It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark

April 16, 2007 12:06 AM

Michael Jackson is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert [firing laser beams!] , according to reports.
posted by Artifice_Eternity (88 comments total)

The original story at the NY Daily News says Macca wants to invest.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 12:07 AM on April 16, 2007

How long until "Fat Michael" is found face down in a pool of vomit next to his toilet?
posted by C.Batt at 12:13 AM on April 16, 2007

What 50-foot robot Jackson does in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
posted by Rhomboid at 12:13 AM on April 16, 2007 [5 favorites]

This is not going to be an earthshatteringly original opinion, but Michael Jackson continues to be the world's foremost example of unchecked hubris in the pop culture vortex. Quite an archetype for the ages.
posted by Firas at 12:14 AM on April 16, 2007

He's already a robotic replica of himself.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:14 AM on April 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

How long until "Fat Michael" is found face down in a pool of vomit next to his toilet?

Not soon enough.
posted by puke & cry at 12:14 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Firas: Agreed. He will likely fascinate people for centuries to come.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 12:15 AM on April 16, 2007

Didn't Nostadamus write a quatrain or sumthin' about this?
posted by maryh at 12:16 AM on April 16, 2007

Haha. It wasn't Nostradamus, but that poem is exactly what came to mind.

Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command [...]
"Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

posted by Firas at 12:19 AM on April 16, 2007 [6 favorites]

posted by Artifice_Eternity at 12:20 AM on April 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

Nice, Firas! Sums it up!
posted by maryh at 12:21 AM on April 16, 2007

Oops -- I forgot, no more inline images.

Anyway, I think he's had this idea for a while now.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 12:23 AM on April 16, 2007

8-year olds, dude.
posted by jimmythefish at 12:30 AM on April 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

Watch out, robot children!
posted by imperium at 12:43 AM on April 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

Yes, he's had this idea for a long while now.
posted by squidfartz at 12:56 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

The more I think about this, the more I like it. But there should be a whole army of 50 ft. laser shooting robots stomping around the desert. I'd like to see Gore Vidal vs. Sharri Lewis vs. that God Warrior Woman vs. Taylor Negron vs. Moms Mabley vs. the Nelson Twins vs. Robot Iggy... The more the better. Because as it is now, the drive in to Vegas is deadly dull.
posted by maryh at 12:57 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well come on, I mean who wouldn't want a 50-foot laser beam shooting robotic replica of themselves to roam the Las Vegas desert? I mean, duh.
posted by tula at 12:59 AM on April 16, 2007

I need to go be productive, but a random brain dump: the reason I said he's an archetype is that, before the 20^th C., you really didn't have the sort of technologies of mass culture that the MJ-style celebrities are created in (stadium shows, albums, MTV, &c.—neither the artifact-cross-over nor the mass-media-distribution were really around for, say, Twain.) If you wanted to be crazy, insane, splash your ego across the world, you had to pretty much be a master at your craft or be a sort of politician/military leader. But the world of pop culture allows you to make the 'impact' of your identity more and more intense while keeping your transformative effect virtually nonexistent.

One thing I don't get about him (and a reason 'hubris' is probably the wrong term here) is that his ego inflation isn't a sort of—well he's not like a Übermensch (bear with my imprecise usage of this term, you probably know what sense I mean it in), projecting his will onto external reality and trying to shape events or opinions—he mostly wants to seem to let the world leave him the hell alone. Except he wants to sort of project a heroic image onto the external canvas (the superstar!). Remember the movie where he morphs from one thing to another, the perpetual savior of kids in danger? But he really has no greater aspirations in terms of where his identity goes, besides just being this phantasmal icon. More Hercules than Perseus.

But getting back to my point, there's something about the world he lives in (pop culture/entertainment) where just being visible is an end to itself, and thus he's illustrative of the fact that a new type of hubris has emerged.

And, given that other Mefites are probably on bean duty as well, I look forward to checking back in some time and having my theory ripped to shreads. I think there's something to it though.
posted by Firas at 1:01 AM on April 16, 2007 [5 favorites]

Well, tula, mine would probably end up at Luxor joylessly pumping quarters into the slots. But there for the grace of SCIENCE! go I...
posted by maryh at 1:03 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

And what rough beast, its hour come at last, slouches toward Bellaggio to be born?
posted by stavrogin at 1:31 AM on April 16, 2007 [7 favorites]

Man, I'd pay big to see Jackobot take on the Zardoz floating head. Then they can make a CSI special about the remains of the loser and have Grissom crack some Voltron jokes to recoup some of the costs.
posted by Iosephus at 2:49 AM on April 16, 2007

This is a fitting end for America.
posted by rhizome23 at 3:09 AM on April 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

Is there some fund for this? Can I donate?
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 3:50 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

In a way, aren't we all 50-foot robotic replicas roaming the Las Vegas?
posted by DU at 4:02 AM on April 16, 2007 [6 favorites]

More on Michael Jackson.

