Let's play a smoking game and a drinking game.
May 16, 2007 12:45 PM   Subscribe

Horses are not always good role models. Just in case you thought the craziness was limited to this one book, the authors proudly present a "true crime" glimpse into a shadowy world of... okay, I actually have no idea what they're talking about. Ah, the joys of vanity publishing.
posted by OverlappingElvis (51 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
I was unaware that drug and alcohol abuse was so endemic among the equine-American population.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:53 PM on May 16, 2007


Words fail me utterly.
posted by pax digita at 12:58 PM on May 16, 2007


"The author would like the thank God. 'Thank you, God.'"
posted by mr_roboto at 12:59 PM on May 16, 2007


"The Brooks children be lied on..."
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:00 PM on May 16, 2007


Horses are not always good role models

Neither are donkeys (possibly nsfw).
posted by homunculus at 1:01 PM on May 16, 2007


Tremendous.

*smokes drugs, drinks*
posted by cortex at 1:03 PM on May 16, 2007


I wonder if horses also sniff glue. And if that would be cannibalistic.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:09 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]


Stocks? Stocks you? I have no idea.
posted by 2sheets at 1:12 PM on May 16, 2007


Those investigators really need to stop stocking the Brooks family.
posted by brundlefly at 1:12 PM on May 16, 2007


Am I supposed to laugh at the people who wrote these things? Is that the deal? Needs an "I'mbetterthanyou" tag, or maybe an "LOLdumbpeople" tag.
posted by MarshallPoe at 1:12 PM on May 16, 2007


That's why I don't smoke pot anymore, it always makes me a little horse.
posted by Floydd at 1:14 PM on May 16, 2007


When suddenly Johnny gets the feeling he's being surrounded by
horses, horses, horses, horses
coming in in all directions
white shining silver studs with their nose in flames,

...

There's a little place, a place called space
It's a pretty little place, it's across the tracks,
Across the tracks and the name of the place is you like it like that,
You like it like that, you like it like that, you like it like that,

-Patti Smith, Land

When I think drugs and horses, this is the song that comes to mind.
posted by quin at 1:19 PM on May 16, 2007 [3 favorites]


They lies!

Thank you, this was an excellent way to pass the time on a very slow day.
posted by routergirl at 1:22 PM on May 16, 2007


Am I supposed to laugh at the people who wrote these things? Is that the deal?

No, at the things written. I'm assuming that Sylvia Scott Gibson is a nice woman and a good mom, but Latawnya is intensely badly written. It's awkward and absurd, and the imagery of horses getting high (and even ODing!) just pushes it over the top.

The Brooks stuff looks like, well, more bad writing, but there's no horses in sight and so it doesn't do as much for me.
posted by cortex at 1:27 PM on May 16, 2007


I'm glad you can all laugh at this. James Horse's friend died, and you're all laughing. A horse died.

Sometimes Metafilter disgusts me.
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:38 PM on May 16, 2007 [2 favorites]


Seriously, though, I want to read more about the Brooks family. It's fascinating in a tinfoil hat sort of way, with investigators "stocking" the family and "telling lies on" them and such.
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:38 PM on May 16, 2007


This boggles the mind.

Horses...holding joints...in their hooves...
posted by Trinkers at 1:39 PM on May 16, 2007


It be bad that the Brooks children be lied on...and 'stocked'. Bad, it be!
posted by mattholomew at 1:53 PM on May 16, 2007


Q: Am I supposed to laugh at the people who wrote these things? Is that the deal?

A: No, at the things written.


I imagine that is a distinction without a difference to Gibson and Brooks. This is just plain old "making fun" of folks, pure and simple. That said, they published this stuff, so they should have known what to expect from MeFi's cruel cultural critics.
posted by MarshallPoe at 1:55 PM on May 16, 2007


"This is just plain old "making fun" of folks, pure and simple."
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Oh, and seriously, it took me this long to figure out that "stocking" = stalking, so I'm not so bright either.
posted by 2sheets at 2:00 PM on May 16, 2007


don't miss the audio book version...
posted by dorian at 2:01 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]


The hook horses, don't they?
posted by brundlefly at 2:04 PM on May 16, 2007


Mother horse, Sylvia, and Father horse, James look like they're about to bite a lesson into Latawnya the naughty horse on p. 28, despite the author's claims that they're about to share horse hugs and kisses.

Repentance isn't enough, Latawnya! First you need a lengthy period of us pretending to forgive you while still bringing up our disappointment at the least provocation, and sometimes demonstrating it with our giant horsey teeth!

Thus setting up the second book in the series, Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "Jeezus, Mother horse, Sylvia, and Father horse, James, are you ever going to let this go?"
posted by felix grundy at 2:05 PM on May 16, 2007


When all else fails, we can whip the horse's eyes, and make them sleep, and cry.
posted by Floydd at 2:13 PM on May 16, 2007


Latawnya the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "No" to Drugs

If only Latawnya's naughty father had learned to say "no" to "Mr. Hands".
posted by MikeMc at 2:19 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]


The Brooks book is written by Sylvia and James Gibson, so I am beginning to suspect that this Latawnya book is a chilling morality tale made expressly for Latawnya, the naughty human.

Also, that audio book is amazing. Full stop.
posted by felix grundy at 2:19 PM on May 16, 2007


That said, they published this stuff, so they should have known what to expect from MeFi's cruel cultural critics.

Should there be some special prohibition for self-published authors, though? Execrable fanfic, bad corporate web design, mindboggling stump-speech gaffes, tone-deaf commentary: all of these things are fair game, on mefi and in the greater blogosphere, and of course they'll attract riffing.

