The Chance to Give Back as Much as You Get

September 19, 2007 11:16 AM

You need organs, they need homes. "We are a domestic and international adoption agency where parents are free to adopt a child who is a perfect match (up to 18 yrs) for the transplant of one or more “non-essential” organs to be donated to one of the adopting parents or your own children. Your new son or daughter would give you their heart, if it was possible, but a lung, eye or three feet of intestine might be enough to prove that love."

(and just to spoil the joke, yes it's a joke site made by this group that features a dozen similar creepy/cruel but funny sites)

posted by mathowie (73 comments total)

They're more than just adorable kids. They're spare parts!
posted by clevershark at 11:20 AM on September 19, 2007

I read some of the links before the [more inside], and two things convinced me it was a hoax:

- China would not allow this

- This part of the registration questionnaire:

Which sex related crimes have you been convicted of:
PLEASE NOTE: This is for U.S CITIZENS ONLY. U.S. Law requires to ask these basic questions, however, your answers are not a factor in the adoption approval process.

posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:24 AM on September 19, 2007

Very professional-looking, though.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:25 AM on September 19, 2007

"He's got my eyes. Well, eventually."
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:25 AM on September 19, 2007 [9 favorites]

Sweet Jesus, I'm glad that's a joke.

Though if it weren't, I'd name the kids after the part that I needed.

Eyes, stop wrestling with Liver. And tell Kidneys to come downstairs and get ready for dinner.
posted by quin at 11:26 AM on September 19, 2007 [3 favorites]

you know, having your own kids almost always solves this problem, and is (usually) far less expensive. Of course, if you plan on going through a multiple kidneys, it helps to have multiple parts incubators kids and you may not have the time to spend waiting out a pregnancy.
posted by Parannoyed at 11:27 AM on September 19, 2007

Probably is a hoax, but still makes a valid point.

I think they should just make organ donation mandatory. It would make the world a better place. Besides, anyone who doesn't want to be a donor is an idealogical or religious nutbag who needs to get over themselves, anyway.
posted by Afroblanco at 11:28 AM on September 19, 2007

anyone who doesn't want to be a donor is an idealogical or religious nutbag who needs to get over themselves

Obligatory
posted by CynicalKnight at 11:36 AM on September 19, 2007

..anyone who doesn't want to be a donor is an idealogical or religious nutbag who needs to get over themselves

Actually, I'm just ooshy when it comes talk of removing my bodily organs. I know I'll be dead and I try to sign the form, but when I wake up from my swoon I'm already in the car on the way home.
posted by DU at 11:43 AM on September 19, 2007

this is not really a joke at all and not at all far-fetched--we've already seen parents have new kids to save existing kids.
posted by amberglow at 11:46 AM on September 19, 2007

Do people really do this?
Yes, some people do this, but only those people who have enough love to share. Everyone who enters into these arrangements does so because they have something critical to share, whether it's love, citizenship, a trust fund, or a healthy, otherwise irreplaceable organ, often just in time.

Good one Matt.
posted by caddis at 11:46 AM on September 19, 2007

Why do you think, DU? Obviously you have a logical knowledge that it matters not once you're dead - why can't you bring yourself to sign the form - have you pondered this? You really need to, if you have no other objections than "oogy."
posted by agregoli at 11:47 AM on September 19, 2007

Or "ooshy", sorry.
posted by agregoli at 11:47 AM on September 19, 2007

this is one case from the UK in 02, and there was a famous one here a while ago where a teen was dying so the mother had another kid specifically to give stuff to the existing one.
posted by amberglow at 11:49 AM on September 19, 2007

Actually, I may have signed the form. Can I bring myself to check my driver's license and see if my WARM AND STILL BEATING HEART WILL BE RIPPED FROM MY CHEST IN THE EVENT THAT I AND EVERYONE I LOVE IS HORRIBLY MANGLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT *runs sobbing from the room*

Uh...yeah, I see a little heart that says "organ donor" on there. So I guess I wasn't too ooshy after all.
posted by DU at 11:49 AM on September 19, 2007

I've heard of several cases of parents having another kid to "save" the first one.
posted by agregoli at 11:49 AM on September 19, 2007

Good for you, DU! The only way your still beating heart will be removed is if you're on life support and you're brain dead, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.
posted by agregoli at 11:50 AM on September 19, 2007

[A]nyone who doesn't want to be a donor is an idealogical or religious nutbag who needs to get over themselves.

