At firrst you think it's an April fools joke: Cheney '08

April 7, 2007 1:06 PM

The New York Sun endorses Dick Cheney for President."For all the talk about potential candidates who haven't entered the 2008 presidential race ... the one that who would bring the most to the race is Vice President Cheney." That's an ... interesting ... notion.
posted by mojohand (80 comments total)

Yeah? And when the Bat Boy turns 35 I daresay the Weekly World News will probably endorse him.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:08 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

yea, we need another dick in the white house
posted by growabrain at 1:08 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

He's got a bum ticker. Besides, it's easier to break the law and line his pockets with the taxpayer's money when he's behind the scenes. He wouldn't get to have much fun.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:09 PM on April 7, 2007

Hasn't he already run the show for two terms?
posted by the_bone at 1:10 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

I think he's pretty much vehemently stated that he will be retiring from politics after this term. This will leave more time to shoot people and generally be evil on his own schedule.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:11 PM on April 7, 2007 [6 favorites]

The New York Sun. Don't quite understand what the profile is… halfway between the Post and the Times? Editorial stance of the Post, pretense of highbrow writing? Something like that?
posted by Firas at 1:12 PM on April 7, 2007

the one that who would bring the most to the race is Vice President Cheney.

Yeah, I'm not reading past the first "sentence".
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:12 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Godwin Godwin Goodwin.

God I hope he doesn't win.
posted by lalochezia at 1:12 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Cheney is definitely a uniter, rather than a divider. 82% of Americans find him unfavorable.
posted by psmealey at 1:14 PM on April 7, 2007

Cheney-Guliani 08! The Hades Riseth ticket.
posted by Firas at 1:14 PM on April 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

Ah, the Sun: another spawn of soon-to-be-convicted felon Lord Tubby of Crossharbour.

Excelsior!
posted by docgonzo at 1:16 PM on April 7, 2007

Late for April 1st? WTF?
posted by jokeefe at 1:19 PM on April 7, 2007

Dick Cheney has been completely unintrested in making decisions that would benefit the majority of Americans.
Therefore, I think that this is a very bad idea.
posted by Balisong at 1:29 PM on April 7, 2007

I am not familiar with this "New York Sun". Is it like The Onion?
posted by Flunkie at 1:30 PM on April 7, 2007

The word "endorses" above is a little inaccurate. The Sun says:

"This is not an endorsement, and there are things we find attractive about many of the other candidates."

It's still raving madness, though.
posted by imperium at 1:31 PM on April 7, 2007

I think they manage the deadpan style with more bravura than The Onion:

"Were Mr. Cheney in the race, it's hard to imagine that the president's approval ratings would not be five or 10 points higher … he has economic policy experience, having served as a leading tax-cutter while a member of the House of Representatives … By our rights, Lynne Cheney would make one of the greatest First Ladies in history."

The BushCo & Lackeys crew won't quit until satirists are truly out of business.
posted by Firas at 1:33 PM on April 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

there are things we find attractive about many of the other candidates

For example, many of the other candidates are not Dick Cheney.
posted by Flunkie at 1:34 PM on April 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

Having Cheney run as the Republican candidate would be the best way to guarantee a Clinton landslide victory.

Pick Dick in 08!
posted by oddman at 1:51 PM on April 7, 2007

I'm tempted to get a Sun subscription just so I can cancel it.
posted by rolypolyman at 1:56 PM on April 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

I wish that he would run -- experienced, principled, etc -- but his health probably precludes such, unfortunately.
posted by davidmsc at 2:00 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Maybe they should try "The one whom that which who would may can bring?"