I'm sincere in the distinction between work and author, and feel there is a difference: reading this thread might hurt Sylvia's feelings, but no more so than a scathing review on Pitchfork or a round of mockery on a design forum might hurt those of a self-published musician or an upstart web designer; risk of laughing, critical reaction comes with the putting-it-out-there package. It says nothing of the worth of the author or musician or designer as a person, just the work that they put out there.

I don't mean to say that that condones nastiness from being nasty, or the jabs from being a triumph of self-satified glee over empathy, but this (where this = mefi or this = the internet) is not and never has been a place beholden to egg-shell-treading supportgroupism. It may be a little crass, sure, but I don't think it's malicious or unusual.
posted by cortex at 2:27 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]


i agree with felix about the audio book... it completed the experience... now i'm moving on. thanks ovrlppngElvis.
posted by pelican at 2:29 PM on May 16, 2007


Needs an "I'mbetterthanyou" tag, or maybe an "LOLdumbpeople" tag.

Well, how cute is that? Matching pots and kettles, everyone!
posted by katillathehun at 3:09 PM on May 16, 2007


You know, if you publish crap, you deserve to be made fun of. Really. Not everyone is a writer.
posted by maxwelton at 3:09 PM on May 16, 2007


Am I the only one that sees this as James Horse trying to redeem himself for letting his friend Charlie OD back in high school? If only he'd had the guts back then, Charlie would be alive, and Latawnya could have a smoke with her friends without him getting all up in her face about it...
posted by pupdog at 3:11 PM on May 16, 2007


Latawnya's story reminds me of that great kid's book, Ricky, the Carnivorous Pony, featured in this movie and apparently an inspiration to many.
posted by CCBC at 3:26 PM on May 16, 2007


quin writes 'When I think drugs and horses, this is the song that comes to mind.'

I'd always assumed that the hallucinations were a consequence of Johnny's being stabbed, but looking at the lyrics, perhaps he doesn't get stabbed at all? Perhaps he gets raped?

I always wondered what the Twistelettes would sound like as well.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:34 PM on May 16, 2007


Yeah, I always sort of assumed it was an Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge kind of thing as well where the story spins out of control the closer he gets to death, but there does seem to be some strong drug overtones in there as well.

The best use I've ever seen for the song was during the second season finale to Millennium, where one of the characters slowly loses her mind. They used the entire song for the sequence, which I always felt was quite clever coming from a sound-byte obsessed culture.
posted by quin at 3:52 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]


Hey, I only gave them the drugs to convince one of them to get in a threeway with a me and a donkey.
posted by porpoise at 4:07 PM on May 16, 2007


In September my cousin tried reefer 4 the very first time
Now he's doing horse, it's June

sign o the times
posted by Sparx at 4:14 PM on May 16, 2007


Hey, I only gave them the drugs to convince one of them to get in a threeway with a me and a donkey.
A lot to go through for a piece of ass, but I heard the horse did it on porpoise.
posted by Floydd at 4:15 PM on May 16, 2007


Ah, vanity publishing. The really sad cases are the ones who don't stop at the $500 for publication, but keep shoving more money into the system for "advertising" and "book tours."

I've even seen a few of these people sitting behind tables at smalltown bookstores on their bullshit tours. I'd imagine that that's when the reality of how badly you've been duped sets in.
posted by roll truck roll at 4:31 PM on May 16, 2007


Addendum:
Which is not to say that self-publishing is a unilaterally bad idea. Just design the book yourself, print it at Kinkos, and get far better results for 1% of the price the vanity presses charge.

There are even some legitimate small presses who outsource their out-of-print books to Lulu and iUniverse, just so that they stay available forever.
posted by roll truck roll at 4:42 PM on May 16, 2007


I wonder if horses also sniff glue. And if that would be cannibalistic.

I wonder if it'd be cannibalisitic if they shot heroin.
posted by pax digita at 4:44 PM on May 16, 2007


Hey... and what if heroin was actually MADE OUT OF HORSES!?
posted by miss lynnster at 5:06 PM on May 16, 2007


Isn't this the third thread from Something Awful that's been posted within the last week or so? It might be funny, but if you like Something Awful's humor that much, you probably saw it at their site, fifteen days ago. And if you like their humor that much but didn't see this before, well, you might want to start visiting their site.
posted by booksandlibretti at 5:13 PM on May 16, 2007


If you want to ride, don't ride the white horse.
posted by hydrophonic at 9:36 PM on May 16, 2007


They shoot heroin, don't they?
posted by Jimbob at 10:10 PM on May 16, 2007 [2 favorites]


Okay, anyone? No? Then it's up to me, I suppose:

Metafilter. Making fun of folks, pure and simple.
posted by QuietDesperation at 10:13 PM on May 16, 2007


Would it be cannibalism if Wonder Woman injected heroine?
posted by Citizen Premier at 11:19 PM on May 16, 2007


I'm still trying to work out how to pronounce 'Latawnya'.
posted by andraste at 12:03 AM on May 17, 2007


Really? "luh-TAHN-yuh".
posted by cortex at 6:52 AM on May 17, 2007


I can't read this at work, it's making me laugh too hard.
posted by Esoquo at 7:20 AM on May 17, 2007


Sylvia Scott Gibson is Mercedes Lackie's ghost writer for sure.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:24 AM on May 17, 2007


Naughty horses make my heart race faster.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:25 AM on May 17, 2007


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