If you don't stop, you'll go blind.

April 6, 2001 11:10 AM

If you don't stop, you'll go blind. Americans for Purity winning the war on masturbation. Not sure if this is disturbing, or just plain hilarious. Make sure you check the hate mail, and the responses, which make me think that this is one big joke (or at least I hope so).
posted by trox (33 comments total)

One of my fraternity brothers had a pamphlet produced by the Mormon Church on how to stop masturbating. A couple of the suggestions were:

Pray (of course)

Wear tight clothing to bed with no openings (i.e. flys)

If necessary, use restraints to tie your wrists to the bed

Associate the thought of masturbation with something disgusting - their suggestion was the idea of sitting in a tub full of worms - and eating some of them!

I'll take eternal damnation, thank you very much.
posted by starvingartist at 11:21 AM on April 6, 2001

Suggesting restraints? In Utah?
Somehow, it makes sense.
posted by mimi at 11:24 AM on April 6, 2001

If we ... require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.

HAHAHahah... snrk... Yeah, this site sounds serious to me.
posted by turaho at 11:28 AM on April 6, 2001

If stopping masturbation is compared to our war on drugs, then let's make both "sins" legal since we are losing the battle against drugs.
My daddy always encouraged me to masturbate. He daily called me a big jerkoff.
posted by Postroad at 11:31 AM on April 6, 2001

Steps in overcoming masturbation.

It's from the 70's, but somehow I doubt the Mormons (or any other fundamentalists) have let up on this.

Some hightlights for the link lazy.

If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will.

When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror

If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight
posted by alan at 11:33 AM on April 6, 2001

Glad to see that The Family Circus is an approved link.
posted by mrbula at 11:33 AM on April 6, 2001

Thank you, alan. I will have to show that link to my brother - he will be happy to know that particular piece of "literature" is alive and kicking.

On a further note about him and masturbating - he loves to tell the story about one year when he tried to give up masturbating for Lent. He succeeded for about 2 days. Then he decided to change it to "only masturbate once a day". He still couldn't succeed. Wow, I wish I had stamina like that :)
posted by starvingartist at 11:38 AM on April 6, 2001

I would guess he was still in his 20s.
posted by trox at 11:40 AM on April 6, 2001

yup - freshman at college
posted by starvingartist at 11:43 AM on April 6, 2001

A gem from the hate mail:


"i am jerking off right now and if u have a fucken problem with that go to hell! I hate that u say such shit like that. It is natural.
[e-mail]

We had heard that the new version of AOL was easier to use than ever, but we didn't believe it until now."

posted by trox at 11:43 AM on April 6, 2001

I love the "Crime vs. Masturbation" chart at the bottom of the page.
posted by quirked at 12:36 PM on April 6, 2001

They are serous, I have a friend who is a Jehovahs Witness and he belies the same BS word for word. Some people just really need help.
posted by me myself and i at 12:37 PM on April 6, 2001

i'm all for people to stop masturbating badly.

weekend coming up...everybody practice practice practice.
posted by th3ph17 at 12:43 PM on April 6, 2001

And don't miss th3ph17's upcoming er....one man show, at Carnegie Hall. (See, cuz that's how you get to Carnegie Hall. Practice...ah, the hell with it....)
posted by Optamystic at 12:47 PM on April 6, 2001

I did not fail to notice the link to Jack Chick's website as the answer to where they learned about the theology. For a little bit I thought it was serious... I still am very afraid it might be.
posted by elf_baby at 12:52 PM on April 6, 2001

Also, I did liked the truth about the myth of how "everybody's doing it." Up to 5% of people surveyed say they don't masturbate!

Somehow that statistic doesn't seem all that impressive.

Mostly because that 5% is lying.
posted by elf_baby at 12:54 PM on April 6, 2001

We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs!

war on drugs... successful...

Yeah, this has got to be a joke.
posted by dagnyscott at 12:55 PM on April 6, 2001

me myself and i:

Some people just really need help.

No. I think the idea is really that it's something you do by yourself.

Oh, and th3ph17, I checked out your home page. Nice glasses.
posted by anapestic at 12:57 PM on April 6, 2001

well, you know, i'm blind, from...you know...Practice. the glasses make the outfit.
posted by th3ph17 at 1:02 PM on April 6, 2001

This is a joke, folks. They're calling for "Police Masturbation Checkpoints"! They also refer to Joe McCarthy as "the greatest Senator we've ever had," and make reference to Catch-22--hardly required reading among arch-conservatives.
posted by jpoulos at 1:03 PM on April 6, 2001

I for one don't care if it is a joke or not actually. I just shared it because it was the funniest page I've seen in a long long time!

And what about outfitting your sons with boxing gloves before bed?
posted by trox at 1:05 PM on April 6, 2001

You would be amazed at what you can do with boxing gloves.
posted by th3ph17 at 1:07 PM on April 6, 2001

You would be amazed at what you can do with boxing gloves.

Yeah, after you beat your brother, you can beat your...
posted by anapestic at 1:14 PM on April 6, 2001

woman who has had a Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of Masturbation and other lascivious behavior, but the Godless bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. have had the audacity to OUTLAW this operation!

OK TERRIFIC.

I sure hope they volunteer to be first for this operation. I guess the men can have their sperm frozen and then have their organs cut off. That will prevent masturbation permanently.
posted by a3matrix at 1:53 PM on April 6, 2001

Hmm My above post should have had a reference to their condoning of hacking off a woman's clitoris. Sorry

Just got done perusing the hate mail. I laughed my ass off. If that guy is serious, I hope he steps in front of a big ass SUV
posted by a3matrix at 2:03 PM on April 6, 2001

Does that mean my Lasik surgury is all for naught?

I mean, I have done it about every other day since the surgury....

damn... $3000 down the drain.
posted by da5id at 2:08 PM on April 6, 2001

Listen everyone... It's quite simple. Here's the real truth in streaming format, MP3 format or written form...

God is probably quite irate most of the time these days...
posted by fooljay at 2:13 PM on April 6, 2001

The scariest part here has to be this:

"It would be very simple to require unmarried men to submit frequent urine samples, which could then be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms one way or another! Therefore he is guilty of either Masturbation or Fornication and should be imprisoned!"

I'd comment, but I think it speaks for itself.
posted by CrayDrygu at 3:38 PM on April 6, 2001

My favorite quote so far:

"... Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators."

Ermmmm... could that be because practically all PEOPLE masturbate???
posted by Dirjy at 4:34 PM on April 6, 2001

that's quite a contrast from this.
posted by modularette at 6:24 PM on April 6, 2001

I think I'd rather just replace all masturbation...with sex.

Heaven, here I come. Save me a brunette.
posted by Succa at 6:40 PM on April 6, 2001

You guys - it's a joke. Duh.
posted by ookamaka at 11:12 PM on April 6, 2001

Fundamentalists are certainly becoming harder to satirise, as this thread shows. The only link on their site that I was sure was taking the piss was the one to the Onion story about the perils of Harry Potter - and yet I know at least one Christian who won't let her children read HP books because of the 'witchcraft' thing.

Having said that, their demands do include:

4) An Amendment to create a National Police Force to investigate incidents of terrorism, Masturbation, Flag burning and hippie drum circles.
posted by ceiriog at 10:06 AM on April 8, 2001