I'm with you 100%. My girlfriend is a donor but has a serious "don't fuck with the eyes" problem. (It's so cute, see any movie with tons of voilence, no problem whatsoever, but add an eye gouging scene and she curls up in a little whimpering ball). Every time she signs the donor card she writes a little "NO EYES!" in the corner.
posted by aspo at 11:51 AM on September 19, 2007

I realize that I won't really know what will happen to my remains but I don't want to be harvested.
I just don't.
posted by hojoki at 11:57 AM on September 19, 2007

What about it doesn't appeal? I'm honestly curious about the "don't wanna" crowd.
posted by agregoli at 12:00 PM on September 19, 2007

we've already seen parents have new kids to save existing kids

Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair?
Me here at last on the mend, 'cause you're a spare
Send in the clones!

Isn't it bliss? Don't you approve?
You keep running around, yet I'm the one who can't move.
Send in the clones!

Just when I stopped breathing,
Knowing you've got the lungs that I'm needing;
Making my entrance again with my new pair,
Sure of my breath — you say it isn't fair?

Don't you want me to live? My fault, I fear;
I thought that you'd want what I want — so sorry, my dear.
But where are the clones? Quick, send in more clones.
Don't bother, they're here!

Isn't it rich? Isn't it queer,
Losing my hearing this early in my career?
But where are the clones? A sweet, daffy clone...
I'll take the right ear. (Thanks.)

Apologies to Sondheim.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:04 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I would be happy to donate my organs once I'm through with them. I did the same thing with a bunch of pants last summer.

I just don't know what use any of my insides would be to anyone after all the mileage that boozing, smoking and eating fried chicken for around thirty years has racked up.
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:06 PM on September 19, 2007

Though if it weren't, I'd name the kids after the part that I needed.

I call them Liver the First, Liver Jr., Liver the Third, etc...
posted by inigo2 at 12:07 PM on September 19, 2007

What about it doesn't appeal? I'm honestly curious about the "don't wanna" crowd.

posted by agregoli at 3:00 PM on September 19


I'm not against organ donation; I think it's great that there is an option to do that. It's just not an appealing option for me. I suppose I'd rather take all parts of me to the grave. I don't like the idea of someone walking around with bits of my remains on them or in them, I'd feel my death was incomplete somehow. Yep, not exactly rational, but there it is.
posted by hojoki at 12:09 PM on September 19, 2007

You can have my organs RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW! EVERY-MOTHERFUCKIN'-THING MUST GO! COME ON DOWN TO IRFH'S MOTHERFUCKIN' U-PICK ORGAN IMPORIUM! KIDNEYS 2-FER-1! WITS HALF OFF! AS IS. WHILE SUPPLIES LAST. OFFER NOT GOOD IN SECOND LIFE.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:10 PM on September 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

For a second I thought the [more inside] was part of the FPP.
posted by gottabefunky at 12:12 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I thought I'd seen this before, but no. I was thinking of 'Mining for Life'. Page is a little dodgy because it's from the future.
posted by cobaltnine at 12:12 PM on September 19, 2007

And tell Kidneys to come downstairs and get ready for dinner.

Hey, hey -- HEY! NO WINE FOR YOU! Drink your roibos tea and eat your dry toast, dammit.
posted by lodurr at 12:23 PM on September 19, 2007

Some see a joke.
I see...an opportunity!
Is that the sound of the invisible hand clapping?
posted by Thorzdad at 12:42 PM on September 19, 2007

I thought it was some sort of tie-in for Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go (plot spoilers in that link).
posted by mogget at 12:45 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

They could do with a celebrity sponsor... Madonna, or Angelina Jolie perhaps?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:47 PM on September 19, 2007

I think they should just make organ donation mandatory. It would make the world a better place.

Authoritarianism is ok if it makes the world a better place? That's the promise of every authoritarian, for what that's worth.
posted by me & my monkey at 12:57 PM on September 19, 2007

This post will have me laughing for days.
posted by nola at 12:58 PM on September 19, 2007

"He's got my eyes. Well, eventually."

If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes.
posted by limon at 12:59 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Authoritarianism is ok if it makes the world a better place? That's the promise of every authoritarian, for what that's worth.

Yes, but a certain amount of authoritarianism is acceptable in a crisis situation. And given the state of the global organ trade, I'd say that we sure-as-shit are in a crisis situation.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:06 PM on September 19, 2007

I thought the having a second kid to "save" the first one was usually a bone marrow thing.