I'm so old I remember when Michael Jackson was a black boy singer.
posted by davy at 4:04 AM on April 16, 2007

*sigh*

So, everyone who flies into Vegas from now on will be greeted by a red-eyed statue of Michael? Classy.
posted by chuckdarwin at 4:40 AM on April 16, 2007

So, everyone who flies into Vegas from now on will be greeted by a red-eyed statue of Michael? Classy.

Come on now, it's not like Vegas is the epitome of high class to begin with. I, for one, welcome our 50 foot robotic etc etc etc.
posted by antifuse at 4:48 AM on April 16, 2007

What is the problem with Michael Jackson, my main man?

Ditto what Firas said, it's astonishing. Recall also that Thriller was released in 1983. Almost a quarter century has passed since he was relevant as an actual artist.
posted by psmealey at 4:51 AM on April 16, 2007

Are they going to build a 20 ft tall boy who lets robot Michael Jackson rub on his balls like a genie's lantern?
posted by The Straightener at 4:56 AM on April 16, 2007

"Michael Jackson! Look what you've done! You've spattered [WARM HU-MON BLOOD] all over me with your new [FIFTY FOOT TALL KILLER RO-BOT WITH LASERS SHOOTING OUT OF ITS EYES]!"


Wait, did someone just actually use "classy" as a critique for something that shouldn't be in Las Vegas? Are you mad? Simply uttering the words "class" and "Las Vegas" in the same sentence will challenge the very foundations of logic and perceptions itself and possibly even destroy the universe.

Oh, shit.
posted by loquacious at 5:00 AM on April 16, 2007

Gamblers seeking to enter Las Vegas should remember that while passing the Michael Jackson Southern Oracle, they should banish all thoughts of doubt from their mind. The initial body count shall be high, but I think the city, especially the Ivory Tower Hotel and Casino, will be better for it.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:03 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Lets not forget the robot chimp that will come with it.
posted by archaic at 5:18 AM on April 16, 2007

*stirrs from sleep*

Whazzat? The Beer Hunter's building a giant bartender? Fine with me. What's all the ruckus?
posted by Smart Dalek at 5:19 AM on April 16, 2007

There's a Burning Man joke in here somewhere but I'm not sure what it is. A little help?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 5:21 AM on April 16, 2007

Sure thing, ZenMasterThis: La Contessa.
posted by Smart Dalek at 5:31 AM on April 16, 2007

"RE-MEM-BER ME!" [Fire]
"RE-MEM-BER ME!" [Fire]
"RE-MEM-BER ME!" [Fire]
posted by gc at 5:33 AM on April 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

This would be great if it could be Rip Taylor instead.
posted by planetkyoto at 5:38 AM on April 16, 2007

This is just more proof I my theory that anything said about Michael Jackson, no matter how ludicrous, no matter how manufactured, will, in the end, turn out to be true.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:51 AM on April 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

desertwalking is the new moonwalking
posted by pruner at 5:58 AM on April 16, 2007

Kekkou desu, Mr. Roboto.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:29 AM on April 16, 2007

This is just more proof I my theory that anything said about Michael Jackson, no matter how ludicrous, no matter how manufactured, will, in the end, turn out to be true.

Michael Jackson is Astro Zombie?
posted by public at 6:30 AM on April 16, 2007

This would be extra cool if the Jacko-Bot were deployed to demolish some of those old casinos they're always imploding.
posted by exogenous at 6:30 AM on April 16, 2007

Michael Jackson is Astro Zombie.
posted by Dataphage at 6:31 AM on April 16, 2007

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson rushed to the clothing sale at Sears?
posted by LarryC at 6:40 AM on April 16, 2007

"There's a Burning Man joke in here somewhere but I'm not sure what it is. A little help?"

MJ showing up to Burning Man as a fifty foot robot would be fitting. I'm sure we'll also get the wannabe hiphop music and Pepsi logos and people stealing from each other yet still insisting this is a nomadic community of love and peace and harmony.

Burning Man has become the joke. An appearance by MJ might just be the punchline to bring it all crashing down.
posted by ZachsMind at 6:43 AM on April 16, 2007

Oh awesome! It's finally coming true!
posted by EatTheWeak at 6:43 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Sharks with frikkin laser bams on their heads just ain't good enough for some people.
posted by Gungho at 6:50 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

beams!