And that's an editorial? Writen by editors, presumably?
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:01 PM on April 7, 2007

Yeah, if gutting the capitalist system for short term favoritism is principle, and successfully being a rampantly murderous asshole is experience.
posted by Firas at 2:03 PM on April 7, 2007

Firas, everybody knows big gummint don't work. Cheney's proving it in spades.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:07 PM on April 7, 2007

Cheney in '08: He's secure and undisclosed
posted by mosk at 2:13 PM on April 7, 2007

Condi Rice has a better chance of winning than Dick Cheney.
posted by fenriq at 2:19 PM on April 7, 2007

> I am not familiar with this "New York Sun". Is it like The Onion?

Not deliberately, no.
posted by ardgedee at 2:23 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

He's got the Limbaugh vote.
posted by homunculus at 2:24 PM on April 7, 2007

The Sun is a money pit serving exclusively as a mouthpiece for its owner's insane right-wing views (this being a good case in point). They are dishonoring the name and logo of a fine old paper that folded in the '60s; the one good thing they did was to print, in their first issue (which I bought out of curiosity), the solution to the crossword puzzle from the last issue of the old paper. That's classy. Otherwise, it's a piece of shit.
posted by languagehat at 2:38 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: Crossword not included.
posted by phaedon at 2:40 PM on April 7, 2007

That would be so rad if he ran. Democrats would be sure to take it all, right after, when on the trail, he feasts on the heart of a infant.
posted by impolitic at 2:41 PM on April 7, 2007

New York Sun is a conservative rag in NYC.
posted by impolitic at 2:41 PM on April 7, 2007

Do you know who else thought Hitler had a certian style and flair in his governing style?

DICK CHENEY!
posted by Balisong at 2:47 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Also, how could he take the oath of office without being under oath? Could he plead the fifth?
posted by Balisong at 2:50 PM on April 7, 2007

Cheney is a creep.
posted by kalimotxero at 2:55 PM on April 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

Don't you have to at least technically be alive to be allowed to be president
posted by wigu at 2:56 PM on April 7, 2007

Yeah see I nominate my right... er... thumb for president. Hell, my aggressive short tempered rabbit would make a better president then Dickie boy
posted by edgeways at 3:09 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

aggressive short tempered rabbit

It has my vote already.
posted by IronLizard at 3:11 PM on April 7, 2007

i hope he does run ... because anyone from a dead donkey to kibbles, the clown with a doggie brain has an excellent chance of beating him
posted by pyramid termite at 3:14 PM on April 7, 2007

Ex-Donkey/Dog-brain clown 08!
posted by Balisong at 3:16 PM on April 7, 2007

davidmsc:

I wish that he would run -- experienced, principled, etc

Who are you referring to?
posted by Flunkie at 3:20 PM on April 7, 2007

Bring the most what to the race? Underhanded dealings? Improper handlings of natural disasters? Drunken shootings of septuagenarians?
posted by Soliloquy at 3:20 PM on April 7, 2007

Single link post from the fucking New York Sun?

Oh, well... I guess it was worth it just for davidmsc to call himself out gain.
posted by Tommy Gnosis at 3:23 PM on April 7, 2007

Cheney is definitely a uniter, rather than a divider. 82% of Americans find him unfavorable.

Ironically, this makes Mr. Cheney 7% less popular than Michael Jackson, and 11% less popular than O.J. Simpson.
posted by EarBucket at 3:39 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Where's the batshitinsane tag?
posted by jefbla at 3:40 PM on April 7, 2007

Who better to smash capitalism and sink the plutocratic state than Dick Cheney!

Cheney '08
posted by geos at 3:48 PM on April 7, 2007

Cheney '08, campaign poster.
posted by Firas at 4:01 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, Dick my Dick lead us not into temptation!
posted by MapGuy at 4:03 PM on April 7, 2007

this makes Mr. Cheney 7% less popular than Michael Jackson, and 11% less popular than O.J. Simpson.

If I had to vote for one of three candidates to be President of the United States, and all I knew about them were that one was a child molester, another was a murderer, and a third was Dick Cheney, I'm pretty sure that my first choice would be the child molester, and my second the murderer.

