Umm, would you re-position my beef pellets?

October 24, 2007 9:35 PM

The Great Pizza Orientation Test.
posted by 31d1 (62 comments total)

Always topping-side up.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 9:39 PM on October 24, 2007

I don't think I've laughed that hard in a year.
posted by esch at 9:40 PM on October 24, 2007

I don't know why, but the picture of the second pizza had me in hysterics.
posted by not_on_display at 9:40 PM on October 24, 2007

The "none pizza with left beef" is hilarious.
posted by pombe at 9:45 PM on October 24, 2007 [5 favorites]

That second pizza was awesome!
posted by arcticwoman at 9:46 PM on October 24, 2007

I love actual pizza made by human beings, but sometimes (like today) I have a craving for online ordering from Dominos. Thin crust, light cheese, heavy sauce -- it's very odd but pretty tasty, in a junk food way. This was funny, thanks.
posted by Bookhouse at 9:50 PM on October 24, 2007

I absolutely goddamn loathe Domino's pizza. It's horrid, horrid stuff I wouldn't feed to a starving rat. But this? This makes me want to buy stock in the company.
posted by middleclasstool at 9:52 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]

No option to have it cut into squares? No matter what type of pizza I get, no matter where from, I always insist on squares (I grew up in St Louis style country). Better for portion control and most importantly, sharing.
posted by sourwookie at 9:54 PM on October 24, 2007

Thin crust is candy for grown-ups, BTW.
posted by sourwookie at 9:55 PM on October 24, 2007

Real Pizza Orientation Test: Do you eat Domino's, Pizza Hut, Papa John's, or real pizza?
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 9:57 PM on October 24, 2007

This is what the web was built for.
posted by knave at 9:57 PM on October 24, 2007

I remember years ago, calling Domino's and asking for "hamburger" as a topping. So the operator says "Beef topping?" I reply, " Yeah, hamburger." The operator counters with "we have beef."

I wonder what FDA/USDA regulation make the distinction important.
posted by sourwookie at 9:58 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

Antics aside, the Left and Right column titles in the UI are reasonably clever -- brief and easily understood.
posted by event at 10:08 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]

How would you position cheeseburgers, fries, and McNuggets on a pizza to ensure consistent ingredient coverage? I'm serious ...
posted by chinese_fashion at 10:11 PM on October 24, 2007 [4 favorites]

The none with left beef picture just made me cry from laughing. Why is it so funny!?
posted by zsazsa at 10:14 PM on October 24, 2007

Y'all give this more love than the Metachat crowd. Cheers.

None Pizza with Left Beef. FTWLOLOMG.
posted by mullacc at 10:16 PM on October 24, 2007

chinese_fashion, that link is pure awesome.

It’s the food equivalent of a Real Doll — a revolting, plastic, desperate experience...
posted by lekvar at 10:18 PM on October 24, 2007

Metafilter: NONE Pizza with Left Beef
posted by blasdelf at 10:19 PM on October 24, 2007 [4 favorites]

sourwookie, not to mention the fact that with square cut pizza, you get more outside crust pizza. And we all know that those are the best pieces for breakfast the next morning. You want to mail a frozen Imo's pizza with bacon and sausage to me in Oregon? Pretty please?
posted by friendlyjuan at 10:28 PM on October 24, 2007

Thanks, lekvar ... I appreciate it!
posted by chinese_fashion at 10:30 PM on October 24, 2007

So good he doesn't have a blind vegetarian girlfriend.

srs lulz
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:31 PM on October 24, 2007

I am weeping with laughter. I also don't know why it's so funny, but it is.
posted by peep at 10:34 PM on October 24, 2007

I wonder what FDA/USDA regulation make the distinction important.

Glad you asked. The answer lies in the Code of Federal Regulations, Title 9, Chapter 3, Section 319.15, "Miscellaneous beef products." You can find the entire document here, but here's an extract of the relevant portion:

(a) Chopped beef, ground beef. "Chopped Beef" or "Ground Beef" shall consist of chopped fresh and/or frozen beef with or without seasoning and without the addition of beef fat as such, shall not contain more than 30 percent fat, and shall not contain added water, phosphates, binders, or extenders. When beef cheek meat (trimmed beef cheeks) is used in the preparation of chopped or ground beef, the amount of such cheek meat shall be limited to 25 percent; and if in excess of natural proportions, its presence shall be declared on the label, in the ingredient statement required by Sec. 317.2 of this subchapter, if any, and otherwise contiguous to the name of the product.

