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DANGER POINT!! YOU LEFT THE OVEN ON!
January 21, 2008 9:50 AM   Subscribe

TIME FOR SOME STORIES (warning: contains heavy amounts of all-caps and awesome)
posted by XQUZYPHYR (98 comments total) 425 users marked this as a favorite

 
The moral of the story here is: kids, don't do drugs.
posted by champthom at 9:54 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


STRIKE ONE, NANCY... STRIKE ONE
heh.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 10:02 AM on January 21, 2008 [6 favorites]


I'm seeing the all-caps, but I think the awesome was replaced by a bunch of Grampa Simpson stories...
posted by clevershark at 10:03 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


HOLDEN CAULFIELD FUCKING LIVES

Man, I hate Holden Caulfield.
posted by yhbc at 10:03 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Man, I hate Holden Caulfield.

I always figure Holden Caulfield would have hated Catcher in the Rye.
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 10:05 AM on January 21, 2008 [27 favorites]


This is nearly illegible for all the capital letters.
posted by bryanjbusch at 10:09 AM on January 21, 2008


No.
posted by everichon at 10:12 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


For 30 second short stories, not bad. Appealing in the context of a message thread, sort of post-modern taken as a whole.
posted by stbalbach at 10:15 AM on January 21, 2008


Ctrl-A -> Right-click -> LeetKey -> Text Transformers -> To Lowercase.
posted by Partial Law at 10:19 AM on January 21, 2008 [10 favorites]


I know they'd be easier to read without the ALL-CAPS, but I wonder if they would lose something.

I really like the accident prone camping trip attempts.
posted by JaredSeth at 10:21 AM on January 21, 2008


I've only read a few, and already I can tell 'dave' would either be my best friend, or I would be punching him in the head often. Possibly both.
posted by pupdog at 10:23 AM on January 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


I should dislike this guy's style, but I don't. I GODDAMN LIKE IT.
posted by Drexen at 10:26 AM on January 21, 2008


This is what the internet is good for.
posted by CaptMcalister at 10:30 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: THE ANSWER IS TAWNY
posted by wowbobwow at 10:31 AM on January 21, 2008 [10 favorites]


Just remember ALL CAPS when you spell the man name.
posted by cashman at 10:31 AM on January 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


SO SO SO AWESOME! I actually laughed out loud at the camping trip one and now I'm hooked and my potatoes are boiling over. Still, THIS!! THIS IS A FIRE!!, I guess.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 10:31 AM on January 21, 2008


I am sitting here with tears pouring down my face I am laughing so hard.

"ANYWAY THERE WAS THIS ONE GIRL NAMED CINDY WHO WE ALL HATED. SHE WAS ENORMOUS (WHICH OBVIOUSLY ISN'T A GOOD REASON TO HATE SOMEONE BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE 12) AND SHE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO TONE TO HER VOICE. SERIOUSLY. WHEN SHE SPOKE IT SOUNDED LIKE A TRASH COMPACTOR HAD JUST COME TO LIFE AND WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE. "


Thank you, XQUZYPHYR.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:31 AM on January 21, 2008


I reckoned "heavy amounts of awesome" was some kind of hyperbole.

I stand corrected.

And you can't lose the ALL CAPS, the ALL CAPS are your HEART.

WHAT COLOR IS THE COUGAR? GOLD? NO! BROWN? NO! RED? NO! THE ANSWER IS TAWNY.

I'm just gonna start quizzing people on the street randomly like this, I think.
posted by gompa at 10:32 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


DANGER POINT!
DANGER POINT!
posted by Dizzy at 10:32 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


It is my belief that the caps were intentional. The actual stories will not change if you use the Leet Key Add-on, but they do, indeed, lose a certain flavor. With caps, I feel like I'm reading stuff from an old BBS, when people were limited to all caps (in certain cases), but were still intelligent.

