff and featuring a talking car.
posted by fandango_matt at 7:44 AM on March 12, 2007

Passenger by The Deftones:

Deftones - White Pony
Passenger. Rating: 10.00



hear I lay
still and breathless
just like always
still I want some more
mirrors sideways
who cares what's behind
just like always
still your passenger
chrome buttons, buckles and leather surfaces
these and other lucky witnesses
now to calm me
take me around again
drive faster
roll the windows down
this cool night air is curious
let the whole world look in





who cares who sees anything
I'm your passenger
I'm your passenger
drop these down and
put them on me
nice cool seats
there to cushion your knees
now to calm me
take me around again
just don't pull over
this time would you please drive faster
roll the windows down
this cool night air is curious
let the whole world look in
who cares who sees what tonight
roll these misty windows down
to catch my breath again
and then go and go and go just drive me home
then back again
here I lay just like always
don't let me
go take me to the edge



In the car yessiree, w/ the car, not so much.
posted by winks007 at 8:29 AM on March 12, 2007

Metafilter: we post song lyrics.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:02 AM on March 12, 2007

Takes pimp my ride to a whole 'nother level.
posted by nickyskye at 3:39 PM on March 12, 2007