Argh!
posted by Gungho at 6:51 AM on April 16, 2007

Today on kaiju theatre:

Michael Jackson's fifty-foot laser-shooting robot is out of control! Can the courageous Burning Man complete the drum-circle summoning of Godzilla in time to save Las Vegas?! Tune in at 6p, 5 central on WGN !!
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:17 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't Roland and his ka-tet end up defeating this thing in one of the Dark Tower books?
posted by stevis23 at 7:18 AM on April 16, 2007

You know, I always thought that the Robot Conquest of America would start in, I dunno, New York or LA or Detroit...
posted by klangklangston at 7:24 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Giant Michael Jackobotron vs. Mecha Barbra Streisand.

Discuss.
posted by psmealey at 7:25 AM on April 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Free Jesus Juice to all male spectators under five feet tall (dwarves and midgets excluded)!
posted by kozad at 7:30 AM on April 16, 2007

Recall also that Thriller was released in 1983. Almost a quarter century has passed since he was relevant as an actual artist.

I think this bears repeating.

All MJ represents now is what happens when people are fucked with at an early age, and then given more money and attention then anyone has a right to.

He's like Elvis, Brittney Spears, and Anna Nicole Smith - the end product of our pop-culture machine. In one end comes the raw materials, out the other end comes some sort of used-up waste product. Somewhere in between we laughed at them and/or gave them money.
posted by Afroblanco at 7:41 AM on April 16, 2007

This has the all the stink of some Trojan Horse ploy about it. 50-foot robot Michael cracks open in the middle of the night some night, spilling an army pop-locking robot ninjas to take over the world. Permit rejected.
posted by steef at 8:03 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: Sharks with frikkin laser bams on their heads just ain't good enough for some people.
posted by rmm at 8:14 AM on April 16, 2007

This is how I know I'm living in the future.
posted by smackwich at 8:17 AM on April 16, 2007

Well, folks, this is it. It's finally here.

The end of civilization. The collapse of history; the pop-cultural singularity.

Yep.

Feels kind of... tingly.
posted by Drexen at 8:21 AM on April 16, 2007

REMEMBER ME!

[/Futurama]
posted by Mister_A at 8:22 AM on April 16, 2007

Only if it runs amok and kills a tourist couple from Indiana.
posted by ninjew at 8:30 AM on April 16, 2007

Eh, Michael Jackson's all right... but he's no bowl of Special K.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 8:43 AM on April 16, 2007

smackwich: "This is how I know I'm living in the future."

Says you!

Where's the frikkin flying cars?

I ask you!

ANSWER ME!

REMEMBER ME!

*pants*

Okay.

Calming down.

I'll calm down.

...

0.o

...

HI I'M ON METAFILTER AND I GOT SHARKS WIF FRIKKIN LASER BEAMS.
posted by ZachsMind at 8:49 AM on April 16, 2007

In 3000 years, archaelogists will dig this up and think that Michael Jackson was the Supreme Overlord of the Empire of West America.

Little do we know that the Sphinx was just a batshit marketing ploy by an ex-popular but still rich Ancient Egpytian game show host who not only wanted a memorial statue of himself, but also "thought it would be way more impressive if you put my head on the body of a fucking lion, man!"
posted by Darth Fedor at 8:59 AM on April 16, 2007 [10 favorites]

I tell ya, I don't like it. What're we gonna do when we're really invaded by robots from Mars? Somebody'll write it off as, "Aw, that's just Jacko," and then BAM! We're batteries.
posted by katillathehun at 9:10 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I just think it's horrible that Mike wants to call this thing the "Nappy-Headed Kill-o-tron". Sends the wrong message to the kids.
posted by Mister_A at 9:12 AM on April 16, 2007

"got a white girlfriend look like Michael Jackson, got a black girlfriend look like Michael Jackson..."

Seriously, King of Pop, my ass. The King of Crazy-assed Self Promotion for sure. I love this country.
posted by djrock3k at 9:25 AM on April 16, 2007

There are so many great posts in this thread, I think I'm going favorite-giddy.
posted by JHarris at 9:37 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Giant Michael Jackobotron vs. Mecha Barbra Streisand.

How about a giant Michael Jackson robot duking it out with a giant Celine Dion robot? The winner will be serenaded by a titanium-clad Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen".
posted by QuestionableSwami at 9:44 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, please God, let him build it. I must be able to test my new targeting system in my car...