(b) Hamburger. "Hamburger" shall consist of chopped fresh and/or frozen beef with or without the addition of beef fat as such and/or seasoning, shall not contain more than 30 percent fat, and shall not contain added water, phosphates, binders, or extenders. Beef cheek meat (trimmed beef cheeks) may be used in the preparation of hamburger only in accordance with the conditions prescribed in paragraph (a) of this section.

The difference seems to be that hamburger can have added beef fat, while ground beef cannot. This doesn't seem to explain Domino's care in distinguishing. However, perhaps "beef", as an even more generic term than "ground beef", is not subject to any of these restrictions.
posted by ubiquity at 10:40 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

I live about 75 feet from an Imo's. Just plopped in at random in this residential zoned historic neighborhood in a remodeled house. Dunno how they got so priveledged but I ain't bitching.
posted by sourwookie at 10:49 PM on October 24, 2007

Man, I could go for Imo's right now. My occasioanl Dominos purchases stem from a need for St. Louis style pizza. (although, of the Missouri pizza I miss, Imo's comes in third behind Shakespeare's and McSalty's.)

It must be a sin to live in Brooklyn and pine for Springfield, Missouri pizza.
posted by Bookhouse at 10:54 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

The only option to save a Domino's pizza is "no crust" but that does not appear on the menu.
posted by caddis at 10:59 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

No option to have it cut into squares?

Only squares eat pizza cut into squares.
posted by caddis at 11:01 PM on October 24, 2007

And the little beef pellets didn't have any sauce or cheese to hang on to, so a few lost their footing from the left half.

For reasons unknown, I read that sentence and felt sad for the little beef pellets.

{sniff}
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 11:13 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]

The Left Beef pic is hilarious (and I, like others, don't really know why but I'm not going to question my mirth)... I wish I lived within delivery-distance of a Domino's so I could try this!
posted by amyms at 11:23 PM on October 24, 2007

I, too, am somewhat bemused and bewildered by the laughter the second pizza seems to evoke from me.

Hahahaha...hmm...
posted by darkstar at 11:41 PM on October 24, 2007

None pizza with left beef is curiously reminiscent of Errol Morris's series of NYT articles about the Crimean War cannonball photographs, here. Did these beef units start on the pizza and were then moved by the photographer to obtain a more pleasing and "representative" look?
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:10 AM on October 25, 2007 [11 favorites]

Did these beef units start on the pizza...

When you use a phrase like "beef unit" it makes me picture a guy standing outside of a Domino's in Brooklyn, grabbing his crotch and yelling "I got yer beef unit right here (pronounced HEEyah)!"
posted by amyms at 12:20 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

The automat-like miracle that is Internet Pizza is one of the things that always reminds me that I'm living in the future. Granted, the future started sometime in the late 1990s...
posted by hattifattener at 12:34 AM on October 25, 2007

"Beef Pellets" sounds like something a carnivorous goat would leave on your lawn after a squirrel glut.
posted by maryh at 2:20 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Domino's pizzas aren't really pizzas at all. They've got an arrangement with Wonderbread, who secretly agree to bake their remarkable product into circles on a monopoly basis for Domino. The staff keep both end pieces in each packet for themselves, partly because it's the only part of the pizza that's edible, partly because they don't want the rest of the industry -- and especially the public -- to know that you're eating a Wonderbread cheee sandwich.

It's a bit like the tandoori oven thing. Everyone in the world claims to have a real tandoori oven. Yet whenever you order Naan, it invariably comes out of a paki.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:56 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I didn't laugh. The last picture looks like the result of someone with laborious bowel motion who took at dump on pita bread.

And we're making pizza at home this evening. As a matter of fact, I'll start making the dough right now...
posted by NewBornHippy at 3:41 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't care what the federal regulations say, that "beef" looked more like what the cheetah over in this thread was dropping through the sun roof.
posted by tommasz at 6:04 AM on October 25, 2007

Square pizza is perfectly wonderful, provided you're talking Sicilian pie. Caddis: learn your pizza better.

In South Africa, pizza is delivered by guys in tuxedos. At least, the local chain does it that way. Clever gimic. It's about 65% good, for a fake pizza.