The difference I see there is that most of us are going be using or kidneys for many years. Bone marrow's career ends with making your shit brown in a month or so. Of course it's not the sort of thing you want to find out if you're the second kid.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 1:07 PM on September 19, 2007

You're too late to save Charlemagne. Sorry.
posted by lodurr at 1:12 PM on September 19, 2007

How about authoritarian results through freedom-based hard choices? i.e. If you aren't a donor you don't get organs. Make your choices. I'd be 100 million percent in favor of that.
posted by Wood at 1:13 PM on September 19, 2007 [3 favorites]

My first thought, seriously, was:

"I take lungs now, gills come next week..."
posted by sparkletone at 1:19 PM on September 19, 2007

If you aren't a donor you don't get organs.

I suspect most people who abuse their bodies would win from that arrangement. Is an alcoholic's liver worth as much as another organ he or she might expect to receive in return?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:21 PM on September 19, 2007

Can't we just grow new organs in a lab yet? I mean seriously, how hard could that really be?

Cutting the rotting meat out of a corpse and sewing it up inside a failing body just seems so 19th century somehow. We really should have gotten past Shelley at this point.

Get with it science! We're never going to get to the future if you don't put your hump into it.
posted by willnot at 1:24 PM on September 19, 2007 [3 favorites]

This reminds me somewhat of Jigsaw Man, by Larry Niven.
posted by potch at 1:46 PM on September 19, 2007

Fine by me Blazecock, I don't want any more than my original suggestion. If you just don't feel like donating then you're not eligible. If on the other hand your organs are just worthless well you can still be eligible. I sort of think that alkies have a hard time replacing organs they willfully destroyed anyway. If not that might be something to consider but it doesn't agitate me as much as people who choose not to be donors.
posted by Wood at 2:06 PM on September 19, 2007

Huh. My problem's slightly different. I am happy-- nay, eager-- to donate my organs, any part and whatever is still working, to whoever might make use of them. But I'm disqualified on the grounds of my medical history. I can't donate blood for the same reason, and it makes me sad.
posted by jokeefe at 2:22 PM on September 19, 2007

Yes, but a certain amount of authoritarianism is acceptable in a crisis situation. And given the state of the global organ trade, I'd say that we sure-as-shit are in a crisis situation.

Repeat after me: You have no right to anyone else's body. I don't care if they're living or dead.

One of the mainstays of Western legal tradition is that your body is sacred private property. Another is that your Will regarding your own property extends beyond the time of your death. This is why I'm not allowed to sexually violate you, even if you're an unconscious cadaver. This is also why the state can't rip kidneys from people it deems "healthy enough" to forego them, and transfer them to the needy.

Do you really think that if organ donation were universal and involuntary, HMOs, ERs, and trauma units would not find themselves in an unprecedented conflict of interest? You're trusting institutions that already let people die in the name of profit.
posted by kid ichorous at 2:26 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Do you really think that if organ donation were universal and involuntary, HMOs, ERs, and trauma units would not find themselves in an unprecedented conflict of interest?

No. Not at all. Not in the least.

If organ donation were mandatory, organs would be plentiful. Plenty of people die every day, and leave perfectly usable organs behind.

If anything, the ethics surrounding organ transplantation would become far simpler. There would be fewer difficult decisions if organs were plentiful.
posted by Afroblanco at 2:33 PM on September 19, 2007

Plenty of people die every day, and leave perfectly usable organs behind.

Plenty of people don't die every day with a cherry 24-year-old heart. Many factors of ten fewer than die from heart disease for want of one.

And in the odd case when people do die with a working heart, it's their heart, not yours. It does not suddenly become yours to buy and sell when they're "not using it" anymore.
posted by kid ichorous at 2:41 PM on September 19, 2007

What I don't understand is how people who feel squicky about having their organs removed usually don't think twice about having their blood and fluids drained during the embalming process before being pumped full of formaldehyde. Now THAT makes me feel squicky.
posted by gatorae at 2:44 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

That is, you would have to prove such hypothesis about universal, mandatory donation being an ethical and medical panacea before putting aside centuries of legal rights and traditions. And the numbers aren't really on your side, because the elderly population (demand) is growing faster than the youth population (supply).
posted by kid ichorous at 2:49 PM on September 19, 2007

Plenty of people don't die every day with a cherry 24-year-old heart. Many factors of ten fewer than die from heart disease for want of one.

I follow your logic, but you're forgetting something crucial. The people whose job it is to save lives are doctors, not HMOs or hospital staff. Doctors take an oath to do no harm. If you can't trust your doctors with this sort of thing, you've got bigger problems than those posed by mandatory organ donation.

And in the odd case when people do die with a working heart, it's their heart, not yours. It does not suddenly become yours to buy and sell when they're "not using it" anymore.