Favorited for the next time I want to have a beer and hear funny dumbass stories and there's nobody else around. Excellent find!
posted by not_on_display at 10:32 AM on January 21, 2008


SO THIS ONE TIME I WENT TO VISIT AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND IN SMALL-TOWN WISCONSIN. HE WAS A FILM STUDENT AT COLUMBIA AT THE TIME AND HE WANTED TO SHOW ME HIS LATEST FILM. FOR SOME REASON OR OTHER HE COULDN'T GET HIS PARENTS' VCR TO OPERATE SO WE WALKED A COUPLE OF BLOCKS TO HIS GRANDMA'S HOUSE. "HEY GRANDMA, WANT TO SEE MY LATEST FILM?" HE ASKS WHEN SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR. OF COURSE GRANDMA WANTS TO SEE THE FILM, SO WE HEAD TO THE LIVING ROOM. SHE OFFERS US COOKIES. THE FILM WAS SHOT ON 16MM BLACK AND WHITE AND WAS TITLED "LA FIN DE L'AFFAIRE" (THE END OF THE AFFAIR). AFTER THE TITLE SCREEN WE SEE THE DIRECTOR HIMSELF CALMLY SMOKING A CIGARETTE. AS THE CIGARETTE BURNS, THE CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL THAT HE HAS BEEN GETTING A BLOWJOB FROM HIS ASIAN EX-GIRLFRIEND THE ENTIRE TIME. THE FILM ENDS. GRANDMA LAUGHS HARDER THAN I DO.
posted by TrialByMedia at 10:33 AM on January 21, 2008 [38 favorites]


There was a period here during which I could not actually breath. My chest was heaving, yes, but ineffectually, with neither air coming in nor mirthful vocalizations egressing.

GREEN GROWERS
posted by cortex at 10:37 AM on January 21, 2008


This is amazing -- so if I understand correctly, this whole thing panned out during the early winter of 05? God bless the internets. You think this guy was making this stuff up on the fly (if, so genius) or perhaps he was simply copying text to the screen from a personal journal or something -- which is less impressive, but still inspired.
posted by FuturisticDragon at 10:37 AM on January 21, 2008


That's brilliant.

Why on earth isn't the guy telling these to people for money?

Favourite is the camping one.
posted by Brockles at 10:37 AM on January 21, 2008


Metafilter: SHE CLAIMS HER NAME IS 'ESMERELDA' BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE A JANE TO ME.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:38 AM on January 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


are these made up? they're hilarious one way or the other. for the record, the film viewing at grandma's house story is 100% real.
posted by TrialByMedia at 10:39 AM on January 21, 2008


YOUR HOO-HAS ARE FLOATIN AROUND THE POO

I'm totally using that in my meetings this afternoon.
posted by never used baby shoes at 10:40 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


I HAVE A HEADACHE NOW.
posted by Aversion Therapy at 10:45 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


This is totally helping me out at work today. Thank you.
posted by spec80 at 10:45 AM on January 21, 2008


He had me at "EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING."

Fantastic post.
posted by languagehat at 10:50 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


These are hilarious - thanks.

I don't think davesecretary got much work done that day.
posted by goo at 10:50 AM on January 21, 2008


These are brilliant.
posted by notmydesk at 10:56 AM on January 21, 2008


These are hilarious! And this is somewhat true:
"the caps make me feel like i'm running really fast with dave and he is yelling to me because you have to yell when you run and when you do it always sounds super important."
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 11:00 AM on January 21, 2008 [4 favorites]


These are so great. The ALL-CAPS was annoying at first, but it makes it easier to pick out the good posts.
posted by Dr-Baa at 11:06 AM on January 21, 2008


HE LOOKED UP IN A HURRY, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH, AND TURNED GODDAMNED WHITE WHEN HE SAW CINDY IN FRONT OF HIM, HER MONSTROUS MOUTH OPEN AS WIDE AS A HIPPO'S. I FELT AWFUL FOR HIM.

My wife thinks I'm insane, laughing like a lunatic up here. This is pure comedy gold.
posted by maxwelton at 11:07 AM on January 21, 2008


Fucking. Brilliant.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 11:12 AM on January 21, 2008


I think it's the all caps yet deadpan delivery of the totally hysterical that does it for me. Loved Kyle and the hockey puck. Forehead. hee.
posted by spinturtle at 11:21 AM on January 21, 2008


I wonder if his other uncle D is also named Dave.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:26 AM on January 21, 2008


"the caps make me feel like i'm running really fast with dave and he is yelling to me because you have to yell when you run and when you do it always sounds super important."

Yeah. I think Matt and Jess should do a podcast like that sometime. Or it could be a recurring segment: Jogging With Mefites, a three minute interview between a field correspondent and an interviewee, while they cover a half-k.
posted by cortex at 11:28 AM on January 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


I know they'd be easier to read without the ALL-CAPS, but I wonder if they would lose something.