I think that the average child molester and the average murderer would be in a far weaker position to subvert the very basis of our democracy than Dick Cheney would, not to mention be less inclined to do so.
posted by Flunkie at 4:08 PM on April 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

Cheney couldn't take the press attention...it's hard to win an election when you go out of your way to always avoid the press.
posted by UseyurBrain at 4:11 PM on April 7, 2007

Never mind the fact that, despite being a freak of imponderable proportions, Michael Jackson made some bad-ass records.
posted by fingers_of_fire at 4:15 PM on April 7, 2007

"Vote Cheney '08, or he'll SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE."
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:33 PM on April 7, 2007 [5 favorites]

FOUR MORE YEARS

*pulls out some rope*

FOUR MORE YEARS

*makes a noose*

FOUR MORE YEARS

*stuffs the head of Uncle Sam into the noose*

FOUR MORE YEARS

*pulls the lever*

FOUR MORE YEARS

*USA ceases to exist*

FOUR MORE YEARS
posted by ZachsMind at 4:57 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Never mind the fact that, despite being saddled with a a freak of imponderable proportions, Berry Gordy, and then Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson made some bad-ass Michael Jackson records.

Fixed that for you.
posted by box at 4:59 PM on April 7, 2007

The Sun also indulges in the reprehensible and dishonest practice of including in their claimed circulation figures the tens of thousands of Manhattanites with Jewish-sounding surnames who receive complimentary copies every morning - this on the theory that we stand a good chance of being as rabidly Zionist as the publishers.

I derive great amusement and satisfaction from shitcanning whatever copies should happen to blow my way. Sadly, the amusement fades when I think that my little gesture changes nothing - I've already been rolled up into their circ figures, and the trees can't be brought back to life.

Bottom line: fuck the Sun in the eye.
posted by adamgreenfield at 5:06 PM on April 7, 2007

Why settle for Cheney? There are many equally principled candidates. Even if we only include the ones not serving life sentences for their principals I'm sure we can at least find one who's got a better ticker.
posted by substrate at 5:15 PM on April 7, 2007

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: zombie Barry Goldwater in '08.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 5:43 PM on April 7, 2007

No way dude, coz he'd lose in a landslide, zombie Johnson will lose the South, and we'll have to deal with Zombie Nixon and Forgetful Zombie Reagan.
posted by Firas at 5:56 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Also? Their home page has a faulty grid-based design that annoys the hell out of me.

And hell no to zombie Goldwater. He's a frikkin' zombie hippie.
posted by dw at 6:00 PM on April 7, 2007

Never mind the fact that, despite being saddled with a a freak of imponderable proportions, Berry Gordy, and then Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson made some bad-ass Michael Jackson records.


[name of famous artist] isn't really responsible for the quality of his/her recordings, [name of slightly less famous producer/songwriter/influencing musician] actually is. I believe this absurd-at-face-value statement makes me sound hip.

Fixed that for you.
posted by drjimmy11 at 6:24 PM on April 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

01.20.09 -- The End of an Error!
posted by ericb at 7:36 PM on April 7, 2007

Dick Cheney...before he dicks you.
posted by kirkaracha at 8:02 PM on April 7, 2007

What about zombie McGovern? Oh, it hasn't managed to get out of the grave...
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 8:15 PM on April 7, 2007

Michael Jackson sucks. Quincy Jones rocks.

There. Fixed that for you.
posted by ZachsMind at 8:36 PM on April 7, 2007

He should run for antipresident. Of course, we'll have to change our Constitution. An antipresident would only assume the office of president if every other American died.
posted by geekhorde at 9:01 PM on April 7, 2007 [4 favorites]

I can't believe they actually fucking used this picture. This site truly is 5 dollars of bad.
posted by tehloki at 11:02 PM on April 7, 2007

He should run for antipresident. Of course, we'll have to change our Constitution. An antipresident would only assume the office of president if every other American died.