I ordered pizza online once, in Germany. We waited 2 hours then phoned. Online ordering is subject to problems. Would like it down here, since too many of the people answering phones speak poor English, and listen even worse.
posted by Goofyy at 6:22 AM on October 25, 2007

Peeking backstage at Domino's, I saw their illustrated topping distribution chart, showing how to decrease the amount applied as more toppings are requested. Half olives, half pepperoni would end up with twice as much added product as two all-over toppings.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:37 AM on October 25, 2007

It was a joke Goofy. People all over the mid-West eat square slices of something that vaguely resembles pizza.
posted by caddis at 6:42 AM on October 25, 2007

Lou: But Chief -- what if they like pizza?

Chief W: Way ahead of you, Lou. [attaches a large magnetic sign to his car door that reads DOMINO'S PIZZA]
posted by samsara at 6:45 AM on October 25, 2007

Is it worth pointing out that Domino's founder is rabidly anti-reproductive-rights, and that he's put quite a bit of money where his mouth is?
posted by box at 7:21 AM on October 25, 2007

Is it worth pointing out that Domino's founder is rabidly anti-reproductive-rights

He doesn't think people should be allowed to have children?
posted by Justinian at 7:35 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Also he's foaming at the mouth.
posted by box at 7:40 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Pizza Hut and Papa John's also have extensive online ordering systems, so it looks like you could also order the none pizza with left beef from them online. Oh, except from Pizza Hut it's "beef topping," not merely beef.

The Pizza Hut online form is a bit confusing for no cheese, though - under "cheese options," the only choices are regular or extra cheese, but then there's a "no cheese" choice under the "fruits & veggies" section.

(Followup after more review: the previous paragraph is only true at some locations - the online menu varies depending on what store you're having it delivered from! It works as I described above for my home address, but for my work address it's more user-friendly, with "Regular Cheese," "Extra Cheese," or "No Cheese" under the cheese options.)

Pizza Hut (for my home address) also uses a single form for both their regular and dessert pizzas, so "apple dessert," "blueberry dessert," and "cherry dessert" are topping options on the form, and apparently you can combine these with conventional toppings. Mmmm, blueberry and anchovies.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:53 AM on October 25, 2007

Does anyone remember the first online pizza delivery web site? Way back early web, 1994, maybe 1995. I think it was a web site for a single Pizza Hut franchise, but my memory is fuzzy. It was one of the first ecommerce websites I'd ever seen, and the notion you could use NCSA Mosaic to arrange for food to show up at your door blew a lot of minds.

(And congrats for 40 comments about Domino's before it turning into an abortion rights thread!)
posted by Nelson at 8:12 AM on October 25, 2007

"NONE pizza with LEFT beef" belongs in a Zippy cartoon repeated three times per panel. (I mean that as the highest possible compliment.)
posted by clavicle at 8:14 AM on October 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

Domino's Pizza itself is an abortion. Also an abomination. (Abominortion?)
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:17 AM on October 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

I love, love, love the idea that someone at Dominos, a large and ostensibly sophisticated corporation, vetted and approved the notion that a pizza has a meaningful left and right side.
posted by kosem at 9:27 AM on October 25, 2007

I suppose I understand the purpose, it just seems so ridiculous to label the halves in that particular way.
posted by kosem at 9:32 AM on October 25, 2007

I can see this as the subject in a study of the psychology of humor or something. Why am I, who rarely laughs out loud at jokes and who was so recently feeling grumpy and annoyed, crying with laughter at the side of that poor none-with-left-beef pizza? Is it because it looks so forlorn and abandoned? Or the sheer absurdity of the existence of a none-with-left-beef pizza?

Regardless of the answer, thanks!
posted by bepe at 9:40 AM on October 25, 2007

blasdelf: "Metafilter: NONE Pizza with Left Beef"

Come, now. Everyone knows that MeFi's beef involves the right.
posted by mystyk at 9:46 AM on October 25, 2007 [3 favorites]

I just love thinking about the employees at the local Domino's who pulled the "None pizza with left beef" order out of the internet and just made it, no questions asked.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:32 AM on October 25, 2007 [2 favorites]

None pizza with left beef is curiously reminiscent of Errol Morris's series of NYT articles about the Crimean War cannonball photographs, here. Did these beef units start on the pizza and were then moved by the photographer to obtain a more pleasing and "representative" look?