YEAH, EVERYTHING THAT MADE IT AWESOME.
posted by mkultra at 11:28 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


The style reminds me of Lynda Barry and her Comeek. Am I right?
posted by king walnut at 11:37 AM on January 21, 2008


I have Alex, the new Leopard voice in OSX, read it for me. It's better, but he should be yelling it. Hopefully they'll fix it in version 10.5.2.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:37 AM on January 21, 2008


I WISH ANGELFIRE WOULD DIE A THOUSAND FUCKING DEATHS AND EVEN THEN IT WOULD BE A THOUSAND TOO FEW.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:39 AM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


King Walnut, I thought the same thing as you. Especially the cougar quiz.
posted by Edgewise at 11:40 AM on January 21, 2008


These stories are actually lowercase. It's just that the world was in ALL CAPS.
posted by teraflop at 11:42 AM on January 21, 2008 [9 favorites]


I'm just gonna start quizzing people on the street randomly like this, I think.

That's how I felt about Kathy Griffin imitating Paula Abdul:
I work my ass off Jeff! Where's Jeff?
I find myself walking around saying that to random strangers.

Nice find, XQUZYPHYR. I laughed a lot.
posted by Brak at 11:47 AM on January 21, 2008


I HOLD MY GROUND: "NO, I THINK THIS WOULD BE BEST"
thank you so so SO much XQUZYPHYR.
posted by generalist at 11:47 AM on January 21, 2008


I was so prepared to hate this.

We should get this guy a Metafilter account.
posted by roll truck roll at 11:52 AM on January 21, 2008


I didn't expect much from this either, but clicked on a whim. Seriously, this is one of the best posts I've seen in a long time. Thank you so much, XQUZYPHYR!
posted by bristolcat at 12:13 PM on January 21, 2008


I had to stop reading these about halfway down the page because I'M GIGGLING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL AT WORK AND PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME AS SUCH.
posted by shinynewnick at 12:14 PM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Almost like the immortal B1FF, but with grammar lessons...
posted by VicNebulous at 12:15 PM on January 21, 2008


I'VE WATCHED A VIDEO ON SAFETY.

Best post in the last month, thanks.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 12:24 PM on January 21, 2008


YOU STUPEED KEEDS!! YOU TAKE ALL MY BALLS! YOU PROFIT FROM MY SUCK!
posted by steef at 12:26 PM on January 21, 2008


I don't get it.
posted by jonmc at 12:29 PM on January 21, 2008


I just figured out how to make these like a billion times better. Imagine Gilbert Godfrey as the speaker.
posted by aftermarketradio at 12:30 PM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Holy crap read the pool story with Kyle. I am crying at work, and it is good.
posted by Big_B at 12:44 PM on January 21, 2008


I think I really grok the concept of pell-mell now. 'In my mind it will be forever rendered, PELL-MELL.
posted by deCadmus at 12:47 PM on January 21, 2008


A bit of Google stalking uncovered FUCK YOU, MY COMICS ARE GOLD
posted by Dr-Baa at 12:57 PM on January 21, 2008 [6 favorites]


Ah, here's a link to an updated davesecretary thread on vivalavinyl.org, some new stories down the page.
posted by shinynewnick at 12:58 PM on January 21, 2008 [13 favorites]


It's like potato chips. You can't have just one and you just keep going and going. The all caps make me think I'm hearing these stories from an eccentric person who is a little slow, but then you realize this person isn't slow at all, but is sophisticated and has a wide and hilarious vocabulary and then I realized the whole conceit was contrived and some of the magic went away which means all of the magic is going away and quickly pooling on the floor like spilled milk.
posted by Skygazer at 1:08 PM on January 21, 2008


Reading this, I feel a sort of kinship. It's like my Id crawled out of my body, took some creative writing classes, glued down it's caps lock key and started posting to some forum I've never even heard of.