Well, obviously, I think this is something that should change.

In the current scenario, you have people selling their organs because they're poor and desperate.

In the scenario that I propose, the market for illegal organs would become far, far less profitable. However, the people with an irrational desire to be interred with their organs intact wouldn't get their wish. Boo fucking hoo.
posted by Afroblanco at 2:52 PM on September 19, 2007

While I'd theoretically support involuntary organ donation, I don't really trust the state to administer such a plan, and it would trample too many Constitutional rights that I'm frankly fond of.

What I would support though, would be a change in the "default policy" of medical personnel, from 'default deny' to 'default allow.' E.g., in the same way that they perform CPR on you unless someone starts waving a DNR order in their face, they'd harvest the organs which formerly were yours unless there was some definite sign that you didn't want this to happen. People who were seriously anti-donation could get little medic-alert bracelets, tattoos, or sit down with their families and explain their bizarre feelings to them.

If you really don't want your organs reused when you're done with them, fine, you can have your way, but there's no reason though why such an antisocial policy should be assumed by default.
posted by Kadin2048 at 2:59 PM on September 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'm gonna call Ric Flair on this. He competes so I don't have to. A new pancreas -Wooo!
posted by Smedleyman at 3:07 PM on September 19, 2007

Blazecock Pileon writes 'Is an alcoholic's liver worth as much as another organ he or she might expect to receive in return?'

It wouldn't work that way. The boozer would get the non-boozer's liver. The non-boozer would get the boozer's corneas, or his sphincter or some other part of their body not rendered useless by the booze.

Of course, America being what it is, you'd fully expect that anybody who ever drank alcohol or used any other recreational drug would be barred from participation, ensuring that only the bodies of the ideologically and physically pure can take advantage.

And why stop with drug users? Those gays are somewhat prone to infections as well. So what if you happen to be clear of any viruses right at this moment? Who knows whether or not there might be some as yet undiscovered disease lying prone in that potentially promiscuous tissue? Best rule all homos out, just to be on the safe side, as well, right?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:15 PM on September 19, 2007

The idea of mandatory donation bugs me. Probably because it inevitably leads to a dark future where rich people buy medical data of the poor, identify who has the most viable potential organs and then hire someone to kill and harvest them.

Wait... wasn't this the plot of a Max Headroom episode?
posted by quin at 3:22 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

They really outdid themselves with the profiles. It's so creepy.
posted by Tehanu at 3:51 PM on September 19, 2007

Organ donation doesn't just mean your heart saves a 5 year old with a bad ticker, it means your body gets chopped up for cosmetic surgery practice, shot to test bullet designs, buried in slime to understand decomposition, freeze-dried and coated in plastic in a museum, and a million other things that I don't want my body being used for. If you don't believe me, read the book, you may want to unsign your organ donor card after.
posted by blue_beetle at 4:03 PM on September 19, 2007

How about the fear of not actually being dead when they take the organs? I think that puts lots and lots of potential donors off and there's little way to reassure them. Especially because there is this sense that they don't try really hard to save you if they want the organs.
posted by Maias at 4:16 PM on September 19, 2007

Meh. Take whatever you need, do whatever you want with it, burn the rest and scatter the ashes into the sea.

Some of you sound so precious - do you keep all your nail clippings as well?
posted by gomichild at 4:24 PM on September 19, 2007

Organ donation doesn't just mean your heart saves a 5 year old with a bad ticker, it means your body gets chopped up for cosmetic surgery practice, shot to test bullet designs, buried in slime to understand decomposition, freeze-dried and coated in plastic in a museum, and a million other things that I don't want my body being used for. If you don't believe me, read the book, you may want to unsign your organ donor card after waaay cooler stuff.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 4:24 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Organ donation doesn't just mean your heart saves a 5 year old with a bad ticker, it means your body gets chopped up for cosmetic surgery practice .....

Yes, but I would imagine that they take the useful stuff first, and give it to people who need it.

"Sure, Billy Smith down in Georgia needs a new heart, but I want to find out how long it takes for a ferret to eat its way through a human heart, so I guess Billy is just SOL! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Especially because there is this sense that they don't try really hard to save you if they want the organs.

Is there any evidence anywhere to back this up?
posted by Afroblanco at 4:41 PM on September 19, 2007

I saw it on Law & Order.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:42 PM on September 19, 2007

blue_beetle : and a million other things that I don't want my body being used for.