Don't give him any ideas. The man is armed and not afraid to shoot you in the face.
posted by Brak at 11:38 PM on April 7, 2007

Dick Cheney-- His soul may look like this, but his heart looks like this!
You Try Bein' This Nasty- You Will Fail
Cheney '08
posted by maryh at 12:37 AM on April 8, 2007

('heart' should have been this, but I think it works anyway.)
posted by maryh at 12:43 AM on April 8, 2007

Do you know who else was experienced and principled? Do you?!

Damn, there should be a Godwin Law equivalent for Cheney. "Do you know who else shot his friends in the face?"
posted by Skeptic at 2:42 AM on April 8, 2007

He should run for antipresident.

He already had a good shot at the post of Antichrist...
posted by Skeptic at 2:45 AM on April 8, 2007

It's still raving madness, though.

Madness?

This! Is! AProjectForANewAmericanCentury!
posted by Remy at 5:48 AM on April 8, 2007

My god, kalimotxero, that video is hilarious. For folks who haven't seen it, it starts as a tight shot of Cheney then pulls back and back and back to finally show him lurking behind faraway bushes while Bush is giving a speech, outside the White House, presumably. What a creep.

The Sun also indulges in the reprehensible and dishonest practice of including in their claimed circulation figures the tens of thousands of Manhattanites with Jewish-sounding surnames who receive complimentary copies every morning - this on the theory that we stand a good chance of being as rabidly Zionist as the publishers.

Wow. There was a big scandal a couple of years ago where other newspapers got caught inflating their circ with similar giveaways. I thought most of them stopped after that, or at least counted giveaway papers separately. If the Sun's really still doing that, they're total assholes.
posted by mediareport at 7:47 AM on April 8, 2007

The Sun is a money pit serving exclusively as a mouthpiece for its owner's insane right-wing views (this being a good case in point).

Sounds like the Post, only with pretensions to good writing.
posted by hell toupee at 9:09 AM on April 8, 2007

Sounds like the Post, only with pretensions to good writing.

In a sense, except the Post is a real newspaper (however repellent its current political line) that is genuinely popular and even (if I remember correctly) turns a profit. The Sun is literally nothing more than a mouthpiece; I doubt if there's a single person in the universe who actually uses it as a source of news.
posted by languagehat at 9:31 AM on April 8, 2007

Five deferments, other priorities Cheney? Earning a paycheck from a company he was assigning no-bid contracts to Dick Cheney? Setting up a stove-pipe of phony intelligence to sell a war on false pretenses Dick? Still claiming that Saddam and AQ were in bed Cheney? Shooting his friend in the face Dick? College drop out Dick Cheney? Less popular than George W. Bush, who is on the verge of being the most unpopular president in recorded US polling history, that Dick Cheney? Burned every political bridge he had Dick Cheney? Limp toad in front of a camera Cheney?

That Dick Cheney?

Amen, Dick, run. Destroy the Republican party.

davidmsc: please share your drugs with the rest of us. They must be good.
posted by teece at 1:01 PM on April 8, 2007

Cheney is a creep.

He's just keeping an eye on the kid.
posted by homunculus at 5:59 PM on April 8, 2007

Halliburton Pulls Out of Iran: But...
posted by homunculus at 9:38 PM on April 10, 2007

The People v. Richard Cheney: GQ makes the case for impeachment.
posted by kirkaracha at 2:56 PM on April 11, 2007

More AutoSatire:

The first lady will read the story of a duck who takes over the farm, then runs for governor, and then runs for the White House. He wins after a recount, but Duck gives it all up to go back to the farm. The duck concludes, “Running a country is no fun at all.” [...]

According to the book’s publisher, “President Duck,” who didn’t realize being president would require a lot of “very hard work,” ends up with “a very bad headache” before passing his duties off to his Vice President.

posted by Firas at 11:03 PM on April 11, 2007

Articles of Impeachment To Be Filed On Cheney
posted by homunculus at 11:50 AM on April 17, 2007