First, there were the two ON meatballs covered in cheese. These I named Betty and Leopold. Why were none of the other meatballs covered in cheese? Is it even possible to cover meatballs in cheese? Second, there were the two OFF meatballs, which I named Oswald and John. The position of Oswald and John seemed most likely to suggest human interference. Finally, there were the two meatballs that had fallen into the crack, which I named Omar and Kiki. Why didn't Oswald and John fall into the pizza crack the way Omar and Kiki did? This was the question that would come to obsess me.

Judging by the angle of the camera flash on the meatballs in the CRACK position, the photo was taken between 5:15 and 8:15 pm on a semi-overcast day when the ground precipitation reached levels of .035. Extrapolating from this, I was able to determine that the viscosity of the cheese would render the position of the OFF meatballs impossible without human interference. Yes, the OFF meatballs were placed in their position by the blogger.

But should we make a moral judgment about this? As Tolstoy said of the common human tragedy, "And then my poor meatball rolled right out the door." Humor is such a peculiar thing – inaugurated by the whims of few, affecting the fate of many.
posted by IcyJuly at 12:22 PM on October 25, 2007 [4 favorites]

StickyCarpet, the reduction in amount placed is so the pizza cooks all the way thru. Your pie maker, if he wants you to have an edible product, is going to maintain a maximum toppings amount, regardless of how many types you split it into. Anything over 3-4 toppings, and you're better off, pricewise, ordering the extravaganza minus stuff you don't like.
Sourwookie, at our dominoes, we just bought ground beef from the grocery store like anyone else. I doubt it's a company naming policy, so much as a "what's this wierdos problem with calling beef hamburger?"...I'd suspect since some pizza places have a cheeseburger pizza, with cheddar instead of mozer, he/she was trying to avoid confusing you on what kind of cheese would come with your beef?
friendlyjuan, you can mailorder Imo's crust, sauce, and cheese. Just add your own toppings, and it turns out really well.
posted by nomisxid at 2:51 PM on October 25, 2007

I laughed out loud, it made my day and I got to philosophize on the miserable life I live that a half beef pizza brightened my day considerably
posted by francesca too at 2:56 PM on October 25, 2007

Why didn't Oswald and John fall into the pizza crack the way Omar and Kiki did? This was the question that would come to obsess me.

Hee hee hee hee.....
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:19 PM on October 25, 2007

TheOnlyCoolTim: "Real Pizza Orientation Test: Do you eat Domino's, Pizza Hut, Papa John's, or real pizza?"

This reminds me of Gina's Pizza. The only place I can recall in my life where I've actually eaten REAL pizza. In recent years I haven't bought any pizza anywhere cuz I can't find a place here in Dallas that makes pizza the way I like it. Gina's Pizza served real pizza made by real people. That was some twenty years ago. Wonder of wonders, it's still there! Something in my heart just melted, realizing that it still exists. Someday I have to go back to that place. It's just that Burleson is a bit of a trek from where I currently am, but if they use the same recipes they used twenty years ago? I need to make time.

Maybe it's not what YOU would consider real pizza? I've never had better pizza before or since.

What I remember is they used a very faint bit of anchovies, and that alone was an improvement on the taste. Any other time any other place a pizza with anchovies makes me wanna wretch. Gina's Pizza knew how to make it work. They had a pizza with all kindsa ingredients on it and the combo worked beautifully. Like a symphony of flavor. We went there two or three times a month when I was a kid. I woulda eaten there every day if I could. It was quite a treat.

It'd be worth a road trip, trust me.
posted by ZachsMind at 8:36 PM on October 25, 2007

Real pizza in Texas? ;)
posted by caddis at 8:29 AM on October 26, 2007

The best pizza ever is almost always located a short distance from one's childhood home or off-campus apartment.
posted by box at 12:32 PM on October 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

I am not so sure about that. I grew up in the mid-West, and you couldn't and basically still can't, find good pizza there. Then I discovered New York pizza - mmmmmmm. Even here in Jersey with a pizza place every half mile, it can be hard to find a good one. When I go to Vintage Vinyl I always make sure to stop into the pizza place next door. The crust isn't perfect, but I am quite fussy on that, but it isn't too bad and the sauce is great. This is how pizza is done correctly.
posted by caddis at 12:49 PM on October 26, 2007

The best pizza ever is almost always located a short distance from one's childhood home or off-campus apartment.

If your childhood home is close to Lombardi's, Grimaldi's, Patsy's, Franny's, Una Pizza Napoletana, Totonno's, in Italy or Argentina, then I agree completely.
posted by kosem at 1:03 PM on October 26, 2007