Really? After I'm dead I can't think of a thing I would care about. If they want to use my body as a toboggan it won't bother me a whit, because I'm dead. There is no "me" anymore; I'm not in that sack of meat; do what you will.

But up until that point, the organs stay in me. That's my rule.
posted by quin at 4:44 PM on September 19, 2007

They can have my organs when they pry them from my cold, dead... Oh. Wait...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:46 PM on September 19, 2007

Mogget,

Me too.

Now shut up about it.
posted by Skygazer at 5:06 PM on September 19, 2007

blue_beetle, actually you're wrong. Your body only get used for things other than organ donation if you indicate that on your card. My donation card has the option to donate all organs, specific organs, a pacemaker, or my entire body. If choose to donate my entire body I can do so for transplantation, medical research or both.
posted by stoneegg21 at 5:10 PM on September 19, 2007

I actually changed my mind about donation (I was a 'I'm keeping it ALL, suckers' person, as well as a 'people like that ain't getting my bits' side) when I did my human evolution class in graduate school.

Point 1: I have no problems with my body going to, as Alvy called it, way cooler stuff. I read Stiff and was impressed. I'm not so big on the cosmetic surgery bit, but if you want my leg to test boots versus mines, that is kind of totally awesome.

Point 2: Among people, I probably share some genetic composition with people whose organs mine would go to. Therefore organ donation furthers parts of my DNA and is a form of reproduction, but in a way that means I don't have to deal with stinky children.

Point 3: I'm planning on having my brain's consciousness transplanted anyway. I hope to be a happy brain-inna-jar, although I'm pretty sure sensory in- and outputs will be needed to not go quietly insane.
posted by cobaltnine at 8:09 PM on September 19, 2007

Best rule all homos out, just to be on the safe side, as well, right?

The Red Cross already do this with blood donations. I stopped donating a few years before I came out of the closet, as a form of silent protest. Silly and pointless, maybe. /derail
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:01 PM on September 19, 2007

I strongly agree with "opt-out" for organ donations.

I've sat on transplantation comitttees.

Most recently dead people are inappriate for transplantation because of the way they died. The vast majority of donors are those who suffer from specific brain injuries* (ie., cortex crushed but the brainstem's intact).

It takes time to get someone to the hospital and often the organs are too deteriorated for transplantation. Even if you sign up as an organ donor, chances are that your organs won't be good enough (after the doctors make sure that you won't miss them, and that can take a lot of time) for a transplant. You're life is is a seriously higher triage priority than improving the quality of life for someone else.

The selection process for who gets to receive an available organ is quite stringent and the argument about "alcoholics recieving liver transplants" is bogus. Hepatitis infection causes many more cases of cirrhosis than alcoholism. Alcoholic cirrhosis is usually accompanied by a lot of other co-morbidities - contraindications against a transplant not to mention the likelihood of relapse.

If you want to be a donor, don't just sign up for a sticker on your driver's license. Actually go and register with the transplantation society in your area and have yourself genotyped for major and minor histocompatibility antigens. This way, you're in a database and they can contact potential recipients right away before your organs deteriorate to the point of uselessness.

* there was a huge drop in organs available for transplant whenever mandatory motorcycle laws went into effect
posted by porpoise at 9:27 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

However, the people with an irrational desire to be interred with their organs intact wouldn't get their wish. Boo fucking hoo.

One man's irrational desire is another's core belief. So much for the first amendment, I guess. I guess anytime the majority decides something is irrational or unnatural or whatever, it's perfectly ok to impose their will on the minority. Boo fucking hoo.
posted by me & my monkey at 9:33 PM on September 19, 2007

The people whose job it is to save lives are doctors, not HMOs or hospital staff. Doctors take an oath to do no harm. If you can't trust your doctors with this sort of thing, you've got bigger problems than those posed by mandatory organ donation.

Oh, that's right, they took an OATH. Well then, we're all perfectly safe, because no one would possibly break an oath.
posted by me & my monkey at 9:35 PM on September 19, 2007

I'm donating my body to the ultra-wealthy, for use as paté.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:27 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Abra Cadaver!
Default to donate sounds like an excellent idea. Myself, I don't see a real issue with mandatory donation, either, but the objections I see here are sufficient for me to carefully consider the issue before I'd commit to that position politically.

But my opinion is worthless. I'm not eligible to donate because I have teh gay. Apparently modern medical science is certain that all gays are too likely to carry diseases. (but the hooker that got her brains bashed in? No problem!)
posted by Goofyy at 8:35 AM on September 20, 2007

i'm totally going to the body farm when i die.
posted by CitizenD at 12:54 PM on September 20, 2007