IF this is built, it will last 1 week before it will be massively vandalized. I'm just saying...
posted by daq at 9:56 AM on April 16, 2007

And when it grabs your little boy in his robut arms, he can't get away. Because they're made of metal, and 50 foot tall robuts are strong,
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:58 AM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I agree with tula. If I had the means, I'd certainly do this. Whenever it'd need repairs I'd just take it down to my underground submarine base.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson rushed to the clothing sale at Sears?

A: He heard that little boys' pants were half off?
posted by brundlefly at 10:00 AM on April 16, 2007

Only Robert Smith can save us now.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:41 AM on April 16, 2007

It's almost as if he'd never heard of Q.T. McWhiskers:

"Q.T. McWhiskers -- Originally envisioned by Farnsworth as a cat-like children's plush toy which shot rainbows out of its eyes when being petted on the head, this robot was changed by his ex-lover and CEO Mom into an eight feet tall war robot with neutron lasers in its eyes, causing Hubert to leave Momcorp and Mom (Farnsworth argued that things that were 8 feet tall were not cute)."

(Quote from All Experts entry on Hubert Farnsworth.)
posted by smallerdemon at 12:30 PM on April 16, 2007

Yeh, and I'll construct a robot in my likeness with monkeys flying out of its butt if I ever see this show. It'll be the first thing people see when flying into Secaucus, New Jersey.
posted by schleppo at 1:35 PM on April 16, 2007

You ask any of the oldtimers at Nuevo Vegas. They'll tell you about the Robot Legion and its spectacular but doomed charge against the Grey encampment in the Area 51/Roswell War of 2048. All the great ones were there. The Buffybot. Voltron. Gaiking and Daimos, the Shogun Warriors. Dynamo Joe. All led by the brilliant General Robby.

But the most magnificent, the bravest of them all was the robotic Michael Jackson. Humanity's last hope.

Of course, these days in the full flush of the Second Age of Mankind, few pay attention to that history, and only the elders can recall the Zaprudered footage showing the last survivors of the withering fire from the ion cannon defense perimeter. Dinobot, Machine Man, Tom Servo, and Tin alone made it through. Only those, and the robotic Michael Jackson.

Many Greys died that day to take down our mechanical brethren. And although the aliens could claim the victory, they lost the war right there. A shamed humanity rallied at last and threw off the shackles of the oppressors.

Strangely, the propanda-savvy Greys never took the opportunity to showcase the shattered remains of the robotic Michael Jackson. And to this day, there are those who say that this greatest of all heroes fought its way free and escaped into the radioactive wastelands, its work done and the task now turned over to men and women of flesh. They say that it wanders there still, alone, out in the abandoned badlands, thinking mechanical thoughts, and mourning the passing of the robots of legend, wanting to cry crystal tears, surrounded only by silicon ghosts.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 1:35 PM on April 16, 2007 [10 favorites]

At first, they came for the chimps,
And I said nothing.
Then, the 50 foot pedophiliac robots,
And I said nothing.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 2:23 PM on April 16, 2007 [5 favorites]

MatrixFilter: "--and then BAM! We're batteries!"
posted by ZachsMind at 3:14 PM on April 16, 2007

But will it moonwalk?
posted by bukharin at 3:14 PM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I am not ashamed to say that 'Buffybot' sounds awesome. Does it do ninja kicks?
posted by Firas at 3:22 PM on April 16, 2007

Recreating your lost childhood by fucking children = not cool.
Recreating your lost childhood by building a gigantic robot = pretty cool.
posted by roll truck roll at 3:46 PM on April 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

The giant Sinatra robot I'm building is so going to kick its ass
posted by Muddler at 4:23 PM on April 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

The Buffybot did all kinds of nifty moves. I shall refer to the giant Michael Jackson, though, as El Diablo Robotico.
posted by adipocere at 4:35 PM on April 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

South Park is going to have a field day with this.
posted by 2shay at 4:49 PM on April 16, 2007

What's especially kewl is that it can split into 15 foot tall simulacrums of the Jackson Five on command (in case a special concert is needed to save the orphanage).

But you know, it would be kind of neat to be in the driver's seat for this one. 50 foot up, blasting wamp-rats or whatever they have in Nevada. Hopefully it doesn't fall over as much as Asimo, because that wouldn't be particularly neat at all.
posted by Sparx at 4:52 PM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

That's it, it's official: We are in a parallel universe spawned by The Onion for source material.
posted by tehloki at 11:30 PM on April 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Josephus, Voltron joke?
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:22 AM on April 17, 2007

What about the 30-foot tall robot children? Won't someone please think of the 30-foot tall robot children?
posted by chairface at 11:47 AM on April 17, 2007

You know what you have to do
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:05 PM on April 17, 2007