Although, a couple of years ago when that actually happened, it wasn't nearly as funny as this, so never mind.
posted by quin at 1:12 PM on January 21, 2008


This has just killed my entire afternoon.
posted by internal at 1:17 PM on January 21, 2008


Indoor voice, please.
posted by spoobnooble at 1:18 PM on January 21, 2008


When all-caps are good, they're just so good. There's something very 'Crime and Punishment' about it, except instead of killing someone to prove you're a superhuman, you're just making people read much faster
posted by domakesaypat at 1:32 PM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


haha these are great
posted by jcruelty at 1:33 PM on January 21, 2008


ALRIGHT, SO I'M TRYING TRYING TO COME UP WITH A TRADEMARK WAY TO BEGIN MY COMMENTS ON METAFILTER AND I START READING ABOUT THIS FUCKING DAVESECRETARY GUY...
posted by klarck at 2:12 PM on January 21, 2008


javascript:void(document.body.style.textTransform='lowercase');
posted by kickingtheground at 2:40 PM on January 21, 2008


good enough to sign up for. Thanks.
posted by tawny at 3:11 PM on January 21, 2008 [4 favorites]


Shhh! Did you guys see that? I could have sworn I saw something tawny moving through the thread.

Be careful! There may be cougars about!

posted by quin at 3:49 PM on January 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


These are really charming. They remind me heavily of "A Christmas Story", which is also set in the Midwest. Suddenly experiencing a strong urge to move there and raise myself a charming family. After global warming and all that.
posted by Laugh_track at 4:09 PM on January 21, 2008


Shhh! Did you guys see that? I could have sworn I saw something tawny moving through the thread.

Well, after happily lurking for years, I finally came across the name I had to have.
posted by tawny at 4:15 PM on January 21, 2008


Pure genius. Especially the golf story:

YOU KEEDS.. YOU STUPEED KEEDS.. YOU.. YOU.." CONTINUES THE GOLFER. HE FIGURES OUT WHAT HE'S DRIVING AT: "YOU PROFIT FROM MY SUCK!".

BUT BEST OF ALL IS PEET'S REPONSE. HE'S JUST ENRAGED BEYOND MEASURE AT THIS POINT AND IS SHAKING BOTH FISTS IN THE AIR LIKE A SHAMAN. "I DON'T WANT YOUR SUCK!!!"

The whole you profit from my suck vs. i don't want your suck pretty much sums up most days on metatalk.
posted by localhuman at 4:29 PM on January 21, 2008


I laughed, and I laughed, and then I cried. I am not quite half way through the page. Thank you, XQUZYPHYR.
posted by KingoftheWhales at 4:44 PM on January 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


I wish he'd draw his comics in all caps, too. Prolly make 'em better.
posted by AwkwardPause at 6:02 PM on January 21, 2008


I totally bit myself on my swollen canker sore on the side of my cheek when re-reading the "NOW YOU'VE DONE IT" story and eating cereal at the same time. Laugher and pain, mix'd together! Try top this, internets.
posted by wowbobwow at 6:39 PM on January 21, 2008


If you like this, you'll love Bad News Hughes. Talk about a way to kill about 5 hours before you know it.....and be crying the whole time.
posted by tristeza at 6:53 PM on January 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


I think I am related to this guy. So I will tell a story in homage:

BTW. RIGHT NOW I AM IN PARIS, FRAAAAANCE. WHICH WOULD BE AWESOME BUT MY WIFE BROUGHT HER MOTHER WITH US. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. WHO NEVER TALKS. UNLESS IT IS ABOUT WHAT RELATIVE HAS CANCER. YOU HAVE TALK TO HER LIKE YOU'RE MIKE DOUGLAS AND INTERVIEW HER WITH CAREFULLY PHRASED QUESTIONS THAT CANNOT BE ANSWERED WITH YES OR NO. SHE HAS SUCKED ALL MY ENERGY OUT OF MY EYE SOCKETS. SO HERE WE ARE. STAYING IN A HISTORICAL APARTMENT NEAR THE JEWISH QUARTER ON THE RUE DES ROSIER. BORED OUT OF MY SKULL. RIGHT OUTSIDE THERE IS A PLAQUE ON THE WALL OF THE BUILDING MEMORIALIZING THE NAZI OCCUPATION AND GESTAPO ROUND UP OF THE JEWS IN THE AREA. THEY WERE DEPORTED TO DEATH CAMPS. TO WHICH MY MOTHER-IN-LAWS ONLY VOLUNTARY REMARK SO FAR THIS WHOLE TRIP HAS BEEN: "AW. THAT IS SAD"

THAT IS ALL.
posted by tkchrist at 7:39 PM on January 21, 2008


I'm adding this as a favorite, not only because it's awesome, but because I have some very important work to do, and this is going to stop my work cold in its tracks, because the amount of awesome is in excess of typical standards and practices.
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:27 PM on January 21, 2008


XQUZYPHYR, you forgot the batshitawesome tag.
posted by Mikey-San at 9:50 PM on January 21, 2008


I was prepared to not like this but IT IS AWESOME.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:55 PM on January 21, 2008


This has been the best thing I've read here for A LONG WHILE THANK YOU.

aside: The caps lock thing is clearly intentional (as he occasionally replies without caps when not telling a story as such) and I admire the bending of the forum format to his will. People on this thread who complain about it or worse try to circumvent it would probably look at a picasso and try to make it more realistic.
posted by monkeyx-uk at 12:36 AM on January 22, 2008


Garrison Keillor is a /b/tard.
posted by loquacious at 1:23 AM on January 22, 2008


As I read this I hear the voice of one of my relatives or old friends from school, with their middle Canadian accent, and it makes them seem so authentic. This is exactly what it was like to grow up in Canada in the 80s-90s.

"MY REEDS! MY FUCKING REEDS!"
posted by evilcolonel at 6:03 AM on January 22, 2008


I actually can't work out why I find this funny. But the caps seem to be the graphological equivalent of yakkety sax.
posted by RokkitNite at 6:37 AM on January 22, 2008


I should not be reading this in class.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:20 AM on January 22, 2008


So let's get something straight here. Yes, the caps and vivid language and dave's good memory all contribute to the hilarity, but it's KYLE that cranks up the awesomeness factor to about ten billion.

KYLE ROCKS!!!!!
posted by granted at 12:06 PM on January 22, 2008


Holy crap this is awesome.
posted by eyeballkid at 1:25 PM on January 22, 2008


"FINALLY THIS ONE OLD MAN ACROSS ME STARTS SHOOTING THESE BALEFUL LOOKS AT HIS COMPATRIOTS, AND THEN ADDRESSES ME DIRECTLY: "SON, YOUR HOO-HAS ARE FLOATIN' AROUND THE POO'"

I repeat. Awesome.
posted by eyeballkid at 1:37 PM on January 22, 2008


I laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and then I threw up.

...Favourited!
posted by eponymouse at 6:41 PM on January 22, 2008


Some quick Googling reveals that Dave Secretary used to be a member of the bands Van Johnson and Black Actors. His current project is called "hrswhip," and he released an instrumental album last year.

Also, he apparently just moved to Anhui, China.
posted by Ian A.T. at 3:46 AM on January 23, 2008


"THAT OLD LADY.. SHE PUT IODINE ON MY SACK. IODINE, DAVE."
posted by dabitch at 5:39 AM on January 23, 2008


Some people read faster than others.
posted by asok at 3:24 PM on January 23, 2008


WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN WE WERE ON A SCHOOL TRIP TO PRAGUE AND ME AND MY FRIENDS DAVE AND ROELAND DIDN'T WANT TO VISIT THE STUPID JEWISH CEMETERY SO WE WANDERED OFF FROM THE TOUR AND HUNG OUT IN THE CITY ON OUR OWN AND THEN WHEN WE GOT BACK WE HAD BOUGHT DAVE AN ICE CREAM AND TOLD HIM TO PRETEND TO CRY AND WE SAID SORRY DAVE GOT LOST AND WE FOUND HIM CRYING AND WE BOUGHT HIM AN ICE CREAM I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:20 PM on January 23, 2008 [2 favorites]


Reading this reminds me of my hometown where i grew up. Our Canadian neighorhood used to speak in that accent back in the 80s.

But, frankly, it's rather difficult to read all in CAP.
posted by goodtips at 8:09 AM on January 26, 2008


Some quick Googling reveals that Dave Secretary used to be a member of the bands Van Johnson and Black Actors.

Heh. I assumed he was a guy named Dave who was a secretary at work.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:58 PM on January 26, 2008


I'm late to this thread, but the all-caps rendition of amusing anecdotes seems straight out of John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany. That rates as the best book that I was ever forced to read for school (a good mix of literature and pop fiction), and these stories are right there with it.
posted by strike3 at 3:51 PM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I love baking... and I always got burn when cooking..\m/
posted by lifelock at 9:05 PM on January 27, 2008


Not sure how I missed this the first time around, but that link is crafted from the finest grade of awesome.
posted by dersins at 4:47 PM on February 7, 2008


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